Jana and Mike are diving into the inbox to answer all your questions!
We help listeners struggling with sex addiction, a partner with a bad temper and how to handle a “sugar daddy”
Plus would Mike make a good love interest for Jana in a movie??
Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com
Wind down and her radio podcast. Hey honey, how are you doing today? Well, um, Jason is not napping at the moment, so I'm a little stressed. Let me take the monitor from you. You might have to, because he's doing so good at night now, but his naps still are just a challenge. Yeah, he's not napping, and I feel like it's so hard because as a mom, and I don't say this in any disrespect at all, but we really need those naps. You know, as a mom, you don't think the dads. I feel like the dads like get their time regardless. That's just what I make up in my mind that like, you guys will have your time regardless. And you know, it is interesting though, because how we spend our then, like our time during that naptime. Yeah, because it's like, well you can explain what you do well. You know, Lunch has become my favorite meal because two our process, it looks it's the only meal that I get to myself because breakfast is a scramble, Dinners are scramble, and dinner I'm usually cooking, so it's like cooking and feeding the kids and putting them down. Whoever cooks doesn't feed the kid. So let's just correct that one a little bit. Every time you've cooked, have you ever had to feed the kids? Maybe? Once? Maybe? What? Majority of the time, right, whoever is cooking doesn't have to feed the kids. It's never really been a spoken thing. It's it's just out of respect for the fact that you're cooking. I'm not gonna be like, hey, can you feed Jay's two while I well, I always try to help as much as I can, for sure, but the normally whoever is cooking doesn't have to do the legwork of Jay's Well, that's news to me, guys. So you guys are all witnesses that that's where Jana's head is at. But it's lunch is the only meal that I don't have to scramble, that we don't have to scramble. So I take my time. You need my lunch. I love it. It's your time. You do you? You You do you? What do you do? I do laundry, I respond back to emails, I work. I yeah, But again, it's just we have different ways of of doing us. So how's everything with you? What's going on in Mike's world? Since we love Mike's world, do we love Mike's world. I don't know. You always say in therapy, you say in Mike's world, Yeah, Mike's world. Ever, I'm always right, and you know that's not the case around here. No, I mean, I think we're kind of falling back into our routine again after going on vacation and everything. And it's but I will say, I miss vacation, like I want to go on vacation again. I know, like I wish we could, like I wish we could go to the beach, as wish things were normal, normal, as everyone does, you know. And it's just again, we've been in a fortunate situation where on a day to day this all hasn't affected us as dramatically as maybe some people because of the line of work that we're in. But it's just see, I feel like it's affected our line of work drastically. No, it has drastically. I'm talking about we don't have to go in office every day like we didn't. We didn't have like an everyday show up somewhere and work or every day have to go somewhere. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, drastically has financially for us, you know, and all the traveling that we're supposed to be doing and promoting in different shows and all of that. But I'm talking about the day to day. M hmm. Yeah, day to day for sure hasn't changed at all for sure. So it's just it's still it's I'm just kind of I'm gonna bowl of right now because I'm just tired of all this, as most people are. Yeah, I hear you on that. I definitely hear you. I wish we could go on a vacation. I wish we could go to the beach. And it's I booked a film, but I'm even terrified to even discuss it, to name it, to say anything, because I feel like things don't happen, Things don't like pan out the way you want to. You know, it's not you know, it's almost like when I got the offer, I was like, oh, this won't happen because the last movie we got ripped from two days in or one day in because of the you know, the start of the pandemic. So it's like, wait, no, no, no, good things don't happen in Fortunately, this one shoots in Nashville. It does, which they kind of forgot to mention, like an hour north of Nashville. So it's like an hour. I'm like, but I mean either way, I'm like my my agents like sent me the offer and I was like yes, and they're like, you have to read the script and I was like, yes, like you have to actually, like I'm taking it. I don't care, like and then I sent like an emoji of like a girl strip dancing, like like it's a part, but no, I was gonna say, Jana is trying to lobby to get me into play a minor part. You'd be so good in the film. And what the best thing about it? I think we all need a lobby for this because the character I would play very minimal speaking lines, very