Hi everybody, Carly Taylor here and welcome back to this week's Mojo Monday. So we're going to dive into a topic that's often discussed in various ways, and that is around setting boundaries. So specifically, we're going to examine this through the lens of Marita therapy, and I will no doubt throw in a bit of ACT which is acceptance, commitment therapy, and stoicism, because the three of those modalities really intersect and align so well. So social media is flooded with advice on setting boundaries, particularly with those individuals who are perceived as difficult or they use descriptions like toxic. Often these messages seem to suggest that setting boundaries means controlling someone else's behavior or dismissing them entirely from your life. And of course there are situations that require serious intervention, like when someone is in physical danger or experience emotional abuse. But today I want to focus on managing relationships with people who may not be abusive but are still challenging. They might be challenging your patients, family members, work, colleagues, or friends. So I want to look at this through the lens and the framework of Marita therapy, which if you're not familiar with that is a Japanese psychological approach, and what it does is it emphasizes acceptance and focusing on what we can control. And one key teaching is to accept life as it is and differentiate between what we can and what we can't control. And I'll just add in there when we talk about acceptance, it's not a passive acceptance. It's we need to accept life as it is and then that next step is right what needs to be done. So Marita therapy is often called the psychology of action. So let's give an example. So what other people do or say, their beliefs, their values, these are all outside our control. So this perspective, what it does is it challenges the common advice around boundaries that suggest to you that we need to control or change others, We need to control their behavior, and this approach often leads to frustration and stress, especially when others don't change their behavior, because ultimately that's outside of our control. So what do we do in these situations? So Marita therapy teaches us that our automatic emotions and thoughts are a part of being human. We can't control them, but what we can do is not be dictated by them, and instead we focus on actions that are aligned with our purpose and align with our values. And this means our responses should be guided by what's important to us rather than being solely driven by the immediate emotion that comes up, which is very very hard to do. This is a skill. Sometimes our immediate emotions are just so powerful and are really driving us into action, and then we end up doing things that we later on when things come down, that we can regret. You know, our purpose, for example, might be to maintain a meaningful relationship whilst being open and honest, or act with grace and dignity even in challenging situations. And character strengths are really a good compass, you know, things like patience, empathy, and integrity that can really guide our actions. I want to explore a couple of examples just to illustrate this. Imagine you have a friend whose political views or comments are really upsetting you, and your immediate reaction might be to demand they stop sharing their opinions, or you consider ending the friendship or avoiding them, or maybe you aren't going to say anything, but you're spending a lot of energy dwelling on it. Which is having a knock on effect to other areas of your life. Putting so much attention onto your emotional response might not align with the long term values or the importance of the friendship. So the emotions, if left to their own devices, can cloud your judgment and cloud the perspective of the situation. So using Marita therapy principles, you'd pause and reflect, So ask the question what is beyond my control? Here? The friend's opinions and comments are not within your control. What she says and does is up to her. And also your automatic emotions and thoughts are not within your control. You may not want to feel the way you do, but in reality, you do feel that way, and struggling with that often intensifies the emotions. So what is within your control? So where you decide your attention goes is within your control. It can go on the anger or the resentment, or whatever the emotion is that's showing up, or it can look for solutions that are aligned with your values and what is important to you deep down in your heart. Instead of letting frustration dictate your actions, you could approach the situation by having a calm discussion about your relationship. How this is affecting you or deciding to limit conversations on sensitive topics. This approach aligns with the purpose of maintaining the relationship while being honest and respectful. But keep in mind that what your friend does, what they decide, is ultimately not up to you and is not within your control. So if the outcome isn't what you hoped for, sometimes we need to accept the discomfort that this can bring in the service of something bigger and in this case, friendship. Let's dive into another scenario. Your mother in law drops by unannounced on a regular basis and it feels like an invasion of your privacy. You're frustrated and angry because it disrupts you, your routine and your boundaries. So this is a tricky situation because it affects not just your relationship with her, but potentially your partner as well. From the perspective of Japanese ps ecology, here, there's a gap between reality and how we wish things would be. So, for example, ideally your mother in law would call ahead or you would plan visits in advance. So recognizing this gap can help you manage your emotions while figuring out the best way to handle the situation, and we want to widen the lens of this situation. So it's important to try and understand things from her perspective. And this doesn't mean that you have to excuse her behavior, but it can help to consider a few questions. So why does she drop in undernounced? Could she be lonely or feel that this is a normal way to connect? You know, is this something? Is this behavior something she sees as part of her role, or does she have different expectations about how visits should be handled. Understanding her point of views it putting yourself in her shoes. It can make it easier to decide how best to address the issues effectively. And of course there's so many different situations where we are struggling with people who are who we perceive as crossing boundaries. But I think it is important to recognize that sometimes we use boundaries as a way to avoid the discomfort of our emotions. And it doesn't mean that we're making excuses for others' behavior, but it's almost like we have to coexist with our emotions in the service of a wider purpose, you know, things like maintaining a long term relationship or acting with grace or upholding personal integrity can be more important than those immediate emotional reactions and emotions that we're trying to avoid. Other people can really press our buttons and it can create a really strong emotional response, but it doesn't mean that we always have to act according to that response. The main takeaway for this is to focus on what you can control, which is your own behavior and attitude. Accept the discomfort that comes from difficult interactions, and strive to act based on your values and your purpose rather than your automatic immediate emotional response. And this approach helps maintain relationships without compromising your own principles. Thank you for listening today. If you're enjoying the podcast and find it valuable, please consider leaving a five star review on Apple Podcasts. It does help us reach more listeners and helps us to continue providing content that hopefully is valuable to you. So have a good week and I will see you next Monday.

