Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this is the episode for you to listen to. We're going to talk about all things trust, the difference between living and just existing. I just felt the need to encourage some of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking with me now for three years, and I said every episode, I don't take your listening and you're downloading the episodes for granted add at all. Maybe tug on a friend and tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all, we are really in the month of May. It really is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope you're moving with it. I began to think about the difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge the areas that I've just been existing in and areas that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because life is going to always present a set of challenges, and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place divine help around me. But that is going to require trust, which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh, I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years because of my lack of trust. And I've got to get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to work for me and think they have to perform for my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let me do this to make sure that she no, no, no, no no. I want you to be you. And I've been reading this book. It's a brand new book by doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries. He's got boundaries and dating boundary, I mean just so many. He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he talks to you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana. So he's got a definite down to earth approach. And the subtitle of his book Trust is called knowing when to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix it when it gets broken. So I'm going to dive into some of those excerpts later. But I was trying to just figure out areas that I'm thriving in and then areas where, man, have I just gotten so numb in certain areas, And so I just felt led to encourage some folks out there who are kind of walking through life a little numb, because that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like when you go to the doctor and they have to give you a shot, or you're getting some dental work done and you gotta get a shot so they'll numb the area, and it's kind of like for your protection, so that you don't feel the pain. I will never forget a couple of years ago, I had a dream that I was being rolled into a surgical room and I was getting surgery or they were gonna cut a leg or something, but they did not want to give me anesthesia, and I remember I kept screaming I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. Like bro, give me medicine, give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes, numbing the area that's painful before you put a needle lined or do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It is a form of protection so that we're not terrorized by pain later, so that we're not terrorized to go to the doctor, you know, for surgery or to get you know, a shot or medicine, and you got to get an IV. I get it, I get it. But there are some times where you're gonna actually have to feel the pain in order to heal the pain. I cannot heal something that I don't feel. You cannot walk around numb your entire life, because to me, when you're walking around no, that means there's some areas of healing. And I think we lessen the quality of life when we walk around just so numb and we just want to be so disassociated. And actually disassociation is actually a trauma response. It's what is happening to you as you are being abused or in an unsafe environment. You literally mentally disassociate yourself. It's like out of body. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to feel it. I remember back in twenty eighteen, I had a moment of disassociation, and I don't remember the phone calls made to me. I don't remember anything that I even did in that period of time. So you can chucks. It could be disassociation, or it could even be a psychotic break, like you're so traumatized you just now. This is different to me blacking out before to do harm to somebody else. I'm talking about what happens when something has been done to you, or you've gotten some news that you just couldn't handle. Have you ever seen a love doing or maybe yourself when you got news that someone passed away and it was unexpected and you pass out, You black out, You don't remember anything right. But then there's sometimes where we are aware of the moment, but for the future, we just do things in our life where we're like, you know, I don't want to feel the pain. It's because you don't want to feel the pain. You won't go over Grandma's house anymore because y'all are so close. And when she passed away. You just can't. You don't want to feel the pain. You don't want to. You don't want to smell fried chicken no more because it reminds you of your best friend, because y'all used to smoke weed and eat chicken wings when you had the munchies, and now they're no longer here. Or you're even reading someone who's actually maybe y'all broke up and you just want to disassociate yourself from the memories, or you want to disassociate yourself from the pain that they caused you. I get it, but we got to heal that pain so we can be able to feel the wind on our cheeks, the sun beat on our face. You want to be able to feel the love that someone else is trying to give you, But because you're so blocked off, you can't feel love. And I know you ain't given love. So I just wanted to speak into that, you know, and sometimes in order to feel the pain to heal it, I would encourage you to unpack that pain with someone, a professional or someone that you deem safe. Well, what do you mean, Michelle, So if you want to unpack your pain with someone and process your pain, with a friend. Some steps are asked that friend and be like, hey, I want to process something with