Get $200 off your Tonal purchase! Get a complete gym + a trainer in your home by going to http://tonal.com, then use promo code LOVERS for that big discount.

—
In this episode of Lovers, I’m joined by Aida Mariam Davis, author of Kindred Creation: Parables and Paradigms for Freedom, to explore one question: Is your sex life by design?

We unpack the idea that so much of our sexual identity isn’t accidental, it’s constructed. From childhood messaging that disconnects us from our bodies, to adulthood expectations that swing between repression and performance, Aida breaks down how Western culture creates a fragmented relationship with intimacy. The result? A sex life that often feels confusing, isolating, or performative rather than intentional and embodied.

Together, we explore what it looks like to reclaim your sexuality on your own terms. Aida shares how her relationship with her husband was rooted in freedom, patience, and self-possession, not pressure or performance, and how that created the foundation for deeper intimacy, trust, and desire.

This conversation will challenge what you’ve been taught about sex, and invite you to design something that actually fits you.



Resources mentioned
→ What If Your Sex Life Is By Design? | Intimate Life Audit: https://www.loversbyshan.com/resource/what-if-your-sex-life-is-by-design-intimate-life-audit

→ A Guide to the Sexual Journey As We Grow: https://www.loversbyshan.com/resource/normal-sexual-development-from-0-18 



Follow Aida Mariam Davis
→ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aidamariam/
→ Learn more about Decolonize Design: https://www.decolonizedesign.com/ 
→ Get her book Kindred Creation: Parables and Paradigms for Freedom https://rep.club/products/kindred-creation?srsltid=AfmBOor4haNsPUvlYWcMk7oxSWdcmG-yZCTBeLjGtTDoFO_IaJXU_Jwj

 

Want more Lover?
Receive the weekly Love Letter → http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter
Join the Lovers Community → https://www.loversbyshan.com/community
Explore quizzes and worksheets → http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes

Get $200 off your Tonal purchase! Get a complete gym + a trainer in your home by going to http://tonal.com, then use promo code LOVERS for that big discount. &mdash; In this episode of Lovers, I&rsquo;m joined by Aida Mariam Davis, author of Kindred Creation: Parables and Paradigms for Freedom, to explore one question: Is your sex life by design? We unpack the idea that so much of our sexual identity isn&rsquo;t accidental, it&rsquo;s constructed. From childhood messaging that disconnects us from our bodies, to adulthood expectations that swing between repression and performance, Aida breaks down how Western culture creates a fragmented relationship with intimacy. The result? A sex life that often feels confusing, isolating, or performative rather than intentional and embodied. Together, we explore what it looks like to reclaim your sexuality on your own terms. Aida shares how her relationship with her husband was rooted in freedom, patience, and self-possession, not pressure or performance, and how that created the foundation for deeper intimacy, trust, and desire. This conversation will challenge what you&rsquo;ve been taught about sex, and invite you to design something that actually fits you. 
Resources mentioned &rarr; What If Your Sex Life Is By Design? | Intimate Life Audit: https://www.loversbyshan.com/resource/what-if-your-sex-life-is-by-design-intimate-life-audit
&rarr; A Guide to the Sexual Journey As We Grow: <a href="https://www.loversbyshan.com/resource/normal-sexual-development-from-0-18">https://www.loversbyshan.com/resource/normal-sexual-development-from-0-18</a>&nbsp; 
Follow Aida Mariam Davis &rarr; Instagram: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/aidamariam/">https://www.instagram.com/aidamariam/</a> &rarr; Learn more about Decolonize Design: <a href="https://www.decolonizedesign.com/">https://www.decolonizedesign.com/</a>&nbsp; &rarr; Get her book Kindred Creation: Parables and Paradigms for Freedom https://rep.club/products/kindred-creation?srsltid=AfmBOor4haNsPUvlYWcMk7oxSWdcmG-yZCTBeLjGtTDoFO_IaJXU_Jwj
&nbsp;
Want more Lover? Receive the weekly Love Letter &rarr; <a href="http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter">http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter</a> Join the Lovers Community &rarr; <a href="https://www.loversbyshan.com/community">https://www.loversbyshan.com/community</a> Explore quizzes and worksheets &rarr; http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes

Lovers by Shan is an education-first space where listeners come to better understand their own intimate lives through the life lessons and expertise of others. Shan Boodram’s mission is to empower everyone to be their own intimacy expert in the bedroom and beyond by treating guests of the podcast as educators in their own right.

