More and more parents are telling me that their children are emotionally disregulated. What does it mean? How do we help our children develop self regulation? Hold together, keep it cool? That is our conversations today on the Happy Families podcast Real Parenting Solutions Every day on Australia's most download parenting podcast, we are Justin and Kylie Coulson. One of the big conversations that I've been having recently with one of our children, I won't say which one because I don't want to embarrass anybody, has involved two words emotional regulation. Unfortunately, I often remind her of it Kylie at the very time that she's disregulated, and she doesn't respond kindly. Has anyone ever told you to regulate better when you've been a bit upset?

More and more parents are telling me that their children are emotionally disregulated. What does it mean? How do we help our children develop self regulation? Hold together, keep it cool? That is our conversations today on the Happy Families podcast Real Parenting Solutions Every day on Australia's most download parenting podcast, we are Justin and Kylie Coulson. One of the big conversations that I've been having recently with one of our children, I won't say which one because I don't want to embarrass anybody, has involved two words emotional regulation. Unfortunately, I often remind her of it Kylie at the very time that she's disregulated, and she doesn't respond kindly. Has anyone ever told you to regulate better when you've been a bit upset?

I was just thinking about the fact that as parents, we're really worried about our kids' inability to be self regulated. But I'm wondering how many of us are actually very good at doing the same thing.

I was just thinking about the fact that as parents, we're really worried about our kids' inability to be self regulated. But I'm wondering how many of us are actually very good at doing the same thing.

Yeah, we've all got that blind spot, haven't we. Would you just regulate yourself?

Yeah, we've all got that blind spot, haven't we. Would you just regulate yourself?

Seriously?

Seriously?

If I've told you once, I've told you one thousand times, and off we go.

If I've told you once, I've told you one thousand times, and off we go.

I know this is probably a silly question. But we talk about it all the time, this idea of self regulation. What exactly are you talking about.

I know this is probably a silly question. But we talk about it all the time, this idea of self regulation. What exactly are you talking about.

I don't think it's a silly question at all. If you were to try to define it, and you hadn't sat down and looked at a definition, it would be pretty tricky. I mean people would say it's holding it together, I guess would be the really easy way to define it. My definition of emotion regulation is the ability to either express your emotions or suppress your emotions in an appropriate way for the context, so that you can achieve goals that really do matter to you. And this is a really big deal. Like some people say, you shouldn't have to regulate your emotions, you should be allowed to be your authentic self. I think that's a terrible idea. We have to be well socialized, we have to be regulated. There are times where it's absolutely necessary. If you don't regulate, you usually upset people and it doesn't play out well at all.

I don't think it's a silly question at all. If you were to try to define it, and you hadn't sat down and looked at a definition, it would be pretty tricky. I mean people would say it's holding it together, I guess would be the really easy way to define it. My definition of emotion regulation is the ability to either express your emotions or suppress your emotions in an appropriate way for the context, so that you can achieve goals that really do matter to you. And this is a really big deal. Like some people say, you shouldn't have to regulate your emotions, you should be allowed to be your authentic self. I think that's a terrible idea. We have to be well socialized, we have to be regulated. There are times where it's absolutely necessary. If you don't regulate, you usually upset people and it doesn't play out well at all.

Well. The challenge is especially when it comes to relationships. I think about our frustration and our anger and our hurt is like this big bucket of black tar inside me. And if I decide to be my authentic self in any given moment, I'm literally just spewing that black tar all over the recipient, whoever it happens to be. How do I ever think that that is going to benefit our relationships?

Well. The challenge is especially when it comes to relationships. I think about our frustration and our anger and our hurt is like this big bucket of black tar inside me. And if I decide to be my authentic self in any given moment, I'm literally just spewing that black tar all over the recipient, whoever it happens to be. How do I ever think that that is going to benefit our relationships?

