Ep. 11 What's the Sex?

Published Jul 23, 2018, 10:00 AM

Jana and Mike have a huge announcement to make: the gender of their new baby!   Then, sex therapist Leslie Gustafson calls in with some crucial advice on what to do if your partner has a different love language than you.    And Jana shares some tips on how to manage anxiety, and we hear her honest thoughts on “mom guilt”

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Wine Down with Janet Kramer and I Heart Radio podcast wine Down Day. I love your dress. Thank you so much. You look appreciate it. I popped absolutely stunning, and you popped. I saw that in Instagram and I was going to text you and be like you pop I did. I definitely popped. But I still feel like I have to wear like tighter stuff because it's still like but I definitely feel like I have a belly now where it's like hard, I can't suck in anymore. So it's exciting. But you're you're very lean everywhere else, so you're totally give me another couple of weeks and no, but I'm like, I'm super excited. Um yeah, it's just it's nice to finally like feel and like like I feel pregnant, but now I'm like starting to look pregnant. It's not just like my um boobs And are you starting to feel better? Um? So, oh my gosh. Michael and I went on a date night, uh last week, we want to cut to you just something, and then we went to see a movie. We went to see Cicario, which I didn't love, but which is a bummer because I loved the first one. But um, we went, yeah, so we went to cut to you. I've had sushi before, not just the cook stuff. I didn't. I'm not doing the raw productor recommendation. And um, even though my be my friend Bath would be like, eat it up, girl, but I just I was just following the rules. I'm just so scared. I'm just following every single I did have a Jimmy John sandwich, but that's different anyways. So, um, but we were eating and I had like I had my big crept hand roll. I was having a California role that Alice I like to Michael, and I was like, oh no, babe, I don't I don't feel good. Oh no, I threw up everywhere and like a little bit comes out and I like, I literally grabbed my bar bar bag from my purse. Run outside. You have a bar pag, so I carry a plastic bark bag, socks, socks and sorry, I don't be to laugh. Yeah whatever, I'm sorry. Poor mineral water on your face right now. Now. I'm sorry. I know it's so sad, but yeah, and and it was gross because it was the a green like actual bar bag that I got from the hospital of the last time I was there because I was super hydrated. So I I mean, I saw my entire California role and I was like, I'm never having sushi again, even after this baby gusting. I was just like, so I then I started crying, and I was like, We're trying to have a date night and I'm disgusting and I'm ugly as I have like puke in my hair and he's like, he's like, no, baby, you're beautiful. He's like picking it out of my hair like the rice sweet. But it was. But besides it, I feel good. It's just sometimes if I eat too fast, I still can't drink water like I still can only have bubbly water, bubbly water. I can only drink like bubbly sparkling like Licroix or I'm drinking like Tobo Chico right now. So it's like, if I have something that sits in my stomach, I had to take us to make sure. I like. So it's frustrating, but I mean, I'm obviously very grateful and pregnant. It's just I wish I wasn't still pinking because I shouldn't be. No, but this, uh, this baby is giving me some s some some tough times, but um, it'll all be worth it. Do you want to know the gender? And dying to know? I have? I sort of am able to gas. Just really some of the things you've been talking. What do you think it is? Well, I'm not I'm I'm not going to gasp because we know, because what if I'm wrong? Who cares? No? I just know. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. When I was pregnant with Rocco, I was so sick. Really, but they say you're sick with a girl. I think it's the opposite. I also only craved super super hot spicy food and lemonade grow lemons. Wanted lemonade with joy. Really Yeah interesting? Okay, so I just don't know. I don't know. Well, I thought maybe we could dial up Mike. UM, let's see if he's around. I know he's at work, but hopefully he'll pick up. Are you guys going to do a gender reveal? Yeah? It's on my Instagram right now. You can see it. It's really cute. Yeah, okay, it's really quick though. I want to talk to you about Peevo. Um. Stephen pastor Reno is the founder of People. He has completely immersed himself in the world of fitness for over fifteen years, and he believes in helping people transform their bodies through sustainable methods that create incredible tone and definition without straining, damaging, or bulking muscles, which I think is fantastic. So basically what I love is that UM it's a streaming service. The people of streaming service offers a large library of videos, including UM structured workout plans and new videos that are updated weekly. So users can stream to sculp which is great. Hone and define anytime, anywhere from any device. So I know, I saw that you have a cycling thing us, so I think, so this is really cool. So you can make the commitment, sign up and choose your workout delivery method, which is awesome, and you can do this from your office, and you can get the thighs, booty and abbs you want, which is amazing. UM the Peo ball gives you an even better lift for your glutes and sculpt your inner and outer thighs. So I know that you just got that light BO. So did I got light BO and I've been hitting it hard and I'm going to add this, Yeah, definitely added. Because the program includes a thirty day challenge. So sixth day total body and three day body burn. Yeah, we can totally do it together. We should get thirty days free streaming. Go to pevalve dot com slash cramer. That's Pevolve p v O l v E dot com slash cramer for thirty days streaming for free, pal dot com slash Cramer. I know what I'm doing tonight, Michael h Hello, Hi, babe, Hey, Honey, Hi honey. Hi. No no, that's why. No, no, no, no, no no. I wanted to call you because I wanted to do it together since I asked you to be in studio and he's like, I have to work. Hi, Catherine's here too, My girlfriend Catherine from Nashville. Say, Hi, Catherine, you talked in coming the babe, Yeah I did. She hates me, but it's fine. Yeah, we have a we have a sex therapist on someone to make sure that you know. Catherine's here for this one because she loves me. Um, but babe, um, are you ready to tell everybody what the gender of our baby is? Um? What did you wait? Wait? Wait out Eastern hold up, hold up, hold up? What did you think it was? Yeah? I thought it would go for sure, yeah, and you hands on a girl. I was sick. I was craving fruit. Um, I like I felt, you know, just I felt gross, which is how I felt with Joey. So I was like, I'm definitely having a girl, and I secretly like I I also wanted a girl too. I wanted to, like, you know, to have a sister for jolly. Did that come true? Okay? Now you can please? Is it a girl? Is it a boy? One? Two? Very? It's a little boys? Are how did they be? It's a boy? Do we have a name picked out? We do, but we're not sharing the name until that's a good idea. Yeah, but I have some funny stories about sharing the name too early. Well, we started to do like we picked out like two names right, Bam. It was too wasn't it? Well? He was coming up with boy names are so hard, they super hard, are so difficult. But like Rocco, that's such a cute name. But I named Rocco after St. Rocco, the patron saint of healing, and I just heard the other day the patron saint of Bachelor's which did that, Michael. But I went through so many names because nothing was resonating with me. Yeah, we had we had it like when we like how we said before we like we had our names picked out. We it was, you know, Jolie, and then if it was if it was a girl, we were going to name her Charlie of love Love, Love Love, um. But we always had our boy name be Carter. But then like, what was it? The car wasn't a Carter. Oh. It started as Grayson, and then my girlfriend had a baby named Gray and so and then another Grayson. So I was like, okay, that one's gone, and then we changed it to Carter. But then I feel like there's so many Carters now someone and I just like, I love how Jolie's name, like it's it's a little different. It's not really like that popular. And so we came up with a few I hated. I hated Jet. Sorry, not that I don't like if someone has Jets just for me personally, that's yeah, for me personally, that's not the name. But Michael really liked Jet, didn't you, Ben? Yeh. I mean we're playing with a lot of different name and I liked a lot of stuff. We weren't sure for a long time. It's just feel it so hard, like a little girl just easy, and then a boy. I feel like there's there's just more men out that ruined names for guys and they like I was like, can't because he was a total you know, juice bag in high school. No, can't name can't name that baby. Remember when we came up with Jeter John, We're like, I was like, what Jeter And