like only three scenes, but one of the scenes it was like like ten scenes. There's a lot more, you said. But the best part is I'm the one that comes in and like breaks up the kiss when Janna is about to kiss for love interest? So how good would that be for all of you that know us? If I'm the one that's portraying this person that this you know coincidentally breaks up the almost kiss, it would be so good and I think you'd do amazing at it. The only issue that I see is my love interest. You guys hit like, you know, he's he's attractive, but you're attractive and and so and so. They don't do that in casting. So but again what I said was we almost look enough alike where it could be, actually, you guys do actually look like so it could be like, okay, they could be friends. They kind of look alike. They should just make us brothers. Oh my god, that actually would be kind of cool because you kind of do look alike, like you have the same like structure and face and dark features. They should make us brothers because that way it wouldn't be as weird, like the chemistry between us is, or maybe would be even more scan maybe two scanned this for a lifetime. Yeah, oh you can say what it is. No, it's okay, No, it's fine. I mean, I just I am just so afraid it's not going to happen. And I'm like, if I get two movies, I mean again like Champagne problems, I know, but I've never booked two movies in a year, like years, so like I'm like, man, this could have been. I don't know. It's just it just sucks because I've sure a lot of people out there of you know, either with the job promotion or this or that, or you know, things that they have we're looking forward to doing, and then when it doesn't pan out, like a wedding or something, you get bummed. And I felt guilty about being bummed about not filming the last one, um, and then to be like, wow, I got another off like that. That's just like that doesn't happen. And then I'm like, oh, it's not gonna happen. You're right, which is so unfortunate. But I'm very proud of you, and you know, we try to take the silver lining with all of this, and at least you're being thought of and hopefully have the opportunity and it can build momentum going into into next year. But let's uh, we have some great emails that we're gonna get today, so let's take a break and dive into those. Okay, all right, this is our first email from anonymous. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over three and a half years. Hopefully the rain coming soon. We have been living together for the past seven months, and I would love to hear your advice on tackling a nighttime routine issue I am dealing with my boyfriend prefers staying up late, either watching TV or playing video games, even on work days. But I'm more of an early bird so I so I'm usually in bed before him. I have voiced to him that I really dislike going to bed alone every night, and that I wish he would at least come to bed to watch TV. He has agreed to come to bed when I do, one night a week. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much. I'm glad we have at least one day a week, but it still annoys me. Am I in the wrong here? Or is there some validity to my feelings? How else could I communicate my needs to him? Just really nice, really almost like two NICs where it's like, no, like you deserve more than that. Yeah, right. This is almost like the reversal of our situation, where it's like I get like one or two nights to myself a week, but we've always historically gone to bed at the same time at least together, and to her point, like, even if I usually stay up a little later, but I'm still in bed next to you. Yeah, I know for sure, And it's like I almost feel like only one time might not be enough in a week, it feels. But I mean again, how can we say how what works for some people works from together but to me disconnection, Well it's not working for her. So it's like that disconnection. It almost feels like you would need more. I would think in a week you would need more time to connect than just one night. But right especially both people are working. And what I would say is because they've only been living together for seven months, right, what I anticipate what happened was they went into this after dating for you know, three years, Okay, let's move in together. No expectations were discussed around their needs and time together. So he just hasn't changed anything about his schedule or what he does because when he was living on his own, this is what he was doing. So now he's not respecting the fact, not maybe maybe not purposely disrespecting that she's living there, but just not respecting the fact that someone else is living there, and that someone else's time also matters, and that you should spend that time together. He sounds young. Could put in age. They're definitely probably young. There's no way a forty year old is or even I think thirty. I don't know. I mean I wouldn't think that, but I mean, who knows. But again, like this is what works for us as opposed to what might work for you, guys. But I would think