I Said No Gifts! A comedy interview podcast with Bridger WinegarBridger maintains control when Vinny Thomas (You're Cordially Invited, Platonic) tries to set him off with a gift. The two discuss animals at church, origami, and car wash innovations.
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Well, I invited you here, thought I made myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest to my home, you gotta come to me empty. And I said, no, guests, your own presences presents enough. I already had too much stuff.
So how do you dare to surbey me? Welcome to I said, no gifts. I'm Bridger Winecker. I hope you're doing fine. I hope you're not doing anything stupid of you know, when you're less to this podcast, you're ultimately an ambassador of the podcast, and I don't need you embarrassing me. What else is going on? I'm having an incredible morning, as you can just probably tell from my energy, celebrating three weeks of having low windshield wiper fluid, and that actually I was thinking earlier of when I was alerted by my car. The car should tell you that when you stop the car, rather than when you start it and can't do anything about it. This is a note to all car manufacturers. Have the warnings. Maybe they can come on at the beginning cases the car is going to blow up, but in the case of windshield wiper fluid, I've forgotten it by the time I get home. Do a nice loud beep when I pull up into the driveway. Help me rather than just shame me every time I start the car. I'm solving problems, I'm creating ideas, I'm podcasting. I love it. Let's get into the show. I just think today's guest is fantastic. It's been Thomas Vinnie. Welcome dysond Oh.
My god, thank you so much for having me. I do think maybe you're using too much fluid. In general, I think you're using too much fluid. I barely use the fluid.
You know. I'm constantly using the fluid. I mean, the smallest bit of dust on the car blasting out.
I don't feel guilty every time I use the fluid. I'm like, this is too much. Surely I don't need the fluid. The fluid's not necessary. I can't just use the wiperies. Yeah, I'm not fancy. I'm not fancy.
I don't even flu you've got is your car? How often you get your car washed? Oh? Not enough?
You know, sometimes you see a really dirty car and the feeling it conscious is the same feeling you see you like when you've see an abused dog or something. It's the same kind of Oh, no, he's not taking care of it. And I'm sure people look at my car and they feel that way.
Oh yeah, my car. I mean I'm on the same page. I get it washed about I would say twice a year. Yeah, And it's definitely giving an energy of a dog that needs to be rescued, like first step rescue, not even by the pound takes it and has to get the fleas taken off. All of this. Oh okay, Yeah, it's a tough situation. So I think that's I'm kind of washing the car via windshield wipe or fluid.
Yeah, right on which do you go to like the festival car wash where like festival you know the one that's like an automatic festival. You take it through and a bunch of little brushes hit your car and there's like colorful slabs and stuff. Okay, I do it by hand, one of those little places. You're kidding why, I don't know. I just appreciate the old ways. There's something that feels very like artisanal and classic about spraying to me.
The spraying it, the energy I get from that is very I have just been somewhere like getting rid of a body and destroying evidence that's so true.
I think the last time I did it, it was because some man on the street through a like a bag of orange liquid. He hurled a bag of orange liquid I don't know what it is, just into the street that it hit my car and burst all over the windshield. And I was like, surely I can't keep driving this. I don't know what this liquid is. God only knows what it was. And so I was hosing that.
Did it leave like an orange residu on your car? It was disgusting. There was high pulp orange juice. Oh God forbid if there was pulp.
I didn't even looked as if there was pulp, that would have been a whole different thing, because I don't think it was orange juice.
It didn't smell citteressy. I wonder maybe windshield whiper fluid is orange. I think it's either usually well, it's probably usually green, but I can imagine an orange windshield whipeer fluid. This is so gay guys shouldn't be allowed to talk about cars. Let me just say that we should were the only people who should be allowed to talk about We're thinking of ideas. I've thought of a new beep that the car can make I've thought of a new color for windshield to hear the beep at the end of the I pull up into my driveway, boo, I think the vibrato is really it's really something. And then I know to put in the windshield wiper flu Yeah, it's a great idea rather than this harsh beep I get at the beginning of the drive. That sets the mood for my entire drive. I'm now worried about the windshield wiper fluid and I'm forgetting about it. Gay men should be running Carmen.
You find at that point the beep almost sounds like a threat. It's like, I hope nothing happens. She's like, wow, looks like you fucked up.
I hope nothing happens. It really is kind of a passive aggressive thing. Yeah, well, good for you for starting the car and getting on your way. But that kind of energy I love. I like a regular car wash where the car is getting bashed by the festival is a good way.
It's the festival because everything's fringe, do you know what I mean? Ye, Like, it's all like fringe and tassels, and it's very southward.
It's very white.
Woman in Santa Fe kind of feeling herself. She's from New York, but she recently moved there to find herself.
I want to see that exact car wash where everything's kind of a beige or a turquoise, a very like tasteful fringey, because right now it's still kind of circus maximalist type, like blasting colors. Everything's like lava wax or laser shine, which I appreciate.
Yeah, it's a lava wax and the laser. But I mean, I'm sure you want a more curated experience as I do.
You know what I mean?
This is la I want to go to in a car wash and like all of the tassels are ivory, and like everything is ivory. You go in there and it's a liminal like severance style gorgeous.
Yeah, who's gonna do this? Why haven't they done this?
So?
I don't know. It's sick.
Every time you go there and get soap. It's like getting sprinkles on a carvel cake or Nickelodeon.
It's nickel. You're getting slimy. Double Dare. Your car is getting slipped to your pass cut Double Dare. Mark Summers, The Mark Summer's car Wash, The thing about the one that you do yourself. You do feel powerful. You have a giant gun. You get to shoot at the car, yeah, which like there's nowhere else in the world that you get to do that safely. No, of course not.
I think the worst part about it is when people walk near you when you're doing it, and you know, I'm like, you're gonna get misted, do you know what I mean?
Like, I don't mean to do it, but the wind's blowing your direction. You're gonna get misted.
And that's not great because then you soak a stranger, Yeah, you know what I mean. And then parts of it are icky, like if you go over to the part where you're supposed to vacuum and like dry everything out, it's ikey over there.
How so, well it's ikey. I don't know if it's like this everyone, but the one I go to sometimes people pee over there. It's like it kind.
Of smells like you're in and sometimes the suction doesn't work, so you're trying to hose and just kind of this miasma of piss, piss and trash, trash, it's cigarette butts.
It's just a bad you're in a bad way.
But you want to stay in the liquid area and you want to use that follow the steps they make it very simple. Try not to use the brush too much because sometimes it has sand in it and it seems.
Bad for cars. No, but it's great. It's like a broom. But it's great for the spirit. Do you know what I mean? And yeah, it's ripping the paint off cars had skin. Take a loof to a car? No, I again, And now that's another thing that could be themed. Starship Trooper theme with the big guns. You're shooting lights absolutely in la of all places. Why aren't these things? They should have more themes to these rather than just generic. Why there aren't more themes in general? Of course I think car wash Starship Troopers would be great, but I also think even okay, every fast food place now and this is a tangent. Are you mad? We don't do tangents. We're very efficient.
We're gonna talk about carwashes for an hour and a half ivery and everyone's talked about this. But every like fast food restaurant now is brutalist. Oh yes, of course, of course, I think every person who purchases the franchise a fast food restaurant franchise should really make it their own.
They should really dig in. I once went on a road trip with my family when I was really younger.
We were like going through Nebraska, and we stopped at We stopped at a McDonald's brocade curtains.
There was a time period when this was happening a McDonald It was beautiful. It was the most beautiful McDonald's I've ever seen in my life. It was like being in a European It was like being in Versailles, and the bathrooms were spotless, and I've never seen a McDonald's like it, clearly because the franchise owner just really had kind of a very specific vision for what this McDonald's going to be mean to McDonald's. Absolutely, yeah, there was. I feel like there was a period it must have been like the late eighties or the mid nineties where a lot of the occasional McDonald's would feel like Grandma's living room, where it's like, this doesn't quite match what I think of with McDonald's, but I appreciate it. It's like dingy, starting to feel dingy. Those curtains obviously smell like chicken.
Mcnaficis, Yeah, those curtains smell wraw. Those curtains are good, but I do like just pick a theme. I think prehistoric Western. Okay, there's a coffee shop out here, which I'm not going to name specifically, but it is ostensibly named.
After prehistoric animals. So disappointing. Yeah, it's it's called what it's called. I'm happy because I will say it's good coffee. It's called dinosaur coffee exactly. We can name it, but because it should be dinosaur themed, it.
Absolutely shit every now and then they put a cheeky little stegosaurus stamp on a cop I went in there excited, right because I've never been there before. I saw the name. I was thrilled. I was out of my fucking chair ready to go to dinosaur coffee.
