Thursday Therapy: Step into Wifey Energy

Published May 23, 2024, 4:00 AM

Allan is back with Jana and ready to confirm some dating tips that can help you find the right guy! Jana, Kristen and Allan are hanging out with Thalia Ouimet, founder of a high end matchmaking agency called “We Met Through Thalia”. 

Jana opens up about how Allan REALLY reacted when she was trying to be sexy on Instagram.

And, we find out what happened when Jana’s ex asked her to help with his dating profile!

Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.

All Right, So this week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Talia we Met. She's the founder of We Met through Thalia at High End, a matchmaking agency base out of New York City in Miami. So she has a book out called how to Attract the Right Guy, Avoid situations, step into wifey energy, and get him to commit. So we don't she's not on yet, but you don't ever do this, but because usually we just go straight into it on Therapy Thursday. But I've got obviously Kristen and Alan today. So while we were waiting on her, I love this book for a couple of reasons. But I also remember when I got divorced, someone gave me the book Why Men Love Bitches.

I've not heard that that's an actual title. That's incredible. No, no, I'm sure it is never heard. I'm pretty sure it is. That's incredible.

And it was something where I'm like, okay, because I feel like when you're dating, you know, there's all these things like all right, step into wife the energy, you know, get him to commit. But and I think back on that book now and i'm reading it, I'm like, well, I don't want to do that because that's not me. And so then with this situation too, like I'm really excited to talk to her because I feel like when it's the right person, he's going to commit. So like Alan, it's like if I was to play the quote unquote games or you know, not return the cat, Well I didn't for a minute, but not because I was trying to play a game. I just I wonder do you guys even like that, like just be you because right because you're gonna you're gonna commit to the right person.

Yeah.

I think it's all about the timeframe as well. What period of dating are you in if you just split up with someone and you just want to have fun, So therefore you can be whatever you can put on whatever persona you want because it doesn't matter. You're not looking for your husband at that point. And I guess one of my questions is based around this, like when does it become a point where is dating It's almost like you need to a strategy, you know, but dating, and that shouldn't be the case. So based on the timeline that you're in and what you want to achieve, when is it the right time to be yourself and if you want to be a wife, then give off those vibes. But that's not always the right thing at the right time.

I'm going to sound a little ruthless, but I guess for me, like it's a very cut and dry policy, like I'm either dating to marry you or I'm not dating at all. Like I've never been like a I don't even want a second date with someone who's not interesting to me in that way. I get that, like I'm pretty all in, which we've seen from track record, But you know, like I'm like, it shouldn't be a strategy, which I hate and I agree with Alan because it is so strategic and where do you even find real people anymore?

Well, she just got on, so let's get her on and then we'll dive right into it.

Hello, how are you.

I'm Janna Alan Kristen. Well, we just started chatting before you came on out your new book that's out How to Attract the Right Guy. And Allan even an interesting point because I was saying, basically, I've read you know the Why Men Love Bitches and and you Know things to do for dating. But when I was reading those books, I'm like, well, I don't want to play quote unquote games. It's not saying they're games, but I just want to be me. And and then I was asking him, like, as a guy, you know, do you like that? And you basically said it was about the timing, right.

Yeah.

You get people who date for very short periods of time or on their own matchmaking sights, and then you get people who you see them or you speak to them, they've been they've been dating people for years and they've been on dating apps for years. As a as a woman, when does it become a point where you end up just settling for someone that the best person of an average bunch, or debate is it actually true love? And when I think there's like a cloudy the area there, will they date so much that they almost settle for the person who is just the best of that bunch and not the actual true love?

Do you find that a lot?

So as a matchmaker and as a dating coach, I advise against that, you know, and I talk about this in my book about being really clear about what you're looking for, because when you're trying to find someone without their description, that's like trying to find a missing person without the description. So it's almost impossible. So what I recommend in chapter three is to make a list of the things that you're really looking for in a person, so that when he does show up in your life, you can easily identify and say this is my guy, like this is the one who I want to start a family with, I want to settle down with.

Do you feel like love at first sight is a true or false?

I think that there's lust at first sight. I think that physical attraction. Yeah, I think there's absolutely lest at first sight. Yes, I don't think there's love at first sight because how can you try really love someone without knowing who they are? But I do believe in lust at first site for sure.

