Checking In with Michelle WilliamsChecking In with Michelle Williams

Checking In Replay: Pastor Mike Todd

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Published May 7, 2024, 10:01 AM

Checking In with Michelle Williams

On CHECKING IN, Michelle Williams and her friends let it all out as they reveal their intimate experiences with depression, anxiety and their mental h… 
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Previously Recorded 

 

In this throwback episode, Michelle and Pastor Mike are getting healed. Pastor Mike talks about the impact of being “violently vulnerable.” He also unpacks the meaning of his book, Damaged But Not Destroyed. CHECK IN to this episode if you need to be reminded that your trauma does NOT define you! 

 

For more on Pastor Mike Todd and access to purchase his new book, visit: https://www.iammiketodd.com/

 

Make sure you’re following Michelle on social media!

Instagram: @MichelleWilliams 

Twitter: @RealMichelleW

 

Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Hey, y'all, I think this conversation with Pastor mic Todd is going to be transformative for those that will listen with an open mind and an open heart. That you will listen with an open mind and an open heart. And if you're able to get to the end of my conversation, I'm gonna surprise him too. But I'm going to surprise you, and I want you to listen to the end of the conversation for some specific instructions that I am going to give. Pastor mic Todd is a number one New York Times bestselling author, pastor of Transformation Church in Tulsa, oakal lie A Homer, a phenomenal musician and producer, and it's good to hear him picking up music again. And we'll talk about that. We'll talk about how sometimes, you know, do you feel like you have to lay something down for a season because of something else that you're maybe called to do a purpose to do. So you gotta lay one thing down, do your assignment, and then come back up and pick up the other thing that you're also gifted at too. So I'm excited to hear his take on all of that. And so y'all stay locked in. Pastor Mike Todd is in the building, y'all listen. I am very excited to have on checking in Pastor Mike Todd. Now, if you read the book, he tells you his whole government name. Okay, on like the first page of Damage but Not Destroyed, y'all. I'm so excited because Damage but Not Destroyed is available now today. T U h d A y okay. So I'm gonna make him blush a little bit. But all I'm gonna do is speak facts.

Oh no, okay.

He is the number one New York Times bestselling author. All right, two million now, two million copies sold of his first book, Relationship Goals.

That's crazy, right, I'm so excited.

How do you feel.

About that number one? I'm talking to Michelle Willions.

It's good to be on the New York Times bestseller list. I thought I was gonna make it. I didn't make it. I want I could have been number twenty nine on the best but you number one.

But this is better than the New York's Time bestseller list. Because I'm on a podcast with Michelle Williams. Do you know how much of an intricate part you were of my upbringing? Okay, save my name and save my name. I just needed you to know.

That's one of the chapters of the book.

Okay, keep going, Okay, we don't give it away yet, don't give it away yet. We talked about that in a minute. But I am so excited to be here with you. I feel like you're my sister. We got to meet for just a little moment in Atlanta, and it was like, where have you been all my life? And it's just really one of those cool, cool moments to connect with people who actually care about doing the inner work as well as all the things that are happening in public. So yeah, I wrote a book about relationship goes about me and my wife, who I've been dating since I was fourteen years old. Is when I met her, and literally all the ups and downs, trials, tribulations, crazy moments and our story of redemption and just some things that people could be helped in relationship because people kind of fail at that a lot in this day and age. And I put it out in the middle of a pandemic. I'd never written a book before I barely passed math, math, and English high school. So it was like, I mean, let me just share something that I think is valuable, and I mean it went crazy and people bought it all over the world. And to think that's the first time I've heard the two million number. That's ridiculous. Like the fact that that book has gone on. I just pray that it's a blessing to people for a long long time.

And help people win. In Mayorage dating and checks that's it.

And he smiled really big too when he got to say that because he got somebody, he gets to go home to.

His wife, Glory to the living God.

Listen, listen, listen, Lord, help me too. Oh don't and I have. It wasn't nothing. It wasn't y'all listening. It wasn't none of your business. But yes, okay.

Another fact is.

That you are the lead pastor of Transformation Church in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

I am, okay, I am, and I love it.

And there's so many ways I can go relationship, go the faith testimony of how you guys acquired the building and just your whole journey. It would take hours to talk about it. But I also want to tell people. Y'all, he is a phenomenal musician, producer. I say, a.

Musician, Michelle, you're doing too much, too much. I know we're here to.

Talk about damage but not destroyed, from trauma to triumph. I get it, and we're gonna get there. But y'all, he's more than pastoring.

Is that's the thing.

And we'll talk about a choice that you might have had to make. Okay, let's just let's do that.

The choice just going. Let's go and do it.

