Hello, Hello.

Hello, Hello.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you. What's your name, sir? My name is Casey, Casey. How you doing has life?

Yeah, I can hear you. What's your name, sir? My name is Casey, Casey. How you doing has life?

I'm doing pretty good. On my lunch break, eating some fa fa It's like microwaveable.

I'm doing pretty good. On my lunch break, eating some fa fa It's like microwaveable.

I love fu. Just chilling, just chilling, pretty good, pretty good?

I love fu. Just chilling, just chilling, pretty good, pretty good?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh oh listen, man, here's the thing. Uh today, I'm happy to just chit chat about whatever. But uh, if you have a thing that you wanted to call in to talk about, uh, we could do that as well. What are you feeling? What are you thinking?

Uh oh listen, man, here's the thing. Uh today, I'm happy to just chit chat about whatever. But uh, if you have a thing that you wanted to call in to talk about, uh, we could do that as well. What are you feeling? What are you thinking?

You know?

You know?

I kind of just called spur of the moment. There's been multiple times where I'm like, oh, I want to call because I have this talk about but I'm just kind of, you know, on my lunch break, just hanging out. Was there anything on your mind?

I kind of just called spur of the moment. There's been multiple times where I'm like, oh, I want to call because I have this talk about but I'm just kind of, you know, on my lunch break, just hanging out. Was there anything on your mind?

Well let's do this. Man. What last time that you were like, Okay, I have this thing I want to talk about. What was that thing?

Well let's do this. Man. What last time that you were like, Okay, I have this thing I want to talk about. What was that thing?

Well? I so there's a couple of things I could either and I'll let you decide what you think sounds more interesting. So they're equally interesting to me. I one time lived on a commercial salmon fishing boat for a summer, which in Alaska, and we lived on the boat on the water for like six weeks, which was interesting and I have some fun stories from that. And then I'm also kind of in the midst of figuring out what I'm gonna do for grad school. Yeah, so that's also been something that's on my mind. So what sounds what sounds more interesting you?

Well? I so there's a couple of things I could either and I'll let you decide what you think sounds more interesting. So they're equally interesting to me. I one time lived on a commercial salmon fishing boat for a summer, which in Alaska, and we lived on the boat on the water for like six weeks, which was interesting and I have some fun stories from that. And then I'm also kind of in the midst of figuring out what I'm gonna do for grad school. Yeah, so that's also been something that's on my mind. So what sounds what sounds more interesting you?

So you you were on a salmon fishing boat for six months?

So you you were on a salmon fishing boat for six months?

Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? Yeah?

And where where was this boat located? Like where in the ocean?

And where where was this boat located? Like where in the ocean?

So it was it's a Bristol Bay, Alaska.

So it was it's a Bristol Bay, Alaska.

Bristol Bay, Alaska. I always wanted to go to Alaska. I don't know what the hell's going on over.

Bristol Bay, Alaska. I always wanted to go to Alaska. I don't know what the hell's going on over.

There, man, it let me tell you. It is a weird, very very strange place. We didn't really spend much time in like the populated areas. So what we did was we got there in the around the beginning of June, and we flew into anchorage and immediately got on a small, super small plane where we got to this point called Saint Petersborough And it's literally like I think there's less than fifty people that live there year round, and like during the summer when there's a bunch of different people there. There's like probably two to three hundred people just all at this like port essentially, and there are places where the fishermen live. There's like four or five different quarters. And then other than that, it's just like it's funny. It's a lot of convicts that come in because they work at the cannery. Usually instead of like having them rot in a cell or something, they have they fly them out and they work in the canaries where they like can the fish that comes in. And that was actually a stabbing in one of the quarters the year before I was there. It's a very chaotic place, for sure.

There, man, it let me tell you. It is a weird, very very strange place. We didn't really spend much time in like the populated areas. So what we did was we got there in the around the beginning of June, and we flew into anchorage and immediately got on a small, super small plane where we got to this point called Saint Petersborough And it's literally like I think there's less than fifty people that live there year round, and like during the summer when there's a bunch of different people there. There's like probably two to three hundred people just all at this like port essentially, and there are places where the fishermen live. There's like four or five different quarters. And then other than that, it's just like it's funny. It's a lot of convicts that come in because they work at the cannery. Usually instead of like having them rot in a cell or something, they have they fly them out and they work in the canaries where they like can the fish that comes in. And that was actually a stabbing in one of the quarters the year before I was there. It's a very chaotic place, for sure.

Did you get into any trouble while you were on the boat, so, did you stab anyone? Did you do anything crazy?

Did you get into any trouble while you were on the boat, so, did you stab anyone? Did you do anything crazy?

No stabbing. While on land, it was mostly just a bunch of heavy drinking and waking up, putting Bailey's in coffee and getting the boat prepared. And then so we lived on land for like three weeks getting the boat prepared ready to go out to sea, and that was basically like getting everything painted, like working on the engine and working on all the maintenance that needed to be done for it. And then after living on land for like two and a half weeks. Then we went out to the water and we spent like five weeks on the water.

No stabbing. While on land, it was mostly just a bunch of heavy drinking and waking up, putting Bailey's in coffee and getting the boat prepared. And then so we lived on land for like three weeks getting the boat prepared ready to go out to sea, and that was basically like getting everything painted, like working on the engine and working on all the maintenance that needed to be done for it. And then after living on land for like two and a half weeks. Then we went out to the water and we spent like five weeks on the water.

Wow, uh, five weeks on the water. How many people are on this boat?

Wow, uh, five weeks on the water. How many people are on this boat?

So that's the that's the thing. It was for like two weeks it was four of us, and then the last three and a half weeks it was three of us. It's a super small.

So that's the that's the thing. It was for like two weeks it was four of us, and then the last three and a half weeks it was three of us. It's a super small.

Boat and uh for five and you what you live in like little bunk beds and stuff.

Boat and uh for five and you what you live in like little bunk beds and stuff.

Dude, Yeah, it is like the smallest bed like I've ever slept on. It was. It was. It was quite miserable. Yeah, super super super sight quarters. We all like it was basically on the end of the boat. Like you know how a boat it kind of at the front, it kind of curves up, so it like you know, functions on the water where you're basically in that point and the beds are kind of a diagonal diagonalized going to the end of the boat. It's kind of hard to explain, but point is very small.

Dude, Yeah, it is like the smallest bed like I've ever slept on. It was. It was. It was quite miserable. Yeah, super super super sight quarters. We all like it was basically on the end of the boat. Like you know how a boat it kind of at the front, it kind of curves up, so it like you know, functions on the water where you're basically in that point and the beds are kind of a diagonal diagonalized going to the end of the boat. It's kind of hard to explain, but point is very small.

And tell me about the other guys. Did you get along with them or was their conflict on the boat?

And tell me about the other guys. Did you get along with them or was their conflict on the boat?

Yeah? So, so how I actually got the job was my buddy I was I was at I was doing undergrad at the time, and my buddy just texted in the group chat. He was like, Hey, my my mom's friend's husband needs somebody to come out to Alaska for the summer and work on his boat with him and uh catch some salmon. And he just texted it in the group chat, and it was like piranhas fighting for fighting for food. Like everybody snapped on it. But I was the first one to respond. And so Parker connected me, or his name was Parker connected me to the to the guy that was the captain of the boat. And so Parker and I were super close. We were really good friends. And but the captain, his name was Dale. He was a dick. He was honestly insufferable a lot of time.

