TBG U: Navigating Helicopter Parents

Published Dec 26, 2023, 8:00 AM

Congratulations, you’ve been accepted into the inaugural class of Therapy for Black Girls University. Whether you’re packing for a new year on campus, thinking through your gap year, enrolling in a community college, or grabbing your stoles for graduation, TBG U is here to help you thrive at this stage of your life and beyond.

Winter Break has either commenced or is about to commence at most universities. If you’re a student, then you know that the transition of having your own dorm room and being able to go out whenever you want to coming home and having a curfew can be a rough experience. For this month’s episode, I wanted to put together a roundtable discussion with other college students to affirm and share our own experiences navigating our relationships with our loved ones in college.

Today's episode is titled Navigating Helicopter Parents. 

What's a helicopter parent? A helicopter parent is a parent who pays very close attention to their child's experiences and problems, especially at educational institutions.

Joining me for this discussion are Zoe Rose and Heaven Holloway. Zoe is a junior Journalism Major and English Minor attending Hampton University. She currently works as a writer for HER Campus. Heaven is a current grad student earning her Master’s of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy. She recently graduated from UCLA with a B.A. in Psychology and a minor in African American Studies. 

In our conversation today, we lament the woes of having helicopter parents, provide tips for students trying to set healthy boundaries with their caregivers, and share some of the upsides of having an involved parent. 

 

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Our Production Team

Executive Producers: Dennison Bradford & Maya Cole Howard

Producers: Fredia Lucas & Ellice Ellis

Production Intern: Zariah Taylor

TBG University Host & Coordinator: Jayna Ellis

Congratulations, you've been accepted into the inaugural class of Therapy for Black Girls University. Whether you're packing for a new year on campus, thinking through your gap year and rolling in a community college, or grabbing your souls for graduation, tbgu is here to help you thrive at this stage of your life and beyond.

Hi. I'm sorrya Taylor, and I'm the TBG podcast production intern. We'll return to Jana right after the break.

Winter break has either commenced or is about to commence at most universities. If you're a student, then you know that the transition of having your own dorm room and being able to go out whenever you want to, coming home and having a curfew can be a rough experience. For this month's episode, I wanted to put together a roundtable discussion with other college students to affirm and share our own experiences navigating our relationships with our loved ones in college. Today's episode is titled Navigating Helicopter Parents. What's a helicopter parent? A helicopter parent is a parent who pays very close attention to their child's experiences and problems, especially at educational institutions. Joining me for this discussion are Zoe Rose and Heaven Holloway. Zoe is a junior journalism major and English minor attending Hampton University. She currently works as a writer for her campus. Heaven is a current grad student earning her Masters of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy. She recently graduated from UCLA with a BA in psychology and a minor in African American studies. In our conversation today, we limit the woes of having helicopter parents, provide to for students trying to set healthy boundaries with their caregivers, and share some of the upsides of having an involved parent. Here's our conversation. Hi, Zobe, Hi Heaven, thank you for being here today. So I'm so excited we're talking about helicopter parents, and so to kick us off, I want to start off with some definitions to get us grounded. So, a helicopter parent is defined by parents dot com as a style of parenting where caregivers are highly involved in their child's life. Some pop culture examples you may be familiar with are Mingling in the Pixar film Turning Red or Marlin from Finding Nemo. I want to know from y'all, how would you describe the level of involvement your parents had in your life during your earlier years and throughout high school.

All start definitely, say, within like my earlier years, middle school and high school, there was heavy involvement that my parents had in my life. I definitely feel like this sort of became stronger in high school, especially when I wanted to go out, when I started to sort of make new friends or like different groups of friends, navigating who I wanted to become. I definitely felt like that influence of say a helicopter parent was very strong and didn't necessarily level out. Usually it levels out your senior year and then you step into that freedom of college. But I feel like, definitely, all throughout my four years of high school, it was this heavy influence of helicopter parenting that was definitely felt. And I can say that entering my college experience had its impacts on me, and those lasting impacts from the way it was in high school for sure.

Yeah, I would like to second everything Zoe said.

I feel like, definitely in high school, I felt the pressure of my parents' involvement.

There was just a lot more rules.

Regulations surrounding, like Zoe said, like expanding friend groups, meeting new people and things like that. I feel like it didn't really let up until maybe my junior year of college, which is a really long time. So definitely definitely a lot of involvement, and it started to lessen the more I got deeper into my undergraduate experience. But yeah, definitely strong.

