It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the time for parent who just wants answers. Now, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. I am doctor Justin Colson today answering your questions on the podcast. This one is definitely not one for the kids, or maybe it is, but you want to listen to it definitely first and certainly not for younger kids. Listener discretion is advised. If you would like to submit your questions, just go to happy families dot com dot you and leave us a voice memo. Happy families dot com dot you, scroll down to where it says podcasts, push the button start talking. It's our super simple system. It really is that easy. Submit your question at happy families dot com dot au. Today's question comes from Emily in New Zealand.

It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the time for parent who just wants answers. Now, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. I am doctor Justin Colson today answering your questions on the podcast. This one is definitely not one for the kids, or maybe it is, but you want to listen to it definitely first and certainly not for younger kids. Listener discretion is advised. If you would like to submit your questions, just go to happy families dot com dot you and leave us a voice memo. Happy families dot com dot you, scroll down to where it says podcasts, push the button start talking. It's our super simple system. It really is that easy. Submit your question at happy families dot com dot au. Today's question comes from Emily in New Zealand.

Hi, Justin and Curley. Just a quick Christian regarding our beautiful son who happened to tell us the other morning that one of her little friends with pure friend and apparently wants to take photos of her vagina our fadus seven. So it's a friend and we obviously feel like this is concerning not something we've had come up ever before. So we're really about your thoughts. Thanks.

Hi, Justin and Curley. Just a quick Christian regarding our beautiful son who happened to tell us the other morning that one of her little friends with pure friend and apparently wants to take photos of her vagina our fadus seven. So it's a friend and we obviously feel like this is concerning not something we've had come up ever before. So we're really about your thoughts. Thanks.

Okay, So, Emily, this is concerning. You're absolutely right, certainly not developmentally typical and frankly not even developmentally appropriate. Let me start just by saying wonderful. I know that's an unexpected response from me, but this is so wonderful that your little seven year old has come to you and said, I've got a concern and I feel safe sharing it with you. As parents, this is the dream scenario where our kids are willing to be open with us, to be frank with us, and to talk about things, even if they're a little bit embarrassing or if they don't quite understand it. So I'm so so glad that he's wanted to have that conversation with you. The second key point that I want to make in responding to this question, Emily, is that what your son's friend is wanting to do is not and I want to say this really clearly is not normal. It's not considered healthy development for a seven year old to have this idea. Now, I can only speculate as to where this ideas come from and why he has the idea. It is concerning. My speculation may be unmarranted. If I'm wrong, I'll take it back, but I think that it's worth spending a moment on this because unfortunately, statistically, the likelihood of it happening is far too high. My take is that this kid has seen pornography, he's been exposed to explicit content, or if he hasn't seen it, he's heard these kinds of ideas from his friends, from his classmates, from a big brother, from an uncle, from a parent. I don't know where it's come across, these ideas from, but I think the number one culprit has to be the possibility of Internet pornography. Some statistics on this global data on exposure to explicit content rarely give a very clear breakdown on who at what age is viewing what, but we do know this based on a twenty twenty survey from the British Board of Film Classification in the UK, at least and then the majority of children age thirteen have come across explicit content online, with children as young as seven being exposed. Usually first exposure is unintentional, sometimes it's intentional, but usually it's unintentional, and Australian parliamentary inquiry a couple of years ago showed the same thing even younger, although that typically happened as a result of abuse and challenges that were occurring in family homes. Is what we know about young children who come across explicit material. Most of them find it upsetting, most of them find it disturbing. Most of them are literally quote grossed out or quote confused when they come across it. And that's appropriate developmentally, that's normal, that's what we would expect. Normally, seven year olds are worried about girls germs and boys germs, and not catching coodies and and essentially staying as far away from one another as they possibly can. That's really the ideal scenario. That's what you're really really looking for in this situation. There are some parents who are really encouraging of their children to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend from a young age. I'm really concerned about that mindset. I don't think that it's healthy. I don't think that it should be encouraged. It's fine to have friends, it's fine to encourage healthy relationships. But encouraging girlfriend and boyfriend relationships with kids who are in first grade and second grade, it's just not useful. This is the sort of stuff that, from my perspective, looking at research, evidence in the way that kids get involved with one another. You want to delay relationships, especially that something that's considered a romantic or an intimate relationship, for as long as you possibly can.