you, something that's just been weighing me down. But before I unload on you emotionally, are you in a place to help me right now? Now? You're a safe person, And if that person is a safe person, you are giving them the choice to say, of course, let's talk. Or that person might say, Hey, let me put my kids to bed right quick, let me feed the dogs, let me make sure my partner has eaten, and I'm gonna call you back in an hour. Or that person might say I want to give y'all permission to even tell that person like, man, I'm in a place right now that I can listen, But I just want to let you know I'm in a place right now where you might not want to hear my advice on a situation because I'm going through it too. So I'm just giving you variations of of how to ask somebody and and what a safe person's response can be. An unsafe person will be like, man, I hope we ain't finna talk about so and so because I told you not to date them in the first place. See if you didn't date them you wouldn't be heartbroken if man I told you not to move back to so and so. That's unsafe a safe person. I've already given you a couple variations of how a safe person will respond if you decide you want to unpack the pain or unpacked the pain with a professional counselor. But I really want you to get that weight off of you. I feel like the pain you carry is weight. It's kind of like imagine if you're trying to walk on a beautiful beach and you got buckets in your hand because you're supposed to be collecting sand, but it's nothing but stones, and each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret, And it seems like it's light to carry at first, but the longer you keep walking, it gets heavier. So I want you to be able to walk through life and unburden yourselves. I want you to lighten your load. To my friends that are listening, who listen every week, I want to call your name individually, but baby girl, unload that pain. That pain is not your identity. It is not who you are. The pain that someone inflicted on you is not who you are the disappointment you feel. That's not your identity. You have nothing to do with that. But you are responsible for your healing. You cannot put your healing in the hands of the person that hurt you in the first place. Nine times out of ten they have moved on with their life. They probably don't even know that you hurt. They hurt you because they're so toxic, they're so used to living in dysfunction that they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no, it is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't mean it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is not normal, verbally, physically, in any kind of way. It's not cool, all right. So that will get you to a place of living and not just existing because you chose to numb yourself because of all the pain that you're in. And maybe maybe you're not the person in pain. Maybe you're in relationship with someone who is and it's affecting the quality of your relationships. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, just people you friends with. Some how you cool it. They always come into the house down, They always negative that they're in pain. Help them, maybe initiate the conversation and be like, friend, it's been about four years. I don't know whether it's been a year four years and we keep talking about the same thing, or I knowice like you just seem so irritable, and irritability is often mistake for anger when it's really depression, all right. So that person could just be depressed because they haven't had an outlet or a safe place to share you know what they've been going through, you know what I mean. My pastor said something on Sunday, He said some people want attention, not intervention. So you gonna have those people in your life as well. But make sure it's not you, all right, And make sure that when a person is talking to you, you have permission to say I hear what you're saying, and thank you so much for sharing. Are you just wanting me to listen? Or do you want my advice? Or can I help you with a solution, especially if you have a track record of great solutions, Especially if you have a great track record like I'm gonna take advice from somebody who got a life that I want to live. Well, I guess you can also listen to people who live a life you don't want to live because of bad choices that they made. You can look at them and be like, Okay, you a blueprint and you out of life that I don't want to live, but it's a possibility. Like I feel like I have the authority to speak on areas of healing depression, anxiety. I feel like I've walked through enough. I feel like I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe. I hope I've been a good witness to y'all about being resilient, getting that bounced back, you know, from situations that were meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me, or make me just want to give up on life. Through the grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh, I'm here. I'm here, and there are so many other people who've got a great track record of living this life that you can talk to. And so I really pray that, and I hope y'all allow me to say the word pray. My prayer is that you get surrounded with safe people and people you can trust. So, speaking of trust, I have been reading this book called Trust by doctor Henry Cloud. Again. The subtitle is knowing when to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix it when it gets broken. Y'all, we gotta trust. Have you ever heard people that say, I don't trust nobody, but you get on an airplane. You don't know the pilot, you don't know the flight attendance, but you on that plane. I don't trust nobody, but you get your food delivered. I don't trust nobody, but you drive a car hoping that everybody obeys the traffic signals and stop signs. Child, you ain't got that one person, So ask them if you don't trust nobody. You took the subway to work today, did you trust the conductor and that the train would not derail based on the people that are to ensure that the train stays on