Yeah? So, so how I actually got the job was my buddy I was I was at I was doing undergrad at the time, and my buddy just texted in the group chat. He was like, Hey, my my mom's friend's husband needs somebody to come out to Alaska for the summer and work on his boat with him and uh catch some salmon. And he just texted it in the group chat, and it was like piranhas fighting for fighting for food. Like everybody snapped on it. But I was the first one to respond. And so Parker connected me, or his name was Parker connected me to the to the guy that was the captain of the boat. And so Parker and I were super close. We were really good friends. And but the captain, his name was Dale. He was a dick. He was honestly insufferable a lot of time.

When what was it that made Dale a dick?

When what was it that made Dale a dick?

Oh, let's see he uh he. So when you when you're a commercial fisherman and you spend something like I think Alaska does weird things to people living out there for a long time because they have such little contact and the only people there around are other sweaty, pissy fishermen Soka. No, you're good, No, you're good. He uh. He had a really terrible attitude. He was he was a yeller, like he was really power tripping over the fact that it was his boat. He was the captain, so he so there was a lot of power tripping going on and he he uh, he would always talk about how fucking horny he was because he hadn't been around women, because you know, it's just us three dudes on the boat at the time, So just a lot of uncomfortable talking points, power tripping, yelling all the time, like we would always he like we were always having to cook for him, and shit, he was just a power tripping asshole. Not okay.

Oh, let's see he uh he. So when you when you're a commercial fisherman and you spend something like I think Alaska does weird things to people living out there for a long time because they have such little contact and the only people there around are other sweaty, pissy fishermen Soka. No, you're good, No, you're good. He uh. He had a really terrible attitude. He was he was a yeller, like he was really power tripping over the fact that it was his boat. He was the captain, so he so there was a lot of power tripping going on and he he uh, he would always talk about how fucking horny he was because he hadn't been around women, because you know, it's just us three dudes on the boat at the time, So just a lot of uncomfortable talking points, power tripping, yelling all the time, like we would always he like we were always having to cook for him, and shit, he was just a power tripping asshole. Not okay.

This does bring up an interesting and interesting question is do well, what's the masturbation situation looking like on this boat or are we just abstaining for the five weeks or are you kind of picking your spots? Are you doing it just straight up into the ocean.

This does bring up an interesting and interesting question is do well, what's the masturbation situation looking like on this boat or are we just abstaining for the five weeks or are you kind of picking your spots? Are you doing it just straight up into the ocean.

So it's it's pretty much nil while you're on the boat. So a lot of nutless aggravation, you know, yeah, nut deprived aggravation for sure. Five weeks, you know, sense to the whole crew pretty much. We did go back on land. We went back on land like three and a half weeks in, i want to say, and then we went back out for another week and a half, So I think everybody got a nut in during that, But other than that, yeah, pretty much nothing.

So it's it's pretty much nil while you're on the boat. So a lot of nutless aggravation, you know, yeah, nut deprived aggravation for sure. Five weeks, you know, sense to the whole crew pretty much. We did go back on land. We went back on land like three and a half weeks in, i want to say, and then we went back out for another week and a half, So I think everybody got a nut in during that, But other than that, yeah, pretty much nothing.

And was that like, did that add to the general vibe of frustration amongst the gang?

And was that like, did that add to the general vibe of frustration amongst the gang?

I definitely think so, Yeah, definitely there was, Yeah, a lot of yelling, a lot of arguing. Yeah, that definitely contributed. And there was also like I'll tell you the schedule because it really puts things into context of like what this job is like. So when you're on the boat, basically any time that you're allowed to fish, you have to fish because when you're not fishing, you're not making money essentially, because all of your money is based off how much fish you catch. Right, So the fishing periods were like eight hour time. So here would be like an average day, wake up at two am, make oatmeal, make coffee, dale the captain would start driving the boat out to where driving from the anchorage where we achre down out to where we're going to go fish for the day. That takes about like forty five minutes to an hour. We get where we're going to fish at three am, we roll out the net and we start fishing essentially, and we fish for about six hours so then it would hit about nine am, say, after that, we get all our fish into the bins, we drive back to the anchorage, take all of our fish and drop it off to the tender boat which takes all the fish from the small boats and gets it weighed out and processed. That takes about an hour, so at this point it's about like ten thirty probably, and then after that we go anchor up. You have to scrub the entire deck otherwise it smells like, you know, one of the worst smells you can imagine, Like you have to scrub it after every time you fish. Otherwise it's just going to be like you can't be out there for too long. So that takes about thirty minutes. And so then you know, you have like essentially forty five minutes to eat and just like do whatever you want to do in your free time, and then you have about two two to three hours to sleep, depending on the day. And then the next session starts at around like you know, one or two pm, so you all over again until like you know, one two am.

I definitely think so, Yeah, definitely there was, Yeah, a lot of yelling, a lot of arguing. Yeah, that definitely contributed. And there was also like I'll tell you the schedule because it really puts things into context of like what this job is like. So when you're on the boat, basically any time that you're allowed to fish, you have to fish because when you're not fishing, you're not making money essentially, because all of your money is based off how much fish you catch. Right, So the fishing periods were like eight hour time. So here would be like an average day, wake up at two am, make oatmeal, make coffee, dale the captain would start driving the boat out to where driving from the anchorage where we achre down out to where we're going to go fish for the day. That takes about like forty five minutes to an hour. We get where we're going to fish at three am, we roll out the net and we start fishing essentially, and we fish for about six hours so then it would hit about nine am, say, after that, we get all our fish into the bins, we drive back to the anchorage, take all of our fish and drop it off to the tender boat which takes all the fish from the small boats and gets it weighed out and processed. That takes about an hour, so at this point it's about like ten thirty probably, and then after that we go anchor up. You have to scrub the entire deck otherwise it smells like, you know, one of the worst smells you can imagine, Like you have to scrub it after every time you fish. Otherwise it's just going to be like you can't be out there for too long. So that takes about thirty minutes. And so then you know, you have like essentially forty five minutes to eat and just like do whatever you want to do in your free time, and then you have about two two to three hours to sleep, depending on the day. And then the next session starts at around like you know, one or two pm, so you all over again until like you know, one two am.

So you basically you break up your sleep scheduling.

So you basically you break up your sleep scheduling.

Yeah, yeah, right in the blocks of like two hours.

Yeah, yeah, right in the blocks of like two hours.

Yeah, that sounds like hell, how did you like feel during this time?

Yeah, that sounds like hell, how did you like feel during this time?

I was, I've that was the like it probably sounds cliche, but I genuinely think that was the first time I've ever felt myself kind of like slipping mentally. I did. I did. Actually near the end, I had some like hallucinations in the water whoa, which was crazy because I've never had, you know, visuals like you know, not coming out of you know, my brain processing what's in front of me, you know, besides like tripping balls, you know, So that was very strange. And yeah, I think the only thing that really got me through it was in my free time. I was reading The Myth of Sisssis. If you ever heard of that book?

