Whine Down with Jana KramerRandy Spelling is related to TV royalty but he’s helping people find themselves through his work as a life coach!
Jana and Randy go deep right away, and Randy opens up about not feeling like he was “enough” when growing up.
We hear the story behind Randy’s catalyst moment for a major change, and we discuss the issue that creates a close bond between Jana and Randy… and that’s the hatred of small talk.
Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio podcast.
This week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Randy Spelling on. So he's an American life coach and former actor. He's the brother of Tory Spelling, the son of Candy and Aaron Spelling. When he was seventeen, he started acting in Malibu Shores. He also did a stint on Beverly Hills, Nano two and Oh. But now he's got a Randy Spelling coaching program. So let's get him on and talk all things life coaching.
Hi, good to see you.
How are you good to see you too?
You do them?
Well?
Yeah, I'm doing well. Thanks. How about you?
Oh, you know, just another day. It's a great day. It's a great day.
I'm very excited to talk to you about your coaching program because I feel like there's so many different options out there, and I want to know what for you is the thing that sets you aside from the other coaching programs out there that someone's like I want him as my coach. I mean for me, it's like you know, you know the few and it's something I've always wanted to do, but I have like this it stops me and I don't know why, but I also want to get into that too. So, okay, what is for you the thing that kind of sets you apart from the other life coaches out there?
I think something.
We're going right into.
It, by the way, too, just writ we want to you because we have a lot of questions.
We want to do everything.
Okay, okay, let's speed date. I love it. So I think what sets me apart, like what sets anyone else apart, is their fingerprint, their footprint, the way that they walk in the world, and what they have experienced. And while I think we go through so many similar experiences as human beings, it's one of the things that I think unites all of us. I started in Hollywood, growing up with everything basically and realize that everything doesn't mean everything, so reverse engineering it going. Okay, wait, everyone looks at me thinking that I have everything, and yet I feel empty inside. I don't know what my purpose is. I'm trying to find my way. I see this world outside of me and everyone is looking up to the people around me, and yet people aren't happy. What makes people tick? What drives people? So from early on it was very empathic feeling everyone else's emotions and it was super sensitive. As a child, that was really confusing. It was like walking around like an exposed nerve and I didn't know how to manage all the information that I was receiving. So I feel like my lifelong journey has been finding what matters from the inside out, constructing that and having a way to shortcut people so they may not have to do the twenty years of going through the same patterning over and over and over, and how to link intuition and use intuition to guide you.
I feel like I've found you about fifteen years too late. Like I'm like, I could have really cut it some thing. So, I mean there's a lot of Copey under my belt over here. Tell me about high Vibe because I feel like if if I'm like, I don't know why, but I feel drawn to what you have to say. I think it is a lot because you grew up in completely opposite circumstances like fundamentally as I did. That I'm it feels enlightening to me that you would be involved and like your parents are your parents, and your sister's your sister and who they are that you would be in this like deeper dive and an introspective kind of career path. So I want to be a high viber, I think, but what does that even entail? Like are you going to come in and what are you telling me things? Are you sending me links? What are you doing? Randy?
Tell me what am I doing? So I'm actually not doing all that much you are. So in terms of High Vibe, it's my monthly membership and it's really just a community, a way for people to come in hang out. The thing about high vibe, and you hear this a lot, like in the spiritual community, it got kind of trendy like high vibe, high vibe. The thing about high vibe is you have to deal with all of the things that are keeping you low vibe. You have to deal with all the things that you go through on a daily basis. So in order to have your energy up here, it's the healthy habits, It's the way that you think, it's the way that you show up in the world, your way of being. And so the way that I work with people, I try at least, is always the deepest that I possibly can because I just don't do surface very well.
Yeah, that's always very hard for me too, especially I'm like, I don't want to go to a party, and just like, oh, look, I the small talk is my least favorite thing. It works, It's it's at the absolute worst, Like I want to I want to know every part of you, the insides out. It's like the good, the bad. What have you struggled with and you know or what have you know? What if what's the biggest lesson you've learned? And that is like those kind of conversations are what excite me. And that's it's hard. When someone invites me to go somewhe I'm like, I don't want to go. I just I can't. I can't do the small talk.
I know it's so hard, and I mean you've been through it. I've been listening to a lot of what you share, and I mean you have had quite a healing journey and introspection journey and sharing all of that. So I would imagine, you know, you seem very passionate about it. So I would imagine that just making small talk and talking about weather and different things after a while can feel kind of draining.
