Session 161: Parenting In A Pandemic

Published Jun 24, 2020, 7:00 AM

The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.

Parenting through the past couple of months has been nothing short of stressful. So Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart joins us again to help us through it. Dr. Lockhart and I chatted about the benefits of routines and structure right now, managing your own and your child’s anxiety about cities re-opening, what kinds of things we should be considering about school in the fall, and how to have conversations with our kids and our schools about racism and racial trauma.

 

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This is a very special edition of our Challenge Show, brought to you by Hi. Hi, you need and what types of things did you do today? I blame blame to with my brother. I am Yeah, well my brother and watching YouTube. Yeah well my brother edith Net Yeah, well my brother. And that's the end of our show. Please make sure to like and subscribe. I hope you like Okay Challenge show. Okay, now I want to here. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girl's podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session one six one of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. Fellow parents in the community, I am sure you feel me when I say this. Past couple of months have been rough, so today Dr and Louise Lockhart is back to chat about what it looks like to parent through a pandemic. Dr Lockhart is a pediatric psychologist, parent coach, and the business own are of a New Day Pediatric Psychology in San Antonio, Texas. Born and raised on the island of St. Croix in the US Virgin Islands in the Caribbean, Dr Lockhart has a doctorate in clinical psychology and is Board certified in clinical child and Adolescent psychology. She's worked in both military and civilian settings. Dr Lockhart and I chatted about the benefits of routine and structure right now, managing your own and your child's anxiety about cities reopening, what kinds of things we should be considering about school in the fall, and how to have conversations with our kids and our schools about racism and racial trauma. If you hear something while listening that resonates with you, please be sure to share it with us on social media using the hashtag TBG in session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for joining us again today, Dr Lockhart, you for inviting me. Yes, always a pleasure to chat with you, and I was like, we gotta get her back because the last time you shared such great information about coregulation, right, and that was before all of our lives got turned upside down, right, So exactly like I have been trying to listen to the episode on repeat, like, Okay, how can I call regulate today? Because it feels like all that good stuff you shared, I'm really struggling to try to figure out. And I would imagine that lots of other parents are too, So I'm curious just to hear how the pandemic and everything that has been happening has really just kind of up ended everything we were doing in terms of parenting. Oh yeah, definitely. I mean before all this happened. I mean, as you know, and as some people know or may not know, is that when you are needing to prepare for a life altering event, many times we have some kind of preparation right, or we know that it's coming, or at least have an idea, have some kind of file system past experience for something similar, right, And then this pandemic hit and we're like, wait, um wait, I don't have a file for pandemics. I don't know what to do when a global I mean, I've seen movies on it, but I don't know what I was supposed to do. And so I think what has caused such such an upheaval is because for many people, like for here in Texas, we were literally on spring break and ending it when we heard the news, and then we told our kids, hey, guys, spring break is extended, and then like hey, and then I'm like it's extended some more. And then like okay, they're like, so when are we going back? And I'm like, probably in April, okay, maybe nay, okay, maybe August, right, And so I think that we we really didn't know how to prepare, like how do you prepare for being at home with your spouse and your kids nons up m and then maybe not be able to go to work or work differently teach your kids. I mean, it was, it was a crazy adjustment. It was. It was very difficult. And I think that's what makes it so much harder that we didn't have anything to relate it to and no kind of system to compare it to. Mm hmmm. Yeah. And that's what I have found, I think, just so overwhelming. You know, Like I said, our last conversation talked about like how important it is to make sure that you're taking care of yourself so that you can then extend that to your kids. And in this situation, we were all just thrown into working from home, and then you're trying to school from home, and you can't even like move about the world in the same ways that you were and so it just felt like lots and lots of demands on your time and resources without very many ways of really kind of releasing some of it exactly. And I think what was happening for a lot of people, including myself, is the things that we would normally do, we could not do anymore. So, like, I love me some retail therapy, right, I couldn't go anywhere, nor did I want to, um, you know, getting together with friends, okay, social distancing, going to the movies, can't do that. Go to the zoo, that's closed. I mean, like everything everything we would do with our kids or for ourselves, you literally could not do. And I think that's what so much harder is that. Yeah, co regulation and be able to you know, regulate and manage and balance your time is all fighting good