Flying down with Jane Kramer Mia and I'm her radio podcast. Happy New Year, Whoop, whoop? Who trying not to let you float alone? Come on, girl, I'm so excited about this episode. It's a new year, new US, new moms um and I wanted to bring on some of my favorite moms um in this episode because I mean, mom's just rule life, you know. So I got my girl Catherine Woodard Witten Studio hosting today, What's Up, Sean Johnson, be Sewn Johnson, What's up? Gold medalist Shawn Johnson and my girl Christen Breast. I really wish I didn't follow gold medal and I was like, should have changed the order there, But that's fine. Uh not a gold medalist, Christen Breast? How do your gold medal? Mom? There you go? Oh? You know seven. I'm not sure how true it is. You feel uncomfortable when people say gold medalist? Yeah? Why you worked so hard for it? You shouldn't really break out in a sweat. Why it feels like a lot of pressure to live up to? What do you mean you lived to it? Like? When I was speaking of pressure, what about that gold medal? I mean, I don't know where do you keep it because when I went over to your house, I was like secretly searching for it to try it on. It was like your great is this? Um? I keep it in a safe actually, and it's safe so you can't see it. I mean I don't really need to see it. Late ninety vacuum with it on, or there many times where you're like yeah around the house naked brown chicken. No, So like it's safe in your house. I'm gonna find it. How about you come over and I'll get it on for you. I've never held a gold medal. I'll bring it over. Imagine that, like you earned that. I mean, you've worked so hard for that. I just can't for our country, Seawan Johnson, I'd love America wedding. I'm getting really hot. You're basically an American five layers on right now. I know I have a lot of clothes on. What would you want to try to win an Olympic medal for Krista zero talent so I don't know, I don't qualify for anything, but like I ran across country because I'm not coordinated, so I was like I could and I definitely knew I wouldn't be first, so I wasn't like I had to like figure out where the track was or the trail was. I just was like, cool, I'll definitely just follow this group of girls and jog it out for a while. But like, okay, let's let's do this since we're all moms. It's the mom Olympics. What would you win the gold medal in pack and play up and down? Katherine, don't give me that glare. She's like, that's hard. I am the packing play up and down champion. Didn't really I've actually said there should be mom Olympics, and I was like, I would dominate it. I don't know how to put a pack and play because there's something the thing that you pull always confuses me. So that's where I message, But I still forget it every time. That's well, I just really traualed with those babies so many times that it was like there was times where you just had to what would you fail at in the Olympics? Everything else? I think any of us would be gold medalists or a solid bronze at one handed life? Oh yeah, for sure, hold the baby do everything with one hand. Yeah yeah, I feel like I don't know. I feel like all of our husbands that are really like they're well, I mean yours is on the road a lot. That's the only thing. It was like, are helpful? No, I just your husband Kristen is married to Um Preston from Low Cash and he's on the road a lot. So I apologize for that comment. No, I didn't know where you're going with that. And we said all of our husbands, I'm like, no, they're just they're they're they're good. They're great dads, that's the thing they are. Preston's actually, he really is an awesome dad. He's just not home a lot, but he's did That's where Yeah, that's where you go with that, And I get that, and I'm sorry, but I love you. It's amazing. He's an amazing dad. Yeah. Okay, so okay, what would you get your I know, i'd like your fifth metal from six, six or seventh. Um, I wish that would be great. I don't have that many. Okay, what would you win the Olympics? I'm still figuring it out. Um, you're like I figured out the like the wrap thing, which no, the like to wear a baby? I don't know. YouTube there was like an action Well, I mean it's kind of over now jayss like everyone's in her house, So that doesn't mean who's wearing too. I'm not lying. I went to a movie the other day in which a woman, um, you don't remember I think, I said maybe, but it was actually some sort of event. I don't remember where. I just let her tell that baby just came out. That baby just came out, and none of us knew where we were. But I saw a woman wearing a child and the front carry the little kid had to have been seven years old. Stop like it was. This boy was tiptoeing. The kid was wearing jeans, like real jeans, not baby jeans, and I she was as tall as the mom. It was disturbing. It wasn't one of the raps or was it one of the because I can get the what are those things called? The yea are easy because it's a click on the top of click on the back. I mean, this kid had been fafty found, so it wasn't. It was a heavy duty one. But that's crazy on the front, wearing on the front. It was too much. I actually got one of those. Foe looked like I did the organic rap. You know how you're doing the all one piece rap. Right. See that's what's so because it was so like it just looks so cool and back She's just like she wears it so few, it's so heavy and like a door. I'm like, I tried so hard and it just I mean because like the ergo babies are too long, like my ways to my face. So when he carries you exactly, yeah, okay, okay, And then what would you I mean, you're still learning? What? What? What? No sounds failing? What are we what are you struggling with? I would actually the only person that can feed our child for some reason is my husband. Well, I mean that sounds weird because but go ahead and clarify, I'm following stress feeding our child. Um no, um, she just for some reason gets really fussy when I feed her with a bottle. And because she wants your addition, she can smell the boob because you're pumping, so she can smell that you have the note, So she only wants your boob. That makes sense, But the man can say saying that from a formal mom, But that's what I've heard. She's getting breast milk in a bottle, but she wants it from you everywhere trillion nipples and I'm leaking all over her as I'm feeding her with a bottle, and it's a hot mess. Gold medal, Gold medal. I was really good at putting babies on a schedule. It was really really good at that. It would be maybe a bronze, but I'm talking gold baby. Let's go for the Sean John that. It was really good at formula. It was really good to give it my baby's formula. Not breastfeeding. I love that that You're just I loved it, and I think because of you, I didn't feel bad in the fitting that I can help you. He did. I did for a while, but I had a lot of guilt around that sadness. Actually, I hate that for I tried. I hate that for people. I just want them to just let it go. So guilt you for it. I know it's ridiculous. I tried breastfeeding and I couldn't. And to me, well, here's the thing, like