Highlights from episode #137 Punishment & Rewards with Alfie Kohn




For a happier family try a Happy Families Membership. Because a happy family doesn't just happen.

Find us on Facebook at Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

Email us your questions and comments at podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au

Highlights from episode <a href="https://pod.fo/e/a5014">#137 Punishment &amp; Rewards with Alfie Kohn</a> For a happier family try a <a href="https://www.happyfamilies.com.au/membership/parents">Happy Families Membership</a>. Because a happy family doesn't just happen.Find us on Facebook at <a href="https://www.facebook.com/happyfamilies.au/">Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families</a>Email us your questions and comments at <a href="mailto:podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au">podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au</a>

The Happy Families Podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now. Every day Justin and his wife Kylie provide practical tips and a common sense approach to parenting that Mums and Dads all over the world are connecting with. Justin and Kylie have 6 daughters and they regularly share their experiences of managing a busy household filled with lots of challenges and plenty of happiness. For real and practicable advice from people who understand and appreciate the challenges of a time poor parent, listen to Justin and Kylie and help make your family happier.

The Happy Families Podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now. Every day Justin and his wife Kylie provide practical tips and a common sense approach to parenting that Mums and Dads all over the world are connecting with. Justin and Kylie have 6 daughters and they regularly share their experiences of managing a busy household filled with lots of challenges and plenty of happiness. For real and practicable advice from people who understand and appreciate the challenges of a time poor parent, listen to Justin and Kylie and help make your family happier.

The Happy families podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now.

Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

#487 Holiday Edition - Alfie Kohn

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/50f2753c-174a-4cbd-b71b-af46003f52c4/transcript

Are your phone habits impacting your child’s growth?
 We all know kids and screens don’t mix well—but what about parents and screens? A compelling new study has uncovered a strong link between a mother’s screen time and her child’s developmental outcomes. In this Doctor’s Desk episode, Dr Justin and Kylie Coulson unpack the latest research on "technoference" and what happens to our children when our eyes are glued to our devices. The results may just change the way you use your phone—especially around your kids.

KEY POINTS:
Study Summary: Japanese research of ~4,000 mother-child pairs found that more than one hour of screen use by mums in front of their children correlates with lower language and social development.
Two Hours or More: Greater than two hours was associated with lower global development outcomes.
Technoference: The distraction of devices interrupts “serve and return” interactions—vital for healthy child development.
Modelling Matters: Kids mimic their parents—mums who use screens more are more likely to have kids who use them too.
TV vs. Devices: Passive screen time (TV) is less harmful than interactive, overstimulating device use—but still not ideal.
Screen Time ≠ Quality Learning: Despite nostalgic memories of “learning” from Sesame Street, research shows TV is a poor teacher compared to real-world engagement.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:

"Screens are a hollow imitation of real life... real development happens in person-to-person, face-to-face interactions."

RESOURCES:
The study published in Nature Scientific Reports (March 2025)
Unplugged Parenthood: Reducing Screen Time to Strengthen Family Connections [Article]
Happy Families website: happyfamilies.com.au

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
Be Present: Put down your phone when you're with your child—especially in those early years.
Set Boundaries: Limit both your own and your child’s screen time with simple routines (e.g., no phones at the table or during playtime).
Model Mindful Use: Show kids what healthy tech habits look like—because they’re watching.
Prioritise Engagement: Make time for face-to-face chats, shared play, and reading together—real-life interactions build real brains.
Use Screens Intentionally: If you need a break, opt for TV over devices, and choose age-appropriate, narrative-driven content.

Are your phone habits impacting your child&rsquo;s growth? We all know kids and screens don&rsquo;t mix well&mdash;but what about parents and screens? A compelling new study has uncovered a strong link between a mother&rsquo;s screen time and her child&rsquo;s developmental outcomes. In this Doctor&rsquo;s Desk episode, Dr Justin and Kylie Coulson unpack the latest research on "technoference" and what happens to our children when our eyes are glued to our devices. The results may just change the way you use your phone&mdash;especially around your kids.
KEY POINTS:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Study Summary: Japanese research of ~4,000 mother-child pairs found that more than one hour of screen use by mums in front of their children correlates with lower language and social development.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Two Hours or More: Greater than two hours was associated with lower global development outcomes.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Technoference: The distraction of devices interrupts &ldquo;serve and return&rdquo; interactions&mdash;vital for healthy child development.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Modelling Matters: Kids mimic their parents&mdash;mums who use screens more are more likely to have kids who use them too.</li>
<li aria-level="1">TV vs. Devices: Passive screen time (TV) is less harmful than interactive, overstimulating device use&mdash;but still not ideal.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Screen Time &ne; Quality Learning: Despite nostalgic memories of &ldquo;learning&rdquo; from Sesame Street, research shows TV is a poor teacher compared to real-world engagement.</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
"Screens are a hollow imitation of real life... real development happens in person-to-person, face-to-face interactions."
RESOURCES:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">The study published in Nature Scientific Reports (March 2025)</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/articles/unplugging-parenthood">Unplugged Parenthood: Reducing Screen Time to Strengthen Family Connections</a> [Article]</li>
<li aria-level="1">Happy Families website: <a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au">happyfamilies.com.au</a></li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
<ol>
<li aria-level="1">Be Present: Put down your phone when you're with your child&mdash;especially in those early years.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Set Boundaries: Limit both your own and your child&rsquo;s screen time with simple routines (e.g., no phones at the table or during playtime).</li>
<li aria-level="1">Model Mindful Use: Show kids what healthy tech habits look like&mdash;because they&rsquo;re watching.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Prioritise Engagement: Make time for face-to-face chats, shared play, and reading together&mdash;real-life interactions build real brains.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Use Screens Intentionally: If you need a break, opt for TV over devices, and choose age-appropriate, narrative-driven content.</li>
</ol>