Gotcha, So what came up between you and the adults in your life during your college application process?

For me, throughout my college application process, it was already stressful, incredibly stressful in and of itself, but I think that on top of that was in the back of my mind this need to be like, Okay, I do want to apply to the schools that I want to apply to, but I also want to do it in a way that would make my parents happy. And I felt that pressure more so, and so I feel like that did have its impacts going about the college process and choosing whether or not I should apply to this school or even down to like the program or like specific major. I sort of felt like I needed to confide in my parents before I even asked myself. So I definitely think that was a very strong influence there on my college application process for sure.

Yeah, again, I'm the second everything Zoe said, it was very stressful for me with just trying to navigate the application process alone, and then I had like other things from my support system, so having led me like oh, you can't fig a school that's more than twelve hours away, or like this major, I don't know if that's the right fit for you. So very much a lot of involvment, even decision making, to where sometimes it felt like the choice wasn't really up to me. It was a joint agreement, like if there wasn't one party that agreed with what I wanted, then it wouldn't really happen. And so I'm from the West Coast, so I kind of had to stay on the West Coast when it comes to police and I didn't get to experience that out of state experience or anything like that. So yeah, it was just a lot of going back and forth about what I'm going to decide, what major I picked, what school I would even apply and tend to, and so that was a little frustrating for me.

But there's pros and constant everything, and I.

Feel like maybe it's what I need in the moment, didn't know, but yeah, it was definitely frustrating in that moment, having that back and forth and feeling like the decision is not really up to me.

No, I fully agree and relate to the both of y'all. Like for me, my decisions were heavily influenced by my family, and so I didn't establish or know that I didn't want to be in the major or this program until I actually got into the classroom. By the time you're already too deep into it, I was making all of my decisions and considerations with my parents in mine my family and mind, and so I didn't have my own autonomy and it didn't really feel like much. But once I set foot in the first class and I was like, wait, I don't like this, That's when it kind of hit like I didn't make any of these decis decisions for me, and that was when I needed to have some self talk. So Heaven you touched on this already. Did you attend a local school out of state and did your parents have any influence on the type of schools that you applied to?

Yes, definitely, I went to school in state, so I'm from California and LA Area, so I went to UCLA. My parents had a big impact on the school that I chose again, like it was a twelve hour drive rule, Like if I can't get to you twelve hours, then it's a no for me. So that played a huge factor into my decision. Also, there was just like schools that my parents really liked. My dad loves UCLA and so he was like, oh, yeah, you're going there, even before I could make the decision for myself. And so I felt that pressure in that aspect make my family proud of the decision that I made. And UCLA is a great school, but part of me wants to go to Howard, part of me wants to go to HBCU, and I just felt like there was like a pressure to live up to a certain expectation. So I chose to go to UCLA. And yeah, my parents had a big influence on the school that I chose, and not necessarily for the worst, but you know, it's still just felt like I wish I had the option to choose to go where I felt maybe I would have a different experience or get away and experience what it's like to be in a different area and grow into myself in a different place.

Zoe, what was your experience like anything to add.

Yeah, So for me, I'm originally from New Jersey and I go to school in Hampton, so that's about like a seven hour drive from Jersey to Virginia. I want to say that in terms of location, it wasn't necessarily the huge influence of where I was, but it was more so an influence of where you're going, like what school you're going to. I knew that I wanted to go to an HBCU and that was always in my head since freshman year, but it was a matter of, Okay, are these day HBCUs want to go to and sort of like me second guessing myself because I knew that may not make them proud and things like that. So I feel like that influenced them. Of course, in the end, I ended up going to one of my top schools and things like that, and they were proud. But it's still a matter of that process of being like, Okay, am I doing this because I want to do this? Or am I doing this because I want to make them proud? And like this is the school that they would like and things like that. So at the end of the day, I did attend a school that I'm so in love with that I'm so proud of, but it's a matter of that influence.

Yeah, for sure. How did your relationship with your loved ones evolve when you entered college? Like, what were the first few months of your freshman year like for you and your family?

For me, I think towards the beginning, especially my freshman year, I was very very reliant on my parents, And that's why I think in that sense it was sort of helicopter parenting because I was very reliant on them and they didn't leave room for independence. So I think that sort of allowed me to struggle a lot more than a lot of other people would, because when you're in college, you step into your independence, you're sort of forced to step into your independence. But me, I didn't necessarily feel like I had to because my parents were constantly there. So I think that my freshman year and even my sophomore year very reliant on my parents, whether that be financially, whether that be anything. I was incredibly reliant on them, and I think that forced me to struggle a lot in knowing what I wanted to do, how to go about it independently, and those are fundamental things that you learn in college. But in terms of our relationship evolving, I do think that we grew closer because I was still relyant on them, but of course there's proso cous to that always.

