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Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for Session seventy seven of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Today we're going to be talking all about the truth about self care. But before we dive into that conversation, I want to show are a few announcements. First, I want to correct a mistake I made in session seventy four that was all about body image and black women athletes. I mistakenly said that Natalie Grieves, who was our guest expert for that episode, was in Michigan. But she's actually in Chicago, So if you're looking to connect with her in her practice, she's definitely in Chicago. You can find all of her information in the show notes for that episode at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash session. Secondly, my birthday is next week yea, and as a true Libra, of course, I am celebrating all month long. To help me celebrate, I'd love for you to participate in the thirty one Days of Affirmations campaign that I have partnered with the think Up App to host. Each day, we're sharing a new affirmation across our social media platforms that you can add to your think up playlist. At the end of the month, if you'd like to make a short video about how adding affirmations to your routines has been helpful, you can be entered to win a premium version of the think Up App and a copy of The Self Care Affirmation Journal, which is the new book from our featured guest for today. To read more about the challenge, head on over to Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Affirmations and join us for today's conversation. I'm joined by Maria Davis Pierre. Maria is a licensed therapist, coach, speaker, and advocate in Florida. She is also the founder of Autism in Black which aims to provide support to black parents who have a child on the spectrum through educational and advocacy services. Maria and I chatted all about what self care actually is, how self care has been commercialized, why it's so important for us to practice self care as black women, and of course, she shared her favorite resources to help you develop your own self care plan. Please share your thoughts about the episode as you're listening with us all on social media using the hashtag tv G in Session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for joining us today, Maria, Thank you for having me. Yes, I'm excited to chat with you because I know self care is like the buzzword now right, like everybody has a list about self care, self care boxes, like you can find self care stuff all over the police. But I did want to make sure that we had a conversation about self care that's really kind of grounded in what we do as therapists, because I do feel like in some ways we've kind of gotten away from what self care really is. Um, so so let's start there. Then, How would you describe self care for me? And what I described to my clients as self care being is more of mental health, mental wellness. Sometimes when we are seeing all those lists and you know, buzzwords about self care, people are automatically thinking of, oh, I need a seven day trip to Jamaica, I need to be at the spa and things like that, when self care is more about taking care of your mental health and mental wellness. So it could be something as simple as, um, sitting in your car for ten minutes before going in your home and disconnecting from work and now getting ready for your natural of being you know, wife, mom and whatever. Okay, so really you know, and I kind of think about it that way to like what kinds of things do you need to do to recharge yourself? Yes? Yeah, yeah? So what are some examples of things maybe you work with your clients on, like how to help them establish self care practices. One, we look at self esteem. You know where they at with their self esteem, So we do self esteem exercises. Uh, you know, things that you know trigger them to have anxiety depression, things like that. We look at those triggers and then we come up with a plan of how to address those triggers because you know, a lot of times we can't get away from things that trigger us. So we set up a plan on how to address it, so that way, when we feel those feelings of anxiety and depression or frustration, we can go back to our plan and deal with it. And that way, you know, we're setting up variation for good and mental health mental wellness. And I think it's important really, you know, kind of just giving everything that's going on in the country and everything we see on the news, like just kind of in these things to kind of trigger us and you know, just really incredibly stimulating. So what kinds of things maybe have you worked with clients around that? I mean, because you know that's something that there's no way for you to anticipate, like what's going to be going on in the news, right, So what kinds of self care practices can we establish around some of that stuff. So I live in South Florida and I actually live in the area where the Parkland shooting happened, and um, a lot of my clients then, you know, because one of my practices deals especially with black parents who have an autistic child. So they then had a lot of worry and concern on how is my child going to kind of have a plan when if something like this happens at their school because now it's happening in our backyard. Of course, it was all over the news, and you know, we're seeing it and it's kind of retraumatizing us as we're seeing it, and you know, people who aren't even they're kind of getting a secondary PTSD from it. So you know, what we had to do was set up boundaries, you know, set up boundaries as if if this is a trigger for you, what do you need to do to you know, get back to your grounded you know, how do you implement boundaries around the news and things that we can't get away from. How do you go at to revert back to those coping skills that we talked about. You know, we cannot control every single thing, and although we might want to, especially when it comes to our children, you know, we just can't. So you know, getting back to realistic thought patterns is something that we work on because of course, you know, we can't even anticipate when something is like this is going to happen, so you know, knowing that it is out of our control, but the things that are in our control, like preparing our children and setting a plan with them and having that plan in places things that can help you that's very important. Yeah. I mean, so having