Wine Down with Jane Kramer and I heard radio podcast. You guys, this is our last podcast before of the years. Yeah, of the I think that I think we take a week off, right, Maybe I don't know about I actually needed to ask you that question. I did too. I talk about it all figured next week you're very busy. I deleted it off my calendar and Daniel is like, are we not? We're not doing next week? And I was like, I'll talk to Janna. Oh next week I'll be in London, So there you good, Daniel. Um, yeah, so I guess unless we do, unless we do one when we come when I come back from London, like a recap one. So maybe we're maybe well yeah, I think we ourselves and the people we have to stay. Plus we need like a little New Year's resolution moment, don't we. Yeah, okay, so let's do. So this will be the last one before I go to London, because when you guys are listening to this, I will be hopefully God you don't say no, no, no no. I start to get um, everybody I know is sick right now, Yeah, has the flu or something, And I'm like, if I get the flu and I can't get on the plane. No no, no, no. So I'm like, I'm trying something the other day Jason sniffling, I'm like, don't touch me. Love is in the air, young one, move this along. But it's been a sickly everybody is sick right now. For sure it is and repeat virus. Like. I'm at the point where I'm like, definitely, there's no way we could get anything new. All the things off. And then last night Legends awake coughing. It's fine. I think it's fine. I'm going to be the reason is this? What do fifty something degrees? You know that back and forth is always gonna and at fifty I turned on the fireplace now because I've officially lost any sort of Michigan or toughness. But the same the air is dry in our house and you know, yeah, so hopefully when you guys are listening to this episode, I will be in too busy making out in London. I just yeah, I know, I started to just because you know, when you're so excited for something, Yeah, it's hey, they always zoom in. I have to say whenever i'm guys, because I every time they put a little like snippet of us up on Instagram. They always go to my face making my card on the sleeve face and just now I did it and I'm certain they're going to use it and I have to lock it up. It's great because people always want to see the the reaction you go, um anyway, anyway, So when you're excited about something, well, no, I just yeah, I just you know, I'm I yeah, I get not. I don't want to say, I don't want to put it out there that it's not going to happen, but I just get nervous. Yeah, because I think we daydream us girls in our brain of how it's gonna look, and then when it doesn't end up that way, but this time, when it doesn't end up that way, this time it will. And I think it's really indicative of how you're truly feeling that you would be nervous to miss it. That's my favorite part about this. Yeah, because there's a lot of trips that you're like, man, I mean there's been a lot of trips for myself that I'm like, the flu would be great. I mean, I hope not if you're going to London. I mean, she's going to London. But I'm saying I hope that you're not like, oh, I hope I have this flute, like hopefully you would be excited about London. I was like, I'm oding on zinc right now. So that you take hundred milligrams, I mean, I know, way too much. It's supposed to be like fifty, I think, but I didn't. Yeh, I'm I didn't really take a hunderd. I took fifty. But if you're like that, even that high amount was upsetting my tummy. So like why am I doing this? And I'm like, oh, because I just don't want to miss yeah, and that's the part I like speak, uh, yes, I'm excited and anyway, so this will be so then when we get back, we'll do a recap of London when we're really to build all the details, will I though, We're definitely going to ask and see what happens. Christen's taking that job on, well, I love it. I'm like, tell the people they want to know, Cramer, they don't tune in to hear about your grocery order. Well, I will say something though, And he said, I really listened back to um never really listen to us, because I get well, I did because I had told Brave Heart to listen, I know, and so in my mind, I'm like, should do I want him to listen to the episode or do I not because he doesn't really know my world or what? Oh I love that he doesn't know your work. So I I said, you know, I kind of mentioned you in a way a on the podcast, and he's like, should I listen? And I was just like, yeah, that as this would be a good one for you to But then as I'm listening and then actually give me sixty minutes, I'll get back. So but then I was thinking about it because I was listening back to some of the things I said, like you know, oh, you know, I should just shut up and I shouldn't talk about it, and sometimes where I got into this thing um with actually your husband cat And you know, I can't really tell the basis of what it is because I haven't said you know what it's around, But it's around privacy, right, So I've always said I when everything happened with my ex, that is when I took things public because I wanted to have the this is this is