Velvet's Edge with Kelly HendersonKelly and Chip open their settings and reveal the results of how much time they spend on their phones and doing what. They also reveal astonishing stats about how time spent changes as we age and bring some options on doing things differently to live your actual most connected life.
HOSTS:
Kelly Henderson // @velvetsedge // velvetsedge.com
Chip Dorsch // @chipdorsch
Hey, Chip, I just sounded like my sister.
That's how she says it when I call her.
Lit up Chip, it's about to sing you a song. So I did a podcast on Wednesday that the intuitive told me that she kept picturing me behind a microphone like emotionally belting out a song, and she's like, I have now done this reading with you. Now I'm doing this podcast with you, and that is not leaving me. And I thought I said I'm not a singer though in fact, on my Friday episodes with my co host, we try to sing sometimes and we're terrible.
You don't. I want to know something funny is I was Actually I was in the studio yesterday with the band Lula and ended up in the vocal booth doing gang vocals on the chorus.
What's a gang vocal similar to a gang bang?
No? Well yeah, but everyone's singing, so it's like we were the choir basically, So everyone that was happened to be at the studio that at that time studio and we sang harmonies.
Was she channeling your energy on me? Maybe do I need to do a gang vocal?
Maybe we need to add you?
I I was dying laughing every time she says it. I'm like, I mean, I definitely think that I'm in a phase of learning how to express so I could see that. But like actually singing by myself behind a mic, I mean sorry to the audience, and it may karaoke, Yeah, but you know, I don't even really like to do that anymore.
Yeah, but that doesn't mean you won't, I guess not. Shoot, So anyway, I'm always down for karaoke.
I'm just going to be singing for a week. My homework is to sing a song by myself for five minutes, just to like see what happens and see if it opens anything up. So there you go.
She gave you homework. Yes, oh wow.
I love intuitives that give homework because it's been it's like actually putting things, making things applicable in your life, like actually putting them into practice.
Next week on the Velvet Edge, we're going to hear the Day Be a single from Kelly.
Do you know what I do? You know what? Song? I did today? After that podcast, I was prepping for some other stuff and then I was sitting in front of my computer and I did Lisa Lobe stay.
Oh, I just added that to my karaoke list.
For some reason, that has always been the one song when I was younger, I was like, maybe I kind of sound like Lisa Lobe, Like I thought maybe I could. I think it's because I can stay on pitch with her the whole entire time, Like I can hit all the notes. Yeah, in my head, I sound just like her.
It gets to be a bit tongue twistery at the end.
I know every word. Yeah, I know the part you're talking about though, Yeah, call me because you want me and went to you let me go. Yeah, you try to give away keep her.
I got a fun little fact about that song. It's the only independent Well it might that this might not be a fact anymore because it's an older song, but when it hit number one on the pop chart, it was the first time an independent song was number one on the pop chart because she wasn't signed to a record label. Oh really, Yeah, that song was on the Reality Bite soundtrack.
Yes, that was how I got.
It was put out through a major label, but she wasn't signed yet. She was Ethan Hawk's neighbor, no way, Yeah, she was his neighbor and he put her on the soundtrack.
My god, I used to love her.
Mm hmmm, I have that. I have her first album on cassette. It's called the Purple Tape.
That's what her cassette is called.
Yeah, because it was purple.
Oh oh my god, look at all these fun facts. I didn't even know what I was opening Pandora's box when I said, Lisa Lowe, maybe I'll sing it again later and I'll always know it to you, my practice. That's not what we're actually here to talk about. We actually both just did a really interesting experiment. So if you are not driving, I would is it employ you? Is that how you say this?
Plore?
Implore? Wow, I knew that wasn't right, but my brain's a little dead today. I would implore you to take out your phone, open up. If you have an iPhone, go to your settings. Then what do I do, Chip, and I'm already forgot you.
Go to settings and look at screen screen time. Let me see if I can find out for those Android users Android.
So Chip texted me and says, have you ever looked at your screen time? Which of course I have, But now I choose to live in denial and not. But I'm kind of glad you brought this back up to me, because I do feel like when I just let it free flow and I'm not at all paying attention, it gets a little out of hand. Did you want to like tell us some of your numbers? Chip?
Yeah? So I was shocked. So my daily average is down this week, down twenty one percent from last week to almost eight hours of use on my phone seven hours and fifty one minutes.
