Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is great to have you here. Back for another episode. This week, we're talking about an inevitable relationship moment concept that we are all going to encounter at some stage in our lives, whether that is in our twenties, which is typically when we have our first experience of this happening, or later in life. What do we do when our ex moves and further to that, why can it be so painful? I think that that is a question that a lot of ourselves have found ourselves asking and looking for an answer to. Breakups are never easy. We are emotionally bonded and attached to this person, and the aftermath can feel so confronting, like we're kind of navigating this storm of very confusing emotions. But what exactly happens when we see our former partner moving forward with their life seemingly over it over us unaffected by the breakup. I think it can be really heart wrenching and a really difficult experience leaves us grappling with feelings of rejection and longing and confusion. Even if we ourselves are in a new relationship or we don't have any unresolved feelings or it's been years, there is this aspect of finding out that your ex is dating someone new that is very psychologically confronting, and I think sometimes we don't understand exactly why that is. So in today's episode, that is exactly what we're going to talk about. I've been here quite a few times, each of them hurt just as much as the last. But I think that upon reflecting on those experiences, there's been some good lessons and good wisdom and maturity that has come out of it that hopefully I can share. So we're going to examine exactly what it is about your ex moving on that is so uniquely confronting. In particular, I really want to discuss what we think it says about us that perhaps we are replaceable, or that their new partner possesses something that we don't have, and how exactly that really injures our sense of self worth and our self concept. I think often in these moments, we forget exactly why we are not with that, why that relationship had to come to an end, and all we remember are the good times, the happy memories. There's this idea in psychology known as rosy retrospection, and I want to show how that keeps us stuck in a narrative of longing and expectation rather than allowing us to move on, but also going to touch on ideas of sunk costs, the addiction model of heartbreak, expecting thinking, social comparison, so much more. There is a lot of science behind this that I think could be really, really helpful. But really at the heart of today's episode is what's next when the chapter finally closes, what do we do? I think it goes without saying that jumping into a new relationship or finding a rebound is not particularly healthy, Nor is lashing out at your ex you know, going to do what they want to do. You cannot control their emotions when that happens. I think what we're really doing also is letting our ego overtake our rational brain. In fact, I think moving on and moving forward in silence is our best bet So I want to go through four key strategies to kind of finally find that acceptance at the end of a relationship, especially after how X has seemingly found someone else and dealing with all of the uncomfortable emotions that that brings up. Trust me, I know it really hurts right now. But there is a reason your feeling this way, one that has so much to do with our human psychology. So we are going to explore all of that and so much more in this episode. I'm excited to dive into it and perhaps help someone out there who was in this situation. You're not alone. I've been there, done that, got the T shirts. So without further ado, let's jump into what to do when your ex moves on. Okay, so, if you're listening to this, I'm guessing that you are in that tricky place or realization that your ex is with someone new. First of all, that absolutely sucks, and it can be so emotionally intense, especially if your breakup was only recently. I feel a lot of sympathy for your situation, but hopefully I can provide you with a bit of wisdom from my own experience. My friends actually have this joke that I'm a foster girlfriend for all of my exes they date me, I fix all of their emotional unavailability and immaturity and send them off to the next person who they inevitably start dating fairly long term. I've been there quite a few times. It is such a repeat experience for me, but I think I've gotten it down to a bit of a science as to what to do in this situation. That's really what I want to share today. But firstly, we need to examine why this experience brings up so many negative feelings of rejection, of jealousy, of poor self worth, and so much more, and also anger and guilt and confusion. I find it so interesting that we can feel so fine with our decision that that relationship needed to end until we learn that there was someone new, and then suddenly all of those reasons don't seem so meaningful anymore. It's not going to surprise any of you. I hope that there is obviously a lot of psychology behind this reaction. When we are in a relationship with someone, we develop a very deep emotional attachment to them through things like shared memories, physical connection, intimacy, proximity, repeated interactions, and of course, an expectation about the future. All of these experiences are incredibly psychologically bonding, especially things like frequent positive interactions. They create a real sense of familiarity and comfort, and they also create biological reactions, including the release of hormones like oxytocin, which we colloquially know as the bonding hormone. That is what promotes this intense closeness. Even if maybe you guys were never official, even if it was a situationship, our brains don't understand that. All they understand is, here is this person who is fulfilling this need for me, who is providing me with this closeness, who is touching me, who I trust. That is what's important for us and for our brains. When that relationship ends, this abrupt ending of those positive experiences, the disc can and that loss of a future together is incredibly profound, and seeing someone with your ex seeing them with someone new intensifies those feelings and it triggers emotional pain. I think an element of why that is particularly upsetting is because it makes you confront the finality of the breakup. Whilst you are both single, there could still have been this sense of expectation that maybe things will change, especially when there are unresolved feelings involved there. Our body and our brains still crave this person because it doesn't forget that bond overnight or even within a few weeks. And when they seemingly replace us, that really solidifies the end of the chapter. There is no more expectant thinking. It's where I think the breakup truly starts, primarily because it forces us to find that closure that maybe we didn't previously have, that that relationship is done. It eliminates the what if thinking there is someone else in our shoes. It's why I think seeing them with someone new is particularly kind of painful and hurtful, because maybe you haven't reflected on what you really thought was going to happen. Maybe you hadn't really thought that someone else would one day be in your position with that person, experiencing all of those beautiful memories, but you're not in them. There's someone new in those memories. There's a few other psychological elements to this as well. When our ex starts dating someone new, we feel the full impact of what we call sunk costs. There's this concept called the sunk cost fallacy that I think really applies to the decisions we make towards ex partners, especially if we've been with them for a long time. When we invest a lot of time and energy into something, we feel a greater sense of commitment to follow that through and to keep putting time into this, into this relationship, even if it's not working. The reason why is because walking away or giving up would mean all of those resources, all of those hours, they're lost. They cannot be recovered. And when this person who we've invested in the past starts dating someone new, it makes us acutely aware of what we have given up and what we feel like we've wasted. The love, the time, the intimacy. Maybe that could have gone somewhere else, Maybe that could have been poured into someone better. Of course, I think no experience is ever a waste. We learn more from breakups sometimes than I think we learn from our relationships. You know, from a personal experience. I am so immensely grateful for those experiences of being hurt, having to see someone I once loved move on, because it profoundly changed my opinion myself. I wanted to do better, I wanted to be better, be happier and healthier, rather than just using someone else to take away that sadness, and I think in the long