like, Michael's name is John, so we you know, we kind of wanted to incorporate John and I was like Jeter hes like, yeah, I like Jeeterlt. I'm like Jeter John, like and then we're like, Jeter John, Jador John, get down. Jeter John came out super redneck when we started out, well yeah, and then yeah, we sent it to Katherine. I was like, hey, Katherine, what do you think about Jeter John? What the hell are you saying? Jador John? His name is Jeter John. Yeah. Yeah, but no, we came up with that name, so that was crossed off. What else did we come up with? It's so hard. We came up for a long time. I thought I always wanted like Michael John j next that right the butt. Yeah, a little bit of times when we can come up with one, No, you said What was the other name that you loved about that boy when you were growing up? What was his name? Oh? Klo. He wanted Klo And to me, that sounds like a kilo of like like ke Lloyd Keto, Like I'm like kato o j Klo. I was like, I'd rather have Michael John. And that's when I gave him, like the Michael John one. But we came up with something that has a meaning that is very and this baby has been very for both of us. Yeah, so we I'm really excited to share the name because it is really special for both of us. And we told his um. Yeah I haven't even told you. We told his um, his you know, dad and grandpa, and so there's there's meaning with those with them too. So it's it's just it just feels like great, I love it, you know. And I was, honestly, I'll say this, So we had we did like a pinata thing. It's on the Instagram right now. But um and I again, I for sure thought it was a girl. He thought it was a girl. And he's secretly like, I never had a sister, so I always wanted to kind of know what that was like having having a sister. Um, obviously, I'm so happy like if it's it was it was a boy or a girl. But again, like I always wanted a sister, so I wanted that for Jolie and knowing that this is like the last baby out of my body, like I was just But then at the same time, like now I'm so pumped to have a boy. Like I'm everybody's telling me, like those boys love their mom. Was just going to say, Rocco, all he wants to do is cuddle. He just is a little lover. He boys loved their mama. Now, but I'm all, but I'm like, I'm scared to have a boy because I know Mike is really scared. Well, you guys are just going to have to grow through it. Yeah right, Yeah, it's just you know, we we have the little girl thinks figured out. You know, we both had are very genuinely real shocking emotions when we found out it was a boy. Yeah, I cried and I was just I was in completely shocked. I didn't know. I couldn't put words to it. Um, but yeah, no, We've both come around a lot on it and are saying clothes but anyone that knows Jana she like loves buying clothes for other people and even men like me and like to get hooked up for them. Like she's going to spend so many more someone some money on clothes for our son. That is. I know, I came in the day and look what I got for a baby boy, and like he's like, he's like, drop cross this. I was like, it's I just can't wait. And I think like for Mike is like he's just like he has to walk a very fine line with like, you know, obviously we you know, we're both raised great, we have great families, but it's also you know, ways that we want to change, Like he wants to, you know, do different things as a father, and you know, it's just it's it's hard, like making sure that you don't do how do I say that? Then, well it's what it is. It's really more of this a bigger picture of society and a sense of the whole old school, you know, way of life as a male of hiding near emotions, don't cry, don't show vulnerability, be tough, be that. It's shifted a lot in today's culture where you know, it's okay to be that, but at the same time, you still got to be tough, and and no one to show things, and no one would keep it too close to your chest. And so it's just gonna be difficult, I think for any father, for any parents, let alone like raising any child. But I just feel like there's some special about a father raising a son in today's world and dealing with those obstacles of trying to really create a well balanced um environment for your child. Right. And it's like you know again like kind of looking back in your childhood and stuff. It's like how our parents raised us has affected us in our adult life. You know, not saying they're they're bad, you know what I mean, but they're you know, I'm sure we're going to mess our kids up in some way, but we look back and be like, man, like, you know, my dad was really he didn't give me that, you know, I was good enough, so now I and then I strived for good enough and other men or like in with you know, your father, you have your issues too where it's like you know, you you want to like kind of change the pattern a little bit. Yeah, it's I mean, but every single person wants to do that, right because like even our parents when they became parents, they wanted to do things different than what their parents did. And so you know, like we said before on on your podcast, is like, you know, we know, like our parents did the best that they can, We're doing the best that we can and that's all you can ask for. And so all you can do is learn from your life experiences like everything else. And so when we becomething Molling, you become parents, you're gonna learn from your life experience of having parents and what they did with you. And obviously you're gonna have things you might want to change her do differently. What is your biggest fear about having a boy? Though? Um? Oh, man, I'll tell you mine for you go ahead. So he was at my gym and there was it's kind of like con there was a little girl like if a little okay, So there was a there was a the boy around the same age as Jolie. He was crying, and Michael's first reaction was like stop crying, shut up. But if it was Jolie, he'd be like, come here, what's wrong? You know what I mean? And that he came home and he's like, man, he's like I noticed that. That was just like shut up. Kid, you know, but if it was a girl. But so it's like it's again being tender with a boy and still acknowledging like, you know, why are you crying? What hurt your feelings? It's okay to feel that way, but also being like you know, but you don't want to raise it soft to either, So right exactly that And that's my biggest fear is just kind of like what I said when you just touched on it, creating a balanced environment where you know, actually beings vulnerable is a a major way of expressing toughness. Now you know in my mind that is that is actually showing you know, your cards and showing your emotions. But there's a comment place to do that. And you know, again, you your natural reaction of how you were raised in some situation is going to come up. And Janna knows that, and I know that, and I know that Danna is gonna do everything she can keep me in check because I'm going to have times where my patience is short, I get short tempered, and I just want to kind of react and you know, and just kind of come out give it to him a little bit. And those times will happen, and sometimes he's gonna need that. I'm not saying that's never gonna happen because I think kids need that, you know, um, you know to be okay, cut cut the ship, you know, like that's right. So um, but no, that's I think we have the same fear going into that each other on me about reason the boy. I don't know what to do with this little pee weee well, get ready to get on. I would wear sunglasses when you're changing him because you take that diaper off and if you're not careful, you just get covered. But it's so over or they have but it's like, how do you clean like a pennis Like I'm like, easier than a vagina. Really, I feel like it's so easy, which I like, I know, it's like I know my parts, I know her parts since like with a boy, it's like I avoided little peepie's and now I gotta have you know, now you have to watch one and Jen and Katherine, you guys can't test with this. I gave jan head just because you know, I remember where my brother was a baby in changing him and him having a little baby erection. Yeah, that is disgusting. I don't know. No, Yes, Harry, Well, he's watching baby born, like but stop like a baby. If just happened, I'm sorry, I will scream just like when, because that's why I never wanted a boy dog. And the first time I saw waffles little lips that come out, I get the f away from me so disgusting. Oh yeah, yeah yeah, so that's probably my biggest thing. And then also I'm going to feel really really really bad for his girlfriend, like and then his wife, like I'm gonna feel ver back. I'm gonna be yeah, I know, and like, don't say that, you know, I will because like I always Catherine, because I always like, I love you, Pam. I just don't want to say that. Like first and foremost, like I know his mother in law, My mother in law listens to this. Michael's mom. She's amazing, she's so great. But in the very beginning, you know, she was like, this is a tradition, like you know, you know, everyone