The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
What are the guidelines you follow about sharing information about your love life online? Are you a fan of soft launches or do you prefer to keep it private? Does it mean anything to you if your partner doesn’t share pictures of you on their profiles? Everyone has their own comfort level and we’re digging into all of it today. Joining me again this week are some members of the TBG Team, Ellice Ellis, Nyesha Davis, and Miela Fetaw, to share their thoughts on dating and relating in an online world.
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Ellice Ellis
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Executive Producers: Dennison Bradford & Maya Cole Howard
Producers: Fredia Lucas, Ellice Ellis & Cindy Okereke
Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Doctor Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session three oh five of the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our conversation afterword from our sponsors. Have you heard? My first book, Sisterhood Heels, is available for pre order right now at Sisterhoodheels dot com. Grab your copy to learn more about what role you play in your sister circles, why difficult conversations can make relationships closer, and steps to take when it's time to end a friendship. We'll have lots to talk about this summer, and you don't want to miss it. Pre Order your copy of sisterhood Heels right now at sisterhood Heels dot com. What are the guidelines you follow about sharing information about your love life online? Are you a fan of soft launches or do you prefer to keep it private? Does it mean anything to you if your partner doesn't share pictures of you on their profiles. Everyone has their own comfort level, and we're digging into all of it today. Joining me again this week are some members of the TBG team, Elise, Nisha and Miela, to share their thoughts on dating and relating in an online world. If something resonates with you while enjoying our conversation, please share with us on social media using the hashtag TVG in session or join us over in the sister circle to talk more in depth about the episode. You can join us at community dot therapy for Blackgirls dot Com. Here's our conversation. So we are back with another incredible TVG team discussion, and this week we are talking a little bit about dating etiquette in the online world. So many of our team members are a little bit TikTok obsessed and like many of you, have been following the beautiful saga of Jalen Noble and monet as they've done their soft launches and now fullard launches on TikTok as all of TikTok in a frenzy, and so that led us to a discussion around what is the etiquette around dating online and what kinds of conversations are you having in your relationships, about whether you share each other on your socials, and just all of those things. So we wanted to share this conversation with the team, but then also open it up to the community for you to weigh in on what your rules are around dating etiquette and online profiles. So let us start with introductions. So we have some voices that you heard before and other new team members who will be sharing with us for the first time. If you would tell us who you are, your positioned at TBG, and then a little bit of an intro on your dating history or your relationship status, we'll start with you at least.
Hey, I am Elise. I am the podcast producer for TVG and I also produce for our socials. I have been dating.
My partner for a year and a half, but I have known him since twenty eighteen and I just moved in with him, which is really exciting. But I'm excited to talk about this, and like doctor Joyce said, it was cool that we were all on the same accord about Jalen and Monet, the TikTok influencers, and they're like super hard launch, and so I was like, yes, this is a great episode, we have to do it.
What about you, Nashia?
Hey everyone, I am Nisha. I'm the community assistant here with Therapy for Black Girls, and I also assist with our Twitter page. I have been with my wife and August it will be thirteen years and married nine years.
And Miela, I knew it's TVGT member.
Hi. I'm Meela. I'm the digital content producer at Therapy for Black Girls, but I handle exclusively Doctor Joy's forthcoming book, Sisterhood Heels that's coming out June twenty seventh engine twenty ninth in the UK for those that are curious.
Talk about a hard launch for the book.
I have been with my fiance for almost three years, almost three years perfect and I realized I didn't share my relationship daddy.
So I have been married for ten years. I believe ten years. I think this year will be eleven years. So predating a little bit of some of the social media channels. But I have a very different perspective I think on everything that has happened, and so much of this has really popped up post me being engaged and married. So let us start with a conversation around what kinds of conversations have you had with your partner around are we going to share that we're in a relationship, What are the rules about posting each other? Do you prefer a partner who is not really online? Give me the scoop on like how you have even had conversations with your partners about what happened online.
So Samantha and I started dating when Facebook was coming out. I guess maybe like in this like fourth year, I don't remember. So it was in relationship with and me. I'm a social media person and she's not at all. So I was like, are you gonna put in relationship with? She was like, I don't care about that. While we got to tell people, I was like, I don't know, that's what's that's what's happening. So it was literally from John, she's not a social media person. She doesn't just social media. We do have a combined Instagram account that was for our business page, but I'm a majority of the face. You see her slide up and there when she wants to.
So she's not a social media person, but she was not necessarily opposed to like you posting that y'all were in a relationship, or you posting pictures of.
Y'all now posting picture. No, she didn't mind, but she was like, you don't have to tag me. She graduated college in two thousand and four, and she still got her college profile photo on Facebook, so she real serious.
She like, I do not care about any of this.
She don't care.
What about you, Ellie.
I was definitely the person in the relationship who wasn't like, don't post me, don't tag me. I was just reluctant. I think it was less about people knowing I was in a relationship and more about like the perceptions of someone when they're in a relationship. I think, so, I've been dating my boyfriend for, like I said, a year and a half, first like serious relationship, and sometimes I had my own insecurities about oh, being in a relationship and then like having a career, Like I didn't want to seem like the super my man, my man, my man girl who doesn't care about anything else, and so I think that was a big reason I was reluctant. And then I was like, ah, I don't know if I look good in that picture. Just like when you're on your partner's social I think you're really hyper aware of how you look and how other people might perceive you. And so I definitely think now we have check ins like oh do you like this photo? And can I post this? Like that's a very simple asset I think works a lot of the time. But I will say outside of just like the relationship dynamics, my boyfriend definitely does produce my social media's even outside of the stuff I post, I ask him about like a lot of.