term we are rewarded for that choice. But it links to this other element as well, And I think the reason we struggle with our X moving on so quickly is that it combines the very physical and emotional after effects of a breakup with a further sense of rejection and diminished self esteem. Specifically, I think we wonder what their decision says about us. Really, it doesn't say much about us at all, but in that state of delusion and confusion, we think, if they were able to find someone so quickly, if they have apparently already moved on, does that mean we're replaceable, or that the intensity of those feelings were one sided? Or does it mean that there's something wrong with me that I haven't moved on yet, that I haven't found someone else. Self esteem after a breakup is already greatly diminished due to that lack of certainty, due to that confusion and our efforts to reclaim those individual aspects of our identity that make you feel independent and unique beyond that person. So seeing them move on makes you feel inadequate, and it makes you question whether everything that this person validated in you is perhaps not that special, especially if your connection could be that easily forgotten. If someone meant a lot to you, it's only natural to want them to feel the same way about you. This incredible article explained it this way. When we see our ex with someone else, this may trigger doubts and insecurities over how your partner truly felt about you in the relationship. Even if you want your ex to be happy now, it's normal to question whether they truly loved you as much as they said they did. There's also this component of if you only broke up a little while back, were they with someone else, were they already out looking, had they already lost interest in you whilst you were still in a committed relationship. Now, if that experience is a repeated pattern, if your ex partners are always the first to move on, that further reinforces this false belief that somehow you were inadequate or you were just a pit stop before these people find the person they're really meant to be with, and from that can come an intense self pity. I've been there, you know. Every time I've heard about one of my exes dating someone new or even being engaged. It has happened. It does kind of sting a bit because that hasn't been my experience, but you know how I imagine it. I always think these people were all just kind of side characters in the greater journey I'm on. Their chapter is closed, which is very unfortunate for them, and they only exist in that chapter and nowhere else. They have forwarded my story and my growth, and they also owe me nothing, but I really owe them a whole lot because they've only made me so much better. You know, it's interesting because I'm actually dating someone at the moment, which I haven't really spoken about on the podcast, you know, just for their privacy and also to see how things go. But one question he asked me when we first started talking was what did your last relationship teach you about yourself? And what I said is that it taught me what I deserve. And he asked me, you know, what is it that you deserve? And I told him I knew my answer because in all of those moments where I was treated poorly or disappointed, it acted as a signal to me of a need that these people were not meeting. I guess your time will come and you will have done the work to be a better version of yourself and have a better future relationship. But even with that knowledge, it doesn't diminish the pain that you're currently in because then, of course there is the dreaded self comparison and comparing yourself to their new partner on every possible dimension. We know that social comparison is entirely normal. It's an evolutionary process that really allows us to validate our own behaviors and ensure that they conform to some broader social norm. But when we engage in upward social comparison, especially with someone's new partner, whereby we see someone as better than us and subsequently reduce our own self worth, it can be really painful. And we all know that feeling of doing the sneaky Instagram stalk of their new person, don't lie. I know we've all done it, or you know, finding their own private getting a mutual friend to send you pictures. And of course our friends are always going to say the same thing. You know, she's not as pretty as you, she's a downgrade. They could they could never do better than you, And that's sadly probably not the case. And I think it really unnecessarily pits people, especially women, against each other. But it also feels like a bit of a consolation prize. It's probably not going to do much to minimize that burning question what does this new person have that I don't? And it's truly unanswerable and one that can cause such a self esteem spiral and also questions around, you know, our desirability, especially when we still inherently care about the opinion of our former partner despite our best intentions. I think it's a rather ironic experience because there was obviously some reason you two didn't work. There had to be something, whether it was distance, incompatibility, you know, maybe you're always fighting, even something sinister like cheating. And yet, like I said before, those reasons tend to not be so obvious to us in those moments when we are considering them being happier with someone else. There's a reason why this is. It's this concept called rosy retrospection, and it's a cognitive bias whereby we remember past events more fondly and more positively than they actually were. It's because our brains are primed to remember emotionally salient memories over the terrible ones in order to maintain a sense of optimism and hope. You remember those beautiful intimate moments, the trips you took, the hogs, the kisses, the bursts of joy you know seeing them, but you suppressed the times when they made you feel terrible about yourself, when there was that anxiety, and those awful silences and those fights, because those memories are not the narrative that keeps us invested. The narrative that keeps us invested is the rosy recollection and retrospection. And in all of those good memories, we often crave the beginning of something new, a new person to obsess over, a new person to love, to have those memories with to replace the old ones. But also the fact that when we have an urge to remember and feel, we can no longer return to the previous source. So I think what's important to talk about here is the notion of the rebound. It had to come up, the dreaded rebound. I think one of the worst things we can do after the end of a relationship is to use others to heal, to patch up that emotional scar. And chances are if your ex is with someone in the weeks or maybe the month after the end of your relationship, the depth of that new relationship is going to be rather superficial. The rebound kind of takes up the space that was left by the previous partner, and it provides both the stability and distraction from the loss rather than working through it. We've talked about the anxiety distraction feedback loop before, but we can also adapt that to the longing and distress feedback loop. Longing is an uncomfortable feeling, one that we would rather avoid, but also one that will naturally come up after a breakup, and so subconsciously we seek out a distraction in this situation. Maybe that's in the form of a new partner, because those new experiences allows us to avoid confronting those sad feelings. In one of the limited studies that is available on the psychology of the rebound, these researchers found that focusing on someone new actually helps anxiously attached people in particular get over their old partner. And you know, go bless all the people who have experienced being the rebound before. I know how much it sucks. I once had someone tell me that I'd really helped him get over his acts, and how grateful he was for me, so shout out to them. But for some I have noticed this sense of competition of who can move on the fastest, who can win the race, who can prove to the other that they are the first ones to get over it. It probably derives from some of that innate hostility that tends to bubble up after the fact, but also some of that psychological closure and relief that we get from being in a new relationship. And of course there are also gender differences. Some self reported surveys and studies do suggest that men recover from breakups much faster than women, and they are quicker to move on. However, the typical time it takes to heal and fully in quotation marks but it's on average around six months. It takes a good amount of time to process things. So if your ex is already posting their new person three weeks after you and you're dealing with that sting of you know, did I really mean anything to them? I can promise you they most likely definitely haven't forgotten