that kind of local context for you know, like a real life example of things happening in your neighborhood that directly impacted a lot of your clients. Yes, yes, And I do think that that kind of thing is on a lot of people's minds, right, I mean you kind of continue to see these things happening, uh, in our schools and things, you know, like I think there that has raised a lot of people's anxiety about um, their own anxiety and even their children's right and like going to school. A lot of the um, the actual the children were like you know, um, I don't want to go to school because I don't want to get shot. And how do you even go about having those type of conversations with your child? I mean I'm I'm a therapist, and that you know, shook me for a minute. Like, Okay, now we have to you know, deal with this. You know, what are our answers going to be for this? How do we you know, not set them up to feel like you know, it's never gonna happen, but give them a realistic explanation of what to do if it does happen, right, Right, So you know, I think for black parents, you know, this is like one more talk now that we have the head, but the children, right which you know, incredibly exhausting sometimes it really does. And you know, um, you know, like I said, I work with black parents who have an artistic child. So another thing that we talk about and prepare for is if our child is faced with, you know, being in for of a police officer, because we know that they're not going to be able to respond the way that they should as society sees it, you know, in those situations. So one of the things as an autism parent myself and when working with my family's, one of our main concerns is, you know, we don't want our kids to get shot, you know, as black parents, how how are we going to to navigate this? How do we you know, look out for our child who can't even express themselves. So this is the kind of things that we have to address, you know, when I'm working with the clients on you know, how do we prepare ourselves for this, prepare our children for this, and still focus on our our you know, self care and mental health because worrying about seven, you know, can get to the point where you're then dealing with the anxiety and the depression and things like that. Right, right, So I've seen and maybe you have seen this meme to Maria kind of going around that talks about you know, self care isn't just like spas and bubble bass, but it's also you know, getting rid of toxic people in your life and all of these other things. So can you talk more about what self care looks like. Maybe in the context of relationships, Yes, the most important would be boundary setting. As I discussed knowing your core values and setting boundaries with people in your life. And when we talk about relationships, you know, we're talking relationships in general, so even husband, you know, parents, you know, cousins, whatever. So when my child was diagnosed with autism, a lot of my family didn't really know how to respond. So they would be like, you know, we'll pray about it, or we don't really know how to treat her, or you know, things like that. So I had to set a boundary with them, letting them know, Okay, this is the expectations we have. These are how we expect you to treat our child and how we expect you to interact with us from here on. And if you cannot do those things, then our boundary is we can't be around each other. So setting the boundaries so I don't have to then deal with you know, them treating us differently and things like that, which can lead to you know, a multitude of feelings. So setting boundaries like that communication, you know, having open dialogues, and not holding stuff in to the point where you you blow up like a crop, not a croc pot, but what do you call those things? A pressure cooker? So you know, you're stuffing everything in and it's the heat is going on and you're not addressing something, and then something as small as you didn't put the toilet seat down. Now I'm yelling at you and talking about things you did you know two weeks ago in the person's life. I didn't even know you were upset about that. So things like that, you know, addressing things as they come up, setting the boundaries. I think that's a great example, Horrior, because I think a lot of times when people hear boundary setting, they get really nervous because they think that that's going especially people who we are not necessarily comfortable with, like confrontation and conflict um but they think that it's going to cause a rupture in the relationship. But what you just said is something that actually would help to maintain the integrity of the relationship because you said, Okay, this is so that we can continue to be in each other's lives, Like, this is my boundary for how you will treat our daughter, and so because you want to continue being in our lives, this is the boundary I'm setting, as opposed to um, you know, like not letting it go unchecked and then you just fall off the face of the earth and nobody knows what happened, and like what how they violated you and something exactly exactly. And I think it's important to know that. You know, when you're setting boundaries, you're setting them up for yourself, for your own mental health. You're not setting them up for the other people. It's for you. And they have to be realistic boundaries because if somebody violates that boundary, you know, you have to be able to follow up with the consequence of that boundary. So if you're not able to do so, then they're just not gonna respect the boundaries because you you're not able to follow up with a realistic consequence. Very good point. So I think a lot of times when we have the conversation about self care with black women, UM, you will sometimes here like, oh, I don't have time for self care, Like I'm too busy doing all of these other things, right, which of course is the reason why you need to have self care. But a lot of people, you know, there is some reality to that. You know, people who are working really long shifts and you know, maybe overnight shifts and those kinds of things, like the schedule just may not be flexible for them to kind of build in times. So what kind of suggestions would you give for people who you know really may not have the time to kind of do some of this reflection and um things that we've talked about. Um, what I say, it's to start with five, ten, twenty thirty minutes for yourself a day. It could be while you're taking a shower, just