Bec, from Sydney, has a 2-year-old who keeps running towards the road when out at parks, playgrounds, and shops. Running away is developmentally normal: little kids love to explore. But it's also very scary! There are four things parents can do to keep their "runner" safe when out and about.
Karen, from Brisbane, asks how to navigate the ongoing challenge of school refusal. Ongoing conversations with both child and school are important when school attendance is a challenge. Dr Justin shares some questions to ask, and four ideas to increase engagement, competence, and confidence for your struggling student.
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It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers mew.
Today on the Happy Families Podcast, we are answering two troublesome questions for parents who would like to make their families happier. Number one, we're going to take on the issue of toddler's running away towards the road when you go to the park, or to the shops or pretty much anywhere. I don't know what it is. Two year olds they see the road, they go for it. And also the ongoing challenge of school refusal. We get so many questions about this. We're going to talk about emotion based school avoidance once again, this time for teenagers. If you would like to submit a question, we answer your questions every Tuesday on the podcast. Go to Happy Families dot com dot au, click on the podcast link and then you push the record button to submit your questions. It's that simple. So question number one.
Hey, my name is back and I'm from Sydney. Two small girls, four months and just a little over two. My two year old is just wonderful. She's bright and joyful. She however, runs away. We have spoken about car safety reenacted what to do around roads and explained to her boundaries when we arrive at playgrounds, but a couple of times at non fence playgrounds or at fence playgrounds without gates just gaps in the fencing, I have needed to ditch the pram and chase her to the edge of the road or close enough for great discomfort. Other than just not going where there's any room for escaping? What can I do? How do I support her to be safe in this situation and long term in other situations? Thank you so much for your help.
Okay, Beck love the question, Thanks so much for submitting it, and I really love the thoughtful way that you've put this together. Also love how the four month old is in the background trying to be part of the conversation. Been there, done that. Okay, So you've explained, you've role played, you've prepped, and your two year old is still running toward the road. Running away is totally normal. I'm so sorry. It's also totally scary. And that's the big challenge here, right. You know that it's not safe in some ways. Your toddler does as well, but they really cognitively they have no concept of what it means to really be unsafe, probably because you've done a great job of keeping your child safe, and so therefore they're interested in exploring. Like I said, totally developmentally appropriate, totally scary. Historically, if we look at the ancient record or even a couple of centuries ago, this was a big challenge even then, and so when parents had young children, they would swaddle them, keep them wrapped up, because that way they couldn't go anywhere. Even then, sometimes they'd roll into where the animals were or into the fireplace. As the kids get old and they start to get really mobile, like a very mobile two year old, there were issues about them going into the river or the lake or the forest, and so parents made up stories about goblins and monsters that were going to destroy them, eat them, steal them, all that kind of stuff, which I mean, you know, you can make up those stories if you want, but your kiddo is probably not really going to believe you, and may end up believing that the world is a really, really dangerous place. I don't know that that's that troublesome that concerning. There was a fun book called Hunt, Gather Parent that was written by somebody called Michael Leen du Clef a couple of years ago. In that book, Michael Lean talks about that, and it works really well even for the Eskimos living in North America. The people are the Mayans living in the Yucatan Peninsula. They still make up those stories and the kids end up safe most of the time. Let's talk about some solutions if you don't want to make up horrible stories about what's going to happen if they go near the road, which probably won't make a big difference anyway. Number one, The good news, your child feels safe. Your child actually feels safe, which means that your child feels secure and exploring, knowing that she can come back to you when things are dangerous. The bad news, your child feels safe, which means that she explores and she doesn't really know when things are dangerous, which means that she's potentially not coming back to you. Now, every now and again, I talk to a parent who says, I just call their bluff. I say, okay, bye, I have fun running on the road, and then I sit there and watch. I haven't got the stomach for that. I can't tolerate the discomfort associated with that, because if your child takes three extra steps, goes that extra meter and a half and ends up on the road on the bitchman. Well, that could be catastrophic. So what do you do? And Number one I reckon. Just keep on explaining, keep on having the conversation. This is something that you're going to need to talk about ongoingly, not necessarily road safety, but there will always be a safety issue for you to talk about with your child. It'll go from being road safety to body