that I would think you would need at least four nights of the week together, more nights together than Yeah. Having said that, they'll look at our friend, you know, look at our friends. Are are good friends, Like they don't see each other for four months at a time, and that's what worked for them. I mean, gosh, then think about like army wives and army husbands. They never see their people, but that's not by choice. Well, some probably are. I mean they choose right to go into the army and and stay. Like our neighbor, you know, yeah, but yeah, I think I mean to answer her questions, I don't think she's wrong at all, and having those feelings, there's definitely some validity. I would just have sit down conversation and just and come from a place off you're not trying to tell, right, because guys, we don't like to be parented or controlled, So just have to sit down conversation, be like, look, I want you to have your time. I know that's important to you. I know you like staying up watch TV, you're playing video games, but I also need some more time with you. How can we come up with a compromise that's more than one night a week, because that's not a compromise. That's not a compromise, and it's not of filling my needs because and my needs are important as yours are too, So is there a way that we can work together to fulfill both our needs? Boom um. I got this on the wind Down Podcast Instagram. Hey Janna, I know you have a ton of d MS flooding and every day. I just wanted to reach out because I found out yesterday that my husband of almost three years cheated on me with a girl from work. I'm so confused on what to do. I decided to stay with him right away and work through this, partially because of you guys in your podcast. That's awesome. Um. I'm just confused and I don't know how to move forward. I want to just forget. I want to just forget about it and think it never happened and move on. I want to wake up like it was a bad dream. He says he doesn't even know why he did this. He doesn't have a reason, and he is the last person I would have ever thought would have done this to me. We are researching therapists in our area, and he's willing to do whatever it takes. What do you suggest I personally do for myself to move forward? Um, First of all, thanks for responding. I love that through listening to our podcast you can find hope in a situation where it's not. Um, it's not easy, but I would say that you know, in your situation, the fact that he's willing to go to a therapist is huge. And do the work, because there's a lot of guys that you've connected with, Mike, and they're like, I just I don't want to do it right, it's just too much work. Yeah, it's that. The fact that it seems like from the tone of your message is that he is He isn't being defensive or trying to blame it on her or turn it around or anything. I think it seems like he's owning his mistake, and the first part of that is his willingness to go to therapy. So good on you for for trying and not just running, not saying that you know leaving right away is it would be a bad thing, but you know, obviously with our story we promote to try to find it out and also like what you can do today, it's staying in today. And I think that's like the hugest thing that has worked for for me personally, because unfortunately, you're never gonna wake up and be like, oh, it was just a bad dream. It's your reality now. And the only way that you can stay present and work on the relationship is if you stay in today and see what he's doing today and put like really great boundaries in place too. And we talk actually about all of this UM in our new book, The Good Fight, which we actually just did the audible version of UM. But if you go to Jan and Mike dot com you can pre order. The book comes out in September. But there's a lot of great tips in there too, so a lot of stuff that will help you in this exact situation. Yeah, so hold out, you got this, Go to therapy and just remember stay present day today, see what he's doing today, and focus on those actions rather than the past ones. UM from Leon Parker. Hello, I'm in search of someone I can spoil weekly, sugar baby, so I can take care of you and pay your bills every week. I'll give you twenty. I'll give two every week. Will you accept my offer? So if anyone is wanting them Leon twenty, No, No, there was a few that came in just the past week. What like, does someone actually like, I know, like you can be There have been times when I have I was in the red red Red, Red red, and I was stealing toilet paper from my like my job, and lights were turning off, I mean the apartment that my mom and I stayed in. The lights shut off because we couldn't pay our bills. And I almost thought about this is like, oh my god, I can't blame sharing this. I almost thought about my friend which I will not name her name. She went to a foot fetish place and she like had guys massage her feet and she's like, you can make this much money. And I thought about it for like a second and a half. No, but I was like I needed the money. So like