Okay, So, Emily, this is concerning. You're absolutely right, certainly not developmentally typical and frankly not even developmentally appropriate. Let me start just by saying wonderful. I know that's an unexpected response from me, but this is so wonderful that your little seven year old has come to you and said, I've got a concern and I feel safe sharing it with you. As parents, this is the dream scenario where our kids are willing to be open with us, to be frank with us, and to talk about things, even if they're a little bit embarrassing or if they don't quite understand it. So I'm so so glad that he's wanted to have that conversation with you. The second key point that I want to make in responding to this question, Emily, is that what your son's friend is wanting to do is not and I want to say this really clearly is not normal. It's not considered healthy development for a seven year old to have this idea. Now, I can only speculate as to where this ideas come from and why he has the idea. It is concerning. My speculation may be unmarranted. If I'm wrong, I'll take it back, but I think that it's worth spending a moment on this because unfortunately, statistically, the likelihood of it happening is far too high. My take is that this kid has seen pornography, he's been exposed to explicit content, or if he hasn't seen it, he's heard these kinds of ideas from his friends, from his classmates, from a big brother, from an uncle, from a parent. I don't know where it's come across, these ideas from, but I think the number one culprit has to be the possibility of Internet pornography. Some statistics on this global data on exposure to explicit content rarely give a very clear breakdown on who at what age is viewing what, but we do know this based on a twenty twenty survey from the British Board of Film Classification in the UK, at least and then the majority of children age thirteen have come across explicit content online, with children as young as seven being exposed. Usually first exposure is unintentional, sometimes it's intentional, but usually it's unintentional, and Australian parliamentary inquiry a couple of years ago showed the same thing even younger, although that typically happened as a result of abuse and challenges that were occurring in family homes. Is what we know about young children who come across explicit material. Most of them find it upsetting, most of them find it disturbing. Most of them are literally quote grossed out or quote confused when they come across it. And that's appropriate developmentally, that's normal, that's what we would expect. Normally, seven year olds are worried about girls germs and boys germs, and not catching coodies and and essentially staying as far away from one another as they possibly can. That's really the ideal scenario. That's what you're really really looking for in this situation. There are some parents who are really encouraging of their children to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend from a young age. I'm really concerned about that mindset. I don't think that it's healthy. I don't think that it should be encouraged. It's fine to have friends, it's fine to encourage healthy relationships. But encouraging girlfriend and boyfriend relationships with kids who are in first grade and second grade, it's just not useful. This is the sort of stuff that, from my perspective, looking at research, evidence in the way that kids get involved with one another. You want to delay relationships, especially that something that's considered a romantic or an intimate relationship, for as long as you possibly can.

Now.

Now.