Past guests include Kelly Rowland who taught us about being a sensualist. Becky G who shared the importance of healthy love in an unhealthy body. Kerry Washington who warned about the dangers of keeping secrets. Kamie Crawford who taught us about the joys of breaking up. Jesse Reyez who reminded us that it's alright to admit you're the one who let a good one get away.

When we paused in 2023 we had 5.1 million listeners and 8 million YouTube views. Excited to see how many lives we can impact in 2025 with our fresh look and approach.

Sales and Distribution by Lemonada Media https://lemonadamedia.com/  

Lovers by Shan is an education-first space where listeners come to better understand their own intimate lives through the life lessons and expertise of others. Shan Boodram&rsquo;s mission is to empower everyone to be their own intimacy expert in the bedroom and beyond by treating guests of the podcast as educators in their own right. Past guests include Kelly Rowland who taught us about being a sensualist. Becky G who shared the importance of healthy love in an unhealthy body. Kerry Washington who warned about the dangers of keeping secrets. Kamie Crawford who taught us about the joys of breaking up. Jesse Reyez who reminded us that it's alright to admit you're the one who let a good one get away. When we paused in 2023 we had 5.1 million listeners and 8 million YouTube views. Excited to see how many lives we can impact in 2025 with our fresh look and approach.
Sales and Distribution by Lemonada Media <a href="https://lemonadamedia.com/" data-stringify-link="https://lemonadamedia.com/" data-sk="tooltip_parent">https://lemonadamedia.com/</a>&nbsp;&nbsp;

LOVERS by shan

LOVERS by Shan

Why “Normal” Sex Doesn’t Work for Many Black and Brown Women Ft. Aida Mariam Davis

Have you taken my MasterClass yet? New subscribers get access to my class and hundreds of others starting at $10 per month. Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any MasterClass annual membership at http://masterclass.com/lovers 

________________________

In this episode of Lovers, I’m joined by Mark Manson, the bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope, and Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, to talk about what men actually think about before they propose, and why waiting doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Mark shares the story of how he “agonized” over proposing to his now wife of ten years. Despite being deeply in love, he struggled with doubt, timing, and the pressure to feel completely certain. The turning point came during a conversation with his stepmother, who told him she had been married for over thirty years and still couldn’t say with absolute certainty that she “knew” he was the one. That advice freed him from the illusion that certainty is required before commitment.

We also unpack my own proposal story with Jared, including the untold truth about the pressure I put on him to propose and what was actually happening behind the scenes. The story I shared online isn’t the full story, and in this episode, we fill in the missing pieces.

Lauren Morrison, my sister and the author of Be in the Room, joins as guest host. As a longtime fan of Mark Manson, she helps us dig into the myth of the two-year rule, the idea that if a man hasn’t proposed by a certain timeline, you must not be “the one,” and the false belief that real love comes with instant certainty.

This conversation challenges the cultural narrative that a proposal delay reflects doubt about your worth. Instead, it reveals how doubt is often part of the process, not a sign that something is wrong.

If you’ve ever wondered what’s taking so long, this episode is for you.



Get MasterClass Today

For real, what are you waiting for? My class on MasterClass is one of the best things I’ve ever done and I’m sure every other instructor would agree! 
Go to http://masterclass.com/lovers
Get an additional 15% off any MasterClass annual membership 

Follow Mark Manson

→ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/markmanson/
→ Listen to Mark’s podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/solved-with-mark-manson/id1247526593
→ Sign up for Purpose and experience Love Maps: https://purpose.app/

Follow Lauren Morrison


→ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachlaurenmorrison/
→ Get Lauren’s new book https://www.amazon.com/Be-Room-Shrinking-Leading-Purpose/dp/B0FM4HGYSP
→ Sign up for a free coaching consultation with Lauren https://www.beintheroomcoaching.com/work-with-lauren

Want more Lover?
Receive the weekly Love Letter → http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter
Join the Lovers Community → https://www.loversbyshan.com/community
Explore quizzes and worksheets → http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes 

