This week, Kelly and Chip dive deep into the journey of accepting your authentic self—flaws and all. They explore how real self-love starts with embracing who you are, not the version shaped by social media or societal pressures. Building on Wednesday’s discussion with Jodi White about codependency and social media addiction, they highlight how our online lives can sometimes reflect a broken relationship with ourselves. Plus, they reference the new documentary Harper and Will, which sheds light on the power of authenticity. Tune in for an honest conversation about owning your story, imperfections and all. To listen, just search Velvet’s Edge wherever you listen to podcasts.
Article that was referenced: How to Find Your True Identity
HOSTS:
Kelly Henderson // @velvetsedge // velvetsedge.com
Chip Dorsch // @chipdorsch
Schipper, I are you doing this week?
I'm well, I'm reporting live from New York City, from New York City, from New York City, so I have hipped doors. It's Chip Doors. I apologize in advance if there's any background noise to the listeners and to you. I love to play. I know I've got a microphone in hand. I'm like, I could give two ships if anybody's staring at me right now the conversation that we're about to have, which is amazing.
Do be careful though, I don't know if the listeners are hearing what I'm hearing. But Chip is literally laid back in the corner of this couch and he is mic resting on his chest, so it's a little muffily for us when you move around. Okay, you look very comfortable though.
I am very comfortable. So I'm at the Soto Grand Hotel, like in the lobby restaurant bar, and whenever someone walks into the lobby or this restaurant, they're looking right at me, like chilled out like this. It's amazing.
I mean, you were literally cool, calm, collected, but just really living.
Life over here.
One of the new things Chip and I have been talking about obviously, you guys know I do a Wednesday episode it's called the Velvet, and then when we do our Friday episodes, it's called the Edge. And we've gone through different processes of connecting those two them being individuals. I think last year, last season, whatever you want to call it, we had themes every month a membership and so every podcast is kind of the theme. But you and I really have wanted to feel a little more connected, like with the Wednesday and the Friday podcast.
And so we were.
Talking about the topic that I talked about on Wednesday. And if you guys haven't listened, it's with Jodi White. She's a psychotherapist and podcaster who specializes in codependency, love addiction, toxic relationships. She's been on the podcast multiple times, but I brought her back on this Wednesday to really talk about our relationship as a society with social media and toxic well yeah, but just also how when we really start to break down, like the model of dependency and the model of what love addiction is. And for those who don't know, love addiction is a hard term that I don't really love using because really what it is is just that anxiousness, that anxious attachment where you may overperform in a relationship, become codependent or dependent on someone because to you, if that relationship ends, it feels like you might die.
You know.
It's just that over extension of self and loss of relationship with yourself. And so we kind of talked through that dynamic a couple times on the podcast regarding relationships, and when I was thinking about social media and our relationship to social media, I was like, Uh, it's the fuckingsae, Like, we literally can go through that model in all the bullet points, which Jody and I did, and I could put a checkbox with those behaviors in the same context of like social media versus the way that maybe it would be in a toxic relationship one hundred percent.
I'm sitting here thinking like how many times I've had my feelings hurt when I see someone's in Nashville in it and call me, Or how many times were my feelings hurt when like friends did something together that I wasn't invited to. How many times have I made up a story about like someone I'm dating because I see some of they post on social media that makes me think that they're lying to me about something or hiding something like I'll say it like I have a toxic relationship with social media and I'm addicted to it.
That is what we talked about a lot is just basically kind of even the chemical parts of that and just the way that they do really focus on making us addicted.
That is the goal.
Mean the dopamine connection, we really broke down what that means, though I didn't understand fully what that was. I thought it was just you seeking that certain chemical. But the way dopamine works is, according to Jody, was that basically it's like we get rewarded for a behavior once. Let's say, like, for instance, they use it a lot with alcohol, like when you get drunk for your first time, usually it's really fun, right, and so you constantly are chasing that one time that you had so much fun. But it's not always that fun. And when it becomes a problem in people's lives is when they're still chasing that one time. It was fun at the beginning and it's not fun anymore, but they keep doing it anyway. And that's kind of the situation we talked about with social media because it's like, I'm not sure it's that positive in my life all the time. Yet it's something that I do unconsciously and so really paying attention to the whys of why we're doing it, which again brings me back to my relationship with myself. And so you know, when COVID happened, I think a lot of us had a life changing moment where life was different, social media became different, and really asking yourself the question of, like, without that validation from all the likes or everything, like building the following and all that, who are you? And it goes into basically what we want to talk about today, which is how important it is to really understand your own So do you want to take it over from here? Of how you and I transitioned into that's a funny chart.
