Hi guys, and welcome to another new episode of couch Talks on it You Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat and couch Talks is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys send to me and you can send those to me through email at Catherine at therapypodcast dot com. Now, as always, this podcast never serves as a replacement or a substitute for actual mental health services. Although these things that you learn and hear an experience might help you along the way in your journey to figuring out what you need and might help you along the way in figuring out if you want to go to therapy or what you want to talk about in therapy and all of that, so they can be helpful, but these aren't actual mental health services. Now, as always couch Talks, I try to keep it on the format of reading one listener question and then talking about it and give some feedback and insight and maybe offer some questions that might help whatever it is that the listener is writing into me with. And sometimes I go off the format and sometimes I just do what I want. But today, for the second week in a row, we are going to stick on that. So I am going to read a email that I got from a listener, and then we're going to talk about it. So here is an email. Hey, Kat, one of my close friends has a habit of always trying to find a bright side when it comes to the rest of us going through something. For example, I recently found out that I didn't get a job I wanted and her response was, at least you still have a job and another friend broker leg and we'll be in a cast for the summer. And she said, well, at least you won't have to have surgery. I'm absolutely sure she means well. She is one of the nicest people you could ever meet, and she'd be horrified to think that this positivity is at the least bordering on toxic and is not being received in the way that I'm sure she means it, which is why I have no idea how to approach it with her. I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think that she can't say anything when her friends are going through something. I'd have no problem telling her why it's not helpful if I thought she was being intentionally hurtful. But I am confident that she's not, so how do I gently tell her I just want a little empathy and spaced event, not a bright side that feels like it diminishes what I'm feeling. So this is such a good question and something that I think is important to talk about over and over because it's a tough subject and it is coming up over and over and more and more because of kind of the state of the world and how the world is progressing. I did a whole episode titled is My Positivity Toxic? A couple months ago, maybe last year, because in the past couple of years there has been an increase in this positivity that borders invalidating, And because of this, then there's the secondary fear of being too positive, and so it's become this black or white thing, like we have too much positive or we're not allowed to have any at all. And it's tough. It's really hard to discern, like what's right, what's appropriate? When am I being helpful? When am I being hurtful, especially because we're all so different, and what might be really helpful for one person may not be helpful to someone else, and that can be really hard to actually understand. That's a really easy sentence for me to say, and I think it's a really easy sentence to hear, But when it comes down to it, I think it's really hard to like sit with and hold what might be really helpful to one person might not be helpful to someone else. Now, what actually bugs me about the toxic positivity stuff is how it's portrayed these days, and that it's in this light that is discussed in this idea that it's mean and people who are toxically positive are bad And most of the time, not all the time, but most of the time, I believe people who do come off as toxically positive, and people who do spread positivity that actually feels toxic, I think most of the time they're coming from a good place, which is one reason I love this email so much. There is so much understanding that this person isn't meaning to say something harmful. It's just not what this person needs to hear. And so this question is more about how do I learn how to ask for what I need and how do I learn how to share with my friend what is helpful and what is hurtful versus how do I tell my friend that she's being bad or wrong? Which when we approach things from that perspective, they are so much easier to receive and to hold. And I can receive feedback all day long when it's coming from a place a love and care like this, rather than like calling me out for being like a bad person. Now, often this feedback is given because we want to help people. We want to pull them out of their feelings that are uncomfortable. We want to make people feel better generally, And what sometimes is tough to realize or believe is that sometimes it feels better to sit in the crap and feel the weight of it for a little bit than to just ignore it. And it doesn't mean we need to sit in it forever, but there's power and fully feeling our experiences, not to punish ourselves, but to validate what it is that we are going through. When we push the glass half full agenda, I think sometimes we forget that at the same time, it still is half empty no matter what way you look at it. Both of those things are true at the same time. So in this case, and one of the examples that this listener gave, Yeah, i have a job that I'm grateful for totally, and at the same time, I'm still really sad and I am grieving this opportunity that I was excited about, and I need a little space to sit in that. Right now, we have research, like the world has research. There's plenty of it. You can just do a quick search and you'll find as much as you need that proves that speaking positively about ourselves and our experiences in our lives does improve desired outcomes that we have. And I think that this can look different than what might just pop into someone's head when we think about what speaking and talking and taking on a more optimistic outlook looks like just saying my life is great, God is good, Everything's awesome, and just focusing on all the good things might not be the move. I think that we can say things like I'm really sad and disappointed in this