The choice that you possibly had to make to lay down music to go into ministry. Now, music can be ministry, but I'm just saying in the form of ministry that you now you had to lay down the desire to be the artist and producer musician.

So part of part of my journey is I tell people all the time, you are not what you do only and a lot of people so many times they wrap their entire identity off of whatever became successful. And one of the things that I a six minutes in, oh, I thought we was I thought we came to do it like I thought this was that podcast, so we could go all the way in.

Okay.

So, and so the truth of the matter is a lot of people, whatever successful, they think that's where they should rest all of their identity and purpose. But the one thing I learned very early on is that God never gives people just one seed. He gives so many seeds on the inside. It depends on what you water. And on the inside of me, there were so many seeds music and speaking and creative and all these things, and I decided that at a young age, I was going to water all of them. And so when the fruits started coming from all of them, I had to make a decision to begin to ask God what was my assignment, not my opportunity. And a lot of people right now are caught because they have so many opportunities and they don't know what an assignment is. And that's where I'm here to really tell this generation that you only can get an assignment from God.

But if you good, you can have tons of opportunities.

And so my my journey took me to a place where the greatest thing that I do is never what can I do?

It's what does God want me to do?

And that's where I think a lot of people are off right now. Somebody could offer me a lot of money to do something I'm good at but I knew it wouldn't be my assignment, and so that thing wouldn't be blessed for me. And so I just know that for me, that's what happened. In the music and ministry. I would have been successful as a music producer. I probably would have produced your third album. I probably would have done all of those different things. And now there's still an opportunity I would I would have been I would have been there. But at the same token, God's timing is perfect. When you obey him, he brings everything back around. He wastes nothing. There is nothing that he's going to put on the inside of you that he's going to leave on the.

Inside of you. Is just about timing.

And so now is the season where I'm getting to walk into a whole bunch of music opportunities.

People that I love, like.

Michelle Williams, I'm sitting on the phone with So if I had a track, I could text it to you right now.

Did you understand what I'm saying?

Like, following his purpose leads me into the thing that I love, and that's a passion.

Wow. I don't have no title or anything in church, but I'm hearing Seki first, the kingdom, Oh yeah, I've got.

In Matthew six thirty three.

Yes, And then everything else gets at it, and a lot of people are seeking the things. They're going after the things instead of him, and they go after the things what I say, instead of the king. And the King actually knows the playbook, he knows the lay of the land, he knows what he wants for you to do. And I've just found in my short little life of a lot of impact comes from places I didn't think it was gonna come from because I did it in the timing that God wanted it to happen, not in the timing that I wanted it to happen. And the more you like lean into that and get into that lane, you don't have to worry nothing I'm doing right now. I have to hold up. I just got to show up like I'm not trying to hold things together. I'm not trying to finesse and do all of these things that a lot of people have to do. And that's what causes stress, that's what causes burnout, and that's what causes trauma. And so a lot of people have to really real themselves back in to figure out what's my assignment, not just what's my opportunity?

Well, am I allowed to say your word success fueled by the wrong source is.

Just stress that that's it.

Is taken from damage but not destroyed.

Yeah, you know that's the truth.

And I'm so excited about that. I want to pivot back to something you said about assignments versus opportunities. Do you feel that's why so many people maybe are not fulfilled or they don't ever complete anything.

Yeah, that's exactly the reason is because if you're not attached to something bigger than you, something that's outside of you, something that is for somebody else that benefits you, but it honestly helps the world. We were built with that on the inside of us, Like we were built to be generous.

We were built to give what God's given us away.

And so many times, like people chase after bags and they lose the blessing, Like the bag is not the blessing. The blessing is I'm doing what i was called to do. I'm helping somebody, I'm walking in purpose. And so if I could give any message to my peers in this generation is like you've tried it, You've tried to go after the bag.

You've gone on.

Vacations, you catching flights, you burkinged up, you got Louie and Dewey and gooy. You've done everything, and at the end of the day, sitting in that penthouse apartner, you still feel empty, Like there's no way that that was the thing that was supposed to fill you.

It has to be something else. And that's why I'm telling people right.

Now, a lot of those things that we're talking about, they're coping mechanisms for trauma we've experienced. If we want to be honest about it, like a lot of us going after the opportunities and the thing is because I don't really want to deal what's going on inside of me.

So let me go and be successful.

Come on, let me go out here and let me try to prove that I'm worth something, that I still have value that when I post on Instagram with old.

Boy or old girl like that validates me.

And I'm telling you all that stuff is a quick way to just burn out and not actually have any real fulfillment in life. And so I'm just encouraging people like, evaluate what you do for real and then see if there's anything attached to it. That is traumatizing to you, and it's the reason you do it, because if we don't deal with the root of it, we'll never be able to get better.