So yeah, yeah, I definitely feel that my freshman year, my parents were there, but they weren't there. It was like a lot of rules and things that I had to abide by while being on campus, which is crazy because like, how.

Are you going to enforce these rules?

But like, I think that being the type of person that I am, I always again wanted to like make my parents proud of me and make them happy with my decision, so.

I kind of adhere to them just out of not wanting to cause tensions.

So there was a lot of times where I had certain rules that I had to do and then my friends would be like you have to do that, and I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry, and stuff like that that I feel like sometimes impeded on the things that I went into do and my own exploration and like learning who I am, just making.

My own decisions, trying new things, all that kind of stuff. I think that over time.

I think it softened a little bit, just because I feel like finally my parents were able to trust my decision making because I had experienced certain things in college that I was able to navigate on my own and not feel like I had to go to them. But like I said, that took a lot for me. It felt like junior year was the year that I really felt like there wasn't that pressure. But it was definitely very strong in the beginning, and then, like I said, over time it kind of softened, but there was still certain rules like whether it be communicating with them on a regular basis, so not going certain places past a certain hour, past a certain air or distance, whatever the case may be. That was very prevalent during my freshman year. That made making certain decisions a little bit more challenging.

But yeah, it did evolve. I'm not going to say that it's not, but definitely took some time.

I'm curious to know what were some of those examples that showed your parents, Okay, maybe she's learning.

For me, it was definitely having bad grades because it's not always realistic to have perfect grades all the time in college. So I think one of the key examples I had a bad grade on a test, but I was able to bounce back and get a good grade in the class overall, and like talk to them about how I was so frustrated with that aspect, Like, didn't let that stop you from being able to get what I need to get done to like go to office hours and things like that, being able to make decisions that overall would improve my situation instead of just being down to myself about the fact that I didn't get a good grade. And I think abiding by those rules did a lot of help, even though they were uncomfortable and stressful at times. I think the fact that I bodied by them and didn't cause that much issues created a place where they were like, Okay, we've given her a little bit, she's done well with it. Okay we can give more now. Do I necessarily agree with that type of mindset. No, but I feel like I made it work for what I could and tried to maintain that balance because of course I care about my parents, but I also want some sort of autonomy, so I tried to find like a middle ground of working with them but also doing what I want to to make sure that trust factor could be built up a little bit more.

Yeah, thank you for sharing that.

I definitely agree with sort of what Heaven said about finding that level ground and finding that balance. I feel like that's essential and that's key. I definitely feel like for myself my freshman and my sophomore year, I was sort of navigating that as well, like navigating that ground of trust and having them trust me while also stepping into what I want to do and discovering what I want to do in a way that's still respectful to them and respectful to what I know, while also being like, Okay, well this is what I want to do and things like that. So I agree with that, and I definitely found myself doing that a lot of times more than not my freshman and sophomore year.

For sure.

I love that y'all were able to find that middle ground. It's a weird play by play. It's a very weird play by play of I'm eighteen, I'm seventeen, Like I'm grown, but you're not grown, but you're grown enough to be learning who you are. And it's just a whole lot, a whole lot of tell me about a situation where you wish you would have been given more independence and or space, and how did you handle that situation.

I think, for me, a time where I needed more space and things like that is obviously, I think it was my freshman year coming back home for break. I mean, you're piled with these questions of like, what are you doing with your major? What do you want to do with your career? Do you want to like those sort of questions, Oh, you need an internship before you graduate? What are you going to do postgrad? Those sort of questions piled up, and especially over a break where I just got finished with my finals, I'm coming home to reset and relax, and I feel like those questions are just a reminder of everything that I need to do, And on top of that, it's just the stress of things that they expect for me when I'm trying to go home and be in a space where I just want to relax and just not have to worry about school. So I think that that is a clear and concise situation that has happened to me that in that time, I really just needed space. I wanted to be home, I wanted to feel like I was home, but I was constantly reminded of my future. So I think that in that situation at the time, I didn't necessarily handle it the right way, just because I was like, oh my god, I don't know what I'm doing it and it might have made the situation worse. But looking back at it now, I think that I would have just been like, look, I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm figuring it out and I just need space, you know. Setting the those boundaries is essential, and also like communicating in the way that they can understand it's bothering me and I can effectively communicate how it's bothering me.

