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What can I own, not how can I help

Published Mar 25, 2025, 7:00 AM

Embrace vertical ownership to share the mental load

Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's tip is to figure out what responsibilities everyone in your household can own. Let go of the assumption that everything is your responsibility and other people should help. Instead, divvy up responsibility so everyone takes ownership of areas they will manage. Today's tip comes from Catherine's Soulman, author of the book The Four Jobs Club. I interviewed Catherine for one of the longer Before Breakfast episodes earlier this year. She offered lots of helpful insights. One tip was that we don't want our partners and kids to ask how can I help. I mean, sure, help is nice, and it is better that they ask than that they do nothing, But asking how can I help? Implies that everything is somebody else's responsibility. Instead, we want everyone in the household to be thinking what can I own? That is, what can I take responsibility for from start to finish. I've heard some people refer to this as vertical ownership. In other words, you own a task stream top to bottom. There are a lot of benefits to this approach. For one thing, it's clear that no one is responsible for everything. You are responsible for some things and other people in your household are responsible for other things. This means less time and mental bandwidth are required of you for making your household run. Vertical ownership is also more efficient if you are responsible for feeding your family, for instance, deciding what to eat, getting groceries, and cooking, then you know what you need at the grocery store. On the other hand, if it varies week to week who does the grocery shopping and cooking, or if one person cooks in another person grocery shops, there's going to be a lot more coordination required. Vertical ownership gives kids an opportunity to build skills and confidence. Even a young child who sets the table every day will learn to do so reliably before too long. A kid who's in charge of dog walking will learn, perhaps the hard way, how long your dog can go without a bathroom break. For adults, vertical ownership can mean more autonomy and less worry that someone is constantly monitoring their decisions as to how you might divvy up aspects of home life. There are a lot of experts out there you can consult, including Eve Rodsky, who developed the fair Play method and Lyndall Shiner, who takes an analytical approach, but to get you started thinking. Some possible areas for ownership include school, childcare, kid activities, kid, medical, pets, home maintenance, cleaning, laundry, yard, food, finances, extended family, and social The particular aspects of life that need ownership will vary, and there may be some areas that aren't important to you and might make other people's lists or vice versa. For instance, if you don't have a yard, you don't need to be concerned about yard work. But the point is to get shared agreement on what the household priorities are and then divvy up ownership not just who does what task, but who's responsible for what tasks. Stream If you want to lead a full life, it's not enough for others in your household to help. Everybody needs to own certain tasks and then everyone can be more efficient in getting things done. Do you use vertical ownership in your household? I'd love to know how you do it. You can reach me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. In the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening, and here's to making the most of our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast. If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, please visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

Before Breakfast

In each bite-sized, daily episode of Before Breakfast, host Laura Vanderkam shares a time management 
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