safety to I don't know, moral safety. It just keeps on happening over and over and over again as your child gets older. This is part of life. It's just you're at the toddler road safety issue right now. Something that can be useful here is getting your child to ex playing it to you. That doesn't always work because toddler's cognitive capacity, especially once they get emotional and excited, can be quite limited. But that's my solution. Their next solution. Be vigilant. This is a developmental stage. Your child will grow through it. Sometimes you just got to be on top of it and recognize if you go to a venue, a park, whatever, where there is the capacity for your child to get beyond defense, or if there is no offence and they could be on the road. You need to be vigilant full step. End of story. Other ideas lots of attention to running near the road can be absolutely delightful for your child. They get a whole lot of power out of it. They think that it's so much fun. They get the giggles. They see you chasing, and they think this is wonderful. I'm getting all this attention and they feel kind of powerful. But there's traffic there, so do what you musk. Here's the one piece of advice that might be really useful, though, and that is don't over respond in less worrisome situations. It's not always going to be about cars and traffic and genuine danger. Other times we overrespond and they still get the giggles, they still get the chase, they still get the power. But we could have just left it alone. So try to be as discerning as you can, relax where possible, don't step in unless you have to. I think that's going to make a difference. A couple of other solutions, maybe three other quick solutions after you remember that it's normal. Number one, always hold hands, just keep them attached to you. Number two, don't take them sometimes that's the best solution. Now, obviously, if you're going for an outing to the park, you need to take them. But if you're going shopping or you've got to run some errands, if there's any way that you can leave that child behind. They hate doing that stuff anyway, leave them with another adult that they can have better quality time with. Number three, be proactive. Not only are we working on explanations here, but go to places where it's safe. To the extent that you can do that, they're my best options. Otherwise, wait it out, let her grow it out. It will stop. Keep her safe in the meantime. Up next question number two. Question number two.
Hello Karen from Bristine. I do have some problems with my daughter going to school. She gets out of going to school approximately one day a month, I thought, but she told the pediatrician today it's more like one day a week. But I think that's a really high number of days off. But she's actually pretty good at figuring out when I'm busy and when I'm working from home, and she's actually very clever at watching me and working out when the best time to ask for a day off, and.
She'll usually get it based on my schedule and what else is going on in my world. So she's very clever with how she does it, and she's obviously very observant, and you know, I keep encouraging her to to go because it's better to not fall behind. And if you fall behind, then you feel like you're a goose, and then you don't want to go next time. And it's better to go because then you keep in touch with your friends, and you know, there's all these really good reasons that I try to encourage her. But yeah, it can be a bit of a struggle sometimes.
Oh, Karen from Brisbane, I hear it. Nobody wants to feel like a goose. That's such an australianism, isn't it. We have some American friends and the first time they heard me use the term goose, they thought that was just hilarious. No kid wants to feel like a goose. All right, let's talk about their school problems once a month. I mean that's not ideal. Once a week. That's really concerning. By some measures, people who do psychological research in this area would suggest that ten days per term, which is once a week, would equate to what's known as problematic school avoidance. This is a pretty high number, and it sounds like there could be some deceit around this. Now I've got no idea of the age of your child, but it does sound like, based on what you've described, we're dealing with a teenager here. This topic keeps on coming up in the podcast. Normally we're talking about younger kids. This time it's an older child, and I think it is a really big deal. We've got pretty clear messaging coming from researchers and from the government highlighting that every day counts. Now, some people take that to more extremes than others. If you're in the luxurious position of coming from a reasonably well off home where education is valued and there's lots of books and there's plenty of resources, then you can probably afford mental health day now and then. And it's okay. If you come from a low income home in an environment where education has not been valued previously, or there's just some challenges in the environment, every day really does matter. So there's a bit of a sort of an economic privilege that goes along with this concept. Let's just highlight though, there are positives and negatives to mental health days. If you've got kids that are doing really well, and they feel like having a day off because they I just want to rest, or they want to get on top of things a little bit more. When you're talking about teenagers, sometimes they can manage that reasonably well and it does feel good. Plus they get a sense of autonomy. If you've got a child who is struggling, or if you've got a child who