For me, I had a little bit of a different experience. I wish I was given a little bit more room when it came to like outside campus excursions with my friends. Like I said before, I had that rule where there was like a certain limit on how far I could go from campus, and so for me that was a little bit challenging and then even checking in and asking for fruition that kind of stuff, because I think it created a barrier sometimes with me and my friends where I feel like, even though they may not have told me directly, there was just a little bit of dang, like she can't really go anywhere. How could we even navigate inviting her without feeling like we also have that Here to the rules that her parents set for her too, which I know for them was probably a little frustrating, and so I wish there was more room in that area, because there was a lot of times during other experiences like high school, that I went so many places other than this country without my parents and feeling like dang, all of a sudden, now I feel like there's even more tighter constraints compared to how I felt a little bit in high school to a certain extent, and it just felt like sometimes limiting in the sense that I feel like I'm able to make my own decisions, have smart decision making, and maybe I don't know everything, but maybe I wish there was a little bit more trust in the fact that, like, if something were to happen, that I know who to call, I know how to get the help that I need, instead of just letting things happen and then things getting too bad to where there can never be.

Any help or recovery.

And I feel like that's mostly what it was, like a safety concern, which I get, but I just feel like it was limiting and I feel like it limited my experience of what I could be involved in or what I could explore beyond just like being on campus because everything is not on campus all the time, it's.

Not That is something that you don't recognize until you're already there without a car. So I'm curious what was it like for the both of you to be home for the first time after a semester of living on your own. How did you navigate things like Kirk you not eating in your room or not being able to live the way you might have been living on campus.

Yeah, I'll start. I think for me it was definitely like hard, sort of like navigating that because for me, like especially in my freshman year, I was stepping into my own independence. I could go out whenever I wanted to, I could come back whenever I wanted to. I didn't need to tell people where I was going who I would, you know what I mean? Like, I was just doing whatever I wanted to. And I think that being home, Like I always loved being home because I love sort of that reason. I love the comfort of being home. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to prove my independence. It felt like I was going backwards. I experienced all this independence at school, and now I'm going back home and I feel like I'm in high school again. So That's definitely what it felt like, like come back on time and things like that. It was hard and it was hard to hang out with my friends and things like that, but I had to remember, like, well, this is how it is at home, so I sort of came to terms with it.

But yeah, my freshman year was actually pretty unique in the sense that, like it was cut short by COVID, so I feel like that played a different role. But I feel like I can speak more until my screams now because I moved back home after college and that was a big transition to a certain extent. There are still rules and curfews and which is crazy because I'm like, I have a whole batchelor screen now and I still have to rite under rules and things like that. It has been a little stressful, I think, like Zoe said, like feeling like I have to prove my independence. But I feel like at the end of the day, I had to come to terms with the fact that my parents are always going to have a certain perception of wanting to protect their child. In their eyes, I'm always going to be their kid, and I think being more cognizant of that it made it a little bit easier for me to swallow that pill, because there's nothing really I can do at a certain point.

It's beyond me. It's not really about me.

It's more about like what they've experienced, like who they are as people, and so like when I learn to not like personalize it and like internalize it and see as like a reflection of like who I am as a person and my character and all that kind of stuff, I feel like it became easier for me. Don't get me wrong, it's still hard, but it just motivates me to be, like, when I get my own stuff, I'm going to be gone for good this time and then like navigate that on my own, and it motivates me to get to that point and not be here forever because it's not working for me.

All the time.

I love that perspective that you have in regards to seeing your parents' side or seeing your loved one side of this is beyond you and this is not your doing, and just taking a step back and recognizing that they've had experiences to lead them to the thought processing that they have currently. So I love that.

Hi. I'm Saria Taylor and I'm the TBG podcast production intern. We'll return to Jana right after the break.

How do you feel the adults in your life have influenced your personal growth and self reliance? Can you share some specific ways it's impacted you.

I think that the adults in my life have definitely made it difficult for self reliance, just because I've been very reliant on them because that's what I'm so used to. I feel like even in decision making, I sort of prioritize what my parents would do or what they would tell me to do as opposed to what I should do, and I think that makes it very difficult for self reliance actually living on your own, especially being in college. So I think those situations, especially when it comes to like money and things like that, like how I should spend my money, what should I spend it on? Am I effectively saving? Those things are direct impacts from what my parents haven't still given me, which of course I'm grateful for, but at the same time, it makes it difficult for me to actually step into that independence.