Stuff like oh should I post this? Should I do that?
So I think we've really grown in that like comfortability when it comes to social media. And for myself, I don't think I have any like hard and fast rules. I just like to do what feels comfortable and generally, like I share a lot about my life, but I don't think it's like too for detail, like this is my boyfriend and we went here on XYZ date. It's just like, Okay, we took a nice picture. And he does film photos and videos and so it's always good to share those because they like look really nice. And so I think I've gone with the flow, but also been very assertive and like just.
Express what I'm not comfortable with when it pops up.
When my fiance had first started dating, it was at the height of the pandemic, so a lot of our dating was like inside the house. I didn't really think about posting. I did say after my most previous relationship, where I felt like I was embarrassed by my ex, I was like, not posting a man again until there's a ring. What's the CARDI line, there's no ring on my hands, You're not getting posted on the gram something. It started off as not wanting to share my relationship of a fear of embarrassment. I think sometimes women experienced that, Oh we post him, and then a week later, for whatever reason, ex girl and ex guy haveuddenly broke up. Right, Sometimes I feel like people are so into the know of people's relationships online just based off of what they shared. So it started off like that for me, and then as I started to get to know my partner and just learning to love him, it became a protective thing, like he was mine and I just wanted to keep him for myself, because you know, once you post something online, it becomes the internets, and I didn't want my man to be the Internet's man, so it just became a more intimate thing. This was the first relationship that I had ever been in where I felt like I had control, so to speak, in terms of posting online. He's also not really a social media person on Instagram, he really just posts the dogs and his shoes, and I appreciate that because I feel like, as a journalist and as a producer, my life exists online sometimes. So to have the option to manage what I wanted to share and that this was such an intimate thing that I got to choose became like my favorite part throughout the relationship. So then when I did share him, it was after he had proposed. It was after like our proposal photos came in, and it was like, what I think, the hardest launch that I'd ever done, And a lot of my friends would probably agree.
With me, Yeah, I think so. You know, when we started dating, I think the only platform I was really active on was Facebook, and so I'm pretty sure we had like an inner relationship with thing that then changed to engaged.
Once we got engaged.
And I definitely did share like wedding pictures on Facebook. But as the podcast has grown, people have recognized me and my family, more people have copied my page, so have made fake accounts with doctor Joy on it. And so I think I used to have pictures of like my husband and my kids on my definitely on my Instagram fee, but I've taken all of those down now because I did not want fake pages, especially with my kids pictures like just floating out in the ether. So now I'm very private, like I don't you know. Every now and then I would share something like maybe in stories, but never on the grid, just because I am like really weird about fake pages, having like my life documented in some kind of random way. But we've never had a conversation really about whether we needed to share online or anything. Again, I think much of that is related to the fact that we were married, so which earlier before social media was really popping like this. But you know, we kind of entered into this conversation with the idea of like a hard launch and a soft launch. But I'm not even sure how that kind of language entered into the lexicon, Like I feel like we need to do a little bit of digging into like where did that even come from? So it feels like the earliest experiences I remember of that kind of stuff is like people would take certain pictures and like you would see somebody's like arm in the picture, so that you knew they were with someone, but you didn't know who it was. And now it feels like it has very much become a thing. What are your thoughts around like the progression of this and like how we are seeing even the idea of like a soft launch and a hard launch, Like what has been your experience of the trajectory of those kinds of terms, even in your relationships and just on your social media pages, in your communities and your networks.
I love them. I am such a fan of any launch. When I launched my fiance, I was teasing all my close friends with my friends that it was going to be his probate. So I'm a really big fan of people taking control of what they feel like they have to push out. I feel we're so inundated with people sharing relationship goals and celebrity couples that even if we have the opportunity to decide when we want to share our person or how I'm a big fan, like please keep teasing us, give me the arm, give me the shoulder, give me a neck, give me half a face, don't give me a face. Clearly this person is excited enough about where they are and like their romantic life to even give us a little bit. And I'm just here for it. Like Valentine's Day, I feel like it's the ultimate, like launch day, Like if there was an Independence Day for launch days, it would be February fourteenth, or maybe Sweetest Day, but February fourteenth for sure. And I I just love that people feel open enough to do that, and it's become this cute, like little goofy internet trend. I'm all about it.
I love it too.
I think what is interesting is that Instagram really got popping in like twenty twelve, and that's that was right when I entered high school and people used to post anything back then, like nobody cared any and everything like this is what I ate for lunch today, And so it's interesting to see how on social media things like started off very free and I think then became very private, and now people are starting to share a little more and I think TikTok has helped that people feel a lot more comfortable being vulnerable. I also know, like a lot of people they reserve posting their partner to like a Fensta or a private Instagram separate from their public one, which I think is really great, and I, like Miela said, the ability to just control your own narrative, but then also at the same time like celebrate your love, celebrate your relationship, I think is really cool. But I'm always I'm a peeper, like who's that what's that arm? Who are they at the restaurant with? Oh, it's Valentine's Day, she's out of town and it's not a girls trip because I saw her friend with her man, so.