I thought it was gonna be filled with ferns. I thought the cups they were gonna have little, like, you know, kitchy dinosaur shaped cups. It's like it's like it's like a t rex and it's holding a big bowl or like a triceratops with its mouth open, and you're like drinking out of the triceratops' mouth and not a functional cup. Not a function No, not functional in fact, it hurts. Yes, your hand is being cut, your head is being cut by the triceratops horns. But it's just it's like a barber shop in a rich neighborhood. It looks like it's it's it's white and tan, and it's got like kind of a rib shade. What's that is probably as close to dinosaurs you get in. It almost feels like a like a skeleton that was excavated from something. They're phoning it in. They should have put sand in the back. It should feel humid in there. There should be a wet pool where like you know, you go into you're almost smelling pool.
That's what I want is I want to go into somewhere I want to I want to go to a coffee shop. Eighty percent humidity, reeks of chlorine.
It should smell like the indoor pool of a motel six, not coffee.
It should have like chipped sculptures of dinosaurs that are wildly scientifically inaccurate at this point, and they're from a different time.
You know, what's that gas station that has like that? The dinosaur out front of the dinosaur out front Sinclair gas Stag Unfortunately kind of a I mean, well, of course it is a gas station is owned by a highly conservative, evil corporation. Oh fuck, but they all love drinking their gas, we all do. I have one this morning? Oh my god. But I think they also have these this They have a bunch of news stations throughout the northwest Sinclair, Oh my god. Yeah, And obviously they're just pushing some horrible agenda all the time. But then they have this wonderful dinosaur out. I guess I never put that together that it was the same organization, and there's a good chance it's not. Maybe it's just the same name.
There's no way I've never met anyone in real life named Sinclair, so it's true. There can't be more than one famous Sinclair organization.
Claire is a scary last name.
Oh terrifying, terrifying, and might I say Southern, Oh very very Tennessee. Williams ass name Laverna Sinclair lives in a dilapidated plantation house.
She wears a Missus Havisham dress that chatters.
Colonel Sanders is on the porch. Colonel Sanders is on the porch. He's a feminate but not gay. Yes, absolutely, in the way that southern Medo. Sometime's efeminate but not gay Lindsay Graham style, and they're constantly arguing.
Everyone's sweating all the time. Saint Clair, I don't know that I've ever met a goods in Clare. I've never met a sin Claire.
No, and I don't think you ever will. We're not part of that world, you know what I mean. We're out here, we're Yankees. I want to be part of that world.
Oh, I want to be part of the Dinosaur gas station work.
You could get there. I think you could make a really powerful conservative pivot. And I think you know this about yourself.
I'm ready to the drop of a hat to take this podcast in a real weird direction.
I am all the time. Every now and then I think to myself, I could make a lot of money. I think I'd be so much better at it than the conservatives are. They don't make any sense, do.
You know what I mean? Of course you don't have to make any sense. They're not charming, you know a mile. Also, coming from where we start, people will be like the conservative crowd will eat us up because they'll be like, look where they started. Now they're on our team. Oh you would change, you would change in that way, they would think, oh, look now they're demons, and so you know, like I feel like when someone on the left makes a conservative pivot, the conservatives the far right really goes for them because they're like, look, they changed their mind finally exactly they saw that they were wrong.
I think I would pretend that I had like found God and become straight.
I would show up with a wife. Do you ever worry about that? I think, God, I'm becoming straight. Like the idea of like maybe you get older and you lose your mind, so you're like I was wrong all along. You think you're going to get dementia and forget that you're a homosexual. Not even dementia. I just like, I feel like at some point some people, as they get older, they just kind of like freak out and start to panic about life and then like suddenly become religious again or that kind of thing. And I think I'm far enough removed at this point that I'm going to be okay, But you never know.
I could see it happening. There are some things I miss about church, Like what here's what I miss about church. The pancake breakfasts every now and then to be a pancake breakfast. There are very few contexts in which I can go somewhere, get like a dozen cheap pancakes and just you know, keyky with my friends. It does not happen anymore. This motion, oh, change and do this. Were you Catholic Mormon, there's none of that.
There was a lot. Mormon church was very dull for me to bring up dancing, and you were a Mormon. There was no nobody playing drums, No guitar was allowed. Okay, there's a lot of quietly singing hymns. Uh. The loudest instrument we had was an organ. Oh god. Yeah. So it's like a very not a party atmosphere. There are pancake breakfasts we had. We had a party atmosphere. What church were you going to?
Well, it was like a megachurch cusp, like right on the edge of being a megachurch, kind of a huge congregation. We had like a whole band like opening for a mega church. Oh absolutely, and we're getting there. I think more and more every day. I think they just bought a new space and there's a cafe. Of course, there's a My pastor was so cool. He described himself as a jazz theologian. So he like he has this great book about like the intersection of Christ in jazz, and I've never seen anything like it. Truly, there's a lot of Once again, there's a lot that I miss about church.
Was your church getting into like dark stuff? I mean, was it like? No, he kept it light. That's the good thing is he kept it light, you know what I mean. Good for him. They say he got up there, he said be nice.
He said, God forbid, God forbid, God forbid someone get up there and say be nice, be a decent first.
Yeah, and not your gay little cousin is a free you know what I mean. Were they fairly inclusive church? I think they were inclusive.
I think there are a lot of kind of Baptist churches and mega churchy churches that are ostensibly inclusive.
Like right, that's how they get you.
They never talk about it like you, never kind of dig beneath the service.
But that's how they get you. You know what I mean, look too closely? No, no, just listen to the music and move your hands. Yeah, this thing, you know, it's like the extent of the dancing that's happening. Well, it's a lot of people.
They're like feeling the spirit and they're like yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes, yes Lord Amen, and then just like shuffling back and forth like this. That's a big one. I honestly think that's most of it.
Yeah, was there any speaking in tongues? No? But I have family members.
I have an aunt who wants she's not she she's a very close family friend. We call her aunt, right, and she wants lean over to me and she goes, you know, I have the gift of tongues. I'm possessed of the gift of tongues. And I was like, Wow, that's that's really gaggy, you know what I mean, it's.
A gag Did you dare her to try? No?
I think she has to be like in the state. You have to kind of get into the trance state.
Otherwise it's gobbledegook. I mean, unless you're in the trance, it's nonsense, you know what I mean? And I guess that is more like southern church, like Jesus Camp, that type of thing where everyone's just I don't know how you get to that emotional state where you're suddenly just ha amout a shubata. But would have maybe we both can speak in tongues deep in love.
It boo, I'm gonna Supit is me trying to order sup at a restaurant, but I haven't had any water. I'm parched, I'm parched. My mouth is dry. I'm like an emch and I'm like, I'm you just want the tomato basis. I just want the tomato basil. But I can't remember the words. No one can wait. I was gonna say something I have to do.
With speaking in tongues ordering soup. Oh. The snake churches, Oh, snake churches is a whole other It's kind of a different category, kind of a different category. But I did watch a little video on the snake church recently. What did you learn? I learned that those people are really fucking awful of those goddamn snakes. Those people are really mean. What did they do to them? They're taking they're taking rattlesnakes out of their little They keep them in erriums on newspapers. They take them out when it's time to like test God or whatever, and they take them out and they like step on them and they like throw them around and really just kind of put these snakes through hell. And then put them back, and so whenever one of them gets bit and killed by one of these snakes, I'm like, yeah, I mean you were absolutely asking.
We're begging for it. They're doing crazy things to those snakes.
Are you kidding me? So what is the point? It is like testing God? Like being like, God, you won't let the snake bite me, strangest thing in the world, Mama. They're like, they're like, Okay, we're so protected and blessed by God in this.
Moment, like we're going to prove it to you by kind of molesting these rattle snakes. And the rattlesnakes aren't going to do anything no matter how much we diddle them, like everything's going to be fine because God.
Won't let it happen. And then sometimes sometimes God is dead and the snake bites the guy and it happens all the time, And I guess when that happens, how do they move the goalpost? Is it just like, well, God decided that.
Maybe there's like a secret or something, or like you lose a finger and you're like that finger was temptation. That was a temptation finger, and is always rattlesnakes. It's always venomous snakes. Whoa, I mean, there's no way they use Could you imagine if it was a non venomous snake, They're like stamping on a garter snake or something.
Of course, nothing's going to happen. It has to be a rattle snake. Well, that would be my snake church. I'm not going to actually test the limits of snakes. It's you with two terrified ball pythons just like them in your hands, whipping them around. Why am I talking to you like you're the expert? Please? I think at this point I am. I certainly feel like the expert stage. I wonder, are snakes part of every time you go to church or so, like once a month we bring out the snake like especial occasion. Yeah, like it's Christmas, it's Easter, let's break out the pancake breakfast. I think they bring them out a lot. I really think they bring them out a lot.