Apropos. So it was topic well, you know, like Kelly said, we you know, we're always looking for a way to sort of make this thing better and feel more connected and interesting to the listener. And you know, we've done it right, sometimes we've done it wrong. Sometimes we're learning, you know. And so our approach right now that we're trying is to have the conversation on Friday just be an edgier version or related to what she talked about with her guest on wedn on Wednesday, So when she was telling me what she was doing on Wednesday, I haven't had a chance to listen to it yet because today's Thursday that we're recording. But it made me think of this film that I've been wanting to watch called Will and Harper. It's on Netflix, and it's a documentary that was directed by my favorite director, Josh Greenbaum, who did Barbon Stargutavis mel marv. Oh.
I didn't realize that, yeah, same director.
Wow, Okay, And it follows Will Eryl and his best friend of thirty years who has transitioned to a female and none of Harper. I'm gonna call her her. I don't even remember Harper's dead name at this point because it's been Harper. And so Harper sends an email out to her friends. She was the head writer SNL when Will Forte and Kristen wigg and Tina Fey and all these people are like, in my opinion, some of the best era of SML were the stars and just sends out this email being like, Hey, this is what's going on in my life. I hope that we can still be friends. And just waited, and Will responded really quickly and said, I don't really know how to respond right now, but I want you to know that I got this and that I love you, and then proposed the idea, why don't we do a cross country road trip because Harper loved to drive across country by herself before she transitioned, and just get to know each other again. And we're not going to take this podcast in a political direction, because yes, the film is to open our eyes to trans writes, but I think at its core, it's less about transitioning, and it's more about finding yourself, and in finding yourself, it's also finding where you sit with the people that you love and the people that you care about. To me, watching this film, it was so much less about Harper than I expected to be, and so much more about Will feral sense. And I mean, I'm sitting here in the Grand Lobby bar balling my eyes out because it is so moving and I identify as other, you know, like I grew up feeling other. I always felt loved, I always felt like I was a popular kid in school, but I felt other. So I could really relate to this story. And I don't think that necessarily, you don't have to be homosexual, lesbian, trans you don't have to be any of those things. You have to be human to feel other because we are taught to be scared of differences in our world, whether it's race or religions, money.
For me, money, simple stuff like.
That, the side of the tracks you live on, you know, anything where you went to college. We're always meant to feel other because we are, like, we're tribal people. We want to be part of a tribe. So as much as we are made to feel other, we are also we have this craving to fit in. I mean that right there is the human existence in a nutshell, and I think we spent our whole lives trying to get to the core of who we are. And that's really what's at the center of this film. And it's like so moving and touching, and yeah, I wanted to just talk about that today. Is like, what is the best way to sort of zero in on your identity and love yourself le you truly fall in love with yourself?
Yeah, I mean I really thought your pitch about that part of the movie in general, I was like, Oh, that's such a topical thing because obviously that's what I talked about a little bit on Wednesday. But as I was watching the movie, the first thing that that Harper says is the biggest thing that she was fearful about coming out in general, was that people won't love her. And to me, it's just like what you're saying, I'm like, you don't have to be in a place where you're transitioning gender wise, or you're homosexual or anything like that to feel that thing. Like, I think that there's so much that drives us in this world to just want to fit in so that we have this false sense of security that we are loved.
And it really.
Ties into the social media piece in such a big way because we paid these pictures of our lives that make it look a certain way to then be accepted by people or to be looked at as like she has it all together. But isn't that ultimately just our need to feel connected, validated and.
Loved under perces. I do think after I watched this film and I was sort of reflecting on my own journey on social media, it's like, and you know, if you look at my social media, it is far from perfect. Like I'm also terrible about posting. But I understand the idea of like wanting to present perfection on social media because I can I consume that all day. I was like wow, in presenting perfection, it's such a loss of self because you're denying so many truths about what your true existence is. You know, you're you're putting all of these things out that you want people to think is your existence, and you're making them public.
You're almost what You're exposing certain parts and under exposing others.
Right, and so you are reiterating it to yourself that you are unworthy because it takes zero bravery to put something up that that is tricking people. It takes a lot of bravery to tell the truth, especially when the truth doesn't feel safe in the moment. But I think in order to really get to know yourself and to let those who love you and care about you know, they have to know the truth about you.
