Why focusing on “thriving” can supercharge your wellbeing

Published Oct 18, 2022, 2:00 PM

Wellbeing seekers listen up! Positive psychotherapist Marie McLeod discusses her new documentary How to Thrive, the concept of thriving, plus she shares her six pillars of wellbeing. 

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Hey, how are you going? Thank you for tuning into Extra healthy Ish, the big sister podcast to the one called Healthy Ish. Both potties are from Body and Soul with Me Felicity Hawley. So the other week I was scrolling through Instagram as we all do, and up popped an ad on my feet and it had the words how to Thrive. Now, of course I had to click on it. It just sucks me in. I'm a wellbeing seeker after all. It took me to an advertisement for a new doco by the same name. Well, I then had to see the doco and I've seen it and it is brilliant. It follows seven people on their transformational journeys towards long term well being and happiness. And by the way, you'll need tissues. Yes, I did have a teary or two. Now. Their journey is led by positive psychotherapist Marie McLeod and I had to get her on.

She is brilliant.

So my question to Marie, when so many of us have burnt out, languishing or just feeling like shit, how do we thrive? Well, she's going to tell us how to do that today. Marie, nice to have you, Thanks for coming on extra healthy use today.

It's absolutely wonderful to be here. Thanks Felicity.

Now, before we get into your wonderful dotco, I just want to ask you, how do you stay extra healthy in your life?

Well, for me, it is really important that I practice what I preach, and I do sort of have a bit of a checklist. We'll talk about my Beacon framework in a little bit, but I really just think about how am I feeling in terms of my energy, and how am I sort of sustaining and maintaining that so I can show up well for myself and others. And for me that means that I exercise most days, I try to take some downtime. I try to you know, really be present and connect with my people. Sometimes, just like everyone else, I get over engaged in work, and when that happens, I try to time box it and just check back in with myself and run through my own framework and go where are the leagues? So do I need to dial up here or dial down? It's about balance, to be honest, and all of us can get out of balance at times, and when that happens, I've just you know, one of the great sort of biggest things I've learned is to be more compassionate to myself when things aren't going so well.

Yeah. Absolutely, Now tell us a bit about the doco, why you made it, and what are you hoping you know people will walk away with.

Look, I think that over time, what I have observed is that people don't know how to be mentally healthy. We know how to be physically healthy, We've learnt that from our parents and from education. We know that we need to eat and move and sleep and take time to be mindful. We don't know those things as well for our mental health. And so what my mission is really is making those tools and strategies more universally available, so that you know, whether people are in struggle or whether they're traveling fine, they've got a toolkit that they can call on and sort of a framework that they can run through to go you know, where am I at? What do I need now? And you know, this is about empowering people with that knowledge. So it is moving the conversation away from thinking about therapy to thinking about education, and so that's really what it's about for me, and just being driven by the fact that I've seen so many people in such deep struggle in the traditional system that is focusing on the deficit, the disorder and the dysfunction, and they're staying stuck and it just really is heartbreaking and we can do better.

Actually, you say something at the end of the film which really hit with me, and that is, you know, it's a constant management. You will being you say something along these lines verbatim, but you know it's something that I.

Say, Welbing is not a spectator sport exactly.

You have to engage with it every day. And I think that's something you know, listeners, I've learned hosting this podcast for eighteen months, is that you do have to make check in every day, as you say, with your energy. Tell us a bit about the whole concept of thriving. Explain this to us.

What is it so? Thriving is about a more consistent state of feeling good and functioning well. Sometimes we think about the concept of happiness, but happiness is fleeting, and you know, we sort of have the sense of oll we happy when you know, I'm all fit and fabulous, or I have a holiday, or I have a new house. That our brain has an adaption system that just you know, it raises us up and lifts us for a moment, but not for very long and chasing those things can be a bit counterproductive. So we really want to live in the top of our range for sort of what we call thriving. And you know, these evidence based tools that we're teaching are about people being able to do that despite struggle that will invariably happen to us in our lives.

What about I mean, I feel like we were sold happiness as the panacea to everything we for many many years. I mean, we've got Martin Selingman who was the founder of positive psych and so is this just is this basically research moving on and saying okay, so happiness perhaps isn't the right thing to aim for. It is thriving. Is that where we're at or what it? Where's the whole you know, positive psych mindset.