I want. I wanted to tell the story and not have the tabloids tell my story. So from there became very public and open about things. And so now all that's where I'm at. I can't now ask for privacy. I mean I probably could, but I I enjoy sharing and and for me, the part where UM like this when I was listening, Yes, I want to stay private, but at the same time, because of how the divorce and the brokenness and the sadness, I'm like, I want people to know that, like you can be happy too, and I like, I want to share that piece as much as I want. Well, it's like as much as I want to hold onto it, and I will, but at the same time, I'm like you, there is laughter and love and excitement, and yeah, if this doesn't work out, it's still going to be okay. Like I talked to Amy the other day, I said, yeah, it would hurt, but I know I will still be okay, just like but to be able to feel alive again, And that's what I kind of that's what I think is so inspiring about you, though, Like I really mean that, like you just don't give up on love well, and I want people to think about it. Wants to share that with people, and I think that's beautiful and guess what you get to make that decision. And if you want to be private or not be private, you can share information and not share the details. Like that was part of our white board plan last year the Queendom. We were like, share that you want to be in love, share that you might be in love. We just don't need to name or give a social Security number an address, right We just certain details get to be sacred in private. And that's okay because you're actually still a human being. I know that's crazy for a lot of people out there. You're still a person. But what I'm saying is I think it's just what I hope for. And this is is this because you're gonna in London? Is this your way of letting me know generally you're gonna let me down? I see what it is. It took me a minute, a little flow today. No, no, no, no, this is this is what I'm This is what I'm meaning. I didn't believe. I've always believed in fairy tales, right. I want to be able to show the woman that's in her bed from a terrible divorce, thinking she's never going to find anyone. I want to be the person that goes, you will find a great love. And this might not be my great love. I don't know, but like, go explore, feel the feelings and share it because I think for me, share it, not him. That's my white board. Yeah again, different planets right now. I'm not saying I'm going to share him. I'm just I already know the look, I already know what's happening, and I'm not going to But here's the deal. Show share yourself happy as a selfie, and let us imagine who that might be. That's all I'm asking. No, I will not do that fast or just give it a minute. Yeah, because then give it a minute and you can still show the fabulous love story like when the manager enters the chat. No, I would never this soon. I really wouldn't. I swear I wouldn't you to say. Having said that said that, when the time comes, I'm mixed. I'm hopeful for the day to go. This is why, this is, This is why there was all those tears because it wasn't my fairy tale. This is yeah, and I'm excited for them to see that picture of you guys married when that time comes. Yeah, and that's the first look, Christ We're going to guard him hard. Where I'm guarding him hard, I like him. I don't think I really like him. I think we really want to guard the one should no events to the others when you're getting when you're there. You know, when I'm in London, was that a question? I thought we already were okay, Quendom group chap Um. So yeah, is there anything else, any requests that you want me to do while I'm in London? Because this is this is my sound off. Yes, I'm going to chase the butterflies. Chase the butterflies. I just love yea. You know a lot of people really like that. It's crazy. It was a beautiful way that you put all that and so that's my whole thing. Last year was chasing Joy and this year's chasing Butterfly. That's what we're up to. I said that in therapy. Then I started crying the other day because I was like, you told me to chase Joy, not Christal. I have to next year, short Um, I need you to go to a place. There's a place there. I'm going to remember the name. I think it's called sketch okay, and I need you to go there. Sketch It is this a naked It's like an Alice in Wonderland kind of bar. But it's really really super cool. It feels like a different world, Like it is like nothing I've ever seen before. And I feel like we've all traveled a lot and seen a lot of things. I've never seen anything like this and asked to use the bathroom and face time me from the bathroom. The bathroom, I know, and if anybody here has been to this play restaurant slash bar, they're going to know exactly what I'm talking about. It is insane sketch. Nothing I've ever seen in London. Huh the bathroom though, you're going to see the back of restaurants in a bathroom. Oh no, no, no, no, I didn't take press into the bathroom. Man. I know I have a request that might seem like I'm picking on you a little bit. Back to what we were talking about. Back to normal, and