Pick up the pieces of your life, put them back together with the word to write all the beauty and piece and the magic that you'll start too fun when you write your story. You've got the words and said, don't you think it's down to let them out and write them down on cold It's all about and write your story. Write you write your story.

Pick up the pieces of your life, put them back together with the word to write all the beauty and piece and the magic that you'll start too fun when you write your story. You've got the words and said, don't you think it's down to let them out and write them down on cold It's all about and write your story. Write you write your story.

Hi, and welcome back to the Write Your Story Podcast. I'm Ali Fallon and today I'm so excited to be here in the studio slash my kitchen with my friend Meredith, who is a member of my current A Book in six Months group, is also a former member of the CIA, and that was one of the first pieces of information that I learned about her that made me like ooh, like perk up, I want to know more about this. But there's also so much more that she has to offer. She's also a coach, she's a healer, She's an incredible space holder. She has a couple of times like flipped the table on me in our coaching sessions and like really revealed to me something that was happening for me, like a pattern that was operating that I wasn't aware of, And so I just told her I'm like, we need to get you on the podcast to talk about a bunch of different stuff. So I'm here with Meredith today. Welcome Meredith. Thanks for being with me, Hi Ali, thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. I'm so thrilled to get to just hang out and have this conversation with you. I mean, I would be doing this even if the microphones weren't in front of our faces. So I have a few things that I want to talk to you about, but obviously I don't know exactly where the conversation is going to go, but I'm excited to just see what on bolts.

Hi, and welcome back to the Write Your Story Podcast. I'm Ali Fallon and today I'm so excited to be here in the studio slash my kitchen with my friend Meredith, who is a member of my current A Book in six Months group, is also a former member of the CIA, and that was one of the first pieces of information that I learned about her that made me like ooh, like perk up, I want to know more about this. But there's also so much more that she has to offer. She's also a coach, she's a healer, She's an incredible space holder. She has a couple of times like flipped the table on me in our coaching sessions and like really revealed to me something that was happening for me, like a pattern that was operating that I wasn't aware of, And so I just told her I'm like, we need to get you on the podcast to talk about a bunch of different stuff. So I'm here with Meredith today. Welcome Meredith. Thanks for being with me, Hi Ali, thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. I'm so thrilled to get to just hang out and have this conversation with you. I mean, I would be doing this even if the microphones weren't in front of our faces. So I have a few things that I want to talk to you about, but obviously I don't know exactly where the conversation is going to go, but I'm excited to just see what on bolts.

Yeah, let's just see what happens.

Yeah, let's just see what happens.

Can you start by letting the listeners know a little bit more about you, like the CIA background, and then the book that you're working on. I feel like is such a fascinating kind of dynamic that drew me to you in the first place. So tell everyone a little bit more about like how you come to this moment.

Can you start by letting the listeners know a little bit more about you, like the CIA background, and then the book that you're working on. I feel like is such a fascinating kind of dynamic that drew me to you in the first place. So tell everyone a little bit more about like how you come to this moment.

Yeah. Sure. So when I was young in my twenties, nine to eleven had a big effect on me, and so I applied and somehow was accepted and joined the CIA, and I was an undercover CIA operative for almost twenty years, protecting the United States from terrorist attacks. I lived all over the world, and then at some point in that I realized that it wasn't serving me anymore. I loved doing something for my country, but there was a part of me that felt like there was something more for me to do. And it was about that time that I went to something called the Hoffman Process. And I didn't know anything about it, but it had come across my radar three times, starting in nineteen ninety nine on a beach in Hawaii, some woman was talking about it, and then in a bookstore in Pakistan when I was actually in the middle of doing something for work, and a book fell off the shelf that said the Hoffman Process. And I was like, oh, way, okay, I don't have time for that, but that's weird.

Yeah. Sure. So when I was young in my twenties, nine to eleven had a big effect on me, and so I applied and somehow was accepted and joined the CIA, and I was an undercover CIA operative for almost twenty years, protecting the United States from terrorist attacks. I lived all over the world, and then at some point in that I realized that it wasn't serving me anymore. I loved doing something for my country, but there was a part of me that felt like there was something more for me to do. And it was about that time that I went to something called the Hoffman Process. And I didn't know anything about it, but it had come across my radar three times, starting in nineteen ninety nine on a beach in Hawaii, some woman was talking about it, and then in a bookstore in Pakistan when I was actually in the middle of doing something for work, and a book fell off the shelf that said the Hoffman Process. And I was like, oh, way, okay, I don't have time for that, but that's weird.

I only now one for later noted.

I only now one for later noted.

And then in twenty sixteen I saw it on like Yahoo News or something, and I was like, okay, universe three times got it. I went and just signed up. I didn't read about it. I didn't know what it was. And I grew up in this very conservative culture in the South in the United States, in South Carolina, but I was like, whatever, I'm going to go do this California thing that my dad and my family we would call it woo woo and weird. Whatever, let's do it. So I just committed to doing it. There was something in me that knew it was time to grow. So I did the Hoffman process, and when I retired from the CIA, I became a Hoffman teacher. And then what got me to this moment to answer your question, is there's this intersection in me between this high performing CIA operative, you know, being able to read people in situations and energy, and really trusting myself. The CIA taught me how to clear out everything, the patterns, what you grew up with, your inner shame messages, all of that, to trust yourself when every plan that you have goes to shit, Plans A through Z didn't work out. You can't just say, oh.

And then in twenty sixteen I saw it on like Yahoo News or something, and I was like, okay, universe three times got it. I went and just signed up. I didn't read about it. I didn't know what it was. And I grew up in this very conservative culture in the South in the United States, in South Carolina, but I was like, whatever, I'm going to go do this California thing that my dad and my family we would call it woo woo and weird. Whatever, let's do it. So I just committed to doing it. There was something in me that knew it was time to grow. So I did the Hoffman process, and when I retired from the CIA, I became a Hoffman teacher. And then what got me to this moment to answer your question, is there's this intersection in me between this high performing CIA operative, you know, being able to read people in situations and energy, and really trusting myself. The CIA taught me how to clear out everything, the patterns, what you grew up with, your inner shame messages, all of that, to trust yourself when every plan that you have goes to shit, Plans A through Z didn't work out. You can't just say, oh.

Well, yeah, you told me this amazing story about being in the back of a car and being shot at when we were talking about your book, and the idea in the book is about finding that inner safety when outer safety isn't available to you, which is so pertinent to the world that we're living in right now. And so are you allowed to tell that story here on the podcast. Okay, so tell yeah, te can.

Well, yeah, you told me this amazing story about being in the back of a car and being shot at when we were talking about your book, and the idea in the book is about finding that inner safety when outer safety isn't available to you, which is so pertinent to the world that we're living in right now. And so are you allowed to tell that story here on the podcast. Okay, so tell yeah, te can.

Tell you a little bit about the story. I'll leave some of the details out of it, but here's the deal with it. CIA teaches you to operationally plan and you know what could go wrong, and you sit in this bullpen and you really just with the best minds in the world, you plan these things and then you go out on your own mostly, and every plan I had was working out. I found myself in the back of a level seven armor vehicle being shot at. So the car was armored. The rounds, the AK rounds were not coming into the vehicle, but it was getting louder and louder. I had body armor on, I had somehow sunk to the floorboard, and I was in this like fetal position. The world was closing in and I was like, okay. First of all, I blamed like the security detail I had. I was in the back seat, someone was driving me and they weren't responding, by the way, when I was like calling out like hey, and I was like, okay, are they deadad hurt?