Does that translate to love at first site eventually for you? Or do you think let's get all of that out of the way first before it becomes something more.

I think, going back to what I was saying, I think that there's no such thing as love at first sight because I think if you really define love, that's knowing someone's flaws. How can you love someone's flaws and who they really are and everything they embody if you don't actually know them.

So do you think the chemistry that you have with them, though, can lead or be like a signal or symptom to love eventually, Like in the ratio of people that have had love lust at first sight, do they transfer over to like marriage or do you think that's just like crazy hormonal like primal attraction.

I would say it's probably pheromones and just physical attraction doing its same.

Honey, what do you think it was? Because you always say I'm staring it up because you always say it was. I sure because we both say, you know it was that love it quote unquote love at first. I knew from the moment that I met you saw you.

Yeah, but we had also spoken for a few weeks.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, So we.

Got to know each other, not physically face to face, but we got to know each other on face thing.

So, Alan, what would you say in you know, when it comes to attracting the right guy and the things that women do like so stepping into the energy, what do you think is one of the biggest turnoffs that you see from dating? And then I'm curious to them to throw it back at you tell you who you know when you're writing this, like where do you think the women fall fall short with that, so like, what's the guy's perspective and then this, yeah, experts for experts.

Well that's I think that's an individual thing, isn't it.

Well, what don't you like when you were dating girls? Like what was what was too much? I guess, or what was a turnoff? Instantly?

Masculine women for me is a is a big thumb off?

Oh I love that. Yeah, yeah, that's my chapter two.

So can you explain that just a little because I remember when you did help me. You you that was the first time I ever heard that was from you when we first started dating.

Yeah.

I think you find out as you get older and as you're mature what type of women you're actually not just attracted to, but connect with. And I don't connect with masculine women. I'm quite a masculine guy, so therefore I connect more with feminine women. So offtter feminine women. So a masculine women for me on a first date, who is overpowering or what?

That's just not for me.

So you're not talking like muscles, You're talking like energy. Yeah, what would you say?

For sure? I agree with him one hundred percent. Feminine femininity is what makes women so powerful and so magical and magnetic. And in chapter two I talk about the feminine energy and how if you can hone in on that and you can turn off your boss babe, you know, while you're on a date with someone, how that will lead to way more attraction for the guy, because guys are attracted to feminine energy.

So I get that.

I also think though, too, just to like defend my masculine girls out there, because I think I've played in both arenas where my masculine energy comes out when I'm feeling like I either have to put on a front or defend or to like when I'm trying so hard. Is when it would really come out for me, was when I was like really really trying hard as opposed to just stepping into who I was.

I would agree with that though, and I would also say I think you and I are wired similarly, like we will be severely independent to the point like we're not we don't need you. But then I think the right person for both of us has been able to take that and demolish it pretty quickly.

Oh yeah, because I think I did that with you too, Like I at first I think I had a big old shield up, but then your energy then just brings me down to who I'm supposed to, my authentic femininity.

Feminine energy is about receiving, because what we forget is when guys are in their masculine, they want to provide and protect and they want to give us something, whether that's carrying, you know, carrying our bags into the house or you know, whatever that is. And so I think it's all about remembering too. It's okay to receive, and it's okay for a guy to step into his masculine and for you to be the receiver.

When you met your person? Did was it tricky to know what you know? Because you have a very you're very educated in this matchmaking world. So is it hard to take off almost your business hat essentially when you start dating someone? Now, now what you know to like not overanalyze.

I was going to say, no, I think I I think if any of my friends were here, I think they would chime in and say, she actually follows her own rules. And so I'm not typically the one going through like a crazy heartbreak where someone love bomby because I'm really good identifying things and I also know what I know myself, and I write that in the book too, Like chapter one's about looking within and understanding who you are so that you know what's the best match for you. Because if you don't know who you are and you don't know what's a good fit, that's going to be really hard to find that right person.

What's the wife the energy?

What do you think that energy is?

It's the feminine energy. It's about like, it's about receiving. It's about being in your feminine It's about you know, showing up in a way that's also like I'm open, I'm available, you know, when you're out, and about if you're trying to meet someone organically, it's about showing up with that openness, because I do think that sometimes my girlfriends are single and they're out and I'm like, girl, you don't look approachable right now, Like you look pissed, you know, and we need we need you to be in that like happy, like vibrant energy to attract that right guy who's going to like spot you or see you. And so why the energy is a lot of things you have to read the book, but I think the biggest one I want to say is you have to be in that open, receiving moade.