I know they're not.
But I think it's interesting and I think it's fun. But I do understand why people can be hesitant to just do something so hard, like oh my god, I'm dang this person, because we all know that there's like gossip when the post gets taken down, or when it's been three months and you haven't seen her him them, and like there's just all these questions, And I know that can cause a lot of anxiety for people, and I know it has for me, but you know, I want to save them for myself or I love them so much, just like I love what I cook for breakfast this morning, and it's that natural to my life, so I'm gonna share it, just like I share anything else.
So like at least I am a peeper. I'd be like, ooh, what they're doing? Who took that picture? Oh? Whose finger was that right there on the dinner table? And I think that is where the addiction of social media continues is because people, you know, they'll soft launch. This is my first time I've been using this in this context, but this is cool. And someone who is literally nosy and maybe I could be in that category based on the person will keep looking. Oh are they gonna share more? Are they gonna share more? I've experienced this with someone I know, and it's just like the reason why I felt that my heart to could keep looking is because they were hurt in the past. And it's like, all right, you know you were hurt. You were public about being hurt on social media, so now what are you going to share? This person? And then when they eventually did, I was happy for them and I told them that as well, that they took their time they went through their own process, and I'm assuming they're just like, I'm in it for myself and my happiness and joy.
So when we pose this question on our social media channels to that the TVG community way in overall like way, majority of people are like, just do not do it, like, don't share anything about your partner on social which I think is interesting, right, And you know, so even though a lot of people are saying like, don't do it, like, keep it to yourself, we do know that there are a lot of people who are sharing. So one of our Instagram community members say is, don't post anything that invites advice about your relationship and definitely consider, reconsider, and consider again before you follow any social media advice. And so I do think that this is an interesting conversation around what happens when you do share your partner, right. I feel like y'all have talked about like casually sharing your partners and Okay, if we go out somewhere, if there's a cute picture of us, like I share. But we also know that there are some like content creators and people who are just way more public about their relationships and maybe make couples content or you know those kinds of things, And so what do you think are the guidelines around because I think some would argue when you make couples content, like are you inviting the internet into your relationship in some ways?
Right?
So if all you're talking about on your channels or how you make decisions in your relationship, or like these are the things we do to strengthen our relationship or whatever it is, are you then inviting advice and like commentary on your relationship or should there still be some boundaries around how you, as somebody who's consuming the content interact with somebody who shares couples content.
So when you post anything on social media, you are inviting others unless you choose that disable feature don't comment on it, you are opening your ears, opening your heart to just taking commentary, no matter as negative a positive. And when it comes to your partner, I think both of you have to be on that same page because if not, then it's gonna be some happening. And the ultimate goal is just like you need to be happy for you and be prepared. And as you mentioned before, some people be like, oh, what's happening? Are they still together? At least mention that are they still together. People are gonna be commented. People will write on a comment, I saw you with this person before, where are they now? It's like goodness, gracious so to me, social media just like the newspaper. Before social media was a thing, the news was in our hand. It's like pretty much a broadcast. So you are inviting people to be in your life for sure, which is weird, but.
Yeah, I'm with you, Naisha. Once once you hit posts, that content is no longer yours. I remember the day that I shared our proposal photos. It was after my fiance and I have gone Tai Kia, and I think we were sitting in like shake shack or something, and I said, Okay, I'm gonna post it. I'm gonna put my phone down, And before I even had a chance to put my phone down, my notifications started going off. And then I think, like after a week or two, you know when sometimes depending on certain Instagram accounts, you can see the insights. I saw the insight and that was a big mistake. Like the photos had been shared like four hundred times, and it made me so anxious because instantly my mind is like so and so sent it to so and So's friend I wonder what they're saying, you know, and obviously we don't have that kind of access to people's thoughts. But it made me really anxious for a couple of days, and I was like, Okay, this is what happens when I don't share this intimate parts of my life for a really long time, and then I do and it feels like the Internet has crashed. So I'm with you, Naisha. I think part of it is like protecting peace but also understanding if you're going to bring people into your joy, into the happiness parts of your life. There's always in the back of my mind, there's always like a third eye somewhere that's wondering what are people's intentions with this? Do they have good thoughts and just good vibes about what I'm sharing? But working on that through in therapy.
I relate a thousand percent. I think something I've had to get over. It's like, well, if I'm gonna share it, people are gonna talk about it, and that's for anything. So like I shared that Therapy for Black Girls want a Webby Award and people talked about it, and I know, so maybe if I have or post a selfie and I have a pimple, people will be like, oh, look at her cheek or something like that, and so you have to take the good and the bad with social media. But I definitely would say don't look at the insights because I think the first time I posted.
My boyfriend was.
Like full photo, like this is why I'm dating, was on his birthday and it got like thirty shares and I was like, and this was just on the story, and I was like, oh my god. I knew people were gonna see it, but having thirty people like send somebody else and talk about that's too much for me. I also think about, and I said this earlier, when he's posted me and people will say and it's funny.
We were at dinner one time and.