Tell you a little bit about the story. I'll leave some of the details out of it, but here's the deal with it. CIA teaches you to operationally plan and you know what could go wrong, and you sit in this bullpen and you really just with the best minds in the world, you plan these things and then you go out on your own mostly, and every plan I had was working out. I found myself in the back of a level seven armor vehicle being shot at. So the car was armored. The rounds, the AK rounds were not coming into the vehicle, but it was getting louder and louder. I had body armor on, I had somehow sunk to the floorboard, and I was in this like fetal position. The world was closing in and I was like, okay. First of all, I blamed like the security detail I had. I was in the back seat, someone was driving me and they weren't responding, by the way, when I was like calling out like hey, and I was like, okay, are they deadad hurt?

Yeah?

Yeah?

What's going on here? But first I blamed them, like what's going on here? And then I blamed myself, like what did I do wrong? And then I just started sinking. And it was at that moment CIA trains you to get off the X, like clear out everything in your way, get off the X, whatever it takes.

What's going on here? But first I blamed them, like what's going on here? And then I blamed myself, like what did I do wrong? And then I just started sinking. And it was at that moment CIA trains you to get off the X, like clear out everything in your way, get off the X, whatever it takes.

What does get off the X mean.

What does get off the X mean.

It means like like if you're getting shot at it, it doesn't really matter what you do. Begin you have to do something right. You can't just freeze. You have to do something. And so I found myself not in control of what was going on, which is very pertinent to the world today. You can't control what's going on outside the vehicle, so to speak, outside in the world. But I do have agency of myself, my inner world, and CIA taught me how to override my survival brain to function and get off the X and make nuanced decisions when I cannot control the outside world. So in that particular situation, as I was sinking smaller and smaller, what was going through my head is I might as well just give up. It's too late, I'm going to die. And what triggered me was I thought, I'm too small, I'm too young. There's nothing I can do. Just like try to get as small as possible and maybe it'll be over quickly, and that snapped me into wait a minute, that's not real. Those were beliefs I had from being a child growing up in a chaotic home where the safest thing to do in that home was get small and just wait till the fighting ended or the yelling was over, or the chaos was over. And I was like, wait a minute, this isn't Meredith at twenty eight years old. This is Meredith as a little kid, Like, oh my god, I'm not having agency over what's going on inside of me right now, so I can't access my deepest wisdom right now. So I cleared that out and I was like, Okay, this is Meredith right now in this moment. And once I cleared all of that patterns, coping strategies, defense mechanisms that have been my neural pathways since I was a little kid, I was able to access me, not what I learned, not how I learned to survive my child at home, or mimic my parents' behaviors and beliefs and patterns. And you know, my mom would tend to give up and my dad would tend to get big. And I was like, okay, I'm not either one of those people. I'm me, And so once that clicked in, I was able to access my inner wisdom. My you might call it intuition, whatever you call that inner knowing. I call it my inner core, which is like a line from my intellect all the way down through my heart, and it's all the wisdom that I have. And I just saw this path that I climbed over the little you know, the back seat, the little hump, into the front seat, over the person who was in the front who was not responding, and I got out that door. When you're in a car and you're being shot at, it's so loud you can't tell.

It means like like if you're getting shot at it, it doesn't really matter what you do. Begin you have to do something right. You can't just freeze. You have to do something. And so I found myself not in control of what was going on, which is very pertinent to the world today. You can't control what's going on outside the vehicle, so to speak, outside in the world. But I do have agency of myself, my inner world, and CIA taught me how to override my survival brain to function and get off the X and make nuanced decisions when I cannot control the outside world. So in that particular situation, as I was sinking smaller and smaller, what was going through my head is I might as well just give up. It's too late, I'm going to die. And what triggered me was I thought, I'm too small, I'm too young. There's nothing I can do. Just like try to get as small as possible and maybe it'll be over quickly, and that snapped me into wait a minute, that's not real. Those were beliefs I had from being a child growing up in a chaotic home where the safest thing to do in that home was get small and just wait till the fighting ended or the yelling was over, or the chaos was over. And I was like, wait a minute, this isn't Meredith at twenty eight years old. This is Meredith as a little kid, Like, oh my god, I'm not having agency over what's going on inside of me right now, so I can't access my deepest wisdom right now. So I cleared that out and I was like, Okay, this is Meredith right now in this moment. And once I cleared all of that patterns, coping strategies, defense mechanisms that have been my neural pathways since I was a little kid, I was able to access me, not what I learned, not how I learned to survive my child at home, or mimic my parents' behaviors and beliefs and patterns. And you know, my mom would tend to give up and my dad would tend to get big. And I was like, okay, I'm not either one of those people. I'm me, And so once that clicked in, I was able to access my inner wisdom. My you might call it intuition, whatever you call that inner knowing. I call it my inner core, which is like a line from my intellect all the way down through my heart, and it's all the wisdom that I have. And I just saw this path that I climbed over the little you know, the back seat, the little hump, into the front seat, over the person who was in the front who was not responding, and I got out that door. When you're in a car and you're being shot at, it's so loud you can't tell.

Where where it's coming from, where it's going from, so it's right there.

Where where it's coming from, where it's going from, so it's right there.

Basically it's like everywhere. Yeah, so loud, even in an armored vehicle. And I had trained in what it's like to shoot a weapon in a car out a window, and I knew how loud that was. But something in me just like that's just what I did. I crawled over. It's like when you're at the edge of a cliff and you get nervous, but like if you fall off the cliff or jump, you're not scared anymore. You're in it. So I wasn't scared. I was just following a deeper wisdom and it happened to be that was the correct door to get out of because here I am with you today and I was able to get to safety. But it's such a metaphor that we can't control everything outside the vehicle, but you have total agency of what goes on inside yourself, and if you can clear out all of these defense mechanisms, they're actually attached to our survival brain. We think we have to people, please and caretake and do all of these things to survive, because this is my opinion on it. But what we're raised with is that uncertainty isn't safe. Yeah, And as a little kid, that's yeah, probably true, so we take in we mimic our parents. We do these things to get our parents to love us and take care of us and sure vival. But that's not true anymore. As an adult, I have total agency and uncertainty might be unfamiliar or uncomfortable, but it's not dangerous.

Basically it's like everywhere. Yeah, so loud, even in an armored vehicle. And I had trained in what it's like to shoot a weapon in a car out a window, and I knew how loud that was. But something in me just like that's just what I did. I crawled over. It's like when you're at the edge of a cliff and you get nervous, but like if you fall off the cliff or jump, you're not scared anymore. You're in it. So I wasn't scared. I was just following a deeper wisdom and it happened to be that was the correct door to get out of because here I am with you today and I was able to get to safety. But it's such a metaphor that we can't control everything outside the vehicle, but you have total agency of what goes on inside yourself, and if you can clear out all of these defense mechanisms, they're actually attached to our survival brain. We think we have to people, please and caretake and do all of these things to survive, because this is my opinion on it. But what we're raised with is that uncertainty isn't safe. Yeah, And as a little kid, that's yeah, probably true, so we take in we mimic our parents. We do these things to get our parents to love us and take care of us and sure vival. But that's not true anymore. As an adult, I have total agency and uncertainty might be unfamiliar or uncomfortable, but it's not dangerous.