On my own.

So yeah, I would say that I feel like I've lived in a little bit of like cognitive business, like I was getting mixed messages from my family, like I have some people that would tell me, go live your lives, and then I have some people tell me, oh, no, these are the rules that you have to abide by.

So like, in certain aspects, I did have a lot of encouragement.

Like I said, with the whole great situation and like having to be able to bounce back from li like that was my own decision making and the fact that I told my parents they were kind of like, well, you know what you need to do to get that great up, and I'm like, you're right. So I figured out and make sure I made that work. And then I feel like from there, because I was able to get the grade up, they were like, Okay.

She did what we thought she was capable of doing. So for like the great stuff, I feel like it was easy.

I feel like the other stuff, like life things, it became a little bit more challenging, just because my parents and my family have certain views and opinions, and I had to learn how to take what I can use and take what I resonated with and other things maybe not so much, and learn how to negotiate with myself what's important for me to hold on to? What level of my parents' advice and input do I value and what part of it is like I don't necessarily align with it, and like again being comfortable with making bad decisions and like making mistakes because that's the only way that you learn.

And then the more.

That I brought my mistakes to my family posted fact like I already did it, I already fixed it, blah blah, bah blah blah, then I feel like that created for all timy is like Okay, she said that she experienced this hardship bounce back recovery, was able to figure it out.

Okay, so we don't need to be involved type thing.

So it's like that level of do you have to tell your parents everything that you mess up or like everything that you do wrong.

So I feel like there's levels toity.

You just have to learn how to make it work for you and make it work for like the situation that you're in, in the environment that you're in, to keep a little bit of sanity.

Intech.

Has your experience with being monitored closely made you want to shy away from your parents?

Yeah, I think it's made me very cautious of everything. I feel like when you're monitored and when you are watched and things like that, it makes you less wanting to tell them things because it feels like if you do, it's going to be a problem. So I think that when there's not that much freedom, of course, you're going to be closed off. I feel like, especially growing up high school early college, I was heavily watched, heavily monitored, and I feel like that made me shy away from wanting to tell them the things that are going on in my life because I feel like I might get in trouble or that might not be something that they want to hear or something that I should be doing. So, yeah, it just intinuates that I'm doing something wrong because it intinuates that there's not that level of trust.

Yeah, I feel like it does reinforce that a little bit, which is like a double edged sword. But I also did not always share everything. I feel like, to a certain extent, your parents and your family know what you're going to do in college based on their experience of what they've heard from other people. They already know what happens, and so I didn't always feel a need to necessarily tell them everything. But if it came up, I was transparent regardless of what their reaction would be because I feel like that was like the only way to enforce on my end, like, yeah, I'm still going to make this decision and I do not listen to my advice hundred percent. Depending on how your parents are and stuff like that, But for me, I didn't share everything all the time. My parents knew some stuff, they didn't know some stuff, but I gauged what I wanted to share based on how much it aligned with what they believe, or like I said, if it got brought up, or if I even felt comfortable sharing, because there were some things that I didn't necessarily feel comfortable with and I didn't want to have to explain myself. So like, yeah, it's a difficult situation of being especially if you're very close to your family. It's hard, but again, you have to learn how to make it work for you and make it work for what you want for your own life, because that's really what college is about, learning who you are and learning what you want out of your own life because it's yours.

Right, I think for me, I definitely felt like, okay, this is doing a lot. So in turn, I wanted to, like while I was in school, to have moments to myself and so my family was out of state eight hours away. There's really you can drive, you can fly, but like that's effort, and so me shining away was just maybe I call once a week, twice a week, and it's finding that balance that I enjoyed while I'm still finding who I am, just because I just had that heavy influence and so me trying to figure out the balance of it. Sometimes it was extreme. Sometimes I forgot to call home. Sometimes it went two to three weeks I just haven't called home because I'm just really in my season. And then sometimes I'm calling home every five seconds because I miss home. And so I was just shying away, but also trying to find how do I learn who I am and balance who you are and all these things. So it was tiring at times and definitely a process. But I appreciate y'all sharing that with all the parenting styles, there are pros and cons tell us about the upsides of having a hyper involved parent.