Fruit.

Listen, I would have say this. There's something I was gonna say to Okay, let's be transparent.

Humble, open and transparent. Let's go. Yeah.

I was gonna go into that too. I used to buy, especially cars, every time I would break.

App Yes, everybody not, but everybody, I just need to let you know this can This may not be your testimony, but we are talking to Michelle Williams.

Go ahead, listen, and my mama, my mama, start your amen. My mama noticed a pattern. And one day I bought a car and she said, who'd you break up with? And so I had to trauma wise, what was in me that was trying to replace something that's gone on, something that's left. Now, when you get on assignment and you get in purpose the things that you thought you even wanted, you don't even want him no more.

You don't even want it no more.

You don't want him her or the car. You don't.

You don't.

So, by the way, and I didn't read the room. I did not say that to to flex, I pray on my heart.

No, that's her real life. Everybody that that was her real life. Okay that that that may not be your real life, but that's her.

Well some of y'all.

You you might be standing in the Michael Kors line, the Louis Maton line to get their purse to get.

Or or Michelle they may they may be in front of the refrigerator. Because the truth of the matter is, many times, a lot of the things that we put in our mouth are because of what we don't have.

In our lives.

Yes, sir, a lot of times it's it's we're eating I'm gonna get some cake because I'm gonna feel good today, Like I'm gonna I'm gonna go have me a double dip of whatever this ice cream is and I feel better because they say it's vegan.

But that don't take the sugar out of it.

The under sad what I'm saying, And the truth of the matter is a lot of times we need to evaluate what we put in because what we don't feel like we have within that is a real value metric that everybody needs to evaluate. More clothes, more friends, more opportunities, more success. Do you actually need more or are you trying to feel a god hole is what I call it, with things that will never be able to fit in that space in your life.

And y'all listen, don't be like me, because I was always upside down in every trade because the Lord didn't want me. It never worked out for me, you know, always trying to replace stuff. So don't do that, y'all. To finish out the loan, finish out the least of the thing, and it's so you won't be upside down. And really the lesson is we dig ourselves into financial holes, we dig ourselves into emotional pits and stuff like that. So fine purpose get healed, so that way we're not trying to replace stuff. You said some things that were also snippets to y'all. I gotta keep talking about the book I personally passed through my TID. I asked for an advanced copy of the book because they got it to me, and because I despise when I write a book or put out music, the person that's interviewing me, they don't read or listen to it, and then they got to ask me dumb questions. I appreciate that, so I want the interview, to go beyond what surface. What we can google, you can't get a book get So there are some things. I won't give the book away, but it really you can give it away.

You can give it away. I want them to be here.

Listen. It touched me so much, damaged but not destroyed, from trauma to triumph. You talk about so much, you're so honest. I just transparent, and you get so vulnerable. You get so vulnerable, y'all the endorsements preached.

I got some good friends, I got some good endorsements preach.

Okay, so y'all get the book so you can know what I'm talking about, and you'll be like, okay, I gotta get a chapter one. But let me let me tell you what I said. I said, you are very honest, transparent, and you get very vulnerable in this book, to the point where I read the book with one hand over one eye A little bit. Yeah, because when someone gets there's a difference between vulnerable and being transparent. Being transparent is yeah. I used to buy cars when I would break up with people. But being vulnerable, being vulnerable. You tell how you felt about the thing. I felt like crap, I felt horrible. I felt used, I felt less than and you say all so many things about yourself, yourself aware, you don't blame shift and blame anybody else. And it also rattled a thing or two in me that let me know, Sis, oh you need to process this hit. You took a little more.

This is actually I'm getting goosebumps because this is the reaction that I wanted, because I said, if somebody's gonna get healed, you know, when you're going through something and you're like, well, who's gonna go to the dance floor first? Like it's a party, but everybody's standing on the side and the music is going, and everybody looking who's.

Gonna go to the buffet line? Because you don't want to look greedy?

Yeah, who's gonna do it first? Yeah?