He posted me and this girl replied to the story was like, I didn't know you had a sister, and I thought it was super shady, and he was like, he doesn't know if he shady.
I'm like, it was, it was.
And so it's just little inter actions like that that maybe for like two or three weeks, will have him be like I don't want to be perceived online. Nobody's gonna know anything about me. But at the same time, I'm like people could say the same thing as I'm walking down the street. We also do like a lot of professional things together and had to like talk about like are they going to know if we're dating and things like that and kind of managing that. And so we're like in a fairly like new relationship. It's only been a year and a half, but it's been really grounding to have like these conversations earlier rather than later, especially like as like conflict can arise or just as life comes at you.
More from my conversation with the team after the break, Have you heard? My first book, Sisterhood Heels, is available for pre order right now at Sisterhoodheels dot com. Grab your copy to learn more about what role you play in your sister circles, why difficult conversations can make relationships closer, and steps to take when it's time to end a friendship. We'll have lots to talk about this summer, and you don't want to miss it. Pre Order your copy of Sisterhood Heels right now at Sisterhoodheels dot com. I feel like it has been a while since I have checked any stats on like social media and the impact of like technology on relationships. But I know at one point there was like a high rate of like marital dissatisfaction and like discord in relationships related to stuff like Facebook, right, because when Facebook first started and people were like reconnecting with like high school crushes and people that you maybe hadn't seen in years, right, like maybe you run into them, like when you go back to your hometown. But like Facebook and the advent of social media really made that much easier to connect with all these people from your past. And so hearing y'all talk about it is making me think of the increase, Like it just feel like it escalates all these different kinds of things you have to weigh in relationships now that like technology in these networks are so much more a part of our lives. You know, I hadn't even thought about the angle that you and Mila at least talked about in terms of checking insights, but I definitely have heard that like just related to other things, right. But I do think when people check enticing, they realize like that there is so much interest in their partner or love life or whatever. That is what then encourages them to maybe make more Right. So I hear you both saying like, oh, this made me like really anxious, and I feel like I need to like pay attention to not doing that. But I think for some people it has the opposite impact in that, you know, if you're especially if you're trying to monetize your socials in some ways, right, Like, people get really excited about that, and so then that makes them want to share more. So I think that that's really something interesting to consider because I had not thought about that, like whether seeing how much you know somebody sharing about your love like on a particular post makes you more anxious or does it make you want to share more about that.
Doctor Joey, I'd love to weigh in on that. As I mentioned, my wife and I have a business page literally two mommy's and the baby that's. I was like, we're going to be this and it started from my personal page, and I said, oh my god, people like seeing us together. Let's monetize this. Because our children's book came out, so we had to create something for the children's book and people just started saying thank you for having this page. We had teenagers dm us and saying thank you for being open. You make me feel comfortable with myself and things like that. Wrong joy. So I did use that to an advantage and still to this day, this is one person who's been following us for years and she's like Abigail, our daughter, Abiyel is so big now, and I'm like, goodness, it's crazy. She knew like she knew Abiyil when Abyel was in a womb. According to social media. Never met this person in person. But we invited people into our lives. We weren't doing it intentionally, but we're like, oh, it's working out in our favor, which have given us different entrepreneurial goals and opportunities to meet. And we did, like you know, from being booked on TV shows and being even more comfortable in the LGBT community, like we are a voice. So it worked to our advantage and I'm still working it to my advantage. So that's my take on social media.
Yeah, and see, I think that makes sense, right, Like then you realize like, okay, this is how I can monetize this in this very particular way, right, Like we make a book and we you know, advertise around it. So the other commentary our community really talked about was the model that Lisa has shared as well, as Carrie Washington, Right, So we didn't even know Lisa. Well. I think some people had seen pictures of like Lisa and her now husband at like random events, like there were a couple of pictures, but like she really popped out with a whole wedding and then even made a joke about it like, oh, this was a production, you know kind of thing, which I think speaks to this idea of like wanting to really take control of the narrative. And Carrie Washington, I believe maybe did she share wedding pictures at some point, but she definitely has not shared her kids. So it definitely feels like it is a continue of those early conversations that Beyonce talks about having Oprah had told her like make sure to save some stuff for yourself, right, and like to be very careful about talking about your relationship. So what do you think about Like the celebrities who really kind of it feels like, have taken control of this and really have not done any kind of launching at all, have been very very protective around their relationships.
ASA's goals. I aspire to be like Acera. I aspired. I feel like I cracked under pressure self pressure. I love what is ray did? I love the Carrie Washington like doesn't really post photos of like her and her husband who is also in the industry, or their kids. I think having that control when your life is so public. Celebrities don't owe us anything, like I know that they're in the business of performing, but I appreciate like a certain level and attention to privacy in my own life. I feel like I'm my own celebrity, like I'm the main character, So I try to exude that same methodology when I share things. I imagine if I ever have the blessing and the honor to be someone's parent, that I too will be like hesitant or careful or apprehensive to share my own kids. I think the same way. Like you mentioned Doctor Joy, You're privacy right. Anything can be screenshot online and I'm not at like doctor joy fame where people are making fake pages about me and my family. But I imagine if I was, I too would be very careful about what I shared. I think it also speaks to and this is slightly related, but when people share where they are like in real time, I don't do that, like as a woman, I don't do that, but We've seen how sharing where you are in real time has led to tragedies in celebrities lives, for example. So yeah, there's just a level of like and I think in care that I take to what I post when I post it, how I post it, and it's not within it with the intention of it being curated or being fake, but it's with the intention of protecting my peace and keeping me safe.