when you say you couldn't, because I remember saying I couldn't either, and they're like, there's these people, these they can come over and help you, and it's just like no, I had her, I had everything. I did it all and I just I couldn't pretty. Some people just don't want to or can't just revolve around that all the time. Some people got to go to work and can't pump every There's so many reasons, so the thought, why do you care? Like I remember when Jason was I want to get back to your metals. But it's a really good topic. I remember when jas Because I didn't, I tried breastfeeding with Jolia, and honestly, I'm gonna be really honest, here's my mom truth. I didn't want a breastfeed. I had no desire. I didn't I wasn't breastfeed, you know. I I just for some reason, I didn't feel like I had to have that connection with the baby. I'm personally I like my nipples being touched. I don't like it. I don't want someone sucking on him. I just sorry. There's a guy here and he's like, cong sorry tim um No. But I just I personally didn't want to, but it was really important to Mike, So I said, okay, I'm gonna try. And you know, my milk didn't come in, and then they wanted me to supplement, and then they wanted me to pump, and it was so stressful, and I was just like crying and I was like, oh my gosh, my baby lost even more weight than she should have. And then my milk eventually came in, but we already made decision to formula feed, and I just remember getting just like so much shame and so much hate. Luckily, Catherine was just like, oh no, She's like when I have Ramsay, I'm walking in with my formula into the hospital. And so that's what I did with Jason, and I'll never forget he got sick. He got rs V when he was just like a couple of weeks old, and everyone was just like, breast his best, this is how he's not gonna get sick. And I'm like, oh my god, they're right, Like I'm if my kid ends up getting worse, it's because of me because I didn't breast feed. And so I had two of my girlfriends come over and they're trying to because my boobs still had the milk in them and that they were just so engorged and just gross. So they had the pump on me and I literally have my friend Ashley and Julie massaging my breast to try to get milk out. And I'm just bawling. And then we're trying to like get Ja's to like connect to my nipple, and you know, I don't know how to do it because I never breastfeed, so I was like, I didn't know how to latch it and how to do all these things. And I'm just like bawling and they're trying to help me, and Mike walks in the room is like, why are you doing this to yourself? And I was like, because I have to, because everyone says that he's gonna get worse if I don't breastfeed. And he's like, you called the nurse and they said it doesn't matter. They're going to be healthy one way or the other, whether you give them formula or or the breast milk. It's it's just like but then this other person says, no, they're not because breast It is just I just can't listen to its talking, like honestly, so many opinions, and it's like in my life, like I had a husband who did two shows the year our daughter was born, Like I didn't. I needed everyone fed and just doing the best they could. I didn't and need the extra pressure of and I tried for seven weeks to feed her, and I could not do it. I mean, I had the milk Ninja. They call her in Nashville and air quotes the milk Ninja. She came, she gave me the cookie, she gave me the tea. I did all the things. I recruited some woman I didn't even know, who's so sweet songwriter, who my husband knew. I mean, I was just grabbing any resource and it just wasn't working for us. And I had so much guilt around it that I think that added to the postpartum depression. So I think that does a lot. I think that is one of the biggest contributing factors uh trouble breastfeed, the guilt around it and postpartum or breastfeeding and not getting any sleep. I will say that's a lot to people that do breastfeed successfully but get up a lot at night and they're the only ones feeding them, so the husbands are not helping, You're not getting any sleep. I think that contributes. And then my guilt was similar, but again completely different. I had milk, I was like overproducing again, bathing my child and restam another gold medal, but she wouldn't latch and that's why I had people coming in lactation specialists saying, oh, she needs surgery, she needs this, and for like lip tied and all this crap. And I was like, she's not tongue tied, she's not lip tied. I've had specialists look like she's fine, and again they're massaging your boobs and you're being I mean, you feel just I mean, it's just a very it's a lot, yeah, not modest experience. And she's also not human being, so I mean at some point you're like, okay, I do have feelings. And I remember sitting in you know, the rocking chair, and I'm bawling and she's bawling and she's hungry and she's not eating and she's not latching, and I'm just like, give her the freaking bottle. And then people guilty about the bottle and I'm like, are you kidding me? I can't I do that now at the hospital. So like with my last one, my milk comes in really fast. You know, I only pumped with one of them, really, but my milk had come in. She was latching, so I thought she was getting she was starving. She was like not getting any she had lost so much weight. I asked him to bring me a pump because I was ngorged in the hospital, and of course they didn't want to bring me a pump. I forced them to bring me a pump. When they brought me a pump, I pump for twenty minutes and nothing would come out of my boobs and I was in gorge and exactly and everyone looked at me like that and they go interesting. I was like, great, while my baby screaming, and I'm like, so do we want to do anything about this? Clearly she hasn't been eating for the last three days. I think setting out of my boobs. Had a non mom nurse in the hospital when I had legend the last baby for anybody that's new, and she's a non mom nurse, and she guilted me. Oh. I was like, I wanted to pump. I wanted formula, and like, we need to feed. I was just going to release a little bit and then but then when nothing came out, yeah, but I was like, oh, great, I brought sports brawls. I'm good to go. I did this with my first baby. I didn't even like give me sports brawls to bring me formula She's like, no, let's keep keep trying. What do you want to get some milk out of here? You know? And so finally I just yelled at him. But I don't like how hospitals are so like making everybody feel so guilty these days. I don't like it at all. Well that and like what you said about because I know you had really bad postpartum. Did you have postprim depression? I mean I think I think everyone does, like the first couple of weeks everything, Yeah, yeah, but it's just it is the comments and stuff, and I mean, I know, Sehn, you've had kind of you can't even say. You don't have to be so careful of things you say because it's like you can't even say we want a healthy baby because when people attacked then it's just it's so great. You literally