Have you taken my MasterClass yet? New subscribers get access to my class and hundreds of others starting at $10 per month. Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any MasterClass annual membership at <a href="http://masterclass.com/lovers">http://masterclass.com/lovers</a>&nbsp;
________________________
In this episode of Lovers, I&rsquo;m joined by Mark Manson, the bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope, and Models: Attract Women Through Honesty, to talk about what men actually think about before they propose, and why waiting doesn&rsquo;t mean what you think it means. Mark shares the story of how he &ldquo;agonized&rdquo; over proposing to his now wife of ten years. Despite being deeply in love, he struggled with doubt, timing, and the pressure to feel completely certain. The turning point came during a conversation with his stepmother, who told him she had been married for over thirty years and still couldn&rsquo;t say with absolute certainty that she &ldquo;knew&rdquo; he was the one. That advice freed him from the illusion that certainty is required before commitment. We also unpack my own proposal story with Jared, including the untold truth about the pressure I put on him to propose and what was actually happening behind the scenes. The story I shared online isn&rsquo;t the full story, and in this episode, we fill in the missing pieces. Lauren Morrison, my sister and the author of Be in the Room, joins as guest host. As a longtime fan of Mark Manson, she helps us dig into the myth of the two-year rule, the idea that if a man hasn&rsquo;t proposed by a certain timeline, you must not be &ldquo;the one,&rdquo; and the false belief that real love comes with instant certainty. This conversation challenges the cultural narrative that a proposal delay reflects doubt about your worth. Instead, it reveals how doubt is often part of the process, not a sign that something is wrong. If you&rsquo;ve ever wondered what&rsquo;s taking so long, this episode is for you. 
Get MasterClass Today
For real, what are you waiting for? My class on MasterClass is one of the best things I&rsquo;ve ever done and I&rsquo;m sure every other instructor would agree! Go to <a href="http://masterclass.com/lovers">http://masterclass.com/lovers</a> Get an additional 15% off any MasterClass annual membership&nbsp;
Follow Mark Manson
&rarr; Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/markmanson/ &rarr; Listen to Mark&rsquo;s podcast: <a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/solved-with-mark-manson/id1247526593">https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/solved-with-mark-manson/id1247526593 </a>&rarr; Sign up for Purpose and experience Love Maps:&nbsp;<a href="https://purpose.app/">https://purpose.app/</a>
Follow Lauren Morrison 
&rarr; Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachlaurenmorrison/ &rarr; Get Lauren&rsquo;s new book https://www.amazon.com/Be-Room-Shrinking-Leading-Purpose/dp/B0FM4HGYSP &rarr; Sign up for a free coaching consultation with Lauren https://www.beintheroomcoaching.com/work-with-lauren Want more Lover? Receive the weekly Love Letter &rarr; <a href="http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter">http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter </a>Join the Lovers Community &rarr; <a href="https://www.loversbyshan.com/community">https://www.loversbyshan.com/community </a>Explore quizzes and worksheets &rarr; <a href="http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes">http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes</a>&nbsp;

What Men Actually Think About Before They Propose ft. Mark Manson

Thank you to Evvy for sponsoring today’s video! Go to https://evvy.yt.link/v90OvPp and use code LOVERSBYSHAN10 to get 10% off your first purchase (up to $25).

________________________

In this episode of Lovers, I sit down with actor DeWanda Wise to talk about what makes her marriage to actor Alano Miller genuinely healthy, not perfect, not performative, but well-matched.

DeWanda and Alano have been married since 2009 after dating for only three months. Now more than 15 years in, they frequently appear together at industry events and continue to build a partnership rooted in intentionality rather than assumption. Alano Miller, known for his roles in Underground and Jane the Virgin, shares a dynamic with DeWanda that is grounded in accountability and mutual respect.

One of the most impactful amendments in their marriage came from Christian counseling: don’t treat strangers better than you treat me. They hold each other accountable to extend the same kindness, patience, and curiosity at home that they offer the outside world. When one of them falls short, the response is not immediate condemnation but curiosity and course correction.