I was, I've that was the like it probably sounds cliche, but I genuinely think that was the first time I've ever felt myself kind of like slipping mentally. I did. I did. Actually near the end, I had some like hallucinations in the water whoa, which was crazy because I've never had, you know, visuals like you know, not coming out of you know, my brain processing what's in front of me, you know, besides like tripping balls, you know, So that was very strange. And yeah, I think the only thing that really got me through it was in my free time. I was reading The Myth of Sisssis. If you ever heard of that book?

What is that?

What is that?

It's a it's a it's a philosophy book. It's I first really got I was into philosophy as an undergrad originally, but I brought this book with me. And since there's no there's no service or anything, there's nothing you can really do besides you know, read or you know, do jack shit. So basically reading in my free time that book got me through it. But it was I did feel myself going insane and that level of exhaustion definitely also contributed to the tension between the crewmates.

It's a it's a it's a philosophy book. It's I first really got I was into philosophy as an undergrad originally, but I brought this book with me. And since there's no there's no service or anything, there's nothing you can really do besides you know, read or you know, do jack shit. So basically reading in my free time that book got me through it. But it was I did feel myself going insane and that level of exhaustion definitely also contributed to the tension between the crewmates.

Yeah, and did you what did you learn from the Myth of Sisyphus?

Yeah, and did you what did you learn from the Myth of Sisyphus?

Well, it's it's one of it's not the founding book of absurdism, but it's it's like it's canon. You know, it's very it's very it's a very important work and the idea of absurdism, and I don't know it it. Before this, I was having a hard time wrestling with you know what a lot of people wrestle with on this podcast, the Meaning of life, you know, that type of stuff. But I think after reading that book, I think the biggest takeaway I took from it was that, like, the insignificance of our existence is not something to be upset about, but it's something to be taken advantage of because the impact or the lack of impact that we're actually leaving on the world gives us the freedom to take advantage of that insignificance and do what we think we want to do. And you know, that's not an excuse to dick around and do nothing, but it's like it's it's a good motivator for me personally to go out and do shit that I'm passionate about you know which, So now I'm like trying to go for my PhD for mass which I never would have saw myself doing. But after the fishing trip and after reading that book, it kind of realized, like, hey, I like maths. Why don't I do it for school instead of, you know, fucking around in a business degree where I have no interest, And now I want to go for my PhD. So it's helped me figure out what I wanted to do for sure.

Well, it's it's one of it's not the founding book of absurdism, but it's it's like it's canon. You know, it's very it's very it's a very important work and the idea of absurdism, and I don't know it it. Before this, I was having a hard time wrestling with you know what a lot of people wrestle with on this podcast, the Meaning of life, you know, that type of stuff. But I think after reading that book, I think the biggest takeaway I took from it was that, like, the insignificance of our existence is not something to be upset about, but it's something to be taken advantage of because the impact or the lack of impact that we're actually leaving on the world gives us the freedom to take advantage of that insignificance and do what we think we want to do. And you know, that's not an excuse to dick around and do nothing, but it's like it's it's a good motivator for me personally to go out and do shit that I'm passionate about you know which, So now I'm like trying to go for my PhD for mass which I never would have saw myself doing. But after the fishing trip and after reading that book, it kind of realized, like, hey, I like maths. Why don't I do it for school instead of, you know, fucking around in a business degree where I have no interest, And now I want to go for my PhD. So it's helped me figure out what I wanted to do for sure.

First of all, congratulations, that's awesome, But second of all, how lucky did you get that your passion was math? Oh? My god? Some people are like, my passion is to become a fucking call of duty live streamer or something, you know, you know what I mean? Like, it's how lucky did you get that your passion was matt Like? So, how lucky did you get that your passion was like something tangible that you can you can actually do something productive with, you know what I mean?

First of all, congratulations, that's awesome, But second of all, how lucky did you get that your passion was math? Oh? My god? Some people are like, my passion is to become a fucking call of duty live streamer or something, you know, you know what I mean? Like, it's how lucky did you get that your passion was matt Like? So, how lucky did you get that your passion was like something tangible that you can you can actually do something productive with, you know what I mean?

Yes? That, And I mean I think I think a lot. I think more people could find a passion in something like that, Like, well, I guess what you said tangible, But I think it's kind of it's really hard to unlock that with the way that we're educated now. I think people have a lot more potential in education that they just can't see because it's you know, it's it's not unlocked in the proper way because you know, nobody fucking likes math in high school. I hated math in high school. I got a dog shit education in math in high school, and so I think I think that's part of it as well. But yeah, I definitely got lucky that. I'm very glad that I enjoy it. It's it's it's fun funnily enough, though, I am in the part of math it's called pure math. It's pretty much it's about as applicable to life as philosophy itself, which you know, there's a threshold. It's basically just Greek. It's like writing proofs. It's just like Greek letters that mean absolutely nothing to the context of our actual, you know, real world experience. But I still enjoy it.

Yes? That, And I mean I think I think a lot. I think more people could find a passion in something like that, Like, well, I guess what you said tangible, But I think it's kind of it's really hard to unlock that with the way that we're educated now. I think people have a lot more potential in education that they just can't see because it's you know, it's it's not unlocked in the proper way because you know, nobody fucking likes math in high school. I hated math in high school. I got a dog shit education in math in high school, and so I think I think that's part of it as well. But yeah, I definitely got lucky that. I'm very glad that I enjoy it. It's it's it's fun funnily enough, though, I am in the part of math it's called pure math. It's pretty much it's about as applicable to life as philosophy itself, which you know, there's a threshold. It's basically just Greek. It's like writing proofs. It's just like Greek letters that mean absolutely nothing to the context of our actual, you know, real world experience. But I still enjoy it.

So pure math, you say, yeah, pure math, and and it's your writing proofs, as in your like, Okay, I'm going to prove to you without any shaft of a doubt the two plus two equals.

So pure math, you say, yeah, pure math, and and it's your writing proofs, as in your like, Okay, I'm going to prove to you without any shaft of a doubt the two plus two equals.

Exactly pretty much.

Exactly pretty much.

Yeah, yeah, that's insane. How do you approve that that's just like, uh something that is you.

Yeah, yeah, that's insane. How do you approve that that's just like, uh something that is you.

Know, it's uh. So, you know, the most obvious stuff is actually the hardest stuff to prove. I think the like widely accepted proof for one plus one equals to like completely rigorous and logical and one hundred percent without any like holes. It's like, I think it's like thirty six pages.

Know, it's uh. So, you know, the most obvious stuff is actually the hardest stuff to prove. I think the like widely accepted proof for one plus one equals to like completely rigorous and logical and one hundred percent without any like holes. It's like, I think it's like thirty six pages.

Actually it's really okay, so you can break that down even further, yes.

Actually it's really okay, so you can break that down even further, yes.

Like it's so non intuitive. The easiest stuff to prove is the stuff that you learn later on in your high school or like middle school education in math. The hardest shit to prove is the shit that you teach the young kids.

Like it's so non intuitive. The easiest stuff to prove is the stuff that you learn later on in your high school or like middle school education in math. The hardest shit to prove is the shit that you teach the young kids.

