Introduction

Why the early episodes were so slow

Who pays for the round at dinner

Checking the bank account live

Sticky hands and the fudge story

Hand towels versus the bath towel

Command hooks and the 3M testing office

Dyson dryers versus paper towel

Public toilets and stage fright

Potluck etiquette and showing off

Taking beers from the esky

Patreon, patches and sign-off

You buy dinner for the table. You also, unprompted, buy everyone a drink. When the "what do we owe you?" messages start arriving that night, are the drinks part of the bill, or have you quietly shouted a round? Christian has a position. Christian also has a running lifetime deficit.

And when you do pay someone back - do you pull up the menu and get it exact, or do you eyeball it and round up? Is it rude to request the money, or rude to make someone ask? Is there anyone out there adding a small margin to the tickets they buy for friends?

Then: you're at someone's house, you've washed your hands, and there is no hand towel. Only theirs. Is a corner enough? Is a hand dryer actually hygienic, or just loud? Is drying your hands on your own trousers a personal failing or the most efficient option available? Dion is very relaxed about all of this, which is the problem.

Plus: the anxiety of the potluck dish, whether you can take credit for something you bought, and the man who arrives at a family-friendly lunch asking only one question - where's the esky?

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

You buy dinner for the table. You also, unprompted, buy everyone a drink. When the "what do we owe you?" messages start arriving that night, are the drinks part of the bill, or have you quietly shouted a round? Christian has a position. Christian also has a running lifetime deficit.And when you do pay someone back - do you pull up the menu and get it exact, or do you eyeball it and round up? Is it rude to request the money, or rude to make someone ask? Is there anyone out there adding a small margin to the tickets they buy for friends?Then: you're at someone's house, you've washed your hands, and there is no hand towel. Only theirs. Is a corner enough? Is a hand dryer actually hygienic, or just loud? Is drying your hands on your own trousers a personal failing or the most efficient option available? Dion is very relaxed about all of this, which is the problem.Plus: the anxiety of the potluck dish, whether you can take credit for something you bought, and the man who arrives at a family-friendly lunch asking only one question - where's the esky?Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchworkFor a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

Welcome to Patchwork is a Melbourne comedy podcast that thinks too hard about the monotony of life. Christian Pisasale, Dion Factor and Joshua Porter debate the obvious, challenge social conventions and improvise sketches, more concerned with the crumbs than the cookie. Have you ever wondered whether it's acceptable to bring food to someone's house and take it home if nobody ate it? Then you're in good company. Nominated for 'Best Comedy' at the Australian Podcast Awards in 2018 and 2019.

Welcome to Patchwork is a Melbourne comedy podcast that thinks too hard about the monotony of life. Christian Pisasale, Dion Factor and Joshua Porter debate the obvious, challenge social conventions and improvise sketches, more concerned with the crumbs than the cookie. Have you ever wondered whether it's acceptable to bring food to someone's house and take it home if nobody ate it? Then you're in good company. Nominated for 'Best Comedy' at the Australian Podcast Awards in 2018 and 2019.

Welcome to Patchwork is a Melbourne comedy podcast that stares far too hard at everyday life, with Christian, Dion and Josh.

Welcome To Patchwork

Patch #167 - Do You Dry Your Hands After You Wash Them?

Picking up the dinner thread

Dads who eat before the dinner plans

Modelling eating for your kids

The second dinner at 7:30

The breakfast hypothetical

Is it the meal or the company?

Ravenous equals a longer night

Ordering ahead and sending the menu

Seasonal menus and the accidental joke

What actually counts as a pun

Behind the curtain: the placemats

Sign-off

Christian has a grievance, and it concerns the friends who arrive at a 7:30 dinner having already eaten. Is the meal the point, or is the company the point? If someone turns up sated, has the evening been quietly shortened before anyone's ordered? And is "I'll just have something small" a courtesy or a betrayal?

Josh takes some convincing. Dion wants to know whether a five-year-old needs to watch a parent eat a carrot for the whole thing to work. Along the way: the brunch version of the same crime, whether it's acceptable to ask someone to order ahead for you, and how recently a menu found online has to have been updated before you'd stake an evening on it.

Plus: a dispute over what technically qualifies as a pun, and - behind the curtain after nine years - the kitchen table resentment that has never once been resolved.

Christian has a grievance, and it concerns the friends who arrive at a 7:30 dinner having already eaten. Is the meal the point, or is the company the point? If someone turns up sated, has the evening been quietly shortened before anyone's ordered? And is "I'll just have something small" a courtesy or a betrayal?Josh takes some convincing. Dion wants to know whether a five-year-old needs to watch a parent eat a carrot for the whole thing to work. Along the way: the brunch version of the same crime, whether it's acceptable to ask someone to order ahead for you, and how recently a menu found online has to have been updated before you'd stake an evening on it.Plus: a dispute over what technically qualifies as a pun, and - behind the curtain after nine years - the kitchen table resentment that has never once been resolved.

Can You Eat Before Dinner Plans?

The lime bike and the dropped phone

What should Josh have done?

Leaving it against the parking meter

The Bandura Community Market busker

Do you tip him?