We explore the delicate balance between accepting your partner and enabling harmful patterns, and what it truly means to be well-suited to love someone as they are. DeWanda challenges the idea that being “too much” is always a flaw, suggesting instead that compatibility determines whether intensity feels overwhelming or perfectly matched.

We also draw parallels to parenting, where the tension between letting someone be themselves and shaping them into who we think they should become is ever-present. This conversation ultimately centers on discernment, kindness, and the courage to build a relationship where both partners feel deeply seen and responsibly loved.

This episode also features a clip of my upcoming interview with legendary relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman! You can preview this episode inside the LOVERS community only

Thanks to our sponsor of this episode Evvy

Find out what’s happening with your vaginal health so you can build a care guide based on knowledge vs guess work!

Go to https://evvy.yt.link/v90OvPp
use code LOVERSBYSHAN10 for 10% off your first purchase (up to $25).

Follow DeWanda Wise 

→ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dewandawise/
→ Keep up with her movies and TV appearances: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1986622/

Want more Lover?
Receive the weekly Love Letter → http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter
Join the Lovers Community → https://www.loversbyshan.com/community
Explore quizzes and worksheets → http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes 

Thank you to Evvy for sponsoring today&rsquo;s video! Go to <a href="https://evvy.yt.link/v90OvPp">https://evvy.yt.link/v90OvPp</a> and use code LOVERSBYSHAN10 to get 10% off your first purchase (up to $25).
________________________
In this episode of Lovers, I sit down with actor DeWanda Wise to talk about what makes her marriage to actor Alano Miller genuinely healthy, not perfect, not performative, but well-matched.
DeWanda and Alano have been married since 2009 after dating for only three months. Now more than 15 years in, they frequently appear together at industry events and continue to build a partnership rooted in intentionality rather than assumption. Alano Miller, known for his roles in Underground and Jane the Virgin, shares a dynamic with DeWanda that is grounded in accountability and mutual respect.
One of the most impactful amendments in their marriage came from Christian counseling: don&rsquo;t treat strangers better than you treat me. They hold each other accountable to extend the same kindness, patience, and curiosity at home that they offer the outside world. When one of them falls short, the response is not immediate condemnation but curiosity and course correction.
We explore the delicate balance between accepting your partner and enabling harmful patterns, and what it truly means to be well-suited to love someone as they are. DeWanda challenges the idea that being &ldquo;too much&rdquo; is always a flaw, suggesting instead that compatibility determines whether intensity feels overwhelming or perfectly matched.
We also draw parallels to parenting, where the tension between letting someone be themselves and shaping them into who we think they should become is ever-present. This conversation ultimately centers on discernment, kindness, and the courage to build a relationship where both partners feel deeply seen and responsibly loved.
This episode also features a clip of my upcoming interview with legendary relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman! You can preview this episode inside the LOVERS community only
Thanks to our sponsor of this episode Evvy
Find out what&rsquo;s happening with your vaginal health so you can build a care guide based on knowledge vs guess work! Go to <a href="https://evvy.yt.link/v90OvPp">https://evvy.yt.link/v90OvPp</a> use code LOVERSBYSHAN10 for 10% off your first purchase (up to $25).
Follow DeWanda Wise&nbsp;
&rarr; Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dewandawise/ &rarr; Keep up with her movies and TV appearances: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1986622/ Want more Lover? Receive the weekly Love Letter &rarr; <a href="http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter">http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter </a>Join the Lovers Community &rarr; <a href="https://www.loversbyshan.com/community">https://www.loversbyshan.com/community </a>Explore quizzes and worksheets &rarr; <a href="http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes">http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes</a>&nbsp;

Are You Nicer to Strangers Than Your Partner ft. DeWanda Wise

Get $200 off your Tonal purchase! Get a complete gym + a trainer in your home by going to http://tonal.com then use promo code LOVERS for that big discount.
—

In this episode of Lovers, Melyssa Ford joins me for a conversation about desirability, partnership, and what it means to build a full life without centering it around finding “the one.”

Melyssa has been publicly desired for decades. She’s dated wealthy men, high-profile men, and men who could provide an extraordinary lifestyle. And yet, she’s never been married and doesn’t have children. In this conversation, she reflects on what that actually means, not from a place of regret, but from a place of honesty. What happens when you are wanted by many but not chosen in the way you hoped? What if partnership never materializes the way you imagined it would?