when I think, when I look back on this, and I'm like, well, if someone really needs the money, Leon dash Parker twenty will give you two hundred bugs that it's just it's creep then what's what's creepy about it? Is you can't judge because certain things that we've all done in our life is it's questionable for sure, but I mean the balls on these guys just to be like reach out anonymously to these to all these women. He probably sent that to how many people? Hey, here's a good one. I got to on the Wine Down podcast. I'm so grateful to you for putting your life, marriage and struggles out there for people to hear. It takes a lot of courage, but you truly help people. I'm currently struggling with my husband's infidelities, who is claiming it's due to sex addiction. We have two young kids, and I'm really struggling with it. I haven't told many people because I'm afraid of their judgment and also my embarrassment. My husband and I are currently separated and I'm really not sure if I'm willing to work things out. Thank you for helping me feel less alone. Thank you for showing me that there's life and happiness waiting after this dark hole. I'm sure it wasn't easy to share your experiences, but thank you. Um. I know she really didn't have any questions. I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through, but I will say Um, sometimes separation is good, especially when you have kids, to not let them be in that volatile, weird when things are toxic in that early on stages. But I'll just say, if you've got to tug in at your heart and he's willing to try, and you're willing to try, anything is possible, even though it's really freaking hard, really hard, and so it's gonna be a long journey. Um, what can you say to speak on claiming to be when someone says like they claim to be a sex addic, Like, what's something that he could be, you know, claiming to be? I mean, that's my only fear with him claim claiming to be is he might be the example of why society thinks this is a married man's excuse. It's like, don't just like he's using it as an excuse. I'm not saying that he is. I'm just saying the way she made it sound, it was like he was using it as an excuse when it's not. You know, so it's an explanation maybe on some of his behaviors. But he needs to be showing her that he believes that he is. But I'll just say this and just like Devil's Advocate is like, you didn't believe at the time because you when you heard it too, you're like, oh, it took me a while too, So I think like that's important to to, like, you know that for people to know as well, Like you're not just going to automatically like come up to that conclusion on your own, Like you're like, I think I might be. I don't know, like even when, So, then what differentiates it between thinking and knowing? Yeah, acceptance, it's really doing the work and realizing realizing that there's a pattern there, that there's a trend, that it's not just something recent, that there are reasons and explanations for your behaviors throughout your life in that realm, and so it's yeah, even so, it took it took a while for me to to reach the level of acceptance where I can look myself in the mirror and say, I'm a sex addict. That's part of who I am. I guess why didn't you believe it then in the beginning when our therapist said, you know, because you don't really know what that means, and that seems so right. A part of it, the step one is admitting that your powerless in your life has become unmanageable, well for a man, for anyone, but especially for men historically, right, we're want to be these, you know, strong prideful individuals that aren't weak to admit that something has power over us, that we are we can't control our lives, you know what I mean. So it's it's it's I make up that it's a very difficult concept. At least it was for me because I just feel I've always been in control in so many areas of my life and mentally and physically strong and tough that to have something just take out my knees, you know what I mean, and just completely shatter my life. It's hard to admit that we're that weak in that moment, and there's so much shame involved with it. You just want to be in denial, like I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem. I can fix this. I mean not to make this a sex addiction episode, but I think it's for people that are listening. What if so like for her husband, for example, what would be the first step essentially? I know you said to say admit that you are, but to to like go because because maybe can someone just cheat and not be a sex addicts. People can still just make mistakes, you know what I mean. It's it's all about the pattern. It's all about the which I guess before he said that the pattern, so he just cheated one time. He be like, well, it's because I'm a sex sex addiction, which then is the excuse. But it's not the excuse. That's just you up and you were or excuse me, you were bad and you you know, and you did it. But that's you're just not unhealthy. You're not healthy, but doesn't mean you're a sex addict. No, not at