that's why I'm here programming, and this is what we were just talking about. Now I'm going here's here's here's what I think. Let's not take photos in the same spot. He's both, he's private and it okay, let's just go for it, and let's just take a photo together. Why I'm back on I'm back on that side. Wait the two of them? Yeah? Why not? I don't know what's going on with Katherine. I need everyone. I just need everyone to Okay, we need to have a room minute. I'm done with the guessing happened with Katherine where I feel like Katherine and I are switching places recently, every time I say something that's unlike me and a little like Katherine. I looked at her it's like, you're gonna have my back, and she's like, Okay, I debate your sides right now. And I'm not saying she has to. I'm not saying she has to post anything of them too. However, the picking part is, I don't love the posting in the same place, and you're posting it like I'm just like, either put it out there or don't, and I'm like, don't. I'm either for both. I'm just here for both. Sacred territory is what we are entering. Have you seen her face? Though I have faith, Katherine, I'm sorry, guard him hard. Reguarding this is all there. Back to guarding. But take all the photos and sent him to us, and I don't know what's happening. Am I going to start getting business either? Now? Am I taking over in a blaze? Bab's hard to me. You want to go to my r meeting after this? My last meet to a jama in San Diego and I'm an hotel room meeting. Chocolate cookies following up on emails? What my panda cookies? Your panda cookie? That was? That's all I have to say. London is going to be beautiful, Becauys, I'm not going to share. London is so special to me. I fantasize about London because it was so butterfly filled for Preston and I and it was such a crazy, wonderful That was my homecoming season. Can I say one fear? Oh yeah, ye that you're going to post because that's my fear. No, no, no, no, I have it so hyped. It's going to be perfect. It's going to live up to the hype and exceeded. I already know you know what I'm talking about. Her expectations of things can be very high, and the problem is when it doesn't live up to that. The title of the book come that's amazing. Expectations too high expect and I had to see you. I yeah, So maybe let's just I don't know what I say about London. The thing that I think I enjoyed the most about it could be anywhere, by the way, you don't have to be like I know it sounds bougie like London, like it could be. You could be like when I go to Oklahoma. This is my expectation. My expectation it was for me to enjoy myself, and I was hoping that some of that would bridge and preston I would enjoy the same things together. Blah blah blah. But the truth of the matter is the reason I fantasize about that place so much is because there was such like a new wonder for me. I had nothing to do with the people I was with. It turned out awesome because I was able to like, we really bonded over experiences and we held hands and we stopped and we stared too long at I mean, I was in heaven. But London is going to wildly expeed your expectations because it's though about London or who you're within London. So that's the thing. So my thing is there's a reason you do lifetime movies continue That's okay, I see it now. It's fine um for me and getting to know someone I've got. I've gotten to know this person over FaceTime, but you have seen him in we have three three days. Everything else has been a month and some just every day facetiming and talking, and we've really gotten to really know each other on a different level. Having said that, sometimes it's when you're with someone that you you you dream up all these things. When you're not with someone that to then spend an extended amount of time, you might the expectations of what you might think it's going to be, and then when you get there you're like, oh, I fantasize this a little bit more, or I maybe thought it would be like this, and really it's like this, and you're going to might be bombed or you know, but I think either way it's still going to be an experience one way or the other. And dated someone this summer, and you traveled a bit. I did, and in those travels I'm being extra careful. I think we all know. If you went to Windown, we get a little use with the names. I was panicked again. Who am I Catherine? And a Blazer? I don't know. But when you traveled, I know, but I was worried about the name slipping. I would never be before before name because she's the one that slips today. When you traveled in that dating, the experience is what you loved about it. I know. I remember I took a picture from sand Fran and I said, that's the one. I exactly one I'm thinking, I said, from from all the things, the travels, meeting this person like it has been finding myself and be having being alone and you were like market bag in your hand, and they really didn't get to see him until after his well, and you can still make this one about you too. Yes, it's about y'all, but it can also be about you. And that's what I'm saying. It will be about you and the added bonus of