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Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast, where we discussed all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session thirty nine of the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts. This past weekend was the Golden Globes and one of my favorite actresses, Viola Davis, who looked stunning in her dress and beautiful afro, was interviewed on the red carpet about why she felt it was important to stand in solidarity with the Time's Up campaign launched by several Hollywood women. During her remarks, she mentioned that she wanted to stand with all the faceless, nameless victims out there still struggling with knowing their worth after a sexual assault. She stated there's no prerequisite to worthiness, You're born worthy. I found this statement both incredibly powerful and ironic because we had just been discussing self worth and self esteem in the Thrive Tribe, and much of the sentiment around self esteem and self worth seems to center on this idea that outside influences can help us to develop an internal process. But of course, if it comes from the outside, then it can always go away. But if we fully step into owning that we are worthy despite anything else in our lives, this is where our power lies. So I wanted to share three quick things that I think we often confuse with worthiness. Number one, our accomplishments, So degrees and promotions and accolades. All of those things are incredible and very nice, but they do not dictate our worth. I think it can be easy to get really caught up in achieving that we forget and begin to allow these things to define us. Number two our possessions. Have you ever stopped to really think about why you drive the type of car you do, or why you wear certain brands? Is it truly about what you enjoy and desire? Or is it an attempt to prove something to maybe the world or yourself? And finally, number three our relationships, and this is probably the biggest one for us as women, because society is big on telling us that despite all the amazing qualities we might have or don't matter how great we are, none of that really matters if we are not partnered, childless, or heaven forbid both. The world has done such an incredible job of feeding us this narrative that quite often we actually believe it. So if no one else has told you, I want to be the first to let you know that you are not defined by who you are as a partner or a non partner, or by whether someone calls you mommy. One of the most life changing books I've read in recent years is Self Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff, and if you haven't grabbed this one, then I definitely think you want to give it a look. The entire book, in her platform, is all about treating ourselves more gently and softer, and much like we would treat a best friend. I want to share a short clip from an article on her website entitled why we should stop chasing self esteem and start developing self compassion. She says self compassion involves being kind to ourselves when life goes awry or we notice something about ourselves we don't like, Rather than being cold or harshly self critical, it recognizes that the human condition is imperfect, so that we feel connected to others when we fail or suffer, rather than feeling separate or isolated. It also involves mindfulness, the recognition and non judgmental acceptance of painful emotions as they arise in the present moment, rather than suppressing our pain or else making it into an exaggerated personal soap opera. We see ourselves in our situation. Clearly, self compassion doesn't demand that we evaluate ourselves positively or that we see ourselves as better than others. Rather, the positive emotions of self compassion kick in exactly when self esteem falls down, when we don't meet our expectations are failed in some way. This means that the sense of intrinsic self worth inherent in self compassion is highly stable. It is constantly available to provide us with care and support in times of need. So if you are thinking that developing a stronger sense of self worth and self compassion is something that you could benefit from, then again I highly recommend you check out Dr Kristen nets work her website is self hyphen compassion dot org um and of course this information will be included in the show notes. The link to the article I read from as well as her website UM and you can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash session thirty nine. She also has some really cool exercises that you can do so that you can start putting this information and into practice. I also wanted to spend some time today answering and on the porch question and those questions, of course, are the ones that you all send me to the inbox asking for feedback or suggestions about a particular situation. And this letter states I'm such a nice, happy person generally, but confrontation really bothers me. I feel like my desire to be non confrontational is really harming me, especially in my relationship. I'm so worried about his feelings, whether what I say may be interpreted a certain way, that I put my own feelings and opinions on the back burner in order to be nice. I often end up feeling worse because I can't bring myself to speak. I would love to hear your feedback and guidance on this, so thank you so much for writing in and I am sure that the concern that you're having is one that many sisters can relate to. I think many of us are taught as a little girl that niceness is tantamount to being anything else, and it does not often serve as well as we grow up because it results in us silencing ourselves for the sake of niceness. But I also think that many of us hide behind the guise of niceness because sometimes asking for what we want and deserve can be uncomfortable, and we don't want to push ourselves past the discomfort. So I wanted to call attention to a couple of things that you mentioned in your letter. First, you said, I feel like my desire to be non confrontational is harming me, and I often end up feeling worse because I can't bring myself to say anything. So I want to invite you to think about if you see a difference between being confrontational and assertive, because I definitely think you can be assertive and speak up for what you need and want without there having to be a confrontation. I also encourage you to think about where this pattern came from for you. Do you think this is a long held but leave from childhood. Do you notice that you struggle with speaking up for yourself in multiple areas or is it just in this relationship? And if it is just in this relationship, I wonder what system has been developed between the two of you that allows this to continue and actually thrives on your silence. Another thing I'd like to call your attention to is that you mentioned that you worry what you say will be misinterpreted the wrong way, which leads me to believe that this has happened before. I wonder if there is an opportunity for you to revisit these misunderstandings. And is this a case of you needing to be clearer with the points that you make to your partner or is this a case of no matter what, your points won't be clear enough. Now, of course I have very limited information to go off here, but it concerns me anytime I hear a sister actively silencing themselves because it just can lead to so many other issues. So I'd really encourage you to work on this now that you know that this is a thing for you, um, so that you can really begin to use and own your voice. One book that might be really helpful for you is the Assertiveness Guide for Women and I definitely hope that this helps, and please let me know if there's an update and let me know how it goes. If you have a question or a situation that you'd like some feedback about, please send it over to me at podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls dot com and your question may be answered on the air. So if you picked up a new tip from this episode, or if you do get a chance to check out Dr Net's work, I'd love to hear what you think about it. Please share your thoughts with us on social media. Make sure to use the hashtag tv G in session. And i'd like to again thank you all so much for spreading the word about the podcast. Just last week we have the huge mouthstone of hitting half a million downloads, and I know this couldn't have happened without y'all going so hard for the podcast, so I really really appreciate it. Keep telling new people about the podcast. Text someone new that you haven't told about it, and keep sharing them in your inst stories, every share accounts, and it helps us get the word out about the podcast. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, make sure to check out the therapist directory. You can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And you've already heard me mentioned the incredible conversations that we're having in the thrive tribe, So if you want to join us in the Facebook group to continue some of these discussions, you can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe and make sure that you are following us across social media so that you can keep up with important updates and general happenings. You can find us on Twitter at Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls. Thank you all again so much for joining me this week, and I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take good here