Yeah, I mean it's it actually takes I think it takes more effort to have small talk then it is the other way around, Like for me at least, I agree, Yeah, it's more draining.
I think that's also like what this podcast has done best. Right, we just are kind of like we are who you know, like it's a vulnerability space.
Yes.
So when I was kind of reading the notes a little bit, and I don't know if this was your words, but you said as a kid, you always felt like you weren't enough. And I feel like a lot of times, you know we is that true? We're not sure? Did I did I make that up?
Oh?
That's true? Yeah?
Where where was it for you, like your first indication of when you felt that? Because I know when I go back and I've done you know, therapy work, I can go, okay, this is where you know I've That's where I can pinpoint it back to you know, my now raising children. I'm like, I'm so mindful of like the words that I say and the things that I want to make sure for my kids. But I know that we all suffer with not feeling enough. So when was that moment for you? And then like, how through the years have you been able to find that comfort of knowing that you're enough?
So early on I started to draw conclusions. And this is not to blame anyone else, but my parents were busy, so I may have extrapolated that fact and gone, well, I'm not as important as a function or something else, which isn't true. But kids don't know how to make sense of things, so for me, I turned inward, Oh, well it must be me my sister, who's five and a half years older. You know, I wanted to watch cartoons, she wanted to watch the news, and we would end up fighting, or she didn't want me in her room and she didn't want to play with me. Understandably at times, right, I could be the annoying little brother. But then I took that and I was like, oh, yep, I'm not enough. And I started to bring these conclusions in and that became my modus OPERENDI. That's how I viewed myself, so that anytime something would happen, my brain would scan and go, yep, I know what that is. Oh I'm asking for something and you're rejecting me. I'm not enough. My third grade girlfriend who I was in love with for two days and was sobbing because she broke up with me, I'm not enough. So years of doing that led to some really really deep ravines of not enoughness.
Was there a specific, like pinpointed moment that you knew like, okay, this, from this moment forward, I've got to start doing some rewiring or some changing or identifying. Was there like a pivotal moment or was it kind of just like a compound interest of collected minutes going like ugh, you know, like I think it's time to rewid because rewiring as an adult is really hard work.
It is. It is. Yep, Listen, I help people change for a living, and it is not easy. So I'm just going to say that, and I think this is good for people to know it doesn't always have to be the hardest thing in the world. But you know, sometimes someone will do something and they'll write a gratitude list and they do it for four days. They try and change something and after a week they get frustrated. It's because change takes time. It's hard. So for me, I'd been in therapy since I was about twenty two, but I think my one catalyst moment there was a culmination of a few, but my catalyst moment was my father had passed away in two thousand and six. There is a lot of family drama and media stuff going on at the time, and I was deep, deep in addiction, living my most in offuthentic life possible, and my friends thought I was going to die. I mean, it was really, really bad. And I remember this one night, three in the morning. I'd been up for a couple days, and you know, I had all these relics in my apartment I had. I had Buddhist statues and crystals, and it was very zen. And I looked at all this and I just thought, none of this matters. I have all this around me, and I feel completely empty. And I remember I was searching for things to fill me up, and I had nothing else in my apartment. And I fell to my knees and I called my dad, Pops at the end of his life, and I said, Pops, God, Universe. I mean, I called in all the heavy hitters. I said, I deeply feel that I'm here for more. I know it, I feel it. I've experienced real connection before. I want to make a difference. I want to make an impact in this world, whatever that looks like. If I'm not meant to, if I'm not here for more than please take me out. I don't want to experience this anymore. And I didn't know what that was going to look like. But a few weeks after everything started snowballing and changing, and once I got clean, what became very apparent was this acth of helping people, and I felt more purposeful than ever. But I had to ask some really hard questions. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What changes do I need to make? And I changed almost everything in my life?
How do you handle knowing what you know, the things that you've gone through, what people could say then, but who you are now? Like, how do you deal with the people that might not be on board with the new version?
I don't think there are many who might not be on board.
I guess you wouldn't care about the ones that if either way.