experience, and I believe I am still capable of being satisfied in the future. And I think we can say things like this is really hard for me, and I don't know how I'm going to move through it, and at the same time, I do know that I'm capable of moving through it. Those two things are optimistic. Those two things are positive. So I think that positivity can look like honesty. We don't have to ignore or push aside things to sit in a positive light. We can be honest and look at the realness of the world. We just need space to focus on both separately. Sometimes now this listener is asking, how do I gently tell my friend that I just want a little empathy and space to event I need some space to honor this one side of the truth right now, not a bright side that feels like it kind of diminishes this side of the truth for me, because I mean, going back to one of my favorite things to remind people, we can't heal things that we ignore, right, We can't move through things we refuse to acknowledge. And so if there is sadness, there is disappointment, there is whatever it is, we have to acknowledge it for us to actually be able to process it and move through it. If we're not doing that, then we're just stuffing it somewhere and it's going to come out sideways, or it's going to end up creating some belief system or hurtful inner dialogue if we're not actually peeling through those layers. So how do I do that? How do I tell my friend this and honestly I think just kind of like what you said. It really doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. I think it can be really helpful to just say, like, hey, I'm looking for this right now, do you have a second You can start with this in the beginning of conversations when you're going to a friend for validation, you can actually say, Hey, I need to vent about something. And honestly, I know you're a glass half full kind of person and I really value that about you, and at some point I'm going to really need you to help me see that side. However, right now, I really need space to just feel what I'm feeling right now. I don't want to feel better about it. I don't want to feel different. I just want space to feel it and maybe complain and get all the things out of my head. I'll even personally text or call a friend and say like, hey, I need to be validated for a second, so can you just listen to me and don't give me any feedback. I just want you to say that makes sense, and I want you to remind me that my feelings are real, and I think it's okay to say that. I think it's really powerful to be able to ask for exactly what we need versus come to our friends and then hope that they give us what we're looking for. And also for those on the listening side who are having their friends come to them, it can be very powerful. When our friends don't exactly ask for what they need directly, it can be really powerful to ask them. If they don't say that, if they don't tell us this is what I'm looking for, it can be really powerful to ask them instead of just offering what you might need or what you might want, or what makes you feel less uncomfortable or awkward in that situation. Sometimes your friends might reply, I want you to help me see this is not the end of the world. And sometimes your friends might reply, I want you to just help me see that this is not the end of the world, and I want you to help me see other perspectives. And sometimes they might say, I just want you to listen. That's all I really need you to do, is just like listen and just let me kind of like word vomit on you. I think there's this like underlying expectation when somebody comes to us, that they're coming to us and then we have to fix the issue and I don't think that's what's happening all the time. I think sometimes people are coming to us and they don't want the issue to be fixed, They just want the issue to be acknowledged, And so maybe we're just acknowledging what it is is happening for them in their experience that feels real to them at that moment. Again, there is a time for the bright side. We need that, we need hope, and we need to be able to pull ourselves out of victim mindsets and learn how to use our experiences when that's possible, rather than just like burying ourselves and our experiences, but giving our friends the ability to learn when that time is can be really helpful and giving ourselves like a break, right, So when a friend is coming to us, it's okay to give ourselves a break and say, like, it's not my job to fix this. They didn't ask me to, and if they did ask me to, I don't know if I even could. But it's not my job to fix this, and it's my job to ask my friends what it is that they need and to be there for them and give them that if it's something that I in my moral compass value system and my abilities is able to give. And that's just a long winded way for me to say that a really gentle way and a kind way to ask for what you need in these spaces is just to say that, hey, I'm looking for this blank And I think also if you ask for that, because I think sometimes this happens too, if you ask for that and it's continued to like not be respected, maybe there's still some like feedback your ready to hear yet offer like, hey, I get that, and I value that part of you that is able to see a perspective that I can't see right now. However, at this moment, like I can't receive that, so can you kind of just like validate my experience for the moment, and then when if I want to hear those things, I'll ask you to remind me those things in like a week. But right now I kind of just need somebody to sit with me and be sad with me because this is something that really was painful. So I hope that was helpful. And y'all, I know this toxic positivity stuff is going to continue to be confusing. And I think again, like the theme that I hear in my head over and over again. And the theme that I feel like I say over and over again, and I talk myself some in circle is a way to avoid toxic positivity is to offer agency back to the people that we're with, ask them what they're looking for, rather than to give them what we think that they might need, or again give them what is going to make us feel less uncomfortable. I hope you guys are having the week you need to have, the day you need to have, and I will be back talking to you guys on Monday.

