Certified sex and relationship practitioner Georgia Grace discusses new ways to explore sexual pleasure through fantasies, toys and non-monogamy.
WANT MORE FROM GEORGIA?
For more on her new book The Modern Guide to Sex (Harper Collins, $49.99) see here. You can find Georgia @gspot._ and catch her online here. Listen to her past Extra Healthy-ish chat about having fulfilling sex here.
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Oh hello, welcome to you Extra Healthy Ish. Thanks for joining us today on the Big Sister Podcast Still Healthy Ish from Body and Soul. I hope you are well having a healthy today. I am Felicity Hally, certified sex and relationship practitioner. Georgia Grace joins us in the studio today. She is, of course a friend of the pod, so she has a new book out. We have to delve into it, we need to talk about. It is called The Modern Guide to Sex, and today we're going to discuss exploring pleasure through fantasies, toys, and non monogamy. She's going to talk about all of the above and give tips about well how we can explore pleasure in our own sexual lives.
Georgia, nice to have you back on Extra Healthy Ish. It's good to be back and with a new book. I know. Oh yeah, the baby's out. Congratulations, thank you.
Now let's kick off, well, before we go into book, let's kick off with the question. You've been asked it before, how are you staying extra healthy ish in your life?
Oh? Honestly, it's hard at the moment because, yeah, there's a lot that comes with a book launch. How am I saying extra healthy is I have been practicing compassion at the moment and by doctor Hope, I say her name right, doctor Kristin Neff. Because when you put a book out or like a big body of work that I've been working on for a really long time, I've become really nervous and really anxious, and the fear has taken over, like what if I did this? And why did I say that? And you know, the rumination is really intense, and I've found that I've had to like I've been waking up really early with fear and practicing compassion and doing these compassion meditations has been really useful.
Yeah, so how I talk to a bit about those meditations and how well how they they're helping.
Yes, So basically what they do is I think the common misconception with having compassion for yourself is that you just say, don't worry, it's fine, get over it, you know, in those words or less yah. But this approach is it holds space for the suffering and it acknowledges it. And so it would be like, oh, I can see that this is causing pain for you, or I can feel the discomfort, and you kind of speak to a name it and you allow it to have space in your body. And the reason I liked it is because it's somatic and that's my work, that's my field. And I found that even just like the simple process of just naming and allowing it to be there instead of trying to just fix it or regulate it or get rid of it more effect or ignore it. Yeah, yeah, and just and try and go about my day. It's been incredibly affecting helping. Yeah, incredibly effective. And I've had to do it like multiple times throughout the day because yeah, the thoughts come in and the fear comes in. But yeah, I highly recommend it. And I've actually been recommending it to a lot of my clients as well, and they've found it incredibly useful.
Okay, I like that. Well, let's talk about the book. Yeah, I want to pick up on the chapter. Well, the chapter is about exploring pleasure because I feel like the things that you've included in the book perhaps we wouldn't have even talked about on this podcast four years ago when I first.
Started on here. So why did you pick up on some of these things? So the book is split into three sections. The first is Solo Pleasure and that's all the tools that you can work through on your own, and I think these are really great foundational tools. Then we have pleasure together, and that's looking at how you can apply that to sex with others, whether it's casual or long term. There's heaps that you can do there. And then the final one is yeah, this exploring pleasure section at the end. And the reason I included that is because I hear a lot of these curiosities that show up in session. I have a really unique job where I get to speak with people about some of the most vulnerable parts of human sexuality. But also at Normal, we do research and we are able to see things that people are curious about, things that they want more information. And that's your sexual wellness company. Yes, yeah, yeaes sir, I should learn that Normal is a yeah, a sexual wellness company, and we do research, we design modern sex toys, and we create a bunch of free sex ad and yeah. So I had this insight into the research, and I just knew that if I was going to speak about pleasure exploration, I needed to include these topics. Let's talk about nonogy. That sounds really beautiful. I want that table.
Non monogamy. Yeah, beautiful, thank you. I might say that again. This is something that's popped up. I mean we see it in headlines, don't we know? People are doing it, people are exploring. I mean, is this happening? Yeah, it definitely is. And I think it's it's become more popular in the mainstream. I think that media really loves speaking about it. But that would yeah, yeah, because it's interesting and I think it sparks curiosity in people, and it's it's just it goes against everything that culturally is acceptable exactly in terms of relationship.