about you. They've still got a lot of healing work to do that they're probably not even aware of. But I think the mindset shift that we need to have is so, what if they have forgotten about us? Why should it bother you that they've moved on? Why do we still care? And although we can answer a lot of those questions now you know, the lack of psychological closure, the what if thinking, the rosy retrospection, the next stage is now, what what do we do next to stop caring, to close that chapter and move on, perhaps not into any relationship, but to a place of almost like mental freedom. Well that's really the question of the day, isn't it. So we're going to dive into that and so much more in just a second. To ultimately stop caring, we need to understand the process by which we move on and can provide ourselves with the emotional closure that was perhaps not given to us at the end of the relationship. That lack of emotional closure is I think what really triggers those unpleasant feelings associated with our ex dating someone new. I think when we learn our ex has moved on, we want to do one of two things. Number one is to completely self isolate, maybe due to the shame of this perceived rejection, to kind of lick our wooans, languish in the self pity and that's okay. Self pity feels nice because it provides us with the emotional validation and the permission to feel sad that perhaps we really need, that we really need to experience the second option. The second way of doing things, I think is the complete opposite, and it's to go absolutely feral and do everything in our power to move on, particularly by using other people. This is where we download Tinder, We go on a million first dates, we end up in horrendously unfulfilling situationships, we go out every night. It's really just a defense mechanism for avoiding those confronting emotions what we would call escapism or displacement. So in psychology, displacement occurs when we satisfy an impulse with a substitute object. You know, we can't get back at our ex by yelling or screaming or by having a fight, So we're going to displace our anger by getting with other people, hoping that that will hurt them the way their decision or their new relationship has hurt us. We want to in some ways level the playing field. I think we all inherently know that this initially pleasant sensation of using other people to make us feel better is not going to last. It's just a short term way of suppressing our true feelings that is, unfortunately not a solution. The age old saying goes that the only way out is through. You are allowed to feel upset and angry and disappointed. In fact, a lot of those psychological theories surrounding breakups would support this reaction. I want to quickly look at the addiction model and the stages of grief model as an explanation for why we should allow ourselves to feel this hurt deeply and then what to do next. So the addiction model of heartbreak is kind of this psychological concept that likens the experience of heartbreak to that of a drug addiction. It suggests that the emotional pain and the distress that we feel after romantic breakup is similar to the withdrawal symptoms experienced by people trying to break free from a substance addiction. So why is that the case. Well, romantic love and attachment triggers the release of certain neurochemicals in the brain that are very similar to the ones triggered by things like nicotine or things like hard drugs, things like dopamine and Oxytocin those are associated with the pleasure and bonding we experience in a relationship, but they're also associated with addiction. So when the relationship ends, the sudden withdrawal of these chemicals leads to those feelings of sadness, anxiety, and even physical symptoms like nausea headaches that are similar to a withdrawal from a substance or from drugs. Just like substance uses my experienced cravings, when we're going through heartbreak, we may experience cravings for the presence, affection, and attention of our ex partner, and these lead to things like obsessive thinking and a desire to reconnect or to relapse. In other words, however, these cravings are very much neurological, and when we don't satisfy them by going no contact, by giving it time, they will start to lessen. You have to push those cravings that withdrawal, the potential for relapse, that temptation. You need to push that out of your mind and really power through in order to rewire your neurochemistry away from this person to more positive things in your life. But this does explain why we hurt so much, but also how we can move forward. Similar to this is what we call the stages of grief. This model is typically used to be applied to what we go through after a death, after someone dies who we love, but a lot of people do argue that the intensity of the grief after a breakup is very similar to the grief associated with death. As we explained earlier, it can be exacerbated by the realization that your ex has moved on. There is that sense of a closed chapter. There is that sense that you will not see them again. There is a real pain looking back at those positive memories. So to push through that emotional experience, you have to go through five unique states. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Denial is your brain's automatic response to unplace or unwanted news. It really is a protective mechanism. It gives your heart and your brain time to adjust to the new situation by not really facing reality. In the denial phase, you may think that your significant other your ex is coming back to you because it initially protects you from those unpleasant feelings. You might even be in shock. You cannot feel the full extent of what it meant for that relationship to end. Anger is next you may really resent this person for what you've gone through. All of their negative qualities are very very clear. You really hate them. But I do think it's important to remember it's just a natural reaction to your hurt. You don't really hate them, because what comes next is the bargaining phase, where you may try to restore your relationship or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship. This can be disastrous. If you have ever listened to my episode with my ex where we talk about being friends, please just know that this was me, you know, very squarely being in the bargaining stage, and what followed that was the depression, was the real sadness. You know, anger and bargaining. They feel very active, we are angry at this person, we are trying to get them back, But depression is very quiet, it's very very sad. It's where the real breakup I think begins, the tears, the sadness, and often it's where we get stuck and we can't seem to move on. I think there's no accurate assessment as to how long this will stay this way, but I think is always time is nature's best remedy, and in time, all of these negative feelings will pass. I really, I promise you that, and with that comes in acceptance, the best and the final stage. It's where we experience the release of all of these heavy emotions and memories. Ultimately, you're going to realize that this relationship needed to end for all the right reasons, that you are better off and you will be okay. I also think that it's at this point that you are ready to date again, because you have worked through every stage of this natural cycle of the death of the relationship. It's likely that if your ex has moved on very quickly within a few months, even they haven't gone through this process, so they are stuck somewhere in between, perhaps in denial or anger, but they're using this new relationship as a distraction. The argument attached to this theory suggests that everyone will have to go through these stages eventually, and what you don't heal before a new relationship will inevitably create problems in your next relationship. So I think we've established what your first steps are. Number One, you have to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that's bubbling up below the surface, whether that is jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness. Each of these emotions is valid and it's your time to listen to all of those amazing breakup songs to wallow, because avoidance and avoiding this state is just going to cause more stress, especially if you're reacting very poorly or you're very upset about them moving on with someone new. There was a recent scientific study and it explored avoidance as a coping mechanism, especially at the end of a relationship, and what they found was that things like withdrawal, resignation, perhaps moving on with someone new too quickly, they all produced negative, maladaptive outcomes compared to active coping styles like self compassion, like redirection, and sublimation. So sublimation is particularly powerful. It's a coping mechanism where we redirect our