That's so god, God, that's so fucking god. That's so fucked up. That's so fucked up. There is you know what's funny is, yeah, you're talking about uh and God damn it, I've roped myself in once again to to getting existential. But it's what I'm having fun with it right now, is you know you're talking about like, oh, insignificance and whatever. It's like, there is so much to grasp in the world, and at a certain point you must accept that you cannot grasp at all, you know. And I think once you accept that and you just enjoy whatever it is, you enjoy your little bite of apple that you get if you're lucky as a human being, is probably where you find uh, the most happiness, you know, because I mean, just the knowledge that there's thirty six pages of proof involved to prove that one plus one equals too. I mean, that's there's just infinite every all things. And that's just the stuff that we know. Then there's the stuff that we don't know that's infinite, and it's like, god, damn, do I just want to play Mario Kart and Jack Off and you know, not think about any of this stuff, you know, or just I mean, I have this this I'm bringing this back to me. I don't know why, but this is just what I'm thinking about. It's like, I have this. This podcast is very interesting to me because it's been a vessel for me of like, oh, I want to suck up the whole world. I want to get to talk to as many people as possible, go as many places as possible, experience as much as possible. But I mean it's weird. There's no end, you know, it just keeps going and once you like, when you're trying to find aimed finality or something like that, you it kind of lead, it kind of makes you go crazy, right, you have to just accept what there is.

That's so god, God, that's so fucking god. That's so fucked up. That's so fucked up. There is you know what's funny is, yeah, you're talking about uh and God damn it, I've roped myself in once again to to getting existential. But it's what I'm having fun with it right now, is you know you're talking about like, oh, insignificance and whatever. It's like, there is so much to grasp in the world, and at a certain point you must accept that you cannot grasp at all, you know. And I think once you accept that and you just enjoy whatever it is, you enjoy your little bite of apple that you get if you're lucky as a human being, is probably where you find uh, the most happiness, you know, because I mean, just the knowledge that there's thirty six pages of proof involved to prove that one plus one equals too. I mean, that's there's just infinite every all things. And that's just the stuff that we know. Then there's the stuff that we don't know that's infinite, and it's like, god, damn, do I just want to play Mario Kart and Jack Off and you know, not think about any of this stuff, you know, or just I mean, I have this this I'm bringing this back to me. I don't know why, but this is just what I'm thinking about. It's like, I have this. This podcast is very interesting to me because it's been a vessel for me of like, oh, I want to suck up the whole world. I want to get to talk to as many people as possible, go as many places as possible, experience as much as possible. But I mean it's weird. There's no end, you know, it just keeps going and once you like, when you're trying to find aimed finality or something like that, you it kind of lead, it kind of makes you go crazy, right, you have to just accept what there is.

Yeah, yep, that's a lot of what absurdism is about, for sure.

Yeah, yep, that's a lot of what absurdism is about, for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, kind of you know, whining like a little bit about it, just sucking it up and admitting that it actually you know, but look at cliche enough. It is kind of looking on the brighter side of that, you know, terrifying an abysmal fact of life.

Yeah, kind of you know, whining like a little bit about it, just sucking it up and admitting that it actually you know, but look at cliche enough. It is kind of looking on the brighter side of that, you know, terrifying an abysmal fact of life.

What's your name again?

What's your name again?

I definitely recommend Casey, Casey.

I definitely recommend Casey, Casey.

How old are you, Casey? I'm curious what stage of life are you? Three twenty three? Very cool, very nice. That's nice that you've made peace with all this stuff pretty early in your life.

How old are you, Casey? I'm curious what stage of life are you? Three twenty three? Very cool, very nice. That's nice that you've made peace with all this stuff pretty early in your life.

Yeah, you know, shout out drugs. That definitely helped.

Yeah, you know, shout out drugs. That definitely helped.

A lot too, which ones.

A lot too, which ones.

Psychedelics mostly, So it's funny I quit smoking weed a while ago.

Psychedelics mostly, So it's funny I quit smoking weed a while ago.

But it's funny me because I I psychedelics, right, Like I would think.

But it's funny me because I I psychedelics, right, Like I would think.

I actually have to stop you. My lunch break is actually over. I really enjoyed this conversation though.

I actually have to stop you. My lunch break is actually over. I really enjoyed this conversation though.

I enjoyed this conversation with you too, Okay, Yeah, let's just we'll part two.

I enjoyed this conversation with you too, Okay, Yeah, let's just we'll part two.

This, Yes, we we we will come back for sure. I'm gonna try to get on again and keep doing what you're doing with the podcast.

This, Yes, we we we will come back for sure. I'm gonna try to get on again and keep doing what you're doing with the podcast.

W I love it all right, Thanks, thanks man, good I have have a have a good day at work.

W I love it all right, Thanks, thanks man, good I have have a have a good day at work.

Yeah, you too, have a good rest of the podcast talking.

Yeah, you too, have a good rest of the podcast talking.

About take care of bye bye bye bye bye, what a bummer. I liked talking to that guy a lot. That was great. I guess the to finish what I was going to say is that it's funny with Psychedelics are an interesting thing to me because they the whole selling point is that they are supposed to expand consciousness. But for me personally, I'm like, it's interesting to hear that they helped this guy solve his existentialism because for me, I'm like, isn't the like you want to be less conscious? Don't you? Don't you want? Isn't the whole point to be a little bit less conscious? Like I feel? Correct?

About take care of bye bye bye bye bye, what a bummer. I liked talking to that guy a lot. That was great. I guess the to finish what I was going to say is that it's funny with Psychedelics are an interesting thing to me because they the whole selling point is that they are supposed to expand consciousness. But for me personally, I'm like, it's interesting to hear that they helped this guy solve his existentialism because for me, I'm like, isn't the like you want to be less conscious? Don't you? Don't you want? Isn't the whole point to be a little bit less conscious? Like I feel? Correct?

You know what?

You know what?

Tell me, folks in the comments section on the Spotify or YouTube what you think of this. I'm curious what people think about this because I think I read this quote from uh someone, I don't actually I don't know if like someone fucking famous said this or if this is just something I read on Reddit. In my crazy musings is that you know, if ignorance is bliss, then clarity is misery. And I kind of felt that a little bit. So it's like the expansion of consciousness seems counterintuitive to happiness, although everyone is wired a little differently, you know. I mean, the happiest I think human beings are is when they're the least conscious, is when they're just you know, in life. In they are when when you are present and where you are. I was at I was at dinner with friends last night and I was I was just having like crazy anxiety, and I was on my phone and I was in my notes app, and I was on Instagram, and I was just fucking like, look, it was just like trying to find You're trying to find answers everywhere except where you fucking are. And I do think there's something to that, because anxiety, at least for me, is a sign that you're living your present moment, is is kind of out of sync with your desires in a way. But you got to kind of balance that with like, uh, if you need to fulfill every single desire all the time. Then you're you're just gonna suffer, you know. But it's it's a balancing act. Because I I and I talk about this on the fucking show a lot. Is like there's a weird balancing act between the the internal and the external of like, Okay, how much of anxiety is is is going to be solved by like internal acceptance and breathing or whatever versus Oh no, there's actually stuff going on in your life that you need to like change or or you know, you can actually like like how much can you capitalism yourself? How much can you capitalism yourself out of anxiety or depression? And I'm not even talking about like money. I'm talking about like by like doing stuff, by making things or making changes externally versus like, Okay, I need to breathe, I need to fucking do whatever. And I don't know, if I knew, I wouldn't be ranting crazy about it on a podcast. But whatever, interesting things to talk about. I liked that guy. That guy was cool, Like I was, uh interesting, fella. I gotta go to Alaska. I gotta see what's going on over there.

