Why Kids Who 'Talk Back' Grow Up To Be Better Adults

Topics included in this episode:
Article mentioned - Why Kids Who 'Talk Back' Grow Up To Be Better Adults
Kylie was a compliant child. Justin was not. His family encouraged speaking up for yourself.
"the inability to say "No" — the inability to set personal boundaries — is one of the most common, insidious causes of human suffering." - Clinical psychologist Kelly M. Flanagan
Our job as parents is to teach them how to say no and push back effectively
Get curious, not furious
Kids need to be able to practice being heard
Kids need to know that we trust them
Acknowledge that your children have preferences
Come into the conversation with compassion
If our children don't feel safe saying 'no' to us, who else are they going to have trouble saying 'no' to?




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Why Kids Who 'Talk Back' Grow Up To Be Better AdultsTopics included in this episode:<ul>
<li>Article mentioned - <a href="https://www.yourtango.com/family/why-kids-who-talk-back-grow-up-be-better-adults">Why Kids Who 'Talk Back' Grow Up To Be Better Adults</a>
</li>
<li>Kylie was a compliant child. Justin was not. His family encouraged speaking up for yourself.</li>
<li>"the inability to say "No" — the inability to set personal boundaries — is one of the most common, insidious causes of human suffering." - Clinical psychologist Kelly M. Flanagan</li>
<li>Our job as parents is to teach them how to say no and push back effectively</li>
<li>Get curious, not furious</li>
<li>Kids need to be able to practice being heard</li>
<li>Kids need to know that we trust them</li>
<li>Acknowledge that your children have preferences</li>
<li>Come into the conversation with compassion</li>
<li>If our children don't feel safe saying 'no' to us, who else are they going to have trouble saying 'no' to?</li>
</ul> Purchase a ticket to the <a href="https://happyfamiliesfamilyeducation.ac-page.com/bringing-up-boys-summit">Bringing Up Boys Summit</a>Purchase <a href="https://www.happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/the-dos-donts-of-discipline">The Do's &amp; Dont's of Discipline</a> or find it in your <a href="https://www.happyfamilies.com.au/membership/parents">Happy Families Membership</a>. Because a happy family doesn't just happen.Find us on Facebook at <a href="https://www.facebook.com/happyfamilies.au/">Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families</a>Email us your questions and comments at <a href="mailto:podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au">podcasts@happyfamilies.com.au</a>

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From early childhood challenges to the complexities of the teenage years, each daily episode offers simple, evidence-based strategies to help you feel more confident in your decisions and more connected to your kids.

Deciding which parenting advice to follow?&nbsp;Join the thousands of mums and dads who turn to Australia&rsquo;s most downloaded parenting podcast.
Dr Justin Coulson and his wife Kylie bring real parenting solutions every day, cutting through the noise of modern advice with clear, practical guidance for every step of parenting.
From early childhood challenges to the complexities of the teenage years, each daily episode offers simple, evidence-based strategies to help you feel more confident in your decisions and more connected to your kids.

The Happy families podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now.

Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

#473 Teaching Your Children How to Say No

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/2c6153c2-d46f-4680-bea5-af460041460e/transcript

More choice should make us happier. Turns out, it often does the opposite.

Whether it’s choosing a movie, buying a pair of jeans or helping your child pick school subjects, searching for the absolute best option can leave us anxious, regretful and less satisfied with what we eventually choose.

Justin and Kylie unpack the psychology of maximising versus satisficing and what the research reveals about decision-making. They explore why “good enough” can sometimes make us happier, how too many choices affect kids, and how to know when a decision deserves serious thought and when it’s time to stop searching.

KEY POINTS
The difference between maximisers and satisficers
Why finding the “best” option doesn’t always make us happier
How too many choices can increase regret and dissatisfaction
Why kids often benefit from fewer options
How to decide what “good enough” looks like before you start searching
Which decisions deserve more time and which ones don’t
How parents can model confident decision-making

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“If you can decide what’s going to be good enough before you start the search, then once you find it, you can stop the search.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED
Herbert Simon’s concept of “satisficing”
Research by Sheena Iyengar, Barry Schwartz and Jonathan Wells on maximising and decision-making

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
Shrink the choice. Give children two or three options instead of an endless list.
Set the standard first. Decide what “good enough” looks like before searching.
Say it out loud. Let your kids hear you say, “This works. I’m happy with this choice.”
Match the effort to the decision. University choices deserve more thought than what to eat for dinner.
Notice decision avoidance. Ask whether you’re still searching for a better answer or because committing to one feels uncomfortable.