Of course, there are going to be confusing ideas around what it means to be a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and seven year olds usually don't quite get what it's about. But in this instance, we've got a seven year old who has a very clear idea that it involves some form of intimacy. When kids are exposed to these ideas, we do have evidence that it points to concerns around consent and respect and safety implications. I could talk a lot more about that, but this isn't the podcast for that. A conversation about pornography is really the conversation for that one and the effects of it. What we really need to talk about now is what you can do as a concerned parent who's got a little boy who's bestie is talking this way to him about taking intimate photos of his seven year old girlfriend. So Emily from New Zealand, here is what I would suggest. Number one. Talk to your son gently, very gently, ask him more about what he heard. Now, let's make sure we get the context right in this conversation. I'm inclined to say you want to do it when there's no rush, when there's no sense of pressure, and when he can feel comfortable and confident in talking to you. So maybe it's out on the porch with a milkshake or his favorite drink, and we just want to make sure that he feels comfortable and can talk to you openly about whatever he needs to talk to you about. Find out exactly what his friend said and what his friend did, and how it made him feel when he found that out. Find out how he responded to his friend, what did he say. Your job in this initial conversation is to avoid any judgment. Don't sound like you're alarmed. You really just want to keep those lines of communication open because with a seven year old, once they start to get scared that you're scared, that's when they're most likely to shut down. The second thing that I would recommend, and this might be in the same exploration conversation, or it might be that you pause the conversation and say I'm going to have a chat with your dad or I'm going to have a think about what you've told me, and then we'll work out what to do. I think it's okay to press pause on the conversation. You don't have to do it all at once. It's probably going to be overwhelming for him. He will be experiencing some fairly solid emotions as a result of what's going on. But at some point, either during or shortly that conversation, it's time for discussion where there's some education. I think it's a great opportunity to have an age appropriate conversation about bodies and boundaries and consent. You'll explain things like private parts are private. You'll also explain that it's not okay to take pictures of someone else's body without their permission, and you will probably also need to explain that it's not ever okay to take pictures of somebody's private parts, even if they do give you permission. Now, I know that as an adult, there are going to be some people who say, well, at some point it will be okay with consent and in the appropriate relationship. That's fine if you want to do that as an adult. I'm not going to tell you what to do there. But in terms of conversations with our children, this matters. Why well, because if they're caught with that kind of imagery on their device, they will be registered as sex offenders. Depending on which jurisdiction you're in, there certainly will be very, very very big questions about it, and the risks are simply too great. Now. Of course, you don't want to frighten your child with stories about the police or anything like that, but you can let them know that you are concerned about it and find out how they're feeling. They need to know that it's not okay to take pictures of somebody else's body without their permission. As they get older and moving to the team years, we need to teach them that there's no such thing as safe sexting. It just doesn't exist.

Of course, there are going to be confusing ideas around what it means to be a girlfriend or a boyfriend, and seven year olds usually don't quite get what it's about. But in this instance, we've got a seven year old who has a very clear idea that it involves some form of intimacy. When kids are exposed to these ideas, we do have evidence that it points to concerns around consent and respect and safety implications. I could talk a lot more about that, but this isn't the podcast for that. A conversation about pornography is really the conversation for that one and the effects of it. What we really need to talk about now is what you can do as a concerned parent who's got a little boy who's bestie is talking this way to him about taking intimate photos of his seven year old girlfriend. So Emily from New Zealand, here is what I would suggest. Number one. Talk to your son gently, very gently, ask him more about what he heard. Now, let's make sure we get the context right in this conversation. I'm inclined to say you want to do it when there's no rush, when there's no sense of pressure, and when he can feel comfortable and confident in talking to you. So maybe it's out on the porch with a milkshake or his favorite drink, and we just want to make sure that he feels comfortable and can talk to you openly about whatever he needs to talk to you about. Find out exactly what his friend said and what his friend did, and how it made him feel when he found that out. Find out how he responded to his friend, what did he say. Your job in this initial conversation is to avoid any judgment. Don't sound like you're alarmed. You really just want to keep those lines of communication open because with a seven year old, once they start to get scared that you're scared, that's when they're most likely to shut down. The second thing that I would recommend, and this might be in the same exploration conversation, or it might be that you pause the conversation and say I'm going to have a chat with your dad or I'm going to have a think about what you've told me, and then we'll work out what to do. I think it's okay to press pause on the conversation. You don't have to do it all at once. It's probably going to be overwhelming for him. He will be experiencing some fairly solid emotions as a result of what's going on. But at some point, either during or shortly that conversation, it's time for discussion where there's some education. I think it's a great opportunity to have an age appropriate conversation about bodies and boundaries and consent. You'll explain things like private parts are private. You'll also explain that it's not okay to take pictures of someone else's body without their permission, and you will probably also need to explain that it's not ever okay to take pictures of somebody's private parts, even if they do give you permission. Now, I know that as an adult, there are going to be some people who say, well, at some point it will be okay with consent and in the appropriate relationship. That's fine if you want to do that as an adult. I'm not going to tell you what to do there. But in terms of conversations with our children, this matters. Why well, because if they're caught with that kind of imagery on their device, they will be registered as sex offenders. Depending on which jurisdiction you're in, there certainly will be very, very very big questions about it, and the risks are simply too great. Now. Of course, you don't want to frighten your child with stories about the police or anything like that, but you can let them know that you are concerned about it and find out how they're feeling. They need to know that it's not okay to take pictures of somebody else's body without their permission. As they get older and moving to the team years, we need to teach them that there's no such thing as safe sexting. It just doesn't exist.

