Explicit

Ep 152: The Boys Go On A DeodoRANT

Published Sep 12, 2023, 10:00 AM

Today, this is what's important:

The TII tour, Texas, school dances, deodorant, Austin & Portland, reality tv, RiffRaff, Newark, Florida, childhood homes, meeting the fans, beards, and more.

Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what is most obviously, very crucially important today on This is Important.

Dude, he's trimming, he's trimming. We should get our naples fears. I j herbal accids.

I heard there's a scientific thing that like when women would smell cool water, clown, they cannot resist.

Let's go, we're back.

I played. Did you hear what I played? Could you hear that? Listen? I learned this this morning. This is my son's toy.

Okay, Well, then shut up and played, Yeah, I'm gonna go take a ship.

Ready, here we go? Please?

Whoa is that a wizard? Sea shanty? Motherfucking wizards? Never die?

Wow?

Yeah, you got it? Played good job, dude.

Oh yeah, you played it flawlessly. You don't tap, we don't dap, We don't dap, we don't die.

Isn't that sick?

Played it flawed?

That's awesome?

Cool dude. I was playing it on the piano and then like my daughter was playing with this, and I was like, let me see that, and I was like, it's so easy.

Hey, give me your toy, Give me your toy for a second. He needs to play go play by the pool.

We've talked about how Kyle produced the whole Purple Magic Wizard album for the most part, right, oh.

Yeah, all of it, well, aside from a critical beat critical beat by Snarf.

Okay, there is a snarf on the beat. There is on the beat We'll see you in Chicago, Snarf can't wait to see Yes, Yeah.

I gotta like I actually gotta send the invites. I gotta get the.

Yeah included and mad Cobras, let's get him out there.

Also, it's back on Spotify. Kyle went through a bunch of rigama roll to get it back on on the Spotify. And I think a Wizard's Purple Magic. Our friends are wizard friends from another realm. Thank you, that produced one of the greatest old time albums. Uh And for whatever reason was taken on Spotify. Kyle was able to.

We don't want to get political. It was political.

I don't want to get charged.

There was an issue with enchantments. It was there was some sort of enchantment issue that we just had to go.

We were cursed. The album was cursed.

Let's get yeah, Yeah, Please explain. Someone gave the album flowers.

Someone cursed it yeah, in the in the other world, and he was like, well, let me go on a question real quick.

But the curse is over and we live again.

Took him fucking years. Actually it wasn't real quick, a long time took him forever.

The spell is over and we live again. Baby, that's right, that's.

Right, gargoyles. Cool, I think, really cool.

That's really cool.

Isn't it cool? Yeah? Well sweet, actually.

Yeah, we'll do it live and who knows, maybe uh, maybe we're going to see the Wizards out on That would be RELLI We're going to well.

Do you think they would.

Let's talk about the second half of dates for a second, because we didn't. We we went through the old the first batch, and then we just a few weeks ago drop the second half of the.

Tour, the new batch.

The new batch going to San Jose, California after my forty Are you kidding me? I might still be really might be hobbling into.

That one San Jose. That's an easy drive.

If I could just put something out to the San Jose Sharks, if we could get the big shark head that you guys skate out of, and we could walk out of that on stage. That would be really cool.

Yeah, Jo Sharks, why don't you do all the promo for our.

Tour, or at least s J Sharky if he could come out, that would be really fucking cool.

We for sure need every mascot for every local sporting team to be at.

Our We are mascot friendly. You could be in the audience on stage. It's up to you.

I think it's fair to throw that.

Yeah, we're mascot friendly. We're also furry friends are if you want to call Furrey free, we're furry and ferbie. If you want to bring your furbie from childhood?

What is a you might be furby is a little talking thing with the eyes, and they.

When they came out, it like they kind of pitched it like it was real ai and you could like talk to it and teach it. But it was for sure like just pre programmed with batteries.

Yeah, it was the hard like the tough item to get one of those Christmas.

They weren't cool when we were kids, or was it after we were children?

It was I have blake, my sister had one.

Yeah, younglings, younger sibl and Adam, you you were just fucking stone throwing batteries.

I had a younger sibling. I don't remember for well, Britt didn't want to, Okay, I don't remember for bees. I remember them being a thing. I cannot even picture it. It kind of looked like a gremlin. Didn't look like.

They look like Gizmo.

Yeah, they look a little bit like it looked more like a magua with a beak gizmo. I'm sure there was lawsuits out the wazoo guys.

And wazoo also means you know what.

I don't, but we'll talk later. What does wazoo mean when you.

Lick the tank?

Oh?

And you guys know where that is? Whoa?

And then uh, Grand Prairie, Texas at the Texas Trust see U Center.

So we did get some Texas dates.

Dude, I can't wait to go to Texas.

Oh hell yeah yeah?

Where is Grand Prairie?

Hell yeah, Prairie.

I don't know.

We're about to find out looking it up.

We're gonna learn and then we're never gonna ever not know again.

In one ear out before we go to these cities, like morning of, I'm going on Wikipedia, I'm pulling up facts. I'm gonna know the population segment the town we're in.

Okay, so it's in it's in Dallas, so it's outside of Dallas.

Ship.

You're really fast. I thought I was going really fast.

You've got it, Dallas rocks.

And for people who are like, why aren't you in Dallas, Robert, we booked this ship kind of last minute because we need to cram it in and get the buck out there to see you guys. And some of these venues are taken.

Yeah, it's a it's a big suburb of Dallas. I think if you live in the Dallas area.

Yeah, it's actually it's like closer to the airport.

That's right.

We're actually positioning these all closest to the Buzzball distribution centers as we am because it comes down to how many and how quid.

Our merch game is going to be kind of tight. We're gonna have some really cool shirts. Yeah, I'm pretty stoked on that.

Yeah, dude, dude, we just got so a lot of people used to complain about our old classic this is important our faces on the T shirt, But now the resolution is so good. Oh my god, this ship is fire. Dude.

I'm not gonna commit to anything.

