The SAS is a special unit in Australia's military. It's called the Special Air Service. Mister Tim Curtis is a senior partner at Metal Global Holdings, a senior consultant with more than twenty years of leadership a management experience, and he served in the SAS. He's been on the missions that we usually only see in the movies.

The SAS is a special unit in Australia's military. It's called the Special Air Service. Mister Tim Curtis is a senior partner at Metal Global Holdings, a senior consultant with more than twenty years of leadership a management experience, and he served in the SAS. He's been on the missions that we usually only see in the movies.

He's got the kind.

He's got the kind.

Of experience with stress and the experience with building resilience that most of us could never even imagine. And recently I sat down and had a conversation with Tim Curtis about stress, about resilience and how we can bring up strong kids. Why because he's got a brand new book coming out. The book is called Building Resilient Kids. And on Saturday, I'm going to play the entire conversation today a couple of sneak peaks. The insights are valuable and I couldn't wait to Saturday to share at least some of it. It's a long introduction, let's get on with it. Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor Justin Coulson. I'm here with my wife, missus Happy Families. Kylie not feeling great today?

Of experience with stress and the experience with building resilience that most of us could never even imagine. And recently I sat down and had a conversation with Tim Curtis about stress, about resilience and how we can bring up strong kids. Why because he's got a brand new book coming out. The book is called Building Resilient Kids. And on Saturday, I'm going to play the entire conversation today a couple of sneak peaks. The insights are valuable and I couldn't wait to Saturday to share at least some of it. It's a long introduction, let's get on with it. Hello, Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. My name is doctor Justin Coulson. I'm here with my wife, missus Happy Families. Kylie not feeling great today?

Honey, I'm not feeling great. I'm not feeling resilient, a little bit of a scratchy throat. So hopefully we can get through.

Honey, I'm not feeling great. I'm not feeling resilient, a little bit of a scratchy throat. So hopefully we can get through.

This all right, Real parenting solutions every day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Let's just crack straight into it. The first thing that I want to do is play what Tim had to say about stress. Why because so many parents are worried about the kids experiencing stress. So many parents I don't want their kids to experience the things that they went through because stress feels well stressful. This is what he had to say about the usefulness of stress.

This all right, Real parenting solutions every day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Let's just crack straight into it. The first thing that I want to do is play what Tim had to say about stress. Why because so many parents are worried about the kids experiencing stress. So many parents I don't want their kids to experience the things that they went through because stress feels well stressful. This is what he had to say about the usefulness of stress.

We think about stress like it is all incredibly negative, but Yerks and Dods and two researchers over one hundred years ago prove that some stress in our life is beneficial. We can't have too little stress, we can't have too much stress, but the right amount of stress drives us to optimize performance. And the second comment I've made so that is the thing called resilience, which is a big word that hopefully we've codified in a fairly coherent way. It varies by degree, not kind. So that amount of stress in your life my life the life of our parents should be the same amount of stress in our kids' life, but it varies by degree, not kind, so it's relative stress. Perhaps if I can cite one example, my youngest did not want to go to her year ten school camp. She said, Dad, I've got anxiety. I don't want to go, making me anxious. I'm not going to survive the school camp. Now, back when we were growing up, that wasn't that's ronical term, that word anxiety. It was just called nervous. We said, nope, you're going to go. You'll grow from it. And on the other side of disturbance and disruption is growth. And so off she went. She came back, had an incredible time, and twelve months later she's in the United States instructing at a summer camp herself. A little bit of st is useful.

We think about stress like it is all incredibly negative, but Yerks and Dods and two researchers over one hundred years ago prove that some stress in our life is beneficial. We can't have too little stress, we can't have too much stress, but the right amount of stress drives us to optimize performance. And the second comment I've made so that is the thing called resilience, which is a big word that hopefully we've codified in a fairly coherent way. It varies by degree, not kind. So that amount of stress in your life my life the life of our parents should be the same amount of stress in our kids' life, but it varies by degree, not kind, so it's relative stress. Perhaps if I can cite one example, my youngest did not want to go to her year ten school camp. She said, Dad, I've got anxiety. I don't want to go, making me anxious. I'm not going to survive the school camp. Now, back when we were growing up, that wasn't that's ronical term, that word anxiety. It was just called nervous. We said, nope, you're going to go. You'll grow from it. And on the other side of disturbance and disruption is growth. And so off she went. She came back, had an incredible time, and twelve months later she's in the United States instructing at a summer camp herself. A little bit of st is useful.