when you have the option, but when you literally have no options. You have to get very, very creative with how you do that. Mm hmmm. So now it feels like some parts of the country are opening back up, right like I know, well, here in Georgia there are several things that have been opened even for a couple of weeks, although we are staying put. But things are opening up again now, and so I'm wondering if you have ideas about how we might be able to do that with our families in a way that feels safe. Yes, that's a great, great question, because now a lot of places are opening up, including San Antonio, but we, as you said, are put as well. I think that's where you have to really do your research and look to see what kind of measures are put in place, and then again talk to your family about how they feel, how you can do that gradually and safely, and how you can start to get into the world in a way that feels right for you. So, for example, a couple of weeks ago, probably three weeks ago now, my family and I decided to go find a lake to go to so we can get outside and be in nature. They were all closed, so that that made it a little bit difficult, but we were still able to go to a park and hang out together, getting take out from a restaurant and then having a picnic somewhere outside, being able to hang out together, being able to hang out with family. We actually hung out with our in laws twice because we know that they've been quarantined and isolated in social distance, just like us, And initially we felt uncomfortable, and my son told me he felt comfortable, and I acknowledge that I also felt that ways as well too, and that it was okay to feel that way because it's been three months since he thought person in person besides us. So I think for for us, and how I am encouraging a lot of the clients and the families that I'm seeing is to do it in a way that feels right for you and gradually while staying safe. And I know that's hard. That's a hard thing to do, but it's important because staying home all the time, I'm seeing it take a significant toll on families. When I'm talking to them virtually, because I'm seeing everybody virtually still, they're getting on each other's nerves, they're fighting over really ridiculous things, They're they're spent they're overwhelmed and they're exhausted. And one of the things that I've been telling them is we as human beings, try to find ways to connect with other people. And if the way that you can connect is through arguing and fighting, then that so be it. And that's what I'm seeing is that we're like, Okay, we don't know how that's to connect. There's no significant drama going on in my life because I can't go to school, I can't go to the movies. There's not much I can do. So it's kind of like we unconsciously create this conflict to create this connection. And I'm sting a lot of families, a lot of squabbling and a lot of debates about things that I'm trying to like, what in the world are you talking about? Because people are wanting to connect, their wanting some excitement, they're wanting some meaning in their life, and it's hard when you don't have much going on. Yeah, and I'm glad you share the story about your son because I think that that goes to you know, what we talk about often is making sure that we're giving space for kids concerns to be heard. And so I'm wondering I would imagine that lots of kids probably are feeling really anxious. I mean, depending on their age, they might not quite understand what all of this means. They just know that they can't, you know, see their friends, can't go to school, can't go out and play. And so I'm wondering what kinds of things we might be able to do with our kids who may be feeling a little anxious, even if we feel like we can kind of interact with some people safely. Yes, So one of the things that I emphasize, whether we're in a pandemic or not, is to acknowledge your discomfort and do it anyway. Mm hmmm, because if you wait until you're comfortable enough, then you may never do it right and acknowledging it empathizing with them. That's where the coregulation comes from that we talked about before, is that if someone is feeling a certain way, as a parent, we want to acknowledge that emotion. We want to acknowledge that feeling and just missing it and trying to fix it or trying to correct it or ignore it isn't the way that we help our children make sense of their emotions and their experiences. So being able to say, yeah, honey, I know that family is coming over and you're uncomfortable. You know, I'm a little uncomfortable too, And he's like, do we have to hug them? I'm like, no, you do not have to hug them. He's like, because they could have the virus. Somey do have the virus. And I said, I know that that's what you've been hearing a lot about. But just like we've been home, they've been home as well too, and we're going to hope for the best because for our own mental health, we need to be around some people. So acknowledging his feelings, and then when I told him I felt uncomfortable, he goes you too. I was like, yeah, hecky, I feel uncomfortable. I said, I've just been with you guys for three months. I'm got a little uncomfortable seeing other human beings. So acknowledging that their experience is valid and that it makes sense, and then confirmed that, you know, as a grown up, I feel those same hesitations as well too, and it's okay mm hmm yeah. And I would imagine, I mean not even have some of this myself, right, the inverse happening right, like the kids are ready to kind of go back and be out in the world. And then as a parent, you still feeling very anxious, right, so you might not take some of those steps. So would the same suggestion be to feel the discomfort and try