I constantly go back to a Beyonce quote from her spread in Harper's Bazaarre where she says who I am is reserved for the people I love and trust. Those who don't know me, have never met me, and who have never met me my interpret that as being closed off. I just really love that entire spread, and she was talking about privacy and not sharing her kids, and I think that's something I really resonate with, and I respect celebrities for that as well. And like Miela said, like we all are our own celebrities in our lives. But I think it's great to just have a little something for you, And it can be really hard, especially now when your profile as like a professional is like mixed in with your social media profiles and like that can help grow your career, and it's like it feels like people have.
To be like personalities to be successful.
And so I always do look at other creators, influencer celebrities and like, how are they kind of managing leveraging their talent and their craft with like all this other stuff that's cool about them to like grow professionally as people but also save a little that's like intimate for themselves. And I think Issa has really done that so beautifully. Like we know she was at Coachella and they were turned up doing all the foolishness and all the ratchetness, but she saved her wedding and those photos and had to be like a production, like you said, And so that balance is really cool, And I'm glad a lot of celebrities, especially black women celebrities, have taken their power back from the paparazzi, from the blogs, from places like the Shade Room who comment on people's kids, who like can encourage negative commentary, and so I think it's really great. And some people might think it's like prissy or you know, bougie or being stuck up, but I think it's protecting our piece, especially when as black women, people are very critical of us, especially when it comes to like how big you got after having a baby and a snap back and did her baby daddy che on her?
Whatever? Whatever, And so I love seeing people kind of take that power back.
So when Mielo was mentioned a location, I tried because it's I don't even know why it's a thing, but we like, we want to share it. So what I try to do is I'll just get the brand name. Like we were at sky Zoned and I was like, Skyzone, but not this one because there's like seventeen of them. But Abigail's school, it's brand new, and they've been asking us to post it. I'm not posting it. And I'm part of the volunteer team. Of course, I want to be involved in everything. And they were like, you know, we're going to be handing out flyers, great, I can do that. You want me to canvas, I can do that. But they were like, Okay, can you post us on your social media? And I respectfully said no, I'm not, it's not happening. So that is an invite. That is literally an invite for anything.
Doctor Joy, Can I ask you a question?
Yeah?
Is that okay? I'm curious. Hey, I know you already spoke to you know, your prime to see and fake pages and your startup. I get it, but how as someone who is so public, I mean, people can close their eyes and know when your voice sounds, Like, how do you protect your peace when it comes to social media? How do you choose what to share and one not to share? Obviously, your content is largely focused around therapy for black girls, so maybe there is a separation with family, but I'm sure there are people that want to know who doctor joy is, and who doctor Joyce a husband is, and her kids and so on and so forth.
You know, it's so funny that you asked that me, Ella, because I was thinking about that as at least was talking about it. Does feel like there is this pressure now to kind of like share who you are as a way of advancing your career. And in some ways I'm kind of thankful that like I grew up so to speak, and had a career before like there was that pressure. I'm also laughing because my husband jokes that he is the third most googled search for doctor Joy. It's so funny people will search like I think around like where I go to school with sorority I'm in and then like move my husband, which is so funny because he produces for the podcast, so like he's very much a part of what's happening. I think because again I have really kind of come of age and become a mom and all of these things, Like before social media was really big, I don't really think about like when I want to share pictures of my kids, like I share it in my family group chat, like I don't necessarily even think so always share them on social like it is not my first instinct, but I do feel like there has been when you hear marketing classes and you know, like different kinds of things, especially as I'm in like book sale mode right now, right, like about people buying things from people they know, like and trust, right, And so in my mind, you're listening to me every week, like I feel like you know the things about me that I really want people to know. But I do think probably like I may have more downloads or like more followers if I shared more about my family and my relationship and my kids and those kinds of things. I'm just not really interested in that though, because it just doesn't feel comfortable to me, Like you, Naisha, like I'm not sharing anything about like where they go to school or where we you know, like now of course when we go to spring break or whatever. Like i will share usually like the backs of them when we're doing stuff. But I'm not at all interested in like my family becoming like a huge part of the brand, just because that doesn't feel comfortable to me. So we started this conversation by talking about how we were all so excited about like Jalen and Monette, but I think we also like know the boundaries around like what to say to somebody online who you don't actually know, right, So like we are all like, oh, this is so cute, and like, oh, they finally you know a public or whatever. But y'all have all shared instances where you've seen people in comments say things that are like do you really know these people? And so I'm curious to just to hear what you all think is happening that people do feel so free to comment as if they actually know influencers are content creators or celebrities in ways that life feel very familiar when they do not know these people beyond the tiktac or on Instagram.
