Why Am I Grieving Someone I Didn't Know?

Published Apr 10, 2019, 7:00 AM
In this week's episode I'm sharing my thoughts about the intense level of grief many seem to be experiencing following the death of Nipsey Hussle and the factors that may lead us to grieve someone even though we didn't personally know them. I also answered listener questions about dealing with a breakup when kids are involved and how to get experience as a therapist when you've been out of the field for a while. 

Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.com

M h. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session one oh two of a Therapy for Black Girls podcast. For the past week or so, many people have been feeling significant grief over the death of Nipsey Hustle, who was a California entrepreneur and rapper, and more than experiencing grief over his death, many of you have also expressed confusion as to why you're experiencing grief so deeply for someone you didn't know. So I wanted to share a few thoughts about what may be happening for you and share some tips on how to process it. But before we jump into this I want to issue a quick thank you to our sponsor for this episode. This week's episode is sponsored by natural Sious. Natural Sious is the world's first vegan, high performance hair caroline that delivers the results of twelve products and only three. It's designed to reduce time spent on hair care and just proven to save up to eighty percent of time on wash day. Natural Sious was founded by innovator Gwen Jamir, who is the first and only African American woman to hold a patent on a natural hair care product. These products are great specifically for busy women with curly and coily hair also known as foresea hair, and they are all natural. There are sulfate, parabin mineral oil, petroleum, gluten, and cruelty free. I've been using the products where the three step system on my hair for the past two months and I am officially sold. I recently had my hair trimmed and did another twist out on my hair using the products this weekend, and once again, my hair detangled easily, feels incredibly moisturized, and is super shiny. We are talking epic lushness here. The first step in the process is a Moroccan Russell five and one Clay treatment that is your shampoo conditioner, deep conditioner, and detangler all in one. Step two is a moist to rising cream you can use the style your hair, and Step three is the Divine Shine moisture lock and Friz Fighter. These products all work beautifully together and take far less time for me to do my hair than any process I've ever used. They are a complete lifesaver. So if you want to cut down on the amount of products you use and get some time back in your busy schedule, then I would definitely recommend you try them. You can find the Naturalisious Products and over twelve d Sally stores nationwide, or you can buy them online at save Time on washday dot com and just for y'all, because I know many of you have already purchased them or have been considering it, we have a ten percent off promo code so you can go ahead and get your life together with these products. To use the promo code, go to Save Time on wash day dot com and enter the code joy j o y at checkout to get ten percent off. Now let's get back to our episode. So, as I mentioned, I wanted to share a few of my thoughts about why I think so many people are grieving so intensely after Nipsey Hustle's death, and how you can take care of yourself if this is you. So. In psychology, there's something called the just world hypothesis, and it basically refers to many of us holding the belief that what we put into the world is what we will get out of it. It's our belief that those who do good will receive good, and those who do wrong in the world will have wrong none to them. By all accounts, Nipsey Hustle was doing great things in his community, hiring people whom others might not, encouraging kids to be active in their education, and even his final deed, it seems, was in the service of a friend. So when we think about someone putting out good in the world, all of these things are definitely things that fit the bill. So for him to be brutally murdered in the way he was shakes up our belief in this system, and it exposes us to the fact that this may not always be true. It makes us feel more vulnerable, and it causes us to consider that if something like this could happen to him, it could happen to me as well, which of course is a very uncomfortable thought to sit with. It forces us to face our own mortality and the idea that no matter how much we try to control, ultimately, there are some things that are out of our power. Another reason I think that many are feeling so impacted by this loss is the communal grieving that is taking place across social media. For more than a week now, there have been countless photos, videos, and story shared from people who knew him well and those who didn't. But that kind of shared experienced and shared meaning making has a tendency to heighten any emotions that are already present, much like a concert is impactful in large part because of the energy you're receiving from the other people who are in intendance. Having so many people come together to publicly grieve transmits a similar energy that heightens the feelings of sadness that many people are feeling. And a third and final reason why your experience of grief may be feeling more intense than you'd expect right now is because his murder was captured on tape that has been shared across the Internet for the past week. So if you watch the video, then you may be having difficulties shaking the images from your mind, and you may find yourself seeing flashes of the video playing randomly in your head. And even if you didn't watch the video but have read descriptions about what was contained, it's very possible that your mind created its own image that's continuing to stick around with you. You may have heard me say this before, but i'll say it again. Our visual memories are incredibly powerful, and our psyches are really not set up to be able to process and understand the level of route reality that are often seen in these videos, and the images tend to stay with us and they can result in distress. So you've heard me say it before, but please make sure that you are turning off the notifications and the automatic play of videos on your phone through these social media apps, because sometimes you will run across these videos and not even know what it is, and then it may be too late. So if you're someone who's been feeling pretty intense grief this week, one know that it's okay to feel however you're feeling. Many times, things like this feel deeply because it touches on other wounds that you didn't even know we're there, or that you haven't healed as nicely