all. Like the early on when I was going through all this, I remember my therapist and l A asked me. He was like all right, because I was having a hard time still like wrapping my head around every certain you know. I still had days where I was like I don't I don't know if I want to accept this, you know what I mean. And he was like, okay, let me put to you this way. Do you want to go grab a beer right now? I hate beer? Oh he did see. I'm a great actor. You believe me. You got to be the general So your therapist at that to you, Yeah, he's like, do you want to go have a drink? I'm like, no, dude, Like it's like one in the afternoon, Like I'm good. And he's like, all right, well, what if I told you do you want to go in a room by yourself and watch porn? And I was like it took me, uh because I wanted to think about it. This is true question. I was like, you know, I mean like not seriously, but in my head, I'm like can I Not that I wanted to, but still it's that's where my urge wanted to go. But all for me a drink, I'm like, no, why what I want to drink right now? So it's that it's that you know, that draw, that powerlessness over something that, like, to me alcohol, even though I'm in a twelve step program, I know how to say no to alcohol. I know how to say no to drugs now, I know how to say no to to my vices that I had before. And it really kind of was one of those moments that even you know, within the first year of me being in this program, that I was like, holy, like yeah, you know, so I think her husband needs to needs to start looking into some of that doing some introspective work. Yeah, it's uh, that's one of the best ways you've ever put it before. Yeah, where I'm like that that makes a lot of sense. And because it's been hard to explain it to some people who think it's just an excuse for the married's be an excuse her. But that makes a lot of sense because I think someone who just cheated would be like, no, I don't like, I don't care whatever, It's just the opportunity was in front of me. But it's not someone that's like, yeah, you know, so wow, that was Thank you for sharing that and being vulnerable and open to share that. Of course, do you have any other emails? The only d ms that I have are all like and I don't want to have to drag you through that, so we can. You can drag me through some of it. It's okay, Um, you want to take a break first and then we'll come back with someone. Let's do it and then make sure to email us um at wind Down at heart radio dot com or go on the wind Down podcast, Instagram and d m s questions there. You've been flooding the emails and Instagram lately, so we wanted to do an episode just so based on some of these um questions, I hope you guys enjoy it. We'll be back with some more. All right, here's a different email that we haven't really gotten much of. This is from Michelle. She's a thirty year old female looking for something long term and recently met a forty three year old divorced man with two kids. They've been dating. She's thirty three, divorced with two kids. They've been dating for a little over three months and seeing each other around once a week on average. When they first met, she asked him what he was looking for. This is what he typed, word for word to her. Everything starts casual for me. I mean I have two kids I need to consider and do not want them meeting just anyone. Having said that, if I like someone and they want a relationship, I'm not going to break it off because I don't want one. She's asked him if she's if he's ever wanted to get married again. He said probably not. It takes someone really special. She doesn't know if she can have kids because of endometrius endometrius. Uh. Fast forward to yesterday, when she wrote this, He invited me over for a pool party with his family kids are not there, and I met his mom's siblings, their kids, and close friends. My question is when do you think it's appropriate to have the relationship slash exclusivity conversation and when do you think it's appropriate to meet someone's kids, which I think, again little over three months now. The kid thing is solely based on whatever the mom and dad have discussed for sure, So if it's six months a year, I know, like I think my brother and his ex wife did six months. Yeah, I don't think she's close to no, I think three, But yeah, I think she's In my opinion, you know mine too, I wouldn't want if if we were to get divorced, which we're not, but if we were, um, I would I would at least put six months on it, because you just don't want your kids being around so many different people, I would think. But I mean again, everyone has a different method to it. But I would at least wait a good, healthy about just because it's for the kids. But I also get if I was in her shoes, I would be like, when can I meet them? And then I also because out how I know I am, And he's like when he says that, like I'm waiting for someone special, and I'm like, it's me, it's me, it's me. I'm gonna do everything I can to be that special one and like fight really hard for it. Whether I did, I