Tell me, folks in the comments section on the Spotify or YouTube what you think of this. I'm curious what people think about this because I think I read this quote from uh someone, I don't actually I don't know if like someone fucking famous said this or if this is just something I read on Reddit. In my crazy musings is that you know, if ignorance is bliss, then clarity is misery. And I kind of felt that a little bit. So it's like the expansion of consciousness seems counterintuitive to happiness, although everyone is wired a little differently, you know. I mean, the happiest I think human beings are is when they're the least conscious, is when they're just you know, in life. In they are when when you are present and where you are. I was at I was at dinner with friends last night and I was I was just having like crazy anxiety, and I was on my phone and I was in my notes app, and I was on Instagram, and I was just fucking like, look, it was just like trying to find You're trying to find answers everywhere except where you fucking are. And I do think there's something to that, because anxiety, at least for me, is a sign that you're living your present moment, is is kind of out of sync with your desires in a way. But you got to kind of balance that with like, uh, if you need to fulfill every single desire all the time. Then you're you're just gonna suffer, you know. But it's it's a balancing act. Because I I and I talk about this on the fucking show a lot. Is like there's a weird balancing act between the the internal and the external of like, Okay, how much of anxiety is is is going to be solved by like internal acceptance and breathing or whatever versus Oh no, there's actually stuff going on in your life that you need to like change or or you know, you can actually like like how much can you capitalism yourself? How much can you capitalism yourself out of anxiety or depression? And I'm not even talking about like money. I'm talking about like by like doing stuff, by making things or making changes externally versus like, Okay, I need to breathe, I need to fucking do whatever. And I don't know, if I knew, I wouldn't be ranting crazy about it on a podcast. But whatever, interesting things to talk about. I liked that guy. That guy was cool, Like I was, uh interesting, fella. I gotta go to Alaska. I gotta see what's going on over there.

Hello, Yeah, what's up?

Hello, Yeah, what's up?

Hey? What's what's going on, sir?

Hey? What's what's going on, sir?

Not much?

Not much?

I was calling. I was like, finally I got on. But uh yeah I had pretty decent as of late. I think, how about yourself if you mind me asking?

I was calling. I was like, finally I got on. But uh yeah I had pretty decent as of late. I think, how about yourself if you mind me asking?

Yeah, sure, life spend interesting. I mean doing things like this that kind of keep you like in the present is good. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, what what's going on with you? What's happening in your life?

Yeah, sure, life spend interesting. I mean doing things like this that kind of keep you like in the present is good. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, what what's going on with you? What's happening in your life?

Well, hmm, so I recently went to California this weekend, so yeah, that was pretty fun. I went to Rolling Wild you know that like festival.

Well, hmm, so I recently went to California this weekend, so yeah, that was pretty fun. I went to Rolling Wild you know that like festival.

Yeah, how was that?

Yeah, how was that?

That was very like anxiety inducing just because of like, yeah, the crowds. I realized I really hate crowds.

That was very like anxiety inducing just because of like, yeah, the crowds. I realized I really hate crowds.

But you didn't get you didn't get astro worlded, did you?

But you didn't get you didn't get astro worlded, did you?

Oh no, luckily not. Yeah, but it was getting bad at like when Playboy Party was playing, they had to stop for like twenty minutes, and then like Kaysonatt was on stage, he was yelling at us to like back up because like ten people passed out. But yeah, yeah, it gets crazy sometimes. But no, Astro World.

Oh no, luckily not. Yeah, but it was getting bad at like when Playboy Party was playing, they had to stop for like twenty minutes, and then like Kaysonatt was on stage, he was yelling at us to like back up because like ten people passed out. But yeah, yeah, it gets crazy sometimes. But no, Astro World.

Luckily pretty good. What else is going on in life?

Luckily pretty good. What else is going on in life?

Well? I think I did want to talk about a story because yeah, it was about I guess me breaking will dislocating myself in a monstrapit and it kind of I guess taught me gratitude and patient.

Well? I think I did want to talk about a story because yeah, it was about I guess me breaking will dislocating myself in a monstrapit and it kind of I guess taught me gratitude and patient.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

So yeah, I guess the long story short. So I went to my first so you know, the Auto Bar in Baltimore, something originally from Maryland.

So yeah, I guess the long story short. So I went to my first so you know, the Auto Bar in Baltimore, something originally from Maryland.

Yeah, I did a show there.

Yeah, I did a show there.

I love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw you there. So I went to my first hardcore show, which is like a couple of years ago, and yeah, I got into the pit. It was like the first band playing and then yeah, someone leaned when my thumb got stuck in someone's shirt and then it leaned back and like I heard a crack. I popped it back in place. I was like, we're good. It's still moving. So I was like, let's go.

I love. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw you there. So I went to my first hardcore show, which is like a couple of years ago, and yeah, I got into the pit. It was like the first band playing and then yeah, someone leaned when my thumb got stuck in someone's shirt and then it leaned back and like I heard a crack. I popped it back in place. I was like, we're good. It's still moving. So I was like, let's go.

We're good.

We're good.

So I kept going. Turns out I tore like a whole ligament in my thumb. This is my dominant hands, mind you, And then I realized I had to get surgery. So then I got surgery on my right hand, and I was in a cast I think for like two months. So I did like learn everything with my left hand. I had to learn how to brush my teeth and I'm also an artist too, so I did learn to draw with my left hand for those two months I find out how to do work for two months. I don't know. I think that time, I don't know, it kind of like taught me to just like really slowed down, especially like just the simple act of like brushing the teeth with like your left hand. It's so difficult if it's like not your dominant hand because you're not usually thinking about you doing any mind with sleep. But like now I actually have to like learn how to do that circular emotion, do everything like that. But yeah, doing artwork as well kind of like slowed down a lot. Like I actually was like more I guess what's that word. I guess, hmmm, decisive with my movements and more like yeah, I think more decisive with it. And it had like a better like mythology of going your valid and stuff like that. But yeah, it was kind of weird, weird situation because it was like I do everything with my right hand. I do everything just mindlessly a lot, and this kind of taught me like WHOA, just because of how uncoordinated I was with my left hand. I kind of learned to just like yeah, kind of be with the flow of things and kind of adjust to those things and being okay with it, even if I kind of like suck at it.