We also discuss something I call Bething, the tension between becoming the person you are meant to be and chasing the life you thought you were supposed to have. Bething is about allowing yourself to exist fully in the present version of your life, even if it doesn’t match the cultural script you were handed. It’s the practice of building something meaningful instead of waiting for someone to complete it.

This episode is not about giving up on love. It’s about living well whether love arrives in the way you expected or not. It’s about separating desirability from devotion, lifestyle from longevity, and fantasy from fulfillment.

If you’ve ever quietly wondered what happens if you never meet your person, this conversation is for you.



Follow Melyssa Ford

→ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melyssaford
→ Watch Hot & Bothered with Melyssa Ford (YouTube): https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgI18pIo71rZWq6upn_QxMg
Listen to Hot & Bothered Podcast: available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts & all major platforms
→ Get her book Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself: 13 Lessons for a Life Well Lived: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/58631608-allow-me-to-reintroduce-myself?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=n6x35X4UoC&rank=1

Want more Lover?
Receive the weekly Love Letter → http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter
Join the Lovers Community → https://www.loversbyshan.com/community
Explore quizzes and worksheets → http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes 

If you haven’t subscribed to Lemonada Premium yet, now’s the perfect time → lemonadapremium.com 

Get $200 off your Tonal purchase! Get a complete gym + a trainer in your home by going to <a href="http://tonal.com">http://tonal.com</a> then use promo code LOVERS for that big discount. &mdash; In this episode of Lovers, Melyssa Ford joins me for a conversation about desirability, partnership, and what it means to build a full life without centering it around finding &ldquo;the one.&rdquo;
Melyssa has been publicly desired for decades. She&rsquo;s dated wealthy men, high-profile men, and men who could provide an extraordinary lifestyle. And yet, she&rsquo;s never been married and doesn&rsquo;t have children. In this conversation, she reflects on what that actually means, not from a place of regret, but from a place of honesty. What happens when you are wanted by many but not chosen in the way you hoped? What if partnership never materializes the way you imagined it would?
We also discuss something I call Bething, the tension between becoming the person you are meant to be and chasing the life you thought you were supposed to have. Bething is about allowing yourself to exist fully in the present version of your life, even if it doesn&rsquo;t match the cultural script you were handed. It&rsquo;s the practice of building something meaningful instead of waiting for someone to complete it.
This episode is not about giving up on love. It&rsquo;s about living well whether love arrives in the way you expected or not. It&rsquo;s about separating desirability from devotion, lifestyle from longevity, and fantasy from fulfillment.
If you&rsquo;ve ever quietly wondered what happens if you never meet your person, this conversation is for you. 
Follow Melyssa Ford
&rarr; Instagram: <a href="https://www.instagram.com/melyssaford">https://www.instagram.com/melyssaford </a>&rarr; Watch Hot &amp; Bothered with Melyssa Ford (YouTube): <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgI18pIo71rZWq6upn_QxMg">https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgI18pIo71rZWq6upn_QxMg </a>Listen to Hot &amp; Bothered Podcast: available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts &amp; all major platforms &rarr; Get her book Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself: 13 Lessons for a Life Well Lived: <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/58631608-allow-me-to-reintroduce-myself?from_search=true&amp;from_srp=true&amp;qid=n6x35X4UoC&amp;rank=1">https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/58631608-allow-me-to-reintroduce-myself?from_search=true&amp;from_srp=true&amp;qid=n6x35X4UoC&amp;rank=1 </a>Want more Lover? Receive the weekly Love Letter &rarr; <a href="http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter">http://loversbyshan.com/newsletter </a>Join the Lovers Community &rarr; <a href="https://www.loversbyshan.com/community">https://www.loversbyshan.com/community </a>Explore quizzes and worksheets &rarr; <a href="http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes">http://loversbyshan.com/quizzes</a>&nbsp;
If you haven&rsquo;t subscribed to Lemonada Premium yet, now&rsquo;s the perfect time &rarr; <a href="http://lemonadapremium.com/">lemonadapremium.com</a>&nbsp;

Why “Normal” Sex Doesn’t Work for Many Black and Brown Women Ft. Aida Mariam Davis

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