Yeah, it was interesting because another thing in the film, and we're gonna try not to give it all the way. I do highly recommend going to watch this regardless of your feelings about transgender situations, Like it really isn't about that, like you said, Chip, Like it's two friends, learning how to navigate life changes, which even regardless of how things happen, like people go through divorces, we all age and things change, you evolve, like it can be put into different circumstances, like especially if that's not something you agree with or whatever. Like it's just a great film, but I thought it was interesting. In the film, they talk a little bit. Harper talks about going to therapy and when she was going to therapy as Andrew, she was basically going to be like fix me, like why do I feel this way? When she realized that not every man felt that way, Like she said she'd spent most of her life feeling like, oh, all men feel this way, and then she realized she didn't, And so she goes to therapy and she's like, okay, like how do I not be this way? And I thought about that, and I was like, isn't that an interesting perspective because I think a lot of us do that.
Right.
You go to therapy thinking something in you is broken, and oftentimes there are pieces that are like suffering or we're struggling. But really, like what therapy, if you have a really good therapist, does is it really reconnects you to your own authenticity and who you really are, right, helps you get an acceptance with that regardless of what your life is, what your people around you say. Like setting boundaries, for instance, that is a step of learning to accept your own needs and setting them regardless of how someone else reacts, like standing up for yourself stating your needs and asking for those to be met, or setting boundaries around things that you don't want to happen or whatever. And a lot of times people don't react positively to that. But what therapy can help us do is like get in enough acceptance with our own selves to be able to do things like that. And so, like something you said made me think, yeah, like we're constantly telling ourselves these messages of like either I'm not enough or these pieces of me need to be hidden in the dark and like put away and stuffed down and all of that stuff, And in reality, if we can learn to like incorporate them all or I don't remember the word, but where you're just really intertwining every single piece of you together and accepting all of it.
Like some days I am a.
Super spiritual person and super giving and kind and loving, and some days like I'm fucking grouchy and angry and I want to catch about shit. And it's like all of those are pieces of me, and neither one of them canceled the other one out.
Well, yeah, and none of them are the whole you.
You know, we're all complex.
We're incredibly complex. And obviously this film is about someone transitioning their gender, but as humans, we live in a constant state of transition. We change, it's a different word for change, and you know, we should be changing and growing and developing every day. It's what makes that's what's beautiful about life, Like life would be so fucking boring if we didn't. But you know, I also think it's really scary. Like you said something earlier about how Harper said one of her greatest feels is that people wouldn't love her, you know, Like I think about some of the risks that I've taken in my life that you know, aren't nearly as brave as what Harper did, like just moving. You know, when I decided to leave Los Angeles and come to Nashville, like that was scary for me, But I also was really worried that my friends in Los Angeles were going to be mad at me for leaving them and that those friendships would dissolve just from distance in life and all the things. And the truth is is when I see those friends, it's like zero time has passed. I have to water those relationships, you know, it's not you know, I have to put into them. But at the same time, like I think the sorrow from change comes more not from someone being sad about what you decided to do, but more that they realized that you weren't happy doing the things that you were doing and that you needed this change in order to seek your own happiness. And that was something that like even Will noticed in this film. He was just like, I'm not sad that you're a woman now, I'm sad that you didn't get to be a woman for the thirty years that we've known each other, that you were carrying around this secret and our friendship wasn't whole because of that. I think we have to give space for people to, you know, sort of walk in our sorrow with us. And that's a really hard thing to do because we want to present us perfect.
Right and it's like uncomfortable to have to sit in the hard emotions too. Like I mean, you're a seven on the enneagram you know better than anybody. You're like, let's get through this, let's only focus on the popet please. Very fun, Yes, And I think for all of us it's a little bit difficult to just embrace a moment of sadness of change. And like with changell often there is grief that comes with it. It doesn't necessarily mean it's like a bad thing or anything like that. It's just like, oh, these are changes, and like love the comparison are the example of your friends back in LA because that is adult life, right. We all grow and we change, and people get married and people have kids, and so if you can grow with people, your relationship can blossom and you can like start getting to know a new version of them as they get to know a new version of them themselves.
Right.
But I think we have to allow for that, and it is uncomfortable, and I don't think.
That we really talk about that very often, not.
To keep bringing it back to the film, but it's so fresh and there's so many just great examples. Okay, so it's a cross country trip they go to. They're in like plum Tucky, Oklahoma, and Harper says, hey, when I used to drive across country by myself. I used to go into you know, these dive bars by myself often have a great time, and but this is very different. It's kind of scary for me now. But I feel like I need to just like rip off the band aid and go. And Will was like, okay, let's go, and she's like, no, I want you to wait outside because I need to go in by myself without the security blanket. She's like, I want you on speed dial in case something goes self, because she's like, I'm going to have to experience this by myself at some point. Anyway, some as well just do it that well, and people.