So I kept going. Turns out I tore like a whole ligament in my thumb. This is my dominant hands, mind you, And then I realized I had to get surgery. So then I got surgery on my right hand, and I was in a cast I think for like two months. So I did like learn everything with my left hand. I had to learn how to brush my teeth and I'm also an artist too, so I did learn to draw with my left hand for those two months I find out how to do work for two months. I don't know. I think that time, I don't know, it kind of like taught me to just like really slowed down, especially like just the simple act of like brushing the teeth with like your left hand. It's so difficult if it's like not your dominant hand because you're not usually thinking about you doing any mind with sleep. But like now I actually have to like learn how to do that circular emotion, do everything like that. But yeah, doing artwork as well kind of like slowed down a lot. Like I actually was like more I guess what's that word. I guess, hmmm, decisive with my movements and more like yeah, I think more decisive with it. And it had like a better like mythology of going your valid and stuff like that. But yeah, it was kind of weird, weird situation because it was like I do everything with my right hand. I do everything just mindlessly a lot, and this kind of taught me like WHOA, just because of how uncoordinated I was with my left hand. I kind of learned to just like yeah, kind of be with the flow of things and kind of adjust to those things and being okay with it, even if I kind of like suck at it.

So yeah, yeah, M And how is your how how long was your right hand out of commission?

So yeah, yeah, M And how is your how how long was your right hand out of commission?

So yeah, two months in the cast and then I had therapy, so it was about like three months. But I think those three months are really good because I was like really grateful for like the times I do have two hands, because having one hand kind of sucks. So I kind of feel bad. Well I feel really bad for people with one hand or no hands, but yeah, having that one hand kind of yeah, put things in perspective a lot. It made me kind of, yeah, very slow down. I think the main thing was like slow down to a lot of stuff.

So yeah, two months in the cast and then I had therapy, so it was about like three months. But I think those three months are really good because I was like really grateful for like the times I do have two hands, because having one hand kind of sucks. So I kind of feel bad. Well I feel really bad for people with one hand or no hands, but yeah, having that one hand kind of yeah, put things in perspective a lot. It made me kind of, yeah, very slow down. I think the main thing was like slow down to a lot of stuff.

Yeah, what was the hardest thing to learn with your left hands?

Yeah, what was the hardest thing to learn with your left hands?

Ooh, so I have this big dog. I have a dog. She's in the key to She's like eighty pounds. That was kind of hard to like walk her. So I had this LEAs. I got this leash, like it's basically kind of like the avatar leavest like basically connected to me. So it's like at least that goes across my body. And then yeah, she just connected things like that. But yeah, other than that, I think what else was really hard? Opening things? Opening things was awful. I couldn't open things and that was really hard. Yeah. I think it was like those those daily things. Taking a shower was really difficult. It was very difficult because you can't get your cast web or any of that web. Yeah, I like the day to day stuff very difficult.

Ooh, so I have this big dog. I have a dog. She's in the key to She's like eighty pounds. That was kind of hard to like walk her. So I had this LEAs. I got this leash, like it's basically kind of like the avatar leavest like basically connected to me. So it's like at least that goes across my body. And then yeah, she just connected things like that. But yeah, other than that, I think what else was really hard? Opening things? Opening things was awful. I couldn't open things and that was really hard. Yeah. I think it was like those those daily things. Taking a shower was really difficult. It was very difficult because you can't get your cast web or any of that web. Yeah, I like the day to day stuff very difficult.

And so how long ago is this?

And so how long ago is this?

This was twenty so twenty twenty two going into twenty twenty three, so it's been basically almost Yeah, a year since the surgery. Has been a year since the surgery. Oh now twenty three, No, twenty twenty three going into twenty twenty four, So yeah, like a year.

This was twenty so twenty twenty two going into twenty twenty three, so it's been basically almost Yeah, a year since the surgery. Has been a year since the surgery. Oh now twenty three, No, twenty twenty three going into twenty twenty four, So yeah, like a year.

So has Because here's the thing about like epiphanies I notice a lot is that they're not one and done things. They're they're kind of things you have to remind yourself of. And so do you feel like that gratefulness and that awareness has stayed with you throughout this?

So has Because here's the thing about like epiphanies I notice a lot is that they're not one and done things. They're they're kind of things you have to remind yourself of. And so do you feel like that gratefulness and that awareness has stayed with you throughout this?

See? That's hard too. Yeah, So that's what I sometimes I do definitely like just get back into like the mindless stroll of things. I think. Yeah, No, it's really hard to kind of always remain and remember that. I guess these I guess that finite thing of like that impermanence of everything, and that you need to just enjoy and be grateful for those just those simple things like that, going back to just brushing your teeth. You take those things for granted. So I don't know, I kind of sometimes I guess there's those times where I like, yeah, I might have an epiphany off of like mushrooms again, I'm like, I need to go back to the simplistic thing. And then sometimes I just lose that strain of thought and I just get caught into to think of it and stuff like that. But I don't know. I think what helps me a lot. I do a lot of like yoga, which puts me into that framework of like being there in that moment and just breathing. So I feel like those kind of like revert back to those times of like when I had that one hand and I was basically purple to do gradit that one hand to do everything and had to focus on that activity I was usually doing that I thought usually with two hands wasn't important and stuff like that. So yeah, I don't know. It's really like a roller coaster effect. I feel like there's always those highs and lows of like figuring it out, remaining in that state. I don't know. I don't think we should be like I think we should cheer ourselves with the grace too when we do forget about that stuff as well, because that like, yeah, we're just human. We're just learning, growing, failing, succeeding. You know.

See? That's hard too. Yeah, So that's what I sometimes I do definitely like just get back into like the mindless stroll of things. I think. Yeah, No, it's really hard to kind of always remain and remember that. I guess these I guess that finite thing of like that impermanence of everything, and that you need to just enjoy and be grateful for those just those simple things like that, going back to just brushing your teeth. You take those things for granted. So I don't know, I kind of sometimes I guess there's those times where I like, yeah, I might have an epiphany off of like mushrooms again, I'm like, I need to go back to the simplistic thing. And then sometimes I just lose that strain of thought and I just get caught into to think of it and stuff like that. But I don't know. I think what helps me a lot. I do a lot of like yoga, which puts me into that framework of like being there in that moment and just breathing. So I feel like those kind of like revert back to those times of like when I had that one hand and I was basically purple to do gradit that one hand to do everything and had to focus on that activity I was usually doing that I thought usually with two hands wasn't important and stuff like that. So yeah, I don't know. It's really like a roller coaster effect. I feel like there's always those highs and lows of like figuring it out, remaining in that state. I don't know. I don't think we should be like I think we should cheer ourselves with the grace too when we do forget about that stuff as well, because that like, yeah, we're just human. We're just learning, growing, failing, succeeding. You know.

So what's going on with you now that you have two hands? What are you doing with your hands?

So what's going on with you now that you have two hands? What are you doing with your hands?

I'm doing so I'm grabbing so many things. Yeah, so I guess what I'll do. Yeah, I like to like be outside a lot, so and like just yeah, work out, I do more tie a lot. That's fun. You do more time sports and stuff like, Yeah, more time is really funny.

I'm doing so I'm grabbing so many things. Yeah, so I guess what I'll do. Yeah, I like to like be outside a lot, so and like just yeah, work out, I do more tie a lot. That's fun. You do more time sports and stuff like, Yeah, more time is really funny.

You're you're really out there trying to fuck up your hands again, You're really you're like, I didn't get injured hard enough to fuck up myself even.

You're you're really out there trying to fuck up your hands again, You're really you're like, I didn't get injured hard enough to fuck up myself even.