comes home for Christmas. And I was like no, like and then I wanted like Michael to like stick up for me, to be like and I don't want to and so like, and he didn't say anything, and I was like, dude, like what and he's like, like my mom. I was like, you're not married to your mom, like you're married to me, you know. But now if I'm like Pam, that's the thing, I'm gonna be like, the hell you. I was like divorce her, Like I would be like I'm gonna be so I mean, I'm gonna be like pay him on steroids, Like I'll be like no, absolutely not. There is no like if ants or butts about it, like and like kind of like, ah, I shut her down a little bit, like I'm going to like annihilate this woman that comes in and tries to steal my Christmas with my child and my little son. Yeah, I mean obviously I do now, but it's hard for them. It's hard for the boys to also had that transition from their mama because he's like, you know, it's like, hey, like we now have our family and but and so I have to then remember that too, like being from But at the same time, I'm like, this is my little boy, like you are mine, right, it will be and I you know, I will probably be very similar Rocco bringing girlfriends home. But I have some serious ex monster and lost stories that will make you laugh out loud. We should actually we should do that monster because everybody has them. Yeah, I mean, luckily, I'm so fortunate, like you know, Pam is fantastic, and I'm so fortunate that she's my mother in law, you know. But I mean again, like but in the beginning, it's always difficult, and I'm sorry, it's always the guy's mom. It is because the guys don't, like they're afraid to say something to their mom, which I now like can like appreciate understand now having a boy and not knowing like where my heart pollsterings for. But it's at the same time it's also I know and I love that, but at the same time, i'm your wife, you know, like so, but now I kind of understand both sides of it. But it's always like a dude, it's like you're you're not sleeping with your mom, You're sleeping with me. So that's bottom. Yeah, And then like any of the girls who brings home that looked like hose like go bye bye, like with the p trap like money, Yeah, I'm not gonna happen. But I'm really excited to raise a boy with you, honey, and I love you, and I'm just very happy that we're in a good place, and that we're bringing another um baby into this world, and that it's a boy, and we're going to have the best of both worlds now we are. It's gonna be a lot a lot of fun and a whole new series of learning. Um And you get to teach him how to be how to respect women. And I think that's going to be awesome because because you're in such a good place and because you can now um yeah, because you can now show him the way to respect and treat a woman. Yeah, there's no question that that there's gonna be the biggest time that I'm going to have to watch my temper and how I reacted because that has been such an obviously a thing for me in my growth as a as a human being, as a person, as a man, that if he starts to act in ways that are negative that I learned through the hardest way possible what not to do and how to treat people, that I might just go off and and beat that as you know, lying or treating women bad or something like that. Yeah, I don't know how, my patient, you might let me go. Yeah, all right, baby, we'll get back to work. I love your face and I'll see you at home already. I'm like, okay, because I don't have my period right now, I'm going to um, let Jen take this. She is a Lola expert, I am, and you know what, Look, oh my god, she has them in a pressure right now. Can I see one. Here's a super, here's a regular. Oh my gosh. Are great for different sizes, for different days throughout the week when you're on your period, because you know, when you first start, the flow is heavy and then it lightens off. Yeah, and you don't want to you don't need like five million heavies when you like. So what I love about is you can customize whatever size right Yeah, absolutely the box you can customize it. You can do half and half. I think they even have a smaller, um like a super small. They have penny liners. They come once a month. They show up exactly at the right time, and they actually remind you like, oh shoot, I'm going to start my period because there's the Lola box. That's fantastic. I think that's so great. And it's also it's good for you to their b p A free plastic applicators, so they're um, they're they're good for your body, so you know, we worry. They're natural um, which I love. There's no mystery fibers or doubts about what's going in your body. So I feel like we care about what we're eating, so we should also care about what we're actually inserting into our body. Absolutely. The offer pads liners um, and you can choose a number of boxes you want as well. I get to a month so that I just I kind of have a stockpile and I put the extras in my travel bag. I have them everywhere. I love that. Well. For forty percent off all subscriptions, visit my lola dot com and entered Janna. When you subscribe, that's my Lola dot com and entered Janna. Forty percent off all subscriptions my Loola dot com and enter Janna. All right, I'm really excited about this because we have a sex therapist that's going to be on Her name is Leslie Gustafsson. I am so excited. She's also a marriage and family therapist as well, so we can ask her everything. I like that I do too. That's really especially like family, you know, Like I mean, I've been to like therapists obviously, but like I wonder if she deals with the whole family. The whole family comes in and sits down and talks to I want to hear all about Yeah, I know, I love that. I'm excited. But she's like the real deal apparently, I mean she's been. She has a book too, called um Or. Her passion is to help as many individuals and couples as possible to create amazing love, amazing sex, and amazing lives. So she um she developed the Amazing Intimacy Box Company. I want to hear more about this is this is like, oh my god, it's it's like all the boxes. That's like the box subscriptions. Yeah, where created fun, loving, pleasurable experiences to get delivered to your doorstep with inspirational coaching. Provided. That's really cool. I like that. Awesome. I wonder what comes in those boxes? To ask her, I want to I want an aster to that right now. And I might want to get in on this. I might want a monthly membership. But you're single, Well, that's right, you have kind of like a man friend. I have a man front. Yeah. Is it getting better going? That's good? Yeah, Okay, we're just friends. But then why would you want to physically. Wait, you know why I just totally lied? Oh my god, I know I lied. I don't know why I did that. I think I don't know. Do you are you okay? Do you want him to be your boyfriend? No? I do, I totally I love him. He's so kind, he's incredible. I don't know. Why did I just say that? Why did you lie to me? I don't know. Maybe I didn't mean I didn't want to. Ready, I'm I am so ready, I you know. I think it's because this is the first time this is very public on this had cast, and I think that, well, we're not saying his name, right, but now we can say your boyfriend in said a man friend. Yeah, he is my boyfriend. He is. Yeah, and the divorce is final, not yet. That's fine. But I think that's another reason why I'm you know, cautious and cautiously cautious, right, yeah, But I mean, like you guys are good, though, super good? Yeah? What makes it different? Like why the communication is so incredible? Um rockmentical respect? Yes? He yes, and he likes him. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Jen has a boyfriend and I lied about it? You did? Oh you know what We're gonna talk about your lying ways right now because Leslie Stepson is on the phone. Hello, Hello, Hi, Hi, how are you really? Great? So lightly to be here. Um, thank you so much for being on this podcast. Um it is I'm Janna and we also have producer Jen here. Wonderful Hi Jen, Hi, Fan is so nice to meet. Nice to me. I've heard you're just like the guru of all things sex, love, marriage and family? Is this true? Just it's it's it's called experience, right, I mean, you're it's my life, it's my life, it's my passion. I've been privileged to do it for a very long time. So yes, I can I ask how you like? How do you like? How are you the guru at these things? Like? How how have you made this? I mean, did you and your husband have intimacy issues or is it just something that you've always that's just where you've um grown with your with your therapy or well. I started out years ago kind of practicing generally with depression and anxiety in women's issues and all of that. But I had a sled first marriage to a guy who had um what we don't call sexual addiction sexual addiction now, but it definitely was sexual addiction and he'd have an affair and we never recovered and from that UM. At the same time, I was working with couples and feeling like I can even treat the whole couple because we have no training in sexuality