Velvet's Edge with Kelly HendersonKelly and Chip answer listener questions about sex drive in your 40's, talking to a friend about their partner you don't like and an injury from an iron that shouldn't be described here. Kelly is also on muscle relaxers for a back injury, so the answers are Interesting!
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Wow.
Well, well, oh my god.
This is about to be the most interesting podcast you guys have ever heard.
I mean, that's a lofty well listen.
The reason I say that is because I cannot predict what's about to happen or come out of my mouth because I'm one muscle relaxers. Oh god, yeah, wild, Happy Friday everyone.
Chip and I are both injured.
We're old.
I mean I don't like to refer to myself that way, but sometimes in these moments.
I just feel really old.
I have a back injury and Ship actually injured his today. I have been down for the count this whole entire week, Like it was so severe that I couldn't even record this week. So the Velvet episode, if you guys notice, was one of my favorite episodes, and it was because I was so high on muscle relaxers and could not move. I've actually moved out of the bed at this point and was able to get acupunctury yesterday, so it's helped a little bit to where I have some movement, but I'm still on muscle relaxing.
And yeah, this is about to be interesting.
Really, I mean, you were having spasms. That's why I'm on the muscle relaxing. Yeah, I'm not like. I just was doing lifting weights today and did something. I feel it, My.
Lord, that's how mine started.
So I've got an ice pack. Can you hear it crinkle when I move?
No?
But that's good because you're Actually I didn't do this, but they told me you're supposed to ice for the first couple of days or do alternating like ice and heat, and I just I didn't have ice packs, so I just did straight heat, which was okay though, because my body doesn't really respond all to cold. It never has, right, But.
Man, what a week?
What a week? Here we are?
And I mean I kind of like have missed you guys. I was like, I have to record today. I can't just do no podcast all week. But again, whatever I say, like, take it with a grain of salt.
I kind of hope it goes off the rails.
Yeah, you never know.
Remember we used to drink on podcasts. Yeah, we don't do that anymore, but it was always pretty interesting to see what came out of our mouths.
Well, is that just another example of us getting older? Like you can't even drink on a podcast. Maybe I don't know.
I posted on my Instagram that Chip and I were doing listener questions today and I should have said I will answer all of your listener questions on muscle Relaxers and see what kind of gifts we got. We did get some really funny ones, though, so you know we'll get into those in a second. Yeah, anything else exciting happened in your week before that? We need to tell the listeners before we get going.
Uh no, Di, I just did a little travel. I was in Los Angeles and I got back yesterday.
Oh, Casual, I didn't even know you that.
Yeah, yeah, I went to some a g Oh, this is pretty cool. Like I met Lauren Hill. I mean, my gosh, is literally okay.
I saw l post about that.
I saw I saw your comment.
Oh my god.
You don't even understand. I'm obsessed with that album. Like I still it's the only album in my Spotify that I have downloaded, and so every time I take a flight, that's what I listen to, and I can listen to it on repeat, Like I've listened to that album so many times.
I'm talking about that.
Well Music just did this really cool thing where they listed the top one hundred albums of all time. Yeah, and they rolled it out like every day they did like one hundred and ninety one. Yesterday happened to be the day that they did from ten to one, and their top album of all time was The Miseducation of Lauren Hill. It's so so the night before we met her, and so I'm like, you know, in the presence of literally the greatest yeah, and she's very She famously doesn't show up for.
Things I know, or she shows up like three hours.
Late or that. Yeah, and this event they didn't know until that day that she was confirmed and they were honoring her album was being honored into the Grammy Hall of Fame, and yeah, the last minute, showed up and had had her kids with her. She was there the whole time. And then I got a note. I got a text from someone at the Grammy saying missus Hill has agreed to take photos with all the artists upstairs and the artist lounge after the show, which I then showed to Elle and she's like, oh, we'll stay for the whole thing we got and which is obviously like this huge honor, and she you know, it took him for her to get upstairs being a shit to like move through a pretty big crowd and right, but then after the whole event, like, we just went back to the hotel which was right next to the venue, and we were sitting in the lobby bar just hanging out with some people we met that night, and lo and behold, here comes miss Lauren Hill like her some of her team were there, and she came down and just hung out at the bar like staff were getting their photos with her. It was a pretty amazing and she could not have been sweeter.