Yeah. An example that I could give that speaks to what you're talking about is we all know what it feels like to have access to that inner wisdom. But then, for example, if you put yourself on a stage in front of a few thousand people, that experience of feeling unsafe or uncertain almost severs that access that you have. And so I'm just using that as a visual picture for listeners to think, like, Okay, I know what it feels like when I'm in my room by myself, I feel totally safe. I can hear myself think, I know what I want, I know what I'm about, I know what I care about, I know what I want to do next. But then put me on a stage in front of a few thousand people. I'm using that example because most people are afraid of public speaking. It's like, oh, now, suddenly my mind goes blank. I can't think a thought, I don't know how I feel. I can't even access that voice. And so this is what you're teaching people to do through your coaching process, is exactly what you did in that moment, which is to be in an environment that you may perceive is unsafe, but to go inward to find safety, to hear that inner voice again so that you know how to get off the X move forward exactly.

Yeah. An example that I could give that speaks to what you're talking about is we all know what it feels like to have access to that inner wisdom. But then, for example, if you put yourself on a stage in front of a few thousand people, that experience of feeling unsafe or uncertain almost severs that access that you have. And so I'm just using that as a visual picture for listeners to think, like, Okay, I know what it feels like when I'm in my room by myself, I feel totally safe. I can hear myself think, I know what I want, I know what I'm about, I know what I care about, I know what I want to do next. But then put me on a stage in front of a few thousand people. I'm using that example because most people are afraid of public speaking. It's like, oh, now, suddenly my mind goes blank. I can't think a thought, I don't know how I feel. I can't even access that voice. And so this is what you're teaching people to do through your coaching process, is exactly what you did in that moment, which is to be in an environment that you may perceive is unsafe, but to go inward to find safety, to hear that inner voice again so that you know how to get off the X move forward exactly.

Okay, And isn't that happening right now in the world stage I mean we twenty four to seven access to news. It were bombarded with uncertainty right now and so many people that means this is dangerous, this is unsafe. And what I've learned about me is when I clear out all of that stuff that gets in the way, all the habitual things, the neural pathways that are so ingrained that I actually think that's who I am. When I clear that out, I realize I'm just really curious ally about what is happening and what it means. And life is lived, the richness of life, the creative spark, all of that, it's actually lives in the unknown and uncertainty, and yet our brains go into survival mode and you can't create art or make sense of what's going on the world stage in survival mode all the time. Yeah.

Okay, And isn't that happening right now in the world stage I mean we twenty four to seven access to news. It were bombarded with uncertainty right now and so many people that means this is dangerous, this is unsafe. And what I've learned about me is when I clear out all of that stuff that gets in the way, all the habitual things, the neural pathways that are so ingrained that I actually think that's who I am. When I clear that out, I realize I'm just really curious ally about what is happening and what it means. And life is lived, the richness of life, the creative spark, all of that, it's actually lives in the unknown and uncertainty, and yet our brains go into survival mode and you can't create art or make sense of what's going on the world stage in survival mode all the time. Yeah.

We talked about that on the A book in six months call yesterday, about this idea of having big questions that we're asking life, like what's the meaning of life? And why am I here? And what's my purpose?

We talked about that on the A book in six months call yesterday, about this idea of having big questions that we're asking life, like what's the meaning of life? And why am I here? And what's my purpose?

And what do I do next?

And what do I do next?

Those questions are what keep us engaged in life. If we weren't asking those questions, we'd just be going to work. And you know, going to target, which nothing wrong with those things, but it wouldn't be nearly as exciting or engaging, or it wouldn't have nearly the growth trajectory life does have inevitably because we are pulled in through those questions. I love this idea of agency and one of the moments for us where you've kind of turned to the tables and coached me, which I so appreciate, by the way, was I mentioned something on the podcast about feeling like letting go of control or wondering how much control I have had over something, and you said to me, there's a difference between agency and control. And I want to talk about this and tease this out because I feel like this is such a vital thing to understand in this period of time that we're living in and like for me personally, one of the big reasons that I wanted to explore these ideas in this season of the podcast is because I've had five years of personal hardships. Lots of really beautiful things have happened too, but a couple of big things that I've tried to bring into fruition, like into the physical world from my visual have not worked the way that I wanted them to, and I don't know. I guess you could say, like I have failed a couple of times, and so it has made me ask this question, like how much control do I really have over my physical environment? I know I have control over my thoughts. I know that as I shape my thoughts, that shapes my inner reality, but what about my outer reality? I don't know that I've really connected the dots one hundred percent on feeling like I can manifest something in the outer reality by changing my inner reality. I feel like I'm there with changing my thoughts, changing my feelings, changing my inner reality. But then why does this keep happening to me where? And I'm not asking this in a victimy kind of way. I'm actually asking, like, in a curious way, what's the disconnect for me? Why can't I bring more of that into my physical reality? And so I'd love to just get your thoughts and have this conversation about the difference between agency and control.

Those questions are what keep us engaged in life. If we weren't asking those questions, we'd just be going to work. And you know, going to target, which nothing wrong with those things, but it wouldn't be nearly as exciting or engaging, or it wouldn't have nearly the growth trajectory life does have inevitably because we are pulled in through those questions. I love this idea of agency and one of the moments for us where you've kind of turned to the tables and coached me, which I so appreciate, by the way, was I mentioned something on the podcast about feeling like letting go of control or wondering how much control I have had over something, and you said to me, there's a difference between agency and control. And I want to talk about this and tease this out because I feel like this is such a vital thing to understand in this period of time that we're living in and like for me personally, one of the big reasons that I wanted to explore these ideas in this season of the podcast is because I've had five years of personal hardships. Lots of really beautiful things have happened too, but a couple of big things that I've tried to bring into fruition, like into the physical world from my visual have not worked the way that I wanted them to, and I don't know. I guess you could say, like I have failed a couple of times, and so it has made me ask this question, like how much control do I really have over my physical environment? I know I have control over my thoughts. I know that as I shape my thoughts, that shapes my inner reality, but what about my outer reality? I don't know that I've really connected the dots one hundred percent on feeling like I can manifest something in the outer reality by changing my inner reality. I feel like I'm there with changing my thoughts, changing my feelings, changing my inner reality. But then why does this keep happening to me where? And I'm not asking this in a victimy kind of way. I'm actually asking, like, in a curious way, what's the disconnect for me? Why can't I bring more of that into my physical reality? And so I'd love to just get your thoughts and have this conversation about the difference between agency and control.

So the way I see control is it it's limiting. When we try to control something, it's constricting, it's limiting something, whereas agency brings about possibility, and when we're trying to control things, we're actually limiting possibility. So just by whatever patterns, coping mechanisms, defense strategies that we may have and we're not aware of them, the neural pathways in our brain are making us compulsively do things that we think we're making a choice, but we're not making a choice. So this was another possibility.

So the way I see control is it it's limiting. When we try to control something, it's constricting, it's limiting something, whereas agency brings about possibility, and when we're trying to control things, we're actually limiting possibility. So just by whatever patterns, coping mechanisms, defense strategies that we may have and we're not aware of them, the neural pathways in our brain are making us compulsively do things that we think we're making a choice, but we're not making a choice. So this was another possibility.