And everybody hungry and everybody is hurting, But who's gonna go first? And And for me, even with the position that I hold this pastor many times pastors we put it on people we know y'all are struggling with and we know y'all a da da da. And I was like, I want to take a whole different approach. I'm gonna put myself on blast. I'm gonna I'm gonna say everything that the Lord has been doing in me from the time of two years old all the way up to almost forty. I want to use this as a playbook. This is the book that people write when they're seventy. And I said, the problem is it's too far removed from when I need to do the work. And so I want to remember this fresh and I want I want to hopefully inspire somebody to do the work, because the life on the other side of doing the work of walking out this healing journey, It's like my life went from black and white to color. And I tell people in the book, I said, there's nothing like a hit you don't see coming. And many of us don't recognize that A lot of the things when we're one hit away from totally breaking because we haven't dealt with none of our issh excuse me for my language, but I'm just telling you that some of you are one disappointment away, one frustration away, one job loss away, one breakup away from your whole world crumbling. Not because it has to, it's me because you've been holding so much stuff together that you have not really dealt with. You've pushed it down you've buried it. You visit your family every Thanksgiving and every Christmas with problems, but you never say anything. And when you get in the car, you just cuss and scream and get frustrated. There's so much on the inside of us, but we're not letting that thing out in a way that would be healthy. And I'm just telling people, like, listen, this is the season where you allow everything that's happened to you no longer to find you.

But you cannot ignore it. You gotta face it.

You gotta walk up to it and say you are no longer the thing that will be able to put me in my ship.

I'm gonna deal with you.

I'm gonna handle you, and with God's help and God's grace and counseling and community and being honest, those things can actually turn your pain into your platform. I'm here talking about all the crap that I went through and it's going to help people and it's gonna see me and.

My wife on vacation.

So I'm just saying, like, the pain can become your platform, and God can use all of your trauma and turn it into your trump.

Come on, listen, listen, y'all, y'all should see my posture. I'm making that ugly face you make in church when the pastor is just dropping gems. And that that's another thing I want to say when you. When I was reading reading your new book, first of all, I want to say, I was reading it in your voice, because you have to.

You got you gotta.

Read it in his voice, in his manner asm. And then there's a portion in the book where I was like, oh, he preaching, and I read it. I was like, oh, I'm gonna take this, and I'm a hoop with a little bit.

So I'm there you ready to go ahead and do it?

So listen because then your the book you say that no matter what happened to you, no matter who hurt you, no matter how you feel, I want you to know if this value is still in you, touch it ever say say it's sin, you a sin, it's.

Genuine, send you, it's sending you, it's send you to It is in.

You, and so thank you. I thought I went to enough therapy and I volunteer at a healing retreat. But again, damage but not destroyed definitely, says sus. You need to unpack this, you need to process this. Now, remember I said, we got to read the book in your voice. Will there be an audiobook?

There is already an audio book. It is done, it is finished. I gave you my whole thing. When I write a book or when I do something. I was never a big book reader when I was younger. I like to watch things. I like to see them. I like to visualize it. And as I got older and got into the professional pastoring and had to open businesses and do anything, reading is fundamental. You got to be able to read. So I started reading a lot more. But one of the things that I realized is that you can read in a way that it seems live like, it seems real.

You can put the picture in people's mind.

And so for anybody who's not a big reader, I'm telling you, when you read this book, like Michelle said, you'll see it. You'll hear me, You'll see it. It's vivid. I pull on cultural things to be able to bring your mind to where I'm at, and I think it's all important so that we can actually get the message. And I really do believe the message of my life is no matter how much you've been damaged, they're still value in you. I literally had somebody Michelle, give me a gift that was a regift. It was an expensive gift, but the box was jacked up and the wrapping paper was messed up. And the truth of the matter is is that no matter that the wrapping paper was ripped and the box was tattered, the value of that gift was in the content that was inside of it.

And so many people.

In this life, they've had their relationships ripped up, they've had their character scarred and marred.

But the truth of the matter is who God's really created you to be.

That essence of who you are is still good and is still valuable, And the price of the thing did not change because the box or the rapping was jacked up. You take those things out that God has placed on the inside of you, and you got to realize that the value is still in you. And that's my encouragement to people who've lost, who've gone through divorce, who've had bad relationships, who have not been able to see the success that they wanted to see. Yeah, you got some scratches, and you've got some ribs, and you've got some tatters, but I promise you who you really are the most valuable part of you is still waiting for the world to see it. And if you would allow yourself to heal from some of the things that have happened, I promise you you're gonna be able to help so many people.

Listen, everything that you need is on the other side of your healing. And we talked about loss. I wanted to ask you definitely how what you're saying can also apply to grief, but you kind of touched it a little bit.