That's your daily average.
That's the average daily. Yes, for yesterday, I was on my phone ten hours and fifty three minutes. Yea calling to me?
Does that include phone calls?
Probably? But I don't talk on the phone that much.
My daily average is seven hours and thirty two minutes. That's on apps and websites. That's your highest category.
My most used category is I message? So texting?
Are you sure? Did you press the most?
It's just it's so it's social.
Mine's social as well. Does that including messages?
Yeah, gossages messages fall into that. So oh, I spent a whopping eleven seconds today on LinkedIn?
Okay screen time for social? What is yours for last week?
Last week?
Mine is shocking? I want to I don't even know if I want to say it.
Oh, my god, mine is I don't know if this is collective. I don't know how to read it properly. I'm looking at last week and it says eighteen hours and sixteen minutes.
But yeah, mine says seventeen hours and sixteen minutes.
Crazy, that must be total though, right of the week.
Yeah, my daily average is four hours and nineteen minutes.
Oh yeah, my daily average is four hours and thirty four seconds.
Oh my god. So Chip and I got to talking about this because we were just, i mean, we comments about this all the time. I'm on this podcast of just how we kind of feel like we float through this world or we're not fully paying attention to things. We're just like driving the bus, I've going to work, the hustle, all the things. And you actually sent me a really interesting article. There was a couple, but this one post from mel Robbins. If you guys ever follow her, she's on Instagram. She said, on average, you will spend twenty years of your life just scrolling through your phone. Imagine it's the end of your life and someone says, would you like an extra twenty years and your answer is nah, I'd rather have spent twenty years scrolling mindlessly on my phone.
It really puts it in perspective big time. I know I use my phone a lot for work, and I think so the text messaging has a lot to do with work. But it's shocking to me the differentiation between how much time I spend on email on my phone versus text messaging and you know a lot of work stuff now.
Does well, we talked about that.
I hate it. I hate texting for work, but you just have to just is what. It is, just the world that we live in now. But it's it's a huge difference between mail and texting. I would imagine that I just do more of the emailing on my computer, but I also I am running around a lot. I'm not often just sitting at my desk in front.
That's what I think. I was shocked by your numbers because I feel like you're either driving or running around pretty consistently.
Yeah, but I'm one of those bad people that is on my phone a lot when I'm driving.
I'm not a bad person. Don't talk about my friend the way.
Well, I'm just like, it's not a smart thing to do, and I recognize that, but I also do it, you know, so I need to be better about that.
Wud you just say when you're driving, when I'm driving, Yeah, that's to be better about that.
Yeah, I have to be better about it.
I just think that it's so fascinating because I had a somatic therapist once tell me that motion that I'm doing the motion right now. You guys have like the scroll, Like the way we move our finger up and down on the phone when we're scrolling is a way that we calm our nervous system. Really, it's yes, it's a way we do associate. And so the social media people specifically are so brilliant because they have learned how to tap into our addictive brain in our nervous systems. And so we're sitting there doing that scrolling motion after the like at the end of a long day, or if you find yourself doing it in between task or when you're on the phone with someone and you like need to go do that, Really your nervous system is like, I'm overloaded, is what that's saying. Before, No, we've never.
Done so it's something that we've adapted to.
Well, it's what you do on your phone. So before like when you only had MySpace on your computer, it was different, right, but somehow like that's how it's progressed in our society now that we have such access to apps on our phone, and that could be for dating apps, that could be anything. It's like we always wonder why these things are so addictive. There's obviously like the validation piece, you know, the reward process that speaks to our brains and our nervous systems. But I just thought that that's so interesting about that motion, and so I have started to try, like if I find myself having those days where I'm just not able to not pick up my phone, I'm like, what is going on? Like trying to ask yourself the deeper questions. But it's crazy how unconscious it is, you know, like it's literally like that phantom even vibrate thing that happens in the back pocket, or if you if you see someone else pick up their phone and they're checking it, like you have to check yours. All of a sudden, you notice.