More choice should make us happier. Turns out, it often does the opposite.
Whether it&rsquo;s choosing a movie, buying a pair of jeans or helping your child pick school subjects, searching for the absolute best option can leave us anxious, regretful and less satisfied with what we eventually choose.
Justin and Kylie unpack the psychology of maximising versus satisficing and what the research reveals about decision-making. They explore why &ldquo;good enough&rdquo; can sometimes make us happier, how too many choices affect kids, and how to know when a decision deserves serious thought and when it&rsquo;s time to stop searching.
KEY POINTS
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>The difference between maximisers and satisficers</li>
<li>Why finding the &ldquo;best&rdquo; option doesn&rsquo;t always make us happier</li>
<li>How too many choices can increase regret and dissatisfaction</li>
<li>Why kids often benefit from fewer options</li>
<li>How to decide what &ldquo;good enough&rdquo; looks like before you start searching</li>
<li>Which decisions deserve more time and which ones don&rsquo;t</li>
<li>How parents can model confident decision-making</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
&ldquo;If you can decide what&rsquo;s going to be good enough before you start the search, then once you find it, you can stop the search.&rdquo;
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>Herbert Simon&rsquo;s concept of &ldquo;<a href="https://www.behavioraleconomics.com/resources/mini-encyclopedia-of-be/satisficing/">satisficing</a>&rdquo;</li>
<li><a href="https://thedecisionlab.com/reference-guide/economics/the-paradox-of-choice">Research</a> by Sheena Iyengar, Barry Schwartz and Jonathan Wells on maximising and decision-making</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>Shrink the choice. Give children two or three options instead of an endless list.</li>
<li>Set the standard first. Decide what &ldquo;good enough&rdquo; looks like before searching.</li>
<li>Say it out loud. Let your kids hear you say, &ldquo;This works. I&rsquo;m happy with this choice.&rdquo;</li>
<li>Match the effort to the decision. University choices deserve more thought than what to eat for dinner.</li>
<li>Notice decision avoidance. Ask whether you&rsquo;re still searching for a better answer or because committing to one feels uncomfortable.</li>
</ul>

Why Overthinking Decisions Makes Us Less Happy

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/be74f881-4fb2-46c7-9fbd-b4b300baacd9/transcript

Parents have more advice, information and expert guidance than ever before. So why are so many feeling stressed, isolated and burnt out?

More than 10,000 Australian parents took part in the Parenting Today study, revealing a worrying decline in wellbeing, self-compassion and connection. Justin speaks with Derek McCormick, Director of Raising Children Network, about what's putting parents under so much pressure and whether the constant stream of parenting advice is part of the problem.

They unpack information overload, social media, AI, loneliness and the one simple shift that can help when parenting feels like too much.

KEY POINTS
What more than 10,000 Australian parents revealed about parenting today
Why having more parenting information hasn't necessarily made parenting easier
How social media and influencers can leave good parents feeling like they're getting it wrong
Why trusted information matters, but information alone isn't enough
The importance of real-world connection and peer support
Why keeping communication open with your kids matters more than pushing them to talk
How AI is changing where parents go for advice
Why self-compassion is a practical tool for overwhelmed parents

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

"Do I talk to myself the way I would talk to a good friend?"
Derek McCormick

RESOURCES MENTIONED
Raising Children Network
Parenting Today study from the Parenting Research Centre
MyTime peer support groups
Happy Families
Burnt Out webinar (included in the Happy Families membership)

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
Audit where your parenting advice is coming from. Choose sources you genuinely trust.
Notice which accounts, reels or advice leave you feeling inadequate. Give yourself permission to unfollow.
Talk to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a struggling friend.
Reach out to someone you trust instead of carrying the hard parts of parenting alone.
Focus on creating a relationship where your child feels safe bringing problems to you.