Yeah, But to what you're saying, it's the same thing of when someone decides to cut out bread, right, they're trying a new way of eating, and they go to their family or friends and they get such a hard time for eating this. What do you mean you're not eating bread? But people have broken bread since the beginning of time? What's wrong with you? And I think people can feel very threatened by someone improving themselves. And you know, I had a client the other day who was saying, this, my husband isn't really on board. A couple people that I was telling that I was doing this aren't really on board. But they start to see the changes, and through that threat is an insecurity that what if you change so much and I'm left behind? That might look really good on you. What does that mean for me? So people start questioning themselves, and I would say this, you're the only person who you go to bed with a night, Truly, I don't care if you're cuddling all night. You're in your own head, You're in your own heart. You're the one who you wake up with every morning. You spend the most time with yourself. If you're not happy, if you're not happy with the changes that you make, regardless of how anyone else feels, that's time for you to make a difference.
Do you feel who is your Do you have like a mentor someone that you lean into? I mean, these are huge transformational seasons of life, and like we can always you know, like obviously we're both very like we're Christian Jesus lover, so for us that we can all lean into God but like sometimes you need like a like the human form, like a heartbeat, you know, So who is that for you?
Yeah, I've had a few over the years, and I'm just going to say this, there was a period where I may have been a little egotistical in thought, I've got this, I know this. I've done so much self work, so many forms of healing. I work with people all day long, and I was quickly humbled realizing that, oh, yeah, no, I need someone else who can see my blind spots. So, you know, sometimes I will talk to a therapist. I have a couple guides, as I call them, who are more spiritual. They're in human form, but I can talk to them, and I definitely lean into that when there's something where I'm a little bit shaken by or I can't quite see clearly, then I will always lean into them.
In our speed dating, I have another question before I'm rapid fire over here.
Sorry, before let's do let's do rapid fire. What's your like?
What's your morning routine look like? Is it the same every morning?
Like?
What do you what's your gratitude crowd? You seem just like as such a ground and calm energy.
It's like I came in very anxious podcast and you're just very yeah. Like I'm just like, yeah, Randy, tell us Randy. So, like when you wake up in the morning, what do you do first? Think first? Say first? Is it the same every day? Do you do the menu of options? Tell us about Randy in the morning.
Yep. So my morning routine is not perfect. I am not the five am, cold plunger, two hour morning routine. I have a twelve year old and an eleven year old. I'm on morning breakfast duty. Have been their whole lives. So when I had kids, I loved I lit up when my kids what At first I would go into their room when they were in cribs, and then they would come into our room, and I loved it. But what I realized was, I'm a better me. I'm a better father if I have ten to fifteen minutes of me time, whether that's a form of movement, whether that's gratitude, whether it's breathing, whether it's and I'm not kidding, twelve seconds. I'm a big fan of micro moment, where twelve seconds of just putting your hand on your heart, a feeling yourself of you know, having a connection to a higher power, whatever that is for you, and just saying thank you, thank you for actually being alive and getting a chance to experience today. And again, I'm not perfect. I don't do this every single day without fail. But most of the time I wake up and I realize this actually is a privilege and there are things that I'm going to be challenged with during the day, but I'm here and I get to experience, and the switch from have to to get to is big for me.
Are you a workout guy?
I am a workout guy?
Okay, Like, what's your workout? Are you like withp in tires? CrossFit style? Are you yoga dude? Are you all the things?
I'm not a yoga guy at all. I should probably do more yoga. So working out for me has become really personal because I've always worked out on and off my whole life. But I remember right around COVID we had just moved into our house and I was doing about five minutes of movement like the bare Bear minimum, and I realized that wasn't enough, and so I started doing a home workout that was longer. And the day that I did a thirty forty minute workout and I pushed myself. My heart was beating fast. I was pushing against the ground and doing different resistance training. My nervous system completely regulated and went from here to here, and I thought, wow, that is powerful. And I've done a lot of research around this. I've suggested this to many clients, many hardworking professionals. If you only have two minutes, even if you're in between meetings, go to a wall and push against the wall. If you don't want to get down on the ground, lift something heavy. When you do that and your body starts to shake, it's your nervous system regulating itself. And a lot of times, I don't know if you both find this. When you're feeling anxious, A lot of times we try and go, okay, calm down, but you're revving inside. So something that I find that works really well is meet the rev with the rev. Go run down the street, go jump up and down vigorously. Because when you meet the same energy, it's like homeopathy. They give you coffee, the essence of coffee to treat nervous so it cancels each they're out. So meet where you're at with the same energy, and then once you do that, then when you go to take some deep breaths and come back to center. It's much easier.
I like that. That's literally been my workout program. We're both postpartum, so we both have pretty new babies. Mine's not as new anymore. She's eleven months. Okay, still new.
Well that's still new. So yeah, what's your routine? What do you like to do?
Well?