I love this for so many reasons. We talked about the idea that we can have emotions but not be the emotion, that we can actually experience things but not identify as them. And this week a post came up in my feed that just resonated beautifully with me. The idea that the emotions we experience as a result of stress in our lives are actually these amazing signals. Signals. Yeah, they give us information and if we utilize them, they actually can bless our lives in amazing ways. So just a few that came that stood out to me in this post was anger. Anger is is energy with a purpose. It builds when something challenges your values, it disrespects your boundaries or disrupts your sense of justice. Instead of letting it take over, turn it into change.

I love this for so many reasons. We talked about the idea that we can have emotions but not be the emotion, that we can actually experience things but not identify as them. And this week a post came up in my feed that just resonated beautifully with me. The idea that the emotions we experience as a result of stress in our lives are actually these amazing signals. Signals. Yeah, they give us information and if we utilize them, they actually can bless our lives in amazing ways. So just a few that came that stood out to me in this post was anger. Anger is is energy with a purpose. It builds when something challenges your values, it disrespects your boundaries or disrupts your sense of justice. Instead of letting it take over, turn it into change.

Guilt.

Guilt.

Guilt is a sign that you're actions don't align with your values, so let it guide you, not punish you. Frustration. Frustration is the feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome. It's a sign that something isn't working either shift your approach or your expectations.

Guilt is a sign that you're actions don't align with your values, so let it guide you, not punish you. Frustration. Frustration is the feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome. It's a sign that something isn't working either shift your approach or your expectations.

Yeah, that's a really nice one. The frustration tolerance that I'm always talking about fits really nicely there. I'm putting a lot of effort, I'm not getting the outcome that I want. And if we can help our children to understand it, the stress that comes from this frustration is productive that by continuing to work in that zone of learning, that pit of what feels like despair sometimes will ultimately strengthen them, help them to build the muscles that they need so that this thing no longer no longer creates the frustration for them, Kytie. I want to pick up on a couple of things that he said as well. First of all, he talked about the Yerx Dodson law. I think it was developed in like nineteen oh eight or something like that. And this is something that I've used with our own kids, and I've used it in many, many counseling and conversation situations that I've had, where you basically draw this camel hump. At the bottom of the hump on the left hand side. What you're saying is there's no arousal, there's no anxiety, there's no stress, and therefore performance really low. But counterintuitively, as stress and anxiety and arousali go up, performance improves. Why because you actually care about it, you're making an effort. There's a level of stress on your body until you reach this peak level. If you get too much arousal, too much stress, too much anxiety, then performance starts to drop down the other side of the hump again. And so that's what the Erks Dodson law is. I just think he absolutely nailed it with what he said there The other thing that really stood out to me was this he said, on the other side of disturbance and disruption, in other words, on the other side of anxiety and stress is growth. So I'm constantly saying this on the pod. Avoidance reinforces anxiety.

Yeah, that's a really nice one. The frustration tolerance that I'm always talking about fits really nicely there. I'm putting a lot of effort, I'm not getting the outcome that I want. And if we can help our children to understand it, the stress that comes from this frustration is productive that by continuing to work in that zone of learning, that pit of what feels like despair sometimes will ultimately strengthen them, help them to build the muscles that they need so that this thing no longer no longer creates the frustration for them, Kytie. I want to pick up on a couple of things that he said as well. First of all, he talked about the Yerx Dodson law. I think it was developed in like nineteen oh eight or something like that. And this is something that I've used with our own kids, and I've used it in many, many counseling and conversation situations that I've had, where you basically draw this camel hump. At the bottom of the hump on the left hand side. What you're saying is there's no arousal, there's no anxiety, there's no stress, and therefore performance really low. But counterintuitively, as stress and anxiety and arousali go up, performance improves. Why because you actually care about it, you're making an effort. There's a level of stress on your body until you reach this peak level. If you get too much arousal, too much stress, too much anxiety, then performance starts to drop down the other side of the hump again. And so that's what the Erks Dodson law is. I just think he absolutely nailed it with what he said there The other thing that really stood out to me was this he said, on the other side of disturbance and disruption, in other words, on the other side of anxiety and stress is growth. So I'm constantly saying this on the pod. Avoidance reinforces anxiety.