A moment of truth, I mean, let's turn the podcast into some therapy for a moment. Literally last night I was exhausted. I've damaged my knee, so I'm not able to move and get around the way I want to. We had dinner like two hours late. The kids were up late. You've been so flat out with a responsibility that you've taken on that we kind of haven't seen you for days. It's almost like it's become a full time job, but it's all volunteer work and you're not being paid for it or anything. And I miss you. We're not connecting. And finally at a at nine fifteen pm, I told you how I was really feeling because instead of talking to me, you'd laid down the bed and looked at your phone, and I was just like ah, and I did not regulate that is my goal. My actual goal was I miss you and I want to connect with you. I want to be close to you. I really want to just spend time in your presence and soak you up and love everything about the fact that we're married and we love one another. And I expressed it really, really ineffectively. I didn't express it appropriately for the context, and it did not help us to get towards that goal that I had of connecting with you. It drove disconnection. Our children are just as clumsy, and they've got more excuses about it than I do, because I'm going to be ahd in psychology and I'm not supposed to make those mistakes.

A moment of truth, I mean, let's turn the podcast into some therapy for a moment. Literally last night I was exhausted. I've damaged my knee, so I'm not able to move and get around the way I want to. We had dinner like two hours late. The kids were up late. You've been so flat out with a responsibility that you've taken on that we kind of haven't seen you for days. It's almost like it's become a full time job, but it's all volunteer work and you're not being paid for it or anything. And I miss you. We're not connecting. And finally at a at nine fifteen pm, I told you how I was really feeling because instead of talking to me, you'd laid down the bed and looked at your phone, and I was just like ah, and I did not regulate that is my goal. My actual goal was I miss you and I want to connect with you. I want to be close to you. I really want to just spend time in your presence and soak you up and love everything about the fact that we're married and we love one another. And I expressed it really, really ineffectively. I didn't express it appropriately for the context, and it did not help us to get towards that goal that I had of connecting with you. It drove disconnection. Our children are just as clumsy, and they've got more excuses about it than I do, because I'm going to be ahd in psychology and I'm not supposed to make those mistakes.

But here's here's the interesting thing. We're so focused on helping our kids to be self regulated, and I wonder how many of us actually spend the time working on ourselves to be regulated.

But here's here's the interesting thing. We're so focused on helping our kids to be self regulated, and I wonder how many of us actually spend the time working on ourselves to be regulated.

Yeah, and we need it for social reasons. We need like, let's say our kids. Let's go back to the kids for a sec. Our kids are playing a game and they know they get the snake. They're playing snakes and ladders, or they're playing checkers or chess, or they're on a screen playing a game with their friends, and things start to work out poorly. Now, their goal is partly to win the game, but more than that, to have fun, to have fun with their friends. But what happens is they get a bit emotional because things aren't going so well on the game. Because they're emotional and the game's not working out, what do they do. They they fail to regulate and they have a dummy spit, throw the toys out of the cot and instead of keeping the rules and waiting and losing well, which are all I guess, emotional suppression tactics because the long term goal is good relationships, they blow up and all go well, the bottom falls out. It just goes pear shaped. Some people will say, we shouldn't be teaching our kids to mask their emotions and to suppress their emotions, like these are really loaded terms, And I'm laboring this point because if our children can't suppress their emotions, they will not function, they won't have good relationships, they won't function well in class. So academically they'll struggle because if they're not able to work something out, they'll blow up, they'll lose the plot, they'll cry, they'll storm out of the classroom. Rather than regulating their emotions and saying to the teacher, I'm really struggling with this. It's hard. I'm feeling overwhelmed by it. Could you explain it to me one more time. Not that many seven year olds would say it like that, but you get my point. They will be more persistent with tasks. They will do better in life if they learn to regulate their emotions, just like the kids in the marshmallow experiment that Walter Mitchelle did way back in the nineteen sixties. You can have one marshmallow now, or when I leave the room, you can have two. That one hasn't been eaten until I come back. And the kids who regulated well, they got the goodies, and that self control, that self regulation was an asset to them throughout their lives. They did better at school, better in relationships, better with employment, better with finances, better with everything.