the rail. So you trust somebody, all right? Ain't that funny? So there are some things in the book where he says we can become better and better at knowing who is trustworthy and who is not, and we can get better at deciding when and with whom we will put ourselves at risk. Loving someone is a risk. Being in relationship with some is a risk. Chow some of your coworkers is a risk, But it is a risk that majority of the time you will find that it was a risk worth taking. There's a part in this book that says, possibly everyone reading this book, including me, has been victimized by a betrayal small or large that still stings. We all have our stories of misplaced trust. We either missed warning signs and moved forward when we shouldn't have, or worse, the warning signs were not visible, y'all. I definitely moved forward on something when I shouldn't have. Before, I moved forward on doing a reality show when something in the pit of my stomach said do not do it, and we did it anyway, And I think we both did it because we were like, no, this is just the first time of doing something like this. We're just afraid. No. No, God was trying to protect. He was trying to protect so much in that season of my life, but I did not heed to that warning. Missing warning signs. This book says everything about the situation looked good on the surface, and maybe it was, but we got burned. Anyway, when we look back, we say to ourselves, I just didn't see that coming, or how could they have done that to me? We were such good friends or lovers or partners. How could they have treated me that way? And sometimes it is not even an actual betrayal, but someone's honest inability to do what we need. We don't have good answers, but we do have scars. I promise you that you will never be betrayed or let down again after reading this book. Okay. One of the goals of the book is to equip you to know how to read between the lines of what someone tells you, tries to sell you, or promises you, and to be able to see what is trustworthy and what is not. Listen, I got to have him on the podcast. But this blessed me so much and blessed me so much, especially when you are in a situation where you're like, Okay, I don't trust, but I want to trust. This book even says that trust muscles can be repaired. Isn't that encouraging? Because maybe you were the person that inflicted pain, right, and so you are worth looking to establish trust in a relationship again. And so I was encouraged. You know when he said in the book that trust muscles can be repaired. You gotta heal first, get past the anger and need for revenge and forgive ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and then a new track record being built. So while you're building those trust muscles, somebody should be able to look back and say, ma'am, you really hurt me or you really disappointed me, but your track record these past six months or this past year has helped me rebuild my trust in you. Listen, you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm gonna I'm gonna need someone to trust me again. And I have been in that place where I needed someone to trust me again. And I love I love love, love, love love love. The five essentials of trust, he says that you can trust someone when you feel your needs or understood, felt and cared about. So that's understanding. The second essential love trust is motive, when he says you can trust someone when you feel their motive is for you, not just for themselves. I have been in situations where I've been asked to do something and I be like, now, how that's gonna work out for me? What's in it for me? Now? There are moments where you do do things for people because you're like, God's been so good to me. I don't need nothing out of this I'm gonna show up, I'm there, let's go. But then there are some people you're like, they kind of got an opportuneist spirit on them, right, So you can trust someone when you feel that even when they ask of you to do something, you still feel like their motive is for you and not just for themselves. A thirty central love trust is ability. You can trust someone when you feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have and trusted to them. Okay, some of y'all are in partnership with a friend loved one. Y'all are opening up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey, we gonna do a food truck, or we gonna have a dance group, or we're gonna design clothes together. And they keep missing deadlines, your trust is eventually waning or they barely meet the deadline, and you're like, I don't trust that you're gonna deliver. I don't trust that you can do this work. So another essential of trust is the ability. Do they have the ability to deliver results for what you've been trusted them to do. Maybe you have a company and you've hired someone and they keep dropping the ball. The amazing thing about this book is just not trust as it relates to romantic partners or family. It's also for leaders. It's also for business owners. It's you know, you're like, yo, I got employees, and to what them keep dropping the ball. I'm starting to lose trust in them. Baby, listen, they gotta know honey, you lose and trust in them and they finna lose what they say, You about to lose your job. The fourth e centerl of trust is character. You can trust someone who has the character or personal makeup needed for what you and trust them with Trusting someone who has the character. Ooh. Character is so important because it's not it's not what you do really on stage, it's how are you off the stage? It's not what you do in front of everybody. What are you like behind closed doors? Hey? Oh, I know for me, that's something you gotta work on every day because I don't want to be the person where it's like the world adores me, but my kids one day or my husband one day is lit. But she was a witch at home? You know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, you will all of that to match. No, it's all gotta make sense. Character people, the fifth essentials of trust is you can trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways you need them to perform. Track record, all right, you can trust someone who has the track record of just showing up when people say they're gonna do something. They're there, you're getting ready to move, and someone says, Okay, I'm beat, I may help you pack it all up, and I'm gonna let you use my truck, and we wo and then they don't show up, they don't call, and they've done this like twice on you. Mm hmmm. Y'all. It blessed me so much. And the five essentials of trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character, and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two questions of myself. It made me ask who is in my life that has these five essentials? Who is in your life that has those five essentials? And then the other question I had was do I carry these essentials in me? Can people say that I have those five essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right, but like, how many people have maybe had to set a boundary with me, Lisa, I'm setting boundaries. I don't trust nobody. Well, do people trust you? Do you carry those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure? Can people say that you show up up? Can people say you know what so and so is a hot mess? But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful. I know I got at least one hand of people that I can name right now that are consistent. We might not talk every day every week, but they are consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful. But I always got to make sure that that level of trust and how I need people to show up for me. I gotta make sure that I show up for them and don't just show up when it's convenient. Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents, lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can you instacart them some some groceries? Child, I'll never forget during COVID, if folks that I knew were sick, I'd be like, well, at least let me send you some ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house. But let me send you this good old chicken soup and some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little drinks that you can just shoot them and just swallow them in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now, that's me. But as you get older, you really value and cherish relationships more than ever before. I really value and cherish the relationships that I have, and I certainly certain lead value you. I really do. I certainly value the relationships that I have with you, guys, and truly truly thankful. So let me know. When it comes to trust, it's not a game. It says to trust is human. When we can't trust, we lose a lot of the human experience. He's a psychologist, so he was saying, how you might have heard of mirror neurons. They are another example of how we are wired for trust. In the most basic terms, neurons function as communicators in the body. They receive and transmit information and stimuli. I mean, he's going really, really, really really into it, he says. The brain of the person we are talking to forms a connection with us and mirrors our feelings and expressions in a deep, natural bond. That cause is the two of us to connect even more deeply. Love, growth, faith, physical health, economic success, and more. These all run on trust, and without trust, things stagnate or even die. When we realize that trust is not optional, that all of human life is designed and wired to only work when we trust, we begin to treat trust with the utmost respect. Listen, trust, It sounds like to me, trust is a gift and we just got to know when to give it, when to withhold it. Trust is a gift, how to earn it, and how to fix it when it gets broken. If someone you love has broken their trust with you, but you want to trust them again, or you want them to make sure that they're building that track creck trust record of trust, I would say, get this book. Trust Doctor Henry Cloud is a trusted voice. And so I want to say this before I go. I want to apologize to you. If you feel like no one has apologized to you for the area that you were disappointed in a betrayal of trust. I want to apologize to you, and I want to encourage you to start working on the healing journey on your own. Because some of us are upset about apologies. We will never get all right, So I want you to thrive. I want you to live. I don't want you to just walk around here numb and just existing like a zombie. Matter of fact, listen to JJ Harriston's song it's called You're Gonna Live because you're gonna live to see it happen. You're gonna live to see you trusting again. You're gonna live to see you loving again. You're gonna see you thriving again, all right, and you're gonna see you picking up that area where you had big dreams and you just set it down because you don't trust. No, that's not gonna be your portion. Because by the end of this year, I pray to get one testimony from this episode that you've decided to live and trust. I truly, truly hope and pray that this episode touched your heart, maybe is helping you and causing you to think of things in another way as it relates to trust. Who to trust, when to trust, should you trust ever again? And that you begin to live life if you are one of the ones who have just been kind of walking through life, existing and just kind of numb to everything, because that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. Always know that I love you. You are so loved. If you need any resources, please don't hesitate to DM me on Instagram. My instagram is at Michelle Williams. All Right, I love y'all so so much, and thank you for tuning in to another episode of Checking In. Checking In with Michelle Williams is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Listen if you think you just need, you know, a little wisdom, some encouragement, this is the episode for you to listen to. We're going to talk about all things trust, the difference between living and just existing. I just felt the need to encourage some of the listeners out there. Y'all have been rocking with me