I Said No Gifts! A comedy interview podcast with Bridger WinegarBridger is unshaken when Eric Edelstein (Minx, Twin Peaks) forces a gift on him. The two discuss tornado warnings, prom, and Irish Goodbyes.
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Send a Question to I Said No Emails!
Well, I invited you. Hear Gonta made myself perfectly clear.
But you're a guest to my home.
You gotta come to me empty and I said, no guests, you're.
O presences presence en. I already had too much stuff, So how did you dare to surbey me?
Welcome to I said, no gifts. I'm Richard Winne.
Girl.
It's raining, you're hearing the rain. This is actually the second time we've started the episode due to whatever the circumstances in the world are. But you know, like I said in the first recording, we're taking a shower with nature. It's erotic, it's you know, it's borderline pornographic, and we're having the time of our lives. Let's get into the podcast. I love today's guest. It's Eric Edelstein. Eric, welcome back.
I'm sick. I love this rain. I grew up in the Northwest, and it's like Stockholm syndrome. I thing where it just feels like home to me.
You seem very at ease.
Yeah, it's great, right, and I couldn't be calmer at this point.
Oh come on, Although the tornado warning, yeah you told me that frightened me slightly. I have no preparedness for that at all.
While Analis was fixing things, you told me that there's been a tornado warning.
It's a slight tornado warning.
Yeah, tornado is not going to happen. The drama that goes on in the LA news from the world.
Yeah, the hurricane that we had. My moom was so scared. She was terrified. She thinks it's like Key West. We're having to board things. I'm like, it's about three inches of rain. Mom, We're fine. The dogs are still going out in it. Like, quit scaring my mother. People in the news.
The texts I get from my parents, and they don't help me. They just add to my anxiety. Like just wait until you're like you hear that I've been swept away, then you can start text.
Yeah.
I'm nervous enough already.
Oh you too, huh oh yeah, oh yeah, terrified inside.
So I wonder where the tornado would even hit.
I don't know. I think Seami Valley or somewhere probably.
Yeah.
Nice, they love us artistic types. The tornado won't come for us.
Man.
Come on, I mean, I'm from Salt Lake City and we had a tornado like twenty years ago. I think. I mean, it was a lot of drama for nothing. It was you know, it was something to look at, and I think it kind of Oh no, I'm like, somebody probably died, and but I can't imagine did somebody I don't know? Twenty years ago. It's the past, no no history.
Their daughter's listening right now. It's their favorite pot has been the one thing they found since mom died. This delightful podcast, and you sit here.
Mocking now she's finally leaving that review.
Oh there we go one star. Twenty years ago. My mother just went out for a short walk and Bridger. That's it, friend, That's how it all starts here.
Oh have you ever been close to a tornado? I feel like the Pacific Northwest is an experienced tornado.
No, it's pretty rare. It's one of those like Vancouver, Washington, where I grew up, had one in like the fifties or sixties, but there hasn't been one since. But this rain is this is even by Northwest standards? Is it really?
Yeah?
For the intensity and like the big drops and right, it's pretty wild and you know it's the stereotype of down your people just don't know how to drive it in, so I just that's an excuse for me to stay in with my dogs, throw on some TV. You know, I don't want to do it.
Man.
Right as we were discussing in the previous episode we recorded, I saw you a couple of nights ago at a birthday party for Sarah Tapscott.
She is the best, and I didn't know this. She didn't have a prom, so it was a prom theme party.
She went to boarding school, and she threw what was probably probably more expensive than my high school's prom. Oh I mean, I mean that's actually of course it was. I think prom cost one hundred dollars. But it was an extravaganza tattoos.
Bridger tattoos, and you and I both ducked the peer pressure and came in free. We left in free.
I came very close just because I walked up like I was going to I thought it was a temporary tattoo, and then kind of had to just float around like I was considering. I wasn't considering.
No, no, but I acted like I was considering.
Course.
And my wife's punk rock enough and has tattoos where she would maybe do it, and she gets things like maybe i'll get your initials on me, and there was a long pause where I think that was my cue to perhaps feeling you know what, babe, But those words never came. Scared of the needle. I'm not ready yet. It's gonna have to be a whole thing and a lot more planning before I get my first tattoos.
I wonder how much they were charging.
I think it was free. Wasn't it nice?
Free?
I think. I hope Scott's got that. I think so.
But see I came in thinking they were temporary tattoos and they were real, So it's like they must simply must be charging for these. If they were free, I would have gotten one just because of it was a bargain.
Yeah, you just don't want to get cheated. That's most of everything in La. You know how much stuff stuff I eat that like it's it's free, It's it's free. These skittles are free. Scrape for just free, it's free. I'm not here to be I'm not here to get cheated. It beat the system. Get in here.
You're not even donating blood?
No, never, I just hang outside the parking lot let them like, Yeah, i'd be plus, I'm coming back any more. Skittles.
Yeah, if I had known they were free, I probably would be sitting here with the tattoo.
Right would you? Though? Really as.
The street spot and said go for it, give me whatever you want, it's free.
And what would you've gotten? Like you told me? Or maybe thinking of your first what what are you narrowing it down to?
I mean, I think, uh, my dog passed away a couple of months ago, and I'm thinking about doing something for her. So, but that's that's the beginning and end of tattoos for me. I think that would be it and then move on. But if someone offers a free tattoo at a birthday party, they can do it to Sarah Tapscott's face could be on my back right now.
Ah, your back would be perfect. Come and she would love it. You would You would leave the MVP of the party, which is, let's be honest, what we're all seeking. I want to buzz about me like god, Eric is fun Boy just brought.
Life whispering that from a bush?
Oh yeah? Now are you a goodbye person or are you an Irish goodbye person? I say this I'm half Irish, so I think it's not a slur. I'm hoping.
I don't think it's a slur. I think that's something sisters.
In Ireland and kill Kenny. I'm so sorry if I've disparaged you, but like I've perfected it.
It's a great goodbye. It's also that's the same thing as a French exit.
Right, Oh, I've never heard the French exit. What's the French exit?
I mean, I'm I'm just assuming it's the same thing.
You just walk away, Yeah, And I think that's the is an extra forty five minutes, right, And nobody in the part, and nobody like Sarah doesn't want forty five goodbyes. No, Sarah's having your first goddamn prom and she's duck queen.
She won queen.
She won queen.
Uh.
The rigged election bridge.
It's a rig It's a nasty little thing they do over the east side on sunset.
It's a nasty little thing they do. But like, she doesn't want you and I like. And then there's the wait in line for everybody to give the goodbye, and you're doing the same time. It's like kaiser. So there's a wisp of wind and it's a large man leaving.
See I made this mistake at this party which I was planning on. Just I mean, this is the bridge or exit? Is I show up saying I'm leaving? That's what I say to the first person. I've been here too long, done, but goodbye. Yeah, So every person I see is I'm leaving soon, and at least you have something.
No, what actually was that? It's an Irish or it's a French exit in the UK, the Irish exit in the US.
What is happening? Elish exit in Germany? English exit in France. So nobody's everyone's pointing fingers.
I think we're tiptoeing around slurs here and we're just gonna.
Be light love every culture that Friday.
That is incredible info every a you know what that is. It's a Polish exit and I'm sure it's related to Wars in the thirteen hundred.