unacceptable urges to lash out, to say cruel things, all of that hurt, and we channel them into something positive. Here's the thing. Resentment and anger are incredibly strong motivators. If you have ever wanted to run a marathon, or launch a new business, or start a new project, this is probably a great time to do it because you have so much emotional energy that is looking for a safe space to land, that is looking for an outlet. Secondly, I think it goes without saying. I've said it time and time again, but do not get into a new relationship, especially if it's in retaliation to your ex's actions or new partner. People are going to heal at very different speeds, so you need to reflect on whether your decision to date is coming from a meaningful place or one of vengeance. There's this idea called repetition compulsion, so if you have been hurt in the past, you can be very tempted to rush into a new relationship with people who are wrong for you because you're subconsciously trying to fix the pain. But here are some important questions to ask yourself first. If you're planning on dating again, am I still regularly thinking about my ex? Why is that? Do I still imagine a future with them? What did that relationship teach me? And have I reflected and what it has taught me about myself? Are you actually interested in meeting new people or are you just seeking companionship? What are you actually looking for? What are you not looking for? And finally, am I okay? Are you okay or are you still grieving? And what kind of coping strategies have you put in place to protect your peace, protect your heart, and better yourself. There are obviously no right or wrong answers to these questions. All of your answers are going to be very much unique. It's more of a thinking exercise because I think if you answer these questions honestly, you will be able to come to the right conclusion about whether you have truly reached acceptance or you are just displacing your jealousy or your desires onto someone new or filling that hole with companionship. Thirdly, if your ex has moved on, take the higher ground. As the saying goes, I think success is truly the best revenge, and not because of what it brings the other person, but because of what it brings you move forward in silence, cultivate a beautiful life without the need for their input, without needing them to know about. When you allow your emotions, I think to overwhelm you and take control, what you're really doing is giving your ego control over your decisions. Don't message them saying how much they've hurt you, don't show up at the door, don't post any long rants on social media. Your silence and your peace are the most powerful things at your disposal. It's also important to reflect on all the good things your singleness brings you, rather than that bitterness towards your ex and their new relationship status. This is such an important mental exercise because I think we often don't feel valued in society unless we have a partner, and we face this stigma, this perception that we should be striving towards a new relationship, and what this does is it causes us to end up in the wrong relationships at the wrong time, with the wrong people. This is of course go to be exacerbated by seeing our ex in apparently a very happy new relationship and thinking that we should have that as well. But being single brings such a sense of freedom and independence that is insanely valuable, especially in this decade of life and our twenties, when our identity is still very much being formed. You have more time for your hobbies, for exercise, for meaningful moments with friends. I think also to travel without feeling like you're missing something or you're missing someone. You just genuinely know yourself better. And that's something that you cannot be said for people who jump from one relationship to the next because they are trying to suppress some emotion. Or some deep pain. This mindset shift from I'm so miserable that they moved on, I'm so lonely, I'm never going to find someone to You know, how amazing is it to be single? I get so much done, I feel so free, I'm so happy. That really allows you to shift from a victim mentality to a hero mentality or to a profound place of agency. It's also an amazing time to invest in your own development and self worth. You know you're listening to this podcast, so I think you're already on the right track. But choose one area in your life that you want to improve and work towards that higher outcome and that highest version of yourself, rather than for looking for a new relationship, you know, rather than ruminating on everything that was wrong with you that caused that relationship to end or caused your ex to move on so quickly. There are so few times in our lives when we are truly alone and not carrying the burdens of others or responsibility for their feelings. So you really need to embrace this chapter. I'm talking the daily walks, I'm talking journally, a clean room, a clear mind, regular therapy. If you can and cultivating beautiful friendships, cultivating beautiful and deep self awareness and self worth. I remember after my last breakup, I really kind of went into this realm of embracing my inner divine feminine. I wrote out my affirmations, I listened to music that made me feel powerful, and I saw every day as one more step between me and my ex, one more day that they knew nothing about. And when they inevitably moved on, I truly didn't care because I'd done all the work that I needed to do and I really just wanted them to be happy. I'd stepped into my power, my agency. I was so hyper focused on being the best version of myself and I didn't see moving on as competition. And I also didn't see it as them replacing me. Right, they found some that was better for them, and I'll find someone that's better for me, and that is all that we can kind of hope for. And that's something that I think a new relationship wasn't going to give me. A rebound, wasn't going to give me. It wasn't going to fulfill that need in the work I needed to do for myself. You know, at the end of the day, you're not your relationship status. And if your ex is choosing to move on really quickly with someone else, they haven't done the work that you are going to have the privilege to do. They're going to find themselves where you are now in six months time when that relationship inevitably falls apart, and you don't see all the struggles behind closed doors, you don't see what's going on in their mind. They may just be one of those people who needs to constantly be healing their emotional wounds by using others to fill them essentially, and that's not the kind of person that anyone listening to this pot cards is going to be. And as a final reminder, I just want to extend some love. I know so deeply how much this hurts, how it feels to perhaps be forgotten or feel replaced. That is not the case. That is definitely not the case. And even if it was, that has freed you, that has really allowed you to do the work that you need to do and allowed you to move on because they have kind of they've made their decision, They've put their cards on the table, and I think it actually does provide the emotional and psychological closure that is necessary to fully be liberated from an experience, or from a relationship, or from an ex partner. So they have really done you a solid. They've done a service for you. So thank you so much for listening to today's episode. I really enjoyed it. I think it is so fascinating to look at the science and the psychology behind why we feel this way, why it is normal, and to kind of eliminate some of that shame and that sense of you know, oh, I shouldn't feel bad, I shouldn't feel sad about this. You know, you totally should feel sad if you want to feel sad. It's a completely normal, natural psychological reaction to a breakup, to the after effects to an experience of rejection. So I hope that this episode has really helped you. As always, if there is someone in your life who is having this experience right now, whose X has moved on really quickly, you should send this to them. I really hope that they get something out of it. If you did enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now, and if you want more content more bonus episodes, please follow along at our Patreon. I really appreciate all the support you have provided me over there. And finally, oh my gosh, my ramble my spear at the end of these episodes is becoming very long. Need to do something about that. But if you're not already following me at Instagram, I'm at that psychology podcast. If you have an episode suggestion, actually, we're looking for some new ideas, so send it over and we might just have a look into it. So thank you so much for listening today and wishing you all the best. I'm sending you so much love and we will be back next week for another episode.

Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in the world, it is great to have you here. Back for another episode. This week, we're talking about an inevitable relationship moment concept that we are all going to encounter at some stage in our lives, whether that is in our twenties, which is typically when we have our first experience of this happening, or later in life. What do we do when our ex moves and further to that, why can it be so painful? I think that that is a question that a lot of ourselves have found ourselves asking and looking for an answer to. Breakups are never easy. We are emotionally bonded and attached to this person, and the aftermath can feel so confronting, like we're kind of navigating this storm of very confusing emotions. But what exactly happens when we see our former partner moving forward with their life seemingly over it over us unaffected by the breakup. I think it can be really heart wrenching and a really difficult experience leaves us grappling with feelings of rejection and longing and confusion. Even if we ourselves are in a new relationship or we don't have any unresolved feelings or it's been years, there is this aspect of finding out that your ex is dating someone new that is very psychologically confronting, and I think sometimes we don't understand exactly why that is. So in today's episode, that is exactly what we're going to talk about. I've been here quite a few times, each of them hurt just as much as the last. But I think that upon reflecting on those experiences, there's been some good lessons and good wisdom and maturity that has come out of it that hopefully I can share. So we're going to examine exactly what it is about your ex moving on that is so uniquely confronting. In particular, I really want to discuss what we think it says about us that perhaps we are replaceable, or that their new partner possesses something that we don't have, and how exactly that really injures our sense of self worth and our self concept. I think often in these moments, we forget exactly why we are not with that, why that relationship had to come to an end, and all we remember are the good times, the happy memories. There's this idea in psychology known as rosy retrospection, and I want to show how that keeps us stuck in a narrative of longing and expectation rather than allowing us to move on, but also going to touch on ideas of sunk costs, the addiction model of heartbreak, expecting thinking, social comparison, so much more. There is a lot of science behind this that I think could be really, really helpful. But really at the heart of today's episode is what's next when the chapter finally closes, what do we do? I think it goes without saying that jumping into a new relationship or finding a rebound is not particularly healthy, Nor is lashing out at your ex you know, going to do what they want to do. You cannot control their emotions when that happens. I think what we're really doing also is letting our ego overtake our rational brain. In fact, I think moving on and moving forward in silence is our best bet So I want to go through four key strategies to kind of finally find that acceptance at the end of a relationship, especially after how X has seemingly found someone else and dealing with all of the uncomfortable emotions that that brings up. Trust me, I know it really hurts right now. But there is a reason your feeling this way, one that has so much to do with our human psychology. So we are going to explore all of that and so much more in this episode. I'm excited to dive into it and perhaps help someone out there who was in this situation. You're not alone. I've been there, done that, got the T shirts. So without further ado, let's jump into what to do when your ex moves on. Okay, so, if you're listening to this, I'm guessing that you are in that tricky place or realization that your ex is with someone new. First of all, that absolutely sucks, and it can be so emotionally intense, especially if your breakup was only recently. I feel a lot of sympathy for your situation, but hopefully I can provide you with a bit of wisdom from my own experience. My friends actually have this joke that I'm a foster girlfriend for all of my exes they date me, I fix all of their emotional unavailability and immaturity and send them off to the next person who they inevitably start dating fairly long term. I've been there quite a few times. It is such a repeat experience for me, but I think I've gotten it down to a bit of a science as to what to do in this situation. That's really what I want to share today. But firstly, we need to examine why this experience brings up so many negative feelings of rejection, of jealousy, of poor self worth, and so much more, and also anger and guilt and confusion. I find it so interesting that we can feel so fine with our decision that that relationship needed to end until we learn that there was someone new, and then suddenly all of those reasons don't seem so meaningful anymore. It's not going to surprise any of you. I hope that there is obviously a lot of psychology behind this reaction. When we are in a relationship with someone, we develop a very deep emotional attachment to them through things like shared memories, physical connection, intimacy, proximity, repeated interactions, and of course, an expectation about the future. All of these experiences are incredibly psychologically bonding, especially things like frequent positive interactions. They create a real sense of familiarity and comfort, and they also create biological reactions, including the release of hormones like oxytocin, which we colloquially know as the bonding hormone. That is what promotes this intense closeness. Even if maybe you guys were never official, even if it was a situationship, our brains don't understand that. All they understand is, here is this person who is fulfilling this need for me, who is providing me with this closeness, who is touching me, who I trust. That is what's important for us and for our brains. When that relationship ends, this abrupt ending of those positive experiences, the disc can and that loss of a future together is incredibly profound, and seeing someone with your ex seeing them with someone new intensifies those feelings and it triggers emotional pain. I think an element of why that is particularly upsetting is because it makes you confront the finality of the breakup. Whilst you are both single, there could still have been this sense of expectation that maybe things will change, especially when there are unresolved feelings involved there. Our body and our brains still crave this person because it doesn't forget that bond overnight or even within a few weeks. And when they seemingly replace us, that really solidifies the end of the chapter. There is no more expectant thinking. It's where I think the breakup truly starts, primarily because it forces us to find that closure that maybe we didn't previously have, that that relationship is done. It eliminates the what if thinking there is someone else in our shoes. It's why I think seeing them with someone new is particularly kind of painful and hurtful, because maybe you haven't reflected on what you really thought was going to happen. Maybe you hadn't really thought that someone else would one day be in your position with that person, experiencing all of those beautiful memories, but you're not in them. There's someone new in those memories. There's a few other psychological elements to this as well. When our ex starts dating someone new, we feel the full impact of what we call sunk costs. There's this concept called the sunk cost fallacy that I think really applies to the decisions we make towards ex partners, especially if we've been with them for a long time. When we invest a lot of time and energy into something, we feel a greater sense of commitment to follow that through and to keep putting time into this, into this relationship, even if it's not working. The reason why is because walking away or giving up would mean all of those resources, all of those hours, they're lost. They cannot be recovered. And when this person who we've invested in the past starts dating someone new, it makes us acutely aware of what we have given up and what we feel like we've wasted. The love, the time, the intimacy. Maybe that could have gone somewhere else, Maybe that could have been poured into someone better. Of course, I think no experience is ever a waste. We learn more from breakups sometimes than I think we learn from our relationships. You know, from a personal experience. I am so immensely grateful for those experiences of being hurt, having to see someone I once loved move on, because it profoundly changed my opinion myself. I wanted to do better, I wanted to be better, be happier and healthier, rather than just using someone else to take away that sadness, and