Parents have more advice, information and expert guidance than ever before. So why are so many feeling stressed, isolated and burnt out?
More than 10,000 Australian parents took part in the Parenting Today study, revealing a worrying decline in wellbeing, self-compassion and connection. Justin speaks with Derek McCormick, Director of Raising Children Network, about what's putting parents under so much pressure and whether the constant stream of parenting advice is part of the problem.
They unpack information overload, social media, AI, loneliness and the one simple shift that can help when parenting feels like too much.
KEY POINTS
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>What more than 10,000 Australian parents revealed about parenting today</li>
<li>Why having more parenting information hasn't necessarily made parenting easier</li>
<li>How social media and influencers can leave good parents feeling like they're getting it wrong</li>
<li>Why trusted information matters, but information alone isn't enough</li>
<li>The importance of real-world connection and peer support</li>
<li>Why keeping communication open with your kids matters more than pushing them to talk</li>
<li>How AI is changing where parents go for advice</li>
<li>Why self-compassion is a practical tool for overwhelmed parents</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
"Do I talk to myself the way I would talk to a good friend?" Derek McCormick
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul data-spread="false">
<li><a href="https://raisingchildren.net.au/">Raising Children Network</a></li>
<li><a href="https://parentingtoday.net.au/about-parenting-today/">Parenting Today study</a> from the Parenting Research Centre</li>
<li><a href="https://www.playgroupnsw.org.au/about/programs/mytime/">MyTime</a> peer support groups</li>
<li>Happy Families</li>
<li><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/qwebinar-burnt-out">Burnt Out</a> webinar (included in the Happy Families membership)</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ul data-spread="false">
<li>Audit where your parenting advice is coming from. Choose sources you genuinely trust.</li>
<li>Notice which accounts, reels or advice leave you feeling inadequate. Give yourself permission to unfollow.</li>
<li>Talk to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a struggling friend.</li>
<li>Reach out to someone you trust instead of carrying the hard parts of parenting alone.</li>
<li>Focus on creating a relationship where your child feels safe bringing problems to you.</li>
</ul>

Derek McCormack on Parental Stress and Burnout

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/d7acdc44-ba47-40ca-a804-b4b300ba71e8/transcript

Your child is standing in front of a party table loaded with cake, lollies and soft drink. Do you step in or let them go for it?

Justin and Kylie’s answer might surprise you: let the party be the party.

Research suggests that tightly restricting treats can make kids want them even more. Instead of policing every mouthful, this episode explores how parents can help kids build genuine self-control, trust around food and the ability to notice when their body has had enough.

KEY POINTS
Why restricting treats can make them more desirable
The problem with policing what kids eat at parties
Why healthy food habits are built at home, not beside the lolly table
How trust helps kids develop their own self-control
Why parents can decide what food is offered while kids decide whether and how much they eat
How to help kids recognise their body's signals
Why the best teaching moment may come after the party

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“The child who is calm around the lolly table got there by being trusted around food when it wasn't a big deal.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED
Fisher and Birch research on restricting children's access to palatable foods
Walter Mischel's Marshmallow Experiment and the 2018 replication study
Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility in Feeding

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
Let parties be parties. One afternoon of cake and lollies isn't going to determine your child's health.
Build everyday habits at home. Offer nutritious options without turning food into a constant battle.
Take the drama out of treats. Avoid making sugary food forbidden, precious or unusually exciting.
Give your child some control. Let them practise deciding how much they want to eat.
Talk afterwards. If they come home feeling sick or uncomfortable, help them connect how they feel with what they ate rather than lecturing them at the party.
Teach body awareness. Help them notice hunger, fullness and how different foods make them feel.

Your child is standing in front of a party table loaded with cake, lollies and soft drink. Do you step in or let them go for it?
Justin and Kylie&rsquo;s answer might surprise you: let the party be the party.
Research suggests that tightly restricting treats can make kids want them even more. Instead of policing every mouthful, this episode explores how parents can help kids build genuine self-control, trust around food and the ability to notice when their body has had enough.
KEY POINTS
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Why restricting treats can make them more desirable</li>
<li aria-level="1">The problem with policing what kids eat at parties</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why healthy food habits are built at home, not beside the lolly table</li>
<li aria-level="1">How trust helps kids develop their own self-control</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why parents can decide what food is offered while kids decide whether and how much they eat</li>
<li aria-level="1">How to help kids recognise their body's signals</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why the best teaching moment may come after the party</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
&ldquo;The child who is calm around the lolly table got there by being trusted around food when it wasn't a big deal.&rdquo;
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10357749/\">Fisher and Birch research </a>on restricting children's access to palatable foods</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.simplypsychology.org/marshmallow-test.html">Walter Mischel's Marshmallow Experiment</a> and the <a href="https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6050075/">2018 replication study</a></li>
<li aria-level="1">Ellyn Satter's <a href="https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/satter-feeding-dynamics-model/">Division of Responsibility in Feeding</a></li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Let parties be parties. One afternoon of cake and lollies isn't going to determine your child's health.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Build everyday habits at home. Offer nutritious options without turning food into a constant battle.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Take the drama out of treats. Avoid making sugary food forbidden, precious or unusually exciting.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Give your child some control. Let them practise deciding how much they want to eat.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Talk afterwards. If they come home feeling sick or uncomfortable, help them connect how they feel with what they ate rather than lecturing them at the party.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Teach body awareness. Help them notice hunger, fullness and how different foods make them feel.</li>
</ul>

Why Restricting Party Treats Can Backfire [a Listener Q&A]

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/f00777f3-ba55-43d0-990f-b4b300ba475f/transcript

#473 Teaching Your Children How to Say No

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