Some of the most well-intentioned things we say to our kids can backfire.

From “Good job, you’re so smart” to “You’ll be fine” and “Why can’t you be more like your sister?”, Justin and Kylie unpack five common phrases that can undermine confidence, shut down emotions and create distance between parents and kids.

More importantly, they share what to say instead to help kids feel understood, capable and connected.

KEY POINTS

• Why too much praise can make kids depend on external validation
• The hidden cost of saying “I’m disappointed in you”
• Why “You’ll be fine” can leave a struggling child feeling alone
• How comparing siblings can fuel conflict and self-doubt
• Why saying “I was never good at maths either” can create a limiting mindset
• Simple phrases that build connection without trying to fix everything

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“You need to know that we love you no matter what.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED

• Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
• Research by Wolf Meyer on praise and children’s perceptions of ability
• Research by Eddie Brummelman on inflated praise
• Research by Avi Assor and Guy Roth on conditional parental regard

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS

• Swap automatic praise for curiosity: “What did you enjoy about that?”
• Replace disappointment with connection: “We love you no matter what. Let’s work through this.”
• Validate hard feelings before offering solutions: “This is really tough, isn’t it?”
• Stop comparing siblings, friends or abilities
• Replace “We’re just not good at that” with “Let’s work it out”