And then beyond that, we have other different types of T shirts, right, have a little assument, yeah, and different hooded sweatshirts and all kinds of cool ship for you guys today if you want to, you know, T I Nation stands strong. I mean, admittedly it would be kind of cool if you if because some of these are like kind of deep cut podcast reference to just be wearing that out in the world and have another T I I Nation fans at you and be like you immediately know you're gonna be friends with that guy.

Hey, what's up grandma?

Yeahs, and then we're gonna mose you on down to Austin.

Okay, let's get weird. Let's get weird as.

I want to go to Austin. How long are we in Austin for? Because I do want to play some pickleball in Austin and I hear it's great down there.

Yes, And also what about that little surf spot that that mentioned us in the oh.

That it looks like we'll have a day off uh after Dallas, so we could probably go straight to Austin and have a day off in Austin.

We do.

I do kind of want to hit that wave up. I do want to try that way Wellstin Blake, you have to get that for the sound board.

That's number one. Yeah, I want to get that. There's like a Austin serf spot.

I don't know if I still can serve. Holy shit, Oh.

Dude, we have to do that. I think that would be so fun on our day off, just trying to freaking shred Austin.

Let's do it.

Let's do that.

Let's definitely do that, and then like not even do the show.

I want that.

I want that for you guys.

Yeah, I want that for you guys. It's in Waco, Texas, So.

It's in Waco. It's in Wacos so it's probably really really far away wake.

I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know Texas that well. But my guess is that's thirty three hours away. That's a thirty three hour drive and somehow still in Texas.

Yeah, Texas is Bigas.

Is really big.

Still going to send it.

We're doing two dates in Texas because it's a gigantic down there.

Texas is big. Is it two or is it three?

We might have another there. What about sugar Land?

Sugar Land, Oh yeah, yeah, that's for the four.

Oh my god, god, the Damn.

Remember when everyone was bitching about how we're not going to Texas and they were giving a ship. I'm like, just wait, just wait.

People say, don't mess with text this, We're messing with them.

We're messing with whole bunch to mess mess the text.

Oh hook them horns?

Oh dude, wacos on the way to Austin. Okay, it's on the way driving.

Okay, maybe swing, maybe working through.

Let's just take zz Top's tour and then copy it.

Okay, okay, well what you're doing already this one, So we're not going to change Texas tour they make zz top? Can we spin guitars?

And absolutely we can do whatever we want.

Dude, they had hell the animals I think on their tour. Didn't they travel with a ton of fucking animals on their first tour?

Zz Top?

Yeah, I think they fucking did. I think they were nuts.

Well, I'm and I'm a little bummed that we couldn't just with routing and with scheduling, we couldn't do the Carolinas, which I really wanted to go to. North Charleston is my home away from home.

You got Carolina on your mind.

And we also couldn't do New Orleans, which, uh, you know, being the King of Bacchus Parade this year in New Orleans. It was a missed opportunity. I hope they don't revoke my crown, but I will be coming.

Do you not know that I was the Joker of sugar Land?

Yeah? I guess I didn't.

You didn't know about that? I mean, I don't like to just go on the podcast and talk about my achievements outside of swimming.

So Austin, Texas, what are we going to do there? Oscar Blake? I'm looking at Blake.

I know that he We're going to watch Kyle play.

I'm not gonna watch Kyle play pickle ball.

No I on him now, though you can bet on pickleball, now that's big news.

I can't move flatterally or even walk far distances, so I'm I'm mostly going to be parking my fat ass.

I haven't been to Austin in a while because of COVID and all that, and like south By Southwest, I haven't been in a minute. There's so many good bars on what is it Sixth Street?

Right?

Like, yeah, sixth Street.

Shakespeare's was one of my favorite I hope it's still around. It's gotta be well.

I just went to that TV festival for The Righteous Gemstones just a couple of months ago, the at X Fest. Yeah, and that's where we're premiered season three of The Gemstones. And we went out that night and we went to like a true honky tom It was yeah, aciate that word. I was like, oh, this is tight.

Oh cool, dude.

There's a I think there's a place called the it might be called the white Horse. It's kind of off the path.

White Horse honky Time, I think.

I think that was okay.

Yes, So I went to south By Southwest and it was I went to the Thrasher Party. There's this this bar I think it's called yellow Jack Kids that's has like mixed dakers and Margarita's and shit, I take it that's super super sick. And then we went to white Horse and it was some of the best fucking country honky talk shit I've ever been to. Like people were dancing, like the vibe was fucking cool.

Yeah, okay, it was tight.

It was like people were like truly like line dancing. Yeah, line dancing, honky talk Dan.

I would love to get into a line deal, cwan your partner, Round and round brother.

I would love that, and everyone from like it was cool because it wasn't just twenty two year olds or it wasn't just only old people. Yeah, the vibe was it was a nice mix of like generations of people just throwing down.

Yeah that's sick.

And I drank a lot of tequila and drank a lot of Lone Star because you got to baby, Oh.

Yeah it was mine. Mine.

Dancing isn't hard. It's not that hard, is it hard? I've never done it in like the wild.

I think you just got to kind of know the moves and then you could do it, you know.

Yeah, it's all about knowing the.

Can you just look at.

Somebody, you can just like get in line and then that's.

How it's built.

Right What line dancing? Do you guys know nothing?

The electric slide?

You don't know the electric slide?

No, you don't know the electric slide?

No, I don't know.

I've been to a few Filipino weddings and they get down on that ship. They get down onlin where Filipino weddings go crazy for that ship.

So like, besides the electric slide, what is an I don't know the names.

They're all they all kind of look the same. You just got to watch like the coolest grandma at the party and she will know every movie.

Well, that's like the whole line you.

Grandma looking at Lola baby.

Yeah, I know it's happening.

Yeah, what what I was there? There was this guy that was like teaching women how did line dance? And he kept trying to get me to dance with him to learn line dancing maneuvers with it?

Did you not?

So I fucked him?

And that's a bad thing, isn't that the whole point? Did he get behind you? Yeah, that's that's what That's like what I he did?

He was he was grabbing my hips and try and.

That's what I want to do.

That's what I'm wondering.

So it's gonna be fine if you if you want to participate in a line of dance.

I know I know a guy.

I know a guy Kyle.

If you can grape vine right and you can grape vine left, you're gonna be joke.