Yeah, and we need it for social reasons. We need like, let's say our kids. Let's go back to the kids for a sec. Our kids are playing a game and they know they get the snake. They're playing snakes and ladders, or they're playing checkers or chess, or they're on a screen playing a game with their friends, and things start to work out poorly. Now, their goal is partly to win the game, but more than that, to have fun, to have fun with their friends. But what happens is they get a bit emotional because things aren't going so well on the game. Because they're emotional and the game's not working out, what do they do. They they fail to regulate and they have a dummy spit, throw the toys out of the cot and instead of keeping the rules and waiting and losing well, which are all I guess, emotional suppression tactics because the long term goal is good relationships, they blow up and all go well, the bottom falls out. It just goes pear shaped. Some people will say, we shouldn't be teaching our kids to mask their emotions and to suppress their emotions, like these are really loaded terms, And I'm laboring this point because if our children can't suppress their emotions, they will not function, they won't have good relationships, they won't function well in class. So academically they'll struggle because if they're not able to work something out, they'll blow up, they'll lose the plot, they'll cry, they'll storm out of the classroom. Rather than regulating their emotions and saying to the teacher, I'm really struggling with this. It's hard. I'm feeling overwhelmed by it. Could you explain it to me one more time. Not that many seven year olds would say it like that, but you get my point. They will be more persistent with tasks. They will do better in life if they learn to regulate their emotions, just like the kids in the marshmallow experiment that Walter Mitchelle did way back in the nineteen sixties. You can have one marshmallow now, or when I leave the room, you can have two. That one hasn't been eaten until I come back. And the kids who regulated well, they got the goodies, and that self control, that self regulation was an asset to them throughout their lives. They did better at school, better in relationships, better with employment, better with finances, better with everything.

I think it's really important to recognize and understand though part of that self regulation. In my mind, it's not about withholding emotion. It's actually been able to process emotion. You don't need to verbalize everything that you're experiencing.

I think it's really important to recognize and understand though part of that self regulation. In my mind, it's not about withholding emotion. It's actually been able to process emotion. You don't need to verbalize everything that you're experiencing.

It's exhausting to be around someone who does in.

It's exhausting to be around someone who does in.

Every moment to be able to process through it. And I love when our ten year old will have an outburst and she literally takes herself off to a room and within two or three minutes. She comes out and she's like, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I was just feeling really frustrated.

Every moment to be able to process through it. And I love when our ten year old will have an outburst and she literally takes herself off to a room and within two or three minutes. She comes out and she's like, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I was just feeling really frustrated.

It's interesting that you set our ten year old because emotion regulation begins to develop somewhere around the age of three. So when parents are getting mad at they're under threes, that's on us. We've got to stop getting mad. They don't have the ability to regulate, and it builds from the age of three. Most kids can regulate most of the time by about the age of nine. Most kids most of the time by about the age of nine. So you're saying a ten year old, she's just reached that point where she should be able to regulate most of the time. But if she doesn't, she's got the cognitive bandwidth to calm herself down later and then come back recognizing that she needs to do better in future. Okay, so after the break, Three ways that we can help our kids to regulate their emotions better. Okay, Kylie. Three ways that we can help our children to regulate their emotions better. That is, to suppress them when they should, express them when it's appropriate, and move towards constructive long term achievement.

It's interesting that you set our ten year old because emotion regulation begins to develop somewhere around the age of three. So when parents are getting mad at they're under threes, that's on us. We've got to stop getting mad. They don't have the ability to regulate, and it builds from the age of three. Most kids can regulate most of the time by about the age of nine. Most kids most of the time by about the age of nine. So you're saying a ten year old, she's just reached that point where she should be able to regulate most of the time. But if she doesn't, she's got the cognitive bandwidth to calm herself down later and then come back recognizing that she needs to do better in future. Okay, so after the break, Three ways that we can help our kids to regulate their emotions better. Okay, Kylie. Three ways that we can help our children to regulate their emotions better. That is, to suppress them when they should, express them when it's appropriate, and move towards constructive long term achievement.

I love all of these, but we'll start with number one.

I love all of these, but we'll start with number one.

It's a good place to start.

It's a good place to start.