I think an upside is probably just knowing like sort of what Heaven touched on before I can be confident that they're doing this out of okay. I want to make sure my child's safe. So having that confidence in knowing that it's coming somewhere out of love, So at the end of the day, that's their form of communicating that they care and they love for you and they want to make sure you're safe. So I guess like having hyperactivity and having that hyper focused on your life is better than not being involved at all, So I definitely think that's a positive. And just knowing that they want to know what's going on in your life is also comforting to know that they care about that too, So I think that those are some positives as well. And I think in some aspects it made me and my parents a little bit closer just because they are involved and they know what's going on, So I think that's an upside as well.

Yeah, I would definitely second that, and I will also add that another upside is that I feel like sometimes college makes you feel like you have to grow up a little bit too fast. But having involved parents reassure me that I always have somebody to fall back on if I really need advice about something. I have people that are willing to give their input and be there and support me, and I don't always have to feel like I have to navigate this journey alone. Because sometimes you can feel very isolated. You're separated from your parents and your family and you're on a big campus like especially as a freshman, navigating it alone sometimes for the most part, especially for first gen students, into having family support could mean the difference between you feeling comfortable and being on campus versus always feeling like a fish out of water, and so I definitely think that's an upside. It's like always knowing that there's someone there that Zoe said, that cares about you, that's willing to be there for you and willing to save you if there's was something that happens and save.

You from those bad decisions maybe that you make. There's always someone to fall back on.

Right Being first gen and having that out of state experience, that was something that was always comforting. Like at the end of the day, I know that my family has me a little too much sometimes, but you have me, and that in a fixed and like a small pond. I guess that's the most comforting thing to know at the end of the day, my family has me, and regardless of these strangers that are amongst me, I know that I have home. So I love both of y'all's points. Another area I like to touch on is therapy. Have any of you sought the support of a therapist or counselor to help manage your relationship with your parents?

I can go first.

I definitely saw the advice of other people, maybe not like a therapist and counselor. I saw a therapist and counselor more for personal things that I was dealing with and like some issues that I was struggling with on my own instead of reaching out to family per se. But now I'm in therapy for some of that kind of stuff. I just think that at the time, my needs were a little bit different, and I sought the support of friends and family to help navigate those experiences because it was definitely challenging, and it was better to have people around me who watched my journey, like know who I am as a person. But yeah, I usually sought out like therapists and like counselors for things I was experiencing on my own that I didn't think I could get that from people around me, or needed something more than what friends and family could provide.

So heaven, can you share what the conversation was like with those friends.

Yeah, one of my closest friends from undergrad. We've been friends since my freshman year of college, and so she knew about a lot of these rules that I had, and my sophomore year when COVID happened, she had to move back home for a little bit because she's not from California. She talked to me a lot about where I was and how I felt about these certain rules and stuff like that, knowing like who I am as a person and knowing the things that I want for myself and kind of pushed me to not always feel like that pressure from my parents, like it was way easier than that. I think it took me a long time to realize that, but she helped me realize that at the end the day day, it's my life. My parents they love and they care about me, and it's coming from a good place, but it's not always most conducive to like what I have going on. And she encouraged me to like know that it wasn't just about me. It's not a personal thing, And so that was one of the conversations I had. I had other family members that would like help and be like, I understand where you're coming from because they knew my parents and so they would like encourage me to also still pursue the things that you want.

Don't feel pressured by that. Like, at the end of the day, your parents are going.

To love you regardless of the decisions that you make, so don't let that be or worry like they are.

Always going to be there.

But you have to learn how to make your own decisions and make your own choices because you can't always be relying on them.

At some point you're going to have to learn.

So do it now while it's the space for that, and sot it being too late, because that's sometimes where a lot of people are right now, where they are further into their adulthood and making those kinds of decisions. But there's more at stake, and now while the stakes are low, the risks are low because it's easier to bounce back now than it is later down the line, and you'll be so much more happy if you do it now then do it later.

I can definitely sort of second what Heaven said about confiding in your friends. More often than that, I would seek advice from friends that I knew might have been going through the same thing, or knew firsthand what I was going through and had a better help me with what I'm going through. So I could say, especially in high school and even in college, I would confide in my high school friends to sort of help me navigate with this independence. How should I deal with that? With not knowing whether or not to rely on them or to rely on myself and trust myself. That was really a big thing for me, especially in college. It's like, should I trust my gut and know what I want to do? Or should I trust that my parents know what's best for me even more than what I know what's best for me. So that was sort of a battling game that I had to navigate between myself and my friend's really helped me with that as well.