now for three years, and I said every episode, I don't take your listening and you're downloading the episodes for granted add at all. Maybe tug on a friend and tell them, hey, this episode is for you. All right, y'all, we are really in the month of May. It really is the fifth month of twenty twenty three, y'all. This month is moving, This year is moving, and I hope you're moving with it. I began to think about the difference between living and existing and just trying to gauge the areas that I've just been existing in and areas that I think I'm thriving in, thriving and living because life is going to always present a set of challenges, and my desire is for divine strategy and divine wisdom on how to navigate the obstacles and challenges that come my way, not only divine wisdom and strategies on how to overcome those obstacles. It's like, okay, also, Lord place divine help around me. But that is going to require trust, which I think I've said before, I haven't had an assistant. Ooh, I haven't had a real assistant in over ten years because of my lack of trust. And I've got to get over that. I've got to give people an opportunity not to prove themselves, because I wouldn't want anyone to work for me and think they have to perform for my trust. Now what do I mean perform? Well, let me do this to make sure that she no, no, no, no no. I want you to be you. And I've been reading this book. It's a brand new book by doctor Henry Cloud called Trust. So y'all know doctor Henry Cloud is one of my favorite author of Safe People and Boundaries. He's got a few different versions of boundaries. He's got boundaries and dating boundary, I mean just so many. He's the bomb, amazing great psychologists, but he talks to you in a practical way. He's from Louisiana. So he's got a definite down to earth approach. And the subtitle of his book Trust is called knowing when to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix it when it gets broken. So I'm going to dive into some of those excerpts later. But I was trying to just figure out areas that I'm thriving in and then areas where, man, have I just gotten so numb in certain areas, And so I just felt led to encourage some folks out there who are kind of walking through life a little numb, because that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. You know, like when you go to the doctor and they have to give you a shot, or you're getting some dental work done and you gotta get a shot so they'll numb the area, and it's kind of like for your protection, so that you don't feel the pain. I will never forget a couple of years ago, I had a dream that I was being rolled into a surgical room and I was getting surgery or they were gonna cut a leg or something, but they did not want to give me anesthesia, and I remember I kept screaming I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to feel the pain. Like bro, give me medicine, give me anesthesia. Numb the area. So, yes, numbing the area that's painful before you put a needle lined or do surgery or whatever. Yeah, that's good. It is a form of protection so that we're not terrorized by pain later, so that we're not terrorized to go to the doctor, you know, for surgery or to get you know, a shot or medicine, and you got to get an IV. I get it, I get it. But there are some times where you're gonna actually have to feel the pain in order to heal the pain. I cannot heal something that I don't feel. You cannot walk around numb your entire life, because to me, when you're walking around no, that means there's some areas of healing. And I think we lessen the quality of life when we walk around just so numb and we just want to be so disassociated. And actually disassociation is actually a trauma response. It's what is happening to you as you are being abused or in an unsafe environment. You literally mentally disassociate yourself. It's like out of body. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to feel it. I remember back in twenty eighteen, I had a moment of disassociation, and I don't remember the phone calls made to me. I don't remember anything that I even did in that period of time. So you can chucks. It could be disassociation, or it could even be a psychotic break, like you're so traumatized you just now. This is different to me blacking out before to do harm to somebody else. I'm talking about what happens when something has been done to you, or you've gotten some news that you just couldn't handle. Have you ever seen a love doing or maybe yourself when you got news that someone passed away and it was unexpected and you pass out, You black out, You don't remember anything right. But then there's sometimes where we are aware of the moment, but for the future, we just do things in our life where we're like, you know, I don't want to feel the pain. It's because you don't want to feel the pain. You won't go over Grandma's house anymore because y'all are so close. And when she passed away. You just can't. You don't want to feel the pain. You don't want to. You don't want to smell fried chicken no more because it reminds you of your best friend, because y'all used to smoke weed and eat chicken wings when you had the munchies, and now they're no longer here. Or you're even reading someone who's actually maybe y'all broke up and you just want to disassociate yourself from the memories, or you want to disassociate yourself from the pain that they caused you. I get it, but we got to heal that pain so we can be able to feel the wind on our cheeks, the sun beat on our face. You want to be able to feel the love that someone else is trying to give you, But because you're so blocked off, you can't feel love. And I know you ain't given love. So I just wanted to speak into that, you know, and sometimes in order to feel the pain to heal it, I would encourage you to unpack that pain with someone, a professional or someone that you deem safe. Well, what do you mean, Michelle, So if you want to unpack your pain with someone and process your pain, with a friend. Some steps are asked that friend and be