Now.

Now.

The third part of this conversation is that the friend's behavior needs to be addressed, But you want to tread really carefully here. Initially, you're going to say to your son, what do you think is the best thing to do here, and have a general conversation about how the friend is doing the wrong thing. If you know the parents well, I think that it's appropriate to consider discussing it with them privately. If you have evidence of the conversation that goes beyond your son saying my friend told me that he was going to do this, then providing that evidence certainly softens it. Many years ago, one of my children was approached indecently by a boy, a young man, who solicit explicit images from her. She of course said no, and she came to me and she had a screenshot of his request. As a result of that, I was able to go to the parents and say, hey, I don't know the broader context here, but my daughter's a little troubled. I want to send you an image of something that your son has sent through and I'm really happy to chat with you about ways that we can manage this. But it's something that's got me a little bit nervous and concerned. So it's very much not about blaming. It's very much about approaching them softly, treading really carefully, letting them know that you care about the well being and safety of your own child and of their child, and hopefully working on the issue together. Will it always work, No, Sometimes it can absolutely backfire in really significant ways. If that is the case, if you're concerned, an alternative is that you could inform your son's teacher or the school counselor they may be able to address the issue more broadly with all of the children. I'm not convinced that that's going to have nearly the same impact as parent involvement. Maybe the ski school might be willing to address it from a school point of view. The one thing that I'd be really concerned about with this part of the challenge that you're facing is that when the young friend finds out, it's entirely possible that this little kid's going to say no, no, no. He was the one that told me that I should take the photos. I didn't say it, he told it to me. And so all of a sudden, your son's now in hot water as well. So it's a really tricky one and you just want to go slowly and tread carefully. Now, let's go back to your son and how you can empower him overwhelmingly, your son has to know, he has to receive the reassurance that he did the right thing by telling you. So how do you do that? You give him a hug, You say, you're so brave, I'm so glad you told me. You let him know all of the good things that he's done here. And you also encourage him to say no if his friend ever ask asks him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable, and to tell trusted adall if he sees or hears anything at all that's concerning. What he could also do is tell his friend that he's not comfortable that his friend wants to do that. He might even tell his friend that he might need to tell somebody if he continues to suggest that he's going to do these things. Your son needs to be empowered. This could make him really unpopular. He could become the pariah of the playground. But right now he's doing the right thing, and at seven, he's doing the developmentally appropriate thing, and he needs to just be embraced because of it. And I guess the last thing that I would say, Emily is stay vigilant. You want to keep an eye on your son's friendships and his online activity. You definitely need to respect his privacy, but he's only seven, so his privacy comes second to his safety. Watch out for red flags, and just keep an eye on him and keep the conversation going. Absolutely, Emily, great question, really important one, and increasingly, as we're seeing more and more young people in kindergarten first grade, second grade, third grade, who are being exposed to explicit content and explicit themes and literally living them out in school playgrounds, in school classrooms, saying things that are inappropriate to their classmates and even their school teachers. We've got to talk about this stuff. It's hard to talk about, it's horrible to talk about, but we need to have the conversations. Why. Because this situation, as concerning as it is, ultimately is an opportunity for you, as a parent to teach your son really valuable lessons about respect and consent, and about boundaries and about what makes a healthy relationship. And if you can be calm and proactive, I think you're going to help and navigate this situation and build a really strong foundation so that he can make safe and responsible choices in the future. Thanks so much for the question. That's it for today's Ask Justin podcast. If you would like to submit your question, it's just go to Happy families dot com. Use the super simple system on the website, Go to the homepage, click the record button at the podcast section start talking. That's all you need to do. The Happy Family podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. If you want more information, about making your family happier. Send us to your questions happy families dot com dot you, or visit us at our website and social media pages. Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families