I'm touching it because I feel the audience that is listening to this, and I know that many people have lost things. I mean, we're coming we're three years removed from COVID, where that literally shifted the life of so many people, whether it was you lost an actual loved one, you lost business, you lost money, and that was a time for some people that they gained a lot, but they lost priority and they lost focus. So you got a bunch of money, but your children got lost in the mix of all of that stuff. A loss comes at a lot of different ways. The thing that you have to understand is the fact that you're still existing does not mean that you're actually thriving. And a lot of people I'm finding are existing, they're going through the they're doing what's necessary, but they're not actually living the life that I believe God intended for them to live. And that's why I think trauma makes you numb like that's what it does. It makes you not feel the things that you actually feel. And just think about a car accident. A lot of times when if you ever get in a car accident, and I pray nobody does, but if you've ever been in one, you can sometimes jump out of the car on adrenaline. You don't feel what's going on. Oh no, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine, I'm fine. Everything is moving, but it's not until you sit still. It's not until you get into a relaxed position. It's not until the heightened moment passes that you actually start to feel what happened. And may I submit to us that many of us are so busy that we never let ourselves get into the point where we can feel it. We stay so inebriated with being outside and going from event to event and being in relationship to relationship. You're in your third relationship in two years, and you never hear from the one before it, and so you're moving trash to another area that would have and could have been good. But you're taking the toxic into the next And God is saying to many people that are listening right now, could we just get rid of some of the weight, some of the damage. I'm not saying that it all got to change today, but let's go on a journey of dealing with this thing. And because of loss, many times people think that loss is the end. Loss is never the end. Loss gives you the opportunity to find a new beginning, Yes, sir, And a lot of times the greatest things in my life that I lost were literally the stages for the greatest revelations, changes and renewals in my life. But if you get stuck in the loss, that's when you lose.

Yes.

But I'm encouraging.

Somebody that's listening to this right now, don't get stuck in the loss. Don't get stuck in who left. This is the season where God's saying I got more for you, and there's value still in what's ahead of you. And that's why your damage can no longer define you. But this damage can be the thing to push you to destiny. And I don't know, Michelle, somebody's pulling on me right now. But you are about to give up, You are about to stop, you are about to throw in the towel. And this podcast came on to let you know that there is more in you. That you are not at the end of your rope. You're actually at the beginning of your new life.

This is a new.

Season, this is a new day, and you may be damaged, but you are not destroyed destroy I feel.

It Pastor byke Todd, one of the best communicators, motivators encouraging men of God that this planet currently has right now, the courage to be honest, open and transparent. Everybody can't be that, and we need more of that in church.

We got to have it in church. If we don't got it nowhere else, we got to have it in church. And that's why a lot of people are jacked up.

But are we really ready? Because when someone is honest, open and transparent in church.

It's wrong.

It's like, well, what do you want? Do you want him to fake it?

Yeah?

So the truth of the matter is when somebody is honest, transparent, and I want to even go a little a little further and say like violently vulnerable, Like I feel like I'm violently vulnerable, Like I try to say it to the point where it moves something in you, like I want you to understand that this is what really happened. And when you are like that, what it does and why people fight against it is because it actually triggers something on the inside of them. It becomes a mirror and they're like, hold on, if they talking about that, that means I need to talk about that. Uh, let's talk about them instead of talk about me. And so that's where comments go. That's where people did you hear about such and such? All it is is deflection. All they're trying to do is make that came too close to an issue I might really have that tame too close to what me and my family may have been dealing with. And so a lot of times the natural response the Bible says it like this, if you're going to point out the spec in your brother's eye, why don't you start by taking the log out of your own eye. And it's very hard because I don't want to deal with this log, but I do want to talk about the dust that's over there, and that if it keeps it off of you.

Listen, first of all, thank you for the encouragement that you gave every listener. Heck, me and the producers that are sitting on here, thank you for what you just imparted into us. I want to ask you this question, and I want to hold you. Of course, we've got to ask you relationship questions, but.

Mom, I'm here for you. Well, I'm here whatever you need.

It's something that you were saying about how we don't like to deal with our own stuff, but yet we will. We'll talk about what everybody else is going through and to make us feel better. I wanted to ask you about anger and judgment. Yeah, when you are angry, why does it seem so easy to go into judgment of others their situation and that judgment turns right back around and it hits your house.

Yeah.

The truth of the matter is anger is a secondary emotion and it's an easy one. And when I say a secondary emotion, it's like, usually anger is the thing that I feel after I feel something real, like I feel neglected, and so I get angry or I feel I feel devalued, so I get angry. And a lot of people have tapped into anger because an anger. Studies show that anger is an easy emotion to tap into when you don't understand, even as a child. So you might not understand why your mom left, but it made you angry. You might not have understood why y'all don't have food, but made you angry. You might not understood why they're picking on you for wearing that name brand, but it made you angry. And so anger becomes an ally for many people from a young age. And so when anger is your ally, what happens is you talk to the people you know the most because you with them the most. And so if anger is the thing that you've been with since you were five years old the most, even when you don't even want to go to that emotion, it's the quickest one that comes up. And so a lot of people have to actually tell anger that they are no longer best friends. We're going to have to search for a different emotion to be able to express what's going on, because when you get into anger, a lot of things happen in anger that you don't even really mean. Come on, everybody, listen. When you get angry, you say some stupid stuff, you do, some stupid stuff you done, broke stuff that's your own, stuff like that.