They got out.
Yeah, they got out. We were in there. They left, didn't even say goodbye. The tanks left. Oh that is amazing.
I had no clue. Wow, mind blown. But again, people should be embracing that exit. It's that the ideal way to leave a party.
No, for those of you on the fence right now, don't say goodbye. That doesn't want that, just leave and I'll do a slight tiptoe like I saw service in the photo booth right, and I kind of then just kind of put my head down, you know, as unobtrusive as a giant man could be. But I'm like, she doesn't want that. She's so she's a prompt.
She's got all these people to talk.
Oh so many I did.
I made a similar move, which was I was ready to leave, and I said, I do have to say bye to tap Scott, and then of course ran into nine other people on my way. There was an extra forty five. That's it too much.
No, it's too much. You just have to put your head down and lead.
Yeah, you just leave, be as rude as you possibly can.
That's it. That's it, and then get lunch with them later. And also, the thing I realized is like if people are doing a party, right, they don't remember, like it's all hazy, of course, And I think that's like the joy of my forties is realizing like nobody's sitting there wondering, oh my god, you know what Eric left and didn't say goodbye, And then there's like calling people, do you know what the hell happened that nobody cares.
Can you imagine what your life would be if you were worrying about that?
That was it for a long time. Really, I used to be yeah, you know, base level kind of people pleaser. And we're working through a road of access leads the palace of wisdom. But yeah, I used to worry about offending people too much. Okay, now it's great to like, No, they know me, they love me, we're all good. Sarah comes over and does craft night with my wife, I'll see her again. It's a delight.
My concern when I'm hosting a party is that I'm not talking to people enough. I don't care about the goodbyes any of that, but I'm just like, I just feel like i'm But that's what happens when you host the party.
That's it.
You just commit to that you're actually not going to get to have a meaningful conversation with anyone. No, and you'll feel like you're slighting every single person. Oh that's it, and that's what it.
Is, and they're gonna leave that party like you know it didn't talk to me. Fucking Bridger.
I will never go to another never.
I'm putting his name on the list. You know, good luck getting a job at Hulu. That pitch meeting is going to get canceled nine times. You know what, because we were at a goddamn prom and you did not saga. You didn't even come up and say hello. I didn't even get an eye contact, nothing, nothing. That's where my mind goes, like I'm gonna get blacklisted out and say goodbye to enough people. But no, it's it's great.
And then we were we were talking about prom. You did go to prom.
I went to prom, but I was not cool. This was fun because I feel reasonably cool.
Now where was your at?
This was at Central Catholic High School in Portland, Oregon.
Oh so it's Catholic Prom and in the gym.
Oh yeah, deeply in the gym like one twentieth of Tapscott's budget.
Wow.
No, there's no table money at Central Catholic, you.
Know, none of that balloons maybe so.
Pres and nuns monitoring. Wow, like with rule. But that wasn't an issue for me, Luckily. I was so scared and my head was sweating, and oh God, blessed late Bloomer, Bridger, late Bloomer.
I mean, it was not an issue for me.
That's like you come down here and you're you're in the land of like late bloomers and like detention. I used to be nothing called jug, which was justice under God for me if you make too many jokes and stuff, and like some prest and nuns embraced my irreverence. Many didn't, so I'd get jug justice under God or like I was in Japanese and I just learned how to swear and order water, and I learned how to write profanity. So I ended up in jug for a while, wrote smut for the school paper and got suspended from the school paper and ended up in jug.
What are some Japanese swear words?
What do you eat shit?
That's polite?
Yeah? Chin chin chiboute, which is an invitation for a sexual act.
This is horrible.
Two years of Japanese and may I have waters music by Mosca?
Okay?
And these are probably butchered and wrong. I feel terrible. This is all I know, and I kind of want to go back and relearn Japanese because I do love the culture so much, but this is embarrassing. It's all I know.
And those were those were taught outside of class. You learned those outside.
I learned outside. Yeah, bootleg. Yeah, troubled Kid, man, troubled Kid.
Have you been to Japan?
No, I really want to.
You got to take.
My wife has been and I really would love to go with her.
You would fit in perfectly in Japan.
I think I think they'd respond to my enthusiasm. I'm also obsessed with Japanese baseball. Oh so I'd love to do a Japanese baseball eating trip.
Oh my god, you do it right. Yeah, maybe, although you have to get on that plane that's there in lines there and I have not found and I'd be curious if you have a great cure for jet lag. Yet it just ficks my ass for days, and I feel like by the time I'm kind of over and I'm leaving and I need to find that perfect man.
Tough love, It's tough. You just have to immediately embrace whatever the hours are and you just have to basically, sometimes you have to be awake for twenty four hours. Sometimes you have to take some sort of thing to make yourself fall asleep in the middle of the day, whatever it takes, and then when you get back, same thing. Really, no naps, nothing, no falling asleep early. If you're watching TV at night. You have to be sitting in a hard chair.
Oh I love this. This is the fade I say, I'm gonna do it. I'm soft as pudding and the sweet siren call of sleep grabs.
Course.
Did you see this Taylor Swift thing where at the super Bowl After the game, her boyfriend how are you not jet lag? And she just looked at him deadpan. Seriously, jet LAG's a choice. That's why you rule the world.
This is why I'm a Taylor Swift type. See people describe me as a tailor Swift?
Do they really? Uh?
After today? After today, all.
Up and down York, there's a buzz damn it.
I mean, I'm totally on Taylor's side with you.
I think she's right. I'm going to do it. You're right.
People who have jet LaGG are weak and you know they need to pull themselves up. They're lazy.
All right, I'm learning. I'm gonna go to Japan. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna be in a hard chair. No sushi, it's on promise.
Well, I think we should get to something else. There is something else I'd like to discuss with you. I was obviously very excited to have you here on the podcast today. We met the other night, had a wonderful conversation there. Now we're here, we've already recorded half a podcast and watched it. Kind of just get swept away with the digital c But there's some you know, the podcast is said, no gifts, and you're already just falling apart.
You have.
You brought two gifts? It did clear.
I had them even wrapped at the Parchment Place on Eagle Rock. I did.
Yeah, they're gorgeous.
They are. I wish I could take more credit. And she's got like a loaded baked potato thing. I feel horrible. Okay, I'm telling you I'm a work in progress. I'm at my core defiant. I'm you say, don't touch a stove. I'm gonna hold my hand on it and say it's great. And I I'm gonna spend the rest of my life making this up to you.
I mean, I'm furious. You feel terrible. This is the energy you want on a podcast. Ah, you brought two gifts too, which feels unfair, totally both of us gifts plural.
It's in the title if I'm gonna break a rule, I'm really I'm gonna break it. I'm spiking the ball.
I said, no gifts. No, that would be an interesting switch of title. Should you drop the s? No?
No, you went plural, So I went plural.
Yeah. Now I'm thinking about all the past guests who have only brought one gift for the star.
How's that going for you?
Slime Ball?
Was he really twenty five minutes late? He was twenty five minutes had blessed he's my favorite's Oh he's incredible.
Uh well, there are two gifts here? Should I open them up?
Yeah?
The podcast?
Yeah, this one first of all of it.
Now, this is like a little like I would say, a cake box with it.
