How to win at online dating

Published Sep 3, 2024, 3:00 PM

Online dating, yes, it’s still one of the most popular ways to meet a partner, according to the 2024 Body+Soul Sex Census. Dating coach Sera Bozza discusses apps for dating, how to create your best profile and where to go on your first date for sweet relationship success. 

 

WANT MORE FROM SERA?

Find Sera @sideswiped.club or via her site here. For more on the Body+Soul 2024 Sex Census see here

 

WANT MORE BODY + SOUL? 

Online: Head to bodyandsoul.com.au for your daily digital dose of health and wellness.

On social: Via Instagram at @bodyandsoul_au or Facebook. Or, TikTok here. Got an idea for an episode? DM host Felicity Harley on Instagram @felicityharley

In print: Each Sunday, grab Body+Soul inside The Sunday Telegraph (NSW), the Sunday Herald Sun (Victoria), The Sunday Mail (Queensland), Sunday Mail (SA) and Sunday Tasmanian (Tasmania). 

Welcome to Extra Healthy Ish. How are you?

Thank you for tuning into this big sister podcast to Healthy Ish from Body and Soul. I am your host, Felicity Helee. Now, if this is your first EP you tune into this week, let.

Me recap for you.

We're talking about the Body and Soul Sex Census. Yes, it's been five years since we did a survey like this, so it's due time we did another, and we've done it. Our team asked more than two thousand Australians between the ages of eighteen and seventy five, all sorts of questions about sexual health, wellness, pleasure, dating and relationships. And joining me to talk about well, how to get the most out of online dating. I'm joined in the studio by the founder of dating coaching brand Sideswiped and dating coach of course, Sarah Bosa. Sarah, welcome to Extra Healthy Ish. Thank you and nice to have you back in the building.

Listeners.

Sarah used to work for Body and Soul online, which you still do, right you still write some stories for Yes.

I have a dating column where I contribute dating relationship content.

Well, I love let's pick your brains about some of that. But before we start. How do you stay extra healthy is oh, I'm very regimented in my oas. Okay, actually share with us.

I am one of those sadistic people who wake up early.

And one of that is what time is early.

I'm a member of the four forty. Oh my god, you are not. Oh no, I never thought I would be, but I got converted and I'm obsessed. And every Saturday morning, my friends wake up to a smug post on their feed from me posting a sunrise at five forty five after.

I've been running.

You know what, I am so envious of you right now because I normally am on my second sleep cycle then. But I just love when people can get up at that time. What actually motivates you to get up at that time?

How do you do it?

I mean, it starts the night before you have to start getting ready to have an early night. But the thing that's motivating is that I love the sunrise. I feel so smug when I see the sunrise, and I know that I'm starting my day before everyone else, and that then I can fit so much in because it's going to be nine o'clock, but it's going to feel like two o'clock in the afternoon, and I think it's having something to look forward to. And I have so many friends at this run club that it's become the highlight of my Saturday. And then when you wake up early on a Saturday, it's easier to wake up.

Early throughout the weak because you're meeting these you know, a great bunch of people and you can go running and have a great time.

Yeah. Absolutely, And if you can do it on a Saturday, which is the hardest day to wake up for.

Yeah, that's impressive. Well done. I am envious. That is definitely extra healthy issue. I like it. Now, let's talk about the Body and Soul.

Twenty twenty four Sex Census. It's particularly about characteristics that people find desirable in a partner.

Talk to us about the bit of the research.

So, respect, trust, kindness, and being genuine ranked really high on the survey survey, followed by humor, sharing values, having a really solid friendship. This all feels very familiar. Next is having good hygiene. fIF of Australians think so, and I don't know whether to be concerned about the other fifty percent, but hilarious to hear that that is ranked as one of the top characteristics.

You know it's funny.

I mean, obviously kindness and respect and everything. We all, yes, we all want that, don't we in a partner, But the good hygiene. I had to have a little giggle about that as well. I'm like, did I think about that when I met my partner? Or do you actually think about that? But I suppose you do.

Yeah, I mean you'd hope it would be implied exactly. Maybe you can start signposting on the first day, like offering someone mince, and just have a scope of the house when you walk in, things like kindness and respect. And you know, often when we're dating, we can get confused about what we really want in someone. I think we end up with a person that's anything but all of these things that we think we want, and then we can go, hang on, I'm really confused. I think I want this, but then how came this person is this? And then that relationship falls apart? And how can you know, you're a dating coach, how can we get really clear on.

What we want in a partner?

So the only link between you and all your dating experiences is you. So it's essential to look back through your relationship history like a scientist with pens and highlighters wout. Get serious, Yeah, get serious. Detect patterns like what, for example, what seemed really shiny at first but became troublesome really later? What message did you perhaps get from your gut when things started falling apart but you continually ignored it? What did each relationship teach you or show you you should? Are you really thankful every time something didn't work out because it showed you your gaps and then that'll help you next time identify what opportunities are there.