Okay, well that's lovely to hear because I've always heard mixed things just because she doesn't show up.
There's all the stories you can read about her.
She could not have and like she literally hasn't aged a day, like your skin is perfect. She's beautiful, and like it's just you know, it's that thing that you doesn't even have a word. There's like a glow around her and she likes, yeah, an aura, and she was just yeah, you're like, no, there is a word for that. Let me tell you the word.
Actually, finally he's like, there isn't even a word for it, No there.
Is, And I mean she just has that glow and it was very very sweet, and I didn't I was too scared to ask for a photo.
I don't blame you. Yeah, you can just live vicariously through l Yeah I did.
I did take the photos at el posted, so I you know, my cameras photos of miss Lauren Hill.
So oh my god. Well I'm so jealous because I'm such a fan of hers. That's amazing. I'm really glad you guys to do that.
Yeah.
Well, your week sounds way more eventful than mine.
Yeah wow.
I mean all I can report is that muscle muscle relaxers are weird. I do not really like the way they made me feel, but I have no choice. It's like I feel like I'm just floating around. My friends are calling me Hi Kelly because I just don't have like a I don't know, I don't have a normal response to anything really this week. I guess that's what happens when you have no fucks left to give.
Great. Yeah, well, I mean I can't tell if it's the pain that's slowing you down or if it's the drugs.
But it's probably a combination of both.
It's like a definite, like little motor delay that I'm sensing. Oh really, spoke. I haven't spoken to you since it happened.
I just down for the count. Man, just down for the count.
I have hurt my back before you asked me this before we get on the podcast, and you know, I was an athlete and stuff like, I've definitely had injury, but there is nothing like.
What I've ever had. Well I'm sorry, I guess.
There is nothing like what I'm experiencing right now as far as just having an injury and then having the spasm. Like the guy who I saw acupuncture with told me that the reason our body spasms, especially in our back, is because it's trying to protect your spine. So in a way, it's like a beautiful thing that my body is doing that. Our bodies are amazing. Whenever I find out these things that they do just like that, like it's like stop doing that movement, You're going to fuck up your spine. But it sends such pain through my body that I'm like, I want to throw up.
It's just I've mine. The injury that I got today is not as severe, but I feel like if I did the wrong if I moved the wrong.
Way, I could go there.
And so I'm trying to be really good in I'm icing and I took iboprofen. But I'm getting ahead of it. I have been there, and this is what I asked Kelly before the podcast, Like there is and for those of you who have never hurt your back, there is the thought that like this feels like it feels like a permanent injury, Like you will never walk again, you will never stand again, you will never work out again. And that's a really scary thing because you know, sometimes it's really hard to control your thoughts and it just you know, but you will walk again, you will like you will be fine. God, But it's that kind of pain. So I feel for you well.
And also you don't realize how much you use your back until it's messed up, like it is a part of every movement you make, every breath you take, every like shift in the bed like I have took so for granted that I can lay on my back, lay on my side, lay on the other side, lay on my stomach, like those movements right now for me? Are I mean maybe before yesterday, I mean that has been to have had to make such a conscious thought process effort that I don't even know what I just said. You know what I'm saying, Like I've had to make such an effort to think through every single motion because it would send my back into another spasm.
And so putting one putting.
On underwear, I have not worn underwear in a week.
I can't. I put it on underwear after my shower did and I was like, oh god.
I took the first shower in four days. I mean, I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but like I just literally could not do it, and I couldn't change clothes because even going to sit on a toilet is like the biggest accomplishment. It's like going to the bathroom has been the biggest movement I've had right up until yesterday. So anyway, we are going to answer some listener questions and again, like I said, let's just see what comes out of my mouth.
That will be.
So it's just as much of a guessing game for me as it is for you guys. So you specifically requested a couple and I'll make sure to make note of those when we get to them.
But here's our first question.