a really sexy accent and someone knew that you get at a at a minimum, we already know this is a pretty quality human being, and you get to know him a little bit differently, more intimately. Some would say, what if I just did a photo like let's say, let's say like this is this is why I'm playing Devil's and this is Devil's Advocate. What if what if it goes exceedingly well right, and we decide that we're going to be a boyfriend girlfriend. You know that, that's what She's just. I don't care how well Joe, listen, what if we are everything? We end up saying, Okay, we're going to be committed to adjust each other, we're boyfriend girlfriend. This is how I feel. Blah blah blah. What if I what if to seal that deal? Because I just take a picture of us, like holding hands, that's the picture, the hand holding, handholding. I might be okay with us, That's all I will say. Because if we're committed to each other, that doesn't mean we're committed to the public being with each other. No, it's just like I'm happy and this is a photo of two hands until unless he has like a tattoo on his hand and everyone's like somewhere, but devils do love a little. She didn't know. That's why I said, listen, but Devil's advocate. Why because she's in love and she doesn't care for the girl who's sad and knows that like it's going to be okay. What I'm saying, why so soon? Oh? Because I'm really happy. I don't know it happens that way. I know I should and knowing my freaking power, but in the elf me I ever wanted to do it that. I mean like like, that's not this this yer this year, I've not I can't. Can we talk about this comment? Have I ever done that? No? Honest, I'm not trying to, you know, I mean in Instagram, I didn't. There's the minus that one person. There was nobody else that I've brought into my Instagram or yea, you haven't none, we just take pictures in the same place. It's not And it was funny because I said, I just don't think anybody would ever even find everything. That's why I'm like, either control it or so let me ask you this. And I don't think i've asked this. Actually, such a fun girls talk right now, And I know this is like legitimate. We haven't discussed, like do we do this? Is he so fair to say that you could be in the US and people would recognize you. I've seen it happen at airports whatever. Well, someone recognizes me on my our first date. It was so embarrassing. Okay, so my question no, no, no, the first date with Brave Heart. Yeah, someone came up the like I mean, the moment I met him. We then sat down and someone's like, oh my god, are you Janna Cramer? And I was like, oh, so is he that over there? Is my question? Um, because he's a little he's a little bit of a big deal. So I'm wondering, is this yeah in places mm hmmm mm hmm exactly. I rest my case. Yeah, You're right, doesn't really matter. They still figure it out. They always figure it was private though he's now a private on Instagram, but how many followers already. I'm sure they'll still figure it out from the freaking hand. You're right, he's going to start getting a million requests. There is no like like like therapistaid, there's no rush. I just think, for the first time in a very long time, I'm actually genuinely happy. And it's like I'm like, I do I want to buddy the elf share but it's so But then I'm like when if it doesn't work out, but I'm gonna be hard, But this is where I go It's okay because I know I'm gonna be okay regardless if I end up with this human or whoever else. I just think this one seems so great that there's no rush. That's what I feel in my heart. I feel like you're going to be gushing about this and posting about this, and it's going to be supposed to picture of yourself and say, guys really happy and all of us will heard it. I like that, okay, and then we'll see. Then we'll see day by day. Are you on your own episode of Love Without Borders? First of all, she hasn't stopped smiling. I know. A second, Well, it's interesting because we have a guest on who is Love Without Borders? And I can't wait to talk to her because there's an interesting tidbit about Brave Heart that I want to that I definitely will share when she gets on. I can't wait. So let's take a break then get her on. Hi, Erica, Hello, let's do this. We are so excited to have you on the podcast. Love Without Borders is on Bravo and an elevator pitch of like who you are and what you've been doing, um and specializing in So I've been a dating relationship expert for fourteen years now and uh so the show came and basically the concept of this show is we're taking five American singles and I match them with someone but in a different country, and so they essentially don't know where they're going until they get to the airport, and then I say, this is the country that you're going to, and not only that, but you have to move in with this blind date for the next three months. Three months, yes, three months? Okay, can what are some of the country So the countries are We've already revealed all of them, and they are Dubai, Panama, uh, Paris, France, which I live in France, So France, very excited about that, um and then Ireland and did I