Session 168: Women, Agency, & Pleasure

Published Aug 12, 2020, 7:00 AM
Dr. Lexx Brown-James is back with us this week to chat about Cardi B & Meg the Stallion's newest release, WAP. Dr. Lexx and I chatted about the stereotypes that are often invoked in commentary about Black women’s sexuality, the importance of agency in sexual liberation, how respectability politics are used to shame Black women, and how we can unpack our own shame around sexuality to encourage healthier attitudes towards sexuality for our children.

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While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session one eight of the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts. I'm sure by now you've seen and heard the newest release from Cordiba Meg called Wop. Well, of course everybody in their mama has an opinion about the song, so we had to chat about what it all means, and Dr Lex Brown James is back with us to join the conversation. Dr Lex is an Amazon best selling author of These Are My Eyes, This is My Nose, This is my vulva, These are My toes. And It's a licensed marriage and the therapist and a sex Certified Sexuality educator and supervisor. When not in therapy, she contracts with organizations regarding reprojective justice and accessible, comprehensive, intersectional and anti oppressive sexuality education. Dr Lex and I chatted about the stereotypes that are often invoked in commentary about black women's sexuality, the importance of agency and sexual liberation, how respectability politics are used to shame black women, and how we can unpack our own shame around sexuality to encourage healthier attitudes towards sexuality for our children. If anything resonates with you while enjoying this episode, please share it with us on social media using the hashtag TBG in session. Here's our conversation. Thank you, so much for joining us again today. Dr Lex, thank you for having me back. I love it here. We're always happy to have you back. I really appreciate you sliding into my d I was like, hey, can we talk about this. You have created just such the perfect platform, So tell me, like, what was your initial reaction to the visuals as well as audio? So in my chest, my reactions were my knees still got it. That's what I thought initially, like I could drop down and get back up, and I didn't fall out, nor did I die. So I was really proud of myself out of that. And it was so free. There was a nineties nostalgia. You know, I grew up in Atlanta, I grew up in College Park, so here in frank Ski on the radio was normal and regular every morning, and I was like, look at this homage, Look at this homage, and that was unexpected. And then all of the commentary and it's all based on this over sexualization of black women. And I was like, Okay, let's see where this goes. But everybody only defaulted to this over sexualization of the black woman based on this Jezebel stereotype. The Jezebel stereotype is the idea that black women typically our class figured, lighter skin and with some type of non kinky hair. I think the mulatto type woman is sexually overt and think Carmen Jones, right, So Carmen in that movie would be the idea of a Jezebel. But people forget the conversation where black women and their sexualization. They're also sexualized as Mammy's so fat, dark skinned black women who have kink your hair, who are considered not necessarily sexual, right, because they're not the Jezebel, and yet they reproduce and take care of children. They are the four mother four, but people think of as the welfare queen. They're having sex, they're producing, but they're necessarily seen as very sexual. And then there's also the sapphire and the sapphire is comes from Amos and Andy, right, and it's considered that kind of ball buster type woman who is like, oh well you can't handle me, and attitudinal and think maybe like a Claire Huxtable tight, I will tell you when we will be together in this way. And then there's the superwoman to the black superwoman, this idea that black women can make a dollar out of fifteen cents and take care of communities and their children and their partners and their job and everything holding and amazing, and they're never exhausted or tired and always have this pleasant attitude And then considered a sexual right because they're so strong and they don't even need sex, and nobody is willing to like really broach them because they don't need to have this physical pleasure or satisfaction in their lives. All of these other stereotypes and the only one that people wanted to focus on was the Jezebel And I was like, huh, well that's pigeonholing. So why do you think that is? Do you think that people aren't even aware of all of these other stereotypes. I think they're aware, but I don't think that their sexuality is as amped up. And I think that a black woman in charge of her own sexual pleasure is scary for some folks. We have a lot of shame. I was personally told as a child to call my vagina pocketbook because I'm a Southerner, and you keep your pocketbook closed and you keep it off the floor, right, those are the two things you learned. And I was like, huh, that's interesting. Why why would it ever be on the floor. But the idea that if you have this own sexual pleasure, you're some type of home, you're some type of wandtime over sexualized quote unquote not wifey material, right, And so I don't think the other ones get as much play because they are and what more acceptable. Yeah, because the sexuality, like you said, is not as over so it might be okay for those things to be happening, but everybody doesn't know about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of the commentary I saw dr Lex was around just this whole idea like is this appropriate especially right now? Right? So people it felt like