So what is it first? Yes, so if monogamy is the arrangement where two people are in a relationship with each other, then non monogamy is the arrangement or other arrangements that can exist. And this is a really big umbrella. So that might be they may be open and that might look at a couple sort of they're relatively committed to each other, but they may have sex with or date people outside of that. But they may be polly, so they may be open to love outside of a one other person dynamic. Theyre may be swinging. It may be more casual where they have sex every now and then, So that's where down Sivage coined the term monogamish. So, yeah, you can structure the relationship in many different ways, but I guess it depends on what the couple is wanting. So where do we start? Like, I mean what I feel like? This is a whole new area of relationships and perhaps you know relationships strengths and weaknesses, and things can go horribly wrong and things can be amazing. I mean, what how do you go about actually having this kind of relationship? Yeah, it's a process, and I think that there often is a fear that if the thought has come to your mind or the conversation has come to your relationship, that things are going to change instantly and it's going to move completely out of your control. That's not how we would work to opening or changing the dynamic in a relationship. It takes time. You often have to do quite a bit of research before to feel into things that would be supportive or exciting for you, feel into the type of relationship structure that you would like. It takes a lot of communicating, so talking about how you're going to support each other in feeling safe, how you're going to self regulate and take care of yourselves, how you're going to come together and take care of the relationship. It takes a lot of check ins as well, Like you're constantly checking in to make sure that this still feels fulfilling and say for everyone involved, So it is. It's a process, and I think that's why I wanted to include a chapter on it to sort of bust some of those myths around you. Some of those Oh, well, there's a really common one, which is people who do nominogamy are just hyper sexual, grady and want it all. And sure, some of them may identify as that, and you know, go off, like go them if that's how they identify, but it's not the case of everyone, and a lot of people it is about it's not so much about wanting to have lots of sex. It's about wanting to feel deeply connected and emotionally connected to other people. Another myth is that if you want to do non monogamy, there's something wrong with the relationship. And again, like this is just not the case for a lot of people. Actually, for them, being non monogamous means that they can show up in their relationship in a better way. It's more aligned with their values and how they want to live. And then another myth is that it's just going to end in disaster. It's all going to fail. That's the biggest myth that you know, it'll cause so much hurt and pain. Yes, yeah, exactly. But I think in relationships we often feel hurt in pain. That even if you are in a relationship with one person and you love each other and you've been together for decades, you will experience hurt and pain. It may be a different kind of pain, and sure you may be opening yourself up to the fear of jealousy or things going wrong, or a lot of you know, needing to problem problem solve and conflict resolution. But that's just relationships. So that's life and being human, isn't it. It is, And sometimes it's more painful staying in a monogamous relationship when you're wanting a different kind of structure. The other area that you write about is toys. Now, you always got your own sexual wellness company. What are some of the common questions you get when it comes to toys, Yes, so many, So I think like one of them is how do I bring it up with my partner? And often people ask this because they think that if they want to bring a sex toy into sex, that their partner's going to think there's something wrong with them. But actually, like I would often say, send them this podcast or send them the book, go through it together and say, hey, I'm curious about using this. I love using this on my own, and I want to bring it into sex. Sex toys are tools, they're our friends. They're there to make sex better and you may be surprised by your partner's response, they're may be willing to.
I feel like this is one area that we've really shifted, particularly in the past five years, and which you know you're probably seeing in your in your business.
Yes, Oh, it's been amazing to see the change. And as you said, I think it's about five years too where we are really seeing that, you know, more people speak speaking openly about sex toys. There's more toys that just come through my feet all yes, yeah, and that might be your algorithm and not everyone that's okay, no, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So we're definitely seeing a shift, and I'm really excited about that because I think more people are being able to experience more pleasure during sex as well.
Will be back after this short break with more from Georgia. Are there some popular types like what are people going for?
Yeah, so there is. I think this The revolutionary toy that has changed sex toys is the toy that has like either the air or the suction. So we have a toy like this is new, right, Yeah, it's relatively new. And essentially how the toy works is it wraps around or it has sort of like a head that wraps around the or sits on top of the glands of the clit, and it will either use air to pulsate on the clit or it will use suction. Our toy has both, and it has a vibrator down the other end, so you can kind of switch it up. But this kind of technology has really, you know, understood the clit and how it works, because for a lot of people, vibration feels good, but they need or want something else, and it kind of feels like someone's going down on you. It kind of feels like you're receiving oral, the best oral you've ever had.
Basically, Actually I did just a side note. I love that your book is dedicated to everyone who has first got pleasure from a shower head.
Yes, yes, yes, I had to giggle at that. Yeah, I think that that is. It's often a story here that it's quite surprising that people have surprising experiences in the shower where they realize their genitals for the first time. But because of the pressure. I mean, this is probably even with kids in the bar, when you've got like a shower in the bar. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, because you don't know, like when you're a kid, you don't know that it's taboo or sexual. You just feel something and that's nice. So yeah, I wanted to dedicate it to as many people as possible, and I thought that there would be some collective shared experiences with the shower head. Just while we're still on toys, I mean you jump online, you look at toys. I mean they can be very expensive, yes, so that you're going to get the right one that suits you. Oh, it's such a good point. So we think about this a lot too. Because we want to make sure it's accessible to everyone. We developed a toy quiz so that people could think about like the kind of stimulation they want when they're going to be using it. Is it on their own? Is it during sex? But even if you don't do our quiz, start to think about those things like what sex do you like having when you're going to use it? Is it for solo use, is it for sex with others? What price point do you have? Do you know you like toys already or do you want sort of more of a beginner toys so that you can continue adding to the toolkit later? And yeah, also read reviews. I think that these are a really important and valuable thing that we can turn to because you get to hear other people's experiences and if you like the sound of it then and if your body responds with some arousal or excitement, maybe that's the toy for you.