don't even know if I wanted it anyways, But that's how my personality be. Like with those little things he throws out there, like well, if I meet the right one, and it's like, oh, hi, like choose me, pick me, because this is a competition, like I'm gonna win, right. Well, that's where kind of with the stuff that he's saying, I don't feel very optimistic for this relationship because he's saying, no, I'm just being honest. I'm just saying as a guy, if he's just saying, yeah, if I meet someone special, well, you've been quote unquote seeing her for a little over three months. He would know if you're someone special. Do you think a guy knows by three months, you know something's there. It's not like all of a sudden a month for the woman's going to do something. He's like, oh, she's special. It's a gradual thing. Right, So after three months have seen each other. I'm granted she only said that it's on average like once a week, so it's not that often. I just don't think he's taking it very serious. Do you blame him? No, No, I don't. That's the thing. I don't fault him. Yeah, I'm just I'm just thinking about it because you're right, Like any guy that would say that, it would make me question, like, oh, okay, I guess I'm not the special one, right and I make up in the woman's shoes, would be like, wait, I haven't met him yet. That you probably want to rush to meet him because you want to. You know, anyone with kids, they only introduced them to someone special, most likely in a healthy relationship. So it's like if you haven't met the kids. Shoot, even as a guy, say hypothetically, if we got divorced, We're not going to get divorced, but if we did, right, and I was seeing someone or dating someone and they had kids, and if I hadn't seen them like after a certain amount of time, right, damn, you don't see this going anywhere, because I would want to be I'm like you, I never called me, I'll talk to her. I would be the one to want to feel special enough to see the kids, right. Yeah, it's just man, I think back on one of our friends who's let his daughter see lots of different girls around, and it's I can see how that might have hurt her in her childhood. But it's just tricky. It's so trick. I don't know, because in my mind, I'm I would just be like here, like hi, because I want someone to I want to see how they fit into my life. I would want to see that. And I have a hard time going slow. So you would introduced the kids to okay quick. I could see myself doing that. Iver get that written down in the papers. I could see that just because I you know how fast I move, Like I'm gonna I love you within ten days or we're done. That's very true. Whatever we did a podcast, like if we actually got divorced and we podcasted through the whole thing, I mean we it would be the biggest train wreck ever and people would love it. Maybe, I don't know, do it for the brand. I'm just kidding. Do you have any more emails? Yeah? We have a few more um from Anonymous. I've been with my man for seven years. He's twenty nine and I we lived together and have plans to get married. We have had our ups and downs, But the number one issue is how to handle. Is how to handle when he gets mad at me for not losing weight fast enough. It's hard because it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. He's the peloton guy he has. He has threatened to leave me because of my weight and for looking through his phone. He did say he regretted, saying that after I'm not of her weight, but I am emotionally, but I have emotionally put on weight from this. He loves me, but his temper gets the best of him. Am I a fool for staining? Or should we try to make this work? I feel like those questions are both about staying. We're the last two. He loves me, but his temper gets the best of him. And then am I a fool? My fool for staining? Or should we try to make this work? Am I fool for staying? And I am? I say, yes, you're a fool, or you should try to make this work? Okay, see my mind, I'm like, she's still just sees staying well. I think she Oh, of course, I think she does. And when she said, you know, he had to come about the weight, and he said he regretted it after that's awful, because that's and I just want you to hear this well sorts her name Anonymous, Anonymous. His comment to you about your weight has nothing to do about you and your weight. It has everything to do with him and whatever he is going through. He is trying to hurt you, and he will find the one thing that knows will hurt you, and that's what he's doing. It has nothing to do about your weight. I really want you to hear that. And we're not just saying that because let me open up my mind to you, Anonymous. It's when Janna and I get into an argument, and as a guy, right I can't. I'm still trying to emotionally mature myself on how to handle conflict. I've had a lot of moments, especially in the past, where when I would get angry about something, I would get mean and I would say the things that I know would hurt Jane the most because I would feel hurt or shame or guilt for whatever she