Justin & Kylie answer a listener's question about their tween daughter




Topics discussed:
3 basic psychological needs - Relatedness, Competence & Control
Seeing your child as a person vs only seeing their problems
Correction & directions vs connection
Competence needs to be satisfied
Explore, explain, empower




Purchase the Better Together webinar in the Happy Families shop or find it in your Happy Families Membership.

Find us on Facebook at Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

Email us your questions and comments at podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au

Justin &amp; Kylie answer a listener's question about their tween daughter Topics discussed:<ul>
<li>3 basic psychological needs - Relatedness, Competence &amp; Control</li>
<li>Seeing your child as a person vs only seeing their problems</li>
<li>Correction &amp; directions vs connection</li>
<li>Competence needs to be satisfied</li>
<li>Explore, explain, empower</li>
</ul> Purchase the <a href="https://www.happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/better-together">Better Together</a> webinar in the Happy Families shop or find it in your <a href="https://www.happyfamilies.com.au/membership/parents">Happy Families Membership</a>.Find us on Facebook at <a href="https://www.facebook.com/happyfamilies.au/">Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families</a>Email us your questions and comments at <a href="mailto:podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au">podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au</a>

Deciding which parenting advice to follow? Join the thousands of mums and dads who turn to Australia’s most downloaded parenting podcast.

Dr Justin Coulson and his wife Kylie bring real parenting solutions every day, cutting through the noise of modern advice with clear, practical guidance for every step of parenting.

From early childhood challenges to the complexities of the teenage years, each daily episode offers simple, evidence-based strategies to help you feel more confident in your decisions and more connected to your kids.

Deciding which parenting advice to follow?&nbsp;Join the thousands of mums and dads who turn to Australia&rsquo;s most downloaded parenting podcast.
Dr Justin Coulson and his wife Kylie bring real parenting solutions every day, cutting through the noise of modern advice with clear, practical guidance for every step of parenting.
From early childhood challenges to the complexities of the teenage years, each daily episode offers simple, evidence-based strategies to help you feel more confident in your decisions and more connected to your kids.

The Happy families podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now.

Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

#593 Tween Tensions

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/f6539876-afdb-4f47-9460-af460026a4da/transcript

Gaming can be a source of connection, competence and joy, especially for neurodivergent kids. But when switching off leads to arguments, anxiety or explosive behaviour, parents need more than another screen-time rule.

Justin speaks with Game Aware founder Andrew Kinch about why some kids are drawn so strongly to gaming, how neurodivergence can shape that relationship, and what parents can do when gaming starts crowding out sleep, school, movement and family life. They unpack the difference between gaming for enjoyment and gaming for escape, why timers can make transitions harder, and how understanding your child's favourite game could reduce conflict at home.

KEY POINTS:
Why gaming and general screen time aren't the same thing
The particular role gaming can play for neurodivergent kids
How gaming meets needs for competence, autonomy and connection
Why using games to escape stress, bullying, anxiety or other struggles can become problematic
Why countdown timers can increase anxiety around switching off
How a stopwatch can encourage kids to practise self-regulation
The value of a calming "buffer" activity after gaming
Why parents should spend time learning how their child's favourite game actually works
How understanding what your child gets from gaming can change the conversation at home

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
"What job is the game doing for them?"
Andrew Kinch

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Game Aware Activity Finder and family support
Self-Determination Theory
Johann Hari's work on addiction and connection

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
Get curious about what gaming gives your child before focusing on how long they're playing.
Notice whether they're gaming for fun and connection or using it to escape something difficult.
Try replacing a countdown timer with a stopwatch that helps them monitor their own gaming time.
Plan something enjoyable or calming for immediately after gaming rather than expecting an abrupt switch into chores or family demands.
Sit beside your child and learn their game. Understand what they're trying to achieve, when a round ends and why stopping halfway through can feel so frustrating.
If gaming is seriously affecting sleep, school, relationships, physical activity or safety at home, seek specialised support.