Support don't solve. Yeah, this is really important for our kid's sense of autonomy.

Support don't solve. Yeah, this is really important for our kid's sense of autonomy.

Yeah, it's also important for their sense of competence and for building the relationship. So for anyone who's been listening to the pod for a while, you'll know that I'm a big, big proponent of a theory known as self determination theory that says that our kids got three basic psychological needs. They need to feel like they've got a voice, that they can choose what's going on. They need to feel like they're capable and competent, and they need to feel like they're close and connected. When we support don't solve, we tick every box. Because when we're supporting, we're saying, wow, this looks really tough, or you're having a hard time, or I can see how troubled you are, or you walk into the room and you say I can see two really angry kids who look like they want to fight with each other, and I'm here to help. And as soon as you do that, it comes every like the relationship feels good. But then as you support, you say, so, how do we figure this out? Or what's the best way for you empower the kids, so you give them voice, choice, autonom evolition, and you also say, I believe that you've got a brain in your head and you can figure this out, so you're giving them a sense of confidence as well. It's a simple three word solution to emotion regulation that makes all the difference. Support don't solve number two.

Yeah, it's also important for their sense of competence and for building the relationship. So for anyone who's been listening to the pod for a while, you'll know that I'm a big, big proponent of a theory known as self determination theory that says that our kids got three basic psychological needs. They need to feel like they've got a voice, that they can choose what's going on. They need to feel like they're capable and competent, and they need to feel like they're close and connected. When we support don't solve, we tick every box. Because when we're supporting, we're saying, wow, this looks really tough, or you're having a hard time, or I can see how troubled you are, or you walk into the room and you say I can see two really angry kids who look like they want to fight with each other, and I'm here to help. And as soon as you do that, it comes every like the relationship feels good. But then as you support, you say, so, how do we figure this out? Or what's the best way for you empower the kids, so you give them voice, choice, autonom evolition, and you also say, I believe that you've got a brain in your head and you can figure this out, so you're giving them a sense of confidence as well. It's a simple three word solution to emotion regulation that makes all the difference. Support don't solve number two.

When we've done the supporting and we're not wanting to solve and they're struggling, let's offer some hints.

When we've done the supporting and we're not wanting to solve and they're struggling, let's offer some hints.

Yeah, you've I think you've got the most beautiful story. It didn't involve one of our children, although I'm sure we could come up with plenty that do. With one of our eldest daughter's.

Yeah, you've I think you've got the most beautiful story. It didn't involve one of our children, although I'm sure we could come up with plenty that do. With one of our eldest daughter's.

Friends, we had gone over a play date one afternoon and our daughter's friend was in her room sobbing, and her mum stated that she wasn't allowed to come out of her room until she'd cleaned it. She'd been she'd been given the opportunity to clean it all day.

Friends, we had gone over a play date one afternoon and our daughter's friend was in her room sobbing, and her mum stated that she wasn't allowed to come out of her room until she'd cleaned it. She'd been she'd been given the opportunity to clean it all day.

No playdate for you until you've done. In our family, I've started saying you don't get the good stuff to you done the hard stuff. The kids hate it. They hate it, but that's the principle ride if you want to have the play day, you've got to do this stuff that's necessary first.

No playdate for you until you've done. In our family, I've started saying you don't get the good stuff to you done the hard stuff. The kids hate it. They hate it, but that's the principle ride if you want to have the play day, you've got to do this stuff that's necessary first.

So how daughter was itching to hang out with her friend, and I thought I might just go down and have a look and see whether or not I can sweet talk this little girl into getting a room done. When I walked into her room, I knew exactly why she was having an absolute meltdown. You couldn't see the floor. It was a dire, bolical mess for a six year old, complete overwhelm. I don't know about you, but I'm sure that you've experienced jobs where you kind of walk into the room and you go I don't even know where to start. And that's me as an adult. So imagine a six year old child looking at this space going where do I start.