If you find yourself accidentally love bumbed, say someone that's listening, it's been accidentally love bumbed, because I think it still gets the best of us. Right, even if you're like well educated, know yourself, you're like, oh, oh, that's exciting. Now what is this like that's not the guy for you? Or is there like a series of questions?

I would say the first thing is if someone you're only seeing them for the first time on a first date or second day at third date, and they're telling you how much they like you and how they can't wait for you to meet their family and all this stuff. It's like, how do you know you like me? You don't even know me? You know, that's love bomby. It's it's not it's not genuine, and it doesn't come from a good place. It's like they have another hidden aginda that you don't know about.

Yeah, that actually made my throat close when you said it.

So so and I'm like, well you feah the person, it's all good, it's happy.

I don't know. I remember in college I dated this gentleman briefly and super super sweet, but it was like date too and I came out This still gives me a vibe and I think he meant well, I hope, and I hope he's not behind bar somewhere, but he I came out to my vehicle to like leave for my serving shift, you know, four thirty PM, real motivated, right, And I come out and there's like this. Not only is there a love letter and a rose, but it's put inside one of those plastic protectors so in case it rained, his words wouldn't be smudged. And I thought, I can't breathe. I can't breathe in how do I say? I'm having an EpiPen like needed reaction right now even telling the story. But I just remember being like, this is too much, too soon. Obviously we were young, but I have heard girlfriends like older, you know girlfriends we have now that go on dates and they're like, yeah, that just escalated really quickly, and it just really throws off my energy. It makes me feel like a little unsafe.

I love how you bring up energy because I always say your nervous system will always guide you in the right direction. So if you tap, if you know yourself and you're tapping in after a date and you're like, how do I feel how this person make me feel if you feel like your nervous system shutting down, you kind of like when you said your throat closed up. That is such a telltale sign that the universe, god, whatever you pray to, is trying to warn you that this isn't it sounds great on the outside. I even tell one of my personal stories I think in chapter three about someone trying to love on me and say all the right things, but like my nervous system was trying to communicate, And that's such an important thing to listen to because your body will never steer you the wrong way.

Ever, how did you meet the person that you are in a relationship with now?

Oh? Just through friend introduction. I had someone play match to make your on me.

So I love that too, and I sometimes feel overwhelmed for like the women now that are dating and men I suppose, but that have to do everything like through apps. It just feels so tricky to me. Do you have any advice for people navigating apps and swiping left right?

I do, so I think that the obvious thing that comes to my mind is tell all of your friends that are taken to think of you just be like, hey, if you meet a guy who's x y Z think of me, especially for in a room at like a house, swimming party or a barbecue and you see someone who single and seems really great, think of me in that moment. I think sometimes the take and married friends forget about the single friends. But at the end of the day, like those single friends are really relying on them to make introductions that are more insightful because dating apps are a lot harder because you don't have anyone who's pre vetted that person. There's no vouching. You're kind of just hoping for the best.

Yeah, I mean, I'm so glad to be off the dating apps.

Me too, I'm glad you're off the dating we were.

I was looking at old photos and it was when I was divorced, and I was like, oh my gosh, babe. I was like these photos of me, what did you say?

I was starving?

I was starving. He goes, he goes, did you actually post this photo? And it was me and like a bikini top in the pool with like my hands up and I'm like, this is I'm cringing at myself from I was. He's like he's like, He's like, wow, bab And I was like and then the filters, the amount of filters I was putting on my face and just like the sexy like trying to show my boobs and just I mean, I was really putting it out there in a very as a one would say, hungry, thirsty way. But it's hard, you know, and I just I don't know. But it was funny because we were at baseball and I started laughing about it because my ex was there and we were talking about dating apps, and I was just like, Oh, it's got to be it's got to be rough out there, you know. And he's like, when I get back on, he's like, maybe you can help me with profile pics. I'm like, dear lord, what is this world coming to. I'm gonna my ex husband with this profile photost.

I don't have much to say in the pre vetting section of referencing prevetting, No.