Yeah, and it's it's ultimately a failed gift because I wanted to kind of cheat and if I'm going to completely disregard your feelings in your one role, I'm going to do it. Well, okay, so you said on the linen parum, who is another? Come on now, that you liked the princess cake from quarter Sheet? So I went, it's not friend, it's not trust me. So I went to quarter Sheet and then I saw there was a line of about sixty people outside.
The place is gotten out of control, insane, and.
I'm like, there's no way I can discreetly go in thereat my way and ask for I don't need that moment. So then I started reading the Yelp reviews because I also got extremely interesting, like is it as good as they say? All the reviews are like, it's worth the wait.
Best piece of maybe in the United States.
Right now, I'm so in hours, I'm going to get there. Well, if you, apparently corny yelp, if you get there at four thirty, yes, then it's a half hour. I'm here to beat the system. No, I'm great. Then they open and five, then I'm in. But then the only negative stuff on Yelp was like, yeah, the princess cake. You can get it at Clara's. Clara's in San Gabriel, and it's so much cheaper. So I drove out there today and then I showed the picture on Yelp and she went to me. She's like princess cake. I'm like yeah, and she's like we're sold out. We don't add we haven't had it in weeks. Wow. So then the guy came out and he's like, hold on, why do you want a princess cake? And I'm like, oh, well, this is great. Podcast, and my buddy said that it was incredible. But then I went and like on yelped their piss because Groovers are selling it for eleven bucks of slice, and this guy's whole like business model changed in front of He's like, what do you what do you mean? I'm like, oh, they're like it's this hit place in Echo Park. I went there on Friday and there was like forty people outside and they're selling this ki. He's like for eleven bucks. I'm like, yeah, groovers are selling for eleven bucks, trying to get him to say groover but he didn't bite. But then so he's like, all right, there's a place in Monrovia that sells it. It's called man Checkers, probably not called my Checkings. And then he's like I'm gonna go out. He's like they're paying eleven bucks of slice, Like they're paying eleven bucks a slice friend, And I'm like, I think they're taking your cake and slicing it up even and he's like, we haven't stocked it for two months because we've had we've had issues. And he's like I can't believe. Yeah, this guy might go to quarter sheets night and race.
Holy Drava you're causing in the restaurant.
That's what I did for your gift. I'm telling you. If I'm gonna fly out your rule, I'm gonna flotter man. But this is their assortment, Clara's in San Gabriel. It looks incredible. It looks like a totally fun assortment.
Oh these are gorgeous. Come on good. Oh, I know, right, georgeous.
The wonderful. There's a canoli.
You can take a picture of them right now.
Oh yeah, I wish I could, Grandpa can dar.
So what you do for a treat?
Oh, there's so much? Yeah, oh yeah, Vegan, Yeah, it's real funny.
Oh but that's hard to hear.
It's hard to hear. My god, I feel good. I realized I was like inflame for the first forty years of my life, just my own choices. It was hard to be like, well, I'll try giving up this stuff, and then everything I had went away. I'm like arthritis in my knee, like my stomach, Like what why don't they tell people this?
Do you ever cheat at all?
Yes? I went my wife and I we double date with our magic friends Tegan and her wife Sophia, and we went to this place in Cabo, and I cheated and had darry In the first three months back here, it was like I don't know if you saw New Jack City, but it was like, Chris Rock is the guy that's like working in the crack factory even though he's a crack addict. And that was me for three months, pulling into parking.
Lots just just six years.
So horrible, just pints of Ben and Jerry's and like no, So I just have to be like no, I wish I was one of those people. You strike me as a person that can have like three bites of something.
Oh oh that's not that's not true.
Really, bless you friends.
I mean what I have to do is I have to control my access. So this is, uh, I'll make one cookie a day. Every night, I make one cookie and then I eat it. It's amazing really because if I make like a whole cookie sheet, I will eat every one of them. And so it's like I can't do that. So I like, I make it and then I turn off the oven. And so there's a huge barrier at that point for me to make another. Because there was a point when I was eating like nine cookies a night and it was like, sure, that's maybe a few too many. Now, it's a tough town.
You know. I feel better if I have a good day. Hey, let's have some sweets. If I have a bad day, you know, I mean, feel better some sweetweets, you know.
So yeah, I have a really hard time controlling myself. But I love it. I love it this.
You know, you can split it up, you can do it whatever.
I mean, I feel like I should at least, do you want to buy a tree? You were first. We're gonna see what sort of this will tell us something.
You figured out the roots of the Irish goodbye.
And then I will make some assumptions about you. So just be careful. Analisa has been very careful. There's a lot of thinking. Oh and it looks like is this a croissant.
With cream films inside? I would take a bite right there.
Oh yeah, now we can compare and take a bite.
Yeah. And this place is amazing. And that's part of what I love so much about Los Angeles is all these cultures that I mean, like driving out there, there were three different like Chinese places I wanted to go to, and I was yelping them and like, you know, it's an embarrassment of riches. That's the danger for me with door Dash is the radius we're in because I can get Tai food from ty Town, Chinese food from the San Gabriel Valley, which some would say is now the best in the world because so many of their chefs have come over this right, the Mexican food from East La, a bevy of things from the valley, and it's a very dangerous radius for me where I'm at.
I would love to ask you about some of your favorite go to restaurants because I have been trapped in a cycle. I've got to break free, and I like every night dinner rolls around and I panic because there's nothing new for me to try.
Well, you know, what's what kind of food are you looking for around here? Because we're neighbors, yes, and you know I'm like two and a half miles away.
We go for Mexican food.
That's where I thought you were going to go. It's Chicos, Chicos.
Where's Chos.
It's so close. You don't have to tell me the no no, no, no no, Well, I'll just tell them your address. It's one hundred North.
Fifty, Chicos.
It's so ridiculously good. It's such a wonderful lunch place. If you can, I recommend going in with a friend that's famous, and then they'll start treating you with respect instead of freezing you out. So he you know, it's ironic that people sometimes that respond to a famous person. But once I did there, now suddenly I get more respect because there's a possibility I might bring a famous friend back. Exactly. So Chicos is incredible. Now I went for you. I've not yet found an incredible tie place in our neighborhood. I go to Sonami Loong, which is on Kingsley in Hollywood. It's worth a drive to Tie Town. It's got it all on The sign on the side is best Noodles in la and I have found that to be true. We also loved Git Lata. They love celebrities there too.
I worked at a Thai restaurant during college, so I'm a bit of an expert.
It's so good and it's ridiculous. I mean, I used to go to my favorite place in the world that I've eaten. The most I've eaten anywhere is a place called Rice Walk on the corner of Laurel Canyon and moor Park.
What sort of food is it?
It's Chinese food and they're like family there, go in and say hi to Nancy and Peter. But I used to live in an apartment on Las Palmas. It was a former one hour motel. I didn't have a kitchen. My kitchen was a George Foreman grill on the back of a toilet. So they had this incredible lunch special and I only went there because my buddy and improv class games. Like, dude, I just saw John Goodman at a Chinese restaurant by my house.
Oh celebrity siding. I would die.
Oh have you never seen him outain about?
No? And I love that man.
He's the king, He's my hero.
He's so good.