reconnecting with yourself. You know, you can spend a little extra time in the bathroom, you know, take a nap, you know, things like that. You know, like I said, disconnecting in the car before you enter your home. Little things like that. It's it's self care, you know, I Like I said, we think about the grand scheme of things, but we can think about the little steps that lead to the big foundation of you know, the overall self care. So what little things can you do for yourself daily that's for you and that's for your mental wealth. Yeah, I think the shower is a good example, right because I think a lot of times we are just going through the day, like trying to check things off of our lists, as opposed to really taking some time to be intentional about you know, like paying attention to with the water feels like on your body, and you know, really using some of that time that you have to do anyway, like we have to take a shower, you know, clean ourselves in some way, and so using that time to also be multipurpose in terms of giving us some self care as well, exactly, you know the shower. Be more purposeful with your eating, you know, sit there and actually in joy it. I know as a mom, you know a lot of times I'm just you know, eating on the go or trying to you know, eat whatever the kids have left over. But sometimes I have to be real intentional and purposeful with my eating to know, okay, you know, let me sit down and enjoy my meal. Let me have my meal while it's hot. Things like that is is self care as well. Mmmmm yeah, that's that's a really good woman, Maria. I mean, and I'm a mom too, and so you know, I do know that it feels like there's always something to do for the kids, right like, Okay, we gotta do this, then we got soccer practice, then we gotta do bads and homework and you know all this. So so I do think it's really hard sometimes to try to figure out, um, you know, like what time can I carve out for myself. So personally, you know, I tend to like stay up later than everybody else because that is in the time where you know, I can have like some peace to kind of do whatever I want. Um do you have other tips maybe for moms who are you know, struggling to kind of manage our schedule like this? Um? Yes, I have a whole lot of tips. One thing that I know I do for me, like you, I stay up a little later and then I just have I get to enjoy a show that I may not have gotten to enjoy earlier, because you know, sometimes the TV is always on cartoons or a movie that is you know, family related, So staying up and watching a movie, staying up and journaling. UM time like get up before everybody else and just enjoy the quietness. Um. Sometimes I take a mental health day and my kids are at school and I'm at home actually just enjoying the quietness of the home and connecting with myself and figuring out, okay, what's my next step. If you're able to do those things, you know. Um, So those are some of the tips. I mean, you know, exercising is another good one. Taking a lunch by yourself, you know, if the kids are napping, take that time, and you know, take a nap yourself. You know, a lot of times when the kids are sleeping, we want to go and do do do, but take a nap yourself so you're re energized. That's a good point. And I think sometimes, you know, I was having a conversation with someone I can't remember recently about like how self care can sometimes really be distractions, and so we do want to make sure that we are paying attention to what we're actually doing right because sometimes you know, like napping is really good, especially if it's a restorative kind of thing, but sometimes we want to sleep because we don't want to avoid or we want to avoid doing what we really need to be doing. Right, So, exactly, I have that problem. Yeah, that's good. I always needed that. Yes, I think that's an important distinction to me, that we don't kind of fall into using self care as a way of avoiding other things we need to really be doing. The problem or the issue will still be there when you get out exactly, exactly. Yeah. And sometimes you can't even enjoy the nap, right because the anxiety of what you're supposed to be doing breaks through, and then it's not even RESTful sleep exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So are there other things you feel like are left out of these conversations around self care since it has become such a buzzword. Are there other things you think we should be paying attention to. I think that we should be paying attention to our our red flags and triggers and know that when it's gotten to the point that we can't do it on our own, it's okay to ask for help. I think a lot of times, you know, we especially as black women, do not like to ask for help or go see a therapist, and things like that have depend on somebody in your support circle. And I think we need to get back to knowing that that it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to see a therapist, it's okay to say, you know, I can't do this. You know I've had enough. It's okay to do those things because that is taking care of yourself. Yeah. And I would even add it's okay to make that call even before you get to that point, right, you know, because I think a lot of times we do wait until it gets to we're at a point of overwhelming exhaustion before we want to reach out, as opposed to like, okay, I can see this coming down the line, let me go head and try to put some things in place to prevent me from getting to overwhelm exactly. That's why it's so important to be aware of what your triggers are and what those warning signs look like, so that as soon as you see one, you know, okay, we're getting there. Let's let's go and let me go back and and refer. I give my my clients a actual support circle sheet, and I'm like, Okay, in times of loneliness, I can rely on this person when I just need to vent. I can rely on this person when I need advice, I can rely on this person, refer back to that sheet, and you know, call those people, call on them. So you've mentioned some of these triggers and warning signs a couple of times when Maria, So, I want to make sure we give people like if they don't know that this is a warning sign or a trigger for them, Can you give some examples, um, that people may be able to recognize in their own lives. Yes, Um, paying attention to your body. So things that you know, if my heart starts to you know, rapid beat, if I'm feeling those anxious feeling you know, feelings of anxiousness. If I'm feeling you