Hey, you guys, my name is Wren, and I would love some advice on where I seem to find myself currently, which is this place of walking this very thin tight rope between keeping the faith and just saying fuck it, because it seems like I've held the vision, I've tried to manifest, I'm being a good person. I'm very self aware and notice my fault in specific relationships or specific outcomes. But the needle's not moving at all, not in the direction I want it to or the direction I don't want it to. It's just I'm sort of at the standstill. So any advice that you guys have on when to say fuck it and when to just keep the faith other than like the cliche just keep going, because how do you make yourself keep going? And it seems there is literally no point and living the spiritual life when you feel like other spiritual people are not living their best life. They are constantly going through waves of all the different emotions because they're open to feeling all the different emotions. So it's just it's a sticky place to be and it's not fun. So what do you guys do for that?
Would you like to start chup? Or do you want me?
Well, I guess I have a question for her, like is this about Do you think this question is about relationships or just life in general?
I think what I took from it is, you know when you go through those moments in life where you kind of get your hopes up that things are about to work out. And I mean I think she mentioned being spiritual, so it's like maybe she's putting a lot of effort into that and doing the right thing, doing all the meditations, doing the manifestation, and it's like, you know, how you just get these all these people preaching out you to do all this shit and then your life and life great perfect yeah, and she's like and nothing's fucking happening.
Right, Well, Okay, that puts a little more contact on it for me. I will say this life is designed, I think to suck for most people, like it is not. Life is not easy, and I think that a little bit of like fuck it is actually really good in life, because you know, we don't know how long we're going to live. Nothing is guaranteed in our lives, so we don't know how long we're going to live. Today could be our last day, you know, hopefully it's not. But I think living life every day with a little bit of fuck it is a really good way to go and not just fuck it, fuck them, fuck those fuck y'all all of that, because the energy should be all of your love and energy should be or the majority of it should be directed towards your self to make your existence exactly what you want it to be, because life isn't going to give you that, Like you just have to make it and while knowing that you're never gonna get to perfection because you know, money, loved ones, romance, all of those things like don't give you everything that you want from them, not to mention like just out of life in general. So I think it's like you kind of just have to know that, like life kind of sucks but is also fucking amazing at the same time, and be okay with that now. Then you know, what are the practical things that you can do? Is like I think you just have to seek out the things that really make you the happiest and you can't worry about where all the other cards fall. Because if it means that, like you have to move away from your best friends and your family because you live in a place that doesn't have a beach, but the beach brings you the most joy, then fucking move to the beach. Like you have to be willing to lose some of the things that you love to gain the things that you love the most, and then I think it starts to feel as close to perfect as it can be.
Oh my god, that was such a good answer. Literally, I'm like, wow, I was taking notes. I mean, that was so good. And also you took some of the things I was going to say. So I'm just going to reiterate a couple of things that Chip said because I totally agree with you. And I remember when I started my recovery journey, which I guess was like eleven years ago now, which is crazy to think about, but I remember feeling like, Okay, I'm going to all these meetings, going to therapy, meditating, I'm praying, so my life is just going to get easy and good, and like you said, and like we've talked about with Blessing Offer on this podcast, life is going to be life in like life be life in all and the whole reason we're here is to learn all these lessons and to evolve and all this stuff. So it kind of feels like it has to be hard, because if it wasn't, we would never grow.
But when you're in the.
Place of the Oh my god, I just hate everything, nothing's happening, you're defeated or whatever. I just think you're right, Like you just say fuck it, you say fuck it, you like lean into the fucke energy and let yourself be there for a second. I'm not saying go blow up your life, but if that's how you're feeling, I think it's really important to actually let yourself feel those feelings and not try to be perfect and not try to be this perfect student of life where you're like, I'm doing all the right things and it's not working out. Maybe the energy that you need to come with today is just to be fucking mad and like right defeated. Like that's okay. I will say it is also tricky because, like I hear her when she's saying, like all these spiritual people I know are feeling all the things and like they're all struggling. And then it's like if you look outside of that, sometimes you start to compare to people who you don't see that doesn't mean they're not doing it, but that you don't see doing like they're just like living their life as assholes basically, and you're like, how the fuck are they succeeding?