cannot say anything without people attacking you. And it's like breast bottle formula. I mean I walked in, I remember we walked into to meet your beautiful baby, and I was just like, hey, you should get a baby breeze. That formulas great, like not stress. He made me feel really good because like, okay, but yeah, I mean, there's just so much guilty on every single decision you ever make as a mom. And I'm sure we're going to get some comments, you know, on this, and you know it's not it's not even like it's just we all just do our own thing and support and say, hey, I'm sorry that didn't work for you, but you're doing the best that you can. I mean, literally, you have four moms in a room that are just all they want is is to raise a healthy, good baby the best they can, like mentally, physically. It's like that should always be enough to me. Absolutely, I agree. Let's take a break. I forgot you didn't say what you did worse with mom the word the gold medal. We're there again. So my gold medal was just on a schedule, schedule and breastfeeding, which got us off on the total team. Sorry, well, well you can look at that either as a gold medal or failing formula all the formula. I yell, I can yell? Are you yellow? I am a yeller? I can I can lose my well, which is good because we're gonna be talking to Carla later. She wrote a book How a Lot, How to Not Lose your with your kids, which, okay, there's that, but Also, I think there's something and I always kind of want to do a segment on this on the show. Just a true mom, like a mom truth or a mom what's the thing called like when you um come and help me out here where it's like would say like fail, no, like a mom's secret or it's like I really wanted to confession, like a mom confessions confession, but it's like it's so bad, you know what I mean that? Like, but other mom would relate to Does anyone have a mom confession? Yeah, but we'll well, we'll just we'll meet you there. Let us be vulnerable to meet you there. All the women, all the mom haters out there, they're they're gonna come Confortunately someone gave birth to them. Okay, I'll start with like a simple one. Okay, okay, so I pump for every single feeding. Are you gonna do formula? Um? I started? Yeah, okay, yeah, I good, good for you. Formula so that you go battlists can make us feel like, actually have some formula samples in our bag right now to give you she actually does. Um. So I have supplemented with formula and I plan on some point, but since I am producing at the moment. I'm just kind of like whatever. I had to pump on the plane for the first time the other day, so that was a humbling experience. Um so that made me not want to pump anymore. Well, when you're ready to drop, but some cold cabbage on your boobs works, like just don yeah, I know, that's that's what killed me. Cold cabbage in a tight sports p will lock those bad boys up. Um okay, So I'll start with the tame one. I mean, this could be team or not. I don't know, but they like people guilt you into like you gotta wash everything, you gotta do it in whatever whatever. Um, I can't tell you the last time I've cleaned pump hearts. It's that bad. No, I'm not gonna let anybody feel bad, you see me. I'm like, nope, absolutely not. I mean that's terrible. That's my first one. That's good. Have you like rented out with water? Janna's judging wondered what that to? Have you have you thought about it? I'm just the voice for the listeners, So I'm just gonna like I'm just doing Yes, I use it. I rented out with really hot water. Then she's not okay, what's the bad one? I come on, Okay, okay, we got to come up with that mouse. Okay, Kristen, Yeah, mind some more recent and so embarrassing. I don't share it. I don't even get to poop by myself. So you guys, this is such mom like we have toddlers. This is so embarrassing. I can't believe this is the most recent one I can think of, because I feel like the baby days I was since such a fog. Anyways, the other day, everyone kept coming into the bathroom and my husband's on the road, and I was just like, I just got the bathroom in peace. So I made them all go outside. I only have too, but it feels like there's fifty when they're all engaging. So I made them go to the outside the back. I like push them out of the half bath and shut the door and I locked it, which just really threw them both for like it's very abandoned. And then I was like, how am I supposed to even enjoy being in here by myself if you're both crying outside of the door. And I felt like it was a hostage situation. So I turned to Peekaboo Barn on my cell phone and I triple keyed it, you know, to put it under child lock, and I slid it under the door like it you know, you like triple click to get it on like guided access, so they can't get into any part of your phone other than what a is open. Okay, it's actually an iPhone thing. It's not like an extra app or anything. Guided access is what it's called interesting and you can do it on any app you're in you just like I think it's the side key. You just triple click it and it puts you in. You have to have a passco to get out of it anyway, so I triple not seem like a fail. Okay, great, I slid it under like it was a hostage negotiation, and I heard, okay, I need you, I need you, I need because I'm not saying this is just my screen time here with even so that I could just okay, well, I just admitted to giving my child bacteria filled milk. All right, I'm gonna get I'm gonna get. Give me time time, Christie. If you don't want to do that, do you like a mom confession where it's like, sometimes I wish that my child would be beep beep. I'm gonna have you guys. I have them. I did a lot of days alone, like Jannah knows, I didn't. We don't have like a nanny. We didn't have a night nurse at all with the first one. I had a night nurse for sixteen nights with the second one. So there's certainly some dark times. I just need to dig for a minute. I just it was a moment I wasn't proud of when I slid the ransom under the doors so that I could poop alone in peace. Catherine, I know I have. I just got to think about it, not even like something that's happened, like just like sometimes I wish or sometimes I think my daughter is annoying, or sometimes I missed the days where I used to sit in my apartment and date myself and watch two movies back to back and order pad tie and open a bottle of wine at the very beginning of the first movie and order pad tied before the second one. Kristen, do miss it? I miss alone time? Oh? Yeah? Alone time for sure. I mean not in like I mean not in a way where I'm like I wish this would all go away, But I definitely and then I feel guilty because I missed those days. Sure well here and that's the problem too, because for everything that and you know you've gone through we'll shoot you guys. Both Catherine didn't gone through a miscarriage, have you? So? Okay? So Sean and Krison have both gone through miscarriages, as I have as well. But we can't say that because then people say, but you should be so grateful, like you have a kid. So that's another thing where it's like it's very hard to but I