and graduate school, believe it or not, very little for all therapists, and even now, yes there's like one class on sexuality usually if that, and we're just not prepared to be able to treat a whole couple. And I'm like, I need to get better at this, and my heart is to be able to help everybody in the most important areas of their lives because it's so greatly affects me, affected me personally. But then I was just feeling, you know, not capable of helping and people need it. So are you tivingly going to see set? I am a certified sex therapist of been practicing UM sexuality sex therapy since two thousand four. Yeah, and I love it. Yeah, I love it. I've been my husband, my current husband, because I've been married twenty one years. We wrote the book Amazing Intimacy Create a Spectacular Marriage in and out of the bedroom. But we've seen men, women, in couples all day long. That's what we do. That's amazing. Well, so can I ask I know, I know usually therapists ask you questions. I mean, like the patients ask you questions. But I'm just curious because, um, you know, obviously I'm not sure if you know my background at all, but my husband he's had it. I've just gotten to know you in the last twenty four hours and I have to say, I'm so honored, and I just think you're fears and I think you've walked through so much that I'm just touched by your journey and you're only thirty four and I'm like, what, wow, So I appreciate. I mean, it's been tough. But I guess my question I'm curious is because you know, obviously my husband has had affair as your first husband had affairs and you didn't get through it. If you would have had the training that you had, now, do you think you would have been able to have made your first marriage work or it was possibly there isn't. I don't have a lot of regret because I think that marriage needed to end and he went off to get more well because it ended, and I went off and was able to um have really the marriage that I had long forward and probably not really chosen UM but should have. And then I, you know, I ended up with the gift of a marriage that I never imagined could be so amazing, with a partner who could be with me in the way that I needed. But my act, you know, we were very much in love, but there was just too much damage in a very short period of time, and he wasn't getting well and he wasn't recovering, so I was continuing to put myself back into the same situation. Yeah, I mean, I definitely hear that. Luckily my husband is, yes, he has, he had slips along the way, sure, and it's you know, it's almost broken us to the point of filing. But at the same time, like he's and he knows that's like, okay, if this continues to happen like that, like by like there's only so much that women can take with without literally just being like, I can't live my life if this is going to continue to happen. And that's when I think he had his AHA moment too, and he changed his life and so you know, luckily he's amazing now. But it's just having that fear I think is like as as a as a person on your couch right now, I guess what I'll say is and I um, I'll say this like it's it's hard for me to because I know that's always in the back of my mind, like things are amazing, things are great, like we're you know, we're expecting another child and uh, he's thank you, and you know, our family is great. But I'm I and I told this to our couple of therapists too, is I'm so scared of that, Like where's the next shoe that's going to drop? Yeah, And that's that's the response that's completely normal when you've gone through and I considered a trauma infidelity as a trauma, and it takes a while to get out of that crisis mentality. I think you're a couple of years in if I'm not mistaken, and recovering and working on it, and and you've got two willing partners here who are are are committed to doing the work and willing and that's so important and that's everything. But it takes a very long time to get out of that mindset that says, you know, what if it happens again or even being triggered when little things come up in the day to day, which I'm sure that still happens for the two of you. Uh. But what I like to say to couples, and I think it might be helpful to you to hear too, is that once we run into something like this that happens relationally, we have a kind of awareness when it's not you know, hyper vigilance that is so helpful because none of us are certain that we're going to be able to love each other all the days of our life well without hurt, and so to have a healthy awareness that, wow, we we actually have to stay at this, and we have to be involved with each other, and we have to keep working at it for marriage, any marriage to work is a kind of awareness that everybody needs to come into if they're going to make it last. And it's it's unfortunate or maybe not um that it came through the tragedy and trauma of infidelity, but I have seen so many people have that the amazing impact that turns the whole thing around depth and deepens the depthen deepens the relationship and allows us to do some of the work that we may be needed to do and hadn't done before, and it doesn't. It's what was needed, like a crisis, right for the growth to happen. Absolutely, What about for the couples that are just like that, that don't have infidelity that it's the marriage is is fine and there's nothing going wrong wrong, but like, but yet it's still there's not that like passion to passion. Yeah, the passion is not there, like what like And it's like, how do you how do you kind of jump start that? How do you how do you start to be like, Okay, I'm going to give him something that he needs, and but yet you're so stuck in your like normal right And if that's a great question, And of course it's kind of the bulk of the work I do all the time, because once you journey along as a couple, it does kind of settle into you know, we're doing our lives and we're doing responsibility kids and you're taking a kid, and we kind of we get be prioritized and those early high flying feelings that kind of drove the relationship initially where we're like, oh my god, we're the same and you're fabulous and oh my gosh are Anthony? And on into you, and there really is a heightened state for a good couple of years, so we can ride out on and then about the two years, maybe eighteen months to year, market starts to dip and we're like, oh, oh he's a real person. Oh she's got stuff too, right right, we kind of fall from that really heightened place, which is necessary because they can't just stay heightened overly on our feelings forever in a day, but it can be the time where you're like, we've got to figure out how to do this love thing, Like how do we do real relationship now and keep it alive and exciting and it doesn't just happen anymore. We have to make it happen. But we can't. We can't be prioritize ourselves and stop dating and do all the things that we once did and expect we're going to have the same glow mm hmm. But I and ignite something new, whether it's a new restaurant or a new area um in the city, because otherwise I feel like we are such creatures of habit. It's like, where do you want to go? You pick from the same five restaurants, You pick from the same you know, five coffee places and you're not experienced anything new, so it starts to feel just like groundhogs day. Yes, it's been boring because the exciting, and then it flists into what we want, which is secure and stable. But then it starts to feel like, well did I marry my brother? That's not what I find up for because both poles, if you will, are essential. That you have novelty and adventure and uncertainty, but you also have this stable, secure, intimate life. Both need to be happening. Because we didn't. We married for the excitement. We married for the partnership and the good feelings and the companionships. But then it settles into oh, it's feel so good to be you know, stable and secure now for very long? Leslie, do you think the idea of marriage is outdated? I'm talking about the legal aspect of marriage, like you go to the courthouse, get the marriage certificate, you have to get married within three days. I don't. I don't know that it's outdated. I don't think our needs for connection and belonging um and and guests of relationships, those are core to who we are as people. So commitment connection that will never be outdated. That people are it's people aren't meant to be monogamous. Uh, that's very current thinking because the idea is that you will settle into kind of stability and security and maybe we're really not made for monogamy, and so that we have to start looking for novelty elsewhere in order to get all of our needs bills. And it is true that one person can't do it all for us, and so part of the thinking is that, and so you know, do we find other ways to get needs met? Now I'm not a defender of that at all, but it is current thinking. And there is kind of a kind of a non is that where it's like, okay, so if one person you know, love language is more touch than that person is, like I hate touch, does