Yeah, he's I mean, that's why when people get upset about the Oscars, I'm like, they didn't nominate John Goodman for Lebowski, exactly the whole thing. They didn't nominate Bill Murray for Rushmore. Like just celebs nominated, and if something is comedic undertones, it doesn't get nominated a lot of times. But Goodman's the king. But you also know he's not gonna phone in him a Chinese food meal. Oh course, So I started eating there, and yeah, I'm weird. Half was probably just to see him. But the food is so good there. I love them there so much. They're still thriving post COVID, but that's my favorite Chinese food place, Rice Walk. Now, Chinatown is a whole lot of thing, and I'm really obsessed with Chinatown.
What are you doing in China?
I think if I ever got an office, i'd be there. But there's a place called Golden Tree. Yang Chow is iconic. There's that Louisiana place that does Poe Boys that I forget the name.
Most of the food I've been in Chinatown has not been Chinese.
It's a wonderful like microcosm of Los Angeles, and I just love it down there. It's so darn fun.
It's fun to walk around. Oh yeah, there's a good coffee place. Thank you Coffee. I believe it's what it's.
Oh, I haven't been there. I like Burger Lord's there, although we've been closer to us here.
There's there's Scouts, there's a halland Rays.
Oh yeah, halland Raise is phenomen And.
There was a Mexican place there that I adored and now it's gone.
What's your favorite go to Mexican place.
Oh, I love Guisados. Uh, there's a place called Terry's, which is more love Terry. It's just such a comfortable place to be.
The one on Melrose.
You have one on in Studio City on Ventura, right. Yes, I like that this podcast has become an La visitor Scott gate keeping here.
The gate is wide.
Open, common We're gonna come here and eat food. Yeah, because this one in my dream podcast.
Did you think that you would love La so much coming here? I never did, And and I found the great greatest people and the greatest youth, and it gave me my dream. And I pinched myself and I'm like, it's probably a dreamer simulation we're in, but I'm I love it and I'm so happy.
You're going to a lot of concerts. Yes, what sort of concerts are you going to?
Well, I'm a huge like I'm I'm My friends call me the last baby boomer, so I'm super into like Neil Young Dylan in the nineties hip hop like tribe call quest Day Los Soul. So i have ones coming up. I've got some Neil Young shows, Willie Nelson, who will be ninety one when I see him and Richard and he still.
Has forever seventy.
That's the thing. He was seventy at like forty five, so you can just kind of cruise to do it ninety one. But to me, it's so inspiring because what I love about this is David Lynchard say, the arty life, the art life is you can keep getting better, buddy, But like he is. I went to his ninetieth birthday shows and he took it to a whole other level. I'd never seen solong like Jango ryin hard hitting vocals like the seventies and like let us all strive for that. Wow. Like I really hope I go out like Ernest borgnine, Like if you hear me dying playing your grandpa in a Hallmark movie on a horse, just know like he went on how he wanted. It's, you know, better to fade away then, you know. So yeah, I'm seeing Neil Willie. I'm going to see in next week Cat Power sings Bob Dylan. Oh I know, I know.
I we have a more that's a Bob Dylan show you can count on, because I've hearder of Bob Dylan shows that are absolute nightmas Well.
And I'm trying to drag people to Bob, and it's so hard because I always told check in and I'd always find it interesting and enjoy him. But in twenty nineteen, I was in Minds Germany as you are, to see a bunch of Neil Young shows because my friend was playing in his band. And I'm like, I'm already here. Let me check in with Bob because I'm gonna take a boat up the rhine. And I went and he came out smiling and grinning and like interacting with the audience, and it I could not believe it. And I just looked and he gave a damn wow. And I looked at him and I'm like, this son of a bitch is in love. And sure enough, soon after you see a ring, he gives such a damn These days, every town he's in, he does a separate song for that town. So he plays Montreal. He did a Leonard Cohen song to honor Leonard.
Oh.
Andy's doing these incredible borsh Belt jokes every night, and he does these references for when he's in New York. You can naturally mention like, so he'll be like Indianapolis.
This is so good to see Hallan Wilson here, but when he was in New York goes, it's so good to be here in New York. Thank you him and Melville's from here. I'd be like, that's Bob's reference.
But I always worry I'm gonna drag my friends and sit there super close, and he's gonna come out and be in different again. It will be awakenings where I'm like.
He was wide awake, he just cared.
I'm like he was in love like she left him. Yeah, but I also love his new album, so yeah, Bob can be can be that way, and that's my worry. But cap power singing Bob Dylan that sounds will be credible. And also I'm not going to say anywhere near where I love. But I'm completely starstruck because Sharon von Atten lives in my neighborhood. I've seen her driving. I'm just trying to be like cool and oh I pass away. No, right, Like I can't believe she's so cool.
Now I've got to really keep my eyes paced.
No, I'll tell you her exact address. Well, we'll go over there and hang out. Now, each of us pick up a copy catcher in the rye we'll just hang out in the alley.
She'll love us. Sharon, please watch out. I'm hurried for you now.
Fired, Sharon, Please please, I just want to give this manifesto.
Sharon, don't reach out, protect yourself from protect yourself from Eric. I value your safety. Please.
We want to let your gift gift here. This one's a little a little bit funnier.
Okay, this is wrapped up and it's got a car. Ch I opened car.
It's a it's I just feel like in this era, it's so rare to get a real apology, and people appreciate it so much when they do it, and they don't like, no, I didn't do that at all, And like when you when you just say you're sorry, it means a lot.
It's a cute, very cute car. Are crushing it and somebody crushing grapes with their feet.
You are crushing This podcast is a joy.
God bless it is blessed. And it says Bridger, you had one damn rule and I and I broke it. I will never live this down true A thousand apologies. I will never disobey you again. We'll see your pal.
Eric.
Thank you for that apology.
Thank you.
Sorry, that puts me in a position of power.
As it should be. I mean your yard friend.
Okay, watch it now, I'm going to open the gift.
Here.
It's in this incredible wrapping paper with a stuffed baked potato, loaded baked potato. I love a loaded baked potato.
Okay, opening, that's.
Exactly what you wanted.
Oh this is see I could never This is why I'm not a professional rapper. That's this takes real skill.
Oh she did two layers. They're phoning the parchment shop.
It's essentially wearing an undershirt. I'm now getting into the gifts undershirt. Okay, we're opening, We're opening. Oh, Val Kilmer, I'm your huckleberry. It's the Val Kilmer Memoir.