feel so we're entitled to that. Like, yes, I too would like to poop alone and not have Jay's pounding on the door and Julie asking me questions. Absolutely, I would love to lay about all day and watch a walk to you know, walk to remember, and a walk in the clouds and anything else with the walk to do whatever I want and whatever. Yeah, but you also then if you say that, then you get crapped for that. Yeah. Well, if you're in the arena, you gotta play big. If you're in the arena, they tear you down. Do anything, keV. I mean, I know I have stuff, Sean, just say it that I have so many there has to be come on, I mean, what are you feeding my newborn bacteria filled milk? So it's pretty bad, all right, well that I need my kids like lucky charms. Isn't your milk like the cleanest thing, more leaning than that? Yeah, but I guess I'm just I wouldn't worry. I love our two side conversations. Y'all are talking about the milk being you know, clean, But then Katherine's like, I need my kids lucky charm. You never feed your kids that, And I was like, I could fettle more lenient. Yeah, Like we go in the beach trip and it's like, oh, we got lucky charms for exciting like playing. I'm like, my kids get it all the time, but fine, totally respect, you know whatever. And I'm like, what marshmallows. I was like, oh, dear God, here hoss avocados coming right? You know? I was like, who wants blueberries and scrambled eggs? I know, no, but I am getting I am getting way better with that because just the other day, Julie asked for cereal all the time for dinner, and all the time I'm like, no, no, no, no no. And finally, in the past couple of nights, I'm like, yes, fine, what do you want which one? Yeah? Good for you. Yeah, we had a lot of rules. I felt like growing up with that kind of stuff, and so I think that's why I don't have a lot of I'm not a huge agreed. There's a happy medium. We're just good at balancing. I will let them have junk, but they will have fruit with every meal. Listen, dinner, they'll have a fruit vegetable. But I'll let you know. I don't care if clean. But then also love orders talk about with me on DoorDash. So see, I'm all about some balance. Yeah, you need it. She says, I need a taco without the salad, so she's even taking off anything green that comes with taco. About. Yeah. Here's the thing though that I dip do with Jolie is I have to She has to make a happy play in order to get a snack, so happy plate means she has to finish her meal, her dinner before she can get chocolate or a cookie. I usually do that. I mean, there are times I will break the rule, but in general, yes, I can't go completely rogue. Guys are looking to us for some sort of guidance. You can't, I mean, but then like your kids get older and it's like, I'm not going to tell them they can't go get a snack like I go to school now, you know. And it's like so it changes as they get older a little bit too. Well. It's funny because that year I was just at Katherine's, her daughter's what how old is she? Eight? Hate year old? Party, and they were sprite there and Julie's wants and I was like, no, Julie can't have it, and she's like, you know, starts her litt temper. I was like, you're not fine. You've never tried it before I try it, so I feel like she hated it, but she usually the case that's good. Yeah, I was like, all right, my kids, with all of us, actually we think we want something and then we have it and we're like, my kids didn't have soft drinks to relate, I mean, minus like my in law is giving it to him when I don't know. But now occasionally I'll let them have like a dr pepper or coke. Conession, I'm like the cleanest human on the planet. This is a good confession. Sparked by your soda talk pop. If you're in the North, I am clean, clean, like gluten raw like I don't eat meat, the kids don't eat meat. Pressing is a redneck, so he eats meat when he's not at home. But when I was growing love Bug in my belly, I had a fountain soda a day. I could not get enough. I couldn't get enough of it, and Pressing kept saying, you're feeding our baby rat poison sugar. And I was like, lay off me at like the sonic time. So there's one. I mean, like she honestly her blood type could be a positive and diet PEPSI. I drank a coke slurpee every single day with Jay's all right, I'm gonna seven eleven. Your confession suck. I always drink it, trying so hard. The dark days I forget, but that days. Oh before we take a break because actually we probably talked to her next because I think we're on the right track here. How did I lose your with your kids? Um? We're gonna have carlin Naumberg on the phone with us next. Okay, I'm really excited about this because obviously I have my girls here, but we are getting get on the phone with Carla um In her book, I'll never forget. It came to me. I think it was like in UM some like gift box or whatever, but it was how did not lose your with your kids? And I was like, I love this title so much. So we have around the phone right now, Carla, I'm glad to be here. UM, thank you for just being honest, because I feel like a lot of times people are like, they don't we lose our? But how do you not lose your? That's the thing. Oh, we all lose our. I still lose my. I just do it less than I used to, and when it still happens, I can recover a lot more quickly than I did before. But let's be clear, we're all losing it, right, But like, what's the first step in taking that to not like is it to take a breath as it to walk away? I need to read it because I still have it's sitting on my sitting on my side table, and it's just it's almost like I just have to keep looking at it to be like, okay, breathe, But what like I'm gonna open it. I promise I will, But what's the first step in that? I think the first step is to understand what's causing our ship loss right. And we may think it's because our kids are being obnoxious or unreasonable or unpredictable, and well, that's true. Sometimes I would argue it's that because we parents get triggered. Something happens in our life, whether it's something about a mortgage payment or a flat tire or bad news from the principle or whatever it is, and our buttons, and we all have the buttons, get big and bright and super sensitive when we are triggered. And then our kids come along and as any parent who is spanking big man, so the kid will tell you. Kids see a button and they want to push it. So when we parents are triggered, we've got these super pushable buttons, and our kids are like, I'm going for it. I'm spicking my finger out, I'm pushing that button, because that's what you do. And so the first step up is to start to notice when we parents are triggered and know how to take care of ourselves so that when our kids behave in problematic, annoying, and predictable whatever ways, our buttons aren't pushed. We can be cool and stay calm and roll with it. Because any parenting book that tells you that the secret to not losing your is to get your kids to behave well all the time. Well, I don't know. No, I don't think that's ever going to happen. If I had the secret to that, I don't know, I'd be hanging out with