I can actually do that.

Gonna be just fine.

I can probably dip too, But I do not know this electric slide?

What is the electric Can you demonstrate its every it's electric.

Wait did you guys not go to I'm the only person who for sure did this like any wedding. No, well that but as a teenager or not teenager, like a yeah, like a middle schooler. We went to this thing where you learned how to do like formal dancing, and you wore like a little blazer and then like the girls wore like little dresses and you learned how to like.

You're you're from a different world than we are. It's called katillion, right.

Yeah, I think you're talking about soups.

It was called katillion.

That's like a southern thing or rich people.

They called it fortnightly. Fortnightly.

What are you talking about? I truly have no.

That's some country club ship. We don't know we're we're from. I mean, you guys are water trash. I'm a dirt person.

So this is where.

Yeah, he's country club chic. You guys are water trash. I'm a dirt person.

To put on a little navy blazer and some khakis. The girls that wear white gloves, it was it was. It sounds cool you wear like aftershave. As an eleven year old, you'd be putting on like after shave and stuff.

The hell, okay that sounds.

Do you remember you remember when you first I remember hearing, and I think we've covered this, hearing that cool Water cologne had afrodisia acci in it, and that's what women would like, girls would want to them. They couldn't help themselves if you put some of this.

Well, I don't think it. I just thought. I don't think I knew about afrodij I just knew the cologne.

Was like the way Adam's out here breaking the bottle in his dick, and I just knew.

And I smelled my dad's cologne. I got horning as fuck. No, I heard it was like a scientific thing. Yeah, I heard it was a scientific thing that like when women would smell cool water colone, they cannot resist. It's something biological. So I doused myself and this shit. I was so smelly from like fourteen to seventeen until I realized it's just the way. It didn't work.

I can remember taking cologne to like camp and having the little bottle break and.

All of my clothes just doubted.

Brute or whatever it was happened, you know what.

I want to bring back The first deodorant I ever used was Brute, and I want to start using brute again because that shit is for men only.

Do you see it in the store. It doesn't exist, dude.

I feel like everyone just just used what their grandfathers. Like. We just used what our dads used, and our dads used with their dads used, so like the.

Way and that explained America.

My grandfather did old spies.

Oh dude, it was speed stick I had.

Anything else is unlized.

My grandfather did old spies, but old spies used to be like.

Your grandpa was a fucking savage bro. He used old spices.

No, it used to be like for old people, it's old spies. It's like this old thing.

Really, it was in the title did he used swagger?

And then now it's like mindsets like Swaggerhound on it or some ship.

I'll take old spice swagger.

Chloe's like I need to get your died or what kind of is it again? And I'm like, it's a old spice, Swaggerhound, pure sport or whatever.

It's old spice but naked touchdown. It's yah, I got it, got it. It's the smelebration. Yeah, I mean they've they've they've rebranded. It almost seems like that's the only deodorant. Like the commercial blitz is intense, Like if you look at I guess that's what gods has this moment. But like, if you're a kid, what else do you even know to buy besides Old Spices based on all the commercials?

Yeah?

True?

What do you guys think? How did they get the branding of old Spices? So Okay, there's a ship on the logo, so they're saying like they're bringing spices from the like the old world. Do you think that the you know, the first deodorant Old Spice ever made was like way back in the day, made with some like really crazy spices from like some Actually, before I answer, what do you think?

No, I want to hear more.

When did old Spice start? Because the branding is off the chain. It makes me think it's been around forever.

So the history of old Spice was inspired by his mother, this guy named Schultz.

Oh, she was an old spicy bitch.

His mother had potpourrie, and he named the fragrance early American old spice oh to smell like his mother's potpourrie.

Well, why is there a ship? The ship makes me think it's Spices.

Because it's early American. So you think of big ships.

When I think early American, I think Model t Ford.

You're talking branding versus origin.

So that was nineteen thirty seven, so they're thinking, oh, that's hey, we got it, we got it. Why does that suck?

You know? He said, is that sus?

Sus? You say, suser sucks that sus?

Why does it?

Why does that sus?

Why is that old spy? They have a ship because they will and it's sane spice. So what do you think of when you see a ship and spice?

But you're talking about you're talking about origin. You're talking about origin versus branding. H Right, like I had always have a ship on it. I don't know if it had a ship on it in nineteen thirty seven.

But even if it did, who fucking cares, it's still branding.

You know what they're playing there? You know what they're playing into. Talk to me old Spice with the ship. It's like spice track because actually spicy track, I have.

No idea why you're planting your flag.

Tray trade trade.

He's talking about the spice trade Blake, Yes they are, but what's the problem with that, But this.

Is from nineteen thirty seven.

That's obviously past the spice track.

Yes it is.

Where are we going with this?

He's just getting fake riled up right now. Blake Is is digging out kind of.

Pissed because if they're gonna call it swagger.

Hound, and they're just calling it Swaggerhound now the rebranding to get.

The youths swagger hound, it's just swag.

Hell yeah, unless they're importing the swagger key import swag key outport. I can't remember the exact dialogue, but we're called.

You're talking workaholics, now, yes you are.

So.

Initially it was they it was a woman's fragrance, okay, and then they it was a woman's fragrance. It didn't sell that well.

It was a woman's fragrance.

Then in nineteen thirty eight they pivoted to men's fragrance. It started to spell us so little bit. And in the mid century they started to expand and evolve and they were it was really starting to sell very well. Then they were brought up by Procter Gamble. They made that big money in nineteen ninety for Mucco Deo.

Oh yeah, that's when they got me, and then.

They rebranded again as the man your man could smell like and I don't even know what that means.

That's fucking weird. That's like the dude you want to fuck. Your dude can smell like him.

Dude, that's horrible. Wow, this smell the man, your man can smell like. And they're like, I want to fuck him at least.

But our deodorant smells Our deodorant smells like Ryan Goslin's dick.

So, especially in the nineties, it was for it was for old people. It was like, yeah, this is like what grandfathers wear. In the nineties, and then in the early or in the late two thousands, Old Twice Underwinness significant rebranding campaign, The brand aimed to shed its image as a product for older men and appeal to a new assault was a series of viral marketing campaigns that used humor and absurdity to create Believe Eric commercials.