that mean that that person basically has to like give them that every once in a while to meet halfway? Absolutely, because there's no way you're going to have a longstanding committed relationships of every of any kind of series and so willing willing to self sacrifice and surrender and not do what feels good for you all of the time. But what if it's like just not what you want to do. I mean, I'm not saying I'm just like speaking for some people that have like DM me to be like I, it's just it's too much energy out of my day and after the kids, and it's like I don't like, I don't want to. Here's the thing and why it will work because when someone says, you know, I don't want to do it, I say, I wonder if that person's needs are getting filled. Because one we're pouring into each other. You get this wonderful cycle going kind of organically where he's giving to me and I'm giving to him and we want to is because it feels good to give and we're in this positive place and he gives an I give. You know, it's a different thing than stay. And they're like going, I don't want to give because I'm not getting m hm right, because if we aren't getting, we'll stop wanting to give and we'll start getting resovable. Yeah. Well, and just like you don't want to, that could be a clue. And now how come I don't want to? What's not happening for me? That's that's enlivening me in such a way that I don't want to do. I have a resentment or I have a block. Do I feel like he's not a tuned to me, Well, what if that person is just like I mean, for my husband for example, like you know, intimacy is really really hard for him, so it's like meaning emotional connection. Yeah, and it's just like you know, even sometimes he's like, yeah, I want to hold your hand, but maybe I don't want to, so I just I almost have to tell myself hold her hand because I know that she's gonna like me holding your hand. But but then the same time, I'm like, well that hurts my feelings because why wouldn't you want to hold my hand? But like like that kind of like being intimate is like tough for him, So it's like but he knows that I like that. But then at the same time, like a, I don't want them to be doing something if you don't really like it or mean it. But he's like, I don't know if he's trying to train something this kind of touch your love language that doesn't for you as touch touches my number one? And then words and then what is his acts of service and affirmations? Okay, and do you find when you lean into those more that he's more open And that's that kind of give give and give. That just sort of allows you because it doesn't it doesn't dawn on him if it's not his love language, it's not you know. I don't know his background, you know, but maybe he wasn't touched a lot as a child. There wasn't a lot of affection. He learned to go like an independent guy, completely sex from other people. I don't know, that's not an uncommon m scenario for someone who has difficulty with touch. But when you speak to him and his love language, all of a sudden, he's often and then he's able to enter in or visert. Yeah. I mean, I really don't want to be empty the dishwasher, but I know what I'm like mappy For years. A funny story, For years, my husband was doing acts of service for me all of the time, and it was like, that's fine, but you're kind of annoying, right. It wasn't my thing, but it was his thing, and so we often do the thing that we want, right, So it wasn't till we finally figured it out. You know, this was years ago, and it's like, I'm a touch girl and he's like, oh, that's not necessarily his thing. But he has found when he has taken effort to touch me that he can find his need for touch then too, Yeah, I'm words and touch, But when it comes to coffee, it's like, I love you if you bring me coffee, that would be an active service. Right. And then my girlfriend Katherine's in the series, she hates me right now. But your what your love languages are are? What is it there? It's gifts and right are we talking to? You know? My my my girlfriend Katherine is in this studio with means and so her love language is like is I think it's gifts and acts? Isn't it as s? And her husbands is you know, touch and so they're so different, so it's like how do you meet in the middle when when when they're completely opposite. But you know what's so kind of cool about it is you're kind of covering the whole range now. So in a way, your love language is provisional for the other because if you've got some gifts going and access service going. You know. The funny The funny thing is for women they always say, what's the love language? Is that your love language the one I'm not getting right now? But when you start, when you have different ones, then you end up with like more ways to love each other. Right, because if you have a couple that has the exact same love language, they'd never leave the house where they have the same one. They're usually different. And so that's good because it as the novelty, right because you know, if we have this all figured out, we wouldn't stay interested, right. It's actually so my girlfriend has like incredible hair, and I just got my extensions taken out and I was like, what do you like? How many extensions do you have in your hair? And she's like no, no, She's like, I take sugar bear hair and stop. I was like, I've seen that on your ads, but I didn't know if it's like if it actually works or not, because you just never know. But yeah, she's like, they're fantastic. Little like there they look like gummy bears. So she gave me one. They taste fantastic. Um, they're actually the best seller on Amazon. We're just like much vitamin A as four cups of prockerty, as much vitamin C as one cup of cranberries, and as much vitamin B twelve as four organic eggs. Who. Yeah, it's um insane, I know, but it's also good for your nails and skin. Um, it helps the quality, but I just I don't know. I think it's I think it's great. Not only is there good vitamins in there, but if keeping your hair healthy, because I've noticed, like as I'm getting older, my hair is like thinning out a little bit. I used to have the thickest hair the planet, and I still have thick hair, but I've noticed also it becomes it starts to become dull, yeah, a little bit. And this is going to keep it nice and pretty. You know what I'm doing? Um, go to sugar Bear. Go to sugar bear hair dot com slash Janna for beautiful hair and a healthier you. That's sugar Bear Hair dot Com slash Jana, sugar Bear Hair dot Com slash Jana. So do you have some pretty cool emails? Do you want to get them from? So we shot that we wearing base. By the way, I'm o recently from California, but I know it's a Colorado seven years ago Range County goal. Okay, so you your your practice is in Colorado? All right? Well, if I'm ever in a dire needs situational, a situation like California, so, UM, I still online coat to California. Oh I love that. Yeah. Okay, so we have this one direct message from Taylor UM and we're using fake names because we didn't want to out any one with their questions. What would be the definition of a healthy sex life in a marriage? My husband wants to have sex every single day, but with two kids, a full time job, we average about once a week, sometimes twice. Is that enough to keep a marriage healthy? We've been together for fourteen years and married for nine. That's a great question. And do you know that's the number one reason couples comes to me is they have a difference and sexual desire. One is higher, one is lower, one once more than the other. And I have never met a couple that wants to have sex all the time at the same time, but we all do of trying to, like, she wants it more and I want it last, and it can't be a numbers game. A healthy sex is a couple that can come together and figure out their rhythm and have a way with each other that they have consistent, mutually wanted, mutually pleasurable speriences. Consistent mutually wanted, mutually pleasurable experiences that we consider a sexless marriage. Get this between ten to fifteen times per year or last a sexless marriage was, a sexless marriage is ten to fifteen or less. So if you're having sex ten to fifteen times a year, that's a sexless marriage. It's a little bit under the bar. It's a little bit of the strain for most couples. But again, people have to find what works for them. But consistent, it's consistency is key because what happens when sex drops off I've noticed is that people get one, they get more prickly with each other, they get more defensive, less less open, and then they start getting avoidance. And the longer you go, the more those things become heightened. Whereas if you're continuing to have that bonding super glue, which is mutual sex but really rich connecting um intimate experiences. And when I say mutually pleasurable, I'm not saying they even have to be mutually orgasmic. I'm saying people walk out of the room and oh yeah, I would do that again. No, I get it. I mean like this is like t M I. But like you know, I said to my husband, we have chickens every