say Ghana? Africa? Ghana? Wow? I know. So you so you personally hand picked which person to go be with the person for three months, So me and my team did so. I primarily specialize in dating a relationship advice, and then I have a team of matchmakers that I work with, and so it was just kind of narrowing it down to like what people say they want and what they actually need and so making matches accordingly. Okay, So I'm going to give a little fun, fun fact where I'm kind of out in my dating life right now. So I have been I was on Riyah for you know, since my divorce, and I primarily percent of the people first of all that I even would would you know, I would see were Paris Um Dubai Istanbul Like I mean, I'm like, I've got two kids, I live in Nashville. Like I'm swiping like left x x x x because I'm like, what's the point right. So then a few months ago, so one had reached out to me and I ignored it because I'm like, he lives in London, so why would I Again, my family's here in Nashville. I'm not moving to London, so what's the point of me entertaining this? Well cut to I'm like, you know, maybe I'll just see I mean, who knows. I mean, I'm limiting myself just the United States. You know. It's like I am like why not, Like who, who knows? Maybe my soul mate or my person is overseas is across the waters, right across the ocean. So cut to I'm now flying to London to see this person. Um, and I'm curious, like what your advice for someone who's who I could potentially be walking into a long distance relationship because in my mind, I'm like, how would this even work? Erica was like, first sign a waiver, I'm sending a camera crew. Is there like any flexibility in his work where he could move to the U S? Yes? So, UM, my advice to you is this, Like, here's the thing about how long have you guys been seeing each other? Well, we've been talking for the past month FaceTime, I mean and texting every day, facetiming twice a day, three four times today. Um, I mean in very long conversations. And we saw each other for a few days when he flew here to say hello, and then now I'm going to see him for an extended period of time. Okay, So here's the thing about this, And I don't want to be such a debbut down Erica's and turned the check. Here's the thing you can you know when someone is just far away and your face timing and this and that I watched, I've listened, I've read into your story a little bit. I know a bit of your background, and I've heard some of your relationships, and so to protect your heart, Um, all of it is very exciting, and that's great, and we want our hearts to have hope and to be excited about love. But I would invite you to also bring in your reasoning and rationale to this as well, because what happens is when someone is just far away, we cultivate somewhat of a pseudo intimacy, meaning it's very easy to connect with someone on FaceTime, but when life comes together, it's a different matter. And so it's like, you obviously want to give your heart the capacity to be able to dream and to feel and to be excited, but also just based off of your history and what you've gone through, like, no love bombing for you. Your heart's been through enough. You know, it's been through enough, So no love bombing. It feels good and it's exciting, you know, put your toes in the water. But in this is suation, I would not encourage you to die ball in. Well, that is what we talked about a girl's night the other night, and the last twenty minutes we were essentially planning in our brides adress. It's fine all over that little you know. That's really valuable information though, because I I'm actually married to a country artist, and a pseudo reality can even be in my marriage sometimes because over two hundred days a year he's not with me and so our life has lived on face time and you know, calls and texts or whatever. But even when you said that, I was like, wow, that's just really true because we sometimes even have a disconnect when he comes off the road. Yeah yeah, yeah, and I haven't felt him, you haven't touched him, and it's like that connection has been broken, and it's like, Okay, we gotta roll up our sleeves, we gotta build up the connection again. I need touch, I need you know. And it's like it's rebuilding. You're in a constant rebuilding. And the lucky thing for you guys as you guys have a foundation, but you're you're this is all very new and so I really I don't want to be that debut down. But here's the no. I'll just ericum, I'll just say this too. I walked into my therapist the other day and I go, Okay, I'm gonna tell you all this. And then what I came into this session with I need you to put my feet back on the ground. That was my thing that I knew that I walked into. I was like, I am, I haven't felt this way before, and I'm just like I've got all these feels I was like, I need you to place my feet back on ground because I know, like I know like of my past and my history and and you know, the sadness and all those things like I and I realized. But then the other piece of me is like I'm such a hopeless romantic that I'm like, maybe maybe I did find my one and this is how it was