And it's signed and it's a first edition. What look, I know we've all been to Hellmel Valve's art gallery. I'm on the email list. I got a chance to get this. I love reading books from character actors and wonderful weirdos, and Valves definitely part of that. And I thought you might enjoy it or I'm also embrace the regift. If you know someone loves Val and I will get stuff now and be like I'm gonna regift, and I'm up front because you don't want the curb your enthusiasm. Somebody else gat in some things, but it's kind. I had a fun moment recently. Let me ask you this before I start. When you're giving a rap gift, do you wear it around? Because I don't because I'm great talking to people, But I feel like it invites conversation, and so are the Incredible Heroic Future Lauren Michaels, Patrick Cott Noir. Did I say last time? Cottner? Okay, Cottoner? He's given him the French? I think you know it's God bless, God bless So I knew he was a fan of Twin Peaks, and I had a Twin Peaks Sheriff's hat. Now I'm not going to wear that out. I'm thrilled to talk to anybody, but then that invites it. And Twin Peaks fans are the best. It was my favorite show when I was twelve. But two percent of them as they're talking to me are kind of measuring their crawl space to see if I would fit for a few months. God bless them. So I'm not going to give them the reason. So I gave it to Patrick because he had me do the monologist at ask show, which is a joy. And then there was an improv legend in the room and I gave him the hat and he's like, you don't want this, man, I'm like, no, no, I don't wear stuff from shows I've been on. It's you know, like wearing your high school lettermans jacket twos after you graduated, At which point the improv legend turned around in his Two Broke Girls hoodie and went, hey, oh, I guess on And I'm like, I don't think you think it was two Broke Girls. It was like something trying to copy Two Broke Girls. But hey, check cleared. You can look up his networth online. But I felt horrible and there was no way to make it up, to start on that plateau of basically accusing somebody wearing a letterman's jacket. But I always laugh. I had one friend where somebody came up to him He's like, oh man, god, I'm like, you're wearing the shirt. If you're wearing like, I have a glorious rain jacket, but it's got the Jurassic World logo on right, and allow myself to wear it and it's a great jacket.
I'm on the same page with you. I mean, there are two things that I'll use that I've gotten from shows I've worked on. I got a backpack from Kimmy Schmidt, but the logo is under the flap.
It's quality no, no, and if it was on the outside, you can put a patch over it.
I'm on patches, exactly.
Yeah.
The other thing is a hoodie from Black Monday, and it's the first thing I've ever been given from a TV show that looks good. Oh yeah, so I'll wear it like on morning strolls. Sure, but I've you know, people should not do this. I've met to write on a show and the showrunner was wearing the show's merchandise and I just thought, I don't want to work for this person.
They love it. And then I always laugh because I'm you know, most often i'm a guest star or recurring and when I show up on the day of the TV show where everybody's wearing the hoodie they just got and you're kind of like, you know, it takes me back to junior high where I'm like, oh, I guess four episodes did a lot of heavy lifting with the exposition I thought. I thought there was a whole buzz. It's only supposed to be too. But I guess I'm not good enough for the hoodie. It cost you twenty six bucks, and everyone's kind of looking at you and like judging you for not having the hoodie. Of course it's hierarchy, but that's the glorious thing with our town is you're reminded quite often of where you are.
But so you need to take those situations and turn them into cool. I have that at home. You could just lie about it, and I was just right to wear it like the rest of you dorks. Oh they sent it to me, yeah, losers. Yeah, mine came a personal person showed up at the door. It's got ee huge And I'm not wearing that garbage.
No I'm not. I'm giving it away. I'm regifting it. They got to know a sweet producer and Patrick, he'll take it. It's his Brandy buys cool stuff on eBay.
Yeah, you can't wear I mean, and then again podcast merchandise. We have a wonderful sweatshirt that I would love to wear. Can't do it.
No.
I considered riding over it with a marker, but then people are like, oh, this person's something's going wrong.
Maybe a bigger patch.
Check eBay for past huge redacted.
Right, that's it. But like if you're on York and you haven't had your coffee yet, you don't want some, Okay, So I'm sorry. The episode with Eric was life changing, like the stuff about the Irish by and you're like, you know, you don't want the invitation, but again, I'm sure you're like me, thrilled to do it. And I'm also thrilled to walk through my resume with people, because it'll drive people crazy if they don't know where I where they know me from, especially if I'm not in LA and I just rapid fire it, and I'm thrilled to walk them through it. Sure I don't need to invite that because then they'll click and like, oh, it's that right.
And then sometimes they because there are a million TV shows now, they'll be like, well, I've never heard of any of those.
People love that. They love me, like, where do I know you're from? I'm like, oh, I don't know. Green Room Shameless now we bear Bears, no, and they gleefully they love it. Twin Peaks, No, I never watched that. No, I don't like that I'm not into day Okay, Clarence, No, herbyr enthusiasm. No, and I'll just keep and the glee they have and saying they have not watched your parents.
You're talking about.
Dad's one day gonna care. He wants me to come home and run the shop. Look, Mom, I love you, Dad, I love you. Please. This is all working out against all odds.
Okay, So have you read this book?
I have not.
I have not.
I'm curious because his life is.
He's fascinating, and I have a funny theory with him where I kind of think. There's this amazing book called The Way of the Actor that Nicholas Cage endorses that basically says actors are shamans and you're shape shifting. And I kind of think I thought he was incredible on the Doors. But I sort of think Jim Morrison came in and didn't really leave. Oh because the next ten years after he's like, hey, what are you doing? No, I'm investigating a killing out on the reservation. What happened? Where will it go? Like, let Jim go, let it go. But I love him. I think I think he's heroic and I love you. As an art gallery and Melrose and.
Oh yeah, he's just cool. He was Batman for a second. Yeah, but it was torn of fun, did the wild Batman of fun. Speaking of actors who have kind of become the person whoever played Elvis, what's that guy's name, Austin Butler, he's now become Elvis.
Well, that's right, man, because the spirit Elvis was just kind of stick in. You bridge your man, it's a wild deal man.
Well, no one talks that way.
He went to a speech therapist. Well, I'm an Elvis nut and an Elvis snob and may have liberated a piece of shag carpet when I toured Graceland. Austin Butler, he nailed it, and I went, he went to a speech therapist two months ago. Because he's in this.
I believe he's trying. He's actually trying to get out of it.
Yeah, there's two more movies. I think he's right now, and like he's playing like a forties airman and I haven't seen it, I'm sure. And look, man, you got my six. All right, we're gonna go fly over, We're gonna kill Scrooge. Yeah, yeah, but he went, he said he had to go to a speech therapist to get out of it. But he nailed Sweet kid from Orange County started out as a background. Wow, you gotta love that story fross A, Los Angeles, but it stuck with him for those speeches were amazingly. I'd like to thank the Academy.
Man.
It was like this person from Tustin.
I believe. Yeah, I love it though it's commitment.
Yeah, and did the same thing. And uh, the art gallery, what's happening there?
Hell, mel, there's a huge buzz. He chose his pieces, he signed an autograph.
It's all his art.
It's all his art. It's very absent. It's a lot of fun. And I just think there's some kind of heroic about your Val Kilmer, just putting your heart out there, meeting people, mixing it up. I don't know.
I think once you get to a level of, you know, financial success, you do just have to turn the hobby into a thing that occupies everyone's space.
Sure, I just haven't. I did see him once. I will say this with so much love and respect. I went to see Val Kilmer is Moses, oh maybe fourteen years ago. It was a musical about the Old Testament and Moses and all this stuff. And I'm like, whether it's good or it's bad, it's gonna be awesome. We left an intermission because he just he had cut it was. Yeah, He's like, I've seen the burning Bush, I have commandments laid down from thee And I'm like, oh, val.
Man, was it a one man show? No.
They had a whole chorus that was trying so hard, and he was just sleep walking through it. Bless his heart. I think he cares a lot more now, but I think he was Moses.
What was the tone of this musical? It was like Oklahoma time, Yeah, very very much.
You know, you imagine a community theater putting up a medium production of Pippin kind of there, kind of there, I mean, almost Guffman esque but without the heart. Okay, yeah, not mean to offend anyone that was in that production. Aside from value. You were all incredible. I would have been in Valkilmer as Moses as well, but that it was now very funny think about But the time, I was frustrated because.