as you thought, so perhaps do some reflecting or some journaling to help uncover what this touch for you. And two, pay attention to the trajectory of your feelings. It's not uncommon to still be feeling pretty intense right now, but if in two or three weeks you're still feeling as intense or even more in tensely, and you've noticed disruptions to other parts of your life like your sleep, eating, or socializing, then it may be helpful for you to talk with the therapist about how you're feeling to see if you can get some help in processing and unpacking more about what's going on for you. So, y'all, let me know what you think. Does any of this information help you make sense of what you've been feeling? Share your thoughts with me on social media using the hashtag tv G in session. Now let's dive into some of our on the Porch questions for this week. If you have a question you'd like me to give you some feedback about, send it to me at podcast at Therapy for Black Girls dot com and I just might choose it to be answered on the podcast. So question number one I got a follow up question after session where I shared tips for taking care of yourself after a breakup, and the listener asked, how do you deal with a breakup when children are involved? So, in addition to of the information that I shared in that episode, and if you haven't listened to that when you can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash session UM, but I would also add that when children are involved, there are definitely a few things that need to be considered. So number one, you want to be honest with them and share the news about the breakup in whatever way is developmentally and age appropriate. Now, you don't need to share all the details, but be honest and that the relationship is over and that they are not at all responsible for the breakup. So sometimes kids, especially young ones, will make up all kinds of stories about why things happen, and they may think that the split was about them, So you want to assure them that it is not, and that even though you two are no longer together, you still love them very much. Tip number two, you want to be very careful not to make the kids upon in the breakup, so don't prevent them from seeing their other parents because you're upset with them, and don't use them as a means for staying connected beyond what is necessary. So sometimes, of course, you know, there are still feelings after a breakup, and sometimes we can get caught up in, you know, saying that you need to talk about the kids, when really you don't need to talk about the kids, but you just want to hear this person's voice or stay connected in some way, and you want to be careful not to do that if you can. Tip number three, do not talk poorly about their other parents in front of them, no matter how heated you may be. It can be very damaging for kids to hear disparaging comments about their other parents from you, and it can under my parenting for both you and the other parents. So please try to avoid that at all costs. Good luck, and I hope that that helps question number two. After I received my master's degree in two thousand and eight, I've worked in the field for less than a few months. Since then, I've been unable to secure work in counseling due to not having enough experience. Fast forward to today, eleven years later, and I have finally secured a position with a counseling agency and just sent off my licensure paperwork to gain supervision hours. I have a bit of apprehension, however, I hope you can let me know what tools to look into to further prepare myself for seeing clients. I've been listening to podcasts for beginning therapists, reading books such as The Body Keeps The Score and The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, to name a few. Do I invest in other books, become a member of counseling and psychology associations. I want to be prepared, but not overwhelmed. Please help. Thank you for any advice or tools you can share. So congrats on getting back out there. I'm sure it must feel great to finally be working in the field you've been pursuing for some time now. The books you mentioned are great, and I definitely think that keeping up with reading is a good idea. But honestly, in terms of growing as a therapist, there's really nothing like getting real world experience and solid supervision. So it sounds like you may be getting some supervision from someone on site at your new position, but if you can, I would also opt to have outside supervision offered by a great therapist in your area. If possible. You may even want to see if there's someone who'll be willing to let you shadow them while they're doing clinical work so that you can get even more experience in seeing what therapy looks like for different clinicians. Another thing I would suggest is that if there's anyone running groups in your area, particularly process groups, because those are the ones I love, see if you can serve as a co leader or a process observer so that you can get the experience of seeing how dynamics play out in a group setting. I think immersing yourself in as many experiences as you can along with reading, would be a great way to start. So thanks for your question and good luck. Remember that if you have any questions that you want my feedback about, you can send them to me at podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls dot com and I just might answer it on the air. That's all I got this week, y'all. Don't forget that if you're looking for a therapist in your area, check out our directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory, and remember to visit our online store at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop, where you can grab a T shirt sweatshirt, a copy of our Breakup Journal or our Guided Affirmation. And if you love what you hear on the podcast and you really want to put it into practice and discuss these things with other sisters who love the podcast, join us over in the Yellow Couch Collective and you can find more information about that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C. And don't forget to show some support for our sponsor for this episode, natural Issious. It's the world's first vegan high performance hair caroline that delivers the results of twelve products and only three. You can find the products and over twelve d Sally stores nationwide, or you can shop online at save Time on wash day dot com. Don't forget to use our promo code joy j o Y to save to him. We're saying off your order. Thank y'all so much again for joining me this week. I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take a care

Therapy for Black Girls

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a license 
Social links
Follow podcast
Recent clips
Browse 473 clip(s)