It's almost like an adult pacifier if you think about it, because you know, when I walk in, if I'm like early to a bar or a restaurant or something, it's like my shield. Yeah, I can like look like I'm not alone. I can disappear into something and yeah, I tell myself, Oh, I can use this time to get some stuff done. But if I look at the stats on my right, for the most part, I'm probably not doing shit that's worth doing, you know, So I have to change something like this is shocking to me. This is the first time I've ever looked at I have to google how to figure it out. And by the way, if you're an Android user, what you would do is you open your device's settings app and then tap Digital well Being and Parental Controls, and there's charts that show your device use and then you should throw away your phone.
Again on my phone, don't start them on those green pets. I can't. I can't hear that rant again. I will say there is something you can do on iPhones. And I did have this set up for me for a while where it was like, after an hour on your social media, you would get it stops you. It like takes you out of it, and it goes alert You've been on here for an hour. Let me tell you how fast that comes in your day. There would be times where I'm like, it's eight am, how am I already getting that? Like right, and so anyway, I wouldn't necessarily follow the rules, but it was something that I had in place that did help me actually be conscious of it more. I mean, does it not lock you out of the app until the next day, No, you can just close it out.
See, there must be some way, like because off with the parental control, I have to go a little deeper, because there are parental controls that you can literally lock them out.
I mean, you sound like such an addict right now, though you hear yourself.
I mean no, truthfully, I would need something that extreme because I would do exactly what you did. Ah fuck it, like in the same way that like when my alarm goes off at six am, I hit snooze for an hour.
We'll tell about that stat So I was.
Like, wait a minute, why have I used my clock more than I used email that day? Well, because I like, I hit snooze for an hour, and so you're in your clock is open the whole time that so it's from like six am to seven am. The other day.
I just can't The snooze thing is so bizarre to me. I don't understand it because I'm like, just set your alarm for seven then why.
Then I would hit snooze till eight.
But it's just such disrupted sleep, I guess, so I don't feel rested after. It makes me feel worse if I'm.
Trying to shift my daily habits so that I wake up earlier, so that I can get like a dog walk in, some meditations, some journaling, and the gym all before work. But it's it's really I know, it's really hard to shift that because I'm used to staying up really late, and waking up at six is really hard. So I have started now. I put my phone in the kitchen and an alarm clock in the kitchen, so I have to get out of bed to turn them off.
Yeah, and then once you're out, it's like you're up. Seem as well make a coffee while you're yeah.
Right, and then once I want and you know, after a few days of this, it will start to form a habit where it's a lot easier just to get up at that time. Because I actually really love being up in the morning. I also happen to love sleeping, so if I can sleep later, I do. But this was a short tail sign, Like that's really embarrassing, it's shocking you were on your clock for an hour. Yeah, so like what a lame app to be on.
The clock, Like what you did? Send me another post that I thought was really interesting because it really breaks down because when we were talking about me backtrack for a second, when we were talking about the phone thing, you were like, oh my god, this is crazy. Think about all the time we're missing with the people in our lives, like actually interacting with real human beings, really truly connecting, not just disassociating or thinking that being on social media is true connection. Like we're missing relationships with the people in our lives. And then you found this post. Do you want to read it or do you want me to?
You can start because there's several slides.
So yeah, this is on tanks good news. But basically they're talking about how from the time we're born until our death, there's different seasons that different relationships are like priorities. So when you first start, obviously, like your relationship with your parents and your siblings, like your immediate family is high, but it peaks in childhood and then it declines after the age of twenty. So the key takeaways they say with this slide is time with family is limited. Time with your parents declines sharply after age twenty. You may only see your loved ones a few more times. Prioritize and cherish every moment.
I mean, it's wild you talk.
About that one a lot because you don't. I was talking about recently, like my parents are actually moving to Nashville, and I'm so grateful because even if I see them once a week, it's more than I'm like, we're seeing them now twice a year, three times a year, you know, like not very often on holidays. And then it's like, as everyone gets older, you start to really take that into consideration of like, oh my gosh, there's not that much times. If I keep on this routine of how often I'm seeing them, there's not many times that I'm to see them.
Yeah, the older we all get, the worst it gets. And you know, you and I it's a little different because we're both single without children, right Like I think about with my sister, who actually lives a lot closer to my parents and because of that gets to see them more often. But the older her kids are getting, the more complicated it is for her to carve time out to go see my parents.
Of course, because she's got softball games, running them around.