I think in the long term we are rewarded for that choice. But it links to this other element as well, And I think the reason we struggle with our X moving on so quickly is that it combines the very physical and emotional after effects of a breakup with a further sense of rejection and diminished self esteem. Specifically, I think we wonder what their decision says about us. Really, it doesn't say much about us at all, but in that state of delusion and confusion, we think, if they were able to find someone so quickly, if they have apparently already moved on, does that mean we're replaceable, or that the intensity of those feelings were one sided? Or does it mean that there's something wrong with me that I haven't moved on yet, that I haven't found someone else. Self esteem after a breakup is already greatly diminished due to that lack of certainty, due to that confusion and our efforts to reclaim those individual aspects of our identity that make you feel independent and unique beyond that person. So seeing them move on makes you feel inadequate, and it makes you question whether everything that this person validated in you is perhaps not that special, especially if your connection could be that easily forgotten. If someone meant a lot to you, it's only natural to want them to feel the same way about you. This incredible article explained it this way. When we see our ex with someone else, this may trigger doubts and insecurities over how your partner truly felt about you in the relationship. Even if you want your ex to be happy now, it's normal to question whether they truly loved you as much as they said they did. There's also this component of if you only broke up a little while back, were they with someone else, were they already out looking, had they already lost interest in you whilst you were still in a committed relationship. Now, if that experience is a repeated pattern, if your ex partners are always the first to move on, that further reinforces this false belief that somehow you were inadequate or you were just a pit stop before these people find the person they're really meant to be with, and from that can come an intense self pity. I've been there, you know. Every time I've heard about one of my exes dating someone new or even being engaged. It has happened. It does kind of sting a bit because that hasn't been my experience, but you know how I imagine it. I always think these people were all just kind of side characters in the greater journey I'm on. Their chapter is closed, which is very unfortunate for them, and they only exist in that chapter and nowhere else. They have forwarded my story and my growth, and they also owe me nothing, but I really owe them a whole lot because they've only made me so much better. You know, it's interesting because I'm actually dating someone at the moment, which I haven't really spoken about on the podcast, you know, just for their privacy and also to see how things go. But one question he asked me when we first started talking was what did your last relationship teach you about yourself? And what I said is that it taught me what I deserve. And he asked me, you know, what is it that you deserve? And I told him I knew my answer because in all of those moments where I was treated poorly or disappointed, it acted as a signal to me of a need that these people were not meeting. I guess your time will come and you will have done the work to be a better version of yourself and have a better future relationship. But even with that knowledge, it doesn't diminish the pain that you're currently in because then, of course there is the dreaded self comparison and comparing yourself to their new partner on every possible dimension. We know that social comparison is entirely normal. It's an evolutionary process that really allows us to validate our own behaviors and ensure that they conform to some broader social norm. But when we engage in upward social comparison, especially with someone's new partner, whereby we see someone as better than us and subsequently reduce our own self worth, it can be really painful. And we all know that feeling of doing the sneaky Instagram stalk of their new person, don't lie. I know we've all done it, or you know, finding their own private getting a mutual friend to send you pictures. And of course our friends are always going to say the same thing. You know, she's not as pretty as you, she's a downgrade. They could they could never do better than you, And that's sadly probably not the case. And I think it really unnecessarily pits people, especially women, against each other. But it also feels like a bit of a consolation prize. It's probably not going to do much to minimize that burning question what does this new person have that I don't? And it's truly unanswerable and one that can cause such a self esteem spiral and also questions around, you know, our desirability, especially when we still inherently care about the opinion of our former partner despite our best intentions. I think it's a rather ironic experience because there was obviously some reason you two didn't work. There had to be something, whether it was distance, incompatibility, you know, maybe you're always fighting, even something sinister like cheating. And yet, like I said before, those reasons tend to not be so obvious to us in those moments when we are considering them being happier with someone else. There's a reason why this is. It's this concept called rosy retrospection, and it's a cognitive bias whereby we remember past events more fondly and more positively than they actually were. It's because our brains are primed to remember emotionally salient memories over the terrible ones in order to maintain a sense of optimism and hope. You remember those beautiful intimate moments, the trips you took, the hogs, the kisses, the bursts of joy you know seeing them, but you suppressed the times when they made you feel terrible about yourself, when there was that anxiety, and those awful silences and those fights, because those memories are not the narrative that keeps us invested. The narrative that keeps us invested is the rosy recollection and retrospection. And in all of those good memories, we often crave the beginning of something new, a new person to obsess over, a new person to love, to have those memories with to replace the old ones. But also the fact that when we have an urge to remember and feel, we can no longer return to the previous source. So I think what's important to talk about here is the notion of the rebound. It had to come up, the dreaded rebound. I think one of the worst things we can do after the end of a relationship is to use others to heal, to patch up that emotional scar. And chances are if your ex is with someone in the weeks or maybe the month after the end of your relationship, the depth of that new relationship is going to be rather superficial. The rebound kind of takes up the space that was left by the previous partner, and it provides both the stability and distraction from the loss rather than working through it. We've talked about the anxiety distraction feedback loop before, but we can also adapt that to the longing and distress feedback loop. Longing is an uncomfortable feeling, one that we would rather avoid, but also one that will naturally come up after a breakup, and so subconsciously we seek out a distraction in this situation. Maybe that's in the form of a new partner, because those new experiences allows us to avoid confronting those sad feelings. In one of the limited studies that is available on the psychology of the rebound, these researchers found that focusing on someone new actually helps anxiously attached people in particular get over their old partner. And you know, go bless all the people who have experienced being the rebound before. I know how much it sucks. I once had someone tell me that I'd really helped him get over his acts, and how grateful he was for me, so shout out to them. But for some I have noticed this sense of competition of who can move on the fastest, who can win the race, who can prove to the other that they are the first ones to get over it. It probably derives from some of that innate hostility that tends to bubble up after the fact, but also some of that psychological closure and relief that we get from being in a new relationship. And of course there are also gender differences. Some self reported surveys and studies do suggest that men recover from breakups much faster than women, and they are quicker to move on. However, the typical time it takes to heal and fully in quotation marks but it's on average around six months. It takes a good amount of time to process things. So if your ex is already posting their new person three weeks after you and you're dealing with that sting of you know, did I really mean anything to them? I can promise you they most likely definitely