For sure.

I love that.

Hi. I'm Saria Taylor and I'm the TBG podcast production intern. We'll return to Jana right after the break.

What advice do you have for other college students who may be dealing with helicopter parents and trying to assert their independence.

Yeah, I think that the main thing is communication and setting boundaries. I think that it's very difficult, especially because they're your parents. You don't want it to come off as a way that's disrespectful, But I think the main thing, especially for yourself, in order to be able to step into that independence. The first step is being able to communicate with your parents, being able to set those boundaries of what you think is good, what you like, and what you don't like, because that can better help assess how you want to step into your independence further in college. I think that having those hard conversations will also show them and let them know that you are growing up, Like you are stepping into this independence, you are ready to experience things that you need to do on your own. So I think that the two main things of advice that I would give people is having those hard conversations, communicating and setting those boundaries that feel right to you.

Second, everything's really said, and then I will add two more pieces of advice. Number one, it's okay if you make mistakes, It's okay. If you have bad grade, it will be fine. Everything will work itself out. I know, like in the moment sometimes the tension can feel a little strenuous and you feel frustrated, but everything will be okay. You will be able to navigate it and make it work for you.

And I guess that least recent.

My second piece of advice, make it work for you at the end of the day, Like they're still going to who they are, They're still going to have these perceptions and these rules. But like Zoe said, communication, I feel like is what helps create that middle ground. It won't be there if you never tell them anything or like communicate to them anything about like what's going on in your life or like things that are going on in college.

But that doesn't necessarily mean you have to tell them everything.

Finding that middle space where it's like, yes, I do listen to that by to my parents and I do take heats like some of the things that they say, but also I don't tell them everything, and I try to explore and figure it out on my own and then come back to ask them for help and advice them. Trying to make it work for you, Like Jana said earlier, creating a communication schedule that works for you, just finding a way to navigate it because some spaces it won't change. But you just have to find that balance for yourself.

Lovely advice. We just talked about setting boundaries, But what's one boundary you've advocated for and exercise with the adults in your life.

I think for me, and haven't touched on this earlier before as well, is just you don't have to tell them everything that's going on in your life. That has been a boundary that has helped me in a multitude of ways, just because I'm respecting my own boundaries, and also at the end of the day, like there's just certain things that your parents don't need to know, and there are certain things that go on in your life that you can experience solely from your perspective and solely just for you and for your expiration and for your independence, and they don't need to be a part of that. So that has been one of the biggest boundaries that I've said, is navigating knowing what to tell my parents what not to knowing that they really just want to know that you're safe. They want to know that you are doing things that they expected you to do. So sort of re emphasizing that and ensuring that and putting that ease and that peace of mind in their mind that you're okay is really all that they need. They don't need to know every middle school detail in your life because you still are growing and you still owe yourself some sort of privacy.

Yeah, you don't have to tell and everything is definitely the catch off. Also, I feel like a boundary that I set was even with specific stuff like dating and grades, you don't have to share all the time, who is new in the picture sometimes that kind of stuff.

It doesn't even matter. You're just kind of like doing stuff to have fun. Like let them be things that you have fun with, just because you feel like, oh, it may.

Not be worth it to tell your parents all the time. Even with parties, just keep certain things to yourself. That's definitely a boundary I had to establish. Just be safe with everything that you do, fun wise, parties, dating, all that kind of stuff. Also them grades, Like I said, if you have a bad grade, it's okay.

One test may not make or break your grade in that class.

You don't necessarily have to share that, and no one's sitting progress reports home and at the end of the day, all that matters is that you got that degree. So like, if you're having bad grades, as long as you know, like what's you need to take to make it working, that it doesn't get too bad to where you get put on probation and stuff like that, you don't have to share that.

That's keep it to yourself.

I know it's a weird transition for being in high school, and like your parents know your grades and now they don't.

Have access to that information. But like it's okay to keep.

Certain things to yourself, especially when you're having fun and still learning what college is like.

And I also want to add to the not sharing everything with your parents, because I think you're also learning that on campus anyway, Like you're learning not to tell everybody your team, You're learning to keep things to yourself, and it's okay, and it's respecting of yourself and of your experiences. And so yes, we're saying this about your loved ones and the adults in your life, but it's also applicable to your homies and your friends and anyone else. It's a skill that you're learning with your family or your loved ones, but it's also applicable to your friends as well, in associates and work in all these other spaces that will be important for you to learn that as well. Lastly, I want to know what is your take on a healthy level of principal involvement in college. What should parents consider when given their child freedom in college.