had said, or for my past actions, or for whatever it is. So I would want to hurt back. And even if she didn't say anything to provoke that or started any conflict, and she was just saying something that triggered me, I would still be mean and try to cut her down because maybe it was before all this discovery of what I was doing, and I had all that shame and guilt of acting out and having affairs. So I was angry. I was mean, I was resentful towards her for reasons that she had no idea why. So my fear is that there's definitely something going on with this guy. I don't know what it is. I'm not saying it's infidelity. I'm not saying it's one thing or the other. I'm just saying, like Jane's said, he definitely has something internal going on with him because he is taking that ship out on you to try to make himself feel better, to cut you down to his level. So, as Janna said, I will mirror that his comments about your weight has zero to do with you, no matter if you were fifty pounds or two pounds, has zero to do with you. I'm asking this because if it was, because obviously he's saying it all in the wrong ways. Hypothetically, if I gained fifty pounds because I, you know, stopped working out and I started to get really stressed about fears and anxieties and triggers, and I turned to emotionally eating um and I gained fifty pounds. Are you saying that you wouldn't say anything to me about my weight? No, what would you say? I would address it in a way. Obviously I have to be really sensitive around it, but be like, honey, I've noticed that you know you're eating habits have changed and you aren't exercising like you used to, because I know you used to love to run, run and walk and work out like every other day. Are No. I just want you to be healthy and just know that whatever it is that you're dealing with, I'm here for you. Do you want Is there anything you want to talk about? So it wouldn't even be about for me. It wouldn't be about the weight. It wouldn't be about Okay, let I'll start working out with you or anything like that. It would be about figuring out why you're eating, why your weight is fluctuating. Then you can, once you get to the root of it, what going on, then you can be like, hey, I'll work out with you. Hey like to get it off. And there's where I was going to say, And that's the difference but I'm gonna caveat it put Is that the right word? But it right? Okay, which brings me to my point. I am insecure about sometimes how I talk and I say the wrong things, like is caveat? And because I'm just relating to the situation, she's saying, like he's mean, and let's throws out the mean Let's say we had that conversation about my weight and I'm over fifty pounds or a hundred whatever. But because it can be in y'all's blood sometimes to be mean about things that you know would hurt us if we got into a conversation, just like with me being insecure about my words sometimes and we got into a really big fight and you said I can't even put my words together like a toddler or whatever he said, And but you knew that was gonna hurt me. So in that moment, could you also see doing that too about the way like and call me porky or something or or you know what I mean? What difference is that to know that it's still the same, it's still hurting someone because of an insecurity they have. I see what you're saying, and it's a very good question. I think it's different if it's something that's always been an issue, Like what if it's something new, I would know something's going on, Like if you started gaining all this weight, I would know there's something going on. But either way, what if it what if I've always just had a little extra maybe like she's not she said she's like enough fat, but I've you know, I'm curvier, and that is my insecurity. I'm just curious what the what the difference is when being mean, and maybe that's something that when someone is mean, they can be like no matter if it's about weight or how they talk, or how they look or what they dress or how they sound, that either way it's going to hurt. Yeah, no matter where. I think your question is fantastic, honey, thanks, Like I feel like I never get This is kind of an inside joke between Mike and I whenever we podcast and the guests always say good question to Mike, and I'm like, damn it, Like I'm just because I'm just not the great question ask her ince andtimes I don't know how to connect words and like, no, wonder why jolly is a speech impediment. But I'm just saying, like, you know, and you have thrown met in mean ways at times, and I'm like, that's you know, so I just I just started thinking about that when we were talking about I'm like, what makes what's the difference it's hurt to hurt. I think where there isn't a difference is the fact that it ultimately comes from the person that's saying the mean thing, whether it the male or the theme only whoever or the part whatever partners saying the mean thing, it has nothing to do with the other person. It only has something to do with the person that said it. Sure, that's that's the common