Another pattern that you pointed out for me was my pattern of withdrawal, and that was such a big moment for me to realize, Like, again, I was telling you a story about making a decision to step back from Instagram for thirty days, which you were like, totally find a step back from Instagram for thirty days, but have you ever considered that this might be your pattern of withdrawal? Which I was like, oh my god, I feel like no one's ever kind of read my mail that quick and easily. And it was such a moment for me to just take a really honest look and realize that that pattern was running for me. And that is an example of what you're talking about, where we have these patterns running that we think we're making a decision, but we're not. So my question for you would be, when you notice you have a pattern like that running, you keep saying, clear out the patterns or clear out the stories that are in your body so that you can make room for more wisdom intuition agency. How do I clear that out?

Another pattern that you pointed out for me was my pattern of withdrawal, and that was such a big moment for me to realize, Like, again, I was telling you a story about making a decision to step back from Instagram for thirty days, which you were like, totally find a step back from Instagram for thirty days, but have you ever considered that this might be your pattern of withdrawal? Which I was like, oh my god, I feel like no one's ever kind of read my mail that quick and easily. And it was such a moment for me to just take a really honest look and realize that that pattern was running for me. And that is an example of what you're talking about, where we have these patterns running that we think we're making a decision, but we're not. So my question for you would be, when you notice you have a pattern like that running, you keep saying, clear out the patterns or clear out the stories that are in your body so that you can make room for more wisdom intuition agency. How do I clear that out?

Okay, so let me see if I can go about this a little bit different of a way. You mentioned things in the past that you failed at or you didn't quite it didn't quite go the way that you wanted. If you think of one of those times and you say to yourself, Okay, this didn't go how I wanted. I failed at this thing. So what that means about me is I am.

Okay, so let me see if I can go about this a little bit different of a way. You mentioned things in the past that you failed at or you didn't quite it didn't quite go the way that you wanted. If you think of one of those times and you say to yourself, Okay, this didn't go how I wanted. I failed at this thing. So what that means about me is I am.

What I've thought a lot about this. It's really not for me. It's not about being failure. I feel like my husband and I have had these conversations because we did this business venture together that didn't go the way we wanted it to. For him, I'm not trying to speak for him, but for him, it's more about feeling like a failure, worried that people think he's a failure. I actually don't feel that at all. I'm not worried people think I'm a failure. For me, it's more about feeling powerless or ineffective.

What I've thought a lot about this. It's really not for me. It's not about being failure. I feel like my husband and I have had these conversations because we did this business venture together that didn't go the way we wanted it to. For him, I'm not trying to speak for him, but for him, it's more about feeling like a failure, worried that people think he's a failure. I actually don't feel that at all. I'm not worried people think I'm a failure. For me, it's more about feeling powerless or ineffective.

So if I fail, I mean that may that's not maybe the right word. But if this doesn't work out, what that means about me is I am powerless?

So if I fail, I mean that may that's not maybe the right word. But if this doesn't work out, what that means about me is I am powerless?

Yeah, I'm ineffective. I couldn't make it work. I can't And which, by the way, is something I've said. That's a repeated pattern that's been in my life. I tried really hard at something and couldn't make it work. I said that to myself a lot after my divorce or during my divorce, which now seems crazy to me that I was worried about that. But anyway, go ahead, Kay, you have.

Yeah, I'm ineffective. I couldn't make it work. I can't And which, by the way, is something I've said. That's a repeated pattern that's been in my life. I tried really hard at something and couldn't make it work. I said that to myself a lot after my divorce or during my divorce, which now seems crazy to me that I was worried about that. But anyway, go ahead, Kay, you have.

Somewhere beginning to So if I can't make it work, what that means about me as I am what?

Somewhere beginning to So if I can't make it work, what that means about me as I am what?

I don't know if this is the right answer, but ineffective.

I don't know if this is the right answer, but ineffective.

So there's a little kid version of I'm ineffective. There's a word like I am wrong, i am bad, I'm not good enough. Something ineffective is kind of more of an adult word, right, Yeah, But I think we are driven by these really old you know, some people call it shame. I call it like a primal wound, which is like, as a little kid, our parents can't always be there. You're a mom, you know that, Yeah, Like you do your best, but you can't always be there to meet the emotional needs of your child. And little kids taken, I mean when we're born, for maybe the first six months, we're all sensate. It's like are we even separate? So if we are cold or hungry or not getting the mirroring, it's not hey, what's wrong with my parents? Because if we think about our parents being incompetent break So we think what's wrong with me? And it's not a thought, it's six months, it's a body feeling. Here's what I want to get to to answer your original question. There's somebody feeling that you have around I am ineffective. Can you see where in your body you feel I'm ineffective? It's here you're pointing to your chest, like my chest. Okay, So as little kids, we have that body feeling in the first six months, but it's not actually true that we're bad or ineffective or wrong just because our parents aren't there. But for a little kid, as we get older, we go, okay, well, if I'm the problem, then there's some hope here. I can fix it. I can fix me. So we go on this like lifetime journey of like either trying to fix ourselves or running away from I'm not good enough, I'm ineffective, and we accomplish and we achieve, and we do all these things, but yet that body feeling probably still gets activated. But here's the thing. The body feeling real. I mean, you feel it in your chest and your throat, but the story that is on that body feeling isn't true. So in the backseat of that car when I was being shot at, I felt it in my body. I'm too young, I should just stay small. And that is a very old feeling from when I was three, four, five six, And I feel it every time that something happens that I can't control it, and I feel it. For me, it's in my throat and it's in my stomach. And when I'm aware of that body feeling, I go, oh, wait a minute, this is that old thing. It's not true. What's the story I'm putting on this right now? Oh I'm ineffective, I failed. I can't do this thing. And then it goes into vicious cycle of like for me, anyway, like a million things. It means a million things. It goes from this one thing didn't work out to oh my god, it's nothing.

So there's a little kid version of I'm ineffective. There's a word like I am wrong, i am bad, I'm not good enough. Something ineffective is kind of more of an adult word, right, Yeah, But I think we are driven by these really old you know, some people call it shame. I call it like a primal wound, which is like, as a little kid, our parents can't always be there. You're a mom, you know that, Yeah, Like you do your best, but you can't always be there to meet the emotional needs of your child. And little kids taken, I mean when we're born, for maybe the first six months, we're all sensate. It's like are we even separate? So if we are cold or hungry or not getting the mirroring, it's not hey, what's wrong with my parents? Because if we think about our parents being incompetent break So we think what's wrong with me? And it's not a thought, it's six months, it's a body feeling. Here's what I want to get to to answer your original question. There's somebody feeling that you have around I am ineffective. Can you see where in your body you feel I'm ineffective? It's here you're pointing to your chest, like my chest. Okay, So as little kids, we have that body feeling in the first six months, but it's not actually true that we're bad or ineffective or wrong just because our parents aren't there. But for a little kid, as we get older, we go, okay, well, if I'm the problem, then there's some hope here. I can fix it. I can fix me. So we go on this like lifetime journey of like either trying to fix ourselves or running away from I'm not good enough, I'm ineffective, and we accomplish and we achieve, and we do all these things, but yet that body feeling probably still gets activated. But here's the thing. The body feeling real. I mean, you feel it in your chest and your throat, but the story that is on that body feeling isn't true. So in the backseat of that car when I was being shot at, I felt it in my body. I'm too young, I should just stay small. And that is a very old feeling from when I was three, four, five six, And I feel it every time that something happens that I can't control it, and I feel it. For me, it's in my throat and it's in my stomach. And when I'm aware of that body feeling, I go, oh, wait a minute, this is that old thing. It's not true. What's the story I'm putting on this right now? Oh I'm ineffective, I failed. I can't do this thing. And then it goes into vicious cycle of like for me, anyway, like a million things. It means a million things. It goes from this one thing didn't work out to oh my god, it's nothing.