and do it anyway, Yes, with appropriate precautions, right, because I'm meeting with a lot of teenagers who they really are totally comfortable and like, okay, pump the brakes. Um, that's a little bit too much comfort, you know. So it's about balancing it out to say, Okay, what are some steps that you can take based on the things that you enjoy, some self care things that you are doing for yourself before that you can start doing now. So maybe it's taking an art class online, or taking up a new sport that you always wanted to do, or taking a little a small little road trip, you know, a day trip, or find trying out a new restaurant, but really helping them to be creative because a lot of that anxiety will build because of the monotony. And I really believe a lot of people experience significance amount of anxiety and stuckness because they do the same thing over and over again, and that monotony will really do something to someone's psyche because it makes you feel like you don't have a sense of purpose, that you're not engaged in and the things that you value and that you enjoy. Uh And and that's that feeling stuck can really wear on you. And I think that's what's happened to a lot of people is that they're doing the same thing every day, and even if it's changing, it's not the same as it was before. You're seeing people with masks, you're seeing people disconnected, you're seeing people at a distance, or it just some it just doesn't feel like the same. And so really helping them again to be able to express those feelings and express those anxieties and normalize it validated. Yeah, so how do you manage our balance that you know, because I know something that we also talk about is like the importance of having a structure and having a routine and that also helping to manage anxiety. But you're saying, maybe too much of that can also work against you. Yes it can, because having a structure and having a routine is all fine and good. But the thing is now we have to think about for many people who have been in quarantine for two or three months. They many people have just been like whatever goes goes right, wake up at ten, go to bed at three am, video games ten hours. I mean, there's been a lot of people who have done whatever, And then there's other people who have had like a very strict schedule, but it's still not the same as it was before being in school seven eight hours a day, for example. So it's about having an appropriate balance. But also I'm telling a lot of parents ease it up a little bit, like it's not that serious. Like if normally your kids go to bed at eight thirty on a normal regular school day before quarantine and then they, you know, wake up at six at the cracko dawn, Like they don't have to continue doing that. It's okay that they sleep in a little bit. It's okay that they're on TV or in the screens a little bit longer, Like that's okay. So I think that while having a routine, we have to have some flexibility and we have to give ourselves some grace while not taking things too seriously, because this is stressful for everybody, and it's stressful for kids, especially because they can fully make sense of what's happening. Mm hmm. Yeah. So something else that I've seen lots of parents share concerns about our milestones when we know that, you know, there are different milestones that children meet even up through high school, and so what kinds of information do we need to know about, like any milestones that our kids may be missing. This probably is more important for like only children, right, So of course some of the socialization piece might be able to be met if you have siblings, but there are still some things that we're not going to be able to do. So what kinds of concerns should we have as parents about missing milestones? Like is there a way to make that up? Yeah, that's a great question. The reason why I love working with kids so much is because I think they are remarkably resilient and adaptable, and they also mirror the people in their lives that are important to them, their caregivers. So kids will adopt easier to things even if they're missing out if the people in their life are adapting. So if you, as a parent, are freaking out that you're becoming unglued, that you are not keeping it together, um, for the most part, because of course we're going to do that from time to time, but we're not modeling appropriate adaptation. Our kids are going to pick up on that. It's going to be more detrimental to them. So it's really important to understand that, yes, there's gonna be lots of kids this next upcoming school year who are going to lag behind. That is a given they've missed three months of school of instruction that they should have gotten to wrap up the school year for whatever grade they're in, and where you have to expect that they're going to lag behind in some skills and that's that has to be a given. I think all schools will do themselves a disservice if they don't realize that. But the other thing is that we have to keep in mind that for those other skills, whether it's social development, cognitive skills, emotional skills, yes, because they've been seeing people through a screen and they haven't interacted, especially the younger ones, then there's gonna be some kids who kind of get into a show, who are more socially anxious, who are reluctant to engage, And that's where we have to get creative. So social groups on zoom or being able to engage in limited contact with other peers that you feel safe to be around. But I think we have to make sure we give them some of those skills in a way that's creative, and then also to realize that they'll catch up. Kids will catch up if we provide a corrective emotional experience for them and an environment