Oprah my private Islanderson. Why are you shaking your head? Because no kid is going to behave well all the time. I mean that's likely appropriate. No, I don't actually want them to, because then I'll feel like they're better than me. Who's raising who? I mean? If they lose there and I lose my, then at least we're all being human. Make you feel better about yourself. Yeah, you're all losing it together. That's right. My four year old already kind of acts like she should be a parent. So if she was like always well put together and in a tiny business suit and life, I think I would probably feel like there's no need for me and I could just roll out. Is that a thing, though? Is it is that important to not have the kid be the parent in that situation? Absolutely? Look, kids need to be kids, and when kids become parents, they don't They don't get a chance to have fun and make mistakes and feel their feelings and do all those things. So absolutely, I mean, letting our kids be kids is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. And I frequently say to my older daughter who wants to be the parents, She's like, I think she's ready, she's eleven years old. I say to her, Hey, I got this. I'm the parent. I'll take care of this for you. Now. She doesn't always believe me, but we'll get there. How is like, what do you say when you Because there's a lot of times when I've talked to Jolie and I've gone in the room and I know I did it wrong. Is there something that I should say? Like should I go and apologize for for me losing it? Oh? Absolutely? And here's how I do it. And I've had a lot of practice with this. One is I'll go in and I'll say I'm sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't yelled at you. That wasn't the right way to handle it. And look, the trick to apologizing, well, there's two tricks. One is wait till you're calm. If you're still all triggered and piste off, what's gonna happen is you're gonna go in there and apologize to your child, and you're gonna expect them to be like, it's who came, mom me, I love you, I'm sorry too, this was all my fault. And instead they're gonna like grumble at you, or be like, yeah, you should be yelled at me, or maybe they're just gonna ignore you. And because you're still triggered, you're gonna find that behavior annoying and you're gonna lose your again. So you gotta wait till you're calm, so that even if the kid doesn't give you this awesome response that you want, you can still stay calm and not lose it. And the other thing is that you never have to apologize for how you feel. You don't have to say I'm sorry, I was mad. There's nothing wrong with being mad, and I want adults to know that, and I really want kids to know that there's nothing wrong with being mad or piste off or frustrated or confused or anxious or any of it. I mean, it doesn't feel good, but there's nothing wrong with it. So we apologize for our behavior, right, I'm sorry yelled at you, I'm sorry I slammed the door, and then after we've sort of reconnected, there may need to be another conversation like, hey, buddy, I'm sorry I locked it, but I asked you to put on your shoes eighty seven times and I got frustrated. And then you can talk about strategies for getting those shoes on, which is, you know, the challenge of a lifetime. Well and then you also have a thing too with like how to make bedtime easier, because I feel like that's been my biggest struggle. I mean, what Katherine you're over last night, Julie, I mean she got up five million times. I have to pee, I want milk, I want water, I have to go to the bathroom again. I'm scared in my room. I need my unicorn, I need my But it's like, Jolie, please go back to bed, Julie, please go And then I wanted to scream, Jolie, go back to freaking you know what I mean, Like, it's got so frustrating because it's two hours of it. So I'm like, what do what do I say to? You know, she's going to be four in like a few weeks, so love to that old This is a tough age, By the way, I would argue that three and a half to more and a half is the hardest age. A m It gets better. I promise it will get better. But what you can finally say you were is you can say, hey, kiddo, I am tired. If you get up again, there is a chance I'm gonna lose it with you because I'm getting too tired and I can't. I need to go to bed. And so if you come down again, there is a chance I'm gonna yell at you because I'm so frustrated, and I just want you to know that, and I say things like that's my kids. I'll say to them, you know what, my buttons are all pushed. I'm gonna go in the other room taking deep breath, and if you follow me, I will probably yell at you. So I need you to know that. And sometimes they give me some space, and sometimes they come in after me and guess what, I lose it because I got no band with left. Is it okay to yell? Is it okay to yell? Yeah? Of course we all do it. Sometimes the question is, well, it depends is so first of all, is this the dominant dynamic in your relationship with your child? If you're yelling at the constantly, that's not awesome, right, It doesn't feel good for you, it doesn't feel good for them. And if you're yelling at them about sort of confusing and unpredictable things in ways that feel disproportionate, like if they spill their milk, and maybe when you know you were a kid, your parents just would absolutely explode, like ethically when you spilled your milk. And so now you see spilled milk in your body's like, oh, I know what to do in the situation, I lose my And if you like explode like crazy town over spilled milk, that's confusing for a child. You know they're gonna be like, oh, I must have done something crazy wrong because mom just exploded. There is something wrong with me. But you know, let's talk about the shoes thing, because I don't know about you, but in my family, this is like the ongoing struggle, even though we do it every freaking day, somehow it takes a million years to get our shoes on every morning. My daughter like eighteen times put on your shoes, till on your shoes, put on your shoes, and she doesn't, and then I yell at her that's pretty predictable. Like she she knew that was coming. I should have maybe slowed down and got, you know, down on her level and said, let's go put on your shoes. What's your strategy for doing it and talked her through it. But mornings are busy. I don't always do that, and so that's a pretty predictable outcome, and she can say, internal, Oh, the reason mom yelled at me is let me put my shoes on. So some of the questions you might want to ask yourself is how often are you exploding at your kids? And how intensely is it and is it proportionate to what's actually going on? That makes a lot of sense. It's so hard though, I think a lot of times for me, it's not. I'm not They're like the straw that broke the camel's back for me, So it will be like a million other adult things and then it will just be like the one thing that they do and I don't. We're not really a yelling household. I grew up in a super yelling household, so I'm very like conscious of how we parent, and it's pretty calm most of the