But you know what.

But you know what.

Activates growth is action, action, moving towards it, leaning in, getting curious, taking that anxiety, that stress, that worry, and saying all right, I need to learn more about this. I need to step into it, not step away from it. I was doing a seminar recently and a phrase just popped into my head. It didn't pop into my head so much as it popped out of my mouth, and then my head heard it and went, oh, that's really good. I said, there's no triumph without trial. There's no triumph without trial. And that's really I think what Tim's getting at here. Well, I know that's what Tim's getting at here. You don't know you're resilient, so you have to do the hard things. And so by protecting our kids from doing hard things, they don't have the opportunity to flex that resilience muscle.

Activates growth is action, action, moving towards it, leaning in, getting curious, taking that anxiety, that stress, that worry, and saying all right, I need to learn more about this. I need to step into it, not step away from it. I was doing a seminar recently and a phrase just popped into my head. It didn't pop into my head so much as it popped out of my mouth, and then my head heard it and went, oh, that's really good. I said, there's no triumph without trial. There's no triumph without trial. And that's really I think what Tim's getting at here. Well, I know that's what Tim's getting at here. You don't know you're resilient, so you have to do the hard things. And so by protecting our kids from doing hard things, they don't have the opportunity to flex that resilience muscle.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah, I love it.

After the break, the thing that he said that really cattured me about the different layers of resilience. Okay, Kylie, we're talking about Tim Curtis. He's got a book coming out of the next few days. It's called Building Resilient Kids. Just check online you'll be able to find at Tim Curtis Building Resilient Kids. The other thing that he said, Kylie, that really really grabbed me. He talked about this thing that I haven't come across before, the four layers of resilience.

After the break, the thing that he said that really cattured me about the different layers of resilience. Okay, Kylie, we're talking about Tim Curtis. He's got a book coming out of the next few days. It's called Building Resilient Kids. Just check online you'll be able to find at Tim Curtis Building Resilient Kids. The other thing that he said, Kylie, that really really grabbed me. He talked about this thing that I haven't come across before, the four layers of resilience.

The four truly modifiable layers are the mind layer. It's the importance of mindset and also the importance of meditation and mindfulness practices, which yes, you can teach by agent stage to a toddle of Wadler tween and teen. Then there's the body layer. Unsurprisingly, sleep, diet, and exercise. They exist in this healthy trinity. Anything you do on one of those angles influences the other angle. And I get no prizes for telling you and your listeners that that when we're under stress load, what are the first three things that go inevitably it's.

The four truly modifiable layers are the mind layer. It's the importance of mindset and also the importance of meditation and mindfulness practices, which yes, you can teach by agent stage to a toddle of Wadler tween and teen. Then there's the body layer. Unsurprisingly, sleep, diet, and exercise. They exist in this healthy trinity. Anything you do on one of those angles influences the other angle. And I get no prizes for telling you and your listeners that that when we're under stress load, what are the first three things that go inevitably it's.

Exercise, we eat lousies, stoping in our bodies, and get less sleep.

Exercise, we eat lousies, stoping in our bodies, and get less sleep.

Yeah, totally, that's right. That's right. And then there's the social layers, so the importance of social support systems, the people that are there for you, that you're there for. Then the professional lay. If we suck at our job, it's likely to bring more stress in our life. This is about improving confidence and competence to overcome adversities in our professional life, including is stay at home parents if that's the profession that you have.

Yeah, totally, that's right. That's right. And then there's the social layers, so the importance of social support systems, the people that are there for you, that you're there for. Then the professional lay. If we suck at our job, it's likely to bring more stress in our life. This is about improving confidence and competence to overcome adversities in our professional life, including is stay at home parents if that's the profession that you have.