I think it's a bit about terminology that we use, and you know, in common language we use happiness, and we just again, like we're saying before, we haven't nuanced that in terms of you know, what are we saying to our children? And if we ask people what do you want for your life and what do you want for your children? They say happiness, but they don't mean just moments. You know, where you get your favorite ice cream, you know, something like that. They mean that they want for themselves and their children to have that consistent state. And so it is about language and it is not just about that. It's about knowing how to get there.

Yeah, absolutely, well how do we get there? Can you share your whole concept of Beacon the pillars of well being?

Yes? But look, I think one of the most important shifts that we want people to make in this space is about what we focus on right, and we want people to begin to focus on what is strong rather than what is wrong, and so that's you know, happiness hack number one is, you know, we need to rewire our brains around that. We'll talk about that in a minute. But my framework for thriving is called Beacon, evidence based and grounded in Welbing science and positive psychology and Beacon obviously the metaphor is shine your brightest and within Beacon there are pillars of well being the first thing belonging. So we know that we we need a try, We need people around us to thrive, and we need to prioritize connecting closely and authentically with others. The E is for engagement, So we need to be meaningfully engaged in life. We need to know and use our strengths and do things that are meaningful. The AA is about accountability and this is a big one, as we say, well beings not a spectator sport. You need to hold yourself accountable and you need to balance that out with both what we say, gret and grace. Sometimes you can go to the gym and you can nail it. Other days, you know, stuff gets in the way and we need to kind of have compassion for ourselves in those moments. The next speaking pillar is in fact compassion, and that is about having compassion for ourselves in balance with kindness and compassion to others. Oftentimes, you know, we get that a little out of whack. And the next beacon pillar is about optimism, and that is about having positive emotions in our lives, so things that bring us joy and awe and hope and prior and love and things we want to do rather than have to do. And it's also having tools to rise more resiliently through struggle. And the last bit is en which is nurture, and that's the physical health aspects that keep us mentally healthy, so eating, moving, and sleeping.

We'll be back after this shortbreak with more from Marie. Well, let's talk a bit about strengths because I thought this was another strong message. Dare I say strong message that came through the DOCCO is being you know, clear on your strengths and cultivating your strengths. Now a lot of us, especially women, probably don't know this or think that we're being arrogant in you know, looking at the positives of ourselves. How can we become clear on what our strengths are and what we offer out?

Yeah, I think you know, we've been indoctrinated in some ways by a focus on our weaknesses rather than our strengths. And you know, our parents and our teachers, and our sports coaches and then our bosses at work will often really focus on, you know, what do we need to get better action? And if I ask you to name your weaknesses, you'd probably name them really with ease than if I said what your strengths You'd probably be a bit sort of dumb struck for a moment. So it is really important. And we use the VIA Strength Survey, which again is free. That is VIIa stands for Values and Action, so anyone can take that anytime if you just put via Strength survey into your search engine. And that is about character strengths, and it is about understanding what our character strengths are. And really what we know is that we will engage, be much more engaged, to perform better. We'll have better life satisfaction when we're living in the zone of our strengths, when we get to do the things that we love and we're good at, and we work with the way our brains are wired. And as well as that, we need to think about kind of how do we chune those strengths, because sometimes we turn them up too high or down too low, and that also is not helpful.

So yeah, I thought this was interesting in the doco where you, you know, talk through with the participants and some of them, you know, you actually in a lovely way, said, oh, I don't think that's you know, you're actually working to that strength right now. Maybe let's focus on this strength. And so I mean that EBB and flow right throughout our life.

Yes, yeah, And I think it's that everything that's good has the shadow side, right, So you know you might be like me, I have kindness of my top strengths, and I can be so kind to everyone else and not kind enough to myself. Or I have honesty and I'm so honest that I'm tactless and I offend people. Or I have perseverance and I dig in too deep and I get myself stuck. So everything this good has a shadow side, and we need to begin to be nuanced about that and know the ways that we can tune these strengths up and down in ways that serve us.

You do a few great exercises in the doco with the participants, and I just want to pick out two of them. One is the what went well and why exercise at the end of the day. Can you talk us through what this is exactly the importance of it in managing mental health.

Yeah. Look, it is the most researched intervention in positive psychology, and it is incredibly simple but incredibly powerful. So I really would encourage your listeners not to be kind of fooled by its simplicity, because it's been found to be as effective as antidepressants even six months after people don't it. And all it requires is yeah, it's extraordinary. All it requires is at the end of the day, just for seven to ten days, So not a really long period just writing down or sharing three things that went well in your day and why they went well and what this does that rewires our brains away from a negativity bias that we all have to begin to focus more on what is strong than what is wrong. And that's just it's a game changer. And you can do this with your children at the dinner table. You can do it with a buddy by texting. You can download an app such as three Good Things or Delightful, but it really is, it is and you will start to notice that you'll see those little things that happen in your day.

