Stop Shoulding On Yourself

Published Nov 7, 2018, 8:00 AM
In this week's episode I discuss how our language impacts our mental health, specifically when it's filled with things we "should" do or be and shared 5 tips for how you can stop "shoulding" on yourself. I also announced our brand new Therapy for Black Girls community, The Yellow Couch Collective.

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Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls podcasts, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session eighty two of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. I wanted to chat with you a little bit this week about how the words we speak can be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves and some of the mental processes that are going on in the background. One of the big culprits it should you know what I'm talking about? I should really work out more, or I should be further along in my career by now you know what I'm talking about? Does that sound familiar? The thing was should is that they really are not setting us up for success. Should already make us feel like we're starting at a deficit and that we're not doing enough. And of course, when we go too far with this thinking, we either overcompensate and move towards exhaustion and overwhelm, or we feel defeated and don't make any progress towards our goals. So what can you do if you're caught with a bad case of the shoots? Step one. The very first thing is that you have to be conscious of this behavior for the next week. I want you to pay a tension to your language and make yourself a note of any time you use the word should, what are you discussing, who are you talking to? Generally, how are you feeling about yourself in that moment. You might find that you have a tendency to you should more when you're talking to a certain person or about a certain topic, or when you're feeling a certain way about yourself. Step two. If you find that the ships don't come up as much when you're talking with others, but come up a lot in yourself talk, pay attention to that. What story are you telling yourself about what your life should look like right now? And where did it come from? A lot of times when we do a little digging, we realize that the ideas were holding onto and the goals we're trying to achieve aren't really ours in the first place. Step three, practice being compassionate with yourself. It's likely that if your life is full of a lot of shuds, you're very critical of yourself, and you might be holding yourself to a standard that isn't even realistic. What would happen if you relax that a little? For example, let's say one of your shoulds is I should be further along in my career by now. What if instead of focusing on what is not, you focused on all the things you have actually accomplished up to this point career and otherwise? Does that now give you something else to focus on? Step four? If you dig into the SuDS and you realize it's something you truly do want for yourself, not just someone else's vision for your life, what goal can you say that would get you a little closer to what you're saying you'd like to have happened. So if we stick with the example of further in your career, let's say you set a goal of getting a promotion within the next year. What's the smallest action you can take towards getting some movement on this goal. Maybe it's something like asking for a meeting with a key player in your office, or sending your boss some thoughts about a new project you're working on to show them your initiative. Any movement forward is a good thing. And finally step five, you want to find some other phrases to use in place of should. You might try something like I would like to be further along in my career. Do you see how that already opens itself up for possibilities as opposed to the automatic shutting down that happens when you say I should be further along? Some other language bandits to be aware of, or things like must need always and never, I must finish Kyle Luge in four years? Really do you need to? I need to be married by age thirty five? Really says who? My friends always lead me out? Okay, so they never include you. I never have healthy relationships. You can't tell me about one. Do you see how each of these leaves some room for us to do some reality testing. A lot of times when we speaking extremes like these, we limit ourselves and it can make it difficult for us to really see other perspectives that we hadn't considered, so I'm curious to hear what this might look like for you. Are you guilty of using any of these words excessively and how has it impacted you? Share your thoughts with me either on Twitter or i G and make sure to use the hashtag tv G in session or tag our accounts so that I can keep up with the conversation. Before we wrap up today, I also want to share something exciting with you guys. In the past year and some change since I've been doing podcasts, I've realized that the thing I love most about this work is really being in community with y'all and seeing you be in community with one another. And because of this, I want to introduce you and invite you to join me in our brand new therapy for Black girls community called the Yellow Couch Collective. The Yellow Couch Collective is going to be our space to really practice some of the things we talked about on the podcast, and our space to really focus on developing and strengthening the relationships y'all have with one another. Every month, we're gonna have another deep dive on a particular topic. It will be complete with practice exercises, readings, and discussions for the rest of this month will be focusing on assertive communication because I think that when we learn to be more assertive in our community pasition, it sets us up for success in a lot of other areas in our lives. Every month will also be having live Q and A sessions with some of your favorite experts from the podcast. Our very first expert will be Shamira Howard, who you heard a couple of episodes ago, talking more about sexual freedom and what that can look like for us as black women. There will also be meetups with other members of the Yellow Couch Collective that are near you in your area, So if you've been looking for a way to meet new people in your area who already have at least one thing in common, this might be a great way to do it. I'm so so excited about this, y'all, and I think that you will be too, So if you want to learn more information about it, or if you already know that you are in, go ahead and visit Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C and join us now. Don't forget that if you're looking for a therapist in your area, visit the therapy is directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory and don't forget to grab your tv G swag in our store at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash shop. Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week. I hope you have a great week and I am looking forward to seeing you and chatting with you in the Yellow Couch Collective. Take it care,

Therapy for Black Girls

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a license 
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