time. But and I'm not saying it's like perfect, it's just calm, like we just don't rage out, you know, Um, but I do. I don't know, Like I I feel like it's usually like if I'm upset with my husband or he's done something that's bothered me, and then they don't put their shoes on or whatever, then I'm like, ah, you know, like it's it's that's there. Unfortunately, I'm just like outing myself. It sound like the worst mom ever. You're no, you're being real, and I appreciate because yeah, it's like sound like me and every other mom. I mean, I would argue that is the most common reason we lose it with our kids. Sometimes it's because they've done something so ethically annoying or problematic that we have no coping skills left. But more often than not, it's because we're exhausted, we're pistol our parenting partners, some other mom on the playground, some made some weird, snarky comment and we can't stop thinking about it. We heard something horrible on the news, which hello, that's constant these days. So we're triggered and we have literally nothing left. Yeah, I'm more annoyed with the adult children in my life than I am the children children in my life, so our buttons are huge and bright and red and super sensitive. And sometimes my buttons get so big that my kid even walks in the room and I'm like, get out. And so you know, our job in that case is to be the grown up to notice that we are triggered like crazy. And then we've got a few options. You can say to your kid, I'm having a really hard day, like, let's try to be a team and work together and just take it easy on each other because I don't have a lot of like, I don't have a lot of energy left. And obviously you change the language depending on how old they kid is. And some things we get home and I'm like, yay, tonight is special eating dinner in front of the TV night because mom got nothing left to give you. And so I say those nights for mac and cheese in front of the TV for when I need them, not to when the kids meet them, but when I'm like, I literally need you to not engage with me because I'm so wiped out. And that's that's just being honest about what I have in that moment, right and so, and they think it's amazing. They think it's like a party. Meanwhile, I'm stewing and like plotting my husband's death. But you're like happily friends over here watching TV and it's great. What's the problem? Eat your macaroni. I'm figuring out how to hide up, how how to hide the body? I love you? There you go. Yeah, But I guess that leads to the you know, the grand old point right there. I mean, that's most of it is because of you know, the something's bothering you from work or your spouse or and I feel bad that our kids take the brunt of of that. I really think the most important thing is having that conversation. I can't tell you how many times I've lost my and then gone back and apologized when I'm calm, like she said, had the conversation, and they're like, it's okay, mommy, like you know, and just explain. I do that at night too. I'm like, I am tired. I need you to go to sleep because I am really tired, and I'm about I do all of those things, and it makes a huge difference, especially as they get older they can understand it. It helps a lot and just notice things that we're about to lose it because a lot of us walk around triggered like crazy all day long. Our shoulders are up by our ears, were taking these deep breaths, you know, we're having these piste off thoughts in our mind and we don't even notice it. And so when you can start to realize, oh, I'm in a not great place right now, and I need to take ten deep breaths to go for walk around the block, or sit and just drop my shoulders or whatever it is to kind of calm down. That makes a huge difference. Chris, and what we're you gonna say, I was gonna say, for a bedtime for us NAPTI in bedtime, we're failing miserably at bedtime or we're super succeeding, depending on how granola you are. I'm either the co sleep champion or I'm like them in your own bed like failure. So um, but like for naptime, she doesn't like to she doesn't like to lay down, and she's she's about to be four on Sunday and I can't even say that barely without crying. So um, I just now tell her if she's awake in five minutes, she can get back up and watch TV because I know she's not going to do it. She also doesn't know what five minutes is, so it's awesome because she'd be like, is it five minutes yet? And I'm like, nope, you gotta close your eyes. If you're still awake in five minutes, then we can watch TV. And then that she just never makes it. They're exhausted, so they don't know yet. Take advantage friends. We haven't educated them on the power of a minute. You have a baby, so it's like, what's your any questions for Carla? The fact that you know, have you lost your stuff on your sweet innocent little baby? You're sweet little baby? Does I think I take all my baby frustration out of my husband. Nfortunately, just because you can't really talk to and to two month old Ayah and be like, why are you crying? Although we have actually yeah, like I don't know what you want. I don't know what you need for me. I need you to stop crying. I'm gonna go take it out to my husband now, and then I'm gonna find my husband argue with him for no reason whatsoever. YEA sounds about sounds about the game, right, Carla? About four or four Carla what's the one thing that you wish that you would have known, you know from the very beginning with your parenting style, and um, just yeah, something that would have just kept you a little peaceful with this journey. I wish I had understood that for me and for almost everyone's, sleep is non negotiable and when you're not sleeping, you cannot parent well and you have to cut yourself a whole lot of slack. I was, you can't do anything. And I was losing my shop with my husband. I was losing my shop with myself. I was. I mean, it was a mess. My anxiety exploded. It was all because I was sleeping. But I thought I had to be some like super mom and power through. And really, what I should have been saying to myself is this is a stage. We'll get through it. And like today, my goal is to get like, keep my kid alive, keep my help alive, and get through with the bare minimum of what needs to happen. Carla, where can our listeners find you? So? Um? The book is called How to Stop Losing your with your Kids. It's available at their local independent bookstore, on Amazon where the books are sold, and on my website. Is Carla Namberg dot com. Yay um, Carla, thank you so much for talking to us moms who really appreciate it. And I feel like we just need to all mamas out there and need to give yourself a little bit of grace because we're doing just the best that we can. Amen. Amen, from the depths of my soul. Thank you, Carla, Thanks a lot. Bye. I got a couple of emails. I wanna get y'all's input. Okay from anonymous overly friendly neighbor? Wait what from anonymous? Oh? Okay from anonymous about an overly friendly neighbor. Interesting, Christen, did you write this? No, you would have had clarity on the first sentence. So we moved into