Hi guys, and welcome to another new episode of couch Talks on it You Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat and couch Talks is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys send to me and you can send those to me through email at Catherine at therapypodcast dot com. Now, as always, this podcast never serves as a replacement or a substitute for actual mental health services. Although these things that you learn and hear an experience might help you along the way in your journey to figuring out what you need and might help you along the way in figuring out if you want to go to therapy or what you want to talk about in therapy and all of that, so they can be helpful, but these aren't actual mental health services. Now, as always couch Talks, I try to keep it on the format of reading one listener question and then talking about it and give some feedback and insight and maybe offer some questions that might help whatever it is that the listener is writing into me with. And sometimes I go off the format and sometimes I just do what I want. But today, for the second week in a row, we are going to stick on that. So I am going to read a email that I got from a listener, and then we're going to talk about it. So here is an email. Hey, Kat, one of my close friends has a habit of always trying to find a bright side when it comes to the rest of us going through something. For example, I recently found out that I didn't get a job I wanted and her response was, at least you still have a job and another friend broker leg and we'll be in a cast for the summer. And she said, well, at least you won't have to have surgery. I'm absolutely sure she means well. She is one of the nicest people you could ever meet, and she'd be horrified to think that this positivity is at the least bordering on toxic and is not being received in the way that I'm sure she means it, which is why I have no idea how to approach it with her. I don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think that she can't say anything when her friends are going through something. I'd have no problem telling her why it's not helpful if I thought she was being intentionally hurtful. But I am confident that she's not, so how do I gently tell her I just want a little empathy and spaced event, not a bright side that feels like it diminishes what I'm feeling. So this is such a good question and something that I think is important to talk about over and over because it's a tough subject and it is coming up over and over and more and more because of kind of the state of the world and how the world is progressing. I did a whole episode titled is My Positivity Toxic? A couple months ago, maybe last year, because in the past couple of years there has been an increase in this positivity that borders invalidating, And because of this, then there's the secondary fear of being too positive, and so it's become this black or white thing, like we have too much positive or we're not allowed to have any at all. And it's tough. It's really hard to discern, like what's right, what's appropriate? When am I being helpful? When am I being hurtful, especially because we're all so different, and what might be really helpful for one person may not be helpful to someone else, and that can be really hard to actually understand. That's a really easy sentence for me to say, and I think it's a really easy sentence to hear, But when it comes down to it, I think it's really hard to like sit with and hold what might be really helpful to one person might not be helpful to someone else. Now, what actually bugs me about the toxic positivity stuff is how it's portrayed these days, and that it's in this light that is discussed in this idea that it's mean and people who are toxically positive are bad And most of the time, not all the time, but most of the time, I believe people who do come off as toxically positive, and people who do spread positivity that actually feels toxic, I think most of the time they're coming from a good place, which is one reason I love this email so much. There is so much understanding that this person isn't meaning to say something harmful. It's just not what this person needs to hear. And so this question is more about how do I learn how to ask for what I need and how do I learn how to share with my friend what is helpful and what is hurtful versus how do I tell my friend that she's being bad or wrong? Which when we approach things from that perspective, they are so much easier to receive and to hold. And I can receive feedback all day long when it's coming from a place a love and care like this, rather than like calling me out for being like a bad person. Now, often this feedback is given because we want to help people. We want to pull them out of their feelings that are uncomfortable. We want to make people feel better generally, And what sometimes is tough to realize or believe is that sometimes it feels better to sit in the crap and feel the weight of it for a little bit than to just ignore it. And it doesn't mean we need to sit in it forever, but there's power and fully feeling our experiences, not to punish ourselves, but to validate what it is that we are going through. When we push the glass half full agenda, I think sometimes we forget that at the same time, it still is half empty no matter what way you look at it. Both of those things are true at the same time. So in this case, and one of the examples that this listener gave, Yeah, i have a job that I'm grateful for totally, and at the same time, I'm still really sad and I am grieving this opportunity that I was excited about, and I need a little space to sit in that. Right now, we have research, like the world has research. There's plenty of it. You can just do a quick search and you'll find as much as you need that proves that speaking positively about ourselves and our experiences in our lives does improve desired outcomes that we have. And I think that this can look different than what might just pop into someone's head when we think about what speaking and talking and taking on a more optimistic outlook looks like just saying my life is great, God is good, Everything's awesome, and just focusing on all the good things might not be the move. I think that we can say things like I'm really sad and disappointed in this