Yeah, tim Eric.

Warehunty, Timothy high Decker, you've been rangoed.

By the way, Sign me up. I would love to do an old I'd love to be a swagger hound for old spies.

Come on now, did oh no?

Yeah, Adam is the man that you want to smell like a man of No.

I'm the one that like, there you're my My wife looks at someone else and be like, I wish, I wish I could fuck him, and I'd be like, you can't, but you could smell me while you fuck me, and then I'll smell this on.

Just rubbed the odor in all of your nuts.

Sure, put your face in my armpit.

Well, I rail you.

It's so cool to have a peek behind the curtain of your mariage, Adam, thank you for.

That. Which brute, I'm sorry, I'm going back.

I was a brute guy because my dad was a brute guy. And then I think that ye, brute was the thing. Old spice just got me an old spice smells really good, and now you can't find brute. I guarantee you. The old spice people were like, we need to take brute out.

Old spice should make a flavor called brute, and it should smell like brute, and it should be in green.

I bet that that sounds lost.

Suit city is brute even in who made brute polo?

If bruits, if Bruit's not a thing, if Brute's not around. If Bruit's not on the shelves anymore, this is pretty game. Okay.

What was on the thing for Brute though, Blake, are you cool with them? By the way, what are you talking about? Like it's got to have the thing from the SNA.

Brute is for sure for sale.

Had a polo player on it shirt, but like, I don't know if people were playing polo.

But this is what I was saying, because Brute was green and square, Polo was green and square.

It still is. It's for sale right now. You could buy it at Amazon right a Target.

What you can get Brute in a in a cylinder or a roll on or what.

Yeah, you could get it in all different sizes.

Awesome, Yeah, awesome.

I'm trying to let you guys in on my mind here. Like Brute and Polo, they were both the same green they still are.

Are we getting Brute tonight together? Should we meet in Wess Hollywood and get some Brute. I'm like an arm and hammer guy.

I would do some brute.

Bro. You know you're an arm and hammer guy because you're like a stinky old refrigerator.

Yeah, you're an arm and hammer. You use arm and hammer?

Do you it's like a white body with a yellow head. It's like baking soda. Army Hammer, Wait you have you use? Army Hammer eats.

Odor eating.

It eats them alive. It ties up your arm hit sweat and fucking bangs it and eats it.

Oh my god, it eats it's heart. Yeah, eats your heart.

I watched I feel like I watched that documentary on like Disney, so it's gotta be real.

What documentary the Army Hammer one? Oh on Disney.

What's such? Is he was a big Workolics.

Yeah, there's no, that's not what sucks. That's not what sucks.

That's a that's part of the No, that's the worst. By watched the whole documentary, did you? I doubt you did.

Now that think about domedy bridges a lot of things. Man is true.

That's in the documentary.

Yeah, there's a whole chapter of him and Weyman.

That was like I was like, I was sick. I was like, Oh, he's a big Workoks fan, we should work with him again.

And then he is.

Then his text talks about uh, like eating girls and wants to like fillet them and ship.

Yeah, he's like, dude, By the way, did you see uh durs comes in handy. I'd love to try that.

Yeah.

What the crazy part about that documentary, the arm and Hammer UH documentary was like his grandfather was a Russian spy and was like, that's why you told me?

And what I mean?

Did you watch it? Did you watch the whole thing? Yes?

I did, of course.

Yeah, it was cool.

It was cool.

Like his history of his Uh family was like, yeah, they.

Were all vampires.

They were vampires.

Grandfather was a Russian spy that rolled with Reagan. He was like Reagan's homeboy and they he'd like go to the White House and visit him and ship old War era and he all of his phones were tapped, so he would like get these guys and I'm not saying if he had Reagan in his pocket, but his thing was extortion, and he would get people to say things on his top phone and then would extort them and say, well, you have to do what I want because I had your voice saying.

Trickle down, a little trickle down. Yeah, it's an interesting family.

I'll stream it.

And by the way, I was like, my grandpa didn't do ship.

My grandpa wore brute.

My grandpa should have been extorting more people. My grandfather was just a mail man. I'm like, you didn't extort anybody good the mailman man.

I think I'm ready to I'm ready to go to brute. I'm looking at all these different kinds of brute you can get. It's good.

It does smell like a barber shop, right, like, I can't remember kind of I used to wear it to junior high and I never got one compliment from a girl. As soon as I switched the old spice, chicks were like, that's when you have swagger. Old spice is a better Yeah, you're Are you a swagger hound or really?

Do you remember when you started smelling girls? Stop when they would start rocking but old? When girls started rocking herbal Essences and it was like the most Oh yeah, super fragrance. Do you remember the commercials? Of course, of course they like this commercials epic dude.

Oh yeah, that got me right.

I just said jo to herbal Essence commercial.

I bet you Blake, Blake didn't. I jerked off pretty predominantly to porno Blake. I guarantee who was jerking off to all things non pornobal commercials. I got thirty seconds to he like takes a girl's sweater and steals it.

Really Yeah, well you could take the herbal Essence commercial. You could think about it and run in the bathroom real quick.

No, this was like in the day of VCR. You could hit record real quick at the end of the cammeal fucking herbal s You just rewind that ship when they're going.

Oh, you did have a VCR in your room and you could do that ship this technology, ship herbals.

My point was in that era, if you sat behind somebody who used herbal Essences, like in class, like it was what it was like what girls smelled like for like six years. There wasn't like another smell.

Well, batho body Works was was that's what every girl smelled like, bath and body Works. And I truthfully hated it.

I don't even know it Like ship. It sucked.

It was way too flagrant, fragrant, way too fragrant, flagrant, fragrant, flagrant.

My man talking about flagrances.

Flagrant fragrant, did I say flagrant? I said, it's the same word.

Just it isn't. This is two different words and flagrant Okay. Shout out to Sean Clemens podcast flavorant Ones.

Kyle definitely frozen. The weirdest look Junkin.

I'll take a picture of that, Kyle. Oh, he's gone, He's gone, God damn it.

Chunkin.