Why we create more damage. And this is my aunt I'm gonna have to be.

You don't punch the hole in your own wall, Like, what in the what kind of sense do that make?

But the truth of the matter, I'd.

Rather punch and then punch and punch my girl. Man, you over ready to push the hole in the wall, bro.

But the truth of the matter is that especially for men that that has been an ally from adolescents, and if anger has been your ally from adolescence, it's going to turn into something that nobody needs to be walking in rage because when you get into rage, you don't understand why you do what you're doing. You're just doing things and that's where it switches. And so a lot of times when you get anger as an ally from adolescence, it means that if I'm not gonna physically act this out, I have to judge everybody that's around me.

I have to.

I have to show them and tell them, and even if I don't say it out loud, I have to have secret things of what I feel about them because it makes me feel better about myself. And this is why I'm saying, especially to men out there, man, yo, we are destroying families because we are not actually dealing with our issues. It hurts us and we have been told that we cannot express those emotions and we've only been given applause when we do it one way. And I'm telling you anger is not the way to do this. We need counseling, we need therapy, we need community, we need to talk to each other, we need to ask ourselves real questions because we're out here putting families together that many times we're not in because of our issues. And at the same time, we're the only ones that can fully heal what's been going on in this world. And this is what I say to people. What's not transformed in you is transferred. So everything you won't deal with. The Bible talks about it visiting the generations, and we've seen it. Some of us are angry, but it's because our big mama was angry and our uncle was angry, and that stuff just passes down.

And so I'm just encouraging everybody.

If you cannot find within yourself to do your work for you, at least do it for them children that you love. At least do it for that next generation who's watching you. Because the pattern is being repeated if we do not deal with our data.

One you actually said transformed instead of what's not transform is transferred. That was actually something that I was supposed to get to, and you hit the nail on the head. That's why I know this conversation is spirit led. I'm so sociaid no, this.

Is real, so so excited.

What are your thoughts on what's not transformed can be transferred? I'm assuming your meaning. So what's not transformed in me? If I go and have children, can I transfer to them based on how I respond to when life?

Yes, So this is I have four kids, and the one thing I can't do with my four kids is hide.

I can't hide. They're with me all the time.

They might be as cool, but they see when I'm angry, they see when I'm happy.

They see I'll respond in.

Hard times, and they see how I respond in happy times. The truth of the matter is, if you want to know who you really are, ask your kids. I mean, the truth of the matter is you know your mama better than your mama. Probably know your mama like because like they think, they are responding yourself. I was good to you, I was like mama, you was mean every time you came home after word you was mean, and they don't want to hear that. And then they start saying stuff like you're not going to disrespect me, and they start doing all of these things that are generational patterns that once I said, so all that stuff is dumb. It's all things that you do when you have a little language of emotion, when you do not have a large vocabulary emotionally, you say stuff to make people shut down. And a lot of times, you think, especially in black households, a lot of the language we were told was shut down language, shut up before I give you something to cry about, you ain't really ain't never. I had no problem like literally minimizing whatever is real to you at that moment, which teaches you to not deal with real issues like and so the truth of the matter is in my living, I am teaching my children how to live, whether I say it directly or indirectly.

And so if.

Every time I'm faced with the hard situation between me and their mama, I leave the house, they're learning when something.

Gets hard, relationally dip like. That's what they're learning.

And don't matter if I tell them no, you stay and you work it out you dah da da da.

They're going to do what they see.

So what is what's not transformed in me will be transferred into them. I cannot be surprised when my daughter's in her relationship and she show up in my house, Daddy, I.

Left, hold on you married? Why did you leave? I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't Da da da.

And the truth of the matter was she really just that I saw you do that with Mammy, and people don't have that real conversation. And so that's the That's the thing that I really want people to understand. Like you affect everybody around you when you act like it doesn't affect you. I'm gonna say it one more time. You affect everyone around you when you act like it doesn't affect you.

Yes, yes, me.

And you actually deal with whatever affects you. It has a ripple effect. And I talk about that in the book, like good things can happen and ripple out to be able to help so many people if you actually deal with what hurts you or what what hindered you, or what made you like like want to stop. Like when you do that, you gonna you ain't even met yourself. You don't even know you yet, Like I'm telling you, it'll change your whole life.

You know, when you.

Can have the heart conversations with yourself and have the hard conversations with each other.

Yikes.

In your book you mentioned I don't want to give everything away, but there was something going on in your family with one of your precious children. And you know your wife, missus Natalie, She's telling you one thing and you're like, no, I'm good. But it's like you had to go.