Though?
How do they have all the stuff that I want, and I'm sitting over here I don't have the relationship I don't want I want, I don't have the job that I want. Like, it just doesn't seem fair. And so somebody taught me the trick of like, when you see something in someone else's life that you want, don't compare yourself and feel bad about it, but go, oh, I want that, and put that in your reservoir of like things to build your life after. Like, if somebody has the relationship you want, start, yeah, be like I want that, and like lean into that energy versus like they have that I don't have.
That also is always going to be different to that.
Everybody's path is different. Yeah, But I do think you can take notes instead of comparing yourself and letting yourself feel bad about your life. I think you can take notes of things in other people's lives that you find yourself wanted and just that's that's all it is, is like a oh, I'm feeling like I want to compare to that, or I'm feeling jealous of that. That just means that that's a dream that you have that hasn't come to fruition yet, Right, But yeah, but like if you're on some sort of spiritual or healing journey, you're probably learning how to feel all the feelings and so you're gonna feel the bad ones too. That's like just a part of it. So it's learning how to take care of yourself in those moments. And like you said, go do something that you love, Like, go do something that lights you up. Go treat yourself to something go I don't know, or lay on the couch all day and watch TV for a day, Like don't do it for a month to where you're like losing you know, you're blowing up your life, like I said, But it's okay to let yourself just be for a second and just like do something you want to do, not the thing.
And if that means watching a ton of television, that's okay. And you find that that makes you happier, then there's your answer.
Or you just don't have anything else in than you for the day, like I've had to do that this week, Like I really hate not. I was like, okay, I'm stuck in bed basically in one position, but you know I'll do a bunch of computer work. Well, now I'm on all these pills that like I can't see straight, so I couldn't even think, and I had to really like settle myself into just this place of acceptance of like, this is not going to last forever, this too shall pass. How do I make the best of what's going on right now? And just like lean in? And so I've really tried to lean in to like rest and I can't even really read a book. So it's like I've been watching the show Hacks on HBO. Do you know that I love that show?
Are third season already?
I am on the third season?
So fun gean smart is.
The best.
Yeah, So just find something that brings you joy for the day and know that this is temporary, this too shall pass, and life is just full of ups and downs and good and bad and eventually.
It has to go back up to quote Teddy Roosevelt, the twenty six president of the United States, comparison is the thief of joy. That is true, And trying to find your happiness in comparison to other people's lives is not going to fulfill you. You got to find it within your life, and it's there, you know, it might not just be, It may not be exactly the way that you hope it looks.
But usually if you get out of the way, it's better.
Yeah. I you know, I'm somebody that like presents pretty happy most of the time. But it's like I have my internal demons that I fight with all the time.
You know.
I think people don't like me. I think I'm not welcome in places. I think I'm never going to find love. All of the things, the things that we all think and we worry about. But I'm also like, maybe that is maybe people don't like me. Maybe I won't ever find love. Maybe that is my truth. And that's okay because I'm gonna hopefully I wake up tomorrow and I get another shot at doing it. And and really all you can be is you. And in my last relationship, that was the fight that I used to have all the time, Like I was like, I cannot be anything other than me, and I will not change to make somebody else happy because I have to fight every day to make myself happy. I will change things that I can change that I am doing that are wrong, but I am not going to be something other than me. And if there are parts about me that people don't like, I have to be okay with that. Because otherwise it's a it's a losing game too. It's like because then you then you realize, oh, well, I can change that part of myself to placate that person. But but now this person doesn't like that in me, Like no, fuck that, like either like me or you don't. And you know, I try to bring and have that perspective all the time. But there are good and bad days and everyone has them. I don't care how good their life looks on.
Instagram, absolutely And it's just the corkscrew metaphor always comes back into my mind too, because it's like life is a corkscrew. I want it to be just this uphill climb, but it's just constantly rotating. You know, there's upstairs downs, there's upstairs downs, and maybe it's just a season of some things not playing out. Been there, and sometimes they last a lot longer than you want them to. But you know, you could do we could say the thing of like, well, go right down five things you're grateful for, but that would probably make this person want to punch us in the face. I would imagine when you get to the space of trying, you want to get out of your funk. I do think that that actually helps, Like just I don't know, my dad texts me every morning and he's like, son came up, you know, like it's just we There are things to be grateful for at all times, and you can't feel gratitude and anxiety at the same time. So if you get sick of feeling like you're sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, there are tools like gratitude list and even just connecting with friends and other people that can help pull.