We've talked a little bit about like parasocial relationships and our producer meetings. And I think it's the frequency at which we see someone. So I know there are influencers who I follow who if I'm scrolling on TikTok, I will see them at least once a day. I don't even see I don't The only person I see one today is my boyfriend because I live with him, and maybe I don't know the guy at the bodega if I'm going there all the time. And so when you have that routine in your life, you do start to feel comfortable with someone. You know the layout of their kitchen maybe, or the vanity where they're getting dressed. And it can be almost a little scary living in the same city as an influencer and it's like, oh, I know where that coffee shop is, and oh, I recognize that core power location. And so I've seen social media work in like great ways where people have built friendships and you see influencers link up or like I've had Black Women podcast producers reach out to me and it's like, Hey, do you want to chat get coffee?
And it's like that's great.
But I do think it just seems very invasive when I see people comment, and so I think it's because of the routine in which we see them. And then I think another part of that is sometimes people can take advantage of how much people share. And so there is a food content creator I follow who's a black woman. I forgot her name, but she's getting a divorce and it she shared so much about like moving in with her partner and they moved across the country and did all these things together, and she made a TikTok and was like, I don't want to talk about it. I just want to, like, you know, start this new chapter, like I'm grieving on my own. And every TikTok since then, people are still asking questions, questions, questions, And so it's sad because I know some people will try to use that as and I told you so well. You shared X y Z in the past, so of course people will think that you can share this, And so I do think sometimes people will cross these digital boundaries and a lot of influencers have to be very hard and fast and say, you know what, I don't want to talk about this, and not all the time is it respected.
So we've invited people to be in our lives as soon as we put something on social media, it's like, hey, do you like this? Are you ready to comment? Please? Share? Boom? Do it please? Then there's been times where you know, someone will put something up and they'll take it down because they'll regret it possibly or they feel some different type of way and not regret necessarily. So as soon as something goes up, it's like, here, let's talk about it. And this is why celebrities don't owe us anything, as Mila mentioned, but they're hoping to become more private because people are just over there talking. For example, the Shade Room, it was a little girl, she's from Princess and Tierras, one of those little girls, Honeyboobo child. So she's had her prom and they put her picture up. What do y'all think about this? What the heck? She's a child, like she's graduating from high school. Why are we talking about her? What's the point? But her mom did put her on TV and it's like you're literally inviting them in for a form of entertainment for people to comment. So it's like hard, like what do we do? You either put it up or don't. And one more thing I want to add. It's so interesting, you know, we're hanging out this weekend with the Sister Circle, and some people don't want to be on social media, so we have to give to that. We're all going to talk about it. I'm happy about that. And then I haven't had Snapchat since like I don't know, two thousand and fourteen, fifteen, I don't remember, and someone mentioned, yeah, I'm gonna put us on Snapchat. Is that okay? And I was like, well, I haven't had it, but I'm going to download it just so I can have fun. So we can just be fun together, because not everybody you know, steps outside to even be on social media.
Sometimes I feel like there are some unspoken rules to social media. Instagram doesn't have, you know, like one through fifty of like how to how to share your content, or like what to do or what not to do. Someone needs to do a case study about the stock of joy. I'm sure you know somebody, but I think one of the unspoken rules is that, yeah, when you post something online and like no longer becomes yours anymore. It becomes like this web, this microcosm of like everyone else that's posting something. These days, I feel like it's a lot easier to get like more negative comments on TikTok because TikTok is like silks, very questionable space, like we're still trying to figure out what it is, whereas like Instagram, it's so much easier to just reach your friends as opposed to like other people. And I also feel like folks sometimes are just haters and oftentimes pray on people's downfall. And I think that's also why people are so hesitant to like share their like setbacks or their downfalls, right. They don't want folks to know when they've been like down. But sometimes I feel as though that's what people are searching for, and that's why negative comments come up. Like there was a trend on TikTok where people showed what they're before and afters were for their hardline, so I participated as a hard launch expert now in my mind, and one of the first comments that I got, we're so negative. A guy was like, oh, like, who do you think you are? Why do you think you're the main character of your life? Whatever? Whatever, whatever, And it took me back to I think my reply was slightly petty, and I just quoted part of what Tabitha Brown had said to Wendy Williams when Wendy Williams spoke so negatively about Tabitha Brown and her relationship with her husband. At this point, I just pray for the hitters because I'm good where I'm at and I love who I'm with. But if y'all feel like you have to say something negative, like go visit www dot Therapy for Black Girls dot com.
More from my conversation with the team after the break. Have you heard? My first book, sisterhod Heels, is available for pre order right now at Sisterhoodheels dot com. Grab your coffee to learn more about what role you play in your sister circles, why difficult conversations can make relationships closer, and steps to take when it's time to end a friendship. We'll have lots to talk about this summer, and you don't want to miss it. Pre Order your copy of Sisterhood Heels right now at sisterhood Heels dot com. I do think it's interesting because even as we have talked, like even if I think about my own evolution and like relationship to social media like Facebook, like I keep talking about, like what's the big thing when I was really coming of age, and it feels like it very much was for like friends and family, so it felt okay to kind of like share about your relationship and your kids and whatever, because it feels like people that you actually know like that you could actually call or like email and they would answer back. Whereas now I think because monetization and like different opportunities and things have come from social media, it feels like we very much view it as a entertainment, right. It feels like content as opposed to an extension of your relationships with people that you actually know in real life. And so I think that is what makes it easier, you know, just like we have commentary about like some of our favorite shows, like all the episodes we did about Insecure, we just did an episode about on Prison, right, Like we talk about these characters because they're characters, and I think now people are kind of perceiving real people as characters, which then invites this commentary as if they're just like watching a soap opera. But it's not. It's actual people's lives. So I do think it is important to remind ourselves that you're not actually watching an episode of Insecure when you are watching somebody's TikTok, like these are real people with real feelings and to be mindful of the boundaries and like would you say that to them if you saw them in person? And if not, it's probably not a good idea to leave it as a comment either. So the thing that we have not talked about is like what happens when a relationship ends on social media?