Yeah, it smells strong, but that's kind of what you want when you're in middle school.

It was too much for me. I remember my girl. I asked my girlfriend to not use it. I'm like, it's too it's too much.

You were the first person to say can you not?

Yeah?

I was like, this is just just wash up?

Can you not?

I feel like Bed Bathroom Beyond was like the same era as like, what was it.

Not bed Bathroom Beyond? You're thinking of bathroom body works?

And then what was the bath and body works?

Blakes Blake, that's all the girls from his high school smell that bas mats and.

Yeah, just comforters, pillows, no doubt.

What was the the candle shop that used to go off.

Yankee Yankee candles?

Yeah, Yankee candles. I feel like those were twin mall stores.

Yeah, what is that?

It was just a candle shop that Like, I.

Feel like we hung out in a lot more malls than you did. It was. It was a lot of hanging out in malls.

I was in the streets.

You were spray painting things in the streets, the streets.

Of the country.

Cut in the streets.

Yeah, the well manicured, very well paid, well paved, well manicured lawns.

No, a lot of speed bumps, slow down, a lot of tiki torches.

Portland, Oregon, that's where we're heading after Austin, Texas.

I got family there.

Portland. I mean we maybe we leave the de order in a home because Portland can get like kind of stanky. That's what I like about Portland. It gets a little funk.

Yeah, they need some brute Yeah, I love Portland. I haven't been in Portland in a while.

And those are dueling keep Austin weird, keep Portland weird cities. Who was first?

Yeah, we got to see who's the weirdest, who's the weirdest? Yes, I would like to go, and then we will be the judge who lamed weird first. That's the question. I think Austin, Dude, I was gonna say, it's gotta be awestome.

I thought Portland.

But Oregon is already well kookie.

Kind of weird, whereas like Austin is like the weird part of quote unquote weird part of Texas, you know, Portland.

Is the same vibe where they're like, well, what are we saying weird? Like liberal in a also kind of conservative states.

Just keep Austin liberal. I mean that's what it is, right, It's yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a little more accepting.

Yeah, that's like cool. You want to you want to pierce those come on in here, let's go.

Weird is just acceptance. That's what's cool about weird is just it just means you accept people.

It's just just like girls with sectum what do they call that sect symptum?

Deviated septums?

You know, with the scene right there, I feel like every girl in Austin and Portland has one of those a septum. And that's what keeping it weird is it's just having the nose piercing soul.

It takes maybe dude, while we're there. I know Kyle's not here to speak for himself, but he should definitely get that piercing a septum, piercing.

The sense that like the centaur or not the centaur, what's the fucking bull ring the minotaur?

Do we all get that? For the Austin Portland run? And then we can just take them out.

I love that idea.

And when you go first, I'll be right behind your potential.

Let's go.

How quickly does it heal up?

If?

Because I do not want a hole in my nose.

Never, No, you never. You always have a thing there.

Yeah, because think of all the dudes who do like massive amounts of coke and their septum, just like dissipates, just disintegrates some blake. I think that's a major thing about coke. Dudes who do a ton of coke is the middle of your nose, you're sept You're right, it disappears.

It could be a women too, hey or them things. Anyone could do tons of coke blake, any human beings keep it Austin weird. Yeah, but so that heel it doesn't. It's not like your ear where the hole will close up after after a while it doesn't. But even then it doesn't fully.

It still looks like you had like a zip that you pop the turn into a scar, like when someone has like a nose piercing.

But it's like fully up in your nose, right, I don't want it on the outside. I'm talking about the bull ray.

Yeah, that shit is sick dude. If you do that, I will be so hyped on you.

I think we all need to. I'm not gonna be the I don't like it. I think you go first. You go first, a big old doing first, inspire mile second.

I'll go first. If you guys promised to also go.

I'll go as soon as you go first, Kyle go second, then I'll go third.

And then I'll or or nipple piercings either either we all get. We have to get some kind of piercing.

In Austin, we're piers I.

Feel like, dude, I feel Kyle is going to be come back fully pierced. He's you know, he's gonna have two nipple piercing. He's gonna have a tongue ring, just bored out of his mind, tongue ring at the because we're going to be drinking at night, and Kyle doesn't drink, and so he's just gonna be getting more and more piercings.

He's just fully tatty.

So that's Portland's Portland we're getting here sings.

I hope that. And then we go to the parent beautiful Paramount Theater and I looked up this theater in Oakland, California. It is beautiful, dude. That is a pretty pretty theater.

Yeah, and we just talked about Oakland the other day. It's got a real swagger.

Oh, I'm very excited.

That's just the way.

Yeah, real swigger.

That's that you want. You looking for some spices that are old. There's moles spice there, pal.

Yeah, and that's up to our Bay Area boys to uh, to help us sell that bad bitch out we are bay Area.

Yeah, no problem, trust me. There's gonna be a lot of people from Clayton Valley there representing come on, let's go, and also my mother and my stepdad and Leilani from my mom's work.

I want people that went to high school with you to come out. We're doing like, uh, we're gonna do like questions to the crowd kind of thing where you can write a question and we'll read it at the on stage. I want people that went to high school with you to just not even ask questions, but just to tell me how.

How you really were, what I really remember. That's also what I want. I feel like, let's do that in Chicago, Let's do that in Oakland, and then let's do that in Omaha.

No one from my high school was coming out to see me, But I love the idea.

What I really remember is the way he smelled, like like my grandpa with this brute deodorant in Polo Cologne.

Yeah I want that.

Yeah.

I'm sure people who I went to high school have sent some cards up that say this guy did with this and that.

Yeah, Oakland's gonna be crazy.

They're just all going to talk about like, yeah, he was like he had really fucked up teeth, He had like these giant, thick glasses. He had a major glow up after after high school.

I guess that's fine.

Yeah, and now your hottest fuck dude. Now you're the hottest one out of all of us, guaranteed.

Actually really cold. Did they see its blasting in this room?

So Oakland, and then we get Mosion down to beautiful sunny San Diego at the Civic Theater of the Pacific Theater, and San Diego is always a good time, dude. We always throw down, always saying we've done it.

We should we dress up like Marvel characters like his comic con or what what should we do?