we're you know, offended or really shocked, especially given everything that's happening in the world right now that we have this overly sexual you know, like women reclaiming their sexuality are claiming their sexuality in a way that feels like it might not fit with like everything going on in the world right now, right And my question is when better better to do it while we are having movements towards black liberation and freedom, right when we are having more time maybe to ourselves at home to have these conversations. When better to talk about what sexual liberation looks like. I've had giants who didn't know what the different parts of their well are were. They're calling their clearter as the third nipple, m right, or scared to say any of the words that are in what right, especially the P part. They can't say that word out loud or they whisper it very low because of the shame and the we've not supposed to talk about this, and they suffer in their sex lives. They don't say this isn't pleasurable all er, this hurts, or I really want to try doing this a different way because they don't think they're allowed to. They don't have that permission, and nobody ever gave them that permission. You know, Dr Les, one of the first time you were here, you talked about a sexual shame right, Like I know a lot of your work sensors on that. So I want to hear you talk more about like how that shame does play out, because I don't think that people necessarily recognize that what they're experiencing in their reaction to this video or other things is shame. Child look because the interwets were taught okay, and the level of respectability politics, and I've typed this a couple of times online at this point. Right, So, this idea that black women are inherently sexual and they get over sexualized, and it's it's true. There is the adultation of young black girls, and there's an adultification of black males too. You have they're sexual from puberty and they want sex, right, is a misnomer, and it is put on black bodies. Undoubtedly. This conversation and WOP are two different conversations. We're talking about being able to enjoy pleasure. So Vasal congestion big fun words because I like dropping big fun words here, right, is when the genitals are actually feeling blood. And it can happen from an allergy, it can happen from arousal. It can happen because like you just need extra bloow in that region for some reason. Canal starts to lubricate during arousal and expitement. Right, And the vaginal canal can even change colors like a lighter pink to a deeper red or a crimson or even a purple. Right, because it is saying like I'm excited for this, we can start to own that it is okay for you to have pleasure in a society that's been taught that you're not supposed to have pleasure, you're supposed to self sacrifice for goodness, and for Black women specifically, because some colonizers saw some bare breasted African women on the coast and was like, oh, they must have sex all the time because their breasts are always out, and because they felt aroused by seeing this, by seeing this natural state of being and the body in this way, they posited that on those African women. And that is the narrative that has been used to scapegoat abuse of Black women and girls throughout time. And so to fight back against that narrative, it's you have to be as prim and proper as possible, because this is the world already believes about you. M h. And what takes that and throws it out the window, saying like, why am I gonna go I'm gonna decolonize my perspective? Why do I have to believe with these people have said about me all the time? Why do I have to be this way to be respected? You know? Brianna Hold had a beautiful quote. So she just wrote a piece for Complex all about Wow, and she says black women have little to no control of how society views us with or without party. In Megan's Caleb, black women shaking their butts and describing their sex life and music is not what says black women back. It's the people who justify harm towards us because of these actions. And that sounds like what you're talking about exactly exactly, That's exactly what I'm saying, right And we see that in rape culture. Right, Well, she was wearing a short stin, she was asking for it, or she drank too much at a party, or she's had sex with this many people, so it must have meant that she wanted it now And it's like what or we think about again the dultification of young black girls. It's, oh, well, she's developed enough, her body is ready, And I'm like, that's that's not what this is. This is literally saying I can enjoy my body. I feel empowered through the pleasure of my body, and I know what pleases my body, and there's power in that and starting to recognize that power that is being owned, you know, Dr Lex That is another part of what I have been observing is people talking about, well, how is this not a continuation of the conversation of the adultification of black girls, like, what kind of message is descending to our young black girls? M Well, part of it is when you grown, you've got grown folks business, right, grown folks business at the basic level. And so growing up, I had an interesting childhood and very liberal parents. I learned about a lot about sex and sexuality, which was amazing because it helped me right. So, studies show that the more that kids learn about sexuality, so not just intercourse, not just penetration, but whole sexuality, body esteem, intimacy, consent, talking about expression of self, all of those things, the longer they will actually wait and the more likely they're going to be to use protection when they decide to engage in some type of intercourse or outer course. All that to be said. Growing up, I got to attend hen parties with my mom and my aunties, who are really