They're hauling them out all the time. And here's the thing, I think snakes do get it used to being handled. So if they're bringing these rattlesnakes out constantly, the rattle snakes are probably going to be less likely to bite you.
This again. Yeah, if they.
Really want to do something crazy, they should get a fresh one every time. They should get a rattlesnake, like a city rattlesnake. That is like, it's it's violent, it's got horrible tendencies, it's socopathic. The other rattlesnake, stay away from it. It came out of a toilet. It came out of a toilet, and then it loved it so much that it went back in. Like that kind of a rattle snake. Oh, truly a sewer snake. Get one of those and that'll prove to me that kind of topic snakes.
It's the I don't know. Religion is so funny and so weird. They should do a spider church. I wonder if anybody's ever attempted that. Oh, because you dance on those spiders that you're gonna burn through spiders. That's a big budget for spiders.
But maybe another dangerous animal, right, like a scorpions box, jellyfish, rabbit dog church, rabbit dogs, bring out the rabbit dogs dog church, just running through the congregation, nipping at people.
I was about to make a horrible pond. Oh my, I a better to make a horrible pond.
Well, now you have to care instead of fuse their pause and I'll never do it again.
I'll say that I never do it again. I can wrap up the podcast at any time, so just don't push me. But we have invented, so now we should be in charge of cars. Yeah, car washers and animal themed churches. Animal themed. I think Snake Church is ultimately animal themed.
Mall shops get abandoned all the time, Sure, go out of business. Yeah, I would love to see a church take over the rain for his cafe.
I mean, speaking of theme for restaurants, it's all coming together. Then it's our coffee take over a rainforest cafe. Perfect. I mean, does Rainforest Cafe still exist? Oh yeah, they're still probably like dragging themselves at this point.
No listen, Rainforest Cafe has seen a surge and activity.
This was a whole news story, like can ironic surge? I think so true?
Like gen Z actually, really we love a themed restaurant and so everyone kind of wants that Kitschi fun experience of going to the Rainforest Cafe all of a sudden and it was on its last.
Legs, which was super air. Then gen Z like stabbed adrenaline into its heart and it's alive again. There's a video online of this guy going to every rainforest cafe in America. He visits every single one, all two of them. There's so many, there's so many more than you think.
You keep besmirching them, and they're actually a very powerful organization, so I would really watch it. And he goes to everyone of the numerous beautiful rainforest cafes immaculates eating their menu is crazy. Everything is like tropical cage in pasta of course, and and like gorilla cheesecake, and it's just stuff you might find in a diner, but with like rain in front of it. And he eats that and he starts to get so like sick and weird from drinking nothing but mango dackies and eating like cowabunga meatballs or whatever they're called, dynamite steak the wet dirt.
And he documented the whole thing, hmm, but probably over TikTok or something YouTube. It's actually really beautiful the way he edits it. Really.
Yeah, he goes to this very emotional journey. He goes with his friend. His car breaks down at one point and it's just kind of it's a beautiful narrative toured through the told through the lens of a Rainforest Cafe. Rainforest Cafe is really just the vehicle for him to create what I might describe as a novella of the suffering of man and kind of a love letter to classic Americana.
Losing my mind. Oh my god, I've spilled my drink on Alas, I'm having a hard day. Do we have a napkin in the house? In a napkin? Please? It's filthy in here. I'm having a very hard time talking about Rainforest I'm I'm just realizing now that I've been hunched over this entire time. Have you really I think, from from my viewpoint, you've had excellent poshing. Now what am I doing? I think the Mico? Yeah, you're fucked up? Thank you, On Alice, this podcast has taken a real violent turn. I've spilled my coffee. I'm a disaster. Wow, I need to see this Rainforest Cafe video series. They're kind of the last themed restaurant. Oh yeah, lasted all of them? Oh my god? Did they? Oh no, the cheesecake Factory. That's not a theme. What are you talking? Is cheesecake themes? Or it's factory theme.
The theme is Ancient Egypt, and the theme is Ancient Egypt. It is you go down into a cheesecake factory and it looks like like an ancient Babylonian tomb. It's dimly lit, beautiful, beautiful, stunning sconces everywhere. And let me tell you something about the cheesy fact. What let me tell you about the cheesy fact. The food there every time I go, and I go pretty often is never.
Bad at worst. At worst, it's only fine, yes, but it's never bad. That's very true. Yeah, they kind of, like, I feel like, they kind of pride themselves on making absolutely fine food. Yeah, like you like you won't be like, you won't complain about your meal, of course not, which is more than a lot of franchise. It's not franchise, but chain restaurants can say I think so, And I like how they have stuff that's just called like Asian salad. Of course it's just means nothing. It means absolutely nothing. They're just like Asian salad. It might as well be Calabunga salad.
Absolutely it might be. But it's classier because there are no animals in there.
Which on cheesecake factory going to the gallery or the Americana Factory, the Grove Factory.
I prefer the Grove because there's something so romantic about being seated on the terrace on the upper level and you like overlook the grove and you can kind of see this veneer of Tuscany melt away because right behind it is the parking garage and the Nike store and you're just kind of watching the world go by beneath you.
Or sometimes they.
Sit you in in the interior balcony that overlooks the amc.
Oh even more beautiful, the smell of popcorn wafting up, the smell of popcorn floor whatever else wafting up into your face. But no, it is really beautiful.
I think it is one of the top ten most romantic dining locations in Los Angeles.
Riding that escalator up, it's so big, it's there was no need to put an escalator. It feels like going down to the subway in Washington, DC or something. It's like so long and I think kind of skinny.
Oh yeah, absolutely cannot stand abreast, cannot past somebody on that escalator. You know, it's crazy there's an upscalator, But no, there's no downscalator. Oh interesting, you have to either take that down stairs down or I wonder what the thinking was behind that, or actually.
I could be totally wrong. I could be making that up. It seems right, do you think, Yeah, I'm like picturing it now. I think you get to ride up. But afterward your your screw. You wanted to say fucked. Why didn't you more to keep this jumping back out? That's crazy. You literally were about to say fucked and you stopped yourself. This is a church podcast. Person foremost, I always am surprised by when this podcast is listed as explicit. What are we talking about? Parental advisory? Wait, there's a there's a bent like put a little a little E next to every episode for it, like this is like a doctor tree out.
I did notice that I looked at Hannah Pilcaus's episode and there wasn't E, and I was like, she was probably great.
Did they get into it? Like I have no idea, just filth, absolute filth. Well, I will you know something that is disgusting I will say on this podcast. Still again, you're not gonna be happy about this because I'm not finny. The podcast is called I said no gifts. Yeah, I was looking forward to you coming today. Okay, I thought, Finny'll come, We'll have a great time. I'll pitch some of my car ideas. Maybe he'll take them out into the world and we'll, you know, spread spread this information and have a wonderful time. So it's a little surprised, and I will also say a little delighted when you came into the studio holding what is not only a gift, but a beautifully wrapped gift. Yeah, I'm so sorry. That was my mistake.
Okay, I'm as mad as you are. I may be more than you are.
You're shaking, physically shaking. I'm shaking.
I'm gonna do something crazy after this. I'm gonna do something crazy. I don't know what it is yet, but it's not gonna be legal. And I'm so mad.
I can't. You're casting a wide net with behavior just saying it may not be legal. Yeah, I'm going to do something crazy, But you brought this lovely little Uh. It's in a small box wrapped in kind of a newspaper or a coupon section.
Yeah.
I get a lot of coupon mailers. I get a lot of coupon mailers and then it has a little piece of origami on top.
I had to watch a tutorial on how to make that crane. And let me say the guy was insufferable.
Shock.
The guy was insufferable. So he'd be like, and now folded down to make the legs, okay, he said, And now make a leg fold. He'd be like, and now we're making a belly fold in a mountain fold? Were you supposed to shut up until say fold in half? Stop talking about bellies and mountains and legs.
If anybody knows Hamburger hot dog folding, Yeah, that's what I can say.
Paddy Wiener, Paddy Wiener, and I'll figure it out. Don't say mountain and belly anyway, I made the beautiful grain.
It's gorgeous. Right when the last time you did orgami? Oh, it's probably been days. I used to love me orgami frogs.
I used to be this b in Chicago where I would fold a bunch of orgon me frogs and I would be this man who's addicted to or gammy frogs and I would throw them at the audience cranes.
I don't make as much. They're less functional, I would say, no, they're not functional at all, but they are elegant. They are so elegant, delicate.
And I wrapped this gift and just the box looked bald to me, right, nude in a way that wasn't tasteful, kind of nude in an acrid, dangerous way. And so I topped it with a crane, and then I thought I would level some curly cues.
