Should we be making our children apologise when they do the wrong thing? What does a sincere apology look like?

In this episode:
Parental Guidance (S1): “Forcing children to apologise is teaching children to lie”
Victim mentality
People pleasing
Ruptured relationships
The Parenting Revolution, by Dr Justin Coulson
Motivation Continuum - extrinsic, introjected, identified, integrated, intrinsic
Is It Wrong to Tell Kids to Apologize? | The Atlantic
Theory of Mind
Why do children apologise under coercion?
Feeling seen, heard, and valued
Repairing relationships
Why don't kids want to apologise?
4 components of a sincere apology

Related links: 
Should we Force our Children to Say 'Sorry'
Carrots & Sticks: How Rewards and Punishments Hurt Our Kids, and What to do Instead [Webinar]

Doors are now open to the Happy Families Membership

NEW weekly kids’ ‘Print & Play’ subscription FELT (Fostering Emotional Learning Together)

Find us on Facebook or TikTok

Subscribe to the Happy Families newsletter

Should we be making our children apologise when they do the wrong thing? What does a sincere apology look like?
In this episode:
<ul>
<li><a href="https://www.9now.com.au/parental-guidance/season-1">Parental Guidance (S1)</a>: “Forcing children to apologise is teaching children to lie”</li>
<li>Victim mentality</li>
<li>People pleasing</li>
<li>Ruptured relationships</li>
<li><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/the-parenting-revolution">The Parenting Revolution</a>, by Dr Justin Coulson</li>
<li>Motivation Continuum - extrinsic, introjected, identified, integrated, intrinsic</li>
<li><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2024/05/should-kids-apologize-parenting-debate/678294/">Is It Wrong to Tell Kids to Apologize? | The Atlantic</a></li>
<li><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/articles/developmental-milestones-part-3-preschool">Theory of Mind</a></li>
<li>Why do children apologise under coercion?</li>
<li>Feeling seen, heard, and valued</li>
<li>Repairing relationships</li>
<li>Why don't kids want to apologise?</li>
<li>4 components of a sincere apology</li>
</ul>
Related links: 
<ul>
<li><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/articles/should-we-force-our-children-to-say-sorry">Should we Force our Children to Say 'Sorry'</a></li>
<li><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/carrots-sticks">Carrots &amp; Sticks: How Rewards and Punishments Hurt Our Kids, and What to do Instead [Webinar]</a></li>
</ul>
Doors are now open to the <a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/membership">Happy Families Membership</a> 
NEW weekly kids’ ‘Print &amp; Play’ subscription <a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/felt-subscription">FELT</a> (Fostering Emotional Learning Together)
Find us on<a href="https://www.facebook.com/happyfamilies.au/"> Facebook</a> or <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@happyfamiliesau">TikTok</a>
Subscribe to the Happy Families <a href="https://happyfamiliesfamilyeducation.activehosted.com/f/40">newsletter</a>

The Happy Families Podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now. Every day Justin and his wife Kylie provide practical tips and a common sense approach to parenting that Mums and Dads all over the world are connecting with. Justin and Kylie have 6 daughters and they regularly share their experiences of managing a busy household filled with lots of challenges and plenty of happiness. For real and practicable advice from people who understand and appreciate the challenges of a time poor parent, listen to Justin and Kylie and help make your family happier.

The Happy Families Podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now. Every day Justin and his wife Kylie provide practical tips and a common sense approach to parenting that Mums and Dads all over the world are connecting with. Justin and Kylie have 6 daughters and they regularly share their experiences of managing a busy household filled with lots of challenges and plenty of happiness. For real and practicable advice from people who understand and appreciate the challenges of a time poor parent, listen to Justin and Kylie and help make your family happier.

The Happy families podcast with Dr. Justin Coulson is designed for the time poor parent who just wants answers now.

Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

#1043 - Forcing Kids to Apologise

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/153877e7-f3d7-4c88-8ef2-b1b700c411e4/transcript

The hardest part of parenting isn’t managing our kids. It’s facing ourselves.

This week, a heated family moment revealed something uncomfortable — our children often mirror the very behaviours we struggle with. Defensiveness. Blame. Excuses. Denial. And when we see it in them… it’s confronting.

In this honest Friday “I’ll Do Better Tomorrow” episode, we unpack emotional reactivity, accountability, and the power of repairing quickly. Plus, a Brisbane GP’s email sparks an important conversation about ADHD diagnoses, medication culture, and why more labels aren’t fixing our kids.

This one goes deep — into marriage, parenting, and the courage to own our part.

KEY POINTS:
Why kids’ behaviour can be a mirror to our own unresolved habits
The difference between ownership and blame
How defensiveness blocks connection
Why quick repair strengthens relationships
A GP’s concerns about rising ADHD diagnoses and medication culture
The parenting skill we’re rapidly losing: backing ourselves

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:
 “If we do dumb things, can we forgive each other and move on and be better as a result of it? That’s literally all that matters.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED:
Searching for Normal by Sami Timimi
Happy Families Podcast
happyfamilies.com.au

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
When conflict flares, ask: What part of this is mine?
Model ownership out loud — let your kids hear you apologise.
Separate accountability from self-blame. Own your part, not theirs.
Repair quickly. Don’t let pride extend disconnection.
Back yourself. Not every struggle needs a label or prescription.

