Whale Rider: Benevolent & Girl

[Whale song] Grab onto a barnacle for precocious pre-teens, grumpy grandpas, and worshipful whales. The person most confused by the film this week was: the beautiful schoolteacher with braces.

The Kids Are All Right: Messy & Cargo Short

Pull up to the dinner table for 2010s love triangles, skinny-scarf–clad singing solos, and family fighting. The person most confused by the film this week was: all of us, currently, who lived through the Obama years and now live in hell.

Lost in Translation: Lonely & Fax Machine

Book a flight to this episode for tiresome tourists, foreign fax machines, and unsupportive undergarments. The person most confused by the film this week was: us finding out Scarlett Johansson is 17 in this!!!

Black Widow: Sisterly & Vodka

Unwash your brain for sister assassins, parental operatives, and really red rooms. The person most confused by the film this week was: Siena but also, honestly, those pigs.

You've Got Mail: Cliché & Computer

*Dial up sound* Boot up this episode for quirky shopkeeps, nineteen-nineties nostalgia, and another inexplicably likeable sourpuss Tam Honks character. The person most confused by the film this week was: Joe Fox's family tree.

Pariah: Gay & Lesbian

*twinkle lights* Draft some prose for confusing kisses, disposable dildos, and forgiving friends. The person most confused by the film this week was: Alike's sister any time she had to be involved in any situation.

Jennifer's Body: Respectable & Tit

My...pod... Swim up for satanic singers, stupid high school sweethearts, and one starving succubus. The person most confused by the film this week was: the bar, about why it was on fire!?

Master: Haunting & A Religion

BOO! Enroll this semester for amish (?) apparitions, disdainful department heads, and frightening frat parties. The person most confused by the film this week was: Liv's mom who kept calling and speaking so slowly?

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night: Cute & Eyeliner

Meow! Sink your fangs into deadbeat dates, freaky flames, and one cute cat. The person most confused by the film this week was: the street urchin who lived by the ravine of bodies???

We Have Always Lived in the Castle: Unexplored & Meerkat

Meeeeerricaaaaat. Dig up this episode for spooky sisters, creepy cousins, and unhinged uncles. The person most confused by the film this week was: the contrite townsfolk.