Curly cues were done gorgeously. This is not the scissor, I imagine. No, no, and you know what it is, because the newsprint isn't strong enough for the scissor. Oh, that makes sense. So I tried. What I did is I wrapped him around a pencil.
Oh wow, Yeah, I wrapped it with a pencil through marinated them, threw them in a freezer, and you can grill those up whenever you want. They're gonna be absolutely delicious. Yeah wow, with a water. I've never heard this before.
It's so tasteful. Thank you so much. Okay, well should I open it? Yeah, if you dare, I'm trying to be very careful with so poorly. May just throw in the trash the breast of the crane. Oh my god, you're all over the place. The rude. I threw it on the floor and that was rude. But it flew kind of nice, did it. Let's try that again. It doesn't fall immediately to the floor. Yeah, well, as cranes do, as cranes do. Okay, we'll put it there on the table. Oh, you're not going to name it. Oh it's its name is David. Perfect. There we go. So man, now we have that business. Excuse me, No, this is a woman. I think it's a woman. Yeah, it's a lady crane David. Now, I'm gonna be careful with these coupons. There might be a money saving coupon and here that I think it's mostly for alcohol or like closet shelves or something. I feel like those are always in these now really closet organizers. Yeah, closet organ one of those. My closet looks insane. Fifty. I have silverfish. I haven't seen a silverfish, but I'm just terrified that I'm going to get them. If you have silverfish, that's gonna be a low day for you. You'll think what am I doing? You? You know? But I just feel like when you find a bug in your house. Oh, it's just like what am I doing wrong? Yeah, I'm dirty. I'm dirty. Okay, I do want to look at what coupons we've got here. I'm not even looking at the gift. Oh okay, don't worry about Oh okay, we're putting that behind for a moment. I'm getting some sort of steak, eight free burghers from somebody, and you need them. Look at that. Just a giant piece of raw meat. I don't know what it is. It's not raw, it's certainly. Oh it's bacon wrapped, and then it has some sort of pomegranate on top or something from how did you say bacon wrapped like that? Bacon rap? It's bacon wrapped. How am I supposed to say it? I don't know, bacon wrapped. It's bacon wrapped. Liza Minelli. Okay, well, tomato tomato. But okay, I've got eight free burgers coming my way. Some sort of air conditioner or something, water purifier? Oh wait, fifty percent off organize your home? What did I tell you? Oh my god, there it is. This is the curse of the modern circular god. I wish I had a closet like that. Oh can you imagine? This is like American psycho suit. This is essentially the car wash we were talking about. It really is.
No, that's the color scheme and everything Beije gray. The soap is pine tar.
And fifty percent off of something I'll never know. That's a shame. Okay, now I've put the gift behind my computer. I'm pulling is it's tea? Right? This is glazed lemon loaf tea. You are not the first person to bring this on the podcast, the same this exact and I wonder who else brought the tea. This was a couple of years ago, Alison Rosen, I don't know who that. That's well, tell me why you brought this. This is so fascinating. Yeah, well, I think it's delicious. It's so good. I think it's the best tea.
Here's the thing, I think a lot of products that are flavored like baked goods are kind of a waste of time, right, because a pizza flavored thing isn't flavored like a pizza.
Now, it's like garlic to an onion, garlic whatever.
This tastes Willy Wonka style as if you're eating glazed lemon loaf. It's delicious and it was on sale to for one. Oh my gosh, I have one for myself. Good first, and what I'm hoping you do is text me when you make a cup, and I'll make a cup at the same time.
Oh, and we'll kind of synchronize.
Yeah, kind of like those lamps, like when you're in a long distance relationship, like you touch one and it lights up.
I haven't heard about this. That sounds so irritated. No it doesn't. It sounds like the behavior of a controlling partner. What you just see it like blinking a bunch because the tapping constantly. The lamp turns red when you don't touch it within three minutes. Think of me, me actively cheating, touching the lamp while it's happening in in a moment of ecstasy, the other person kicking their legs touching the lamp on in New York.
Uh.
Okay, it's really good tea. But obviously you've had it at this point. I but we have to talk about it because you bring up a good point about a lot of especially I think Oreo is currently our biggest offender. Oh pisses me off. It makes me so mad.
Oreo flavored is chocolate and maybe vanilla or whatever their icing is flavored, it's not the Oreo.
A lot of it is the texture. It's texture, it tastes like it doesn't taste like chocolate. I mean, okay, this is let's just put it all on the table. Because this is a complicated issue and the cities on the table, we have to be sensitive about how we talk about it. Oreos. I love an original Oreo absolutely, but now and we've talked about this. I think we've all talked about this because this is what Oreo wants ultimately, is to shock and just try to get our attention in any way possible by putting whatever disgusting cream flavor into the middle of the Oreo is possible.
Maybe we're a little different because this. I don't mind, you know what I mean. I don't mind innovation. I actually yearn for it.
I think Oreo being the.
Taco Bell of cookies is kind of It means they're forward thinking and they're willing to push the boundary.
I think that's great. What I can't stand is when something is Oreo flavored. But like so much of an Oreo is the spirits of seeing the like the runes on the Oreo. Oh and it is a run the mysterious is a medallion or a rune that could open a portal. It's whatever's on there. I don't know. It's the one thing conspiracy theorists just have not latched on. Come you imagine twisting that and it starts to glow. You put them at the like five points of a star and something insane happens, like the milk you're about to dip it in becomes a whirlpool, storm clouds gather. Wow, this is an Oreo commercial. Yeah, they should do that. Okay, Now we have to kind of just remind Oreo that we've created this and the money should be just to where to write that to send the check. Absolutely, Okay. So you don't like the Oreo flavor in a thing, No, I don't, But I like the fact that Oreo is now like, here's nacho cheese flavor Oreo. They didn't do that. You're being hyperbolic. You're being hyperbolic.
They make like Lady Gaga chromatical oreos, which I don't even know what those are.
I think those are just like vanilla with sprinkles probably, but they do really like a sour patch kids Oreo, which is one of the most disgusting foods I've ever put in my mouth. It is revolted a sour Patch kid. No, a sour Patch kid oreo? Oh bro, why did you eat that? That's crazy because it was there.
I think really, fruity sour flavors are not meant to be in any kind of baked good.
No, I think it's crazy. It's two worlds that were never meant to cross paths. Wait, which sower Patch kids like different fruits? Like different? I mean, first of all, that's the beginning of the problem, because like there's the red, the yellow, the green, the orange. No one likes the green or the yellow. Is the green apple? I think it's lime and lime artificial flavor. You've got to be very careful.
Well, I could see like a key lime oreo, you know, vanilla cookies and a lime interior.
But you're all over the place here because the key lime oreo. And we're talking about the flavors of the sour Patch kids, the sour Patch kids.
If I took the lime sower Patch kid, and I created a kind of gestreak, Okay, sure, I created a gas streak erb er blanc from its viscera, and I made a cream and I put it between two Crispy Vanilla cookies. I think it would be delicious.
But see, I think this is the problem with this particular cookie, because I don't think sour Patch kids ever really wants to name what their flavors are, because on the bag, I don't think it tells you like cherry orange, lemon lime. It's just it's the name of the children. Yes, it's like the different children's names. Samantha, Christie, pass me a Christy. Samantha's gross. What are the other two names? Oh, they have to be boys. Yeah, you've got crazy it you name this. I already named that. David oh oh oh wait, who was Oh?
Well, his name is David too. I was gonna say, who's the badass kid from that book?
What was like? No David? Oh? Oh? Ramona Ramona Ramona from the book series.
Henry also from the same book series. And maybe what's another man's name?
Ikabod Ichabod, Yeah, Ikobod, Christie Samantha, Yeah, I think I already forgot the other name you gave. It actually doesn't matter what was it, but I'd like to assign these two colors. People can start spreading.
The word Christy Samantha Vinnie Vinnie.
Okay, you get to pick what color you are red, okay, oh wow, spoiled. Okay. I think orange is Christie. Orange is Christy. Yeah, yellow ichabod kind of a sickly kind of icky like thickabod and io Samantha is now green. Yeah. So let's kind of trying to get the word out about that. I think, So, what did they do? What do they do professionally? Yeah? What as a group do they do something? They? I think they're an ad sales. It's like, okay, I was thinking more along the lines of solve mysteries. You're you're thinking of like a mad men's situation. They smoke, they drink, and there's the children. They are children, but they're bad. You know, they're sour. I forgot about the kids element. Yeah, yeah, that's interesting. You would love a sour patcha adult sour patch adults. I wonder if they've ever tried that patchman, I don't know, maybe they should. And it's huge, they're full size. I guess a sour patch adult probably would need to be like four or five inches tall, I think, because you can't just have it be the same size as the children. But then if it's four or five inches tall, then the kid starts to look like an embryo. Okay, so smaller for the adult maybe yees. So it's probably two inches tall, two inches tall for the adult. But it has to be demse it's gotta be thick. It don't has to be two inches tall, but way half abound disgusting, no beautiful, but okay, okay, I agree the lime flavored oreo, but then it's just gotta be a lime Actually, I think they do have a key lime oreo. To be honest, it's not a sour patch. I think. I think it sounds good. I like the risks they take. I think it's a bad move. I think it's a bad look for Nabisco. Oh my god. They and I also don't under I have to imagine it's bad for the environment. I'm switching up the flavors all the time.