That's a great idea. You go first, Adam, will go third, I.

Feel like that might endear me to the Marvel.

That's true. You guys have beefs the way.

Yeah. I had a real dust up with Marvel where I was sort of taken out of context about me saying that they ruined comedies. Blah blah blah blah.

How could that be taken out of context?

I stand by what I said. I stand by what I said. But you know, they get those Marvel fans get real riled up. So I am going to dress as. Uh what's a good Marvel character to dress as? I don't know. I feel like I'm the thing.

For sure thing Puck, which one's put he was on Alpha Flight. He's really cool.

San Francisco, Oh yeah, real world San Francisco.

Yeah, and also real world dress up like MTV real Was Puck the.

One that like slapped that girl? No, that was Seattle. That's Seattle, remember, But.

Then it turns out, sorry, was she bipole?

No, Puck didn't anybody.

He put his finger in the peanut peanut.

Butter after he picked his nose.

And then told him to go die. He was like, you've got aids, why don't.

You go die?

And then he was like how cool.

Is it that reality TV was so new at that point that all of us were watching the exact same show and can remember dumb little things from you.

But you know what, it also was weird. It was like the first time you were like introduced to like gay people, like on your TV, like being gay living like truthfully, like out loud.

I had one strutting around the house.

But yeah, for sure, yes I did.

I didn't have a gay brother, but yes, you had a gay bro just rutting.

A lot of Madonna coming from the third floor.

But it was like, oh shit, this is this is fucking cool. It was a great introduction to like all walks of life. That's why real world was fucking cool. It was the real world.

Maybe I'm not gay, but my girlfriend is. That's a really deep cut. I don't remember very well.

By the way, I read some comments on uh our like I was watching Family Feud a little clip of it, and I read some of the comments and every every girl was like, uh, Jersey's brother is the hottest. Oh my god, he's so fucking hot. So if you ever wants to jump ship and try to fuck girls for a while, I think he would have a legion a legion of ladies.

I think that's how it works for a lot of gay guys. A lot of gay guys are found attractive by women and.

Swaggerang, we got cool, we got swagger and the hounded, let's gool lucky.

Yeah. Well that's what it is is they know that they're not going to fuck up, so they could throw out that they can hound all that swagger, that that Jeremy what is his name, Alan White?

But just say the bear guys, Jeremy Alan?

Why the bear guy?

Uh?

Okay? So San Antonio, Texas, Oh damn, spur me, baby. If I've spent too much time in San Anto, and I don't think I've spent a lot of time in San Antonio.

I've never been.

We gotta go.

I want to go the river Walk.

Oh I have been to San Antonio and I did walk the river walk. Now that you mentioned it, is it cool?

Hey, let's go.

Walk along the river.

It's pretty cool.

Yeah, it'll beach.

We had something like that in Los Angeles that was a little bit more central outdoorsy, and yeah, because we do have the beach, but that it's so one side of the city.

That's why you got to move here, buddy, ye move over to the beach.

Uh it's such as fucking zoo though. Yeah, yeah, true, you know.

And then and then all of our parks in LA, like Running Canyon is just covered in dog shit.

Yeah it smells like dog pass so bad.

Yeah, just every dog in the city just goes there to take just giant dumps and then no one picks it up, like we need a riverwalk, San Antonio, We're coming to you, baby, sugar Land Texas.

Is that sugar Lynn, sugar Lind sugar Land brought to you by sugar Land. What's your last name? Sugar Lin Beard?

Yep, who would say? And who's in Mike and Dave Ney wedding. It's me very funny actress.

Game Overman fights and also in Game Over.

Man that is correct and also in the package. Yes, so we're outside of Houston, Texas, So sugar Land is essentially Houston, Texas.

Oh, I can't wait, dude. If we don't go to the fucking screwed up click like DJ screw Store, that's gonna be so.

Uh huh yeah, Candy Paine dripping trunks waving.

So if we don't, that's going to be so cool or do you want to go there?

No, we have to go.

We know we have to go. We have to go to screwed up records that would be so insane for it.

And do we get as a special guest? Do we try to reach out to Kelly Rowland and Beyonce and try to get them to re unite? And the other one?

I say, we aim for them and we land on Riffraffer or somebody else from Houston? Right?

I don't think Riffraff lives in Houston anymore.

No, he's a Vegas boy, but he's a he's from Houston. No, right, yes he is.

It seems like he should be. I watched Red Rocket the other night. Did we talk about that? I had not seen it? It was it was a good movie.

I really liked it.

Rid Rocket was the the Simon Rex.

Yes, just when you thought we were done talking about Simon Rex. Yeah, we never ever.

And then we're in Huntington, New York. And I think that's a little upstate? Is that correct? Hey? All? Like for sure better than like none of us have looked up any of this.

That's something about this tour for us.

We're like, just WHOA one of our producers if I may. One of our producers just said, Riff Raff went to my high school. Yes, haha, I don't understand. I don't know what's funny. That's very cool.

I bet there's a lot of stories about that guy.

Was he at high school with you at the same time?

I doubt it.

I think he's around ten years older.

I think he's a lot older.

But what is the legend?

What is it?

Yeah? Oh, Long Island? Okay, that's right. Yeah, Huntington, New York is uh is in Long Island. We're very, very excited about Long Island Home Day Los Soul.

Yes, it's gonna go off, baby, Strong.

Island is what a lot of people say.

And Becca, our producer, saying that you wasn't in school at the same time, but he is beloved. So yeah, obviously obviously for sure, let's get Riff, Let's get Raff out there.

Uh.

Then we're going to New York, Newark, New Jersey, which I haven't really thrown down in Newark before. I would love to get my new work on. Get your Sopranos.

Oh hell yeah?

Yeah?

Hell is that where Sopranos took place?

Yeah?

I think so, my crazy yeah, I think you're right, yeah, just just just right across.

Let's all wear soon.

And we got to get to the bottom of Newark Newark because like, what what's going on? Like obviously new York is right there, and with somebody like this is better, I'm gonna start calling it Newark and they were like, good.

Luck with that, or or if like someone just misspoke and they're like yeah, from Newark and the right and then Nework and they're like yeah, guys, meant say new York. And then they're like, well, this is what the city's called now too late.