my neighbors, but y'all know how that goes, right, So and their kids are my cousins and or my nieces and nephews depending on our age. And I got to go to hen parties where they would talk about, you know, being with these guys when I was a teenager and ex boyfriends and how something did work and how something didn't. And I'm like, Wow, there's a whole world in this. There's a whole world in like this power of feminine attitude and ownership that a lot of us don't get to know about. A lot of us are saying, oh, you'll find that out when you're supposed to find that out. But our mentors not aren't necessarily comfortable guiding us, and so we have to learn through pain instead of learning through wisdom. M And I'd rather folks learn through wisdom than So I wonder if you can offer some strategies to people about how that can happen, right, because I think the messaging that young women often get is just keep your legs closed, right, Like, we'll figure that out, like you said, when you're older. But who am I going to figure it out from if like nobody's talking to me about it? So what kinds of things do you think people can do to to import this wisdom? Right? So I can give an example for my own life. So I have trolling kids them a baby, Um, those are my habs. And my oldest hab is a Volba owner and said it's okay that I call her by sheet or he pronounced not say. And one day was sitting on my lap and tends to be new because she's three and that's what life is right now. So sitting on my lap and started like touching her volba and I was like, are you touching your vulva? And she says, yeah, it's nice. I'm like, it is nice. And we didn't talk about consent of you touching your robo while you were on me. I'm a little bit uncomfortable and I'd really like for you to do that in your own private space when you're by yourself, like your room, or if you want to go to the bathroom and do that, that's absolutely fine. And she was like, well, I kind of want to watch the Magic School Bus. I was like, okay, we can continue watching the Magic school Bus. And then she was like, well, let me go wash my hands again. And I was like, thank you for doing that, and went off and washed her hands again and came back and said on my lap and in touch your bulba anymore? Right, all of that says, yes, it's nice to touch your bolba is absolutely okay to touch your bolba. It is not okay to touch your volba while you were on me, right, this is not a private place to do, so please go do that in a private place or you can stop and do it later. But we're not shaming, right, And some people are like, well, my kids not three. My kid is sixteen and trying to be out here in these streets during COVID and etcetera, etcetera. It's time to talk to them about one. If they're out in the streets, if they are doing things that were they're sexually active, is it pleasurable for them? Have you taught your child how to advocate for their own pleasure and what that looks like. I've never met a parent yet who says I want my kids to have a crappy sex life. I've not yet met that parents. Right. Most parents are just like, I don't want them to have less sex life period, right, And that's absolutely okay and absolutely unrealistic. Right. If they choose that, then fine, but not just because you in it exactly exactly right. And even folks who identify as a sexual might have some type of romantic or physically pleasurable intercourse or sexual play. So it's saying, hey, have you checked in with your body and to see what feels nice, right, How do you tell somebody no, you don't want to do something, or yes, you do want to do something. We do leave that part out. We teach people how to say no all the time, we don't really teach them how to say yes around their physical empowerment and enjoyment, especially when they're adolescents. I think this goes back to your earlier statement though, and even our first conversation with you here on the podcast about sexual shame, right, because I don't know that as a parent you can have that conversation with your kids if you have not done some of the work of like releasing your own sexual shame agreed. Agreed well, And I will contend that some parents that I've seen say, I just don't want to do what my parents did to me. So you woke up and you just found a book on your bookshelf and it was like, okay, what is this about? Or they hated you a book was like come to me if you have any questions. You're like, I'm not coming to talk to you. This is strange because they were also really uncomfortable. So I've seen parents to say like I wanted I want to do differently for my child and figuring out what that looks like. And that also might be saying we have an askable adult, right, Like I'm a t T to my lying sisters kids, right, so those are my lying nieces and my lying nephews, and so I've had line nieces come to me and be like, hey, you, so what's going on? I need some help? T lex what do we do? And I am and I'm like, hey, your kid wants to have a conversation with me? Is this okay with you? So I check in with consent, not necessarily about the topic, but saying can I be that askable person and are you comfortable with that? And they're like, yes, I'm okay. And I told the same thing to the team, like, hey, I'm gonna talk to your mom to make sure it's okay you talk to me, and then we can put some boundaries around it. I love the concept of an askable adult and that we trust yeah, because it feels like, okay, even if maybe I haven't done my own work to be comfortable with this conversation, if there isn't untie or somebody who they can have this conversation within the conversation still happens exactly exactly. I've not yet met a parent that was like if I feel safe with this adult to help me parents these kids and be like nah, right. It's different if it's some random