And running them around doctor's appointments, someone sick and she doesn't want to get my parents sick, and all of the things. And there's you know, there's a million reasons. Right seeing this post and seeing the graph is actually, like it's kind of heartbreaking when you think about it, Like especially for people that move away. Like I haven't lived where I grew up since I was eighteen years old, right, so the amount of time that I've gotten to spend with my parents is diminished because of that. So I, you know, I do make a very concerted effort to try and get home several times a year. And if there's a work excuse for me to be close to the like closer to the home, I'll try and build in a trip home, even if it's for one night, because I know how much it means to them, and when they're gone, it'll mean even more to me. You know that I put in that effort.
For sure, And you embrace the time you have with them.
Yeah. Yeah.
This one says time spent with friends peaks at eighteen and declines sharply to a low baseline. Key takeaways embrace friendship, but focus on depths, Cherish those who are with you through good and bad times. Invest your energy in healthy, meaningful friendships that last.
That one makes a lot of sense when I look at it, But as someone who's single and doesn't live in the same town as my parents, my family are my friend friends, well, I actually.
Think our friend group is really good at seeing each other, right, And so.
I don't know that that graph necessarily applies to me, but I can see how in general it applies to most people because you know, your life is pretty care free until you're eighteen, and then you go off to college and responsibilities set in and you're starting families of your own and all those things, so time with friends becomes less of a priority. But for me, if I'm not with friends, I'm alone.
Well, right, me too, So my graph.
Is a little different. Like granted, like i'd have to quantify which friends because it would have to be very different graphs. Like obviously my high school friends, that graph really does apply to me, yeah, because I very right to speak to them. And then I have New York friends and LA friends and Nashville friends, and so I have I guess I have different graphs, But I think that the key takeaway for me, there is is like to identify those that you just can't live without and make sure to spend as much time with or communicate with them as much as possible.
Well, I like the depth, not Brett like it. I do think as you get older, or for me, this is how it's worked. I've started to not have as many acquaintances per se, like in your twenties and stuff. Remember I'd be like, oh, I just want to go out, so who can I do that with? And it's like you go up with the person who didn't barely even knew, Like it was just I don't know. We would just hang out with different kinds of people. Now, I'm like, if I'm giving effort into a relationship or time because none of us have that much of that because of work and responsibilities and all the things you mentioned. I do think I need it to be someone who I genuinely have a connection with, who is pouring into me as much as I'm pouring into them, that we can actually talk about real shit. We're not just like going and getting drunk together like you win in your twenties, you know, like your relationships do change. But I do think the depth piece is something to really consider as you get older. Yeah, times it with partners the opposite, But that actually goes to show if you're not happy in your marriage or your relationship, like you're wasting a lot of time because that trends upwards until death. So the key takeaways there, he says, are, who you choose as your partner is actually the most important decision you'll ever make. Find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with. Never settle for less than love.
Yeah, it's I mean, the end of that graph is really sad too, because it's a steep drop off, which means that's sized death.
Yeah, well that's the inevitable that try is not happening, but we all will die.
It's also interesting too, sort of. I mean, I don't know how where they got the graphs from, but the really sharp endclines is between like twenty four and thirty. I wonder if that's like that that's the window when most people get married.
Probably, yeah, right, because it rises a lot. Well, yeah, it's probably like look like that. That's okay though, everyone's on their own journey. I've spent with children. Peaks in your thirties, so that's I guess. When people are having kids, more decline sharply thereafter, time with your children is short. Same, it's the opposite of the parents obviously, slow down and embrace the sweetness that children bring to your life. Co workers, this is an interesting one. Steady during the prime working years from twenty to sixty, But you spent a lot of time with your coworkers.
Yeah. Yes, it's the longest relationships that you have. Really crazy, Who the most steady, I guess.
Yeah. Who you choose to work with is one of the most important decisions you'll make as well. Find work and co workers that create energy in your life. We have an interesting thing there too, though, because literally we work with our best friends.
True.
Yeah, And that's how my friends have become my friends is from work. Yeah.
And depending on where you live, you might not have as many options of you know, what you get to do or or who you get to work with.
True.
So we're a bit of an anomaly there. But that said, I think if you are able to choose to do something that you love, you're probably going to end up finding like minded people that you're going to get along with really well.