because I haven't felt ever like this, So I'm like, maybe this is what they say it's supposed to feel like because because I haven't felt this, so and I'm like, it's like it I'm being torn between Janna you know what usually ends up happening, and also allowing myself to feel. It's a dance. It's a dance for all of us, any of us who have been through trauma or a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. It's always that dance of of checking in with our hearts and going like is this safe for me? Like? Does my heart feel safe? I feel steamed? Why are my boundaries being honored? Here? Am I honoring my boundaries? And so for you, I think just some really solid advice is to write down, like what are my boundaries? Like where have I violated my boundaries in the past, and it's gotten me into ship ton of trouble. How can I not repeat it? And why I say write that down because you're gonna hold that close to you so that when the feelings come, you can look at that piece of paper and that's your accountability partner and going Okay, I can't go back here. I can't repeat this, I can't repeat that. It's like, okay, So boundary for you is you know, love bombing, Like no, you are familiar with love on right where it's just like all of me, So okay, love on me. Okay. It may feel good. I may want to say I love you and all of those things, but that's not safe for my heart right now, like that that hasn't worked out for me, And so I have a responsibility to teach my little girl inside. I'm going to create safe places for her to connect in. And if that means no more rushing in, like that's on you, that's you breaking your boundaries. And it's like no, no, no, we're not breaking boundaries anymore. We're honoring that little girl. We're creating a safe place for her to be loved. No more experimenting, no more testing, no we are creating safe places for her to receive love. Yeah. I love that. And I think another thing too that my therapist Amy said was she goes, um, don't compromise on things. She's like, sometimes you wanna make it work, and so you compromise things that are really important to you. And I'm like, no, Like I'm I am very clear of things that I want that I will not handle anymore. And and regardless of how I feel butterflies, whatever, I know now I'm in the place to go, Okay, this isn't, this isn't this doesn't feel good, this doesn't feel safe. This just happened. I don't like this, and I know because I know at the end of the day, I'm never gonna be I'm not going to end up alone. I'm okay regardless, I don't need him. It feels great, but um, yeah, like, I'm not going to compromise. I would encourage you, and I hate to put people in boxes. But she's like, here's a real pretty pink one. The challenge I find and I might get some heat for saying this, but like I find with British people, I mean, I don't, I haven't. I watched the Megan Markle thing yet on her Prince Harry. But the thing with I have encountered with British people, uh, is that you know, they don't have a lot of like emotional capacity to do like intimacy in terms of connecting and stuff. There's a lot of conditioning behind their their society that doesn't really allow them to emotionally show up and to be consistent and the tension of showing up vulnerably in our relationships. What about Scottish Uh, I think that whole culture, you know, like it's a whole British culture. Like even Irish guys like they have to drink a lot to be able to like say what's going on in their hearts. And it's like come on, guys, But you know, I think times are changing. We're all work. I'm just saying, be mindful. Well that's also I mean, that's real though, because there is cultural norms and every I mean, it's just that's just a real thing. Okay. I have a question about the three months, Yes, okay, So is it three months because that's like as long as someone can stay before they get kicked out? Or is it three months because you feel like that's when the honeymoon phase starts to kind of go away. Is that when we're getting the best team V Is that when we're getting like I mean and and Erica. Before you answer that one, you're telling me not to this, but yet you're making someone live with someone. I'm not going to live with him for three be accelerator, like this is how you would know whether or not this works or not. You know, it's I get in there, dive in, find out like everything immediately, so that three months. The reality is like you cannot as Americans, we can't stay past ninety days, Like I had to get a long stay visa to live in France, so it's it's kind of strict um. But the reality is in those three months, especially when you're living with someone, like, you're gonna see all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent. You're gonna see all of it and you can make a solid decision out of that. What do you think of the biggest red flag you've seen for when you first start dating? I one what I said earlier about the love bombing when people start giving you accolades and you had another expert on I can't remember his name, he was like on The Bachelor or something. Zach Clark. No, not Zach Clark, Nick Nick Okay, he