stranger that you don't know or who you're just getting to know. But if it's somebody you're super close with and you trust their opinion and you all have like values and you're like, okay, person is knowledgeable about this, I trust them. I want my kid to have help. I want my kid to have support. Then we're building those communities and so making sure you have somebody who is sex positive in your community can be integral. So when these kids see what because it's gonna happen, right, and the internet is everywhere. Kids are way more savvy and deleting cookies nowadays when we were and deleting browser history, so and so they're gonna see it and it will be like, I noticed you were interested in this, What were you interested in the MMMM? So making it a conversation as again opposed to shaming, right and say like I'm not really comfortable with you consuming this type of adult content, So we can we talk about what was interesting and maybe find like the information you were looking for yeah, and it also feels it also feels really interesting that people are reacting to this as this is the first time we have seen women clean their sexuality in a music video or in lyrics, right, Like, this comes from a long history of other female rappers and women in music who have done similar kinds of things. So why do you think the reaction has been so strong? Well, so, I think this is the first time it's been so in your face. Right. I will tell you I got my life from that fountain and the entry video. The fountain was rather cool as our breastfeeding mom like exactly, thank you. Dr Joy told my other sexologist friends we were fighting when we scrapping because I hadn't seen it and they had started conversations. And you know, I have little ones. I don't always get a chance to look at things up to date. So let me go look at this video. And I saw that fountain, and I was like, is that from their nimbles? It is? And none of them saw the breastfeeding or the nursing chesticles that I saw. They were like, I saw the hair, and I saw the pose, and I thought about little Kim, and I was like, but you ain't see this nursing parent who oftentimes feels touched out or maybe unwanted or uncertain about their bodies. And it's a celebration of yes, you can bust them wide open and still be a nursing parent and take advantage of those full and gorge boobs why they're sitting up right, and enjoy some of that sexual play too. So yes, thank you Dr Joy for confirming that for me, like the only one, I was like, all right, I got you all, that's okay. Yeah, And it definitely has felt like the glass has felt different. And I'm trying to remember like the last video we had that might have like given us the same kind of reaction. I don't wasn't well, I don't remember. I'm not the person for music and art because I remember tweet and I remember that I was not old enough to be singing about tweets when when my neck in my back was out. Yeah, but I'm just remembering, you know, growing up seeing freakingnack and here in Trina and here in low Cam and Foxy Brown and and seeing those things right, and seeing those same things and here in the same terms, and people have sung about sex as the beginning of time, right, like our mothers and grandmothers, like they all had similar content in terms of lyric. Now, it may not have been as descriptive or like as pointed, but everybody has been singing about sex for a very long time, for a very long time, right, And and that's the other part of that. It is liberating to be like I can just say this out loud. And that's part of our sex therapy model, right, first step in our sex every model is permission giving. Right, it's saying I give you permission to talk about these things. I give you permission to save them out loud. I typically take that a step further and use it also for consent, like do you have need permission to talk about this with you? And ensuring that that conversation is safe for everybody in the room, and also giving people permission to pass, like if it's too uncomfortable, we don't have to talk about it. But we don't see black women wrappers get held up in the same light when we see black male rappers talking about the same thing. Right, the black male rappers have talked about sex and how many people they want to run through, and how they like their sex and how they want a sex kitten in a video fixing and how they hit it from behind, etcetera, etcetera, and don't get the same scrutiny. They don't get the same scrutiny. And yet when a woman talks about her own body part and how it functions, she's now all of a sudden the home and uncouth. Right, the discrepancy feels very joyring to me. Right, like when male rappers release the same kinds of songs. There is very little to know criticism of these kinds of things, but it feels like people really are reacting to the fact that these women have demonstrated their agency to talk about what brings them pleasure, and that it's okay for us to talk about these things as women because we don't hear about the black book, which is a male sexual stereotype for black men. Right, that he always wants sex, that his appetite is instatiable, that he has a super large, superhuman penis and is able to just have as much sex as he wants for as long as he wants. Right, and even saying those things out loud, quote unquote, They're not supposed to be horrible for men, right. Men are supposed to function like that when we think about toxic masculinity, anything outside of that narrative is supposed to be non masculine. And it's that embracing of this hyper masculinity and it's toxic masculinity that I also think reflects back on like wait, what you're trying to be in power sexually? Na, Now I'm not cool with that because now it feels threatening. So it's I want to sex kitten. And I think I put this in a meme. I