It's interesting because I grew up I was always a runner. I'm not very coordinated, so it just like it was a very simple, good choice for me, and didn't you know? And then in this it's been a really deep lesson. Had a tailbone injury during labor, and so I haven't been able to do what I always have done, and so I've had to kind of like relearn my body, relearn how to gain strength. It's been so much slower, which I think is not lost on me. It's a lesson for sure, but it's been more pilates like movements like the strength of toning the like deeper breaths, and more pelvic floor restoration. But I just had posted the other d I was out walking and I said something similar to what you said. And I don't know why, but I felt led to like share it, and I went out, I said, I just who wants to walk with me tomorrow? Tag me and I'll retag you. And it's become this like thing. And I made a printable calendar for everyone. I was like, here's your three things in a day. Water, walk in the morning, still and just check check check. And it's been really moving to watch, just like the community of that right like it's saying what you're saying, like just getting out. I'm like, I've always I'm a very anxious person. I just run a little nervous system was kind of developed in fight or flight. So the rewiring for me right now is just going like I don't have to be so catastrophically anxious about like the simplest things. But moving my body and matching my body with where my heart rate already is has been so therapeutic. And then you just get to kind of soak in like the sounds of birds and your own footsteps, and it's just yeah, I'm going to need to try that. I like that. It's really been so good. Like it's almost like I want to like put a guarantee on it, Like if you walk for ten minutes, you just can't be as sad as you were. I think it is actually like a thing, right.
You know, you know what a really fun thing to do is. This came to me one day while I was walking down the street. I was in a bad mood and I heard just skip and I was like what, No, I'm not no, I'm not skipping, like just skip, and I started skipping, and I kid you not. It was like a movie in slow motion. I was going up and down and I started to go from frown to laughing and just like, put your eyebrows up right now, try it.
I can try, but I have a lot of otoxic go ahead.
And even that motion changes the brain chemistry of raising your eyebrows, so skipping will do that as well. So I started laughing, and I have. I've tried this with many, many different people. And the act of skipping, because adults don't really skip, is in an instant child like thing that gets you into play very quickly. And funny enough, talking about anxiety, I was doing a core for a while around anxiety, and I did a year of research, like deep dive research other than just anecdotal and what I've known, and I kept coming across the same thing that exercise and certain types of exercise. Fifty one percent? What was it? They kept saying, fifty one percent effective in various mental disorders, and then they were saying it's as effective, if not more, than therapy and medication. And I just kept seeing that over and over as effective, if not more, in different trials. That's something to pay attention to.
Yeah, absolutely, movement.
Where can our listeners either do you have a course? Is there where where can our listeners kind of find you and then your whole program?
Sure, I'm on Instagram. I'm big on there, interacting with people at Randy Spelling or Randy Spelling dot com. I have the high vibe monthly membership. I'm just coming out with something that I'm super excited about called Introducing You two point zero And it's like, love that years of work that I've done into a fourteen day experience. It's bite size, it's digestible, it's creative, it's fun, and you get to do it from your own home and I get to walk you through it in fourteen days.
Love that and like just to leave us with one piece of Randy's spelling wisdom, what's one thing that you would tell us as a life coach is the most important thing we can be doing. Obviously working out for sure, but like, what's something kind of like what's your what's your quote, what's your mantra, what's your what's your thing that can motivate us to get to that you know, next level or next step or that that happiness.
There's so many, but I would say the one that's been a guiding light for me is a line with yourself. And if that sounds like I don't know what that means, it's start listening to yourself and start small. Ask questions and see if you can listen and receive the answer. Whether you write a question and you let yourself translate what you think the answer would be. You know, you said something about we're going to laser this, we're going to speed date. I think there's a way of asking a question and letting something come and if you can get into the habit of doing this, of really listening to yourself, even if you don't know all the steps, if you just get a yes, I should change this relationship. Yes I want to do this, but I'm really scared. That's beautiful. At least you have one step forward to then go to the next step. And a writer once told me this, and it always stayed with me. I looked at him and I said, how do you write a book. I'm writing my book and I'm just meeting my self every step of the way and all these limitations. And he said, writing is like driving through fog. With fog lights, you can only see about, you know, three feet in front of you. But if you just keep going, little by little, you're gonna get there. And I think listening to yourself over and over and over again will be so powerful.
I love that.
Brandy, thank you so much for coming on. Really appreciate you.
Yeah, thanks for having me on.
Appreciate you very much.
Appreciate you. Yeah. Thanks.
Bye,