I think it is, aren't they taking all the diet of everything. Robert Kennedy and his.
His little tea dying crusade. Every crusade from him is a dying crusade because of the way he sounds. He is. It's terrifying and hopefully other things, Uh, there's he's croaking, he's tan. Yeah, he's lifting weights and.
He's crazy, he's fucking do you know what I mean? Like that man is pulling, he's cheating on his wife every five minutes with some angenoux.
And no one, no one that's involved in this other than him, is enjoying it. No, no, look, you're giving everyone the benefit of the doubt here. I think some of the like these women are falling in love with him, and it must be like having sex with a honey baked ham. I truly, it's generous. You think a honey bake ham has moisture. Robert F. Kennedy is a moist man. There's no way.
I never looked at him and thought he looks dry. I think he's covered in a film at every turn, like a honey baked If.
He has any level of moisture, it's like a dusty can of peaches. Do you like find like rolling across a splooshe from holes for some reason that I'm sorry, But if I'm standing by him being dry as a bone, okay, it's a real jerky element.
I think he's covered in a kind of tacky glaze. I think the same way like hippopotamus is sweat, kind of a waxy film.
I think that's what happens. And sure, on the inside he might be dry and maybe even creaky, but on the outside covered in a thin glaze. I think at the at least his mouth is bone dry. Oh. Absolutely, the tongue is furry, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. That mouth just ash, absolute cigarette, just like sandpaper. You kiss him and your lips are smooth. Immediately afterwards, he sucks some moisture out of you completely. Yeah, but I feel like these women that he's cheating with. Yeah, enter the situation thinking this is gonna be great. Absolutely, but then it's, of course it's terrible. No, of course it is.
Every time I see him working out, I'm like, when that man sleeps with you, he must heave, do you know what I mean? Like, it's a it's a kind of heaving experience.
You're getting dust blown in your face.
You're getting dust blown in your face, You're trapped underneath. He's probably red as a cherry tomato right the blood.
His eyes are popping out of his head. But yeah, eyes popping out of the head, bleeding on the in the corners. Has somebody like flying through a windshield. Yeah, his legs broken and backwards and bent. His nipples grating nipples like thumb tacks. We're earning the explicit podcast nipples like thumbtack, just forcing people to imagine r FK in this situation. Our FK reach out. We need to answers to these questions. Maloney flash, there's he looks so much like a cured meat product to me. Yeah, and then Cheryl stands by him. Oh, brother, Cheryl, Cheryl, she's another one. Oh brother, she's another one.
I don't understand when people are married to absolute freaks and they act like nothing is you know what I mean.
It's just like just looking completely the other wise. How do you go to a party and look someone in the eye. I can't imagine. I'd be so embarrassed to even text a friend, yeah them knowing this is your partner. Yeah I would. I would just have to stay at home the rest of my life. And do you think it would be worth it after we've well, we've just described absolutely we now know why Cheryl's still in it. Yeah, free meat, free meat meat for Cheryl. I wonder if I would love to know, like, because I'm sure at least in the past they would go to parties with what I would assume our normal people, and I'm sure every time he made a complete asshole of himself in conversation. And what are those cars? Because I also assume at some point she wasn't totally lost, which I feel like she's lost at this point. I also am kind of conflating her with her character on herby your enthusiasm, who's so common sense? I's a mistake, Yeah, but I wonder what those car rides home were like. They're probably like this. Well, and that's him talking about his day and neither of them can hear each other over him blasting arrowspid. I think that's probably what it was.
Yeah, it's him ramming his feet Fred Flintstone style through the bottom of the car and insisting he's gonna run at home because real men don't let anyone carry them or anything. And then he's talking about how Jewish people are creating acid rain and black people are addicted to it. And then he's talking about how fluoride is actually poisoned from the eye of a giant and she's eating it up at every turn because he thinks he's so beautiful kind of like a contemporary.
Sculpture, tears rolling down her face, just joy. Yeah, just hand on the window looking out. How did I find this guy? Or maybe she's part of it? She might be part I mean when you stick around in a marriage like that, questions have to be asked. Yeah, sticking around because physically he's sticky. He's just he probably is sticking man. Yeah, maybe not moist, but sticky. Yeah. I will say I just made it. I made a mistake.
We kind of I thought once you unwrap this gift that you were starting to wrap up the presentation, and so I was starting like the presentation the podcast.
I shut down the power point yeah.
Yeah, and I was starting to hug away a little bit, and then I was like talking about Robert F. Kennedy, and I was like, oh, surely I keep talking about Robert Kennedy, but he doesn't want to because he unwrapped the gift, and therefore the podcast is wrapping up.
No, but that was a mistake on my end. You bring up RFK and that's the beginning of the podcast. You think this is the start. We should talk a little bit more about the tea. Oh yeah, absolutely, you did bring this. Yeah, how often are you drinking a tea? I drink tea all the time, all the time. I mostly drink green teas.
And there's a Oh, there's a wonderful black tea what called morning Thunder. Oh from Celestial Seasonings, Colorado based company. If you ever get a chance to tour their factory in Boulder, you have to take.
I love a factory tour. Oh so do I. I think it's like, Oh, it's so much fun. I haven't done. I think the last one I did was jelly Belly, which unfortunately is a I think kind of a they're so tied to Ronald Regan, that's a tough jelly belly is He loved jelly bellies, and I think the the urban legend is that they would give him the jelly bellies to make his mouth move so they could put in like a d r in speech, almost like the Yes, they were shoving jelly bellies in Ragan's gums to make him slop around a word. He was eating the buttered popcorn, and then meanwhile.
Addressing the nation, I digress, you were begging me to talk about tea and now.
Flapping. What I'm trying to do is always bring it back to a conservative luned.
The tea is wonderful. I think it's a good tea. It's a great tea for guests.
Okay.
I try to give a box to everyone I know, so if I'm over their house, I know they have good tea.
Oh what a good self serving idea, I think.
So.
I think it's great.
Sometimes they go over there and if I just want an herbal tea, and they'll be like, I have Zinger.
I want Zinger. You want to glazed lemon loke, I want to glaz want. I want a piece of tea that tastes like a cup of taste. And it is.
It is so spot on, and I honest truly can't believe I'm the second person to bring this to you. I do blame my mother because she introduced me to this tea. She bought me a couple of boxes and she was like, you have to try.
It's delicious.
And I was under the impression that because I hadn't heard of it and it was new for her, that it's new for every right, But I should know from past experiences that she's not always up on the newest things, right, She's very behind. She's very behind For example, she once texted me my brother and my sister in law, and she said, when you guys come out here to visit, we must take you to this new restaurant.
It's called Mendocino.
Farms, and they have a delicious vegan on me. Godless, yeah, absolutely, god bless. And she was jazzed about Mendosino Farms. She thought it was a local farmers.
Well they you know, they don't give you too much information of Mendocine. They don't where is the farm? They don't say anything. There's no farm, there's none. I don't think there's a farm. Oh there's multiple, there's some multiple farms. I don't know where they're sourcing their goods. Mendocino make salads in the name, what are you talking about? You don't know why any of that's coming from Mendocine. Are you kidding me that.
Beyond beef is from Mendosino. I could chasee the Mendozino air wherever I go. But anyway, I love his tea. I think it's great. Put it in a mug, put it in a I think it pairs wonderfully with Milano cookies. Oh yeah, and if you want to put together a little platter. Milano cook cook me. I'm in a weird place with words. I'm still learning them. Milano cookies. Bochi chocolate.
Okay, I've never heard of a bochi chocolate. Never heard of a bochi chocolate? What's that? Bochi chocolates are like there Italy's answer to Ferrero rochet. Oh yes, I know what a Bochi chocolate is. White is crispy. But there is a hazelnut. There's like a whole hazel light crunch. Oh yeah, your teeth do almost a pop. Well, you look disgusted.
It's not like biting into a large grub, not bear grills. It's a chocolate and it's wonderful, and I heard all of you to try it. This is not a tea for.