Let's go, let's go and say it. Let's go and say.

I was I was just saying how you had to go get some self awareness to be like, my bad, I was wrong.

Yeah, like I was arrogant. This is the true yes, and then be When you can do.

That, you can go to that person and have a hard conversation.

And that's the thing. Humility starts all of this.

And most people will never reach purpose, not because of their performance.

It'll be because of their pride.

Like like most people won't reach their God given purpose, not because they couldn't produce whatever it is, it's because of pride. They will not allow anybody else to speak into their life. You see me now, and I don't see myself. And if I had something on my face right now and you saw it, but I'm denying that it's there. That level of delusion keeps me from destiny. And that's what a lot of people do in their own lives. They don't allow anybody to speak because you younger than me, you older than me, you ain't got as much money as me, and all this other stuff. And one thing that I found out is that if I'm going to be healed, I have to be humble. Like it's like healing takes humility, and that is where I think a lot of us have to like stop the cart and really recognize, like not this fake humble thing that people talk about, Like I'm talking about, Can somebody lovingly tell you that you're mean and you actually evaluated? Can somebody tell you that lovingly. I'm not talking about going off on you or anything like, but lovingly say like you run away every time it gets hard and you like what you mean, or run away like matter of fact, I gotta go. I got a trip to Atlanta. It's like see right there, I got you're running away right now.

You're giving us a lesson.

I want this conversation this is good, I'm not the way.

And the tone that you're saying, Hey, you're mean.

Yeah, you're hey, And tone is everything. Tone is everything. If you don't want somebody to hear you go off, like defenses come up immediately, like the way that you approach it, it allows them to have an excuse to not deal with the real issue, because you become the issue. Now, I need everybody to understand that. A lot of times we want to help somebody, the best thing you can do is not become an issue trying to help them with their issue. And tone is a big part of that. And that's why, again, it's hard to help somebody when you haven't helped yourself because the only reason I can have that tone is because I've had to have empathy because I've gone through it, and I know somebody has had to say to me, hey, you're not listening. No, no, no, no, I hear what you're saying. I understand it, but you're not listening. Like and it's like, what you mean, I'm not listening. I'm like, here, I hear you. No, you're hearing me, but you're not listening to what I'm saying. And so now, oh oh, oh, he did something.

Go on listening.

Those are two totally different things.

Right now, even as I'm here, there's some people outside working on different things. I hear them, but I'm not listening to them. I'm listening to you. Like I hear a lot of noise, but I'm listening. My listening is where I'm focused. And a lot of times when we're in specially heated discussions or discussions that have to do with the soul and our real emotions, we're not listening anymore. We're just hearing. And until you start listening, you'll never actually be led to a place of healing. And so for me, the reason why I come at stuff a certain way is because I know what it is to have to deal with issues and have my wife or my friend or people I pay. Let me just say this, it doesn't matter where it comes from. If it's good for you, it needs to be received. And that's why I said this whole healing journey starts with humility. This is the only reason I was able to write damage but not destroyed. It's because I had to humble myself. And the Bible says it like this. It says you're either going to humble yourself or you will be humbled. It's gonna happen either one way or another. And before I was humbled, and before I had to to take losses that were unnecessary, I said, let me do this work, let me start talking to somebody, let me journal a little bit. Let me and for me, like journaling is not a thing, and for a lot of guys it's like I don't sit down in journal. So what I did, I voiced journal. I would just start my phone on the notes app and I would say today, I feel like crap. I feel like nobody's for me. And I really don't want to go to counseling. I don't want to deal with this situation, but I know I need to talk about it. And I really want my wife to have sex with me tonight, but we've been in an argument, so like I don't know if that's going. Like I was just being honest with myself, honest with where I was at. And the thing that I tell people all the time, this journey in life is about progression, not perfection.

So many people are trying to leave this perfect life.

It's impossible you live in this world with all of its issues in troubles.

What you need is.

To just make a step forward, progression over perfection every single day. And so as you do that, that's how you go from your trauma to triumph. That's how you turn your damage into destiny. Not one miracle, it's one step out of time. And that's why in this book, I want to be your coach, Like I have gone through it, and I got the scars and they have healed now and now I can point to them and say, you see this. This is why you do this in community, because when you isolate and through it alone, that's where you can get your a whooped. Like that's like like, that's where I want to show you so that you can be able to walk this out because I believe there's so much value still in everybody listening.

And I feel listen, it says it's in you. It's in you, and y'all, y'all are so going to enjoy the visuals and the diagram of even that of the value being in you. And I believe pastor Mike type because you are on the journey of healings, it might be a lifelong thing.