Would automatically be nice to her if Will Ferrell standing next to her one hundred per suit do that. And she was like, I'm going to be doing this by myself. I need to start, you know, dipping my toe in now, right.
So she goes in and then you know, you see signs of like, you know, fuck Joe Biden signs, and there's like Confederate flags, like it is not what feels like a safe place for a trans woman. And when I tell you she looks like a trans woman, you know, like she she has there's been no surgeries that aside from breast augmentation. And it's awkward for a while, and you know, I put myself in her shoes, and even when I'm like, go to dinner with a friend and I'm the first one there, it's awkward to be in a restaurant by yourself. You know, you're alone, you feel like eyes are on you. And then ultimately she just introduces herself to some woman and they strike up a friendship, and that woman introduces herself to other people and the tensions ease and it's just like, oh wow, we're just humans connecting. And then she calls in Will and then you know everything is fine. But there was this moment afterwards where they're leaving and Will says, are you happy? And Harper says, yes, I'm very happy, and then she says, I'm a little bit in shock that it's and it's not on them, that's on me. I'm not really afraid of these people. I'm afraid of hating myself. And I'm like, I'm like, you're a freak. What are you doing here? That is sitting underneath it all? And I just burst into his ears because you know, obviously her situation is different than mine, but haven't don't you remember that feeling like we all have felt other and that just the power of going in and learning to love who you are and embracing your identity at its core is so incredibly moving and important, and that moment just like was it for me? Yeah?
Well, I mean, I'm love that you brought that up because I also wrote that moment down. I thought it was the point she said about it's really about hating myself, Like that piece. It kind of brings me back to what we were saying at the beginning of this podcast, like, doesn't really matter what you think about transgender things, because this movie, to me, wasn't about that because I think as humans, and we talked a little bit about this last week, like the connected piece. We're all so connected and so even though the actual things happening in our life are different, oftentimes once you start talking about them out loud or you're telling your story to someone, they can relate to it because it resonates with some other piece of their story. Like r I obviously am not a transgendered person, and so I don't know what that erience is like.
But when I heard that moment.
What I thought for myself was that is how I used to talk to myself about being a single woman in my late thirties and early forties. Yeah, that's programming, right, That's like a thing that is beaten into women from day one of our life is you are only successful if you get especially in the South, by being in a relationship. And then also the children piece. And I haven't had success in that department with kids, and physically that might not be you know, something I can do. That came with a lot of shame and grief. But then also like the relationship piece, and it's so to the point of what we're saying, like the only piece that I've ever been able to find about that, Like I used to seek external narratives, like I used to seek either being mad at the system and you know, kind of being like I'm going to be a boss bitch and I don't need a man, and you know, being mad at men almost became the way that I coped with it. Or the other thing I used to do is like stay in a toxic relationship too long so that on the outside it looked like.
I was doing it right.
You know what I mean.
All of it involves abandoning myself and not being okay with myself. And so the only thing that's actually brought me peace is accepting that that narrative and that timeline and all that stuff like that was something that was made up first of all, is what I think, but also like it's not really true. I'm not not successful in my life or a fucked up human because I have not gotten married, Like my journey has looked different. And I'm very proud of some of the choices that I've made in relationship to not be in that situation because it wouldn't have been a healthy choice for.
Me, right, I mean, you could be buried, you can help, but it would not have been good. Ye.
And so I have really found peace in accepting those pieces of myself and going, oh wait, the fact that I was brave enough to walk away from certain situations is something I should feel proud of, not ashamed of, Like really looking at myself through a different lens, And it kind of goes back to what we're saying of like all those pieces that I used to look at as broken and I hated about myself are actually really beautiful things when I could really look at what they were but we're so full of shame and we're so used to like wanting our life to look the same as other people so that we don't have the chance of being abandoned and not being loved.
Right, I want to go back to just like finding your identity real quick, because it sounds like something that is really easy to do or really hard to do. But I think it's a really great thing because a it's a lifelong sort of thing, you know, because we all we evolve, our interest change or whatever. I did some reading and it was like one of the things that popped out was like our identity blooms like a flower. You have to have patience, you have to have a prickly defense, you have to have fortitude, and you have to like give it time and attention. So I want to just walk through, like there's seven steps that I've found that you can take to sort of explore and discover your true identity. So I just want to read through these. One is self reflection. Take the time to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, belief and values. Ask yourself meaning questions, meaningful questions about who you are, what matters to you, and what brings you joy and fulfillment, consider your strengths, passions, and aspirations. So, you know, I love that that's the first one because it's a conversation with yourself totally. Your identity is not based on anything but what's on the inside of you, and so in order for you to get in touch with that, you really have to sit with yourself and have those conversations. Explore your interest, Engage in activities, hobbies, and experiences that resonate with you. Try new things to help you uncover hidden passions and talents and that give you a sense of what truly resonates with your authentic self. Again, you know, you have to put yourself out there. You have to try things. We're not going to be everything, you know, we're probably not going to be good at most things, right, But when you do find something that connects, go for it. You know, don't be ashamed of it, because at the end of the day, you're watering your own flower. Embrace your uniqueness. Recognize that your true identity is unique and individual. Embrace your quirks, your strengths, your weaknesses. Appreciate the qualities that make you who you are.