The hardest part of parenting isn&rsquo;t managing our kids. It&rsquo;s facing ourselves.
This week, a heated family moment revealed something uncomfortable &mdash; our children often mirror the very behaviours we struggle with. Defensiveness. Blame. Excuses. Denial. And when we see it in them&hellip; it&rsquo;s confronting.
In this honest Friday &ldquo;I&rsquo;ll Do Better Tomorrow&rdquo; episode, we unpack emotional reactivity, accountability, and the power of repairing quickly. Plus, a Brisbane GP&rsquo;s email sparks an important conversation about ADHD diagnoses, medication culture, and why more labels aren&rsquo;t fixing our kids.
This one goes deep &mdash; into marriage, parenting, and the courage to own our part.
KEY POINTS:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Why kids&rsquo; behaviour can be a mirror to our own unresolved habits</li>
<li aria-level="1">The difference between ownership and blame</li>
<li aria-level="1">How defensiveness blocks connection</li>
<li aria-level="1">Why quick repair strengthens relationships</li>
<li aria-level="1">A GP&rsquo;s concerns about rising ADHD diagnoses and medication culture</li>
<li aria-level="1">The parenting skill we&rsquo;re rapidly losing: backing ourselves</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: &ldquo;If we do dumb things, can we forgive each other and move on and be better as a result of it? That&rsquo;s literally all that matters.&rdquo;
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
<ul>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.abbeys.com.au/book/searching-for-normal-a-new-approach-to-understanding-distress-and-neurodiversity-9781911717133.do?srsltid=AfmBOoraBy0LboOr3aQU0Tkfq3PUIC54xyo3pC62zUNndqTSc0Ehxk6b">Searching for Normal</a> by Sami Timimi</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/podcast">Happy Families Podcast</a></li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/podcast">happyfamilies.com.au</a></li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS:
<ol>
<li aria-level="1">When conflict flares, ask: What part of this is mine?</li>
<li aria-level="1">Model ownership out loud &mdash; let your kids hear you apologise.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Separate accountability from self-blame. Own your part, not theirs.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Repair quickly. Don&rsquo;t let pride extend disconnection.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Back yourself. Not every struggle needs a label or prescription.</li>
</ol>

Does Your Child Mirror Your Worst Habits?

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/ba25c977-fe30-4b2e-8a25-b3f3017b5272/transcript

When your child is anxious, lonely or flat… your instinct is to comfort them.

But what if the fastest way to help them feel better isn’t self-care — it’s helping someone else?

New research reveals a powerful mental health shift that happens when kids practise kindness outward instead of inward. The results are surprising — and incredibly practical for everyday family life.

In this Doctor’s Desk episode, we unpack the science behind the “kindness paradox” and show you exactly how to use it at home this week.

KEY POINTS
A study of 777 adults found helping others reduced depression, anxiety and loneliness.
Self-kindness reduced depression — but didn’t touch anxiety or loneliness.
Kindness toward others builds connection, and connection is at the core of mental health.
Feeling like you matter changes everything.
Small acts (compliments, thank you notes, cookie drops) create powerful emotional shifts.
Teaching kids outward kindness may be one of the simplest wellbeing tools available.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“The fastest way to feel better about yourself is to help someone else feel better about their life.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED
Study published in Emotion on prosocial vs self-focused kindness interventions
The concept of “mattering” in psychological wellbeing research

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
Ask at dinner: “Who did you help today?”
Plan one small act of kindness as a family this week.
Encourage compliments to strangers, teachers or friends.
Write one handwritten thank-you note together.
Repeat it next week — aim for three acts of kindness.

When your child is anxious, lonely or flat&hellip; your instinct is to comfort them.
But what if the fastest way to help them feel better isn&rsquo;t self-care &mdash; it&rsquo;s helping someone else?
New research reveals a powerful mental health shift that happens when kids practise kindness outward instead of inward. The results are surprising &mdash; and incredibly practical for everyday family life.
In this Doctor&rsquo;s Desk episode, we unpack the science behind the &ldquo;kindness paradox&rdquo; and show you exactly how to use it at home this week.
KEY POINTS
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">A study of 777 adults found helping others reduced depression, anxiety and loneliness.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Self-kindness reduced depression &mdash; but didn&rsquo;t touch anxiety or loneliness.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Kindness toward others builds connection, and connection is at the core of mental health.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Feeling like you matter changes everything.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Small acts (compliments, thank you notes, cookie drops) create powerful emotional shifts.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Teaching kids outward kindness may be one of the simplest wellbeing tools available.</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
&ldquo;The fastest way to feel better about yourself is to help someone else feel better about their life.&rdquo;
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">Study published in Emotion on prosocial vs self-focused kindness interventions</li>
<li aria-level="1">The concept of &ldquo;mattering&rdquo; in psychological wellbeing research</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ol>
<li aria-level="1">Ask at dinner: &ldquo;Who did you help today?&rdquo;</li>
<li aria-level="1">Plan one small act of kindness as a family this week.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Encourage compliments to strangers, teachers or friends.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Write one handwritten thank-you note together.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Repeat it next week &mdash; aim for three acts of kindness.</li>
</ol>

The Kindness Paradox That Changes Your Child’s Mental Health

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/ed2785f2-e1d1-4e8d-85b0-b3f3017b129e/transcript

It’s the parenting trend everyone’s talking about — and it might be doing more harm than good.