haven't forgotten about you. They've still got a lot of healing work to do that they're probably not even aware of. But I think the mindset shift that we need to have is so, what if they have forgotten about us? Why should it bother you that they've moved on? Why do we still care? And although we can answer a lot of those questions now you know, the lack of psychological closure, the what if thinking, the rosy retrospection, the next stage is now, what what do we do next to stop caring, to close that chapter and move on, perhaps not into any relationship, but to a place of almost like mental freedom. Well that's really the question of the day, isn't it. So we're going to dive into that and so much more in just a second. To ultimately stop caring, we need to understand the process by which we move on and can provide ourselves with the emotional closure that was perhaps not given to us at the end of the relationship. That lack of emotional closure is I think what really triggers those unpleasant feelings associated with our ex dating someone new. I think when we learn our ex has moved on, we want to do one of two things. Number one is to completely self isolate, maybe due to the shame of this perceived rejection, to kind of lick our wooans, languish in the self pity and that's okay. Self pity feels nice because it provides us with the emotional validation and the permission to feel sad that perhaps we really need, that we really need to experience the second option. The second way of doing things, I think is the complete opposite, and it's to go absolutely feral and do everything in our power to move on, particularly by using other people. This is where we download Tinder, We go on a million first dates, we end up in horrendously unfulfilling situationships, we go out every night. It's really just a defense mechanism for avoiding those confronting emotions what we would call escapism or displacement. So in psychology, displacement occurs when we satisfy an impulse with a substitute object. You know, we can't get back at our ex by yelling or screaming or by having a fight, So we're going to displace our anger by getting with other people, hoping that that will hurt them the way their decision or their new relationship has hurt us. We want to in some ways level the playing field. I think we all inherently know that this initially pleasant sensation of using other people to make us feel better is not going to last. It's just a short term way of suppressing our true feelings that is, unfortunately not a solution. The age old saying goes that the only way out is through. You are allowed to feel upset and angry and disappointed. In fact, a lot of those psychological theories surrounding breakups would support this reaction. I want to quickly look at the addiction model and the stages of grief model as an explanation for why we should allow ourselves to feel this hurt deeply and then what to do next. So the addiction model of heartbreak is kind of this psychological concept that likens the experience of heartbreak to that of a drug addiction. It suggests that the emotional pain and the distress that we feel after romantic breakup is similar to the withdrawal symptoms experienced by people trying to break free from a substance addiction. So why is that the case. Well, romantic love and attachment triggers the release of certain neurochemicals in the brain that are very similar to the ones triggered by things like nicotine or things like hard drugs, things like dopamine and Oxytocin those are associated with the pleasure and bonding we experience in a relationship, but they're also associated with addiction. So when the relationship ends, the sudden withdrawal of these chemicals leads to those feelings of sadness, anxiety, and even physical symptoms like nausea headaches that are similar to a withdrawal from a substance or from drugs. Just like substance uses my experienced cravings, when we're going through heartbreak, we may experience cravings for the presence, affection, and attention of our ex partner, and these lead to things like obsessive thinking and a desire to reconnect or to relapse. In other words, however, these cravings are very much neurological, and when we don't satisfy them by going no contact, by giving it time, they will start to lessen. You have to push those cravings that withdrawal, the potential for relapse, that temptation. You need to push that out of your mind and really power through in order to rewire your neurochemistry away from this person to more positive things in your life. But this does explain why we hurt so much, but also how we can move forward. Similar to this is what we call the stages of grief. This model is typically used to be applied to what we go through after a death, after someone dies who we love, but a lot of people do argue that the intensity of the grief after a breakup is very similar to the grief associated with death. As we explained earlier, it can be exacerbated by the realization that your ex has moved on. There is that sense of a closed chapter. There is that sense that you will not see them again. There is a real pain looking back at those positive memories. So to push through that emotional experience, you have to go through five unique states. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Denial is your brain's automatic response to unplace or unwanted news. It really is a protective mechanism. It gives your heart and your brain time to adjust to the new situation by not really facing reality. In the denial phase, you may think that your significant other your ex is coming back to you because it initially protects you from those unpleasant feelings. You might even be in shock. You cannot feel the full extent of what it meant for that relationship to end. Anger is next you may really resent this person for what you've gone through. All of their negative qualities are very very clear. You really hate them. But I do think it's important to remember it's just a natural reaction to your hurt. You don't really hate them, because what comes next is the bargaining phase, where you may try to restore your relationship or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship. This can be disastrous. If you have ever listened to my episode with my ex where we talk about being friends, please just know that this was me, you know, very squarely being in the bargaining stage, and what followed that was the depression, was the real sadness. You know, anger and bargaining. They feel very active, we are angry at this person, we are trying to get them back, But depression is very quiet, it's very very sad. It's where the real breakup I think begins, the tears, the sadness, and often it's where we get stuck and we can't seem to move on. I think there's no accurate assessment as to how long this will stay this way, but I think is always time is nature's best remedy, and in time, all of these negative feelings will pass. I really, I promise you that, and with that comes in acceptance, the best and the final stage. It's where we experience the release of all of these heavy emotions and memories. Ultimately, you're going to realize that this relationship needed to end for all the right reasons, that you are better off and you will be okay. I also think that it's at this point that you are ready to date again, because you have worked through every stage of this natural cycle of the death of the relationship. It's likely that if your ex has moved on very quickly within a few months, even they haven't gone through this process, so they are stuck somewhere in between, perhaps in denial or anger, but they're using this new relationship as a distraction. The argument attached to this theory suggests that everyone will have to go through these stages eventually, and what you don't heal before a new relationship will inevitably create problems in your next relationship. So I think we've established what your first steps are. Number One, you have to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that's bubbling up below the surface, whether that is jealousy, bitterness, anger, sadness. Each of these emotions is valid and it's your time to listen to all of those amazing breakup songs to wallow, because avoidance and avoiding this state is just going to cause more stress, especially if you're reacting very poorly or you're very upset about them moving on with someone new. There was a recent scientific study and it explored avoidance as a coping mechanism, especially at the end of a relationship, and what they found was that things like withdrawal, resignation, perhaps moving on with someone new too quickly, they all produced negative, maladaptive outcomes compared to active coping styles like self compassion, like redirection, and sublimation. So sublimation is particularly powerful. It's a coping mechanism where we redirect our unacceptable