denominator. So no matter what the topic is, he's obviously got something going on internal that he's trying to Either he feels bad about how he looks, or there's something going on, or maybe he's got some depression. I don't know, there's something going on with him emotionally that he needs to figure out. To lead to the temper question that she asked, like what does one do? Because I'll say, for me, like I have in this relationship been super rightful and like never fought back one day in my life, but in this relationship, like I fight back and something where that like I had to do a lot of work with not fighting back and learning to like go in the closet and shut the door and like breathe. But for a man, like what does a man do with one's temper? Like it's and what can the wife do with one man's temper? It's It's taken me, I mean, you know, it's taking me a significant amount of time to finally more consistently walk away. And even so, there's been things that have come up that I'll maybe want to make a snarky remark about or or something, and just I'll be frustrated and I'll want to pick a fight, and I'll just like I just won't and I'll just walk away. I won't say anything. And then like five ten minutes later, I'm like, I can't believe I was about to start some shot over that. Really, Yeah, like what anything recently? Probably? Yeah, I tell you, But that's the thing. It doesn't even matter, because it's something stupid that just I received away, or that I just wanted to bring up, just to bring up because of a feeling I was feeling in a moment, And then ten minutes later, I'm just like that was so dumb, so then would your would your advice then to be before you go down the rabbit hole, walk away for five because because the thing is at least for me right even if I was starting to feel a feeling, because the healthy thing would also be, Hey, I'm feeling this, you know, can you can you elaborate? You know? Is there any truth to my feeling? Is there any validity to why I'm feeling this way based on what you said or did. My thing is that I have a hard time doing that from a great place too soon. And so I'll set expectations and then if you if what you respond, if how you respond doesn't meet my expectations, I'll blow up even more So I I personally need to definitely walk away and let it dissipate. Um. And then, I mean, I can't speak for the wives you gotta. I mean, what I've learned though, is that when I don't go into your anger and your mood of I'm a great I'm a great place to talk and I'm like, no, you're not, which almost because i know I'm like this is you're not in a good place, and I'm like, I'm going to leave, but I know, I'm like, I know her teacher voice. Okay, Michael, I'm like, yeah, I'm in a great place to talk. Let's talk about it. And I'm like, Michael, you're not in a good place right now. I'm going to do with the therapist to do. But then you always have to come back with your tail between your legs because you're like a crap. Think about it. For the guys out there or relationships that have this issue. I heard this one of my meetings one time, and it's always stuck with me. And the guy was like, you know, I'm just tired of always saying I'm sorry, and I've and when he shared it, he just you just feel the weight just like cut in the room just drip off of him because he's just like exhausted from saying sorry so much. And I try to remind myself of that. I'm like, don't do anything that will cause me to have to say I'm sorry, because I'm just tired of saying I'm sorry. I'm so tired of it. But yeah, so all in all, Anonymous, I do think you're full for staining a fool. First, she said, she said, am I full for stain so sorry? More politely, I don't I think you should. I think you should reconsider staying in this relationship. I think I'm like, I think that he is not using his words right. Having said that, if we were to put our love story on paper and write down some of the things that you said to me and not include any of the good, what do you think that person would say to me? So I'm just saying, I'm just saying she didn't write the good and that you can be mean, I can be mean, we can have really crappy fights. What he said is absolutely not I'm not at all condoning any of that. It's wrong and it's about him. But until he chooses, she can say I can't be initialation, And basically it's what I almost said to you. I'm like, I can't keep doing this if you're going to be this mean, because that's not okay, and like you're doing the work on it. So if she can say that to him and then live and then stand by that and he's still being mean, well then yeah, you're a fool for saying I love it. Anyways, thanks to everyone who shared their stories, got vulnerable with us, trusted us to share their stories and give you any insight, take it or leave it again. We always say we're not experts and we just have been through hell and back like we say in our book too, But um, we love you guys, and I'm so excited because we have a really, really awesome guest next week, so um mine down later, see you next week