The third part of this conversation is that the friend's behavior needs to be addressed, But you want to tread really carefully here. Initially, you're going to say to your son, what do you think is the best thing to do here, and have a general conversation about how the friend is doing the wrong thing. If you know the parents well, I think that it's appropriate to consider discussing it with them privately. If you have evidence of the conversation that goes beyond your son saying my friend told me that he was going to do this, then providing that evidence certainly softens it. Many years ago, one of my children was approached indecently by a boy, a young man, who solicit explicit images from her. She of course said no, and she came to me and she had a screenshot of his request. As a result of that, I was able to go to the parents and say, hey, I don't know the broader context here, but my daughter's a little troubled. I want to send you an image of something that your son has sent through and I'm really happy to chat with you about ways that we can manage this. But it's something that's got me a little bit nervous and concerned. So it's very much not about blaming. It's very much about approaching them softly, treading really carefully, letting them know that you care about the well being and safety of your own child and of their child, and hopefully working on the issue together. Will it always work, No, Sometimes it can absolutely backfire in really significant ways. If that is the case, if you're concerned, an alternative is that you could inform your son's teacher or the school counselor they may be able to address the issue more broadly with all of the children. I'm not convinced that that's going to have nearly the same impact as parent involvement. Maybe the ski school might be willing to address it from a school point of view. The one thing that I'd be really concerned about with this part of the challenge that you're facing is that when the young friend finds out, it's entirely possible that this little kid's going to say no, no, no. He was the one that told me that I should take the photos. I didn't say it, he told it to me. And so all of a sudden, your son's now in hot water as well. So it's a really tricky one and you just want to go slowly and tread carefully. Now, let's go back to your son and how you can empower him overwhelmingly, your son has to know, he has to receive the reassurance that he did the right thing by telling you. So how do you do that? You give him a hug, You say, you're so brave, I'm so glad you told me. You let him know all of the good things that he's done here. And you also encourage him to say no if his friend ever ask asks him to do anything that makes him uncomfortable, and to tell trusted adall if he sees or hears anything at all that's concerning. What he could also do is tell his friend that he's not comfortable that his friend wants to do that. He might even tell his friend that he might need to tell somebody if he continues to suggest that he's going to do these things. Your son needs to be empowered. This could make him really unpopular. He could become the pariah of the playground. But right now he's doing the right thing, and at seven, he's doing the developmentally appropriate thing, and he needs to just be embraced because of it. And I guess the last thing that I would say, Emily is stay vigilant. You want to keep an eye on your son's friendships and his online activity. You definitely need to respect his privacy, but he's only seven, so his privacy comes second to his safety. Watch out for red flags, and just keep an eye on him and keep the conversation going. Absolutely, Emily, great question, really important one, and increasingly, as we're seeing more and more young people in kindergarten first grade, second grade, third grade, who are being exposed to explicit content and explicit themes and literally living them out in school playgrounds, in school classrooms, saying things that are inappropriate to their classmates and even their school teachers. We've got to talk about this stuff. It's hard to talk about, it's horrible to talk about, but we need to have the conversations. Why. Because this situation, as concerning as it is, ultimately is an opportunity for you, as a parent to teach your son really valuable lessons about respect and consent, and about boundaries and about what makes a healthy relationship. And if you can be calm and proactive, I think you're going to help and navigate this situation and build a really strong foundation so that he can make safe and responsible choices in the future. Thanks so much for the question. That's it for today's Ask Justin podcast. If you would like to submit your question, it's just go to Happy families dot com. Use the super simple system on the website, Go to the homepage, click the record button at the podcast section start talking. That's all you need to do. The Happy Family podcast is produced by Justin Rouland from Bridge Media. If you want more information, about making your family happier. Send us to your questions happy families dot com dot you, or visit us at our website and social media pages. Doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families