a new neighborhood and we're having a few cocktails with the neighbor. Her husband was at work. She out of the blue asked my husband what what? I'm sorry, She out of the blue asked my husband what kind of underwear he wears? Then she looked him up and found what high school he went to and that he has a football record. So now I have no interest in the girl, and my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't trust her. I trust my husband, but I can't be friends with her? Do you agree? Strong agree? Yeah? Why that's weird. That's a that's an aggressive like, that's weird question. It's nice to meet you guys, Tidy whiteis or boxers? Yeah, I mean if overly friendly, it's her putting it nicely. I would have been like from anonymous, bitches crazy, you know what I mean? Like, honestly, can you imagine looking up what high school? It's not like she's saying her husband played in the NFL or something and it's like, oh, well, that's interesting. Let's see where I mean in high school? Yeah, that's like faceboo this person. I just think it'd be really weird if I went up to even Nick. I've known Nick for how many years? Your husband, Catherine? I mean, I would be like if I asked Nick what kind of underwear he wears? And that's just so, and your to your point is your high school team. It's just like your high school. And she looked him up and found what high school he went to and that he has a football record. So now I have no interest in the girl. And my husband thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't like that. Yeah, I don't. Why don't? Well, and he probably loves the attemp doesn't think it's a big deal. But but I hope he knows that, like, that's weird, but it's also flattering for him. I wonder if the rules were reversed and it was a guy neighbor looking at her high school and and asking her what kind of bra she wears, would he feel that way? Probably not flip it. You should do that, bitches crazy, So let's just not invite that neighbor over next time. Okay? From Anonymous husbands and social media. I am married and have been for a little over a year. My husband and I were best friends for two years and then dated for three before getting married. Knowing my husband for so long, I knew every girl he had been with. Everything was going fine until I noticed he was still talking to his previous hook up friend. I talked about it with him and he stopped from there, though I was very suspicious because I had been due before. He worked at a big city hospital during this time, and I noticed that he filed a lot of his coworkers and coworkers on social media. I didn't think it was strange until I noticed that a lot of these coworkers were nurses and that they tended to post certain posts I was uncomfortable with. He also had these people on Snapchat and still had his excess on his social media as well. Eventually he just deleted social media social media altogether because he would get so defensive when I brought it up. What are your thoughts on this? Up to? No good? Strong dislike social media sucks, whether it's innocent or not. People blur lines every single day, every single day. People are flirts by nature, and social media exaggerates it, and there's no easy way to paint a black or white line, so it makes it really complicated. And there's no reason he should know what any if you went objective, say there is no social media, he wouldn't know what those nurses are doing on their downtime. So I don't like the accessibility of knowing what they're up to. And just in our marriage, what works for us. Please don't write to Joanna. Um, it's just no girls. There's just no girls. It can't it doesn't work. Well. It's Preston told me when we met, guys and girls can't be friends. And at first I was like, no way, and then I started thinking about it, and he was like, to name a guy friend you have that wouldn't make out with you have given the choice, And I was like, I yike. You know my husband said the same thing. Girls and guys can't be friends. I mean I don't, but I also just at this point have no interest in wanting to engage with another dude period. I mean, everything is very respectful, Like I don't. I don't have Mike's number, I don't want Mike's number. I don't have Nick's number. I didn't even save Preston's number under Preston like when he had texted about your surprise party, Like I don't, I don't. I don't know Andrew on there just because he's like a brother to me. Yeah, but I'm saying like I don't, but I wouldn't be even in the inside jokes that we have from like our game nights and stuff. I just text you guys about it, you know, and just assume that you tell your husband's like I don't, I don't know. Just my question though about that, what're gonna say with social media too, it takes away any of the guestswork, So like if you follow any of your co workers on social media, you go into work the next day knowing what they did that night, what they drank, what they ate usually because people always take a picture of it. I shake basic, Yes, exactly. It takes away like the first couple of dates. I mean, to be honest, it's it's like you've already gone on a first date with someone, so you already know them more than you should. It makes it really complicated. So here's my question, because my husband isn't on social media, because all of your husbands are, So do you do you patrol or do you like? What if and Andrew follows me? Does he now if you what if you saw your husband? What if Nick's following a Victoria's Secret model? What if Andrew is following a pretty girl? Like what if Preston is following? You know? So it's like, what what do you do that? Do you say? Can you please and follow? Because that makes me uncomfortable? Or I know, I mean, I know how it would makes me feel. But also you know, luckily he's not on social media. But still, I mean, I think it's safe to ask that at any point. I think everyone has the right to ask that if it makes them uncomfortable. I mean, Nick does follow women on social media and he has clients that are women, and I just but what if they're like, fortunately, like bikini shots and stuff. I mean, I haven't looked, but yeah, I would definitely say something and say uncomfortable with it. I guess. I mean, I'm my well you, I think you could ask anyone. I think you could ask your significant other to and follow anyone. But social media is not. I mean you can't censor it. So whether you follow them or not, it's still accessible. And does that I feel like it's just the world we live in unfortunately, because if you go to a bar without social media, someone's probably going to put moves on your husband. It's going to happen, and vice versa. That's just life and was social media, it's exaggerated. People can do it every day in any way, shape or form, whether it's intended or not. Just by posting a bikini shot, they're basically putting a move on on everyone in the world. And it's just your choice every single day to say, Okay, you know what, you're going to see it. You're going to have thoughts about it, just because it's the world we live in. But at the end, of the day, you