Gaming can be a source of connection, competence and joy, especially for neurodivergent kids. But when switching off leads to arguments, anxiety or explosive behaviour, parents need more than another screen-time rule.
Justin speaks with <a href="https://www.gameaware.com.au/">Game Aware</a> founder Andrew Kinch about why some kids are drawn so strongly to gaming, how neurodivergence can shape that relationship, and what parents can do when gaming starts crowding out sleep, school, movement and family life. They unpack the difference between gaming for enjoyment and gaming for escape, why timers can make transitions harder, and how understanding your child's favourite game could reduce conflict at home.
KEY POINTS:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Why gaming and general screen time aren't the same thing</li>
<li aria-level="1">The particular role gaming can play for neurodivergent kids</li>
<li aria-level="1">How gaming meets needs for competence, autonomy and connection</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why using games to escape stress, bullying, anxiety or other struggles can become problematic</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why countdown timers can increase anxiety around switching off</li>
<li aria-level="1">How a stopwatch can encourage kids to practise self-regulation</li>
<li aria-level="1">The value of a calming "buffer" activity after gaming</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why parents should spend time learning how their child's favourite game actually works</li>
<li aria-level="1">How understanding what your child gets from gaming can change the conversation at home</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: "What job is the game doing for them?" Andrew Kinch
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.gameaware.com.au/activity-matrix/">Game Aware Activity Finder</a>&nbsp;and family support</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/theory/">Self-Determination Theory</a></li>
<li aria-level="1">Johann Hari's work on addiction and connection</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Get curious about what gaming gives your child before focusing on how long they're playing.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Notice whether they're gaming for fun and connection or using it to escape something difficult.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Try replacing a countdown timer with a stopwatch that helps them monitor their own gaming time.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Plan something enjoyable or calming for immediately after gaming rather than expecting an abrupt switch into chores or family demands.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Sit beside your child and learn their game. Understand what they're trying to achieve, when a round ends and why stopping halfway through can feel so frustrating.</li>
<li aria-level="1">If gaming is seriously affecting sleep, school, relationships, physical activity or safety at home, seek specialised support.</li>
</ul>

Gaming & Neurodivergence: How to Make Gaming Healthier at Home [with Andrew Kinch]

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/32679afa-87fb-4878-a068-b4ac001d7b1b/transcript

Your 12-year-old announces they’re dating someone. There’s hand-holding, constant texting and plenty of “love you” messages. Do you shut it down, set rules or stay out of it?

Justin and Kylie unpack early teenage romance and why keeping your child talking to you matters more than trying to monitor every interaction. They explain what “dating” often means at this age, how to protect friendships and school life, and how to set boundaries without pushing the relationship underground.

KEY POINTS
Romantic interest commonly ramps up around ages 11 to 12.
Before reacting, ask your child what “dating” actually means to them.
Open disclosure from your child is more valuable than trying to monitor everything they do.
Watch whether the relationship starts replacing friendships, activities or school responsibilities.
Trying to ban the relationship completely may simply push it underground.
Talk about what respectful relationships look like, including helping the other person feel safe and strong.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“As long as you can have an open dialogue, then you have influence.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED
Developmental psychology research on early adolescent romantic relationships
Research by Stattin and Kerr on parental monitoring and child disclosure
Happy Families website and podcast question submission

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
Get curious first. Ask what “dating” means to your child before deciding how worried you need to be.
Keep them talking. Protect the relationship that makes your child comfortable telling you what’s happening.
Set clear expectations. Explain your family’s boundaries around dating without turning the conversation into command and control.
Watch the bigger picture. Notice changes in friendships, schoolwork, extracurricular activities and family life.
Talk about respect. Teach your child what it means to make another person feel safe, respected and valued.
Try side-by-side conversations. A walk, drive or other low-pressure moment can make sensitive conversations easier.

Your 12-year-old announces they&rsquo;re dating someone. There&rsquo;s hand-holding, constant texting and plenty of &ldquo;love you&rdquo; messages. Do you shut it down, set rules or stay out of it?
Justin and Kylie unpack early teenage romance and why keeping your child talking to you matters more than trying to monitor every interaction. They explain what &ldquo;dating&rdquo; often means at this age, how to protect friendships and school life, and how to set boundaries without pushing the relationship underground.
KEY POINTS
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>Romantic interest commonly ramps up around ages 11 to 12.</li>
<li>Before reacting, ask your child what &ldquo;dating&rdquo; actually means to them.</li>
<li>Open disclosure from your child is more valuable than trying to monitor everything they do.</li>
<li>Watch whether the relationship starts replacing friendships, activities or school responsibilities.</li>
<li>Trying to ban the relationship completely may simply push it underground.</li>
<li>Talk about what respectful relationships look like, including helping the other person feel safe and strong.</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
&ldquo;As long as you can have an open dialogue, then you have influence.&rdquo;
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>Developmental psychology research on early adolescent romantic relationships</li>
<li>Research by Stattin and Kerr on parental monitoring and child disclosure</li>
<li>Happy Families website and podcast question submission</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ol data-spread="false">
<li>Get curious first. Ask what &ldquo;dating&rdquo; means to your child before deciding how worried you need to be.</li>
<li>Keep them talking. Protect the relationship that makes your child comfortable telling you what&rsquo;s happening.</li>
<li>Set clear expectations. Explain your family&rsquo;s boundaries around dating without turning the conversation into command and control.</li>
<li>Watch the bigger picture. Notice changes in friendships, schoolwork, extracurricular activities and family life.</li>
<li>Talk about respect. Teach your child what it means to make another person feel safe, respected and valued.</li>
<li>Try side-by-side conversations. A walk, drive or other low-pressure moment can make sensitive conversations easier.</li>
</ol>