night, Um, do you know, uh, Fanos chickens. Yeah, so we do that. It's it's feelings, affirmations, um needs uh own and then kind of like are you know, whenever in the therapy, what he's doing for you know, his stuff and um. And one of my needs last night was, you know, lately like I haven't felt like he's been intimate with me, and you know, I'm starting to feel like a little bit of a strain um. And it's like because whenever he is an intimate with me, like I soften like immediately, and then I'm like I don't need like and then I'm like I'm good, you know what I mean, And I could be good for a week or two and then feels connected. Yeah, and even like and he is the thing too again a little tam I. But like even when I well me neither but um, like, even if I don't have an orgasm, I'm like, I still feel connected. Like it's still like it's great for me because I know that I pleased him, but I still got I still felt wanted and needed. So it's like I was, I'm happy and it's not that he didn't, you know, my poor mother in law right now, that's what's to t am I for my maybe father in law, my uncle roy who listens awesome, but it's like, you know, it's it's just like I'm I'm okay even if I don't, because it's still like still being intimate with him and like having that connection with him. Right. I understand that, completely understand that. And you know what, I don't worry about your family. They know you're having sacks. I mean no, well, I mean you well yeah, and or like my orgasm schedule, like orgas my uncle Royce, like sometimes I have to close my ears. Yeah yeah. And so in answer to that, you know what, what's healthy is every couple's got to dissever it for themselves that that that that guideline of mutually pleasurable, mutually wanted and consistent. And it's so much harder in different life stages, and frankly, the one that you're in now, and people who have young children or they're in the child rearing stage is the very hardest, not only on sexuality but on marriage in general. I kind of tell that the marriage trenches. Sometimes you're trying to negotiate so much in this life stage and so a lot of terms the sects becomes challenged and tense, and the guys are wondering where their wives ones because all of the emotionality and love is going towards children, and they're like, oh right, uh, you know you have needs to So it's a very complicated time to maneuver. So how do you maneuver? Because I mean communicating, communication, and then a willingness to be leaning into each other's needs and taking care of each other, and sometimes taking care of Mama is about giving Mama a break because she's being pulled on and feels needed all the time, and she feels like a caregiver. And there's nothing really um perspects the about feeling like a caregiver. Okay, I agree with you, But then also at the same point, like again, because I'm the one that wants more sex in the marriage. But for me, it's like I don't want to just feel like a mom. I want to feel sexy. I want him to touch me and like not just look at me like this is like mother that birth to his children, you know. So it's like, because you don't want to be seen as a caregiver by him, do you want to be seen as his woman? Like you want to be like paw mistress. Right, Yeah, sometimes that gets hard for women when they're they are caregiving all the time, they lose sight at that side of themselves. So that's cool that you are still hanging onto it and like, let me not be a mama, let me, you know, step into you know, where I can be touched and and be you know, the central person that I am. But it's a lots in a lot of manage in that in that life stage kind of shifting gears. That's so hard. It is so hard. It's rich, but it is hard, and you're in the heart, you know, and here you are pregnant again. Right wow. I will say though, one thing that like is I think probably the key and you've said this now a couple of times too. It's just communication. Because if you're not talking about your feelings or what's frustrating you or what your needs are, it's like you're gonna if you're not like communicating your needs in a healthy way, you're going to go outside ways and it's it'll it'll be over like a freaking lampshade not being turned off or you know what I mean. You're absolutely right. And I was married for sixteen years and I was a communicator and he wasn't a communicator. And I continued to grow and grow and grow, and we got married very very young, and he's sort of stayed in in you know that in the twenties and occurring and learning how you know to go and tell and how to connect with themselves and learn how to communicate and absolutely communication, and then most of us have a little bit of a learning curve around how to communicate about back right as that no one, no one, no one, no one teaches you how to communicate those needs. Now what honestly what happens is Google and the internet teaches you have the bad stuff that you shouldn't be watching exactly, and this is why I do what I do. Yeah, yeah, she's like, because hard to get freed it's hard to get freed up and and feel permission to be able to like and what words do we use? And how does this go? And do we do we wink? And is it non verbal or do we learn how to like say the words and you know, and say what you need and to discover what you need and for women to be able to say it's okay that I want back it's true. And I was just going to say, I'm now with somebody. She announced that she finally has a boyfriend, but she lied to me about it first. I know. I still don't know why I did that, except that I wasn't. I don't think I was ready to announce it on the podcast. Sorry, I'm like, but it's just an open life. I'm like, no, it hasn't, and I'm okay with that right now. Pardon me? Is this the official announcement right now? Or is it then? Oh no, no, we announced it right before we got on the phone with you. It was it was quite funny. You'll have to listen. I was like, She's like, no, no, no, just a friend. Wait, oh my god, I lied to you, Like like why? But what I was going to say is he is mature and older and communicates and makes me feel respected and is super kind. So I'm able to communicate with him and it is such a different experience, next level and you know it's incredible. Can you tell me about your box because I think it's so incredible. Um, what you guys are doing? So excited about my box? It's called the Amazing en Amacy Box And here can you send you I mean, I'll sign up for it too. But I just I really like I would love that, I think for couples that like need kind of help igniting. Yeah, and it's gonna be kind of a whole box, which means I'm bringing love, sex and you amazing lives to your doorstep with experiences that you can have together as a couple that are fun, that are essential because they've got to have the love in a sex component. But I'm also going to be coasting you through with written materials to and super great products that are kind of left products that you would like to keep that doesn't that live beyond the one experience. UM. I have heard over and over how hard it is for people to prioritize, carve out time, go on dates, nurture their relationship. And I just needed to make it easier for people because when it comes to your doorstep, and we're so that kind of culture now right, we can just get online and say order that when it comes to your door stuff and it shows up and it's all created for you. Then I'm trying to eliminate obstacles and excuses so that you actually contrast make it happen. So it's monthly, it's starting out quarterly quarter and then hopefully moving from monthly. Um, it's because it started yet it is launching. The website is up. If you're interested the Amazing enemyctbox, you can say, yeah, keep me loosed in. It will be launching this fall, and I'm I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I will I'm himp that out like crazy, and the product, I'm loving it. I'm super excited. And I will say I'm excited. I'm excited about that because so have you ever heard of the Love Dare? Yeah? Okay, so my husband I did that and then we got halfway through and then some stuff happened and we had to unfortunately take a little break from it. But what I'm frustrated is is, and this is a question for you, how to help me with this? Is like I want to start it back up. I want to do things to like that, like strengthen and fun things for us to be intimate with. But I feel like he's like resistant to it or doesn't like make the time. It's like he makes time to go to his therapy sessions in this now, but he's like, but where's I mean? I know, like he's hate me for saying all this, but like, because I know he, I know he makes time for me, but I want to be able to do like fun things that can help us together with intimacy stuff. Yes, and that's exactly what this is designed for. And here's my first scription. And people people get up sometimes they do their jow just kinds of drops. But here's my prescription for how much time we should be spending. We should have a date night a week, we should have a day