have to make your choice of being integrity having exactly like that. That's very well said. I mean, because how many times on a daily basis are we seeing something that our husband probably doesn't want us to be looking at, whether it's a shortless sky or that's the thing, I don't even intentionally look at it like I was. I was just scrolling through. And I know exactly we're talking about because on Instagram the other day, I was just scrolling through and like I saw, like Tyler Cameron. Yes he is a very attractive man, but I didn't even like I have no, I don't want to look at it. But that's the difference, because we're also annoyed by many that were like I'm not spending my free time looking at the differences. Is you still saw it, but I did not mean with it. But you don't know if he thought further about it, or if he didn't think as I say, as women though are natural instinct would be like you did think something about it, even though and maybe they scrolled by it and stopped for a second but kept going. We're going to say, oh, but you stopped, whether you like I thought it was something else, it's just how we're wired, and it's just that active choice every day to be like, you know what, he's choosing me. He's at home and I have to trust him until something else happens and we'll take it from there. It sucks. So if you ever do you ever look to see? I tried. I'm a girl, of course I look, But I honestly, every time I catch myself getting within that vibe of I want to check and I want to see and I want to patrol, I try to get out of it as quickly as possible because that's just a spiral waiting to happen. If at the end of the day have to just trust. And I know people always say, you know that's like je sic your worst problem. It's like no, but it's like trust problem. It's everyone. It's yeah, everyone has a hard time trusting. I think that's just again because of society. It's hard to so you question things a lot, but the trust is still, you know, it's just hard. I remember a girl posted one time, um being on the bus with Preston not like in the front lounge. So if you're a music person, you know, like front lounge just kind of like living room, you know, and it's not anything like they were like taking a selfie in a bunk, because I would murder. But it was like I, you know I did in my twenties, like just like selfies just didn't care like I was just like I was the worst. Anyways, continued, but I did say to him, I mean it was okay. So she takes this picture, right, she was like a singer opening up for them or something. And and the guys are genuinely nice guys. They're not creepy, they're just they are good guys. And they invited her to come on with her dad and they all talked and hung out. But I didn't see the dad, right, I didn't know she was on the bus um. And so I see this picture and she's like, oh my gosh, the best guys ever had so much fun partying with you. So instantly I'm like, who is she? When was this? Why didn't you tell me how much partying? There's so many pieces missing of it that it's so misleading. And that's when you're like, this isn't like that's that's where the trust too. That's the thing that information first that he's going her dad was with her and this other dude. So when I brought it up to him, this is I just need to like sing his praises because there's a lot of times where I don't, admittedly, but he like, there's a no chick on the bus policy. Now that's just that because he's like, okay, well, and I said to him, I was like, if I'm feeling that way and I can get to the bottom of it, like, what does it look like? The perception is your party, guys, and a girl can be on your bus, and that's a lot of girls. They're doing that for that reaction, of course, I mean, that's what they're doing. They want the reaction of oh my god, you partied with them, you know, And that's why it's just easier to just know. Well, which kind of goes into this last email um from Anonymous. His love triggers me trust has been broken in our marriage. I think that's just that line is like right there made me want to cry a little bit. We haven't been to therapy yet, hope to, but has not been a priority. We can't seem to move forward in rebuilding, and I'm afraid it will be the end of us. Not to say we don't both want to try. He's putting an effort by being transparent, but I am having a hard time with my part. How do you rebuild trust when even his love is a trigger? Every time he says he loves me, I'm reminded that if he loved me, he wouldn't have caused me so much pain. M hmm. For any of us qualified to answers, you need a PhD. That's what I've always been trying to like find though, because I a lot of people again, I always they're like, you just need to trust or or it's it's like it's so much that's not something to say to anyone because like even in your situation, like yes you trust Andrew, but you still might look absolutely its social media and things, and it's like, how do you rebild trust? I think it's just time. I think it's time to time and a lot of a lot of therapy, yes, a lot of proof and consistent, rigorous honesty. And I think that's the changes is like an absolute must. It's not just the time, it's action. For me, like I can, I don't need words. I grew up with a lot of like do as I say, not as I do. Kind of mentality in our house, parents wise, and so I have to zero interests and like hearing anyone talk about how they're going to be different and not do anything. Sure, well, I think the hard time. The hard thing too is like you know, even in the situation before, it's like you you give them trust, but then they lie. So it's like that situation just continues to make them not trustworthy because of like Katherine said, the consistency and being rigorously honest. So, um, there's something that UM I know has worked and we learned from therapy is the rule. So you have twenty four hours if you lie, to come back and say, hey, you know what I messed up. That was a lie And that shows change, That shows some honesty, that shows a little growth. But I would say get into therapy because it's worth it. I don't think you can do it without therapy. You can't. Just I don't think you can. It's too emotional. I don't think you can because I think you need a third party kind of calling people to the table and some accountability for some things, and I think you can't do that with each other. I just don't think you can. Are we all on the same page. Yeah agree, guys, good episode. Yeah right, you're amazing. We didn't get Shawn's big confession. Oh yeah again, bacteria filled milk. There you go. It wasn't that. Um girls, where can all the listeners and jew Christen At a little bit fancy to spell it out, not like a rapper? Um at? Shawn Johnson, Sean Johnson, nobody, Catherine just everyone knows Catherine, Katherine Woodard? Is it Katherine V. Woodard? I don't know. I love you girls, Thanks for hanging out with me. It's really cool that we had a really fun, like you know, girls, girls episode anytime. We've been talking about this for too long. It was time we did. It was time, um Stay tuned for next week.