Hi everybody, Carly Taylor here and welcome back to this week's Mojo Monday. So we're going to dive into a topic that's often discussed in various ways, and that is around setting boundaries. So specifically, we're going to examine this through the lens of Marita therapy, and I will no doubt throw in a bit of ACT which is acceptance, commitment therapy, and stoicism, because the three of those modalities really intersect and align so well. So social media is flooded with advice on setting boundaries, particularly with those individuals who are perceived as difficult or they use descriptions like toxic. Often these messages seem to suggest that setting boundaries means controlling someone else's behavior or dismissing them entirely from your life. And of course there are situations that require serious intervention, like when someone is in physical danger or experience emotional abuse. But today I want to focus on managing relationships with people who may not be abusive but are still challenging. They might be challenging your patients, family members, work, colleagues, or friends. So I want to look at this through the lens and the framework of Marita therapy, which if you're not familiar with that is a Japanese psychological approach, and what it does is it emphasizes acceptance and focusing on what we can control. And one key teaching is to accept life as it is and differentiate between what we can and what we can't control. And I'll just add in there when we talk about acceptance, it's not a passive acceptance. It's we need to accept life as it is and then that next step is right what needs to be done. So Marita therapy is often called the psychology of action. So let's give an example. So what other people do or say, their beliefs, their values, these are all outside our control. So this perspective, what it does is it challenges the common advice around boundaries that suggest to you that we need to control or change others, We need to control their behavior, and this approach often leads to frustration and stress, especially when others don't change their behavior, because ultimately that's outside of our control. So what do we do in these situations? So Marita therapy teaches us that our automatic emotions and thoughts are a part of being human. We can't control them, but what we can do is not be dictated by them, and instead we focus on actions that are aligned with our purpose and align with our values. And this means our responses should be guided by what's important to us rather than being solely driven by the immediate emotion that comes up, which is very very hard to do. This is a skill. Sometimes our immediate emotions are just so powerful and are really driving us into action, and then we end up doing things that we later on when things come down, that we can regret. You know, our purpose, for example, might be to maintain a meaningful relationship whilst being open and honest, or act with grace and dignity even in challenging situations. And character strengths are really a good compass, you know, things like patience, empathy, and integrity that can really guide our actions. I want to explore a couple of examples just to illustrate this. Imagine you have a friend whose political views or comments are really upsetting you, and your immediate reaction might be to demand they stop sharing their opinions, or you consider ending the friendship or avoiding them, or maybe you aren't going to say anything, but you're spending a lot of energy dwelling on it. Which is having a knock on effect to other areas of your life. Putting so much attention onto your emotional response might not align with the long term values or the importance of the friendship. So the emotions, if left to their own devices, can cloud your judgment and cloud the perspective of the situation. So using Marita therapy principles, you'd pause and reflect, So ask the question what is beyond my control? Here? The friend's opinions and comments are not within your control. What she says and does is up to her. And also your automatic emotions and thoughts are not within your control. You may not want to feel the way you do, but in reality, you do feel that way, and struggling with that often intensifies the emotions. So what is within your control? So where you decide your attention goes is within your control. It can go on the anger or the resentment, or whatever the emotion is that's showing up, or it can look for solutions that are aligned with your values and what is important to you deep down in your heart. Instead of letting frustration dictate your actions, you could approach the situation by having a calm discussion about your relationship. How this is affecting you or deciding to limit conversations on sensitive topics. This approach aligns with the purpose of maintaining the relationship while being honest and respectful. But keep in mind that what your friend does, what they decide, is ultimately not up to you and is not within your control. So if the outcome isn't what you hoped for, sometimes we need to accept the discomfort that this can bring in the service of something bigger and in this case, friendship. Let's dive into another scenario. Your mother in law drops by unannounced on a regular basis and it feels like an invasion of your privacy. You're frustrated and angry because it disrupts you, your routine and your boundaries. So this is a tricky situation because it affects not just your relationship with her, but potentially your partner as well. From the perspective of Japanese ps ecology, here, there's a gap between reality and how we wish things would be. So, for example, ideally your mother in law would call ahead or you would plan visits in advance. So recognizing this gap can help you manage your emotions while figuring out the best way to handle the situation, and we want to widen the lens of this situation. So it's important to try and understand things from her perspective. And this doesn't mean that you have to excuse her behavior, but it can help to consider a few questions. So why does she drop in undernounced? Could she be lonely or feel that this is a normal way to connect? You know, is this something? Is this behavior something she sees as part of her role, or does she have different expectations about how visits should be handled. Understanding her point of views it putting yourself in her shoes. It can make it easier to decide how best to address the issues effectively. And of course there's so many different situations where we are struggling with people who are who we perceive as crossing boundaries. But I think it is important to recognize that sometimes we use boundaries as a way to avoid the discomfort of our emotions. And it doesn't mean that we're making excuses for others' behavior, but it's almost like we have to coexist with our emotions in the service of a wider purpose, you know, things like maintaining a long term relationship or acting with grace or upholding personal integrity can be more important than those immediate emotional reactions and emotions that we're trying to avoid. Other people can really press our buttons and it can create a really strong emotional response, but it doesn't mean that we always have to act according to that response. The main takeaway for this is to focus on what you can control, which is your own behavior and attitude. Accept the discomfort that comes from difficult interactions, and strive to act based on your values and your purpose rather than your automatic immediate emotional response. And this approach helps maintain relationships without compromising your own principles. Thank you for listening today. If you're enjoying the podcast and find it valuable, please consider leaving a five star review on Apple Podcasts. It does help us reach more listeners and helps us to continue providing content that hopefully is valuable to you. So have a good week and I will see you next Monday.