So it's really about just asking yourself lots of questions, being inquisitive about how you react and how, and not going he died this, heat it or she or you know.

They did this or absolutely.

It's always about how you're feeling and what's your response to their behavior or characteristics or I always tell my clients after a first date to straight away get their notesap out and I call it like the shitty first date draft and write down exactly how they're feeling, because a few days later you're going to start getting head noise about Oh, I mean maybe I should see them again. I'm not sure, But it's really about did they make me feel comfortable? Did I start people pleasing? Was I feeling safe? It's always how you're feeling.

Yeah, that's really interesting.

And so what's the reaction when you tell your clients to write.

It all down in some way?

Always they're already doing that in a message to one of their friends. Yeah, yeah, which is helpful. But I always try to get them to almost like it's really more important that their notes for yourself, because you're not adding embellishment, You're not trying to make the story funnier than it needs to be so that it'll be entertaining for your friend back home. It's really like, what are the actual facts before a few days later when I'm going to start adding emotions and pressure and noise on.

Top of them, and then yeah, going deep into their social media and think, oh yeah, maybe I could date them after all, And then you're like, no, I couldn't remember how they made me.

Feel like exactly exactly you. I love that.

Yeah, And should we have like like a list of things, like a non negotiable list? I mean, when you know, we talked about some of the characteristics respect, love, kindness.

Is that how you approach it? Or should we be malleable?

I think it's really important to know what your north star is. Otherwise you're just directionless. And it's okay to be direction less at the start, but you do then really need to know, Like the scientist model, learn what went wrong in each relationship, and then update a list moving forward. I hesitate a bit with the term non negotiables because I think this list should be something purely positive. I think, you know, if, for example, you want someone really healthy, you shouldn't say I don't want to part.

You know, no smoke it no smokers. It should be.

Someone who really values their health, because sometimes I think when we phrase things in the negative, somehow we end up attracting those negative.

Things that we don't want. Yeah, yeah, mind you. I probably would have a no smoker one. That's not surprising.

Right now, your head is in the online dating space. Where are we at with online dating nowadays? What are some pros and cons? I mean, it's, you know, fifty percent of people still meet people by their family friends, but online dating is really popular.

Yeah, and it's they're amazing tools, but that's what they should be, just a tool to connect you to other people. Safety features now are definitely the best that they've ever been and they're constantly being updated. But and we're more aware to of all of that. But ultimately, like falling in love and giving your heart to someone is the biggest risk that you can take in life. To stand emotionally before someone and say I like you.

I hope you like me too. I feel like that's a larn from a movie.

Yeah, it's inherently risky. You know. The apps do help you connect with people, but you know you have to know the risks associated with love in any way.

Yeah, and that intangible feeling of when you first meet them, whether you whether that sparks there. I think when it comes to the apps, how much does the actual app you choose matter?

So there's a saying it doesn't matter if the cat is black or white, as long as it catches the mouse. I think when it comes to dating apps, it's actually really normal to have a few on your phone at once. And when you do have a few apps, you'll notice the same users on each one. So I think to start, just pick one, choose the most popular. It'll be the most popular for a reason, test it, and then maybe in a few weeks add another one on to compare. You never want to overwhelm yourself with so many apps, but you want to find one that works for you, one that speaks to you. The one that's most popular is normally going to have the most people and exactly be popular for a reason. Yeah, and just back to the survey, the most popular one we found was Tinder Yes, follow by Plenty of Fish thirty, twelve percent RSVP, and eight percent Hinge. So the ones we all all know, try them, try them out absolutely, start with one, see how you go, and then move to another one.

We back after the shortbreak with more from Sarah. It all starts through the dating profile. What makes a so called perfect profile?

So I love revamping people's profiles. Everyone thinks that they need to sell themselves and look the hottest they've ever looked, doing the craziest things they've ever done. But really, you need to be who you're trying to attract. So I get clients to think, you know, who is it that you're looking for? And often I'll hear things like, oh, someone really fit, someone who loves travel, maybe they're really close with their family, And I'm like, great, now we're going to go through all your pictures and all your prompts and make sure that you are promoting that kind of visual because game recognizes game.

So the what about all the words like the visual matters of us? I mean, how do you pick the perfect photo?

It is pretty hard.

Do you change it? Do you change it up? Do you not? You personally? But is it important to change it up?

I think that profiles should not be set it and forget it. They should be dynamic. You could should keep them fresh and updated.

But a rule of.

Thumb is if you are speaking to multiple people, I like to tie in neat little bow around those connections before you change your pictures. Otherwise, face yea that I was speaking to you. Yeah. If they go back and see and you picture and they're like, we've just gone on a date, she obviously doesn't like me because she's changed her picture, right, you know, you know, put a bow around the connections you have and then refresh.

What about the words?