We wrote it down. Ben Franklin wrote it down.

It's it's things like these that drive me crazy, where like it's suddenly nuts, now we have to call this place Newark. Like people still still say Indians about people like indigenous peoples of North America very soon, when the basis of that is that a dumb ass thought he was going to India, landed here in North America and was like, yeah, these are Indians now, and we still say that.

I will say that that's the one hundred percent what's happening with Newark, New Jersey. That is one percent.

The exactly what I'm saying is where's it come from. It's actually the same guy. It's Christopher Columbus. He fucking stopped in Newark. He's like, I think I'm in New York And then that guy was.

A fucking moron.

Dude, what's happened Christopher Columbus?

Fuck you like a bozo?

Okay, Wow, some blake's gonna be eating alive.

Yeah, no, fucking strong strong take.

I'm sorry.

I love Italian people, Spanish.

And then we're going to.

Okay, New York, New York City, New.

York City at the beautiful Beacon Theater. That's a big, bad bitch. I'm really excited for New York. That's going to be a bag.

I've heard things about that one, yes, yeah, and we've.

Had great times in New York together. I'm excited to uh, probably have a really great dinner, probably go out that night.

What's the hit up?

Some cool die bars? I like Josies is a cool die bar.

I feel like that show is going to be like just Kyle doing an Alicia Keys set where it's just Kyle and a piano and then we're kind of like in the background a little bit, but it's just Kyle.

Just let me.

Want to sell that. We want people to show up.

If you're listening in your concern, I think it's gonna be Kyle in a piano, isn't explaining his hard out, and we're gonna be kind of very funny.

Admittedly that Alicia Keys song rocks Wow, dude, that's her and jay.

Z right, yes, and then Kyle's going to do that. He's gonna do Rihanna run this town like Kyle. That's Kyle's night.

So okay, all right, well I might I might top to also be there, and I think you're going to be there, and and Dere's is going to be there, and maybe but it might be a lot of Kyle and piano. It could be.

I might even say it can't be.

It could be, or it could be kind of what you expect with the podcast. Uh okay, most of us talking about our butttholes. I don't know if we're going to take a departure for the New York show. Also, it might be Kyle and a piano.

Piano in Kyle inside of a piano after playing half of a song man you stupid.

Maybe that's Newark. I don't know, But show up and see if it's just Kyle and a piano.

Well, let's have every we save that for Ben Salem. Pa. I like every like Ben Salem. I feel like there's a bunch of times.

That's Philly, that's basically Philly.

Is that right?

Is that right?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, that's like our Philly date.

I got some family that told me that They're like, this is what you think Philadelphia was, And I was like, I don't know. We're just we're just going on the road. Wow, dude, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't know. Also, people think that like we chose each city, what how we chose.

Oh no, I chose Bensalem.

How we chose uh the venues or the places that we're going to is these are the places with the highest concentration of TII Nation.

Listeners for sure, really absolutely So this.

Is how they booked it is they looked at the list of where our biggest markets are and they're like, Okay, well book chose there, and that's.

Why we can't help it if we're suburban Commando.

So if you are like, why aren't you coming to Florida? There's not enough people that listen to the podcast in Florida. You guys are on some other shop.

That's crazy because I have so much love for Florida. The fact that they don't listen, I'm a little.

Pissed they don't love you. I think I think it's pretty resoiuned they don't love you.

Favorite city, favorite city.

In Florida, Naples, Florida.

Where are you?

Please? Shout me out?

We should get our Naples.

We would have to.

And also the West Florida. I would love to do a Key West day.

That would be I would love to Key West.

Yeah.

Key West seems seems like it's a very cool place to just uh maybe go missing. I've been.

It's great. It's a great time.

Yeah, that's for sure. What's what would happen there? One of us would never come back.

Oh, it's an amazing time.

Where did he go?

Well, he died and then we find out it's just Kyle's on a ship. He has a pet parrot, he somehow's missing an eye.

He's Captain Ron, it's science.

He would love it there.

Never going to Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Oh, dang, the Oklahoma's tap in Please.

Yeah, I've been to Tulsa. There's a very good steakhouse. I cannot remember the name of it. I wish it would come to me.

We're gonna eat a lot of steak. We're gonna eat a lot of steak.

I've been that once and it was one of the best steakhouses I've ever been to, And I hope it comes to me and eats so much.

Ready, do you meet the cow? Do you meet the cow before you eat?

Oh? Yeah, we're gonna give him a little kiss.

Yes, you go out into a field, you meet it, You look at it in its eyes and say, I show eat your haunch. Kyle rides it. Uh huh, he's crying.

Huh.

And then but also we're on a real stake run here because after that Kansas City, Missouri, where every relative that I have is going to be at that show and the next show, which is Omaha, Nebraska, and I'm gonna have like at least one hundred people.

Well, hey, let's not skip over Kansas City too much, because I know Sean Malto and his friends are gonna come out that way.

Come on, baby, Wait is he going to be out there? Dude?

He makes the pilgrimage all the time. That's the way to go.

I love that he has to come and if he does come, we have to demand that he comes on stage and do skateboard tricks. Oh he has John Malto, very famous skateboarder, very cool, fun guy. I feel like we need to put him to work and have him. Maybe we build a little ramp and he yeah, let's get he does some stunts.

I'll pitch. He he does a stunt and then he hands a skateboard to Blake and Blake does a stuff.

Wait all pitch.

We bring a piano out and Sean Malto just plays piano and like kind of just like.

Okay, I thought we were saving that for Newark or New York.

Well, I just feel like at every stop there should be a piano and someone should just really play.

And this is why everyone's got to come out, because you never know what we're gonna do. We are gonna be doing something, as Adam would say, fragrant shit each show. It's gonna be it's gonna be different, it's gonna be fun. You're gunna want to see it.

And it's gonna be a lot of piano.

That is what I said. I said fragrant, I know, but.

I used it wrong in this context. Uh, Blake is gonna be all gallaghered out smashing watermelons at least once.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

The fun part will be Like every city we go to, it's just finding like a one weird fun thing to just do to make it a little different, to make it stand out.