You out of that phone.
Yeah, call an old friend who like you, still love to laugh with.
Yeah, for sure, go do service work. It's the thing you don't want to do. But helping someone else out is always helpful too. So yeah, okay, next question.
Hey, it's Tyler from last Casts.
Again. It's a little awkward, but I'm wondering if you guys have any tips on first degree skin burns. Accidentally burned my penis on a clothing clothing iron. I was trying to, you know, tidy up my shirt for last night, and it kind of looks like someone laid my penis on a grill. It's not very cute. So I'm looking for like maybe some ointment or a salve or you know, just something to make it look a little nicer. Any any help would be very much appreciate it.
This is the problem with me posting on Instagram for listeners to go leave questions, is that our friends chime in and think it's funny to go leave questions like this.
He made this up?
No, he did not.
I did actually get this voicemail and I text him. I'm like, is this serious? And he's like, no, I'm legit serious. That did happen? Can I say something else? I hate the word ointment?
Yeah, sala is kind of gross too.
That doesn't bother me as much as ointment. Why does that bother me so much?
I think ointment is a gross because it sounds wet like drip.
I think it is also a growth ointment ointment Like it's just like a picture someone like pursing their mouth. Really weird and ointment. I don't know, I just don't like it, like how people don't like moist. Yeah, ointment really kind of thing.
Does it sound wet like that or gross? Words? But like, I've never burnt my dick, so I've had obviously minor burns on my skin.
Okay.
Patrol a thin layer of petroleum jelly is good because.
It's just a thin layer.
Though, yeah, well you don't need like, who needs a gob it's just so specific. I just well, because it will. It creates like a membrane to keep back her from being out and it.
Keeps another word, I don't like membrane. I didn't realize it, so you just said it. But not a fan? Not a fan?
How about layer a thin layer of protection from bacteria getting into the burn and it will keep it clean, because that's obviously the most important part is you don't want it your dick to get infected.
That would be a tragedy.
Second of all, let's take our shirts off when we're ironing them. Moving amen, And you might want to you might like, I don't know how bad this burn is, but you may want to consult a plastic position.
Oh, a plastic So you went all the way.
Well, he said it ain't pretty, like we all know Tyler loves his pretty dick. I hope it's not permanent. Unpretty.
Okay, I'm thinking two thoughts right now. Tyler is listening, dying, laughing, and my mom is listening like, who the fuck is Tyler?
And for the record, I don't know if his dick is pretty or not.
But well, thank you for clarifying, because I know that's exactly what our listeners were worrying about during this question. If anyone has burn tips, you can email them to the edge velvidge dot com and we'll pass along to our friend Tyler.
Tyler burn tip a burn tip. I Yeah.
One of the things I will also reiterate that Chip just said is take off your clothes when you're ironing or steaming. Like people on set always ask me, well, can you just hit that with the steamer when it's already on. I'm like, absolutely not. You don't even know because the heat, even from like the actual steam can burn you. So of course be careful out there everyone. Yeah, and then take care of your dick.
Yeah, that's the feedback we are.
I mean, rub as much ointment as you want on it, Tyler.
Okay, a membrane of a thin layer.
Over and over and over again.
Rob ointment on that ointment.
Okay, this is going too far. Let's get to the next question.
This is Dallas calling.
My first question for Killy and Chip. Okay, sex drive in your forties? Why is it all over the place? Half of us are as horny as a fifteen year old boy and the other half couldn't get wet in the water. So why is it all over the place. Obviously we know it's hormones. What do we do about it if we are.
Not feeling it?
How do you still connected to your partner or yourself for that matter.
M tricky, tricky, this is this is a tough one for you to answer.
I would bet well. I mean, look, I am in my forties.