The other thing I just want to talk about through book is fantasies. Now, we bodies so recently did as sex Sensus and this came up a bit. You know, we're all Australian are loving their fantasies. Why do we have them?
It's such a good question, and I think, like there I have questions about it. Why do we have fantasies and where do they come from? So why we have them? We may have them to build arousal in our bodies. We may have them to inspire different sexual experiences that we want to try. We may have them because where our brains and minds just go there. A few years ago, I interviewed doctor Lauren Rosewarn on fantasies, and she said that basically, a fantasy is a euphemism for a day dream. And you know, our brains go to places every day. We think these things, and I think that there's often a bit of shame around having a fantasy. But you know, it could be just your mind going to a weird and arousing or sexy or creepy place, and that may be an insight into something that you want to try during sex, but it might not. You may just fantasize about it and never want to do it. And that's kind of what I wanted to get across in my book as well, because I ask people to submit their fantasies, and I included a few over a few pages, and I wanted to include the breadth and depth fantasies. So there were some that were really about intimacy and connections, some were really intense and advanced, and some were from like another world or another time. And I think that that goes to show that our brains can go to these places and we may never fulfill them. They may just be an exciting thought that we visit. Are there some common ones that you come across? Yeah, there are some common ones, so there. I think group sex comes up a lot. Power dynamics comes up a lot, so either having power or having no power during sex. Changing genders, so that might even be an individual changing their gender or experiencing their gender and their genitals in a different way, but also experimenting with sexuality. So a lot of people will say that, you know, there are certain sexuality but in their fantasies, they like having sex with either someone who has the same genitals with them or different to what they typically would idyllic situations, so being in beautiful places or I just take that as yes, yeah, yeah, I think that this is often about like the context that people have in going into sex, and that you know that the build up and the scene setting is really important to a lot of people. But then some people it's more about like the surprise, the hard and fast it's come out of nowhere, and then the other side to that it might be the length of time that they have to have sex as well. So yeah, it's there are some really common ones, and I reference some research in there around you know, there's this incredible sex research who has looked into and done and I think has asked like that. There's a ninety question survey.
Yeah, and did most people act on them or they just come a fantasy?
Yeah, some people do. For some people, it's really important for them to fulfill it, and they're so excited by it they want to find a way to experience it. And that might be through role play or if you know, if it's with multiple people, it might be through going to a sex club or getting on the apps and connecting these multiple people. But for some people, they may just masturbate to it. They may think about it when they're having sex, they may think about it on the way to work. And I think when I named that a lot of people have a sigh of relief because sometimes people feel quite disturbed by their fantasies and they ask what do they mean or does that mean about me? Does that mean I need to leave my partner because I'm having these fantasies. Not necessarily For some people they say, yeah, maybe that is an answiety, but I would say not necessarily. Sometimes it's just a really sexy, arousing thought.
Yeah, it was when you wrote your book, was there anything in there that surprised you that you hadn't? I mean, you're a wealth of wisdom when it comes to sex and sexual wellness.
Is there anything that you learned? Yeah, oh so much, so much. I think as I was writing it, I was also teaching a certification in embodied counseling, so I was working with a lot of other practitioners, so I was really examining and challenging my own thoughts around sex. And I think that one thing that changed the most for me. At the start of my career, I was very boundaried with how much information I shared with my clients and publicly, and I still am pretty boundaries like, no, there's not really that much personal information, but I didn't really let a lot of me through. But as I was researching and teaching and writing, I found that time and time again is the practitioners who are also show vulnerability, also show nuance to themselves and their challenges, that that is one of the most effective ways to support people because it's all about this human connection. So for me, I think the most surprising thing was how important it started to be to be more vulnerable. And there are a few moments in here where I'm vulnerable, where I'm speaking about my own challenges. I don't get too into the nitty gritty because I think it is important to have those boundaries. But yeah, that was pretty surprising. Yeah, Georgia, thank you for coming on Extra Healthy, Thanks for having me.
Well, if you are curious about anything we talked about, and there are more topics that Georgia goes into in her book. It is called The Modern Guide to Sex and it is out now, you can listen to her past Extra Healthish episode talking about how to have fulfilling sex. I will leave a link to that in the show notes. Of course, we will have her back. She is so good. If you well agree with me, tell us rate and review this episode, subscribe to this podcast anything else, head to Body and Soul dot com dot you follow us on socials, grab our print edition, which is our your local Sunday paper and until tomorrow it's The Extra Healthish