touched on this, and I agree with him. Like you know when someone when you meet someone and they start saying like like you're just you know, you're you're so amazing and like the way that you see life, and it's like, hold on, I'm a stubby right there. You don't have enough history to know my character. You don't know my you haven't seen you know, the congruity. So when that starts coming off very thick and very fast, I'm like, okay, it's very Here's the thing. As human beings, we all have a need to be seen, to be celebrated, like that's okay, that's beautiful. But when someone's just diving in with that and they have no like real experience with you to validate all those things, it's like you're jumping ahead of the gun here, Like slow your role. But what if I just had to cancel my order for matching? But what okay, when you finally feel like Joe, really, can I hop on and cancel that? If? Okay, I will say this. I dated someone earlier this year and I had this dating coach basically tell me you shouldn't have butterflies when you first meet them. That's not real. Um, you have to take it really slow. And so I followed these steps so precisely. M M. And I don't like that. Well here's the thing Erica probably does. But I'm like, but it was just like I didn't love BOM. I didn't. I didn't do these things, and for me, it was like I never had that. I mean, I wasn't really I think I'm not saying taking as slow as it was killed it, but it was just I think you're missing that. I think that that was so good for you because then it gave you time to see that it wasn't right for me personally, I have to have that butterfly feeling when I meet someone. I really feel like I do, because I didn't have that at first, and there was so there was no spark. There was no one. I know, spark comes with time and intimacy and all those things, but I hear what you're saying, kind I do. I just I'm like, I personally feel like my person is going to be someone when I have that that immense energy and connection and spark with I don't know. It's my marriage eight years ago was the love bombing and the spark. We really went all in. I mean when when you're saying all this, I was like that was us. Like he's like, I see your soul. Two kids later, Erica um and eight years of marriage later, so like can it's so so so can we talk about both sides of that, like side actually it really truly being like the whole my god, I've never felt like blah blah, and then the other side going I need that piece to really to know that it's like my one right. So here's the thing. We all have different stories, and I imagine that your story is very different from Janna's story. So Janna is on the journey of rebuilding trust in herself because reality is, we go through a lot of heartbreaks, we go a lot of stepbacks, go through a lot of stepbacks. Essentially we stopped trusting ourselves. So if you could look at your journey of dating and relationships of like I'm learning to retrust me this that these people who are showing up in my dating world, like they are all coming to support me so that I get to reclaim all the parts of me and start trusting myself again, So in your specific in your specific situation, I would say, I love that the you know that he was full on with you and he shared his heart with you and all those things, and I think that that's great. But I think that for you, Jane, I think that you guys have very different stories and so that that's not gonna be the best course of action for you. M hm. And she have a little butterfly. Yeah, So of course, like, listen, you want to be excited about someone, I'm not I'm not saying that. Like there there are one book that I would highly recommend to you is called Betrayal Bonding. It it's amazing. Yeah, I read, It's fantastic. It huge, and so it's like it's a great book if you want to read. It's so good, Yeah, because it talks about like essentially, it's like sometimes when we get tons of butterflies, it's like trauma bonding more than it is an actual bond with the person. So it's like, yeah, you want to be excited, like if there's just nothing there with the person, what inspires you to keep pursuing them? But that can't be everything. It's like you don't turn off your head in the midst of these feelings. It's just like you know, for you, your therapist said, you know, no more compromising, not going back and trying to like make a square peg and or you know, was it square peg, round hole like the like that's not going to work for you. But yes, of course you're gonna want to feel good with the other person, but it cannot be the end all be all. That cannot be with driving the relationship. But also can't you feel that but also go slow? Yeah, I think so what Amy said to my therapist, she's like, there's no rush in anything and and and I think for me, it's like again because I haven't felt this certain piece that I'm like, oh, it feels great, and I just want to relish in it whether it works or it doesn't, because it feels good and it feels I feel hopeful for a future either with or without, just knowing that like I didn't think I could feel this feeling. That's the piece that