I think that one of the main things is not letting your child feel like this pressure to please you. Like that's important. Learning experiences should be emphasized in college like period because that's when you're growing into adulthood, so that should be emphasized. I think also that sort of healthy level ground is I don't need to call every day. Let the kid reach out sometimes, you know what I mean, because more often than not they will, but it's just feeling like they have that freedom. They don't need to have to do it, but rather they want to. So having that sort of like healthy communication schedule maybe called twice a week and set up by time like once a week at the end of the week, every Sunday, things like that to remain a healthy balance. And also like you can encourage life updates, but only things that are very significant, like okay, just finish my finals. I finished off strong. Oh I just got into this organization like stuff that's big. Life updates are things that can be updated with them. So I feel like a healthy talking schedule being able to update them on things that are very important, and also having it be encouraged that learning is encouraged and emphasized, because then it feels like you're not walking on eggshells with the experiences that you're going through in college.

Yeah, I definitely agree with that. I think the thing that gets parents caught up is that they're so worried about preventing things instead of giving their kids the information so they can make the decisions themselves.

Like, it just.

Causes more issues where people want to be rebellious and they want to just do whatever. But I think if you educate your kids, for example, like how to protect themselves at parties, like knowing what to look for, all that kind of stuff, being aware of their surroundings, teaching those kinds of life skills, it'll be easier for you to trust them because you've already talked in the skills that they need to know, Like even regardless of safe sex practices and stuff like that. I feel like there's more of the prevention thing than trying to communicate and educate people. So, like, just educate students about what they might experience at college because a lot of things are bound to happen. But if they have the tools there, then it's easier for them to use those tools and apply them to situations that they have, from grades to social things, friendships, all of that kind of stuff, just teach them, educate them on what they may experience in a way that's not causing there to be.

A negative perspective.

And just more, I just want you to know these things things that may happen, so that way you know how to navigate these situations and just be supportive of the decisions that they choose to make.

Yeah, and honestly just to piggyback off what happens, said a really good point about the fact that like we should be communicating what not to do and what to do rather than just being like, you can't do this all together, you know what I mean, Like you should be educating how to approach these experiences in these situations because they are inevitable. And I feel like that level of sort of secrecy or like oh I can't do this, like you're totally against this. It makes a child sort of hesitant. It makes the young adult hesitant to even share what they may be going through because they feel like they're not supposed to be doing it or it's something looked down upon. And then that also ends up being like, Okay, I have to figure this out on my own because I don't even want to open up to my parents about this, So I think that point is definitely so important in learning and like allowing them and telling them what they should be doing when these situations arise, rather than just saying that's not allowed altogether, is so important.

It really is.

I agree with you, bo, I appreciate you for sharing. It's just the wisdom, just dropping all of the wisdom.

I appreciate it.

So where can we keep up with you? What are your social media handles?

I go to Hampshire University of I'm a third year journalism major English minor, so most of the time I'm writing. I'm very big writer. I'm an editorial writer for her campus magazine, so that's where all of my work will be published in. My instagram is zobe Rose with two e's three.

I'm currently in a master's program and so I have two separate instagrams. I have like a personal instagram, but my professional instagram is your local aspiring therapist because I'm in school to be an MFT, so like I'll be posting a lot of educational content and like my experience and journey about that aspect of my life. So if you want to learn more about what it's not to be an NFT student and anything like that. Feel free to go ahead and follow that page your local aspiring therapist.

Love it well. Thank you Zobe and Heaven for talking with me today. I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I want to thank Zoe and Heaven once again for joining us for this episode. Class is over for now, but before we dismiss, take the following notes from my conversation with Zoe and Heaven home with you. Have a conversation with your parents about the level of involvement in your life and set boundaries if needed. If regular conversations aren't working, begin looking for a therapist to help you work through boundary setting. The TVG directory is a great place to start. If you're a journaler, make a list of everything you're willing to share with your parents versus things you prefer to keep to yourself. To learn more about the work Zoe and Heaven are doing, or to do more research on this topic, be sure to visit Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tbg U. This episode was produced by Frida Lucas, Elise Ellis, and Zaria Taylor. Editing is by Dennison L.

Bradford.

Therapy for Black Girls

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a license 
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