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Sorry, Folks. The LHC Didn’t Find a New Particle After All

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The last thirty years of particle physics have been a little disappointing. A scientist’s job is to prove themselves wrong, but despite their best efforts, despite recreating the conditions of the Big Bang, particle physicists just keep being correct. Aside from a few unexplained observations [1] (meddling neutrinos [2]!), the Standard Model, which describes interactions between all known particles, has exactly predicted the outcome of every experiment in the history of particle physics.
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