More exactly, I think. Yeah, I like those like high stake things. I don't know if that's like dangerous, but you know, yolo, but I do go back to the pits and stuff like that way more safer, keeping my hands like away from my clothing and people sometimes and stuff like that. But I've been using my hands a lot. I think I've been creating a lot like art. I said, I was an artist, so now I know how to use both of my hands with art. So that's like been like really cool. Actually it's been really fun. Yeah, you know, what's your favorite thing to do with two hands?

More exactly, I think. Yeah, I like those like high stake things. I don't know if that's like dangerous, but you know, yolo, but I do go back to the pits and stuff like that way more safer, keeping my hands like away from my clothing and people sometimes and stuff like that. But I've been using my hands a lot. I think I've been creating a lot like art. I said, I was an artist, so now I know how to use both of my hands with art. So that's like been like really cool. Actually it's been really fun. Yeah, you know, what's your favorite thing to do with two hands?

What's my favorite thing to do with uh two hands? I guess fucking play video games? That's probably the Yeah. I've thought about whether I would, I would be whether I would Would you rather have no hands or no feet? I feel like no, I feel like I no feet, right.

What's my favorite thing to do with uh two hands? I guess fucking play video games? That's probably the Yeah. I've thought about whether I would, I would be whether I would Would you rather have no hands or no feet? I feel like no, I feel like I no feet, right.

Yeah, no, no, no, because you can't.

Yeah, no, no, no, because you can't.

Walk, but you could use a wheelchair.

Walk, but you could use a wheelchair.

That's true.

That's true.

There's so many things.

There's so many things.

A lot of your hands, but a lot of places aren't like wheelchair accessible either. Like what if there's like stairs in your fuck you know.

A lot of your hands, but a lot of places aren't like wheelchair accessible either. Like what if there's like stairs in your fuck you know.

Yeah, but what if you have to what if there's a door and you gotta open it, then you're really fucking You can.

Yeah, but what if you have to what if there's a door and you gotta open it, then you're really fucking You can.

Use your mouth or you can use your feet too, you know.

Use your mouth or you can use your feet too, you know.

Yeah, yeah, I guess you would have to learn how to use your feet. Yeah, you know. I I feel like I feel like a wimp. A lot of the times, I'm like I feel like I'm like, oh, I only have the strength for like, yeah, you're you're feel that way. You're like, I don't feel like I have the strength for like tons and tons of adversity. But yet you see yet, you know out there there exists tons and tons of adversity and people are doing it. People are getting themselves through adversity, you know. I often that's that's one of my problems is I often feel as though I don't have the strength to overcome adversity, which is hard because I think life just throws adversity around in a way that doesn't really care who you are or what the fuck if you've experienced it before or not.

Yeah, yeah, I guess you would have to learn how to use your feet. Yeah, you know. I I feel like I feel like a wimp. A lot of the times, I'm like I feel like I'm like, oh, I only have the strength for like, yeah, you're you're feel that way. You're like, I don't feel like I have the strength for like tons and tons of adversity. But yet you see yet, you know out there there exists tons and tons of adversity and people are doing it. People are getting themselves through adversity, you know. I often that's that's one of my problems is I often feel as though I don't have the strength to overcome adversity, which is hard because I think life just throws adversity around in a way that doesn't really care who you are or what the fuck if you've experienced it before or not.

You know, yeah, life doesn't give a shit. Going back to that, there is that guy that has like no limbs at all, but he climbs mountains. I saw something. Yeah, he climbed like one of the tallest mountain in Africa or something. Yeah, and he has no arms or legs. But yeah, going back to like adversity, Yeah, I don't know. Yes, it's kind of like how do you come up to the plate for it? A lot of the times, the most of times we don't, And I think that's okay too, because it's like, I don't know, we learned from that adversity even though we might have not came to the challenge too, and stuff like that.

You know, yeah, life doesn't give a shit. Going back to that, there is that guy that has like no limbs at all, but he climbs mountains. I saw something. Yeah, he climbed like one of the tallest mountain in Africa or something. Yeah, and he has no arms or legs. But yeah, going back to like adversity, Yeah, I don't know. Yes, it's kind of like how do you come up to the plate for it? A lot of the times, the most of times we don't, And I think that's okay too, because it's like, I don't know, we learned from that adversity even though we might have not came to the challenge too, and stuff like that.

Oh yeah, that guy, that guy, well there's a lot of I mean, that guy's doing pretty good. But I also think about all the people who don't have arms and legs, who are like, man, this is not I don't like this.

Oh yeah, that guy, that guy, well there's a lot of I mean, that guy's doing pretty good. But I also think about all the people who don't have arms and legs, who are like, man, this is not I don't like this.

Yeah that's true too. Damn yeah, life, life can be like that.

Yeah that's true too. Damn yeah, life, life can be like that.

Well realize, I guess, I guess you know what you're making me feel. Grateful to have arms and legs, which is that. I think, honestly, probably the baseline to wake up every day with is just grateful you have arms and legs.

Well realize, I guess, I guess you know what you're making me feel. Grateful to have arms and legs, which is that. I think, honestly, probably the baseline to wake up every day with is just grateful you have arms and legs.

For sure, but definitely try to do stuff with your opposite hand though. It definitely puts you into like perspective and it keeps you because you were talking about presence a lot. You talk about that flow stick. It gives you at presence that I feel like, because you're actually going to have to focus on the cash you're doing, even though because most of the time we do it mindlessly with that dominant hand or something like that. But yeah, I feel like everyone even chat or anyone that might listen to this. Yeah, try to do things that you're not usually comfortable with, and that can be simple things because they kind of yeah, put those things in perspective.

For sure, but definitely try to do stuff with your opposite hand though. It definitely puts you into like perspective and it keeps you because you were talking about presence a lot. You talk about that flow stick. It gives you at presence that I feel like, because you're actually going to have to focus on the cash you're doing, even though because most of the time we do it mindlessly with that dominant hand or something like that. But yeah, I feel like everyone even chat or anyone that might listen to this. Yeah, try to do things that you're not usually comfortable with, and that can be simple things because they kind of yeah, put those things in perspective.

You know, what's your name again, sir?

You know, what's your name again, sir?

Oh, I went by poop, but Poop, I go by friend.

Oh, I went by poop, but Poop, I go by friend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But but but I did call you with flying loads that one time, and I was so nervous and I really want to call back, and I think it went way better because I actually knew what to talk about. But yeah, you know, shit happens and then you over here again.

But but but I did call you with flying loads that one time, and I was so nervous and I really want to call back, and I think it went way better because I actually knew what to talk about. But yeah, you know, shit happens and then you over here again.

So yeah, Poop, is there anything else you gonna say to the people the computer before we go?

So yeah, Poop, is there anything else you gonna say to the people the computer before we go?

Stay yourself, guys, do what you love and yeah, love.

Stay yourself, guys, do what you love and yeah, love.

You get Thank you, Poop, you have a good rest of the night. Good luck to you, sir, you too? H Yeah, this why is I don't like doing I'm okay with like embarrassing myself, but I don't like doing putting myself out there like physically, Like I have no interest in skydiving or skateboarding or anything where you can like really fuck yourself up. But I have respect for people who do do that. Hello, Hey, Hey, what's up? What's your name?