wants to have too many mental health days, or if you just allow it, sometimes they get this sense that they're entitled to days off and it can blow out into this problematic school avoidance, which means that there ends up being too many days and then your kido falls behind, looks incompetent, and ultimately feels like a goose. So so how are we supposed to navigate this? I want to get a little bit, a little bit autobiographical for just a sec. My parents made me finish year twelve. I could have finished in year ten. I wanted to be a radio announcer. If you've listened to the radio, and you listen to whoever's running breakfast on your local radio station, you can usually tell that they didn't have to do that well in high school to be able to have the career that they've got. I knew that SORR. That sounded like a pretty derogatory to say, but anyone in radio knows it's true anyway, So let's move on. I knew that as a kid, I knew that nobody that I was looking up to in the radio industry had a fabulous academic pedigree, and I didn't need one either. I could have finished in year ten and gone on with it and been pretty done happy. Mum and Dad forced me to finish year twelve, and I've spent more time wagging school and surfing than going to school. They spent a lot of money, just wasn't great. So I think the first thing to do here is number one, work with the school. Talk to them about what you're seeing, ask them what they're seeing. Check to see if your child's engaged, and talk to the teachers to find out if there are ways that you can help your child to be more engaged. I mean, the reality is, especially once you get into high school, sometimes school just feels like a grind, feels like you're going absolutely nowhere, and that drives the kids crazy, especially once you get to about grade nine, grade ten. These are just these messy middle years when nothing much is happening, So work with the school. Number two, I'd say listen to your kid. Have a listen to your child. See what's going on for your child, understand them, and get your head around what it is that they either love or hate about school. My guess is going to come back to three basic psychological needs. Their relationships aren't going to be that great, or they're going to not feel like they're really getting it together from a competence, capability and progress point of view. Or they're going to feel controlled because they want to go in a different direction and this is just where we're forcing them to be. Once you've got that sorted, dive in and attach this to their goals and purpose, really understand where they want to go, and make sure that they're going to make progress rather than be a passenger. No one likes passengers. Everyone likes to be making progress. If you can attach their education to their goals on purpose, they're going to be much more engaged. They're going to buy in and just do a better job as a student. What that also means, number four is that we need to consider legitimate alternative strategies. If they've got a goal or a purpose that is not oriented towards an academic outcome. Now, finishing each world does matter. We've got pretty good data in a recent parliamentary inquiry. People who finish your twelve earn a lot more money than people who don't, They have better well being outcomes. It generally makes a big difference. But there are some people who don't finish your twelve who live incredible lives because they've tied it in with their purpose and they are heading in a positive direction. They're earning or they're learning, and they're heading in the right direction. So I guess that brings me to my fifth and final point, and that is this you need as a parent. You want as a parent to emphasize that sometimes school really does suck. Right, I'm sorry for being so blunt about it, but sometimes school is the worst, but it can get you where you want to go. And the difference between finishing and not finishing well. Not finishing casts a pretty long shadow through the rest of your life. Like I said, unless you've got some really strong alternative purpose that's going to get you where you want to go, Worth the conversation with the school, Worth the conversation with your child, worth working it out and absolutely absolutely considering whatever alternatives are necessary to get your child through this. It really matters. It will make a big difference that certification is valuable. Really hope that these questions have been answered to your satisfaction, have given you some ideas for your conversations with your kiddos to keep them safe and help them to progress. If you would like to submit a question, jump onto Happy families dot com dot you next Tuesday. I'll answer it to more questions Happy families dot com dot you. Leave us a voice note at the podcasts page. Super easy to use. Just press the button start talking. Make sure you write something down so you know what you want to say first, makes it come out a whole lot better. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin ruland from Bridge Media. More information about making your family happier is available at Happy families dot com dot you, including our brand new FELT membership. FELT stands for fostering emotional learning Together. It's our brand new membership integrated with our Happy Families membership to help you to do activities with your kids so that they can regulate their emotions better, be more resilient, and have better well being and your family can flourish all the details about Felt and the membersh at happy families dot com dot a
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