No second that I have a richness of the day. That's my little thing. At the end of every day, I'm like, Okay, what was really rich about today? And then I also have a what I learned? Like a what I could have? You know, how I approached How could I approach this situation differently? What did I learn? Blah blah blah.

Amazing that sounds great? Yeah, really good?

And also the joyja, I love this idea and what a great idea, especially if you do have kids. Can you talk us about this and perha the impact this had on the participants in your DOCO.

So one of the things that we know felicity about how our brains work is that we are we're wired to open up and have live our best life when we're experiencing positive emotions, right, And so when we experience a positive emotion, our brain literally opens up like a flowering sun and we see more, we connect, more, we create. And so what we want to do is to cultivate more experiences of positive emotion of joy or hope, pride, love, serenity. And we're not saying yes always to those things, and we're not deliberately injecting those into our days. So we talk about injecting jolts of joy. And sometimes when people are struggle, they've forgotten what those are. And certainly, you know, when the funk comes down, as it does sometimes you know, children, or we're working too hard, we can't remember, you know, what those little things are. And so what we recommend is that when we're feeling you know, good, we take the time to write those things down. What are those things that reliably lift us. So it might be you know, a particular person we talk to, It might be going out and having a coffee with a friend. It might be putting on a music and dancing around the living room. Kids are amazing at this. They you know, they'll say I want to eat maparaine cheese in the bath, or I want to have a uk in battle, or I want to you know. They're so spontaneous. And when you could say do you, mum, can you plan the trampoline and you're kind of eye rolling and thinking, oh god, rather, you know, but just saying yes. So what we say is write those things down, put them in a jar, or put them on a list on the fridge, and the next time that sort of funk comes down all once a day, pulls something out of the jar and do it. And notice the lift that happens for you in terms of your mood. It just has the capacity to completely flip us flick flick a switch. And so yeah, that's the joyja.

What's in your joys?

Oh? Well, it is about saying yes to things with my children. It is I was never a dog lover that I am a convert. And we have a beautiful little puppy just right now and playing with her and is gorgeous. I like to go to the beach and I like to jump in the ocean, and just sort of have that awe of nature, a really sort of strange one. I love op shops.

Oh no, not, I can appreciate that.

I love opshops. I love going in there and finding a bug and being creative and so and I love hiking in nature and being with my family and friends.

Now you also, you know you featured throughout the doco. What did you learn about yourself in this experience? You know, how did you come out the other side?

Oh? Look, I think for me, well, sorry, I get a little bit emotional about myself because I didn't come I have to be honest and say, like, it's not easy, right, It's so not easy to put yourself out there, and people might look at it and they might say, oh, it wasn't easy because she was, you know, working with people who are in deep struggle. No, that's not the thing. It's about the vulnerability. And so I think what I have learned is that if you are sure about your why, you can do big, bold, brave things right. And I just have to keep dropping back into that why do I do what I do? Who do I want to be in the world, What difference do I want to make? It helps me to be brave, and it helps me to think about the fact that the work that I do is about helping other people. And sometimes I, you know, sometimes I doubt myself and sometimes I have imposter syndrome and I think, you know, why me, There's better people, there's other people, someone else could do this. But so I've learned to be braver. I've learned to sort of, you know, stick with my why, and just to try and be kind to myself when I'm afraid, and to lead with love not fear.

Well. Thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there and also putting out a fantastic doco Marie lovely to chat to you on Extra Healthy.

Thank you so much.

I think that idea of a joy ja is brilliant. What do you think do you do it? Perhaps you already do. I'm going to start doing with my children so they can be more grateful for what they have and what they are given. But also I think there was so much we can all learn from that chat with Marie. I found her very informative and inspiring. If you do want to see her movie, it is called How to Thrive All the movie she appears in, and I will leave links to its screenings in the show notes. If you want more from us, to remember, Extra Healthy is this podcast. We drop a new episode every morning Monday to Thursday. For more, head to bodyansoul dot com dot you or join the conversation Ibody and Soul on Instagram, Facebook or TikTok. Once again, thank you for tuning in and if you have a moment, we'd be so grateful if you could rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast. And until tomorrow, it's say extra healthy ish