You e.
Miela have already talked about, like you know, having a previous relatelationship, and you know, I do think there is some thinking around like, Okay, I'm maybe not gonna share pictures because if this doesn't work out, then I don't have to take them all down. But what are the rules around there? Like I feel like people approach those differently, Like sometimes people would just leave pictures and videos up because it's like, okay, that was a part of my past. And then other times people will go through and delete everything and you know all of that, So what are people's thoughts about that.
I saw a TikTok from a creator his name is Therapy Jeff, and he was like five questions you should ask before you get in a relationship, and one of them was what are our rules on social media? And then like how will we break up, and I thought like, okay, those are kind of related questions in today's environment. So I think I was one of the people who was like, I don't want to post on social media because I was always anticipating, like, Okay, what if we break up?
How am I going to handle that? And personally, I.
Don't not manifesting the end of my relationship, so I try not to think about it. But I am very supportive of girls who I scroll through their page. I'm like, Okay, this was the two eighteen person, this was twenty twenty two, and I'm like, people just keep it up, and I'm like, it's just like their life. Like I know there are things I wore in twenty eighteen I would never wear again, but it's still on my page because it's an extension of me. And so I think that is a really freeing way to look at relationships and look at life in general. But then I know for some people, even with friendships, once somebody's out their life, they're unliking every photo of the person, making sure that they're not tagged in anything related to the person, and so it's like, I get it. I think people in breakup they talk about no contact and I think that can be an extension of no contact. I don't want to be reminded of them, have kind of any trace that'll lead me to like possibly hitting them up thinking about them again. And then some people are just like you know what, it's life. It ebbs and flows, and this is just one piece of that.
I like that, Elise, and that's interesting. I don't know that I've ever come across like a friend or like a community person's page where they leave up old photos of like their partner. I feel like when the relationship ends, people are so quick to delete a archive because they want their grid to be a reflection of who they are, and like that person is no longer a part of who they are. Like you, I do not think about the ending of my relationship. That's not an option. But what I told a homegirl of mine was that if she was in a relationship and it ended, I think she should just do what celebrities do, put out a press release. So and so are no longer together doing differences at that point, right, folks are not gonna go looking like why they ended. They're not gonna go see why said posts were archived or are no longer on the grid, just let folks know we are no longer together. I'm happy to write said plush releases for my friends.
The conscious uncoupling, make a nice layout, a nice little carousel in the comments, the heartbreak moji, some bittersweet news.
But you know, I've.
Actually seen people do that right now. What's interesting though, is that, of course, like depending on the algorithm, certain people are not going to see it right, and so then they just realize like, oh, I haven't seen so and so in you know, some weeks, and then maybe they go back to your grid and try to find the statement or whatever, or go back to the TikTok and see. But I've actually seen couples, you know, especially people who have done like lots of couples content. They will typically make like a video or some kind of thing saying, you know, we are kind of going our separate ways. Please restrict our privacy. Of course nobody does, but they do at least make the effort to let their community people and you know, people who have followed their pages know that the breakup has happened.
That's something that Sam and I what was me? I brung it up? I was like, what if we break up? And she was again she doesn't really care about the social media world. But I would put something public out because it's rather that than people talking, especially since we've built a community online. I think it's also as former respect because if my favorite person just cut, I'm like, dang, what happened? You know, because we are community online, and you know, I just want to give them that love back. But to me, it's just like planning for the future. So I would definitely put out announcement.
So is there anything about like online behavior and stuff that we haven't discussed that y'all think is important to touch on.
I'm very curious and this is maybe something we post like to the audience to comment when we release the episode. Is for people who are like more casually dating, how do they approach that? Like if you have a date with Bob G on Thursday, but Bob G sees a hand on Tuesday, are they gonna be upset?
And like, how do you navigate that?
Technically?
You know, being single with dating multiple people and maybe you have intentions with someone. So I'm curious about that. For people who are like dating more casually, how they navigate that? And I'm thinking of the TikToker who I love Clark. She talks about all her different dating experiences very openly on TikTok and I respect it because it's a model for other girls on kind of how to maneuver these situations. But I'm wondering, it's like, do these guys ever see what you're talking about? And so for people who aren't at the stage and like, oh, having very serious and concrete conversations about like boundaries and social media, do people ever come to you and are like, I don't like that you've said that you were going on a dating They could see my risk and my watch or see the logo on my vest or something like that.
That I think is a really really good conversation because I do feel like there is something to be said around like casual dating also becoming content right, Like you will see people share like screenshots of like a text message thread that they've had with somebody, and then they will ask like the internet to like weigh in, like or was I wrong or you know that kind of thing, and it is, you know, like depending on how long you date, like you could have a very thriving like public persona and somebody you're dating not even know about that for a while, right, because they may not be online, and so, you know, it does feel like some early conversations almost need to be had around like your comfort and being on somebody else's social media, even from like a first date.