So? I like to think of every single piece of real estate. As you know, we live in Sydney. It's expensive real estate here. Your dating app profile is the most expensive piece of real estate you have. You know, six to nine photos and three prompts and maybe a little space for a bio everything needs to move the connection forward. Every single photo prompt it's an opportunity to create a connection. It doesn't mean need to be your entire life or your entire resume, which too many people treat it as. It just needs to spark a little bit of curiosity in the other person enough for them to feel like there's a little connection there and they can, you know, interact with your photo, interact with your prompt, and the conversation starts from there.

I mean, in many ways, you just want to be putting your best personality foot forward, don't you, and then for people to look at it and think, oh, yeah, I really like to get to know that person that they might be fun or interesting or curious or whatever it may be.

Absolutely, you need to appear, you know, fun, bubbly bright. Too many people end up listing their non negotiables thinking oh, you know, I'm so self aware, this is exactly what I want, but they come off as really negative.

Yeah yeah, what about sending the first message? I feel like this can always be a deal breaker. I'm talking because I've got single friends here on dating apps and often we have workshop first messages.

What's the best approach to this.

Okay, so almost circling back to the last question. Many people think about the profile and the first message as two separate entities stage one, stage two. But really, if you set up your profile with enough conversation starters, turning every picture and prompt into a way for them to connect with you, then the first message will be organic.

It can be like, oh.

My god, where was that photo taken? That looks amazing? Or you say something about a concert you've recently been to and they're like, I love that band. I saw them the last time there in Sydney. So it takes the pressure off that blank space, the situation you're not describing with your friends. You don't need to get in the group chat and have a huddle.

Oh we've had a few of thoses. Oh and they're very fun.

But you don't need to be such a wordsmith if you've already planted enough seeds in your profile.

And I think that's a good I mean the point I feel that these things should be organic in some way, shouldn't and easy when it comes to meeting someone, talking to them online, even talking to them in person for the first time, it should just flow easily for it to carry on to the next date and the next date.

Absolutely, Like you know, thinking about meeting someone in a bar, you don't know anything about them other than what they're wearing, what their hair looks like. You know, maybe they're with a few friends, so you're trying to determine, you know, are their friends fun? But you're going off nothing and then starting conversation you don't even know if they're single.

Yeah exactly.

People get too you know, obsessed with how what their profile looks like, and you just if you're in a bar, you just the only point of connection you'd have is that you're both at that same venue.

Yeah, so you've got nothing really in common on that other than what are you doing here?

Yes?

Or have you been here before? Yeah? Exactly? Are those cliche one liners?

As a dating coach, what in your opinion makes the first What is the ideal first date?

Personally? I always loved just getting a drink in the nighttime. I think there's something really romantic about that. But everyone has different preferences, you know, daytime coffee, nighttime. Activity based is good because you're taking a lot of pressure off that sort of interview style date. But more than set or setting you want to be conscious of how you're feeling. You know, do you feel energized, do you feel curious? Are you comfortable? Are you excited or do you feel really at ease? Does it feel like you've known this person forever or do you feel really performative. So again, more than where you are and what you're doing, as long as you're in touch with how you're feeling, that's what matters.

Yeah, and I think that is a really good advice for all of dating. You know, as you going through the first second or even you know, talking to them in the DM or whatever, it's how does that person make me feel? Are they making me feel good?

Energetic? Or are they making me second guess myself?

And yeah, totally like is it an energy rush and then an energy crash?

Not good? Yeah?

Exactly What do people struggle with most when it comes to online dating?

Fatigue and exhaustion often comes from an over reliance on dating apps. I think today people they tend to isolate dating from the rest of their lives, which takes a lot of that feeling of autonomy away, you know, this sort of idea of well, I don't really need to make effort during the day or during the week because I have all these apps on my phone that I can use at night on my own time, And I think apps should be a part of your dating strategy, but not your whole dating strategy. I think the confidence and optimism from the idea that you could meet anyone anywhere is really essential when you're single. It's when we feel that our options are limited that we start to struggle. So it's that idea of this, you know, abundance mindset versus a scarcity mindset.

Yeah, because who knows, they might be at your run club. I did see that in the survey as one of the places to meet people, or they might be sitting across from you at your workplace.

They could be or if it's not them exactly, you might be making a new friend and happen to mention you know, hey, I'm single. Do you know anyone? And then it could be that person. So you're back to meeting through near friends and family.

There we go, Sarah, thank you for coming on extra healthy ish, Thank you loved it. Well, there we go online dating. That's how to succeed and take that first date to another, to another, to perhaps a lifelong partner. If you did have any questions or you are interested in the Body and Soul sex sensus. I will leave a link to it in the show notes. If you did enjoy this chat, if you've got something out of it, tell us as well. You can rate and review this episode, or of course subscribe to this podcast anything else here to Body Andsoul dot com dot you grab our print edition which is out in your local Sunday paper, and of course make sure you are following us across social media. And until tomorrow, well, happy dating and stay extra healthy ish