This is not a tea to have with like dinner. You know what I mean. This is not because it's not going with a vegan bond me. Certainly, No, absolutely not. That's more of a greene, I would say. So, this is a tea you have after dinner with a few chocolates and a few friends and a deck of cards and conversation, great.
Conversation in your conversation pit and and your and your whippets. Your Italian greyhounds are running around. Your whippets are running around the house, tearing it up. You have birds, they're they're nipping at your guests too.
You're not apologized. I'm not apologizing.
I simply say they have a hurting instinct. It's not true. It's absolutely not true.
And when there's music, oh there's there's Gregorian chant again, too loud to hear over, too loud to hear over. People are yelling at each other and it's driving the whippe. It's mad. That's why they're fighting.
And that's the whippets are going mad because of the chant. And to top it all off, you have a nice hot cup of tazz oak Laize lemon loaf.
It is such a good tea and it's you know, it's like naturally sweet, which is always shocking to me, just like us, just like you and I? Hey are you? Has everybody has anyone ever brought a repeat gift before? Other than this? I feel like somebody has, And I wish I could on ealise. If you have any idea trying to make me feel better, I'm gonna kill myself.
I don't think so.
But Vinnie. I just think this makes you extra special, so you think absolutely why I just disagree on that point. Donalice is just trying to That's what I would say to a kid who like pissed himself like in front of the class, like no one else pissed themselves. A unique your star. No, I think this might be the first repeat gift, and I think it's because it speaks to the to the quality of the glazed lemon loaf tea. Do they make another baked tea? Thank you? I'm very curious they do.
I believe the only other baked good is the vanilla maquon. Oh interested vanilla, which I'm not as interested in, No, neither ofm I because it's what it's vanilla, simply vanilla.
There's no other note to that makes a maquon. A ma is the texture, like that's the most of it. It's the egg white, it's the way it crunches, and it's like chewy in the middle. It's three ingredients, what egg, sugar, vanilla? Shut up? Maybe color, I think so maybe color? Maybe color if you want to go get extra fans. Otherwise, it's just a white cookie.
Me in a boardroom in the early sixties, trying to integrate a TV show. Maybe color, Maybe we try color. Got a crazy idea of the idea.
Yeah, that that feels like a bad idea. On Toaso's part, Toaso, Tazzo, Taso, Oh my god, that's the question that we're all asking. Let me look at it. You got a guys, close look at that.
It feels something about It feels Eastern European to me. So I would say, I would say like, and then backwards it's like was Zette and I think, and that's exactly what it is.
I would have guessed my initial guests would have been Rago. But Taso, Tazo, What did you say, Tezo?
You're never gonna make it over there? Let me say something, You're never gonna make it in the Baltic States. The color of the box, which I also think needs to be discussed.
Yes, beautiful, gorgeous, although there's an element to this that I'm a little like it feels a little off brand, which is the splat.
You're talking about the blood spatter, Yes, yeah, yeah, you're talking about the Dexter. You're talking about the Dexter dark purple blood splatter behind lemon there's just a blast of purple goo. I feel like they had this box and it was perfectly designed and it was beautiful, and women designed it, and then a man looked at it and he was like, yeah, lady, step aside, and he was like, the bread doesn't look mean. He was like, the bread needs to look badass or people aren't going to buy this. It needs to look like it's about to walk into an m m A ring and fight. And so he was like, let's throw some splats behind the bread.
And it looks like a character selects screen in a fighting game. It really does.
It's like tech in, Yeah, pick your five shirt and it's glazed lemon loaf.
That's a fighting game I could get you. Absolutely makes goods. It's a Nina from Techan slapping a glaze lemon loaf like this, like glazeed lemon loaf, ripping someone's head off. Oh like more reality.
Yeah, it drags the spine out of someone. It doesn't have any arms or anything. It just sits there. You can't see what it's doing. It's all telekinetic and it's tearing someone to pieces.
But yeah, that is an odd element to this box. I feel like maybe I mean, what else do you put behind this? A couple of lemons and a bottle of vanilla?
A couple of lemons. A couple of lemons euphemism for gay people in the early forties. There's a couple, a couple of lemons over there. I do think it needs to be dark behind the lemon loaf because the background. Stop yell at me, because the lemon loaf is so light, you can't just have the right behind it. So I would do I would do purple, and I would bring it up to make it darker with the lemon loaf thing, the rest of the box white, with the kind of light ome bray at the bottom right.
Kind of a downpour, caught in the rain, kind of a cut in the rain downpour. That makes sense for ot. Yeah, you're gonna drink. You know, you're watching the rain outside. We're painting a picture. You do on a podcast, you paint a picture for the listener, Oh for the I was, Oh my god, here's one thing about me is I'm dumb? Because you said you dumbis Mantle.
I thought you were talking about how you painted, and I said, wonderful. Tell me about what you tell me about your work.
Uh No, we're just we're you know, we're trying to be as visual for the listener as possible. Yeah, you sit down and you're in a big cozy sweater. You have strep throat. You have strep throat, and your whippets are running around sixty miles an hour constant. There's always whippets. Are you imagining the whippets fresh from the race track? Yeah? Those are racing dogs, aren't they. I hope. I feel like if they look like that and they weren't for racing, if they don't move quickly. But luck, you're built like an antelope. What are you for? You're not for cuddling? I know that much.
Sharp ass dogs, they are sharp, oh points all over the place. You run your hand down the spine and it's like playing a xylophone.
It's insane, but you know, yeah, glad they're here. Glad they're here.
Glad I keep linking at their camera. Yeah, fucked up, but they keep looking at the camera.
You can use that for like a rescue organization, animal rescue. Yeah, that footage will be clipped out and adopt. Don't shop, find a whipp it. Yeah, skinny dogs. I run a rescue only for skinny dogs. I bet that exists. They've got one for everything, absolutely, And I do think that those racing dogs, when they're no longer race worthy, I'm sure whatever cruel owner has them just sends them off to die. Yeah. Glue factory. Glue factory probably what still happened? Did that ever happen?
Yeah?
I have it because you derive glue from the collagens in the hoof right right.
But postly that situation where it's like, oh, we can't use this horse anymore, or is it like we're breeding the horse for the glue. Oh?
I don't think they were ever breeding horses for a glue. I think animal brye products. And let's get into it. Yes, animal byproducts after the slaughter of the animal that were not fit for human consumption were sent to the glues to be derived. Okay, that makes a little more sense, I think so, which is why that Elmer's logo is a bull.
Oh my god, that is so dark. Think about it. Wow, dark but dryes clear. They really they make it seem such a fun He's like the sun. He's like, I'm happy to be sacrificing myself. Absolutely, but it's just like the sun on the sunscreen bottles, Like that's what's trying to kill you, right, you know what I mean. But at least that like the sun isn't dying. Well, actually the sun is dying.
Yeah, very that is absolutely dying. But anyway, No, they're not melting dogs down for glue. They're just burying them or burning them.
Just sending them off into the city to buy children. There are organizations that save greyhounds. Uh right, right kind of uh yeah, because again these people just breed them to chase the little thing around the track. Yeah, and then it's like their career is over. What do they do? You know, it's like a pro ballplayer, Yeah, with NBA players, Yeah, Blue Factory.
Could you imagine if it was dogs, they become correspondence to talk about dog racing, Like there's a Charles Barkley of.
Start their own clothing line this kind of thing. Oh my god, it's a possibility for snow one. It would not be body inclusive. A greyhound starts a clothing line and oh yeah, that's the waist is all snatched in bulldogs, begging them to make clothes that are more inclusive, posting about them, just calling them out constantly, and they deserve to be called out. They do. It's messed up Italian snobs. Italian snobs, which, by the way, are the miniature versions of aun. Oh so the regular greyhound comes from elsewhere. The regular greyhound is big. I don't know where it's from.
But the whipp it rush off. But the whipp it is very tiny. That it's a tiny from Italy. So the whipp it is a greyhound, yeah, in.
Italian, but he like tiny, It's like a toy greyhound. I thought those were separate breeds. I think they are. You just told me a whippet is a greyhound.
Oh my god, a whippet I think is a whippet and an Italian greyhound. Because if it is, then yes.
Now you're asking me. You presented this information. Is a whippet an Italian greyhound on a lease.
They are different, they are, but they're both considered sighthounds.
So sighthound, yes, they're part of the same family. Yeah, okay, sighthound is different than a miniature greyhound, is different than a whippet. Yes, let's just I think we need to consolidate. Oh yeah, one greyhound and let them breed. Yeah, just let those ones breed. We've got too many of these things. There are dogs we don't need. Hugs, the poor pug, the plight of the plug.
God, every time I hear one of those things breathe, a pug or like a French French bulldog, terrifying, just bread to die for people to squeeze a wolf into the shape of a human baby.