My mom, she's young and she's into social media, and her fiance is not in the same age, but he's not into social media, and she loves it. She goes, Naisha, I'm so happy he's not on social media. I'm so happy I ain't gotta worry about nothing. So when hearing of that, I'm happy that she got joy out of that. So it's an unseen I guess conversation.
Mm hmm, I guess that is us follow up question or common about that. Was there ever a point where you've wish, like, oh, I wish I was dating someone or who wasn't on social media at all?
I do love that my husband is on social but not really really on social right, like, so he will you know, primarily post about like the kids, and most of his followers and community are like people he's worked with and like people he's met through the podcast or whatever, and so it's still relatively small. So I love that he's like on, but not really really on.
One question that I would love the community to answer is is is it a deal breaker if the person that you're dating or the person that you're in a relationship with doesn't want to post you on social media or doesn't want to post aspect of your relationships. I asked this because the guy that I was seeing prior to my fiance, it was a time when I was insecure and there were so many nuances, but I shared intimate aspects of our relationship and he wouldn't. Like you could go on my Instagram and I was in a relationship, you would go on his and you wouldn't know that he was. And that was an issue for me. Granted two three years later, it's not and I love that, but it took growth. I wanted to feel seen and I wanted like people to know that he was in a relationship. Whereas for him, he thought that as long as he knew he was in a relationship, it didn't matter who else knew, right, So I'm curious where people follow on that.
So that was Sam's reaction. She said, why do I need to tell other people I'm in a relationship? I know, but she doesn't post on social media at all. So if you post your sports, your outings and I'm not on it, then I'm gonna have an issue. I'm gonna have an issue.
I think I used to feel actually very much like scared of being posted, and then I went to the extreme. It's like, Okay, now that I have been I kind of got used to it, and now I'm like, oh, it doesn't really matter.
Like, I know I'm a relationship.
He knows it, people who follow both of us know it, and so it's more like a free for all. But I think I'm the type of person if we take a cute picture together, everyone needs to see it.
So the post thing really depends on whether you love the picture.
Yes, But I think it's because I feel like we take so many like selfies or like send each other photos individually, so when we get a good one together, I'm like, oh, this is such a good moment, Like I do want to share it and I really appreciate it. But you know, I see so much online about like oh if he doesn't post you, it means x y Z. But I do think some people like that part of their life just seems more private. They want to have more control over it. They may have been hurt in the past and kind of like hiding their partner from the world, not hiding the world, or whatever the saying is. I think everyone has their own reason. I do understand how someone could have a lot of anxiety and feel like it's very shady, like you post everything else, but you won't post me. And I also think that fees into something I said before, like before you're dating someone or just in general, your social media is tied to a certain persona of you, and some people in their mind they love you and they want to be with you, but like other people perceiving them as like the boyfriend or the girlfriend or the partner, it can be very overwhelming and they don't want people to think like their life is just that. So I do get it. But I do understand how some people it's like, oh, do people like flirt with you on Instagram? And so if you post your partner, you don't get that attention anymore, and you want that attention, And so I think there are just so many different dynamics. So I am interested to hear what our listeners have to say about that.
Yeah, so we do feel like this is an episode that there will be lots of feedback about and we are excited to hear your thoughts. If you agree with us, if you disagree, have different thoughts around how you handle social media and the dating world, whether you're casually dating seriously dating. We definitely want you to wait in so make sure you use the hashtag tbg in session and participate in the conversation. Let us know your thoughts. So we will wrap up by all of you sharing where people can find you online. If you do want to be found online.
I love that, Doctor Joey, thank you for giving us that option. You can find me on Instagram and TikTok at me la fatu m I E l A F E t A W.
Doctor, thanks for letting us share that I am at two mommies and the baby on Instagram only because I'm not in a TikTok street that is two mommies and a baby.
I am at e L l I C E l l I s elise Ls, but the e's are connected on Instagram and then on TikTok it's Leasycakes so l l I c E y cakes and I post about therapy for black girls on there. I share a lot about Therapy for Black Girls on there, so definitely follow.
That perfect well. We will be short to include all of that in the show notes. Thank y'all for joining me for this very exciting conversation. I really appreciate it.
We appreciate you, Doc Joy, thank you.
Yes, I'm so glad Alis, Niasha and Miela were able to join me for this episode. To learn more about them, visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session three oh four, and don't forget to text two of your girls right now to encourage them to check out the episode. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, check out our therapist directory at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com slash directory. And if you want to continue to get into this topic or just be in community with other sisters, come on over and join us in the Sister Circle. It's our cozy corner of the Internet designed just for black women. You can join us at community dot Therapy for Black Girls dot com. This episode was produced by Frieda Lucas and Elise Ellis and editing was done by Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon.
Take good care.
What have you heard?
My first book, Sisterhood Heels, is available for pre order right now at sisterhood Heels dot com. Grab your copy to learn more about what role you play in your sister circles, why difficult conversations can make relationships closer, and steps to take when it's time to end a friendship. We'll have lots to talk about this summer, and you don't want to miss it. Pre Order your copy of Sisterhood Heels right now at sisterhood Heels dot com