Yeah, which is definitely part of what is happening for me on consciously, I think, and I think even the withdraw pattern is attached to this. It's a feeling like no matter what I do, no matter what I say, nothing's ever going to change. So I might as well just go somewhere else, remove my energy from this situation. I'm not going to give any more of my life force to this situation because it's never going to change. I'm never going to get what I want, and so I end up sort of cutting off these options. And this has all come together for me, this realization in the past six months, since you pointed out these two different things to me, realizing that the withdraw pattern is really about no longer wanting to feel that feeling of ineffectiveness. So when I feel ineffective, I withdraw and I just say well, and I feel totally justified and withdrawing because it's like, well, that person's not listening to me. They they don't care what I have to say. My efforts here aren't being appreciated, my efforts here aren't producing any sort of outcome, and so I'm just going to withdraw myself from this situation and go else where.

Yeah, which is definitely part of what is happening for me on consciously, I think, and I think even the withdraw pattern is attached to this. It's a feeling like no matter what I do, no matter what I say, nothing's ever going to change. So I might as well just go somewhere else, remove my energy from this situation. I'm not going to give any more of my life force to this situation because it's never going to change. I'm never going to get what I want, and so I end up sort of cutting off these options. And this has all come together for me, this realization in the past six months, since you pointed out these two different things to me, realizing that the withdraw pattern is really about no longer wanting to feel that feeling of ineffectiveness. So when I feel ineffective, I withdraw and I just say well, and I feel totally justified and withdrawing because it's like, well, that person's not listening to me. They they don't care what I have to say. My efforts here aren't being appreciated, my efforts here aren't producing any sort of outcome, and so I'm just going to withdraw myself from this situation and go else where.

What would happen if you just felt the hurt and the pain of that situation and let it be. You just be with yourself when you're hurting, the way that we are with little kids when they skin their knee. We can't actually make it stop hurting, but oh, let me kiss your boot boo. We can bring them real close and somehow just being with that little kid in their hurt, their pain, it makes it better. And yet as adults, these things happen in life or you know, we can't control things, and can we just be with the feeling of, oh, I'm scared, this hurts. Can I just be with myself instead of all the coping strategies in the neural pathways that we learned, because I would bet if I asked you, like, when did that happen for you as a little kid, Like there might have been times that you felt that way as a little kid, and so you withdrewe yeah, and that's as a little kid. It's true, we don't have can agency, you know, in our lives, but as an adult you may not have control, but you have so much more agency now. So the power of having agency when we're in pain, that's what helps me move through recognizing, oh, this body feeling is starting, and knowing that I don't humans eye, We don't want to feel the pain associated with that body feeling. Yeah, So we learned all these things as a little kid. To run away from it, or sometimes it's moved toward it. Sometimes it's like blow up and.

What would happen if you just felt the hurt and the pain of that situation and let it be. You just be with yourself when you're hurting, the way that we are with little kids when they skin their knee. We can't actually make it stop hurting, but oh, let me kiss your boot boo. We can bring them real close and somehow just being with that little kid in their hurt, their pain, it makes it better. And yet as adults, these things happen in life or you know, we can't control things, and can we just be with the feeling of, oh, I'm scared, this hurts. Can I just be with myself instead of all the coping strategies in the neural pathways that we learned, because I would bet if I asked you, like, when did that happen for you as a little kid, Like there might have been times that you felt that way as a little kid, and so you withdrewe yeah, and that's as a little kid. It's true, we don't have can agency, you know, in our lives, but as an adult you may not have control, but you have so much more agency now. So the power of having agency when we're in pain, that's what helps me move through recognizing, oh, this body feeling is starting, and knowing that I don't humans eye, We don't want to feel the pain associated with that body feeling. Yeah, So we learned all these things as a little kid. To run away from it, or sometimes it's moved toward it. Sometimes it's like blow up and.

Fight and lash up.

Fight and lash up.

Sometimes it's to back away. But the way that I clear out is notice the body feeling. Notice how that body feeling just instantly starts to do all of these things. If I can just slow it down and go, Okay, what's happening. And a good way to do this is just to go stare at a wall for five minutes. Just set your timer and your phone, stare at a wall for five minutes and be an inner observer and just see what happens inside yourself.

Sometimes it's to back away. But the way that I clear out is notice the body feeling. Notice how that body feeling just instantly starts to do all of these things. If I can just slow it down and go, Okay, what's happening. And a good way to do this is just to go stare at a wall for five minutes. Just set your timer and your phone, stare at a wall for five minutes and be an inner observer and just see what happens inside yourself.

I do this when I meditate. That's what I'm doing is paying attention to And I would agree with what you're saying that that's the most effective way that I've ever processed through some of that stuff was in meditation. I noticed the body sensations and I just witness them, and I don't really do anything else. I just sit there and witness that they're there, and similar to what you shared, it's almost like being there for a child. If you feel, you know, like a kind of gut wrenching feeling or like a heaviness in your chest, you just witness and hold the space for the child to feel what the child feels, and that has been definitely effective for me. My next question would be about accessing that agency. Would you say that agency comes when you clear out, like after you notice the sensation, does the agency just appear or how do we know we've accessed our agency?

I do this when I meditate. That's what I'm doing is paying attention to And I would agree with what you're saying that that's the most effective way that I've ever processed through some of that stuff was in meditation. I noticed the body sensations and I just witness them, and I don't really do anything else. I just sit there and witness that they're there, and similar to what you shared, it's almost like being there for a child. If you feel, you know, like a kind of gut wrenching feeling or like a heaviness in your chest, you just witness and hold the space for the child to feel what the child feels, and that has been definitely effective for me. My next question would be about accessing that agency. Would you say that agency comes when you clear out, like after you notice the sensation, does the agency just appear or how do we know we've accessed our agency?

So you're talking about doing that when you're meditating, What if you could go to the next level and do it in the moment that things are happening in your life, like in the moment when you're quote unquote being shot at, in the moment of whatever the reason is that you don't want to be on Instagram. Can you notice it in the moment and say, here's the body feeling, here's the story I'm putting on it. Here are the patterns, the behaviors, the beliefs that I'm going into. And we don't have agency when we're run by these neural pathways because it's compulsive, automatic, and reactive. We just do it. There's no choice in there. So for me, agency is an embodied empowerment of actually making a choice. We think we're making a choice. Oh I'm going to withdraw from Instagram. You know I'm done, so, oh, that's the choice. But if you take a minute in the moment to map all of this out, to observe it, take a breath, and then access your deepest inner wisdom. And I think this goes to your question, like how do I do that? Like, okay, let's say I notice I'm doing all of these things, and am I really at choice? Maybe it is my choice to withdraw? Maybe it isn't. What's going on here? Can you remember a time that you've been in the flow? Things are just clicking? Okay, you're working? Yeah, So what are the qualities of you when you're in the flow? What are you cultivating inside of yourself? What are you noticing? Not what other people are doing, but what is going on inside of you when you're in the flow.