want a sex kitten. I want somebody who's gonna do sex tricks and women are like, wow, I'm putting on you, and then dudes are like no, not like that. You are house? How good? How does it come together? I do want to hear more about that than your thoughts about that, Like if people are just not recognizing how contradictory those messages are, right, like that, it's okay for you to do all these things if I say that you do them, or if I encourage you to do them, but if you initiate it, then it's a problem. And I think that comes from that power piece, right, It's I have power over you, or I have influence over your I can own part of this narrative. Well, I'm the one who made her that way, right. T Paine says, Now, she liked pain, right because he taught her how to do it. And so there's a prowess there that adds to that ego. But it's not necessarily there's to own. It's the own individual persons to own. And I think we get that in sexuality. In my own study, black women um having sex, and this was about fantasies, but most of the black women in that study believed that during sex there was a power exchange. There's an exchange of power during that intimacy. And this is that two and fifty women just about So there was an exchange of power that happened during this sexual exchange and intercourse and they believe that. And so if they believe that, right and there with another person who believes that, then it's yeah, now I have some type of power. Now I'm part of your narrative. Now I'm part of your story, and you are because of me. M So we know that when women become more liberated, that least to liberation for every body. So it does feel like people are working against their best interests in working against women being more sexually liberated. Yes, that sexual liberation of saying I'm owning my body, I'm owning my pleasure and I am wet for this, and you'd be like, no, I don't want that. That may sounds so ridiculous, It sounds so ridiculous, But how do you think that then maybe does help men to even feel more comfortable with their own liberation. I think it also gives remember that permission piece I was talking about, It gives them permission to to say, I don't have the mind read. Do you like this? Do you like that? I'm gonna try this? Right, it's this this kind of figuring out of this really neat, beautiful puzzle and taxing. And one thing, if you're a woman who is sleeping with men, the penis doesn't like pressure. It does not like pressure. It's something that's just like it was really hard and stress really do affect penile performance. So tell me what you like, show me what you like, and auzzle. Typically they gets arousal. So the sounds, what noise, the what what was the song? The macaronian cheese sound? Right, those things that say I'm ready for you and want you can be such a turn on that it could be get more arousal and saying like, oh, I know exactly how to please this person. I know exactly what this vaginal canal. Once I know exactly what this clearest ones, I know exactly what whatever these nipples, these toes, this elbow, the back of the neck, whatever it is, I know what it wants. And that helps my own sexual self esteem. And so you can give that gift through your own self exploration to your lover. You can give that gift of enhancing their sexual self esteem because they listen to exactly what you needed. We're able to help you facilitate pleasure. So what do you think we can start to kind of break down on some of that Dr Lix, like, how can we help people to to kind of get out of that contradiction? So I think one is starting with some of these conversations, right, So listening to this podcast, listening to sex positive folks, hearing out all sorts of perspectives, right, because again, we live in America, so most of our perspectives come from America, but looking outside of ourselves. I have a book called Like the African Reader about sexuality from various parts of Africa that helped me, like oh look, other people have sung and talked about hyman's and vaginas. Look at that, and there's power in that. So starting to explore some of our understandings, the other one pleasure activism and the great book, and then the Body is Not an Apology is a great book because we do have to externalize, like, hey, this is how you've been taught to see yourself. What do you actually believe about yourself and the skin that you're in and the body that you have that's outside of everybody else's opinions and constraints. Then you start to explore your pleasure. Do you actually like when your lover snacks your butt like that or is it fun for them? Do you want to be I don't know, choked, or do you want your toe sucked? Or do you want the back of your knee licked at the right place, I don't know, whatever it is, explore for yourself what really feels good for you, and then being able to voice some of that which has statistically been found better to happen in I would say perimenoposel and post menopole women. So there's dr joy, a level of cares that you no longer give right after a certain point, you're able to verbalize like coinfidence, I don't like that, do it this way, And there's some relief in also not being fearful of like getting pregnant, things like that. But there is a level that comes with comfortability with your body at that point. For a lot of women identify folks before that, so before your mid to late forties, folks, Babe, I really don't like that. Can we try in a different way? Or it really turns me on when I'm really into if please keep doing that? It feels so good, right, So, having some of that scripted language to encourage and also center your own pleasure during this time. It is not your lover's job to give you pleasure. It's your job to help your lover facilitate pleasure for yourself and vice versa. You know, dor Lex