like, hey, I want to process something with you, something that's just been weighing me down. But before I unload on you emotionally, are you in a place to help me right now? Now? You're a safe person, And if that person is a safe person, you are giving them the choice to say, of course, let's talk. Or that person might say, Hey, let me put my kids to bed right quick, let me feed the dogs, let me make sure my partner has eaten, and I'm gonna call you back in an hour. Or that person might say I want to give y'all permission to even tell that person like, man, I'm in a place right now that I can listen, But I just want to let you know I'm in a place right now where you might not want to hear my advice on a situation because I'm going through it too. So I'm just giving you variations of of how to ask somebody and and what a safe person's response can be. An unsafe person will be like, man, I hope we ain't finna talk about so and so because I told you not to date them in the first place. See if you didn't date them you wouldn't be heartbroken if man I told you not to move back to so and so. That's unsafe a safe person. I've already given you a couple variations of how a safe person will respond if you decide you want to unpack the pain or unpacked the pain with a professional counselor. But I really want you to get that weight off of you. I feel like the pain you carry is weight. It's kind of like imagine if you're trying to walk on a beautiful beach and you got buckets in your hand because you're supposed to be collecting sand, but it's nothing but stones, and each stone represents pain you're carrying. Each stone represents betrayal, disappointment, regret, And it seems like it's light to carry at first, but the longer you keep walking, it gets heavier. So I want you to be able to walk through life and unburden yourselves. I want you to lighten your load. To my friends that are listening, who listen every week, I want to call your name individually, but baby girl, unload that pain. That pain is not your identity. It is not who you are. The pain that someone inflicted on you is not who you are the disappointment you feel. That's not your identity. You have nothing to do with that. But you are responsible for your healing. You cannot put your healing in the hands of the person that hurt you in the first place. Nine times out of ten they have moved on with their life. They probably don't even know that you hurt. They hurt you because they're so toxic, they're so used to living in dysfunction that they think it's normal. No, no, no, no, no, it is not normal. Just because you survive dysfunction, don't mean it's normal, all right. Surviving abuse, being abused is not normal, verbally, physically, in any kind of way. It's not cool, all right. So that will get you to a place of living and not just existing because you chose to numb yourself because of all the pain that you're in. And maybe maybe you're not the person in pain. Maybe you're in relationship with someone who is and it's affecting the quality of your relationships. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships, just people you friends with. Some how you cool it. They always come into the house down, They always negative that they're in pain. Help them, maybe initiate the conversation and be like, friend, it's been about four years. I don't know whether it's been a year four years and we keep talking about the same thing, or I knowice like you just seem so irritable, and irritability is often mistake for anger when it's really depression, all right. So that person could just be depressed because they haven't had an outlet or a safe place to share you know what they've been going through, you know what I mean. My pastor said something on Sunday, He said some people want attention, not intervention. So you gonna have those people in your life as well. But make sure it's not you, all right, And make sure that when a person is talking to you, you have permission to say I hear what you're saying, and thank you so much for sharing. Are you just wanting me to listen? Or do you want my advice? Or can I help you with a solution, especially if you have a track record of great solutions, Especially if you have a great track record like I'm gonna take advice from somebody who got a life that I want to live. Well, I guess you can also listen to people who live a life you don't want to live because of bad choices that they made. You can look at them and be like, Okay, you a blueprint and you out of life that I don't want to live, but it's a possibility. Like I feel like I have the authority to speak on areas of healing depression, anxiety. I feel like I've walked through enough. I feel like I've overcome enough. I feel like I believe. I hope I've been a good witness to y'all about being resilient, getting that bounced back, you know, from situations that were meant to kill me, humiliate me, embarrass me, or make me just want to give up on life. Through the grace of God and y'all's prayers and support, oooh, I'm here. I'm here, and there are so many other people who've got a great track record of living this life that you can talk to. And so I really pray that, and I hope y'all allow me to say the word pray. My prayer is that you get surrounded with safe people and people you can trust. So, speaking of trust, I have been reading this book called Trust by doctor Henry Cloud. Again. The subtitle is knowing when to give it, when to withhold it, how to earn it, and how to fix it when it gets broken. Y'all, we gotta trust. Have you ever heard people that say, I don't trust nobody, but you get on an airplane. You don't know the pilot, you don't know the flight attendance, but you on that plane. I don't trust nobody, but you get your food delivered. I don't trust nobody, but you drive a car hoping that everybody obeys the traffic signals and stop signs. Child, you ain't got that one person, So ask them if you don't trust nobody. You took the subway to work today, did you trust the conductor and that the train would not derail based on the people