But I was like, oh, I just can't wait to sit down with, you know, the one he does end up with, because I would love that. I'd like everyone to be happy in all the things. But back to this, No, I can't even imagine. You know, the world of dating. It's hard, especially when you when someone really wants to find that person because it's lonely when you don't like As much as I found peace being alone, there's something so magical to have an incredible partner by your side, and you know, I want that for everybody to have that amazing relationship and to have, you know, peace in all the areas alone but also in a relationship. So I love you know that you're trying to help people guide them in the right way. But having said that, in the dating world there is a lot of ghosting. So for the people that I've experienced that, you know, do you talk about that at all in your book and kind of how to navigate because it makes you feel like you're not good enough, And I think that's just I know I felt that in past when that would happen. But to me, I always go, okay, I always know at the very end, you know, it all happened for a reason. I found the one that I was supposed to end up with. But it's hard to see that in the moment.

I know, and I always say, rejection is God's protection, and I think that's the biggest thing we have to remember is that if he wanted to, he would, and if he wanted to reach out. He would. There's no excuses for it, and at the end of the day, it's just protecting you and that will lead you to meeting that right person instead of wasting more time, more dates, investing your energy into someone that is not meant for you. I don't know what it is with the ghosting culture. I know that, you know, when I was single, I would always say the text like, hey, I think you're amazing. I just don't think we're the right fit, and I wish more people would do that. I don't touch on it much in the book, just because I felt like I had I mean, there's so many things I wanted to cover in the book, and that's why I'm writing a second book, because there's just so I wanted to be digestible, and it's such a quick read, and each chapter has an activity, like an exercise, and so I couldn't put everything in there. But I definitely think ghosting is something you just have to remember, like, don't take it personal. That person was either not ready or you know, some of the past came back into their life, which you don't want to get involved in a triangle situation anyway. So just always know that there are things that the universe, God sees that you don't see, and it's just protecting you from something that's not meant for you.

Kristin, did you ever ghost anybody?

Maybe?

Did you?

Bet?

Probably my younger years. For sure, I had to of just because I wasn't. I didn't want to hurt anyone's feeling one thousand percent so and not to be that ghosting isn't hurtful. But I think it wasn't called ghosting, by the way, I don't know what that G form was called, but.

Avoiding I think that was exactly the same thing. I wouldn't because I would I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But then again, post divorce, I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna do this differently. And I remember I I even sent it to Julie. I'm like, okay, this is a copy paste. I was like, how does this sound? You know, I had a great time, you were very great. Having said that, this is just not the relationship that I see. It was like, very kind, but you're a great person. And then it was like, you know, I totally get it. But if you ever I'm like, no, I just I closed it like I tried to. I tried to be kind, but then you kept trying. He kept trying to open the door again. I'm like, no, no, I already said I don't. I said everything I wanted to say. And that's when my friend Julie was like, Okay, now you can say nothing. Like now you're allowed to say nothing because you've already said everything.

I think ghosting also is un lesson.

I'm may be completely wrong here, but I think a part of ghosting is if you're a man and you've ghosted someone, a lot of that is your negative relationship with yourself because you're ghosting someone. So if you've ghosted someone, then you've been complimentary and you've led them in a way. But once you realize, okay, you've you've led them in and you know that they want you, No, no, I don't want them, or I don't I feel like I'm good enough to have this person, or it could, but again it goes back to where you are yourself and what your relationship as for yourself. Some people do it just if you wanted and then discard that person.

I used to do that back in the twenties. Negative that was my Yeah, messed upness for sure. I can relate to that piece from twenties.

So do you coach people personally as well, like one to one or do you just guide them towards your book?

No, So I have two different companies. To have my matchmaking company and then I have my coaching business. So my coaching business, I coach men and women. And that's if you know, if you're always out being social when you're meeting a ton of people and let's just say your roster's pretty big and you're just trying to learn how to date better and get better results, that's kind of where I come in. And I love a really good complex situation of like, okay, we're on date three and this is what happened at dinner, and like I just made your advice on this, like how do I navigate? And I'm like, oh, they're so good. I love a good complex situation.

I'd be so f on. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. Everyone go grab her book how to track the right guy, avoid situationships, step into wife the energy, and get him to commit. Thank you so much for coming on.

Thank you for having me, thank you, of course

Thank you, Bye girl, bye

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