So you're talking about doing that when you're meditating, What if you could go to the next level and do it in the moment that things are happening in your life, like in the moment when you're quote unquote being shot at, in the moment of whatever the reason is that you don't want to be on Instagram. Can you notice it in the moment and say, here's the body feeling, here's the story I'm putting on it. Here are the patterns, the behaviors, the beliefs that I'm going into. And we don't have agency when we're run by these neural pathways because it's compulsive, automatic, and reactive. We just do it. There's no choice in there. So for me, agency is an embodied empowerment of actually making a choice. We think we're making a choice. Oh I'm going to withdraw from Instagram. You know I'm done, so, oh, that's the choice. But if you take a minute in the moment to map all of this out, to observe it, take a breath, and then access your deepest inner wisdom. And I think this goes to your question, like how do I do that? Like, okay, let's say I notice I'm doing all of these things, and am I really at choice? Maybe it is my choice to withdraw? Maybe it isn't. What's going on here? Can you remember a time that you've been in the flow? Things are just clicking? Okay, you're working? Yeah, So what are the qualities of you when you're in the flow? What are you cultivating inside of yourself? What are you noticing? Not what other people are doing, but what is going on inside of you when you're in the flow.

I would say I'm at ease. I'm very flexible, spontaneous, like I'm willing to go this direction or that direction. I don't feel attached to one certain way of doing a thing. There's no anxiety. At ease is the best way to put it. Yeah, I'm just at ease.

I would say I'm at ease. I'm very flexible, spontaneous, like I'm willing to go this direction or that direction. I don't feel attached to one certain way of doing a thing. There's no anxiety. At ease is the best way to put it. Yeah, I'm just at ease.

Yeah. So in those moments that we are triggered, which just means like something has happened. You know what it feels like to be triggered. Right when we're triggered, we actually are a little kid again, We're not our current age. We are regressed and altered to some little kid, you know stage. And a little kid can't decide whether to go off Instagram or not. A little kid can't decide what to do in a car when you're being sure. Yeah, so just noticing, Oh how old do I feel right now? Oh? I feel like I'm ten years old? Oh this body feeling. Notice all of that, and then this sounds a little simplistic. Is not quite this simple? But kind of shaking it off, like moving it through my body, like okay, this is not who I am. So I shake my body. Maybe I put a song on and shake it through for a minute, take a breath, and then I take myself to a time that I'm in the flow. I'm putting my hands in my heart right now. That's what I do. But you might have a physical gesture some people might touch their lip like little kids go like this, oh yeah, oh I'm so bored. They put their head in their hands. Yeah yeah, so some like little muscle memory, physical gesture. And then I take myself to a time that I'm in the flow, like things are clicking, things are going well, and I know for me, you said at ease, For me, it's curious. I get super curious. And I talked to my mom recently and she said, yeah, that tracks. You were such a curious little kid. So I think that's who I was before I took on all the things. So I go to that curiosity. I take myself to being in the flow, take a breath, and then you grow yourself up to be your current age, and then you can really decide instead of compulsive, automatic, reactive. You can decide do I want to be on Instagram or not? And I think it in some ways it just happens when you clear out all of the old and your brain doesn't just fire to those automatic neural pathways, and then you intentionally use intention to take yourself to okay, me at my best, me without my patterns, my inner core, which to me is like your healthy intellect, your heart, your intuition and bring it all together, be your current grown up self, not running from Oh my god, this hurts or I feel so powerless. But when you access that deep wisdom, you have all the power of your birth round that you're born with, and then yeah, you make a decision on what's right for you and for me, I can't quite slow down it, slow it down enough of being in the back of that car to know I cleared everything out. But it happens so quickly. Yeah, it's like it just dropped in, just dropped in, and I did it. But I think this goes to like a much more spiritual place. Yeah, like we are all one, we are connected to the best wisdom out there. When we clear out all the old neural pathways, there's some part of us, our soul, our higher self like whatever you.

Yeah. So in those moments that we are triggered, which just means like something has happened. You know what it feels like to be triggered. Right when we're triggered, we actually are a little kid again, We're not our current age. We are regressed and altered to some little kid, you know stage. And a little kid can't decide whether to go off Instagram or not. A little kid can't decide what to do in a car when you're being sure. Yeah, so just noticing, Oh how old do I feel right now? Oh? I feel like I'm ten years old? Oh this body feeling. Notice all of that, and then this sounds a little simplistic. Is not quite this simple? But kind of shaking it off, like moving it through my body, like okay, this is not who I am. So I shake my body. Maybe I put a song on and shake it through for a minute, take a breath, and then I take myself to a time that I'm in the flow. I'm putting my hands in my heart right now. That's what I do. But you might have a physical gesture some people might touch their lip like little kids go like this, oh yeah, oh I'm so bored. They put their head in their hands. Yeah yeah, so some like little muscle memory, physical gesture. And then I take myself to a time that I'm in the flow, like things are clicking, things are going well, and I know for me, you said at ease, For me, it's curious. I get super curious. And I talked to my mom recently and she said, yeah, that tracks. You were such a curious little kid. So I think that's who I was before I took on all the things. So I go to that curiosity. I take myself to being in the flow, take a breath, and then you grow yourself up to be your current age, and then you can really decide instead of compulsive, automatic, reactive. You can decide do I want to be on Instagram or not? And I think it in some ways it just happens when you clear out all of the old and your brain doesn't just fire to those automatic neural pathways, and then you intentionally use intention to take yourself to okay, me at my best, me without my patterns, my inner core, which to me is like your healthy intellect, your heart, your intuition and bring it all together, be your current grown up self, not running from Oh my god, this hurts or I feel so powerless. But when you access that deep wisdom, you have all the power of your birth round that you're born with, and then yeah, you make a decision on what's right for you and for me, I can't quite slow down it, slow it down enough of being in the back of that car to know I cleared everything out. But it happens so quickly. Yeah, it's like it just dropped in, just dropped in, and I did it. But I think this goes to like a much more spiritual place. Yeah, like we are all one, we are connected to the best wisdom out there. When we clear out all the old neural pathways, there's some part of us, our soul, our higher self like whatever you.

Call, yeah, your guides, whatever it has.

Call, yeah, your guides, whatever it has.

It's connected and you get that wisdom. Yeah. Yeah, I think for it's more about intentional choice than the reactive little kid. Yeah. I also think it comes down to we make a lot of compulsive, automatic choices in life, and we try to control things to try to be safe. I don't think we actually connect that. I think people are like I've got to control this and control that. And sometimes it's I don't want to feel my own feelings because they're quote unquote negative or scary, or I don't want to deal with I'm scared of your feelings, so I'm going to care take you and make sure you're okay, so I don't And if if we can just be with ourselves and say I'm safe, even when I'm angry, even when I'm scared, I'm an adult. Now I'm safe, we can let go of some of that control because we always have agency and choice. And when we have agency and choice, possibility opens that we couldn't see before when we were the little kid and the old neural pathways. And that possibility that opens, I think, is where you say, oh, these things happened and I couldn't do this or that. I think when you clear things out, possibility comes in and you see ways to maybe get to something a little different than you were thinking it was going to. Yeah. But when possibility opens up, our inner power like joins yeah. Yeah.