Mum’s Screen Time: What It’s Really Doing to Your Child’s Development

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/a95a8bcb-85a4-490a-a9f0-b3b300ad7f20/transcript

Boys take risks. They push limits. They scare us. But underneath all that danger is an ancient drive to grow up and belong. In this deeply eye-opening conversation with Dr Arne Rubinstein, we unpack why boys behave this way, the missing “rite of passage” that modern culture has abandoned, and what parents can do today to help boys become grounded, respectful, and emotionally mature young men. This episode delivers clarity, relief, and practical steps every family needs.

KEY POINTS


Boys are wired for risk — if adults don’t create safe challenges, they’ll create their own.


Cultures worldwide share four rite-of-passage elements: storytelling, challenge, visioning, and honouring.


Without that process, boys can grow into adult men with boy psychology (self-centred, entitled, emotionally volatile).


Dads, mums, and male role models each play a critical role — but the village matters for every boy.


Early parenting is crucial: strong relationships, fair boundaries, shared stories, and responsibilities build maturity.


Single mums can create support through uncles, mentors, friends, and community.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“Every boy will go through a rite of passage. The question is whether he creates it himself — or whether we create something appropriate for him.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED


Dr Arne Rubinstein — Rites of Passage Institute


The Making of Men (book)


Happy Families Bringing Up Boys Summit
The Miss-Connection Summit is also available
Sign up here to be the first to news about Justin's new book 'Boys'

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS


Create 1:1 connection time — device-free and regular.


Share stories from your own adolescence — including failures and learnings.


Acknowledge strengths — notice what goes right.


Teach reflection before correction — ask what they think first.


Pair privileges with responsibility — avoid entitlement.


Build the village — involve mentors, relatives, teachers, coaches.


Separate the child from the behaviour — “I love you, but this isn’t okay.”

Boys take risks. They push limits. They scare us. But underneath all that danger is an ancient drive to grow up and belong. In this deeply eye-opening conversation with Dr Arne Rubinstein, we unpack why boys behave this way, the missing &ldquo;rite of passage&rdquo; that modern culture has abandoned, and what parents can do today to help boys become grounded, respectful, and emotionally mature young men. This episode delivers clarity, relief, and practical steps every family needs.
KEY POINTS
<ul data-start="713" data-end="1344">
<li data-start="713" data-end="806">
Boys are wired for risk &mdash; if adults don&rsquo;t create safe challenges, they&rsquo;ll create their own.
</li>
<li data-start="807" data-end="915">
Cultures worldwide share four rite-of-passage elements: storytelling, challenge, visioning, and honouring.
</li>
<li data-start="916" data-end="1038">
Without that process, boys can grow into adult men with boy psychology (self-centred, entitled, emotionally volatile).
</li>
<li data-start="1039" data-end="1140">
Dads, mums, and male role models each play a critical role &mdash; but the village matters for every boy.
</li>
<li data-start="1141" data-end="1262">
Early parenting is crucial: strong relationships, fair boundaries, shared stories, and responsibilities build maturity.
</li>
<li data-start="1263" data-end="1344">
Single mums can create support through uncles, mentors, friends, and community.
</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
<blockquote data-start="1379" data-end="1527">
&ldquo;Every boy will go through a rite of passage. The question is whether he creates it himself &mdash; or whether we create something appropriate for him.&rdquo;
</blockquote>
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul data-start="1561" data-end="1686">
<li data-start="1561" data-end="1612">
Dr Arne Rubinstein &mdash; Rites of Passage Institute
</li>
<li data-start="1613" data-end="1641">
The Making of Men (book)
</li>
<li data-start="1642" data-end="1686">
Happy Families <a href="https://www.happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/bringing-up-boys-summit">Bringing Up Boys Summit</a>
</li>
<li data-start="1642" data-end="1686">The <a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/the-miss-connection-summit">Miss-Connection Summit</a> is also available</li>
<li data-start="1642" data-end="1686">Sign up <a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/boys-book-waitlist">here</a> to be the first to news about Justin's new book 'Boys'</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ol data-start="1725" data-end="2214">
<li data-start="1725" data-end="1785">
Create 1:1 connection time &mdash; device-free and regular.
</li>
<li data-start="1786" data-end="1868">
Share stories from your own adolescence &mdash; including failures and learnings.
</li>
<li data-start="1869" data-end="1923">
Acknowledge strengths &mdash; notice what goes right.
</li>
<li data-start="1924" data-end="1994">
Teach reflection before correction &mdash; ask what they think first.
</li>
<li data-start="1995" data-end="2058">
Pair privileges with responsibility &mdash; avoid entitlement.
</li>
<li data-start="2059" data-end="2132">
Build the village &mdash; involve mentors, relatives, teachers, coaches.
</li>
<li data-start="2133" data-end="2214">
Separate the child from the behaviour &mdash; &ldquo;I love you, but this isn&rsquo;t okay.&rdquo;
</li>
</ol>