together um every month, we should have a weekend away every quarter, and a week together away per year. And since no one ever does that, I thought, well, I better free to box. Yeah, I love you. It's basically I just can't wait. I'm so I'm so so so excited, and I just appreciate you doing this because this is the stuff. Like I honestly have looked online for things like this and I haven't found something that would be you know, beneficial for both of us. So I'm really looking forward to this box. This is not just another date box because I'm trying to give it some little sub yes, and that's because that I did see one of those and I'm like, okay, whatever, Like I don't want to play like Jima or like this like whatever. Was like, that's not what I want to do. I wanted to be like meaningful. Yeah, Jinger, I was Jinga and we did play it and we got it and I was like okay, but I was like okay, cool, like this is something like yeah, I'm like I don't took off your top like we're not in high school, you know, like like like I like you were my husband, and I want to do something that's like yeah and and helps us and that can grow and that we can maybe use some of these things for for later. So I'm so pumped. And thank you Leslie for being on the show and for being just a rock star for couples that need need help. I thank you and thank you, thank you for having me on the show. And I hope it was helpful and enriching in some way. And yet and I have you on the show in because I really like you. I love it, and I thank you. Do I want to come meet you because please, yeah, that would be fine. When you were in California next please let us know because I want you here. I was actually bummed when I found out that you weren't going to be in studio and then we can actually do callers. Yeah yeah, okay, well then we're going to make that happen segment Part two with Leslie thank you so much. I love your other one you did with your husband that was so meaningful and so well his ask will be here when you are in studio, so we'll will book dive real deep. Okay, yeah all right, thanks Leslie pleasure. I love her, she's I need her and um Michael and all of us in the studio. You know, we need her number and sun dial. Yeah we should. Would't that be fun? Like if like you bring your boyfriend Catherine flying with nick group therapy that's more like therapy. It sounds like so much fun. But like her husband with like Nicka's like he loves therapy, so he would like he would love it. Your husband loves the love that he's I mean, you couldn't ask for anything better. Well, but you don't love it. I mean I like therapy alone, but a couple of therapy, I mean it can get really uncomfortable. It's hard when like you know, it's like not to like dive too much in the relationship because I'm like I know everything about them, but like it's hard when like, you know, she wants to more do it on you know, her own couples there, her own session when it's like it's hard, but it's just you know, marriage, you know, because you've been married for how long? Yeah, so that's like that's where I feel like you can kind of get in that not rotten. I'm saying, you guys are in a rot at all. But like she said, the young kids thing, you get into. You know, she's got three kids, three kids to five and nine, so it's like you look like two, she says, I keep saying five. Are you kidding me? I know, I'm not crazy. You have a nine year old, she's a nine year old. He was in like football, baseball, and then like Emmy or like her daughter is in like you know, cheer camp and like and then you know the two year old that's a few weeks younger than Jolie. It's just like, I mean, it's like that's where like for me, it sounds overwhelming, like yeah, like and then eleven years in a marriage, it's like it's almost like where it could get so like we were saying mundane and just like because her creatures of habits, like everybody goes to bed at eight, everybody gets up at six thirty. Everybody eats the same cereal for shopping this and that week cook But then it's then, you know, and then I think when she's starting to rese and other people that have are now those many years and it's like, Okay, now we have to do the work on the marriage, which is like hard when you haven't done it. Not that you haven't done it, I'm not saying that at all, but like when you like it's just like, oh crap, now, like now the kids are old, learned, now, our stuff is getting more like out there, you know, right, it's kind of blowing up. Yeah, and you're like and then you have to work, yeah, on top of yourself and you're like, can you just leave me alone? Yeah? And then when you look people have like different you know, when they have different love languages like that on top of it, it's like, holy moly, that's just therapy, very complicated, and that's why it's not easy and that's why not everybody can do it. So if you're doing it and you're in it and you're continuing to do it, if you're so much easier to walk away that are you kidding. It's so much easier to just say, like screw that. But I love like I love that, you know people are fighting for it. I do too. And you know what I also love is stamps dot Com. Me too. So I just think it's great because after a long day of doing kids and cooking and it's just so convenient to be able to go on stamps dot com and get postage. Um you can buy in print real US postage for any letter or any package. It's available twenty four hours a day, which is like my favorite seven days of all you have to do is click print mail. You're done. It's fantastic. They even send you out a digital scale, so if you're not sure, like you know, if how much something weighs like, it's super easy. I mean, like this podcast, you can listen whenever you want, when it's convenient for you. So right now, use Janna for this special offer. It's a four week trial which includes postage and a digital scale, so don't wait. Go to stamps dot com before you do anything else. Click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Janna that's stamps dot Com. Enter Janna Hey Easton do you mind reading? Um? When a couple of emails from our listeners, the one from Jessica about panic attacks, I would love to Yeah, all right, you're Janna. I'm obsessed with your podcasts. While I listened to the podcast today, I couldn't help but just want more and more when talking about anxiety, I went on anxiety meds last November and have struggled with panic attacks lately and I don't know what triggers them. I've tried using the Calm app to slow my breathing, but ultimately I end up resorting to prescribe benzo diazepians. Can you offer any insight? Okay? So yeah, Jen and I have anxiety. Um, Jessica, I'm sorry girl. It sucks. And sometimes it's so frustrating for me too, because it'll literally come out of nowhere and it's like, why am I having a panic attack. I'm not upset, I'm not on a freeway. I'm totally fine. But it's subconscious. Something is triggering you subconsciously and you end up having the anxiety. The anxiety builds because you start to get like, oh my god, why, why is this happening? What's going on? And then there you go full blown panic attack sucks. It does what else say? Though? That works for me? I have so I had some really bad PTSD from that abust of relationship that I was in a million years ago. But um, and so well, sometimes when I'm home alone, UM, obviously you always always look with me. But even if I'm like at a hotel somewhere and I'm on the road traveling, I'll still wake up at three o'clock in the morning with just like re really really bad anxiety. And what helps me, um is knowing that I have like Azanex in my first I rarely ever ever ever take it. It's just nice to know that. It's like care if. Yeah, it's like my security blanket. I always have my water to make sure that I'm you know, okay, I have have that. But then also like I'll lay in my bed and I do the UM like the four senses. So it's like, what have I not noticed in the room. So I start to look around, like the room, I'm like, okay, um, oh there's a crack in the like the door or and then it's like do I hear a sound? And like and so I start to listen to something. So I and then like another one is like smell um, and then the other one is I always like um, like I feel like touch something that's like okay this, and it gets me out of my panic because my mind is doing something else, right, because it pulls you into the moment. Yeah, in that way, because your anxiety comes from the unknown, and when you're in the unknown, you're thinking of the future, you're thinking of other things, and all of those things pull you right back. But it's still hard. I mean a bunt of times that I've called like the ambulance to come get me, or just to know that I wasn't like alone. It's it's so hard. But if you can try doing things like that, some people, um count I have a friend house, Like if you do the three by three and three out, so it's like one two three x hel three and that helps slow. But but it's it has taken me. It's taken me ten years to get to a place now where I mean, I'm