I never heard of this idea or concept of four layers to building resilience.

I never heard of this idea or concept of four layers to building resilience.

Yeah, four different domains where it matters, I guess.

Yeah, four different domains where it matters, I guess.

Yeah. I love that the mind is the first layer because, as we know, the way we think impacts so much of what we actually do.

Yeah. I love that the mind is the first layer because, as we know, the way we think impacts so much of what we actually do.

You are what you think. You are what you think, and what you think shapes your habits, and your habits shape your life.

You are what you think. You are what you think, and what you think shapes your habits, and your habits shape your life.

And mindsets at the absolute forefront of all of that. So I love that. I love the idea and your acknowledgment that when we're under stressed, the three things that get just hammered every single time is our ability to sleep, the kinds of foods that we eat. We crave the crappiest food when we're stressed.

And mindsets at the absolute forefront of all of that. So I love that. I love the idea and your acknowledgment that when we're under stressed, the three things that get just hammered every single time is our ability to sleep, the kinds of foods that we eat. We crave the crappiest food when we're stressed.

Well, it's because our willpower is low and we're just looking for a quick fix, A quick fix. Yeah, just got to turn our resources to other things.

Well, it's because our willpower is low and we're just looking for a quick fix, A quick fix. Yeah, just got to turn our resources to other things.

And unfortunately our motivation is low then as well also, right, so exercise goes out the window. Social supports. This is just it's so huge. And I think what we're witnessing so much in our young kids, and I think across the board all of us, is this lack of social systems and social support structures because we are so busy and looking down all the time.

And unfortunately our motivation is low then as well also, right, so exercise goes out the window. Social supports. This is just it's so huge. And I think what we're witnessing so much in our young kids, and I think across the board all of us, is this lack of social systems and social support structures because we are so busy and looking down all the time.

It's so funny because the more I think about resilience, the more I think about the conversation we're having now. It's really simple, like, if you want to live a happy life, focus on building good relationships, look after your body and your health by getting enough sleep, moving your body, and eating good food. Stay off screens, get outside and be in nature. Like, do those things and you'll pretty much be okay, you'll be resilient. You'll do enough hard things. It's just it's what we do for our well being.

It's so funny because the more I think about resilience, the more I think about the conversation we're having now. It's really simple, like, if you want to live a happy life, focus on building good relationships, look after your body and your health by getting enough sleep, moving your body, and eating good food. Stay off screens, get outside and be in nature. Like, do those things and you'll pretty much be okay, you'll be resilient. You'll do enough hard things. It's just it's what we do for our well being.

Anyway.

Anyway.

As you can tell, Tim's got a lot to offer. And I asked him about some of the missions that he served, what he was doing militarily when he was in the SAS, and how that taught him about resilience as well. The conversation is really really intriguing and a delightful one, and we'll play the entire thing for you on Saturday. That's it for now. Though The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, Mim Hammonds provides the research and a whole lot of other support. We appreciate both Justin and Mim. If you think that your family will be happier because of this episode, would you take a minute and share it. Maybe there's somebody that you know who would also benefit from a quick conversation about resilience, stress, and doing better in life with these couple of ideas, Just click a couple of buttons, shoot it through. It won't take you any time at all, and it might just make a difference in somebody else's life. If you like information and more resources about making your family happier, check out Happy Families dot com dot au and more details about Tim's new book in the show notes.

As you can tell, Tim's got a lot to offer. And I asked him about some of the missions that he served, what he was doing militarily when he was in the SAS, and how that taught him about resilience as well. The conversation is really really intriguing and a delightful one, and we'll play the entire thing for you on Saturday. That's it for now. Though The Happy Family's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, Mim Hammonds provides the research and a whole lot of other support. We appreciate both Justin and Mim. If you think that your family will be happier because of this episode, would you take a minute and share it. Maybe there's somebody that you know who would also benefit from a quick conversation about resilience, stress, and doing better in life with these couple of ideas, Just click a couple of buttons, shoot it through. It won't take you any time at all, and it might just make a difference in somebody else's life. If you like information and more resources about making your family happier, check out Happy Families dot com dot au and more details about Tim's new book in the show notes.