How to Handle Dating in the Tween Years [a Listener Q&A]

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/044beb74-73d0-4a0b-b1a0-b4ac001d43a7/transcript

We put laptops and tablets into classrooms with a promise that technology would improve education. Nearly two decades later, parents and teachers are asking a confronting question: Did we get it wrong?

Justin speaks with Danny Alachi, founder of the Heads Up Alliance, and Victorian high school teacher Steph Challis about the push to reduce screen use in Australian schools. They unpack classroom distraction, declining literacy, the value of handwriting and physical books, and why teaching digital skills doesn’t require kids to spend every lesson behind a screen.

They also explain a new national petition calling for no one-to-one devices in primary schools, books and paper to become the default in high school, a pause on generative AI in classrooms, safer evidence-based educational apps, and a renewed focus on reading and handwriting.

KEY POINTS
Why one-to-one devices may be doing more harm than good in primary classrooms
The distraction problem teachers are seeing when laptops are open
Why books, handwriting and paper still matter for learning
The difference between teaching digital literacy and teaching through a screen
Why technology should have to prove it improves learning before schools adopt it
The five changes the Heads Up Alliance wants Australian schools to make

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“Schools need to remember what they're for. They're there to teach children how to learn.”

Steph Challis

RESOURCES MENTIONED
Heads Up Alliance
Sign the petition

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
Look at how devices are being used in your child’s classroom, not simply whether they are being used.
Ask your school when screens genuinely improve learning and when books, paper and handwriting could work better.
Read the petition and sign it if you support the proposed changes.

We put laptops and tablets into classrooms with a promise that technology would improve education. Nearly two decades later, parents and teachers are asking a confronting question: Did we get it wrong?
Justin speaks with Danny Alachi, founder of the Heads Up Alliance, and Victorian high school teacher Steph Challis about the push to reduce screen use in Australian schools. They unpack classroom distraction, declining literacy, the value of handwriting and physical books, and why teaching digital skills doesn&rsquo;t require kids to spend every lesson behind a screen.
They also explain a new national petition calling for no one-to-one devices in primary schools, books and paper to become the default in high school, a pause on generative AI in classrooms, safer evidence-based educational apps, and a renewed focus on reading and handwriting.
KEY POINTS
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>Why one-to-one devices may be doing more harm than good in primary classrooms</li>
<li>The distraction problem teachers are seeing when laptops are open</li>
<li>Why books, handwriting and paper still matter for learning</li>
<li>The difference between teaching digital literacy and teaching through a screen</li>
<li>Why technology should have to prove it improves learning before schools adopt it</li>
<li>The five changes the Heads Up Alliance wants Australian schools to make</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
<blockquote>
&ldquo;Schools need to remember what they're for. They're there to teach children how to learn.&rdquo;
</blockquote>
Steph Challis
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul data-spread="false">
<li><a href="https://linktr.ee/theheadsupalliance">Heads Up Alliance</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.change.org/p/australian-parents-and-teachers-demand-less-screen-time-in-classrooms">Sign the&nbsp;petition</a></li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>Look at how devices are being used in your child&rsquo;s classroom, not simply whether they are being used.</li>
<li>Ask your school when screens genuinely improve learning and when books, paper and handwriting could work better.</li>
<li><a href="https://www.change.org/p/australian-parents-and-teachers-demand-less-screen-time-in-classrooms">Read the petition and sign it </a>if you support the proposed changes.</li>
</ul>

Can We Ban Laptops From Primary School?

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/8af79574-5f2e-42d2-a904-b4ac001cfa55/transcript

#593 Tween Tensions

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