Bringing Up Boys with Dr Arne Rubinstein

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/d5e5b010-52ab-482d-8afa-b3b300ad594f/transcript

Ever been halfway through a parenting reel thinking *“Oh wow, this is gold”… only to realise it’s actually terrible advice dressed up with pretty music and a pastel background? We’ve been there too. In today’s episode, Justin and Kylie unpack six pieces of popular parenting advice they’re choosing to ignore forever—and why you should too. From controlled crying to timeouts, “spoiling” kids with love, and the classic “just ignore the tantrum” strategy, we’re calling out the myths that sound helpful but harm connection. This episode is your permission slip to parent with heart, not hacks.

KEY POINTS:
Controlled crying is not independence training — It misunderstands attachment and ignores babies’ real needs.
Timeouts don’t teach, they isolate — Punishment in disguise erodes trust and connection.
Responsiveness isn’t spoiling — Kids thrive when we tune in, not tune out.
Ignoring tantrums doesn’t make them go away — Empathy teaches emotional regulation.
“Seen and not heard” is still hanging around (and still harmful) — Kids need space to be curious, push back respectfully, and develop their voice.
Self-soothing is a myth for little ones — Kids learn to calm down with us, not alone.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
 “Abandoning children in their most vulnerable moments teaches them nothing—except that our love is conditional.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
The Whole-Brain Childby Dr. Daniel Siegel
Attachment research by Dr. Allan Schore

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
Challenge bad advice — When you hear advice that feels off, trust your gut and check the research.
Choose connection over correction — When your child is distressed, meet them with empathy instead of isolation.
Be responsive, not reactive — Show up consistently so your child learns to regulate through co-regulation.
Make space for their voice — Let your kids respectfully question, push back, and express themselves.
Ditch the naughty chair — Find real discipline strategies that teach, not punish.

Ever been halfway through a parenting reel thinking *&ldquo;Oh wow, this is gold&rdquo;&hellip; only to realise it&rsquo;s actually terrible advice dressed up with pretty music and a pastel background? We&rsquo;ve been there too. In today&rsquo;s episode, Justin and Kylie unpack six pieces of popular parenting advice they&rsquo;re choosing to ignore forever&mdash;and why you should too. From controlled crying to timeouts, &ldquo;spoiling&rdquo; kids with love, and the classic&nbsp;&ldquo;just ignore the tantrum&rdquo; strategy, we&rsquo;re calling out the myths that sound helpful but harm connection. This episode is your permission slip to parent with heart, not hacks.
KEY POINTS:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Controlled crying is not independence training &mdash; It misunderstands attachment and ignores babies&rsquo; real needs.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Timeouts don&rsquo;t teach, they isolate &mdash; Punishment in disguise erodes trust and connection.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Responsiveness isn&rsquo;t spoiling &mdash; Kids thrive when we tune in, not tune out.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Ignoring tantrums doesn&rsquo;t make them go away &mdash; Empathy teaches emotional regulation.</li>
<li aria-level="1">&ldquo;Seen and not heard&rdquo; is still hanging around (and still harmful) &mdash; Kids need space to be curious, push back respectfully, and develop their voice.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Self-soothing is a myth for little ones &mdash; Kids learn to calm down with us, not alone.</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: &ldquo;Abandoning children in their most vulnerable moments teaches them nothing&mdash;except that our love is conditional.&rdquo;
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://drdansiegel.com/book/the-whole-brain-child/">The Whole-Brain Child </a>by Dr. Daniel Siegel</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.allanschore.com/pdf/SchoreAttachHumDev.pdf">Attachment research</a> by Dr. Allan Schore</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
<ol>
<li aria-level="1">Challenge bad advice &mdash; When you hear advice that feels off, trust your gut and check the research.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Choose connection over correction &mdash; When your child is distressed, meet them with empathy instead of isolation.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Be responsive, not reactive &mdash; Show up consistently so your child learns to regulate through co-regulation.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Make space for their voice &mdash; Let your kids respectfully question, push back, and express themselves.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Ditch the naughty chair &mdash; Find real discipline strategies that teach, not punish.</li>
</ol>

The 6 Worst Parenting Tips We’re Never Taking Again

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/cec6a6fb-ed35-4c43-9996-b3b300ad3f42/transcript

#487 Holiday Edition - Alfie Kohn

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