So I guess you did have the low T situation.
Yeah I did. Yeah, I had. I'm on testosterone because I had low tea. And you know, I think sort of my sex drive comes in waves, Like some some days I'm like I'd fuck anybody and everybody, and then there's days where I don't even think about it. I I just pulled up a little, quick, little Google search because obviously I'm not I'm not a sex therapist, but these are some of the things that they're saying. One thing is to practice good communication, which I think, you know, we talk about that a lot, like it applies across good lots of things. So if like you're not feeling it with your partner, communicate that and let them know that it's more about you than them, because then I think you can move to find solutions together. Regular exercise I think helps. And I've noticed that the healthier I've gotten, the greater my sex drive is. And I don't know if that is sort of a hormonal thing or if it's a mental thing that I'm feeling better about myself. So probably there's a confidence thing that comes into that. I think this list says try new things, like if they're you know, maybe your sex life got stale and it is an external force that is affecting your sex drive. Obviously, if she's talking about getting wet, there's that word again. If she's talking about getting wet, that's a physiological thing. But I do think that the mental part plays some part in that. I don't I know, I'm a vagina expert, but I don't know about what it gets away.
I'm sure they have an ointment for that.
Yeah, there's probably annointment to keep it moist. This is this is I like this suggestion create a little mystery. It says a little mystery can fuel sexual attraction, while over while oversharing can decrease desire. So, you know, if I don't know Alice's marital status or relationship status. But you know, like I would imagine like this it might be a little TMI, but like if you're like farting around your you know, like doing unsexy things because you're in a very comfortable situation, that'd be like you become less sexy to your partner and vice versa, Like if your partner's partenering around all the time. So obviously then you know, it says consider medication, So talk to your doctor about it because it could. Like for me, it was like I saw a major change when I started taking testosterone and it wasn't something that I was even aware of until I got like my blood work done. So that can that can that can help. And this says to eat eat certain foods, foods that contain phytogestrins like soy, flax, yams, lentils can help replace lower estrogen levels if that's something that's gone going on in your body. So those are a few tips that hopefully, I mean, I don't know what causes it in the greater population, because I think there's so many external things, Like you know, I don't know where Alice lives. She could live in a really remote part of Virginia, that has two hundred and fifty people, and that would probably make my pussy dry too, you know, like where it's like if if there's no pool to swim in and you've you've had your fun with the people that you would be willing to hook up with, then it's like, God, is my sex life over? And that's you know, a depressing thing. But if you live in a big city where there's a deeper pool to swim in, then maybe go to another bar or a restaurant or something, do something that you've never done before, join a club of like minded individuals, and maybe you'll meet some people that like get your your engine rev. I don't know, like I.
Think those are great ideas.
I mean basically, I'm just going to do the same thing or a second most of the things you said, because I think they were really great. But I know that she mentioned the hormone thing, and so obviously I would say, yes, first things first, go get your hormone levels checked, because you can't really find a solution unless you know what the problem is. So it's like, see what's happening, and if it is something like that, they're actually I mean I've had doctors talk about like medicine for women, but there are a lot of natural remedies for this too. I actually have not checked my hormone levels yet, but there's Moon Juice, which is a company I love. They have this thing called sex dust, and you basically can put it. It's like a little outer. You can put it a scoop of it in your coffee, and basically what it's supposed to do is make you more even throughout the month, which for women, you know, we're all the way up and down all the time, and especially as you get older, if you start going through like perimenopause or things like that. So maybe just keeping things a little more even keel can make it a little more predictable and kind of Also, what I'm feeling is like I just want to get ahead of this, like before things start to dip too low or go too high or whatever it is. I don't really know the exact terminology there, but just to keep things regulated. And if you do that, or if you do check your hormones and there's still no issues, I think your right chip with like maybe it goes into then analyzing what's happening in your relationship actually, like are you still courting each other is your partner, like setting up dates. There are all those things that really do impact our sex drives and we try to pretend like they don't. But when you're in these long term relationships, you have to keep it interesting and do something different, like you said, or introduce toys into the bedroom. There's lots of lubes out there. Susan Bratton's always the one that we like recommend because she literally has an article about everything, every kind of toy you could want, every kind of lube, and we've talked a little bit too about finding the right lube for women like that doesn't affect your pH balance. So Susan's a great one to check out for that for women. Do you listen to the Sex with Emily podcast?