“FAFO parenting” (mess around and find out) is being framed as the antidote to gentle parenting. Tougher. Harder. No-nonsense. Let kids face the consequences and toughen up.

But here’s the problem: when parenting swings from one extreme to another, kids don’t get stronger — they get disconnected.

In this episode, Dr Justin Coulson unpacks where FAFO parenting came from, why it’s exploding across media in the UK, US and Australia, and what it reveals about our cultural moment. Most importantly, he explains why harsh, hands-off “let them learn the hard way” parenting quietly erodes the very thing children need most: security and connection.

If you’re feeling burnt out, frustrated, or tempted to go hardline — listen before you do.

KEY POINTS
FAFO parenting is a backlash against years of gentle, emotion-focused parenting influenced by thinkers like John Gottman.
Parenting trends swing like pendulums — but extremes rarely serve children well.
“Mess around and find out” often carries an implicit threat and emotional withdrawal.
There’s a difference between natural consequences and punitive, emotionally distant parenting.
Children need security, predictability, and autonomy support — not harsh detachment.
Connection builds resilience. Disconnection breeds defiance or insecurity.
You can hold firm boundaries without being cold or cruel.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

“FAFO breaks the connection. And connection is the heart of what makes families tick.”

RESOURCES MENTIONED
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child – John Gottman
Parenting ADHD Course – happyfamilies.com.au

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
Pause before you punish. Ask: Am I teaching — or reacting?
Use natural consequences wisely. Stay warm and present while holding the boundary.
Make rules collaboratively where possible. Autonomy increases buy-in.
Separate emotions from behaviour. Validate feelings, guide choices.
Protect the relationship first. Correction works best when connection is strong.

It&rsquo;s the parenting trend everyone&rsquo;s talking about &mdash; and it might be doing more harm than good.
&ldquo;FAFO parenting&rdquo; (mess around and find out) is being framed as the antidote to gentle parenting. Tougher. Harder. No-nonsense. Let kids face the consequences and toughen up.
But here&rsquo;s the problem: when parenting swings from one extreme to another, kids don&rsquo;t get stronger &mdash; they get disconnected.
In this episode, Dr Justin Coulson unpacks where FAFO parenting came from, why it&rsquo;s exploding across media in the UK, US and Australia, and what it reveals about our cultural moment. Most importantly, he explains why harsh, hands-off &ldquo;let them learn the hard way&rdquo; parenting quietly erodes the very thing children need most: security and connection.
If you&rsquo;re feeling burnt out, frustrated, or tempted to go hardline &mdash; listen before you do.
KEY POINTS
<ul>
<li aria-level="1">FAFO parenting is a backlash against years of gentle, emotion-focused parenting influenced by thinkers like John Gottman.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Parenting trends swing like pendulums &mdash; but extremes rarely serve children well.</li>
<li aria-level="1">&ldquo;Mess around and find out&rdquo; often carries an implicit threat and emotional withdrawal.</li>
<li aria-level="1">There&rsquo;s a difference between natural consequences and punitive, emotionally distant parenting.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Children need security, predictability, and autonomy support &mdash; not harsh detachment.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Connection builds resilience. Disconnection breeds defiance or insecurity.</li>
<li aria-level="1">You can hold firm boundaries without being cold or cruel.</li>
</ul>
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
&ldquo;FAFO breaks the connection. And connection is the heart of what makes families tick.&rdquo;
RESOURCES MENTIONED
<ul>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://www.gottman.com/product/raising-an-emotionally-intelligent-child-book/">Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child</a> &ndash; John Gottman</li>
<li aria-level="1"><a href="https://happyfamilies.com.au/shop/product/parenting-adhd-the-course">Parenting ADHD Course</a> &ndash; happyfamilies.com.au</li>
</ul>
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
<ol>
<li aria-level="1">Pause before you punish. Ask: Am I teaching &mdash; or reacting?</li>
<li aria-level="1">Use natural consequences wisely. Stay warm and present while holding the boundary.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Make rules collaboratively where possible. Autonomy increases buy-in.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Separate emotions from behaviour. Validate feelings, guide choices.</li>
<li aria-level="1">Protect the relationship first. Correction works best when connection is strong.</li>
</ol>

FAFO Parenting Is Breaking Your Connection

https://api.omny.fm/orgs/fa326977-3de5-4283-9b8b-af3500c58607/clips/4db679b6-6970-4bed-91b2-b3f3017ab112/transcript

#1043 - Forcing Kids to Apologise

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