It's connected and you get that wisdom. Yeah. Yeah, I think for it's more about intentional choice than the reactive little kid. Yeah. I also think it comes down to we make a lot of compulsive, automatic choices in life, and we try to control things to try to be safe. I don't think we actually connect that. I think people are like I've got to control this and control that. And sometimes it's I don't want to feel my own feelings because they're quote unquote negative or scary, or I don't want to deal with I'm scared of your feelings, so I'm going to care take you and make sure you're okay, so I don't And if if we can just be with ourselves and say I'm safe, even when I'm angry, even when I'm scared, I'm an adult. Now I'm safe, we can let go of some of that control because we always have agency and choice. And when we have agency and choice, possibility opens that we couldn't see before when we were the little kid and the old neural pathways. And that possibility that opens, I think, is where you say, oh, these things happened and I couldn't do this or that. I think when you clear things out, possibility comes in and you see ways to maybe get to something a little different than you were thinking it was going to. Yeah. But when possibility opens up, our inner power like joins yeah. Yeah.

And I think this is the big paradigm flip of your book that I was so drawn to. Is this idea that so many of us want to control our external circumstances so that we feel safe. And if you really think about it, the logic is off there anyways, because as we're talking about today, we don't have total control over our external environment. So even if you put all your energy and effort toward that and create maybe a tiny little bubble where your money is the way you want it, and your job's the way you want it, and your relationships are the way you want it, you might feel safe for like glimpses or moments of time, But even that is so much effort to try to keep that the way you need it to be so that you can feel safe. But if you can go inward and feel safe inside of yourself, then whatever happens in your external circumstances, whoever's elected to the presidency, whatever happens you know, in politics, or in your family, or in your relationship or your job or your money or whatever, you get to continue feeling safe no matter what happens externally. So maybe I'm asking the wrong question because I feel like my questions coming from a place of people talk about this idea of manifestation. If you think the right thoughts, you feel the right feelings, and then you manifest this external reality, and sometimes I feel like there's a breakdown in my process, which maybe there also is. But sometimes I feel like I don't have the effectiveness that I would like to as far as bringing things into the physical reality. But maybe I'm asking the wrong question because it's really not about the physical reality. If I felt safe inside of myself, I wouldn't need the business venture to work out. I wouldn't need the right person to be elected president. I wouldn't need xyz feeling the blank thing because I would feel already feel safe regardless of what happened externally.

And I think this is the big paradigm flip of your book that I was so drawn to. Is this idea that so many of us want to control our external circumstances so that we feel safe. And if you really think about it, the logic is off there anyways, because as we're talking about today, we don't have total control over our external environment. So even if you put all your energy and effort toward that and create maybe a tiny little bubble where your money is the way you want it, and your job's the way you want it, and your relationships are the way you want it, you might feel safe for like glimpses or moments of time, But even that is so much effort to try to keep that the way you need it to be so that you can feel safe. But if you can go inward and feel safe inside of yourself, then whatever happens in your external circumstances, whoever's elected to the presidency, whatever happens you know, in politics, or in your family, or in your relationship or your job or your money or whatever, you get to continue feeling safe no matter what happens externally. So maybe I'm asking the wrong question because I feel like my questions coming from a place of people talk about this idea of manifestation. If you think the right thoughts, you feel the right feelings, and then you manifest this external reality, and sometimes I feel like there's a breakdown in my process, which maybe there also is. But sometimes I feel like I don't have the effectiveness that I would like to as far as bringing things into the physical reality. But maybe I'm asking the wrong question because it's really not about the physical reality. If I felt safe inside of myself, I wouldn't need the business venture to work out. I wouldn't need the right person to be elected president. I wouldn't need xyz feeling the blank thing because I would feel already feel safe regardless of what happened externally.

So something you helped me with when we were talking about that, which is really cool, is that we all think that the threat is outside of us. Who was elected to the presidency? What's going on in the world stage there? And you know, I worked at the CIA for twenty years. The world is not serious.

So something you helped me with when we were talking about that, which is really cool, is that we all think that the threat is outside of us. Who was elected to the presidency? What's going on in the world stage there? And you know, I worked at the CIA for twenty years. The world is not serious.

Is a threat outside of us?

Is a threat outside of us?

Yeah?

Yeah?

In fact, Oh funny story. This is a side note, but I was going to tell you because I've never said this before, but I lived for several years with a roommate and she was my best friend at the time who worked for the FBI in counter terrorism, and so I felt like I got a little bit of an up close picture. Although there was a lot that she did that was secret and I couldn't know about most of it. But she reminds me of you. You remind me of her a little bit. Yeah, you guys are very similar in certain ways. Yeah.

In fact, Oh funny story. This is a side note, but I was going to tell you because I've never said this before, but I lived for several years with a roommate and she was my best friend at the time who worked for the FBI in counter terrorism, and so I felt like I got a little bit of an up close picture. Although there was a lot that she did that was secret and I couldn't know about most of it. But she reminds me of you. You remind me of her a little bit. Yeah, you guys are very similar in certain ways. Yeah.

So I'm not sitting here naive, like, oh, just go into your heart. Everything's okay. The world is not safe. I get that, but the real threat actually isn't that. The real threat, as you helped me put this wording to it, the threat is inside ourselves. Yeah, meaning if you feel safe and psychologically safe inside yourself, you have your own worth and belonging inside yourself. You actually trust yourself and you know that you can face whatever happens, whoever's president, whatever may occur. And that is what the CIA taught me. I had to do really dangerous things that were not safe for me. But if I walked around going, oh my god, I'm so scared I have to meet with a terrorist, Oh my god, I'm going to die, I wouldn't be effective in doing my job. First of all, but I also that breaks down the body to have all of that cortisol and fear, So the threat actually wasn't the terrorist that I was meeting with. The threat was what I was doing to myself and not being able to meet the situation. So we can't control well, I won't say we can't control who's president, but like depending we can't individually, we.

So I'm not sitting here naive, like, oh, just go into your heart. Everything's okay. The world is not safe. I get that, but the real threat actually isn't that. The real threat, as you helped me put this wording to it, the threat is inside ourselves. Yeah, meaning if you feel safe and psychologically safe inside yourself, you have your own worth and belonging inside yourself. You actually trust yourself and you know that you can face whatever happens, whoever's president, whatever may occur. And that is what the CIA taught me. I had to do really dangerous things that were not safe for me. But if I walked around going, oh my god, I'm so scared I have to meet with a terrorist, Oh my god, I'm going to die, I wouldn't be effective in doing my job. First of all, but I also that breaks down the body to have all of that cortisol and fear, So the threat actually wasn't the terrorist that I was meeting with. The threat was what I was doing to myself and not being able to meet the situation. So we can't control well, I won't say we can't control who's president, but like depending we can't individually, we.

Can individually we can do as vote. I mean you're right about that.

Can individually we can do as vote. I mean you're right about that.

I mean our vote matters. And yes, we can't control everything that comes who the cabinet level picks are all of that, but we have agency over how we meet it, how we meet that, and so the threat isn't all of that. The world's going to do what it does, and all we can do is look at Okay, am I going to meet this in a way that you know Cortisol overtakes my body? And then I really do start to lose agency because I can't make any decisions you know that are not out of just the old neural pathways, or am I going to clear out all of this inside of myself embody? That's what agency is, embodied empowerment. I think, like embody who I really am, and then move forward from there and meet life from that place.

I mean our vote matters. And yes, we can't control everything that comes who the cabinet level picks are all of that, but we have agency over how we meet it, how we meet that, and so the threat isn't all of that. The world's going to do what it does, and all we can do is look at Okay, am I going to meet this in a way that you know Cortisol overtakes my body? And then I really do start to lose agency because I can't make any decisions you know that are not out of just the old neural pathways, or am I going to clear out all of this inside of myself embody? That's what agency is, embodied empowerment. I think, like embody who I really am, and then move forward from there and meet life from that place.