Chev have you ever?
I don't know.
Okay, she's also a great one to follow from a woman's perspective, but she has a great Instagram too and just gives tips like this and talks really openly about sex and different stages of your life. But I mean, if Susan Braddon taught us nothing else, your sex life does not need to be over. If you're in your forties, it's just beginning. It's literally just beginning, So definitely first things first, and then I think Chef you give some really good tips on specifics.
There you go.
Do you guys have any advice for staying true to yourself and holding boundaries in adult friendships, especially when it comes to maybe giving your friend advice on who they're dating or other friendships that they are in that you don't want to open yourself up to be in, Like how do you keep the integrity and the boundaries within yourself and also keep that friendship attack and not hurt that person's feelings or just make it not be awkward when you know, maybe you get invited to something and other people are going to be there and your energy doesn't really click with theirs, or you know your best friend is dating someone and you're like, this is a absolute terrible idea, Like is there a nice way to say that? Or do you just keep it to yourself?
That is a tough one.
It's interesting because I'm sort of grappling with that right now with a friend and I've asked, I've asked this question of some friends to help me sort of approach it, and I haven't yet. But the advice that I've agreed with or that I've like had resonated with me is that you just have to do it and you have to be with you. You have to say something in the kindest way you can because and you have to be willing to lose that friend over it, because if you truly believe that your friend is walking down a path that is bad for them, you are only being a bad friend if you don't say something. But you have to do it with love, and you have to deliver the news, you know, in a loving way, and like you have to make it very clear that you are willing to lose them as a friend because you think that what they are, the way that they are acting, or who they're with or whatever it is, is not good for them. And I think in the long run, your friendship will prevail because people tend to come to their senses and but in the short term, like they might be upset with you and they might not want to hang out with you. But if there's if they're dating someone that you can't stand, you're not gonna want to hang out with them anyway, because they are making a choice to prioritize an awful person over your friendship. So it's probably not going to end well anyway if they stay with that person. So my advice is think of the kindest way to address it and front load it with a lot of love and maybe even with questions like, hey, what is what is going on here? Like I'm really confused by this, Like I love you so much and I just don't get this, and let them put it into their words. And I am scared as fuck to have this conversation with the person that I need to have it with, but I, like, I cannot stop thinking about it. And you know, it's the and I it's not even that like the friend that I want to talk to. I don't even it's a bad person that they're with. It's just I'm seeing them waste their time and it makes me sad, and I the last thing I want is to see a friend waste their time on something. It's like it is literally the book, he's just not that into you. Oh yeah, And I can see it, but my friend can't see it. And so and also maybe I'm viewing their relationship incorrectly. So it's like I'm not gonna know until I bring it up. So I know it's a really really fine line to walk. But I think if you let someone know that you're asking or telling them something because you care about them, then their reaction is on them.
Well, I think, so you're speaking specifically to the if your part, your friend is dating someone that you don't think is good for them. And I think she was giving a couple of examples because more more than anything, it sounds like, you know it's that was the example. And then there's the other one where it's like if you don't want to go to I can't remember what she said, to get together, yeah, with like a bunch of people that don't serve you. And so I agree with you on that most of the time you need to have the hard conversation. And I would also just add to that, like using both those scenarios, I really do think that once you get into adulthood, it's really important to be honest with people about who you are, what you're willing to do, what you're willing to show up for, and setting boundaries too. And so to go to the party example, like you know what's good for you and what's not And if you are not communicating with your friend, your self abandoning yourself and you're like I can't. I don't want to go to this, but uh, you know we've all been there where you're like, uh, I don't really want to go to this, but like you have to, and so you go anyway. And there are some scenarios that I feel like it is the responsible, polite friend thing to do to show up. But I do think you can always have boundaries to be able to take care of yourself, Like you don't have to stay the whole day. You don't have to, you know, you can do it in ways that work with you. And if you feel like it needs to be communicated to your friend, I think you just say the truth, like or say your availability, like I have an hour that I can give you on that day or whatever. You know. Then with the friends and the dating, I mean, it is really tough. But I think there's two things that popped out to me. First, I think you have to ask, though, like is your friend asking you for advice? Because I think there's two lines here, and one is I do think it's really important if you see your friend in a toxic scenario to say that, because we do all get blinders when we're within a relationship. But if it's just a simple case of you personally don't like the person, but your friend is really happy. I don't think that that's the time to say something. I think that's like the time where you have to let them live their life and if that impacts your friendship, it does. But if it's if they're really happy and they're being treated really well and it's just a personal preference. Are they asking you for advice? Are they saying, like, what do you think about so and so?