They didn't have much money to leave anything during the intermission.
I don't do it entertaining.
Yeah, you know, I just saw rewatched waiting for Guffman recently in a movie theater. No, I've never seen it in a movie theater. Interesting experience in a movie theater.
Actually, how was it?
It was?
It was good because the movie is wonderful. But the movie is like kind of a thing you should watch in a quiet space, like because it's small. It's not like a huge comedy, you know. It's like a lot of the things are very small, the things that make you laugh. Oh, but it's such an unbelievable movie. Parker Posey is Oh my gosh, unbelievable. I don't know why I even bring that up. Movie.
There's so many incredible movies. I'm gonna go Friday if I'm done with work because they're doing a two pm matinee at the New Beverly of Rushmore, Oh, which I sure never seen it. I've never seen it, and like Herman Bloom, Bill Murray and that all, yeah, so incredible, but I've never it was one of those I'm sure I sign on VHS right for the first time, Grandpa over here, but like I've never seen on a big screen. I'm super excited. But it is all the funniest moments are tiny. Yes, so I'm kind of wondering how it's interesting the pain in his face when he's like chucking golf balls in the pool, if that will register. But oh I love that movie.
Well, I've got my Val Kilmer memoir here. I might actually read this.
That's interesting. Yeah, this really seals it. Yeah, I'm your ice man.
Yeah. It has different picture screenshots of him from different movies, and it says, I'm your top secret age, I'm your real genius. What's your real genius? What movie is that?
I think he's in real Genius.
Oh that's right. Yeah, oh these are just oh so these are the I'm your ice man. Okay, right, I'm your oh mad Martigan from uh Willow.
All right, sure yeah.
Wow, good for me for family to call that. Wow. Wow, I'm your batman, I'm your lizard king, I'm your bank robber, I'm your saint, I'm your huckleberry. What's the Saint?
Thing?
That's a saint?
I feel like No, he's in one called the Saint. That's right.
Oh it's called the Saint.
Look at that.
Wow?
So good.
So this is going to kind of cover at least up until yeah, nineteen ninety nine.
Yeah, and I'm a dork with signed books. I like like looking at their autograph. I've ordered them. I do want to it's a book plate. But my wife is a saint because we have so many signed books.
There it is. Oh yeah, I'm your huckle bab.
That's it.
I want to just look at the first sentence. I love the first sentence of a book.
Should we read the first and last? Just if you do any of the middle.
It's optional, dear reader, I have a crush on you.
That delivers unleast you will not need to edit that that bit.
Okay, let's see what the final line is.
That might be the greatest first sentence.
All right, here we go. Voldemort is dead. No, that's not true. It says it is the energy of eternal love. Well, I'll have to read three hundred pages to find out what that means.
We just sold him two hundred books with that.
First and last two hundred.
You're right, you're right. I apologize. I'm humble the.
Games by talking about five thousand.
No, und you could be lining up outside of hellmel Studios on Melrose and Heliotrope.
I've revived his literary career. We need a sequel. Val get on it. I think it's time to play a game. Please gift to acurse on release? Is that true?
Okay? I love this game.
I need a number between one and ten from you.
I would say seven, but last few people have sit seven. I'm gonna go five.
Okaynna go five. All right, I'm gonna do some like calculating. You can promote, recommend, do whatever you want.
You know, amazingly, how do you say your last name? I am about to I'm in a glorious independent movie called Outdoor School where I play a teacher, which is we're finally breaking free of some typecasting named mister Wineger for real, for real, shot in Portland an incredible director named Eme Etuk who I met on Twin Peaks, and I could not be more excited. And you know, they weren't letting me play teachers for a good long time. And I'm like a sweet inspirational teacher, where before I would have played like, hey you have detention, but I play a sweet inspirational teacher. And then I don't know if many of your listeners watch Baby Shark's Big Show, but I'm Daddy Shark on there, so I swear it is incredible family entertainment. If you want to Tasha Rothwell and I to help raise your child as we raise baby Shark. Please tune in.
You two would No one would make better parents, right, I know what a great couple.
Boy, she can sing. I am so helped. I auto tune a little bit of heart. But I hear her temp vocals before. I mean, I'm such a fan because of COVID. I've never met her. Oh right, he's like Broadway level. It's so good and I'm so humble.
People who can sing.
Oh my gosh, I'll get it and like I won't hit the note and then look we got him, like we didn't get like they'll smile like we got it. Eric, I'm like, you're gonna auto tune it.
By audience demands a pristine vocal.
These three year olds are please. Oh no, like that baritone didn't get it at all? You singing a higher register?
Yeah, well, you're playing someone named mister Winegar.
Isn't that funny?
That is fascinating And it's such.
A sweet movie. And it's based on a true story.
I hope that this is an unauthorized thing about me. This is that's right.
I didn't want to tell you. That's why it's so ironic. I was broad here today. It is no I play you. There's a couple bodies in your cross space.
I do not come across well and no, no.
Not at all. It hurt to play you. I went deeply method man.
You know you had to go to a speech therapist to get out of the voice.
Sure, No, forever I was just walking like you.
Well, look forward to my letterbox review. This is how we play Gift or a Curse. I'm gonna name three things. You'll tell me if they're a gift or a curse, and why I don't. I'll tell you if you're right or wrong, because there are correct answers. Okay, Number one, this is from a listener named Alec. Gift or a curse, outer space a curse.
It's such a justification for I believe everything Elon Musk is doing. He's just focusing on what we have to get. We're gonna get people to Mars, and I'm like, focus on here, friend, there's things you can do now. This quest for outer space is nothing good. Let NASA explore it. I'm grateful that it's there. I'm grateful it exists. I believe our son is going to die at some point. So that scares me. But let's focus on the Earth, not outer space, because that's why, Alec. It's a goddamn curse.
Absolutely curse, what a waste, the whole thing, get rid.
Focus here.
We should just build a ceiling around Earth. Oh, we don't need any of that.
No, none of it. Nothing good comes there.
And truly, if we go to Mars, it's gonna be just garbage, horrible. It's gonna be worse than the worst place on Earth, the red Planet, waste of everyone's time.
No, were we going to death Valley?
Yes, no permanent death valley.
No, let it go, No, Alex, no.
Thank you, And no. Space is just kind of a it's a giant tease. Yes, it has produced nothing good, nothing, and uh, I mean anything out there doesn't want anything to do with us, So go away.
No, you know who you want to ask about? How space is? The fucking dinosaurs? Yes, something came from space and killed all of them.
It's the one thing we got.
That's it.
Garbage. Outer space is a curse. Good job number two. Uh, this is from Alissener named Cali, gift to a curse. Crushed ice.
No, crushed ice is absolutely a curse because I don't know if you saw this. There's now science and you can back this up and we have the greatest fact check on the world right here. Crushed ice is where the most botulism and stuff in a fast food restaurant exists. Really, Yeah, it's the ice machines. That's what's killing people. The way back, it was Jack in the box in the in the in the Northwest, killing a couple of people. But now that ice machine is a petri dish of death, and so now potential locd I do not get ice. You don't get any of getting I'm getting a straight soda or I'll do an unsweet and iced tea.