urges to lash out, to say cruel things, all of that hurt, and we channel them into something positive. Here's the thing. Resentment and anger are incredibly strong motivators. If you have ever wanted to run a marathon, or launch a new business, or start a new project, this is probably a great time to do it because you have so much emotional energy that is looking for a safe space to land, that is looking for an outlet. Secondly, I think it goes without saying. I've said it time and time again, but do not get into a new relationship, especially if it's in retaliation to your ex's actions or new partner. People are going to heal at very different speeds, so you need to reflect on whether your decision to date is coming from a meaningful place or one of vengeance. There's this idea called repetition compulsion, so if you have been hurt in the past, you can be very tempted to rush into a new relationship with people who are wrong for you because you're subconsciously trying to fix the pain. But here are some important questions to ask yourself first. If you're planning on dating again, am I still regularly thinking about my ex? Why is that? Do I still imagine a future with them? What did that relationship teach me? And have I reflected and what it has taught me about myself? Are you actually interested in meeting new people or are you just seeking companionship? What are you actually looking for? What are you not looking for? And finally, am I okay? Are you okay or are you still grieving? And what kind of coping strategies have you put in place to protect your peace, protect your heart, and better yourself. There are obviously no right or wrong answers to these questions. All of your answers are going to be very much unique. It's more of a thinking exercise because I think if you answer these questions honestly, you will be able to come to the right conclusion about whether you have truly reached acceptance or you are just displacing your jealousy or your desires onto someone new or filling that hole with companionship. Thirdly, if your ex has moved on, take the higher ground. As the saying goes, I think success is truly the best revenge, and not because of what it brings the other person, but because of what it brings you move forward in silence, cultivate a beautiful life without the need for their input, without needing them to know about. When you allow your emotions, I think to overwhelm you and take control, what you're really doing is giving your ego control over your decisions. Don't message them saying how much they've hurt you, don't show up at the door, don't post any long rants on social media. Your silence and your peace are the most powerful things at your disposal. It's also important to reflect on all the good things your singleness brings you, rather than that bitterness towards your ex and their new relationship status. This is such an important mental exercise because I think we often don't feel valued in society unless we have a partner, and we face this stigma, this perception that we should be striving towards a new relationship, and what this does is it causes us to end up in the wrong relationships at the wrong time, with the wrong people. This is of course go to be exacerbated by seeing our ex in apparently a very happy new relationship and thinking that we should have that as well. But being single brings such a sense of freedom and independence that is insanely valuable, especially in this decade of life and our twenties, when our identity is still very much being formed. You have more time for your hobbies, for exercise, for meaningful moments with friends. I think also to travel without feeling like you're missing something or you're missing someone. You just genuinely know yourself better. And that's something that you cannot be said for people who jump from one relationship to the next because they are trying to suppress some emotion. Or some deep pain. This mindset shift from I'm so miserable that they moved on, I'm so lonely, I'm never going to find someone to You know, how amazing is it to be single? I get so much done, I feel so free, I'm so happy. That really allows you to shift from a victim mentality to a hero mentality or to a profound place of agency. It's also an amazing time to invest in your own development and self worth. You know you're listening to this podcast, so I think you're already on the right track. But choose one area in your life that you want to improve and work towards that higher outcome and that highest version of yourself, rather than for looking for a new relationship, you know, rather than ruminating on everything that was wrong with you that caused that relationship to end or caused your ex to move on so quickly. There are so few times in our lives when we are truly alone and not carrying the burdens of others or responsibility for their feelings. So you really need to embrace this chapter. I'm talking the daily walks, I'm talking journally, a clean room, a clear mind, regular therapy. If you can and cultivating beautiful friendships, cultivating beautiful and deep self awareness and self worth. I remember after my last breakup, I really kind of went into this realm of embracing my inner divine feminine. I wrote out my affirmations, I listened to music that made me feel powerful, and I saw every day as one more step between me and my ex, one more day that they knew nothing about. And when they inevitably moved on, I truly didn't care because I'd done all the work that I needed to do and I really just wanted them to be happy. I'd stepped into my power, my agency. I was so hyper focused on being the best version of myself and I didn't see moving on as competition. And I also didn't see it as them replacing me. Right, they found some that was better for them, and I'll find someone that's better for me, and that is all that we can kind of hope for. And that's something that I think a new relationship wasn't going to give me. A rebound, wasn't going to give me. It wasn't going to fulfill that need in the work I needed to do for myself. You know, at the end of the day, you're not your relationship status. And if your ex is choosing to move on really quickly with someone else, they haven't done the work that you are going to have the privilege to do. They're going to find themselves where you are now in six months time when that relationship inevitably falls apart, and you don't see all the struggles behind closed doors, you don't see what's going on in their mind. They may just be one of those people who needs to constantly be healing their emotional wounds by using others to fill them essentially, and that's not the kind of person that anyone listening to this pot cards is going to be. And as a final reminder, I just want to extend some love. I know so deeply how much this hurts, how it feels to perhaps be forgotten or feel replaced. That is not the case. That is definitely not the case. And even if it was, that has freed you, that has really allowed you to do the work that you need to do and allowed you to move on because they have kind of they've made their decision, They've put their cards on the table, and I think it actually does provide the emotional and psychological closure that is necessary to fully be liberated from an experience, or from a relationship, or from an ex partner. So they have really done you a solid. They've done a service for you. So thank you so much for listening to today's episode. I really enjoyed it. I think it is so fascinating to look at the science and the psychology behind why we feel this way, why it is normal, and to kind of eliminate some of that shame and that sense of you know, oh, I shouldn't feel bad, I shouldn't feel sad about this. You know, you totally should feel sad if you want to feel sad. It's a completely normal, natural psychological reaction to a breakup, to the after effects to an experience of rejection. So I hope that this episode has really helped you. As always, if there is someone in your life who is having this experience right now, whose X has moved on really quickly, you should send this to them. I really hope that they get something out of it. If you did enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now, and if you want more content more bonus episodes, please follow along at our Patreon. I really appreciate all the support you have provided me over there. And finally, oh my gosh, my ramble my spear at the end of these episodes is becoming very long. Need to do something about that. But if you're not already following me at Instagram, I'm at that psychology podcast. If you have an episode suggestion, actually, we're looking for some new ideas, so send it over and we might just have a look into it. So thank you so much for listening today and wishing you all the best. I'm sending you so much love and we will be back next week for another episode.