So how daughter was itching to hang out with her friend, and I thought I might just go down and have a look and see whether or not I can sweet talk this little girl into getting a room done. When I walked into her room, I knew exactly why she was having an absolute meltdown. You couldn't see the floor. It was a dire, bolical mess for a six year old, complete overwhelm. I don't know about you, but I'm sure that you've experienced jobs where you kind of walk into the room and you go I don't even know where to start. And that's me as an adult. So imagine a six year old child looking at this space going where do I start.

And an unsympathetic parentm I look at the child and say, well, you made the mess, and you figured out how to put it all on the floor, so you can figure out how to put it away.

And an unsympathetic parentm I look at the child and say, well, you made the mess, and you figured out how to put it all on the floor, so you can figure out how to put it away.

I sat in the room with Sarah and I just said to her, era, can you find ten blocks? And she looked at me and she said, uh huh.

I sat in the room with Sarah and I just said to her, era, can you find ten blocks? And she looked at me and she said, uh huh.

Yeah, so it's called chunking. Let's just do little chunks here and little.

Yeah, so it's called chunking. Let's just do little chunks here and little.

So she picked up ten blocks. I didn't do any of the work. She did it all. But I was able to sit with her, and because I wasn't emotionally attached or involved, I was able to calmly just encourage her, and we had the job done probably in about five to ten minutes, and she was calm, and she was so excited once she'd done, because she obviously could hang out with our door.

So she picked up ten blocks. I didn't do any of the work. She did it all. But I was able to sit with her, and because I wasn't emotionally attached or involved, I was able to calmly just encourage her, and we had the job done probably in about five to ten minutes, and she was calm, and she was so excited once she'd done, because she obviously could hang out with our door.

I done.

I done.

But so often we just think that our kids have the capacity to do way more than they're capable of, and other times we underestimate their abilities. But in this case, this actually needed mum's involvement.

But so often we just think that our kids have the capacity to do way more than they're capable of, and other times we underestimate their abilities. But in this case, this actually needed mum's involvement.

So some people, when I've shared that story have said, oh, well, that's because you were an outsider. You weren't mum. But it works as well when you are the parent, when you step and say I can see how hard this is for you, and I know you're really having a hard time keeping it together. What about if I help You don't actually do the work, you just off of those hints, You provide a little bit of gentle guidance, and that's where the results come. The third one is really simple. One read the room, so if your child is disregulated, have they eaten? What time of day is it? Do they need sleep? Is there any additional stress in their lives? I mean, if we go back to my therapeutic moment a minute ago, I was tired, I was stressed, I was missing you, We'd eaten super super late, and nothing was quite right, and I was disregulated. But if we follow these three things, support, don't solve, offer hints, and read the room, we're going to find that our children will be more regulated. And when they're not.

So some people, when I've shared that story have said, oh, well, that's because you were an outsider. You weren't mum. But it works as well when you are the parent, when you step and say I can see how hard this is for you, and I know you're really having a hard time keeping it together. What about if I help You don't actually do the work, you just off of those hints, You provide a little bit of gentle guidance, and that's where the results come. The third one is really simple. One read the room, so if your child is disregulated, have they eaten? What time of day is it? Do they need sleep? Is there any additional stress in their lives? I mean, if we go back to my therapeutic moment a minute ago, I was tired, I was stressed, I was missing you, We'd eaten super super late, and nothing was quite right, and I was disregulated. But if we follow these three things, support, don't solve, offer hints, and read the room, we're going to find that our children will be more regulated. And when they're not.

They've got a gentle place to call.

They've got a gentle place to call.

So perfectly said, that's to take home message. Be there for them, especially in those moments they need your connection when they quote unquote deserve it the least. Of course, they deserve it all the time because you love them and they're your kids. The Happy Families Podcasts is produced by Justin ruland from Bridge Media. More information and more resources to make your family happy can be found at happy families dot com dot you m hm

So perfectly said, that's to take home message. Be there for them, especially in those moments they need your connection when they quote unquote deserve it the least. Of course, they deserve it all the time because you love them and they're your kids. The Happy Families Podcasts is produced by Justin ruland from Bridge Media. More information and more resources to make your family happy can be found at happy families dot com dot you m hm