Former NSW Premier Bob Carr on losing his wife Helena, and the year of grief that followed. A long, honest conversation about bereavement.

Ageing parents? You've got them. We've got you.

In 2023, Bob Carr's wife Helena died of an aneurysm in his arms in Vienna, after a night at the opera. She'd been his constant companion for more than 50 years. The former NSW Premier and Foreign Minister has written about it in his book, Bring Back Yesterday. This week Sarah Macdonald sits down with Bob for a long, honest conversation about losing a life partner. What grief actually feels like. Why it comes in waves, not stages. And what to do if you're caring for a parent who's just been widowed.

JOIN THE CLUB: Visit https://clubsandwich.community to join the tribe, access resources, and find our private Facebook community.
SEND US YOUR QUESTION: hello@clubsandwich.community

In this episode:

This Week's Hack: There's no time limit on grief. If you're caring for a widowed parent, your job is to be present. Get them talking. Listen for the stories you didn't know. Sit with the photograph albums. And pay close attention to what their partner did. The cooking. The driving. The banking. The washing machine. The second unmooring after a death is practical, not just emotional.

Listener Letter: Send this to a friend whose parent has been recently widowed, or to a friend in their own grief. No commentary needed.

Meet the regular Clubbers:
Melissa Reader. CEO of Vera and expert on Australia's ageing crisis.
Jo Lamble. Clinical psychologist specialising in guilt and family dynamics.
Dr Ginni Mansberg. GP and women's health advocate who tells it straight.
Dr Stephanie Ward. Geriatrician helping you understand when "old" becomes a crisis.
Kerry Milligan. Gogglebox star bringing humour and honesty to the sandwich generation.

Topics covered in this episode:
- The pharmacy in Vienna, and being "banished to the world of bereavement"
- Who Helena was. Her career running a security printing business. Her smile. Her quiet strength.
- The night at the opera in Vienna, and the aneurysm
- Coming home alone with her ashes, and the year Bob walked the city
- Why grief comes in waves, not stages
- The empty house. The jar of honey in the fridge. The objects without animating force.
- What Helena did. The cooking, the driving, the internet banking, the washing machine.
- A metallic taste in the soul. C.S. Lewis on grief as slight concussion.
- The patience grieving people need, and the friends who expect you to "get on with it"
- Writing the book, and C.S. Lewis's fear of "snow piling on top of her"
- The books that helped: Joan Didion, Geraldine Brooks, Julian Barnes, Gabriel García Márquez
- Recruiting friends. Filling the diary as a survival tactic.
- For anyone caring for a widowed parent. Get them talking. No time limit. The photograph albums.

Mentioned in this episode:
- Bring Back Yesterday by Bob Carr
- The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
- Memorial Days by Geraldine Brooks
- A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
- Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
- Levels of Life by Julian Barnes

Credits:
Club Sandwich is brought to you by Vera, helping families caring for ageing parents navigate this stage of life so you don't have to do it alone.

JOIN THE CLUB: Visit https://clubsandwich.community to join the tribe, access resources, and find our private Facebook community.
SEND US YOUR QUESTION: hello@clubsandwich.community

This episode is supported by Australian Unity Home Health and Care. Proactive local care that helps your parents stay independent and living well at home. Visit https://australianunity.com.au/clubsandwich.

Need more clarity at 3 AM? Vera gives you a structured 15-minute voice conversation to help you understand where your parent stands and what to do next. Discover more at https://vera.guide.

Sarah Macdonald – Host and Executive Producer.
Melissa Reader – Commissioning Editor, Executive Producer and Clubber.
Justin McArthur – Executive Producer.
Audio + video edits by P. Zinner Podcasts (https://pzinner.com.au)
Theme music 'Club Sandwich' by Sean Wayland. Hear more from Sean at https://seanwayland.com