listening to you talk about their study that talks about like post menoposal. It feels like a part of what Bob does is give people a language for like censoring their own pleasure that you can start asking for that even earlier in your life. Please please ask for that even earlier in your life. Yes, yes, it can be celebratory to write not something that's just so hidden in so away. And when we're talking about what, I also want to just plug that it doesn't matter how you get a what. Right. So, if it is a natural occurring lubrication, if it is an added lubrication that is water based or silicon based, do not use silicon based. If you're going to use a silicon toy, right, enjoy that. People who are nursing, you need to automatically add a lubricant. It does not make you any less than if you're using a lubricant. It just makes everything feel better. And I can say I had a over seventy five year old client who said that they had great lubrication and yet they still had some burning when there was some digital penetration. And I was like, that means there's not a lot of lubrication. You need more about that, and she was like oh, And so I sent them some some lubricant samples and I got a call all back from the partner and from the client and they were like, hey, can we buy more of this front And I was like, I'm happy to see to this website to get more of it. Eight. So it's that permission started off younger and for my own kids about both my kids are bolba owners and I want to have pleasure with their bodies again learning through wisdom and not through pain. So I want to make sure like, hey, you know what, if it doesn't feel good, you say stop, or I want you to be careful with your own body. So this is why you wash your hands before you touch your boba's and we don't stick like random things in our boba's. Right, all of this type of stuff are important to talk about what feels good in our bodies. And this pleasure doesn't necessarily always have to be sexual either. As as Bob is right, there's also pleasure from that empowerment. I can be on top and I can own this and say I'm gonna say my own name right because I own this, and I'm a spell it for you because I'm that good, and that can be empowering and uplifting as well. Yeah, you know the other thing that I think you know it's important to think about in terms of this conversation, Dr Lex, is that it feels like women feeling empowered about their sexuality doesn't really just stop like in the bedroom, because it feels like there is this part of like specifically with Meg right. You know, we know that she was recently shot, and there was of course again conversation about like how people were not taking it seriously and like all the jokes and memes about it. And it feels like a part of why it was not taking this seriously is because she is so sexy, right, so she is not seeing as this like helpless woman, you know, that kind of thing, and so it feels like there is like a convulsion of those worlds and that her sexuality has also made her view people as somebody, um that it was okay to like joke about her being harmed. Mh. So those are those respectability politics coming in again. Right, You're not worthy of decent human empathy from somebody harming you, right, So this was violent, right, And she's lucky she survived because if it would have been anywhere else in her body, or if she would have been majorly injured, then everybody would be like, oh my gosh, r I p right and playing albums and dedication songs. And we have to realize that happens to real folks in everyday life all the time, all the time. And then specifically, I will definitely say specifically for black trans women too. They are killed for existing because it challenges this power dynamic that men find it threatening. So men find their attraction threatening. And it's similar here saying that oh, you're too sexy or you're too much, and that threatens this idea of my masculinity because now I'm not the sexually dominant one. That's really problematic and really scary that people would be like, oh, this is so money. And I saw something about that, like the no I read about it, the meme from Boys in the Hood, orme from What's the show where the reesk got shot in a big tale that Harlem nights there we go, right, so it's funny and beyonest, I got bit in the face by another woman and everybody want to be an uproar m. And I was like, there, there is no difference, Like a human is a human right and she's just still deserves the same respect whether she's busting it open or not. You know. The other thing that I thought was really cool about the video was that they brought other women in, right, So it also felt like this like celebration, like this sisterhood of sexuality right, like that we are not only going to talk about our own, but we're gonna also invite other people to talk about theirs, or at least share a piece of theirs. Yes, yes, I did that. I love that it can be again and there's no shame in our game. And we're not the only ones. Look at all of us. All of us have some form of sex scene that's our own that we can all own. And I think that it was so empowering. It reminded me of what was that song, Ladies Night, Ladies Night, yea, all these cameos the party to like, I don't want to know what the mansion now. I have no idea what my room will look like, but it can't be that cheetah room but that one, right, And so I was like, this is so cool. Everybody had their own space and I think that was metaphor you all have your own space the create exactly who you want to be. M hmmm. And then one person sexuality doesn't hand to like compromise or be in competition with yours exactly because it's abundant. Yeah, we're coming from abundance. Her level of sexy doesn't take away from your level of sexy, right right, what she does, And I think we've