Most of the time, it's kissing each other and then pulling our wieners out. A lot of times it's just us three way kissing each other and pianos.

We gotta do one in a cold plunge for an hour and whoever dies loses.

Yeah, that's not a bad idea. I bet I would. I bet I'd be the one to stay the longest and then immediately have to go to the hospital because I cannot warm back up.

I got a feeling that Kyle just would be like, it's not cold to me.

He's a corpse.

He would just like sit in it and go because he got in my cold plunge and he was a big old bitch.

A real bitch about it. When you're a bitch about something.

You were there, blake you you were you do not remember that?

Oh that was before the Irvine show. I was blackout.

Well why didn't you cry about it?

Okay, this is makes a lot of sense news to me. And then we're going to uh, are we going to your we can? Are you taking me to your childhood home or at least outside of it in Omaha. Are we doing a little tour of the town.

Yeah, we we for sure could do all that stuff. And I'll take you guys to some good food places.

I want to see the window that someone some girl jumped out of.

Uh huh, the story these stories I've heard, I got, well that that wasn't my house, that is that is my friend's house.

I want to go there, drive out the window.

If I can remember where it is exactly, I'll drive drive past it. But uh, you're gonna be like, oh, this is when I went to Blake and Kyle's hometown Clayton h conquered, conquered, but Clayton and conquered or like right next.

To each other, right, yes, very close, but we are conquered.

We claim conquer you conquered. Yeah. So when I visited them and conquered, I was like, oh, we grew up in the exact same town. It's just like suburbs. It's just suburbs in fact, suburban of America where I was like Oh, we get the exact same that's why we get along so well. And I think we clicked initially as we literally it's the same restaurants, the same town.

Was your mailbox at the street or on the house the street? Wow, Jesus Christ, unbelievable.

Why does that blow your mind?

Yeah, it's just a different world. There's some a little there's something different about walking out to get that mail as opposed to open your front door and grabbing it right off the wall.

There, you're right, you're absolutely right.

Along.

Yeah, so that's that's the tour. Baby. Wait what about a good Time?

Wait?

What about Seattle? Did we already say that one.

Or the last? Well we did that on the first bat dates.

That's an insane run.

Yeah, we're doing a lot of shows.

Some would say too much, a lot of.

Yeah, our lives and girlfriends say that too much.

But huh, it seems like a lot.

Well.

I think we have to get it in because I truly don't think there will ever be a time when we'll all be available to do it again. And who knows, maybe you know, the strike ends and someone has to go back to work, and you know it's three of us. But I truly think that this will be the time that all four of us can get on the road and be together and do a string of shows, which will be really fun.

Yeah, I'm actually yes, I'm very excited.

To be a blast to meet the fans of all different shape, sizes, smells.

You know, it's crazy, Like I cannot wait to meet what, like just go across country and like fucking meet fans that maybe been rocking with us for like twenty years.

Who's our YouTube, who's our guy?

What the heck?

I can't summon it right now.

But remember the one dude who had like a handle.

He would always he would always he would comment on every YouTube video, and he said, and he's like been with us though.

You know that is cool because I've done stand up tours and so this is gonna be your guys first time like on a proper tour. And it is really cool to meet some of these fans that have been fucking with us since the mail order comedy days, like watching our videos and stuff and then and then to see us progress and then do workholics and then kind of fail miserably right after for that.

Yeah, and.

Sort of like our careers sort of fizzle out and then now they get to support us and be like, we need to prop these guys up. These guys are said, it's going to be so cool.

Dude.

Yeah, I just hope.

I mean, I'm going to give lots of hugs. I hope Durs is open to it as well.

Yeah, for sure. We're all trying to catch new COVID.

What are we talking about? We did we did this, I know we did this in Orange County. It was great. We took all the selfies and had the fun and uh yeah, it was amazing.

I cannot wait to see how much COVID we get, Like, how what the is it over? Under two of us get COVID.

We we're all going to get it. But then you're I would prefer to get it in this in this first weekend out and then we're just set.

For the record. Yeah, and then you just bang it out.

Yeah smart, Which is weird for me to say, because I'm like, does it exist?

It never?

It's a hugs.

Well, any tape backs and the apologies. It seems like Kyle gave up.

He definitely did.

He chunked out.

Look at this text he texted, uh, I had a huge Internet project happening over here, and very possible the workers might have been what happened to me, Hey, maybe we don't schedule these things at the same time.

Yeah, well yeah, an internet project when we're doing the you can't schedule it for a day that we're not doing.

The app or or we say we don't do the podcast today. Yeah, well there's miscommunications.

I want to apologize to the guy from YouTube when we were in our mail or comedy days.

What the hell is this that would it was like a bash or cash or.

You can't remember your name. You've been there since day one, and we salute our shorts to you, and.

I hope we see you.

Uh.

And I would like to sort of epic slam you guys for not bringing up my sick beard the first time I've ever grown my facial hair out, and not one mention, not one mention of it.

Honestly, Adam, this is a week.

This is this is this is just as much as your beard.

And I don't call min a beard.

What do you call that thing?

It's just kind of like, you know, double facial growth.

Yeah, so this is a week and there's some change. Not not the strongest beard you've ever seen. But you know it's not it's not nothing.

No, it looks great. Actually, I wish you would keep it growing.

Glad we got I'm glad we covered.

I just wanted to cover it because then next time you see me, I could have shaved this thing. I don't know. Is this a tour Beard's a good chance? Is this a tour beard? Do I keep it?

Zz top?

What if we all grow our beards really long? Don't tell Kyle and we have like really long beards, and then he's out there like playing the piano.

And we I don't know, but yeah, maybe huh, you know, really play the piano. You think he's like out tickling the ivories. He knows like three, so I'll learn it.

He'll learn it.

There's only one way to find out, and that is to wheel a piano out during the live shows and let him tinkle around ivories.

Yeah, we come on toscarn California.

Dot Com, Cortland, s Ada.

Getting excited.

Lou Way man, this ship is gonna be fire

This Is Important

Adam Devine, Anders Holm, Blake Anderson, and Kyle Newacheck seriously discuss some very important t 
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