I love that one. That's been one I've really tried to lean into last year. It's harder than you would think, but accepting our differences and like just looking at the things just like what I was just saying, like I'm a highly sensitive person or something like, not looking at that as a weakness and really finding the benefits of like how does that help me?
Oh?
That helps me a lot?
In friendship, that helps me a lot, And like there's all these different skill sets that we all have, and if we don't, if we aren't being our unique selves, we're really like holding back the offerings to the world.
Yeah, you're robbing us of your sensitivity exactly. I mean, the world would be really boring if everyone was sensitive, you know what I mean. But it would also be really boring if everyone was just like a hyph no one and no one was sensitive. Yeah, it's funny. I was at dinner last night with some friends and my friend Tracy was telling me that a woman that she works with has a six or seven year old daughter who has just gotten into the phase where like some bulleting is starting and people are calling her weird and a nerd, and she's like, Tracy has a thirteen year old son who's really quirky, and she's like, I mean, how do you navigate things like this? And she's like, you have to flip it on them. You have to let her know that being a nerd and being quirky is awesome. Yeah, and give her the power to embrace that. And she's like, oh okay, because she's like normal is the word normal is so fucking boring and yet we all try to fit into what is normal. Yeah. So she's like, make her believe that normal is boring so that she can embrace her uniqueness. Okay. So Number four is seek self awareness. Cultivate self awareness by paying attention to your thoughts, emotions, and reactions in different situations. This can help you better understand yourself and your true desires. Number five to seek new perspectives. Engage in conversations with the diverse individuals, read books, listen to podcasts, or ten workshops to explore different perspectives and ideas. This can broaden your understanding of the world and help you shape your own identity. That to me goes back to what I said about Will Ferrell earlier and the movie being more about him than Harbor, because that's what this film was all about. Seeking that perspective, and number six challenge societal expectations. Reflect on societal norms and expectations that may have influenced your own self perception. Consider consider whether these align with your true values and beliefs. It's important to recognize and embrace your own authentic identity rather than conforming to external pressures. Boom nail on head. And the seventh one is practice self acceptance and self love. Embrace self acceptance and love yourself unconditionally. Recognize that your identity may evolve over time and that's okay. Embrace the journey of self discovery and be kind yourself through the process. And then it goes on to say, like, remember, finding our identity is not a destination. It's a continuous process, so be patient with yourself. I mean, I do feel like this film came at a really interesting time for me personally, because I'm growing and evolving, and I've recently started dating somebody new, and I'm trying to approach it differently than my last relationship. And there is some baggage. We all have it, you know, we and we've we've acknowledged it. There's baggage. There's a child there, I mean, there's so many things that are new to me, and I'm trying to like give myself the grace to not be perfect at it out of the gate with this Wow.
We've done it. I've never been Expectations we put on ourselves are so wild, and then the way we talk to ourselves and we can't fulfill unrealistic expectations. It's just this visious cycle that we all seem to live in. And yeah, I'm just I'm grateful for movies like this to really make us think about, one how connected we all actually are, whether you are a straight man, a gay man, a transgender woman, Like it's just like we.
All have all humans.
Yeah, we're all.
Humans, and it's like we don't really need to identify by all those ways all the time because at the core of it, it's like we go through these life experiences and they make us feel similar ways they just look different on the outside. So I loved that message, But I also, like you said, love the idea of just taking your identity a day at a time and really just embracing who you are as you learn and you grow, and being kind to yourself while you do it, Like that's always the biggest key and I think we talk about that a lot on the podcast. Will you send me that article. I'm going to put it in the description of the podcast for the listeners. Yeah, if you guys want to go back and read again, like we said, go watch the film, let us know what you think. And then also if you start really working on your identity, you can always email us at the Edge at velvetedge dot com.
We want to hear about it.
Yeah.
Always, whatever it's true.
Self, bring us your true self. You can find me on Instagram at velvet Edge Chip.
I'm at chip Doors its Chip R s C h. WE.
As you guys go into the weekend and you're living on the edge, I hope you always remember to
Bye bye.