experience, and I believe I am still capable of being satisfied in the future. And I think we can say things like this is really hard for me, and I don't know how I'm going to move through it, and at the same time, I do know that I'm capable of moving through it. Those two things are optimistic. Those two things are positive. So I think that positivity can look like honesty. We don't have to ignore or push aside things to sit in a positive light. We can be honest and look at the realness of the world. We just need space to focus on both separately. Sometimes now this listener is asking, how do I gently tell my friend that I just want a little empathy and space to event I need some space to honor this one side of the truth right now, not a bright side that feels like it kind of diminishes this side of the truth for me, because I mean, going back to one of my favorite things to remind people, we can't heal things that we ignore, right, We can't move through things we refuse to acknowledge. And so if there is sadness, there is disappointment, there is whatever it is, we have to acknowledge it for us to actually be able to process it and move through it. If we're not doing that, then we're just stuffing it somewhere and it's going to come out sideways, or it's going to end up creating some belief system or hurtful inner dialogue if we're not actually peeling through those layers. So how do I do that? How do I tell my friend this and honestly I think just kind of like what you said. It really doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. I think it can be really helpful to just say, like, hey, I'm looking for this right now, do you have a second You can start with this in the beginning of conversations when you're going to a friend for validation, you can actually say, Hey, I need to vent about something. And honestly, I know you're a glass half full kind of person and I really value that about you, and at some point I'm going to really need you to help me see that side. However, right now, I really need space to just feel what I'm feeling right now. I don't want to feel better about it. I don't want to feel different. I just want space to feel it and maybe complain and get all the things out of my head. I'll even personally text or call a friend and say like, hey, I need to be validated for a second, so can you just listen to me and don't give me any feedback. I just want you to say that makes sense, and I want you to remind me that my feelings are real, and I think it's okay to say that. I think it's really powerful to be able to ask for exactly what we need versus come to our friends and then hope that they give us what we're looking for. And also for those on the listening side who are having their friends come to them, it can be very powerful. When our friends don't exactly ask for what they need directly, it can be really powerful to ask them. If they don't say that, if they don't tell us this is what I'm looking for, it can be really powerful to ask them instead of just offering what you might need or what you might want, or what makes you feel less uncomfortable or awkward in that situation. Sometimes your friends might reply, I want you to help me see this is not the end of the world. And sometimes your friends might reply, I want you to just help me see that this is not the end of the world, and I want you to help me see other perspectives. And sometimes they might say, I just want you to listen. That's all I really need you to do, is just like listen and just let me kind of like word vomit on you. I think there's this like underlying expectation when somebody comes to us, that they're coming to us and then we have to fix the issue and I don't think that's what's happening all the time. I think sometimes people are coming to us and they don't want the issue to be fixed, They just want the issue to be acknowledged, And so maybe we're just acknowledging what it is is happening for them in their experience that feels real to them at that moment. Again, there is a time for the bright side. We need that, we need hope, and we need to be able to pull ourselves out of victim mindsets and learn how to use our experiences when that's possible, rather than just like burying ourselves and our experiences, but giving our friends the ability to learn when that time is can be really helpful and giving ourselves like a break, right, So when a friend is coming to us, it's okay to give ourselves a break and say, like, it's not my job to fix this. They didn't ask me to, and if they did ask me to, I don't know if I even could. But it's not my job to fix this, and it's my job to ask my friends what it is that they need and to be there for them and give them that if it's something that I in my moral compass value system and my abilities is able to give. And that's just a long winded way for me to say that a really gentle way and a kind way to ask for what you need in these spaces is just to say that, hey, I'm looking for this blank And I think also if you ask for that, because I think sometimes this happens too, if you ask for that and it's continued to like not be respected, maybe there's still some like feedback your ready to hear yet offer like, hey, I get that, and I value that part of you that is able to see a perspective that I can't see right now. However, at this moment, like I can't receive that, so can you kind of just like validate my experience for the moment, and then when if I want to hear those things, I'll ask you to remind me those things in like a week. But right now I kind of just need somebody to sit with me and be sad with me because this is something that really was painful. So I hope that was helpful. And y'all, I know this toxic positivity stuff is going to continue to be confusing. And I think again, like the theme that I hear in my head over and over again. And the theme that I feel like I say over and over again, and I talk myself some in circle is a way to avoid toxic positivity is to offer agency back to the people that we're with, ask them what they're looking for, rather than to give them what we think that they might need, or again give them what is going to make us feel less uncomfortable. I hope you guys are having the week you need to have, the day you need to have, and I will be back talking to you guys on Monday.