Well, and the question I'm asking is am I going to meet this as the five year old, or meet this as the forty one year old. You know who's going to be more effective? You know, maybe the forty one year old doesn't always have the answers to everything, but she's going to have a heck of a lot more wisdom to bring to the situation than the five year old girl is. The five year old girl is just not equipped to handle any of life's problems.

Well, and the question I'm asking is am I going to meet this as the five year old, or meet this as the forty one year old. You know who's going to be more effective? You know, maybe the forty one year old doesn't always have the answers to everything, but she's going to have a heck of a lot more wisdom to bring to the situation than the five year old girl is. The five year old girl is just not equipped to handle any of life's problems.

Right, So when we get out of those old neural pathways, it's not just the forty one year old, it's actually your accessed, yes intuition, your deepest wisdom, which is connected to the whole world, the divine or the light or the universe or whatever anyone wants to call that, which is, you know, beyond us. When you clear all of that out, you have access to that and things open up that you could not have seen coming from the other perspective. So doom and gloom and this isn't safe and I'm powerless. You don't see a lot from there. You're a little kid, sure, but you also can only see this the aperture is closed down.

Right, So when we get out of those old neural pathways, it's not just the forty one year old, it's actually your accessed, yes intuition, your deepest wisdom, which is connected to the whole world, the divine or the light or the universe or whatever anyone wants to call that, which is, you know, beyond us. When you clear all of that out, you have access to that and things open up that you could not have seen coming from the other perspective. So doom and gloom and this isn't safe and I'm powerless. You don't see a lot from there. You're a little kid, sure, but you also can only see this the aperture is closed down.

Yeah, I think it's really important what you're getting at that. When I move into present day, Alley. I access more than to forty one year old Ali. I access like all the wisdom that I've gained as a soul being in this universe for as long as you know, however you want to believe that that all happens. It's like the story that I told in a previous episode about doing the dishes in the kitchen and having the word pleurisy drop into my brain out of nowhere, and I did not know what pluracy meant, and come to find out it's an inflammation of the lining of the lungs, and that's exactly what I was dealing with with pneumonia. And so, you know, calling my doctor and being like, I need a chest text ray because I think I have pneumonia. How did I have access to that wisdom? Like, where did that come from? I don't know. I mean, we could sit all day and pontificate about where it came from. But the point is we have access to more wisdom than we even realize. That was not something that I learned in a textbook in my forty one years of life. That was something that came from outside xt I have no idea where it came from.

Yeah, I think it's really important what you're getting at that. When I move into present day, Alley. I access more than to forty one year old Ali. I access like all the wisdom that I've gained as a soul being in this universe for as long as you know, however you want to believe that that all happens. It's like the story that I told in a previous episode about doing the dishes in the kitchen and having the word pleurisy drop into my brain out of nowhere, and I did not know what pluracy meant, and come to find out it's an inflammation of the lining of the lungs, and that's exactly what I was dealing with with pneumonia. And so, you know, calling my doctor and being like, I need a chest text ray because I think I have pneumonia. How did I have access to that wisdom? Like, where did that come from? I don't know. I mean, we could sit all day and pontificate about where it came from. But the point is we have access to more wisdom than we even realize. That was not something that I learned in a textbook in my forty one years of life. That was something that came from outside xt I have no idea where it came from.

I love this. I want to talk about this because I had a moment where I learned about you said the word. The word popped into you, pleurisy, and you spoke to a friend of yours you said, Oh, it's called Claire audience, and that's like and you thought, oh, I'm just a writer. I want to talk about that because I remember my moment and it might have been with Amanda, who I'm also friends with, And I know, I don't know when I learned it, but I always thought I'm just a really good decision maker at CIA, like oh should we go take this route or that route? And I just thought I was like, Okay, I've studied everything, and my intellect is strong. I made good decisions. And it turns out there's all these Claire's Claire audience. Claire sentient is like a feeling you just have, the like you feel. Clairvoyance is seeing, and then there's something called Claire cognizance.

I love this. I want to talk about this because I had a moment where I learned about you said the word. The word popped into you, pleurisy, and you spoke to a friend of yours you said, Oh, it's called Claire audience, and that's like and you thought, oh, I'm just a writer. I want to talk about that because I remember my moment and it might have been with Amanda, who I'm also friends with, And I know, I don't know when I learned it, but I always thought I'm just a really good decision maker at CIA, like oh should we go take this route or that route? And I just thought I was like, Okay, I've studied everything, and my intellect is strong. I made good decisions. And it turns out there's all these Claire's Claire audience. Claire sentient is like a feeling you just have, the like you feel. Clairvoyance is seeing, and then there's something called Claire cognizance.

It's just like a knowing yes.

It's just like a knowing yes.

And that happened for me a lot in those twenty years, and I a lot. For a long time. I was asking what you're saying, which is like why, why why? And I realized why isn't really the important question? It's more like, how did I do this? How do I do it again? What does this make possible right now in this moment? But once I learned those words, I realized again when I cleared all of the limiting beliefs and behaviors and patterns that I learned in my childhood home before I was like ten years old, it just happens like it's crazy. So this extrasensory thing, you know, people always make these jokes about CIA knowing how to do this and yeah and do the other. I think it's really just like teaching the CIA taught me how to trust myself and how to get off the X, meaning clear out all the things that are getting in the way and that your survival brain is taking over. They taught me to override my survival brain, get into my rest and digest brain, no matter what was going on around me. And then all of this extra wisdom comes in. So it's not like, oh, people with the CIA or psychic or they know, it's like, no, like we just learned, they've.

And that happened for me a lot in those twenty years, and I a lot. For a long time. I was asking what you're saying, which is like why, why why? And I realized why isn't really the important question? It's more like, how did I do this? How do I do it again? What does this make possible right now in this moment? But once I learned those words, I realized again when I cleared all of the limiting beliefs and behaviors and patterns that I learned in my childhood home before I was like ten years old, it just happens like it's crazy. So this extrasensory thing, you know, people always make these jokes about CIA knowing how to do this and yeah and do the other. I think it's really just like teaching the CIA taught me how to trust myself and how to get off the X, meaning clear out all the things that are getting in the way and that your survival brain is taking over. They taught me to override my survival brain, get into my rest and digest brain, no matter what was going on around me. And then all of this extra wisdom comes in. So it's not like, oh, people with the CIA or psychic or they know, it's like, no, like we just learned, they've.

Learned the skills. Yeah, and this is so this is the perfect way to wrap up this conversation because after you and I talked about Amanda I reached out to Amanda and was telling her the story about the story that I told on the previous episode, and I asked her if she would come on and talk about how do we develop these extra sensory skills, because I do think I think you're touching on something so important, which is that we all have access to these things if we're willing to practice. Just like anything, we have to practice and strengthen the muscle. And so Amanda is going to come on the show probably early twenty twenty five and talk about the five clears and how do we exercise those muscles and become more aware of the wisdom that's available to us at all times. It'll be the perfect pair with this this conversation. So thank you so much for doing this and being here and coming to Nashville to sit with me and have this conversation. I feel really grateful and so lucky to know you, and I know our listeners are very lucky to get access to your wisdom today. So thanks for thanks for sharing with us, Thank you for inviting me.