know, frustrated, if i feel like, you know, if one more thing comes on my plate, I'm just going to break down. Those are warning signs anger. What is a depression? These are all warning signs if you see that you are getting to the point where, hey, I'm feeling a lot more sad than usual. What is causing this? Going back to seeing what is causing all of these feelings that you're feelings. So it's about paying attention to your body and knowing that because we all kind of have a base level. So when you start to see things that are not at that base level. Those are your warning signs or whatever experiences your body is feeling for your personal self, those are your red flags, warning signs and triggers. Yeah, and I think, like you mentioned related to you know, physical symptoms, you will also see sometimes like increase headaches and st make issues, you know, which is why a lot of people end up in like their primary care doctors all right, like they will have all of this other stuff going on and not realize that it's actually connected to something emotional health wise. And you know, knowing that again with the boundaries the triggers, if I'm around this person, I always feel like this, If I'm in this setting, I feel anxious, you know, knowing that the setting is not somewhere you need to be or you need to set boundaries around that setting or that person. So being aware of that as well. So I want to lead in now to your book because I bet so your your new book coming out is a self care affirmation journal, and I'm guessing that there's probably some space to journal around how you're feeling in particular spaces, you know, because I think we don't always pay attention to that right, Like, we don't always pay attention to how drained we feel after spending time with that particular friend, right, um, And I think making some of those connections can be really good. So can you tell us a little bit about what led you to creating the journal? Yes, I can so. As I stated earlier, I have two private practices. One deal specifically with black parents who have an an autistic child. The other one deals with um black women who are dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. And what I started to see and working with both of those practices is that they were spending so much time focusing on everybody around them. And you know, the example I would give them is they had a glass of water, and they kept giving the water to everybody else, and then when it was time for them to take a drink, they had nothing, you know, so they weren't taking care of themselves. And I just started to notice this pattern with them that even when we try to talk about self care, they didn't even know what that looked like for them. They didn't even know how to go about, you know, setting up self care for themselves. So I said, you know what, you know, I'm gonna make a book and make it easier for you, so you can get the foundation with this book, and then that book will lead you to creating a self care plan for yourself that works, you know, and you can change, you know, as you change as a person. So that's how you know, I got into UM developing the book. It was initially for those two groups that I was dealing with, but then I was like, you know what, everybody can benefit from this. Yeah, it definitely sounds like a really good resource that will be available. Well, it is available. Yeah, So what are some of your other favorite resources around self carecter or their books are things that you find yourself frequently um sharing with your clients. UM. I read a lot of Burnet Brown. I think that her books, you know, kind of get you back centered to self and help you figure out a lot. Is something I recommend a lot to my clients, are her readings. UM. And then I also just tell them to go down the barns and no while and look at self self care and self help. And there'll be things like work books like anxiety work books or UM journals and things like that and pick one up and use it intentionally, you know, UM, things like that. I I tell them to watch a movie, you know, resources that can show them, you know, what self care looks like for them. So I tell them, you know, go and look at these resources and be intentional with them. So those things I recommend to my clients. So sounds great. And Burnee Brown is a podcast favorite. UM, lots of therapies who have been Yes, of course love Renee's works and I definitely think those are great books to grab copies of. So where can we find you online? Mario? What's your website as well as any social media handles you'd like to share? Okay? So, um, you can find me at www dot Autism in Black dot org or www dot Day by Day Therapy dot com. And then my social media handles are if you're on Facebook, it's autism in BLK, instag Am and Twitter are autism in Black b L A c K spelled out great And of course we will include all of that information in the show notes. Definitely make sure you grab your copy of the journal so that you can't be more intentional about your self care. Yes, it's available on Amazon. It's UM fifty two Affirmations for self Care. You can use it for fifty two days or use it in a weekly format and take you through a whole year. Very cool. Well, thank you so much for joining us today, Maria. Thank you for having me. I'm so thankful Maria was able to share her expertise with us today. To check out the resources that she shared and to learn more about her practice, visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session seventy seven, and please make sure to share your takeaways from the episode in your i G stories are on Twitter, be sure to use the hashtag tv G and session that we can find them and share them. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be sure to visit the therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory, and don't forget to check out the Therapy for Black Girls store. To grab yourself a T shirt or a mug to show your love for the podcast, you can find it at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop. And if you want to continue this conversation and join a community of other sisters who listen to the podcast, join us over in the Thrive tribe at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe. Make sure you answer the three questions that are asked to gain jury. Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week, and I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real sued, Take good care, pur often all oftor par often A often par oftor