Times Been alone was a little weird too. It says it steadily increases throughout your life, which if you really think about, is true. And my mom has always said this, Like the older you get, the more clear it becomes. You remember, you came into this world alone, and you're going to actually leave alone too, even if you're surrounded by loved ones. Like it's an experience that we all go through by ourselves. Right, So he says, learn to embrace solitude, lecture, boredom, muscle, regularly, find happiness and joy in the time you have to yourself. There will be a whole lot of it as you get older. So in summary, one, family time is limited, chairshit. Two friend time is limited, piz real ones. Three partner time is significant, never settle for children's time is precious, be present. Five coworker time is significant. Find energy. Six alone time is highest. Love yourself, damn, And don't get off your phone.
Get off your phones.
I mean, those are two a little bit separate topics that at the point we're trying to make here is like it really is starting to dawn on us how unconscious we're moving through our lives sometimes and how much time we're wasting on things that actually don't matter to us.
Well, you know, when you think about like the lifetime of humanity and how new these phones being in our hands and having everything touch of a button is, you know, on that graph, it's such a small amount of time, So we really don't know the shift that this is going to have in humanity. And you know, it feels like we're really connected because we're on Instagram and Facebook and all the things that you know are meant or designed to act us, but we're really isolating ourselves. I do think there are lots of benefits to it too, Like I can stay in touch with friends that live in Europe of course because of this device, and it makes it a lot easier than mailing a letter and hoping it gets there one day. But I think that the major takeaway is that it's it's a net loss. These things, you know, they might make us a little bit more productive, but I think they make us more isolated than connected.
Because I was thinking, you said, so much of your time is spent texting, and like, even with work stuff, how often are you actually in a bad mood but you're texting like you're not you know, you're not actually being true. It's like when you're experience a person in real life or even on the phone. You can hear tone of voice, you can hear like you just read energy better than you can do to like just a text right totally, So.
You can push and you can push down your emotions too when you actually probably need to sit in them for a minute and feel them and work through them and work through whatever it is it's putting you in that mood. But you have to like be on and getting your job done and all the things, or planning your night out or whatever it is that you're doing. But you know, to lean into my word of the year which was explore, like I am. I need to sit down and do some deep digging and figure out what I'm gonna do to buy myself some more time for me because these dating apps I like every time I'm on them, like it's there. I don't find them beneficial, like, but I feel like I'm doing something. I feel like I'm searching for my somebody. But I would probably be better off like volunteering somewhere or even out at a bar, like forcing myself.
Through the discomfort activity, yeah.
Or doing an activity, joining a sports team with some gay gaze, you know, like sports ball, just doing something where I'm interacting with people in a real way versus just putting myself in like a window to be shot.
You know.
That's yeah.
I used to when I was on apps. I would set a limit, like I would set the timer for ten minutes in the morning, and then I would do ten minutes at night. That's all I would do, because to me, it is the same thing as social media, and I was like, I do not I do not need another thing where I'm just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. I also found that the days where I wouldn't do that and I would let myself scroll, I would get so depressed because it would like, you, if you're continuing to scroll, you're obviously not seeing anything you want, and you're looking for some sort of proof that that someone could be out there. So it's like depressing if you're not finding it.
You know, yeah, I think it's a self fulfilling prophecy. It's exactly most of the time you're not finding someone, right, you know, like literally ninety percent of the time, it's not really working for you. And then you're like, well, fuck, I just wasted two hours, and sure, you know, at least like if you're at a bar and you don't meet somebody, you probably had fun. You might have had some good common and had a couple of drinks or what. I don't know. I need to change some shit up in my life. Is all based on these statistics of my phone.
So basically, we are just inviting you guys to go check your screen time like we did, give the fascinating experience, and let us know what you come across too, Like I just want to. I think I am going to set the timer again for my social media just so it goes off because I am trying to be more active on there for work purposes. But I also don't need to fully scroll all the time, Like I'm just finding myself doing it and it's basically a waste of time. So yeah, yeah, that's my new thing. If you guys do try it and you want to let us know, you can always email us at the edge at velvesedge dot com or you can hit us up on the voicemail send us some voicemails. We're ready. You can find that on my Instagram in the link at the bio. It is at Velvet's Edge Chip.
I'm at Chip doorsh it's Chip d R sch.
And as you guys are going into the weekend and you're living on the edge. I was gonna try to be cute, but I stopped my phone. You're living, hopefully not living on your phone. I hope you always remember to a casual bye bye