No, I here liquly.
I love my health. I like this ride on this planet right now, and I don't want to risk anything with that, with that ice.
I don't like myself as much as any cold drink.
Oh it's not worth it, man.
Come on. So you're saying, I'm saying it's a curse.
I mean you're right, yeah, because of the science, crushed.
Ice is a curse. This is my I like a pebble ice. I love a pebble ice.
Oh sure, I love sanitary Yeah.
And ice cube, crushed ice just is it's such a waste. It's so close to water. It's either gonna melt or become a solid thing almost immediately in the drink. Horrible. It's the worst of the ice and you have to.
Filter the liquid through your lips and then that hits my danger teeth and then that's I have cold sense in your.
Mouth is getting cut up everywhere that.
I didn't descend from animals for this.
To be eating shards of what is essentially glass, the botulism, I didn't even know about this. We're I just learned recently that the you know, people are always afraid of salmonilla in raw cookie dough. It's not because of the eggs, it's because of the flour. No what Apparently because flowers raw and apparently that more often carries the bacteria. I mean, this was again, this was just told to me and I did no fact checking, but it seemed like weird and to be true.
No, well, I believe because people do eat raw eggs.
Yes, he's been eating them every day.
It's the whole thing.
Of course they're doing all of those ra eggs. So I think it's the flower. And then like let us is always a thing.
Oh that's it, the romain. You don't want that to be your last minute on Earth eating I'm dying. You're sitting there, hooked up to tubes, your loved ones are saying goodbye, and I'm like, I'm dying because of a fucking medium caesar salad. What cruel fate?
Is this horrible? And again in the caesar salad, the raw egg very true. Well, I guess that's a really romain.
Do you know where the caesar salad was invented?
Mexico?
Yes?
I may have learned that on this podcast.
Oh that's amazing. I went there last time. I went to comic Con. My buddy and I went to Tijuana. Oh, we didn't know there's a travel advisory. And it terrified the showrunner of the show I was on. And then they almost were looking at me scared. Well, guess what they all got COVID sharing. Lunch in San Diego. Tijuana was fine, and I had where the caesar salad originated, the Hotel Caesar, and it was lovely.
You went to the actually salad so good.
And I just I love Tijuana. It was very fun and the rooms there are beautiful. I didn't stay there, but I want you next time. My wife's she's gonna have to be convinced. But they're like fifty bucks a night, so beautiful.
I've heard a lot of good things about Tijuana. Apparently it's like, you know, it's like Las Vegas. Something bad can happen to you if you do risky things.
If you go to the outskirts lookings for yak. I mean, but but you know, friends, we're out of the cocaine air anyway fentanyl.
Oh, we got to get out of the Caca strip.
It felt very very safe to me, and I would love this to be a comic con thing is now like you know, get get away. You don't hear about the next Marvel drop. Necessarily go downtown, get where the Sear salad originated.
And you had a Caesar salad.
Oh yeah, it was so good.
Did it taste different than like one you'd had in the unit?
Very different? It was like, yeah, yeah, it's like they brushed the lettuce leaves. Oh, and it wasn't like you know, with like tomato. It was very simple as Caesar himself made it because he was an Italian expat living in Tijuana. Highly recommend it.
They're a confusing origin story.
Come on. Yeah, he didn't make it easy for us, but the salad is incredible.
And it does feel very Italian. Yeah right, okay, you're two for two, which I'm very impressed by. Number three. This is from a listener named Jennifer. Gift to a curse when someone asks, unprompted, if you have plans later?
Oh, the biggest curse. You're walking into a trap because somebody says, I don't care what are you doing tonight? All right? Very often that question. It's not if I say I'm not doing anything. Why they're not saying, Oh, because they've got a bushelful of cash i'd like to drop off to you. Oh I've got I've got a front row ticket for Neil Young I would like to give you. Oh I've got all these gift cards I want to give you. No, it's like, oh, my buddy's doing a screening. It's on Peko, but you know he's a sweet guy or something. Oh you know, what are you doing later?
Oh?
Nothing? Why, well, my friend just started doing stand up or oh well there's an improv show at Chuck a Luxor. Or for me, this is the curse of the big man, and also I'm friendly. It's like, what do you well, I kind of need this couch moved, and you know, I'm like, there's an app for that. It's sixty bucks. Hey never, I'm trying to think of one time somebody said what are you doing? Later a couple of weeks ago someone asked me invited me to wrestling, but I had already done the preemptive lie.
Oh no.
Anytime somebody says that I've got plans right and I'm like that, that's to me the greatest thing about being married. He's like, oh god, I'd love to go got my wife. I turned into like the eighties sitcom down, like, oh my god, I'd love to go to whatever you're about to pitch me. But they all bowing chains got me doing stuff. She doesn't have me to do anything. She gives me the ultimate freedom in this life. I'm saying that as an absolute excuse because I don't believe what you're gonna pitch me is good.
Why.
Because it's a motherfucking curse.
It's a curse.
Have you ever been pitched that? And it's been something incredible?
Eric, You're right, you just won the game. You've won the game. This question, to me is on the same level of do you know anything about computers? Both of these questions. It's just like, there's no good thing that's going to happen after this, and unfortunately I'm a bad liar. I'm actually I'm probably a good liar if I've got enough time and energy, but in these moments, I'm a horrible liar and I just say no. I mean, so I don't lie. I say you know, and I fall into the trap. And it's a horrible feeling, the worst feeling in the world, the worst because there's really never been a good plan. I don't mind it as spontaneous. Do you want to get dinner later? Because we've got a specific detail and I can, I can say yes or no, but the kind of just cloudy. What will I be walking into here? I can't do it.
No, We'll lead with what you're doing. That's what I would say, say, Hey, I have tickets to X tonight, right, can you? Because I love a spontaneous lunch because I feel like in la if you try to plan a lunch where young people have promised, something's gonna come up, especially Heaven forbid if you try to plan a lunch with three people. Somebody's gonna get something like, Okay, well, how does your like stop this awful? But I'll do Like if it's like Wednesday at tenth there, I'm like, what's the team doing for lunch? Do you want to meet a kitchen mouse? That works? Great? Love that spontaneity, but you have to lead with what you want. If it's the blanket, what are you doing tonight? I'm assuming nothing good is gonna happen.
We're headed to grandma's funeral.
Oh yeah, we should be so lucky. That's more fun than an improv show.
Sorry.
Sorry, great improv shows like the one Patrick books that's amazing, But too often it's you know it's on Peko and oh it's just not gonna be good, and like you're sitting there and it's it's exhausting. Improv is very fun to do. I love doing improv.
Imp When it's good, it's good when it's bad. It is the exact same feeling of being someone describing a dream to you, the exact thing except for your now like having to clap.
And lie afterward. Yeah, like I'm forty six now hour it's so hard for me to muster it. But but you can't do the congratulations or that looks so fun. They know what you're doing, so you got But man, that was so I'll do one. Oh man, that that part where you turned into the cucumber.
Oh man, how a me thinking about that?
Oh boy, I saw the cucumber and the space work friend? Are you kidding?
I do think I just thought of a good lie you could. A good thing to say is I'll be thinking about that for years, because you in your mind you can be thinking bad things about it for years. Will but the person doesn't know no.