If that it's like a sour dough loaf. It's like a barely a shape. Yeah, it's barely a shape. I mean, God blessed. We love all that. I love dogs, but these the ones that are the fact that we keep breeding them, yeah, is crazy and making them even smaller and less able to survive. Yeah, poor little things, poor, the poor DearS or the poor DearS. Well, is there anything left to say about tea? I git me here. I'm glad you're giving this a good effort.
Okay, The box says, revel in a dessert worthy tea with tangy notes of lemon and velvety creamy vanilla. And at every turn they're right. It is glazed lemon loaf flavor with other natural flavor. God only knows what that is.
Yeah, that's always you know it starts to raise some red flags. The ingredients. Can you guess the first ingredient? Do you think in claze?
Lemon, left tea, black tea, apples and apples? Okay, the first ingredient is apples, natural flavor, green rebos oh, which is really good tea, orange, peel, cammameal, rose, petals, liquorice, root, ginger.
No lemon, no lemon at all. So they're taking the apple and maybe using the acidic element of an apple to create lemon or I mean natural flavors. That covers a lot of ground. That could mean almost anything. There's no way to know. Imported from Morocco. Morocco. Yeah, excellent tea. What else do you want me to say? I'll do more? What's more about the tea? No? Oh, here's and here's what it says in the back. Are you ready? It's kind of cheeky. Yes, we've got our own thing brewing. Oh boy.
We're on a quest to be the most bold. It's in bold, unexpected teamakers. We're also in bold, always curious, always questioning, what's this bold flavor? What's that bold aroma? We love to dive in and stir things up.
We're half curious kid, half intrepid explore.
Who wait, and there's a third losing meita though half undaunted alchemist. Yes, one and a half that spirit. We bring it to tea. We do it through unexpected blends with a twist, so you can bold taste vibrant, undiscovered flavors the world has stashed away.
You just think of the emotionless copywriter typing that out. No, she was feeling herself when she was typing this. Are you kidding me? Very? We do things a little differently around here. Yeah, you can't read that without smiling. Dessert delight. She said. One thing about me is I love wine and I'm gonna drink it. Every Dane's like get so. When they unveiled a new wine glass, they unveiled a new one. When Apple unveiled their new wine.
Glass, when Apple unveiled their thinnest wine glass yet, I was beside myself.
Okay, I think it's tarting to play a game. God, Praise God, Praise this tea. I need a number between one and ten from you, between one and ten. Yes, I'm going to give you six. Okay. I have to do some light calculating to get our game pieces. Okay, so right now, you can promote, recommend, do whatever you want with the microphone. I'll be right back. Yeah, I'm going to be in a movie that comes out on Amazon Prime Video at the end of this month that we're recording this in January called You're Cordially Invited, and I'm doing a half hour with Zach Zimmerman at the Kennedy Center on February twenty. First, why am I looking at the TV? I should be looking at that.
This whole time, I've been looking at the camera, and then I started looking at the timer, so I start looking like you have a vision trouble or soth. Oh, it's gonna look like context. I have big stupid eyes, so it's gonna look like a vision trouble.
Terrified. I was cock eyed for years, but I was a kid. Oh, because they're like when you open them really wide, it just truly is like, what does cock eyed mean?
I don't know, it might be offensive. Cock eyed once another euphemism for being gay. Cock eyed lemon loaf, Yeah, you cock eyed lemon loaf? Yeah, So I guess that's the stuff. I also platonic on Apple TV. Plus I'm in that, So is that thank you beautifully.
Use time. We're gonna play a game called Gift or a Curse. I'm going to name three things. You'll tell me if there are a gift or a curse and why, and then I'll tell you if you're right or wrong, because there are correct answers and you can lose, so be careful, all right, all right? Number one, This is from a listener named Brooklyn. Gift or a curse. When recipes say enjoy in the last step of the instructions, that's a curse. Why don't tell me what to do? You know what I mean? Enjoy is crazy. I haven't made your little recipe yet. Like, don't don't tell someone to enjoy it. Invite them to enjoy it. Say enjoy, but no worries. If not, say enjoy if you feel enjoy, girl, stop yelling. I would say a curse. Correct. Correct, it's a curse when you say enjoy at the end, you're I mean, first of all, the recipe writer is assuming a lot about themselves. It's a real cocky move to be like, maybe I won't enjoy it. They don't know if I'm going to enjoy it or not exactly, so maybe wait until I've tried it to and then say did you enjoy? Follow up or instead of an exclamation point, maybe a question mark. Enjoy. Enjoy really call into question everything that you've done. Yeah, be humble, Be humble. That's ultimately what everyone needs to be doing. And when I say see the word enjoy at the end, the sense of professionalism has gone out the window. I no longer trust you as a cook or baker. You're now a friend. Take that guy theory. I hope his recipes. Does he have recipes? Does guy share recipes? I don't know. I don't think he has recipes. I think his recipes are like cover it in gees and tear it up, brother, throw it on the grill, Throw it on the grill, Bobby Flay. Okay, Enjoy is a curse. It's a ridiculous thing to put at the end of anything very well played. Number two This is from unknown, which is always so eerie to me. Gift or a curse. Barely keeping alive a houseplant that always looks to be on the verge of dying.
Oh my god, this one's hard because I do have a plant like that. I love bringing it back because I feel how I imagine a surgeon feels after resuscitating someone or something. I would say, I would say it's a gift for me and a curse for the plant ultimately. But I do find it to be a beautiful experience. And when the plant, when the plant quickly responds to my giving it water, I'm like, oh, I did the right thing. But then inevitably it drinks the water too quickly. I don't water it in time, and it droops again. And so it's just kind of this endless cycle of abuse between me and the plant. But I do feel like it's a gift. Yeah, but it's a curse.
Correct, It's a gift. I mean what you've just described. You can have your own little psycho situation. You have this captive. You get to play your own little psycho game with the plant. Also, it's a nice way to let your friends know that you're hanging by a thread. You invite them over and they see that out of the corner of their eye you're serving them this tea. It seems okay. Then they're like, I think something is going on with Finny, so let's all be sensitive to him right now. Reach out when you can. What kind of plant is yours that you abuse. There is one plant that I have in the house that like really lets me know that it's getting sick, which I appreciate actually, because the rest of them kind of keep to themselves until they're dying, until they're basically off the right beyond help. This one. It has kind of some dark leaves and it totally freaks out when it's dry. I put it under some water. Half hour later it's back and healthy again. So I do appreciate being able to it gives. It's a bit of a God complex situation, absolutely, just like you depend on me, and what is God if not complex? Yes, so kind of the psycho element of it ultimately is a gift. Okay, you've gone two out of three. We'll see what happens with this third one. This is from a listener named Paul. Oh, this is interesting. This is kind of connected to the last one. We've got a dying theme gift or a curse. People who tell you they have been legally declared dead for fifteen minutes. Oh my god.
Well, okay, and you're asking about not the experience itself, but the people who tell you about their experience are dead.
I would say it's a curse.
If they all saw the same thing, I would say it's a gift, but they rarely do. And also, if you were dead for fifteen minutes, you weren't dead. I'm here to tell you that you were barely alive, which is different dead for fifteen minutes. If your brain didn't have oxygen for fifteen minutes, you would not be telling me the fun story about you being dead for fifteen minutes. Yeah, Vinnie, I can't believe this move. I think you might be the second winner in a row.
The game is falling apart. Are you kidding me? It's absolutely a curse, Yes, very much, for the same reasons. You were not dead there simply were not dead unless legally declared. What are we talking about. Did you have a notary come in and stamp the certificate? Like, sit up your body? Did they get your somebody to come identify your body that quickly? Yeah, you weren't dead, baby, No, you were just you were in between states exactly second of all fifteen minutes. Anyway, anybody can do anything for fifteen minutes. It's not that impressive come back when it's been like six hours. I was dead for six hours. Okay, now I'm starting to believe you were dead.
A seal can hold its breath for fifteen minutes. Do you think I care if you died for fifteen minutes?
Hold my breath for fifteen minutes. I haven't tried, but I'm sure I could. We'll get there. Get there, gig. It might lead to me being legally declared dead for fifteen minutes. But then I've done two things in a day, of course, and what has this person done? Died? It's nothing. All you have to do is lie down. It's not interesting now, of course not. It's boring. You should have been doing You could have been doing something with your time with those fifteen minutes. You could have painted a picture called a friend. Instead you were lying on a table somewhere, ready to brag about this at a party. Could have done like sixteen backflips. You could have done at least sixteen very slow backflips. Wait are they faster? I've never done a backlip. I feel like a backflip takes about three seconds. You can do a backlib. I can do it. Yeah. That's kind of how I launched this podcast. I came to the network and I said, would you like a host who can do a backflip, as Dylan adlerman on you he has Can he do a backflip? Have you not? He?