been taught that, right, what's that saying? Anything you won't do another woman will yes to hang on to some trifling person. Just why why do you want him? If he wants her sex? And maybe I'm open to it, and like he can have her sex and he can have my sex, or she can go have his sex. Like whatever we're not from, we're not from scarcely, We're from abundance. This person isn't a threat to you. And if you all decide like these are your boundaries that you're not with other people, maybe you can learn something new that you might enjoy, or you all can figure that out together. But whatever one person does doesn't take away from your own because everybody has their own light. Yeah, So that Alex, I knew that you were gonna be up on this video because this is kind of in line with you know, what you do and how you work with clients, right, And I think that that's an important part of the conversation too. It's just as therapists, how like this kind of information can be helpful with our clients. So I know you have already started using this in your clinical work, right, I have I have I have a client who is just so empowered and who like listened to Foxy round and look him and loved it and then had never seen of the video bring sack nostileg thats with honey Berry and the fact that Baps were We're not necessarily about these respectability politics and adopting all of them. It was We're gonna be who we are and that's good enough for whatever socio economic class we're in and whatever world we're in. And I was like, you gotta go watch Bats talking about some self acceptance and that was her homework. I was like, go watch Bats. You love this video. I need you to have some context. Go watch Bass and Baps was about these two black chicks from the hood. All they wanted to do was like one wanted to be a dancer and a heavy d video and that was her life goal. And they left the men that they were with for not feeling accepted and encouraged and a whole bunch of other stuff. If you haven't gotten to see Bas, go watch Bats, y'all, simon for this week. I don't know what I'm in fun. It's probably on like a Who Do or Netflix something that would It's probably on YouTube at the point at the very good point, but yeah, just learning more and again it's all about that self acceptance. I think that really is key of giving yourself permission to exist, to breathe without the spear of this biblical Jezebel, without the fear of being rejected based on your sexuality, because if a person rejects you, then that's not the person for you. It's not the person you're meant to be with. You know. Something else that has really heartened me just kind of following like the Twitter threads, is that it feels like so both Halle Berry and Viola Davis were like photoshopts into different parts of the video and they both have like retweeted they're like photo shops, stop it, I love it, which which feels really empowering to me. I think in that it is you know, like this older generation of women kind of like saying like yes, we like co signed right, so we are all still rejecting these respectability politics that you know, like we can't also be sexy, yes exactly, And especially for Viola Davis, right, being a darker skinned in with kiki hair, and like Viola Davis's arms are amazing and a muscular build right, yes, yes, yeah, I could definitely be in this video and only not. I appreciate that very very hardening. I really appreciated her sharing her you know, like nonverbal co signing so to speak with the video. Yeah, so, Dr Lex, tell people where they can find you. I know you were recently here, but maybe people miss your last episode. We will of course include both of your previous appearances in the show notes, but tell people where they can find you. You can find me at lex Eli double x sex s e X dot d oc dot com and you can subscribe to my website for all of the following updates. You can check out the new upcoming conflict resolution Couples of course I have for the spark of virtual Brunch and you'll get some one on one time with me about ninety minutes with to talk about resolving conflict, showing up how you really are. I know we're all trying to be together as much as we can in the most positive ways right now, and that's what that course really does. And then Unlex sexed off across all social media platforms, so that's Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Perfect and we'll add that to the show notes as well. Thank you so much like thank You. I'm so glad Dr Lex was able to join us again this week. To learn more about her practice, upcoming workshop, or to grab a copy of her book, check out the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session one. Don't forget to share your takeaways with us on social media using the hashtag tv G in session, and please text two sisters in your circle right now and encourage them to check out the episode as well. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be sure to check out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And if you want to continue digging into this topic and connect with some other sisters in your area, come on over and join us in the Yellow College Collective, where we take a deeper dive into the topics from the podcast and just about everything else. You can join us at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C. Don't forget that. If you're looking for a way to end summer on a high note, Cricket Wireless has got just the thing. Get ready for unlimited smiles, unlimited times. For give four lines of unlimited data for a hundred dollars a month. Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take it care, dint Candy the back Woods Wood

Therapy for Black Girls

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a license 
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