I'm like, it just gives me like joy and like hope to know my heart isn't just this jaded wall. Yeah, and I think this is more so let's not transfer that all over to this person's let's honor you and that and say like, hey, I've been through a lot of ships, but I'm working with a therapist, hiring a day to coach, you know, red, I'm reading the books, I'm doing the work, you know, and my heart has the capacity to feel this. Wow, what a champion I am that I didn't let these past situations completely tear me apart, but that there's a champion. There's this warrior heart that I have that can still allow love to come in. Yeay to me. Yeah, I love that. See that feels empowering, feels true. Yeah, I like that. I think it's fascinating that your heart is still tender despite all that it's been through. Because I have to be honest with you. When I'm working with people, the people who start shut they shut down, they become victims everyone. There's like this sense of entitlement, like all of those things, pride, all those things. I'm like, oh, honey, like you don't need a relationship. You need to just decide whether or not you're gonna be a victim and blame the world or take some personal responsibility for you. The fact that you've been able to keep your heart soft despite everything that you've been through. Wow, look at you. See we talked about this last week. I said, it's inspired into me that you have a heart that's brave enough to go love again. Yeah, and what beautiful, what a champion you are, And like, I just really want to honor you because I was researching you online and I was like, damn, she is being so honest with her story and so brave to share the things that she shares, and like, you have no idea how you're like paving the path for so many other women who have unspoken stories that you've been so brave to share. But what's beautiful about you is that you've kept your heart tender and you've kept your heart open in the process. That's the ultimate role model because I see so much where people have gone through stuff and it's just like I'm the victim and now I'm going to take down everyone who has these kind of red flags. I've never and it's like that's that's not that's giving them all the power. But you to go through what you've been through and to remain so tender is Wow. You're showing people how to do life through the heart and that's powerful. That life through the heart, Eric, are you allowed to tell us has anybody stayed together past the three months? Oh? Christ here, Crystal, everything the chats lighting up. I shouldn't have asked you that. I just want to know. Yeah, I wish I could tell that's okay. I didn't want I just I don't even need locations. If anybody has made it, it's it's juicy, like everyone's been saying like, oh, everyone's just playing nice right now, and everything's like, I think this is going to start hitting the fan. I really do. I know what I'm gonna be watching. I'm just going to download all that stuff that are out so far. Yeah, I think it's going to get intense, but we'll see, we'll see. Erica, thank you so much for coming on and just share ar your wisdom and your words and you're beautiful and just thank you. And I'm excited to now binge the episodes that are already out and continue to watch. So thank you so much. Filming her own episode of love with that border, let's guess I would. I really want to know how it goes, Okay, Yeah, I will. I will d M you because I just I love you and your soul. So thank you don't listen to the beginning of this podcast. When you listen, we didn't say anything opposite of what you said. That's why I think it's holding space for both. But then coming back to your feet and I think it's again it's okay to feel and then just and they got to hold some things in and take me. I did back on the ground. I had the Saturay night Life moment though, where she was like, you don't say I love you, and you guys land and You're like, I love you. That's happening, beauty is Janet. You can say you can you can use your voice in the whole process. Hey, I want to say I love you right now, but that's not safe for me. So I feel it like be honest, like talk for your heart, but still talk through your boundaries. It's like, hey, I want to do this, but it's probably not the best idea, right keep him in the loop, like this is where I am, this is what's going on. I want to say these things, but I have a history and that's probably not the safest thing to do for me right now. That's really good advice no matter where you are. Yeah, that's great, good, amazing, Well thank you. I'll be damning you. Okay, bye, I'll sender the photo. Should I post this one or Erica when you go back and listen to the first episode. I'm asking no. I think it's fun. The whole thing is fun. So I wish there was a camera for girls Night. That's all. I need a camera for every read second in London. Oh my goodness, it's just me. Well, guys, I gotta go pack all right London or bust or breast I did London or breast already. Um so I will see you guys. We will recap when I get back. And um, don't get married without us. We deserve more. Don't worry, I want Okay. Bye,