Paying the busker, and the video

Josh's rule: don't engage

Enforcing tips and the jar argument

Dion's beatboxing and bad buskers

Windscreen washers and the bonus patch tease

Patreon, YouTube and the patches

You find a phone on the footpath. You're fairly sure you know whose it is, you're fairly sure they're already long gone, and you've got a sandwich that isn't getting any fresher. How much of your Sunday afternoon do you owe a stranger? Josh has a story, a timeline, and a defence he's prepared to mount.

Then: a man playing guitar in a gravel car park to an audience of about four, giving it absolutely everything. Christian was there. Christian was also, apparently, the only one clapping. Is silence after a song worse than not tipping at all? Does a performer booked by a market become somebody else's financial responsibility? And if you've stood still for five minutes and enjoyed it, have you entered into a contract?

Josh operates under a private rule about not engaging with street performers at all, which raises the question of what kind of street you actually want to walk down at night. Dion wants enforcement. The group workshops shame, eye contact, and whether a friend should be dispatched into the crowd with a tile and a dollar preloaded. Also: is a jar a real tipping vessel, or has that never once happened?

Plus: tipping for effort rather than quality, the water-quality objection to windscreen washers at the lights, and Dion's first ever attempt at beatboxing, which was requested and should not have been.

Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork

For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork

0:00 Introduction
0:48 The lime bike and the dropped phone
3:19 What should Josh have done?
7:07 Leaving it against the parking meter
12:35 The Bundoora Community Market busker
14:34 Do you tip him?
17:57 Paying the busker, and the video
20:11 Josh's rule: don't engage
22:02 Enforcing tips and the jar argument
25:59 Dion's beatboxing and bad buskers
28:33 Windscreen washers and the bonus patch tease
29:58 Patreon, YouTube and the patches

You find a phone on the footpath. You're fairly sure you know whose it is, you're fairly sure they're already long gone, and you've got a sandwich that isn't getting any fresher. How much of your Sunday afternoon do you owe a stranger? Josh has a story, a timeline, and a defence he's prepared to mount.
Then: a man playing guitar in a gravel car park to an audience of about four, giving it absolutely everything. Christian was there. Christian was also, apparently, the only one clapping. Is silence after a song worse than not tipping at all? Does a performer booked by a market become somebody else's financial responsibility? And if you've stood still for five minutes and enjoyed it, have you entered into a contract?
Josh operates under a private rule about not engaging with street performers at all, which raises the question of what kind of street you actually want to walk down at night. Dion wants enforcement. The group workshops shame, eye contact, and whether a friend should be dispatched into the crowd with a tile and a dollar preloaded. Also: is a jar a real tipping vessel, or has that never once happened?
Plus: tipping for effort rather than quality, the water-quality objection to windscreen washers at the lights, and Dion's first ever attempt at beatboxing, which was requested and should not have been.
Follow us on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter and Facebook to see clips from the show: linktr.ee/welcometopatchwork
For a couple of dollars a month you can sign up to our Patreon page and get a bonus Patch every off week! Check out: www.patreon.com/welcometopatchwork
0:00 Introduction 0:48 The lime bike and the dropped phone 3:19 What should Josh have done? 7:07 Leaving it against the parking meter 12:35 The Bundoora Community Market busker 14:34 Do you tip him? 17:57 Paying the busker, and the video 20:11 Josh's rule: don't engage 22:02 Enforcing tips and the jar argument 25:59 Dion's beatboxing and bad buskers 28:33 Windscreen washers and the bonus patch tease 29:58 Patreon, YouTube and the patches

Patch #166 - Should You Always Tip A Busker?

The salute at work

Wave versus salute: which came first?

What a salute actually means

Should you double back and explain?

Everyone is secretly a weird silly person

Workshopping the cute salute

Plastic grinders and microplastics

Fringe trivia and the arts community

The banned Nazi play

St Kilda's Guernsey and the German Empire

Plays on the back of trucks

Somewhere between the tea room and the hallway, Josh saluted a colleague. Not ironically. Not as a bit. Just a hand to the brow, a few metres of office carpet, and an immediate out-of-body realisation that this was not a thing he does. So what do you do with a gesture that arrives before you've approved it — and is the correct response to double back and explain yourself, or to let the moment calcify into legend?

Which came first, the salute or the wave? Is one simply the other at distance? Christian holds that everyone is a weird, silly person underneath, and that the only variable is bravery. Dion wants an origin story. Nobody is entirely sure what respect has to do with touching your own forehead, and nobody is willing to look it up.

Plus: the quiet betrayal lurking inside your pepper grinder, a play that Australia banned on behalf of people it should have been offending, and the actors who put it on the back of a truck anyway.

Somewhere between the tea room and the hallway, Josh saluted a colleague. Not ironically. Not as a bit. Just a hand to the brow, a few metres of office carpet, and an immediate out-of-body realisation that this was not a thing he does. So what do you do with a gesture that arrives before you've approved it — and is the correct response to double back and explain yourself, or to let the moment calcify into legend?Which came first, the salute or the wave? Is one simply the other at distance? Christian holds that everyone is a weird, silly person underneath, and that the only variable is bravery. Dion wants an origin story. Nobody is entirely sure what respect has to do with touching your own forehead, and nobody is willing to look it up.Plus: the quiet betrayal lurking inside your pepper grinder, a play that Australia banned on behalf of people it should have been offending, and the actors who put it on the back of a truck anyway.

How Do You Say Goodbye From Across A Room?

Patch #167 - Do You Dry Your Hands After You Wash Them?

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