It don't stop, don't stop, it don't stop.

You know, it does not stop. But being an emotionally intune, emotionally healthy pastor, I can only imagine and get excited to visit your church one day to see all the all the emotionally healthy people, all the people that are starting to get emotionally healthy because of what you are willing to talk about. I feel like, like, ain't no need of us doing all this shouting and praising. If you what now? Now? You sound like your brother mentor Tim Ross?

That was the first what yeah? Were we?

We we don't need just to do something, so we need more deodorant.

We need to deal with our damage so we can get to destiny. Do you hear me?

Like? Well? I I am just super super super excited for everybody to hear this podcast. I am super I want one hundred people that listen to this podcast. I want you to d m me so that I can send you damaged but not destroys.

No, Mochelle, all you're going to do is all you're gonna do.

Now, let me let me tell you. If you're listening, you're gonna d m me damaged but not destroyed. You're also gonna d m me your name and the maling address when you do that, that lets me know you listen to this episode, So the first one hundred people that do that, because we are about healing forever. I know what the healing power of Jesus Christ has done in my life. I know what it's doing in the relationships, business and personally. And I have I, like I said, even me reading his book. Since you need to unpack this a little more. You need to. You need to unpack this a little more. And uh, pastor Mike to thank you. It just seems like you have fun in everything you Oh.

That's it. We got to. We got to.

I believe that life is to be enjoyed, not endured, and I believe that the freedom in Christ allows you to do that. So that that means you can't listen to a bunch of people because they think it's different. But I am grateful for you. You are a blessing. You are helping so many people right now be able to just approach their healing journey. And it's because of your personality, your words, you using your platform. It really is refreshing to see people actually use what God's given them to help people and not just throwing money at it or just throwing an endorsement, like you're actually in here doing the hard work and helping people. And I just want to say thank you on behalf of all the people that won't be able to be on the podcast, which I want to say, thank you.

Your value is great to our world and we really appreciate the work that you do.

Thank you, thank you. And let me tell y'all I'm excited his book is out right now. His book is out now today October third, Tuesday. It is out, so number one hundred people that's gonna hit me. But this book we're gonna add to themselves.

Let's go to be a another.

New York Times bestseller. I'm so happy that the timing of this conversation could take place for the release date of your book Damage, but not this.

Hey, Michelle, Yeah, let me say one thing. Every black male needs this book. Yes, And I want to say I want to say this as well, because I know my ladies they gonna already go, y'all are y'all are next level when it comes to like emotions. Oh, we're gonna get better. Oh y'all gonna already do it. My request for all the listeners. The back of this book is the coolest part. And you can't see it right now, but but but this is this is a picture. If you see the book, it's a picture of three generations of Todd men. It's my dad's face, my four brothers face, my face, and my son's face, and and and it looks like me. But it's all of us together, which you look like you, But you're the sum of all the people that have ever affected you. And there are so many men who need the puzzle pieces of their life put back together and need to deal with their trauma.

So if you're listening to this and you are a man, or.

You love a man, you got a young boy, you got a high school student, you got a college student, your baby, daddy, whatever, you need to get this book because it's gonna help them be able to at least start seeing the value in trying to deal with some of the things that happen to them. And I believe when the men and women get their health emotionally and spiritually right, it's gonna change everything in your family, in your community, and in your world. Michelle, I love you, dammage been not destroyed. Y'all are the best ever.

Thank y'all.

Let's go Okay, listen, I mean, what do you say? What do you say?

So?

I hope to the person that feels like you've done too much wrong or that you've sabotaged every good thing in your life, that you are encouraged to know that it's not too late. The folks that sit on these platforms as pastors, or even me with the podcast, and who authored a book, you know, who's had gospel albums out, just I hope that you could hear our hearts as far as the healing journeys and knowing that nobody escapes trauma. I'm sorry, nobody is immune to Now there are some people in my life who say, Michelle, I've honestly, I've had a great childhood. My parents were awesome. They taught us how to be loving, they taught us how to be emotionally healthy, and they instilled that in us. So I do not want to minimize that. There are some people who actually have that testimony. Yes, that's a testimony, that is a testimony. But there are some folks who have endured some abuse, some trauma, some neglect, some abandonments, some betrayal, lost. You are trying to find your way, so just want you to know that we hear you, we see you, and we feel you. That's why I passed for Mike Todd. Had to take a moment to speak in to the person's listening who might feel like you're too far gone, that too much has happened to you. Or maybe you're one who's made up team mistake after mistake after mistake, and I'm telling you you can go from trauma to triumph. All right. There's nothing you can do that separates you from God's love. Okay, all right, I love y'all. Checking In with Michelle Williams is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

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