He had this whole debacle where he was He went to Universal Studios and there were a bunch of kids gathered around watching the They were like Harry Potter dancers doing their little dance and Dylan walks in between the audience and those dancers and does a flip and then like like walks away and like shrugs, and he got so much hate online. Is the funniest thing in the world. How did I miss?
It?
Was like, look at the attention whore doing backflips at Universal in front of children, and I can't believe it was really funny. Just look up Dylan Adler backflip.
It also makes perfect sense for Dylan Adler as a person who's such a sweetheart but also uh, can get attention very quickly, addicted to being seen, yes, absolutely, but also like not doesn't want to be seen. He's such a complicated person in such a fun one. Hey, uh huh to be in the middle of a Universal Studios showing up a bunch of teens, I'm so excited for you to see this eventually, you're really gonna love it. Well, you won the game. I don't know what to say. It's a little upsetting. We've got to make the game harder. Onal's now Anali's has their own version of gift or a curse? Onalise, what is yours for today?
Gift or a curse? Clapping for Nicole Kidman at AMC do you want to go?
Where should I go? You go? Curse? Are you kidding me? Wow? What year? What year is it? At this point? The fact that people are still doing this, I'm sorry to rain on everybody's parade, but I'm I'm sorry the fun we had with the Nicole Kidman in those first two weeks of twenty twenty two or whatever the hell. Yeah, we've got to put it behind us, I think.
And I was a little thrown at first because you did say, clapping for Nicole Kidman. I thought, like in general, like especially early on, it was beautiful. It was like the pledge of allegiance for people who were kind of lonely. And now it's just especially because they've cut it short. You go to MC now and it's like two seconds, like we love movies, and they cut it and it's like a trailer, right, so I would say it is now cross the line into curse.
It's a curse territory of like dressing up as Walter White for Halloween, where it's just like, I think we left that behind us a long time ago. Actually we're different. That's insane.
If someone dressed like Walter White for Halloween now, that would be amazing.
I guess we've probably crossed the threshold of it, like being an old idea for a costume into a new.
I think you don't experience whimsy. I think that's most of your problem. I think most of your problems are derived from the fact that you don't experience.
People clapping for Nicole Kidman's AMC commercial. Now that is not whimsical. That's irritating. There was there was a period when it was whimsical. Yeah yeah, but now it's a I saw people clapping about it online and now I'm on the train one hundred years late.
If they kept redoing it and making it like different and better and like heightening it, sure, absolutely, but they've kept it the same, which is crazy.
Us.
We all clapped four years ago. Probably every month. She should be doing something. In addition, to by. Now she should be like riding a bike up the stairs. Lie from New York. It's the movie you're watching, you know what I mean? Hula hoop?
Oh my god, Yeah, riding a horse, firing a gun.
Riding a horse, firing a gun. Yes, at the horse. Time for the movies to begin. On it, just on.
At least you have final answer on a least killing a horse while on it.
It's a gift, you guys, gift.
It will always be a kidding me. How many things can unite us still and conservatives on the bandwagon. Once they do a new one, Okay, they've.
Got to bring in a new celebrity. At this point, they've killed it. They have killed it. They've got to bring a new celeb Yeah, Keith Urban Is right there, Shut up, you beast, Keith Urban. We would all so shocked and confused. We would be clapping out of confusion, you little creature. Keith urban Is. So that's such a strange pull. It's it's oh fuck is he? I just think it's so sad. That was such a weird poll for AMC. Exactly. That's what they need to do. They've got to really go. They've got to make a turn that nobody's expecting. Michelle Liah Michelle, Yeah, Honalsalis, you are you are off a la then ice is all I'm going to say. Boots then ice period. We're going to limit your time on the microphone. Yeah, I'm gonna have a button that I'm gonna be able to push to let you into the pod. And you know we're gonna limit your time in the sunshine as well. Well, we were both correct here. Okay, Well did you you said curseor I think ur I kind of dragged you in? Uh, Analis's Unfortunately, we're starting to question their value as a producer, which is tough. Uh. This is the final say of the podcast. People write into I said no gifts at gmail dot com, begging for answers to life's issues, gift giving issues, this kind of thing. Will you help me answer a listener question? Yes, okay, let me get into the document here. Okay, this says dear Bridger and guest. My brother A is getting married soon to a woman I genuinely adore who I'll call N. Earlier this fall, I threw the bridle shower for N. I'm sorry this person put the letters at the initials and quotes. Huh. Now, I threw the bridle shower for N, which ended up costing more than expected. I bought a gift from the registry for the bridal shower. I am also a bridesmaid and have to pay for and have paid for the dress, hair and make up for the day of the wedding. Now I don't have a budget to get them another gift. How do I explain to my brother and N that I have already given them their wedding gift in a tasteful way. I don't want to. I don't want them to think I'm being cheap. Also ends love languages gifts. Who isn't At this point I hear this all the time. Also ends love language is gifts. So should I just suck it up and get them another gift? We are southern of the themes the way they tie in. Lord, we are southern and pathologically non confrontational, so any help is appreciated. Thanks. That's from L.
Let me start by saying this. You know what's a free gift? The gift of tongues?
A trip to church? A trip to church. I don't know.
People are allergic to making things. Now, if you want to give a gift. You can make.
Things and you don't have to spend any money.
Grab some old coupons, make an or got me crane, make a little note, say I hope you enjoyed all the shit I gave you before, you know, in like a polite way.
Sure, I'm so proud of you. You know what I mean.
Or make make your sister feel bad, Say I've fallen on some hard times.
I'm really This is kind of my usual way of going about things to tell people kind of the sick plant. Start carrying the sick plant around. Walk up to you, Droopy, it's your wedding date. Yeah, I think you're fine. If you take a sick plant to this wedding, there will that will there will be no questions about gifts. They won't be thinking about that in any way. They'll be thinking about ell Leah Michelle, why did you bring the sick plant to the wedding? To me? And Nicole Kidman and Nicole Kidman and a Andrew Keith we all know his first name is Andrew. Absolutely couldn't have made a career out of Andrew Urban No, absolutely Keith's that was the key to his success. I think even if you don't get any gift. Here's what she's gonna do. She's gonna think to herself, why didn't they get me a gift? And if she's smart, she'll put it together. And if she's not smart, really don't worry about it. You're gonna learn something about N's character here, because if N comes around demanding a gift or whatever, you know, you can kind of cut her off. Absolutely. She doesn't say anything. You think, oh she was taking. Well, now we can move on with our lives exactly. This is a sister in law I can now trust perfect Leah, don't write back in.
It's a simple problem, Leah, simple, clear cut. If you do make up some names, don't just use a letter.
Yeah, make up, use your imaginations. We just did this. Yeah, we got to the bottom of Keith Urban's first name and almost a split second. And meanwhile, this person is so worried about giving gifts that they can't come up with three imaginary names. No embarrassing, it's humiliating. Use chat GPT. This is why we're throwing away water. Don't do that. It's to create fake names for letters to podcast. You have to cut this, you have to cut get on chat GPT say I need three names. Oh my god, speed up the water warst GBT for three names is hilarious. You are three functioning member of society. They have to like kill a penguin in order to run the system. Blood everywhere to find out a nance you, Lisa, And what is a third a name? Aaron? Aaron, Aaron, Get on chat EPT, don't don't do it well? We answered the question perfectly, I think so. I have yet again another beautiful box of tea that will last me for who knows how long. But hope this always comes handy. When I'm sick, I put a squirt of actual lemon in there. I'm on top of the world. Okay, maybe drink it when you're healthy too. It's nice. I want to think of you when I'm sick, when I'm at my lowest, hanging by a thread. Does it happen a lot? I hope it happens a lot. I'm sick constantly yay in and out of the hospital, and I take my tea at the hospital. Of course, they I'm a nightmare. Go into the e R. They ask me if I want the usual, bring me my mulanos and lemon lemon loaf tea. Well, thank you for the tea, thank you for being here, thank you for having me and listener, the podcast is over. There's nothing you can do to stop what's about to happen. Despite everything in your world and how dark things are about to get for you, you have to stop listening to the podcast. I love you, goodbye. I said, No Gifts is an exactly right production. Our senior producer is on Alisa Nelson, and our episodes are beautifully mixed by Ben Holliday. The theme song is by miracle Worker Amy Mann, and we couldn't do it without our booker, Patrick Cottner. You must follow the show on Instagram at I said No Gifts, that's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see the gifts? And why did you hear? Fun? A man?
Myself perfectly clear, But you're a guess, Tom.
M hmm.
You gotta come to me empty And.
I said, no, guest.
Your own presences presents enough that I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare to surbey me