that are to ensure that the train stays on the rail. So you trust somebody, all right? Ain't that funny? So there are some things in the book where he says we can become better and better at knowing who is trustworthy and who is not, and we can get better at deciding when and with whom we will put ourselves at risk. Loving someone is a risk. Being in relationship with some is a risk. Chow some of your coworkers is a risk, But it is a risk that majority of the time you will find that it was a risk worth taking. There's a part in this book that says, possibly everyone reading this book, including me, has been victimized by a betrayal small or large that still stings. We all have our stories of misplaced trust. We either missed warning signs and moved forward when we shouldn't have, or worse, the warning signs were not visible, y'all. I definitely moved forward on something when I shouldn't have. Before, I moved forward on doing a reality show when something in the pit of my stomach said do not do it, and we did it anyway, And I think we both did it because we were like, no, this is just the first time of doing something like this. We're just afraid. No. No, God was trying to protect. He was trying to protect so much in that season of my life, but I did not heed to that warning. Missing warning signs. This book says everything about the situation looked good on the surface, and maybe it was, but we got burned. Anyway, when we look back, we say to ourselves, I just didn't see that coming, or how could they have done that to me? We were such good friends or lovers or partners. How could they have treated me that way? And sometimes it is not even an actual betrayal, but someone's honest inability to do what we need. We don't have good answers, but we do have scars. I promise you that you will never be betrayed or let down again after reading this book. Okay. One of the goals of the book is to equip you to know how to read between the lines of what someone tells you, tries to sell you, or promises you, and to be able to see what is trustworthy and what is not. Listen, I got to have him on the podcast. But this blessed me so much and blessed me so much, especially when you are in a situation where you're like, Okay, I don't trust, but I want to trust. This book even says that trust muscles can be repaired. Isn't that encouraging? Because maybe you were the person that inflicted pain, right, and so you are worth looking to establish trust in a relationship again. And so I was encouraged. You know when he said in the book that trust muscles can be repaired. You gotta heal first, get past the anger and need for revenge and forgive ponder and determine its reconciliation possible, and then a new track record being built. So while you're building those trust muscles, somebody should be able to look back and say, ma'am, you really hurt me or you really disappointed me, but your track record these past six months or this past year has helped me rebuild my trust in you. Listen, you ain't perfect. I'm not perfect. I'm gonna I'm gonna need someone to trust me again. And I have been in that place where I needed someone to trust me again. And I love I love love, love, love love love. The five essentials of trust, he says that you can trust someone when you feel your needs or understood, felt and cared about. So that's understanding. The second essential love trust is motive, when he says you can trust someone when you feel their motive is for you, not just for themselves. I have been in situations where I've been asked to do something and I be like, now, how that's gonna work out for me? What's in it for me? Now? There are moments where you do do things for people because you're like, God's been so good to me. I don't need nothing out of this I'm gonna show up, I'm there, let's go. But then there are some people you're like, they kind of got an opportuneist spirit on them, right, So you can trust someone when you feel that even when they ask of you to do something, you still feel like their motive is for you and not just for themselves. A thirty central love trust is ability. You can trust someone when you feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have and trusted to them. Okay, some of y'all are in partnership with a friend loved one. Y'all are opening up a business. Uh, y'all decided, Hey, we gonna do a food truck, or we gonna have a dance group, or we're gonna design clothes together. And they keep missing deadlines, your trust is eventually waning or they barely meet the deadline, and you're like, I don't trust that you're gonna deliver. I don't trust that you can do this work. So another essential of trust is the ability. Do they have the ability to deliver results for what you've been trusted them to do. Maybe you have a company and you've hired someone and they keep dropping the ball. The amazing thing about this book is just not trust as it relates to romantic partners or family. It's also for leaders. It's also for business owners. It's you know, you're like, yo, I got employees, and to what them keep dropping the ball. I'm starting to lose trust in them. Baby, listen, they gotta know honey, you lose and trust in them and they finna lose what they say, You about to lose your job. The fourth e centerl of trust is character. You can trust someone who has the character or personal makeup needed for what you and trust them with Trusting someone who has the character. Ooh. Character is so important because it's not it's not what you do really on stage, it's how are you off the stage? It's not what you do in front of everybody. What are you like behind closed doors? Hey? Oh, I know for me, that's something you gotta work on every day because I don't want to be the person where it's like the world adores me, but my kids one day or my husband one day is lit. But she was a witch at home? You know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, you will all of that to match. No, it's all gotta make sense. Character people, the fifth essentials of trust is you can trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways you need them to perform. Track record, all right, you can trust someone who has the track record of just showing up when people say they're gonna do something. They're there, you're getting ready to move, and someone says, Okay, I'm beat, I may help you pack it all up, and I'm gonna let you use my truck, and we wo and then they don't show up, they don't call, and they've done this like twice on you. Mm hmmm. Y'all. It blessed me so much. And the five essentials of trust again, those five essentials are under standing, motive, ability, character, and track record. But y'all, it made me ask two questions of myself. It made me ask who is in my life that has these five essentials? Who is in your life that has those five essentials? And then the other question I had was do I carry these essentials in me? Can people say that I have those five essentials of trust? I've been big on talking about setting boundaries, right, but like, how many people have maybe had to set a boundary with me, Lisa, I'm setting boundaries. I don't trust nobody. Well, do people trust you? Do you carry those five trust essentials? Can people say your motive is pure? Can people say that you show up up? Can people say you know what so and so is a hot mess? But they are consistent, they got my back. I'm so grateful. I know I got at least one hand of people that I can name right now that are consistent. We might not talk every day every week, but they are consistent in showing up. They are consistent in how they move towards me and with me. I'm thankful, I'm super thankful. But I always got to make sure that that level of trust and how I need people to show up for me. I gotta make sure that I show up for them and don't just show up when it's convenient. Isn't it something where you're like, you know, I got a call off work, but I'm gonna be there for you in your time need. I'm gonna take a vacation day and I'm gonna be there. Somebody might lost their parents, lost a loved one, or lost a job and they're going through depression. Can you show up for somebody? Can you instacart them some some groceries? Child, I'll never forget during COVID, if folks that I knew were sick, I'd be like, well, at least let me send you some ginger rell because I ain't coming to your house. But let me send you this good old chicken soup and some turmeric and ginger probiotic. You know them little drinks that you can just shoot them and just swallow them in like two seconds. Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm gonna send you some groceries in a minute, now, that's me. But as you get older, you really value and cherish relationships more than ever before. I really value and cherish the relationships that I have, and I certainly certain lead value you. I really do. I certainly value the relationships that I have with you, guys, and truly truly thankful. So let me know. When it comes to trust, it's not a game. It says to trust is human. When we can't trust, we lose a lot of the human experience. He's a psychologist, so he was saying, how you might have heard of mirror neurons. They are another example of how we are wired for trust. In the most basic terms, neurons function as communicators in the body. They receive and transmit information and stimuli. I mean, he's going really, really, really really into it, he says. The brain of the person we are talking to forms a connection with us and mirrors our feelings and expressions in a deep, natural bond. That cause is the two of us to connect even more deeply. Love, growth, faith, physical health, economic success, and more. These all run on trust, and without trust, things stagnate or even die. When we realize that trust is not optional, that all of human life is designed and wired to only work when we trust, we begin to treat trust with the utmost respect. Listen, trust, It sounds like to me, trust is a gift and we just got to know when to give it, when to withhold it. Trust is a gift, how to earn it, and how to fix it when it gets broken. If someone you love has broken their trust with you, but you want to trust them again, or you want them to make sure that they're building that track creck trust record of trust, I would say, get this book. Trust Doctor Henry Cloud is a trusted voice. And so I want to say this before I go. I want to apologize to you. If you feel like no one has apologized to you for the area that you were disappointed in a betrayal of trust. I want to apologize to you, and I want to encourage you to start working on the healing journey on your own. Because some of us are upset about apologies. We will never get all right, So I want you to thrive. I want you to live. I don't want you to just walk around here numb and just existing like a zombie. Matter of fact, listen to JJ Harriston's song it's called You're Gonna Live because you're gonna live to see it happen. You're gonna live to see you trusting again. You're gonna live to see you loving again. You're gonna see you thriving again, all right, and you're gonna see you picking up that area where you had big dreams and you just set it down because you don't trust. No, that's not gonna be your portion. Because by the end of this year, I pray to get one testimony from this episode that you've decided to live and trust. I truly, truly hope and pray that this episode touched your heart, maybe is helping you and causing you to think of things in another way as it relates to trust. Who to trust, when to trust, should you trust ever again? And that you begin to live life if you are one of the ones who have just been kind of walking through life, existing and just kind of numb to everything, because that's how you've chosen to protect yourself. Always know that I love you. You are so loved. If you need any resources, please don't hesitate to DM me on Instagram. My instagram is at Michelle Williams. All Right, I love y'all so so much, and thank you for tuning in to another episode of Checking In. Checking In with Michelle Williams is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.