You get Thank you, Poop, you have a good rest of the night. Good luck to you, sir, you too? H Yeah, this why is I don't like doing I'm okay with like embarrassing myself, but I don't like doing putting myself out there like physically, Like I have no interest in skydiving or skateboarding or anything where you can like really fuck yourself up. But I have respect for people who do do that. Hello, Hey, Hey, what's up? What's your name?

My name is Graciana. We've talked once.

My name is Graciana. We've talked once.

Before, Graciana. How long ago did we talk?

Before, Graciana. How long ago did we talk?

It was like when you like, you know, when COVID was was a thing that everyone was we were all hiding from well some of us, some.

It was like when you like, you know, when COVID was was a thing that everyone was we were all hiding from well some of us, some.

Of us are anyone, Okay, so a while ago.

Of us are anyone, Okay, so a while ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The last subject we talked about. I was explaining how I I had my first kid at fifteen and my next one at twenty two and the difference between the two, and oh.

The last subject we talked about. I was explaining how I I had my first kid at fifteen and my next one at twenty two and the difference between the two, and oh.

Shit, well how are they doing? How are the kids?

Shit, well how are they doing? How are the kids?

Oh, you know, that's complicated. Listen, kids. My three year old he changes every day, if not every week, if not like every month. And he's a little easier because you know, he's three in the way of you know, it's he can't talk that much. My eleven year old, she's on this whole discovering herself in questioning life and and I mean some stuff is going on there for sure. That's kind of terrifying in the way of she obviously has depression and she's made it clear that you know, she's.

Oh, you know, that's complicated. Listen, kids. My three year old he changes every day, if not every week, if not like every month. And he's a little easier because you know, he's three in the way of you know, it's he can't talk that much. My eleven year old, she's on this whole discovering herself in questioning life and and I mean some stuff is going on there for sure. That's kind of terrifying in the way of she obviously has depression and she's made it clear that you know, she's.

She's asking for help and she's eleven.

She's asking for help and she's eleven.

Yeah, she's eleven, dude.

Yeah, she's eleven, dude.

Oh man, so how do you uh uh? I've been thinking you know, it's funny. So I don't think I'm gonna have kids for a while, but I know that I want to eventually. And I was thinking about that. I was like, how if you know, like you this is this might be a negative viewpoint, but it's like, you know, I think having kids like can introduce a lot of joy in your life, but also a lot of suffering because like whatever you take, whatever they have, you know, that's kind of part of your job. I think is like if your kid is suffering, you kind of have to, you know, be in that suffering with them to help. You got to dive into the black pit to help get them out of there, and you got to go in there. You know, what is it? I mean? Is that accurate? Do you feel that way?

Oh man, so how do you uh uh? I've been thinking you know, it's funny. So I don't think I'm gonna have kids for a while, but I know that I want to eventually. And I was thinking about that. I was like, how if you know, like you this is this might be a negative viewpoint, but it's like, you know, I think having kids like can introduce a lot of joy in your life, but also a lot of suffering because like whatever you take, whatever they have, you know, that's kind of part of your job. I think is like if your kid is suffering, you kind of have to, you know, be in that suffering with them to help. You got to dive into the black pit to help get them out of there, and you got to go in there. You know, what is it? I mean? Is that accurate? Do you feel that way?

I see, I feel a lot like I think that we feel a lot of the same in that way. Like although you know, when I got pregnant at fifteen, I thought it was going to be a beautiful, wonderful thing. Obviously I was a fucking kid, right, but like and then as as I got older, like and then having my newest, my newest boy, it's I'm realizing that I have a lot, Like I stopped. I essentially stopped at fifteen kind of like discovering myself and all that. So I encourage people to just kind of enjoy themselves, like get to know themselves, because yes, having a kid it has given me a lot of joy and perspective, but it is also really hard and and it's at some times like currently, I feel like with my eleven year olds, it's kind of like your you don't know if if you're going to get a bank you in the end for all of the actual sacrifices that you do make in just like mentally and and physically and like and you know, just like all the all the stuff. The fucking doctor visits the it's it's just it's you. It's you caring for a whole other person. And also like I'm I'm you know, I knew after a while, uh that I'm essentially teaching her what what life is going to be, like everything everything that I give her, Like she she's watching me, like how I handle things, That's how she's gonna handle things, right, Yeah.

I see, I feel a lot like I think that we feel a lot of the same in that way. Like although you know, when I got pregnant at fifteen, I thought it was going to be a beautiful, wonderful thing. Obviously I was a fucking kid, right, but like and then as as I got older, like and then having my newest, my newest boy, it's I'm realizing that I have a lot, Like I stopped. I essentially stopped at fifteen kind of like discovering myself and all that. So I encourage people to just kind of enjoy themselves, like get to know themselves, because yes, having a kid it has given me a lot of joy and perspective, but it is also really hard and and it's at some times like currently, I feel like with my eleven year olds, it's kind of like your you don't know if if you're going to get a bank you in the end for all of the actual sacrifices that you do make in just like mentally and and physically and like and you know, just like all the all the stuff. The fucking doctor visits the it's it's just it's you. It's you caring for a whole other person. And also like I'm I'm you know, I knew after a while, uh that I'm essentially teaching her what what life is going to be, like everything everything that I give her, Like she she's watching me, like how I handle things, That's how she's gonna handle things, right, Yeah.

You're giving her the context of life.

You're giving her the context of life.

Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like I was fifteen when I had her, and so it wasn't the prettiest scene. You know, it really wasn't. I mean, granted, I don't like, it wasn't like a you know, I don't I don't know. Me and my partner are both fifteen, So it was it was it was like two kids that all of a sudden moved in together and like my family is falling apart. So then as all of a sudden, was like adopted by his mom with my brothers, and so it's just like to a certain extent, I understand why.

Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like I was fifteen when I had her, and so it wasn't the prettiest scene. You know, it really wasn't. I mean, granted, I don't like, it wasn't like a you know, I don't I don't know. Me and my partner are both fifteen, So it was it was it was like two kids that all of a sudden moved in together and like my family is falling apart. So then as all of a sudden, was like adopted by his mom with my brothers, and so it's just like to a certain extent, I understand why.

Why it was so hard.

Why it was so hard.

For because I was fucking fifteen, and so like it wasn't It wasn't a about oh I should I should be not crying in the closet, and I just that all the time, like I should be I don't know, trying to do things and paying more attention and and uh, I don't know, dude, I think his is I think having kids is a beautiful thing, and but I also feel like it's it's not it's not what they told us.

For because I was fucking fifteen, and so like it wasn't It wasn't a about oh I should I should be not crying in the closet, and I just that all the time, like I should be I don't know, trying to do things and paying more attention and and uh, I don't know, dude, I think his is I think having kids is a beautiful thing, and but I also feel like it's it's not it's not what they told us.

You know, are you still with that, You're still with the guy that you had the kid with, not my.

You know, are you still with that, You're still with the guy that you had the kid with, not my.

Eleven year old. I'm with a new partner and he's the father of my three year old.

Eleven year old. I'm with a new partner and he's the father of my three year old.

Okay, okay, uh, and how how is he? Because I feel like that is the because this really feels like something you kind of can't do alone. It feels like something that that you got to have the right person to do.