still I still have panic attacks. I'm still on anxiety medicine, but I'm able to talk myself out two. And I also do this too. I always make sure someone has their phone on so like, um, I'll be like hey, you know if my guitar player, I'll say, hey, can you do mind just keeping your phone on so that if I do call you, so I know that if it's three o'clock in the morning, I can call and he would pick up. He would be there if I needed to be like okay, and then usually I'm fine, and then like even if he did answer it like okay, I'm fine, Like sorry, I just needed to make sure someone was there. So just try to get things that work for you. But just it just it's going to take time and give yourself some grace. That's great advice, really is now it is. And you know what I've started doing with Rocco in the morning just he doesn't he does not have anxiety. But this morning actually started it. This morning I ordered a mindfulness game pack. Great, it's so much fine coloring, well, this one was it's an activity every day. So this morning he started off. He woke up. He sleeps with me, so he was like, good morning, Mama. It's the cutest. He's so cute. And I said, listen, before we get out of bed, before we do anything, I want you to take three three count three breaths. So he did the deep breathing for three you know, a three com breath, and then he was like, oh, I feel so good. And it's like instilling those little tools even when they're that young, when they don't even know what they're doing, is incredible. It's almost like a what's that called when meditation? Yeah? Absolutely? All right? Is the next one? Alright? This is from Jana Lynn. My question is about how you deal with mom guilt when it comes to having a career that you love while trying to raise kids and keep a relationship with your husband. I have two little boys, three years old and nine months old. I'm about to go through a major career change in August, which I'm so excited about that it will take me away from my family more often. My husband is struggling with the thought of balancing his own career and adding more responsibility to the kids, and all of this is causing me some major mom guilt. She heard. I mean, it's hard having like a career and it's hard. I mean, I'll say this like, you know, something that to keep in mind, Like for example, like my girlfriend Catherine is out here with me, she's got three kids at home. She you know, when we but when we you know, she's away from them right now, but when she comes home on Friday, she's going to make sure on Saturday that she's putting those kids down asleep, like she's making what is it, mindful time like you're making because I had asked, like, hey, let's all do like a couple of things that night, and you're like, well, I can't because I have to. I want to put my kids down like I haven't seen them. And it's like you're making the time to like it's given. Take Yeah, when you know you're gonna be gone, then I'm gonna, you know, I'm going to make sure that I'm there for the next couple of nights. It doesn't always happen that way with my career, unfortunately, but I try to as much as I can. Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's hard. I was just in New York for a week and I got back and I was I was supposed to go to an event. I got back on Friday. I was supposed to go Pickrockle up from camp, bring him home, have a babysitter comover, and go to an event that night. And then they just got home right and at the last minute, I was like I can't do it. I just can't do it. It's not fair to him, it's not fair to me. Well, and you're putting that added stress on you too. Things. So it's like if you can schedule, like make sure because I'll do this too, Like, well, I don't want to be more than four days because then I'm gonna then I'm gonna startist dress out. My work is going to suffer because of it, um, and then I'm gonna miss my child and then you know, I then I'm gonna probably take it out on my husband or take it out on somebody else that's like with me at the time. And and then also making time for your partner a spouse to on top of all that is really hard because you have your career of your kids and then husband. But really your husband should be in the top of that, right oh god first, but yeah, you know what I mean, and then you know the order yeah yeah, yeah, how but I mean it should be like your relationship because that's the core, and then you know your kids, and then you know the job and stuff. So it's like, yeah, it's listened, but it's a lot. It's a lot, and it's not easy and you know, I work really early in the morning, so I don't get to drop rock O off at school. I have a nanny in the morning, and once in a while I will on a Friday, I'll drop him off at school and come in a little bit later. But I was feeling really guilty about that. But I always picked them up from school, so there was a trade you know, there was this trade off that was great, but you know, you just have to get over it. Last night, I had a meeting at three o'clock. I couldn't pick him up from camp, and I had to have the In the whole way to the meeting, I kept thinking, oh, I feel so bad. I should be picking him up from camp. I was just in New York last week. And then maybe like sorry, I know I just cut you off, but maybe then have like a great weekend with him, like just time with him. That's what we're doing. And when I got home he was fine, So fine us. But I would also say, learn when to say no and your work with your friends with like that's the hardest thing for me. You know, it's like I don't have to go to this event. It would probably be good if I did, but I don't have to, and right now it's more important for me to be home or I really want to see my friends, but I did see them last week. It's going to be okay if I say no and I just stay home. You're lest important because we're putting all that pressure on ourselves and it's hard to say no. And you want to be good at everything. You want to be a good friend, a good wife, a good employee, you know all of that. Then want to yeah, exactly and have ten Danny's yeah, no, but I mean just that was that was good Catherine and both of you guys, just making you know, being okay, saying no and just giving yourself grace. So start practicing no, no, no, no, no no sorry no um. But thank you guys again for sending in your emails, and we're going to get to you know, all these other ones on future episodes. If you have any questions for Janet all, you can just send her an email at Jannet Kreamer at i hurt Media dot com. Easy as that, and I can't wait to help you out. So Hello, Fresh has become mine and my husband's absolute favorite obsession. I get so excited because when I come home and I'm like, oh, thank gosh, there's a Hello Fresh package at my door, and it's just so nice because I feel like I'm I feel like Michael and I like our biggest thing is like, oh god, what's her dinner? Oh? I don't want to grow the grocery store, okay, Like, and especially I do not like going to the grocery store with Drolling because she just like wants to everything. It's just way too much. Um, he goes with her, but it's just for me. I'm not that good with coming up with recipes or ideas or how to Really I need something that's very simple and planned out for me. And that's why I love Hello Fresh. Each box is made up with fresh, responsibly obtained ingredients from carefully selected farms and high rated, trusted sources. Um, it's nice not having to plan dinner spending money on take out. I mean, seriously, the amount of money I spent on Postmates is stupid. So I just that's why I'm like obsessed with Hello Fresh because they're good meals. I make them with my husband or he makes them. It's it's amazing. It's just spend less time meal planning and grocery shopping each week and get that time back to do more of what you love, which is hanging out with my family. So for thirty dollars off your first week of Hello Fresh, visit Hello Fresh dot com slash claimer thirty and enter Creamer thirty. That's Hello Fresh dot com slash Cramer thirty and enter Cramer thirty for thirty dollars off your first week of Hella Fresh Hello Fresh dot com slash Cramer thirty, Enter Cramer thirty. I love today's episode. It was so much fun. Yeah, thanks Catherine for popping in on. Thanks for happening. You're welcome. Um, like you'relcome um No, but this is really fun. It's um it's nice to talk to an actual specialist about things, you know. She was fantastic. Yeah, I really liked Trilla. I want her in the studio with all of our husbands and significant others UM group therapy. I want Easton's wife to come into because I want to, like, I want to get y'all's dynamic. That would be awesome too. I want to be amazing UM. And of course I'm super excited that Michael and I are having a little boy. So it's but um I love you guys, and I am so excited to wind down again next week. Oh

Whine Down with Jana Kramer

At the end of a long day, nothing is better than winding down and decompressing with a good friend,  
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