And I've seen the greatest improvisers do shows and they were incredible. I can't remember them, but a bad one that I was dragged to, you know, or heaven forbid. When when you're single and you watch somebody do a bad show, any attraction for me flies out the window.
Oh of course, You'll be getting into.
An intimate moment and you're thinking about like horrible Southern Voice they did, Hey me, Ma, where are you coming? And like, oh my god, any arousal flies out the window, and I'm like, I'm thinking about her doing mem and it's gone.
I'm like, you know, yeah, I'm glad we're on the same page.
Three three, three for three, three for three.
Very elite group.
I think we're very friendly people. But there's also, you know, just a tiny bit of an honest curmudgeon underneath. That is yea, not about lying anymore.
No, we we see things. We see outer space for what it is.
Fuck yeah. Finally for some of.
The few, well, it's time for the final segment of the podcast. It's called I Said No emails. People write into I Said No gifts at gmail dot com begging for my world class help and my guest's decent help. Will you help me?
Ding?
Okay, let's get into the dock here. Let's see this is dear Bridger and beautiful guest. That's very nice. About a year and a half ago, my husband and I were both about to turn forty. Within our families, we typically only buy birthday gifts for our kids and nieces and nephews. However, my husband's youngest sister declared that we should be giving milestone birthday gifts. She organized with her siblings and their spouses to chip in money to get my husband a sizeable gift card to a golf pro shop and a sizeable gift card for myself to my favorite bookstore for our fortieth birthdays. The gesture was lovely and much appreciated, but I take issue with the fact that we had not done this for their older sister, older brother, and his wife, who are all now well into their forties. Oh it's kind of a nasty pointing of the age. My husband and I suspect this is all in place as a ramp up to the youngest sister's upcoming fortieth this March. This sister's husband also just turned forty in December, and because we typically don't exchange gifts, this idea of a milestone birthday gift didn't even cross my mind. A few days after his birthday, I received a text from her saying, was your family going to do anything for John's birthday? It was Monday. I didn't acknowledge this message because it was so audacious. Are we now obligated to organize and give her a milestone birthday gift? If yes, should it be so embarrassingly extravagant and outrageous to prove that we are all better gift givers just to spite her? Oh? My god, thanks for your help. Ashley in Toronto, ps, please say hello to Analis for me. Onalise, Ashley says hello. Well, first of all, I'm just gonna say it. I love this younger sister, right ah. Whatever she's doing is so transparent and incredible. She's playing the worst chess game. She's playing one D chess, and we have to she should pat herself on the back for trying to get a big gift. We love a scheme, we love a scam, and this younger sister wants something big for her fortieth so she waited till the very last gift, gave that gift, and is now turning the wheels to get herself something. But what should Ashley do? Does she have to give her the milestone birthday gift? Well, I mean, first of all, she hasn't responded to her text, which I love, so she's basically cut her out of her life.
Waiting for you, friend, yes, right light.
The younger the young sister may just like think Ashley is no longer part of her life, so that gift may have taken care of itself.
Wow, which is essentially a gift.
A gift, But Ashley has a sizeable gift card to a bookstore and a sizeable gift card to a golf a pro shop. What do golfers call it? Who cares? So what I say is regift one of these things you or no, don't even do that. Go to the bookstore, use your gift card to buy a book to give to younger sister. Go to the golf pro shop to buy five wood. Is that what you call a club?
I think I don't. I went. I've hit golf balls once and I literally couldn't the ball of the teat.
Order a silver bell or whatever they call them.
I think that's it.
I feel like that's a beautiful gift for the younger sister.
Yeah. And at the bookstore, you can also get gift cards to other places like here's the thing. She is playing chess. She's cornered you completely. For this family to be able to keep talking. They're also Canadian, which I love, and that means that politeness is key in a way that Americans aren't. So I think you can use that gift card to get other stuff perhaps, but you have to get some kind of gift. She absolutely set it up like this and bad news. You are cruising to buy more milestone gifts as those people who as you so eloquently said, are in their late forties. Once they hit fifty, the president has been set even bigger. Yeah, now, if you want to stop this whole cycle, don't do the gift now, because you're on the hook now for a bunch of gifts for people when they turn fifty, which is more of a milestone than forty in a tough economy.
Oh yeah, headed towards financial ruin.
I think you have to get a gift, but use your book card thing to regift or regift something else. But like she's set a press in a milestone gifts, it's very hard.
Yeah, buy something at the bookstore. Maybe buy a book that's really in poor taste, so the sister kind of distances herself.
Be your first book.
It's a nice, trashy book. Whatever I say is going to be a wrong answer for somebody.
Yeah, no, get like some harlequin romance ones.
I feel like they have a lot of those harlequin romances with cowboys.
Oh well, of course you're out in the range. There's nothing else to.
Do, right, Yeah, get Yeah, the sister will be so baffled, show like, maybe I just shouldn't talk to Ashley anymore.
Which is a gift you got rid of her.
It's perfect. You got to get rid of the younger sister. That's the final final say on this.
Or if you really want to get passive aggressive, you do a homemade gift, oh, like embroider a pillow, like find something on Etsy could seem like you did it yourself, but something wonderfully tacky, but right. Sometimes you'll give some gifts from people and they really think they've nailed it, and God blessed they haven't. Yes, but if, like I think, Etsy you can find some ridiculous stuff, so find out who what kind of music they're into, favorite movie actor, Like you can get an embroidered, crocheted pillow of like Steven Segall or something that Val Kilmer is Moses. But like you can get weird on Etsy and kind of keep this thing going. And then you're like, oh, well, I guess we have different definitions of milestone.
There we go. I'm sorry, Yeah, just shift the direction completely. Yeah, Red Herring, beautiful Ashley has gotten perfect advice. We've saved the family and maybe Toronto as well. Yeah, who knows what could have happened to the whole city of Toronto would have crumbled started with this beautiful Ashley, don't write back in.
Eric.
I've had such a wonderful time with you, so fun.
I'm just so sorry for my agregious bringing to the gift, but I feel like you were just so gracious.
But now I get to just dine on pastry and read Val Kilmer as the tornado blasts through my home.
Please and if your power goes out, this is not a hollow offer. By the way, you got carp Blanche to come on over and just two and a half miles away.
And we're gonna find Sharon.
Yeah, oh yeah, we'll drive by our house.
There we go.
Oh yeah, done, Sharon, Sharon. We're so sorry. I swear I'm not.
By a taser.
Get a big one. I'm a big guy.
Thank you so much for being here.
So fun.
Listener, the podcast has come to its end. Turn off the iPod. I assume everyone listens to this podcast on an iPod. I love you, goodbye, I said no Gifts is an exactly right production. It's produced by our dear friend Analise Neilson, and it's beautifully mixed by Ben Holliday. And we couldn't do it without our guest booker Patrick Cottoner. The theme song, of course, could only come from miracle worker Amy Mann. You must follow the show on Instagram. At I said, no gifts. I don't want to hear any excuses. That's where you get to see pictures of all these gorgeous gifts I'm getting. And don't you want to see pictures of the gifts?
And I invited you hear.
Thuna Man myself perfectly clear. When you're a guest to me, you gotta come to me empty. And I said, no, guests, your presences presence enough.
And I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare to survey me