Or what do you know? What do you think about Tom? Like blah blah blah?
Or are they just living their life and you're gonna butt in and be like, do you really think Tom's good for you? Like the unsolicited advice to me is also they're just a fine line between like communicating because you have true concern or communicating because you just you just don't like the person. You're like uncomfortable in this situation and you want it to go away for that reason. That's controlling and manipulative.
So I don't know.
I do think you just have to ask yourself some questions about your motivation. But I do think that honesty is the best policy. I really do, And you know you can say it kindly and deliver the information with a lot of grace. But if you can't be honest with your friends, like how do you even have a relationship? There's no trust.
There, right, I do? It gets like being honest about those situations, like especially like the example of the party, like it will if you've never been honest about it before and you've just gone, then your friend assumes you want to go exactly. So if you're honest about it and you're like, yeah, I'm just I'm not comfortable around that group. It's not really my thing, like go have a good time, like I am happy to stay home.
To me, let's go grab lunch this day.
And that, then they'll stop. Then they'll start to learn that like when they're hanging out with that group, that they don't need to include you and it's not going to hurt your feelings.
Well totally, you know, yeah, And if they have an issue with it, that's really more about them because at this age, like we just got to be honest with each other. I actually feel like the more I've started setting boundaries in relationship, the more my relationships have grown and my friends trust me more because they know I'm not just doing something I don't want to do ever, like I'm gonna say it, or like they know that if I say yes, or I'm like yeah that sounds fun, I mean that, or if I'm like, uh, I don't know, that's the truth too, But they just know that either way, they're going to get the truth out of me. And I think that makes people trust you more, even if it's uncomfortable.
Sometimes yeah, yeah, I have a my my I'm just gonna put it this way. So it's well, no nobody listens that I would be talking about anyway, but people listen, but none of these people listen. My sister's best friends sister and they're all really good friends, is married to someone that my sister and her best friend fucking hate, like in fact, like her whole family hates this person that sucks, and so it looks like he's not invited to anything, Like he can't come to Christmas dinner, he doesn't go to weddings with her if the family's gonna, I mean, it's crazy, but like she loves she loves her husband. So it was like they've had to like learn to live in this situation. But they also so don't hold back. But they fucking hate them. Yeah, but they don't hold it against her. That's good.
So they're still able to have a friendship and they just kind.
Of keep it separate.
Yeah.
God, it sucks.
I mean that's like the number one thing you want is for your friends and your family to like your partner, you know, Like it really sucks that they don't.
And they've been together for like twenty years. Oh jeez, yeah, and it's.
Been he's obviously happy.
Yeah.
Yeah, man, that is a tough predicament. I would not want to be in it.
Yeah, all right, you guys.
That is all my muscle relaxer brain has time for today.
Energy.
I just say energy.
Oh my god, we're going to be back, you know what. Next week, We're going to be back better than ever, rejuvenated, no back issues, no muscle relaxers. I'm just putting that into the universe. And it's going to be a holiday weekend, so things to get excited about for sure.
Wasn't this weekend the holiday weekend? Oh it's the drugs, guys, we gotta go.
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Gonna be holiday weekend.
Okay, as you guys go into the holiday weekend and you're living on the edge, I hope you always remember too.
Act Casual almost sucked it up. I got it. I was going to do something like back Casual, but
Okay, all right, bye bye