that's nurturing. So I don't I wouldn't be so concerned too much about kids falling so way behind that they can't catch up. I think they'll just catch up on their own curve, kind of adapt as they go, and they probably won't be exactly where they would have been had this not all happened. But I believe they'll follow their own growth and their own curve should we give them those opportunities. Yeah, So, is there a way to kind of monitor whether there's something that you should be concerned about? Right, so, with the understanding that there will likely be a little bit of leg once, you know, if people go back to school in August, But at what point would you say, like, oh, okay, maybe we need to talk with someone, like are there certain markers that you might be looking for, even with the understanding that things might be a little slower immediately. Yeah, I want to be hearing from a lot of my medical colleagues is that they're saying a lot of people aren't taking their kids in for their well child because it's check ups. And that's important because you're not going to know if there's something going on with your child if they're not seeing their pediatrician. So I think that's going to be important in terms of gaining back some level of I mean normalcy. I don't know if that's the words that we should even be using, but some level of routine is making sure that you express those concerns to your child's pediatrician. Those are the people that know your child best and have followed them hopefully along the way. And then if there's things that you're like, okay, you know what, emotionally, socially, something's not right. I think that this is not normal or I'm not sure if it is normal or typical for my child, then to be able to consult with the pediatrician and with a mental health provider to just see you don't have to see seek out a child psychologist or a child therapist just to commit to months and months of therapy. Sometimes I might be just saying, hey, I want to make sure that what my child is going through and what we're going through is typical given their development and given everything that's going on, and just check in. I've done quite a few intakes with people in the past where they come in and just say, hey, you know, my teenager is you know, thirteens moody and doesn't want to be around me. Is that normal? Yeah, there's nothing to be concerned about with that, But then exploring more in terms of what specifically is different that you're concerned about. And I think that's an important thing to explore, just to see and to make sure that if you have if your mom gut is telling you something is off, I would say listen to it. I would say listen to it. Yeah, And I would imagine even as practitioners, you know, like you said, there is guide book for a pandemic, right, so even as practitioners, we are all going to still be figuring out, like what there's a new normal, like you said, not even sure to call it that, We're gonna still be figuring all of that out as well. Exactly exactly, because when I'm meeting with people online and they're like, well, what should I do if blank I'm just like, oh my gosh, um, so I'm having I don't know, So I'm having to tap into my schema, my frame of reference based on prior training and experiences with trauma disruption in in normal everyday living and figure out, Okay, given this, what would be the best suggestion because we're kind of winging it in a sense, right, We're all kind of making it up because we don't know what to do in this situation, but we do know what to do in situations that have been similar, and I think that's where we tap into that to understand that. Okay, we understand that when you're under a significant deal of stress, there will be higher conflict. That's a given, so this is no different. So how do we do this? And then how do we direct people in terms of gaining some sense of um stability in their home life? Mm hmmm. So the other big question that I think is on a lot of parents minds is what happens in the fall? Right? So I don't know that any school system, at least not the ones here, have made any decisions about like what happens in August when schools are supposed to open, And so I know parents are thinking about are we sending the kids back to school? Are we home schooling? Like, I'm just curious what kinds of conversations maybe have come up with maybe some of the parents that you're working with. Yeah, that is an excellent question, because nobody really knows, right. I've heard some really brilliant actually solutions from colleges, however, for across country. Where for colleges, for those who have high schoolers who just graduated. Many colleges have proposed and actually will implement where students go back to school late August and they go straight through, no fall break, no nothing until right before Thanksgiving, and then they dismiss students from right before Thanksgiving through January. So that way they're not traveling back and forth and bringing diseases everywhere. Although students college students will still travel on weekend. So I'm not quite sure how they're gonna do right, Like, it sounds good in theory, So that's one solution that I've heard across the board, across many different places. But yes, I think a lot of the K through twelve systems they don't really know what they're doing. And I have heard from people that I've worked within California, for example, where they're talking about putting up plexiglass in the front of the classroom and teachers are to wear masks and even full on ppe students six ft apart, not touching, removing all the books and toys, no recess, no eating in the lunch room. I don't think that's us A Lucian. Yeah, that seems really strange. It sounds and it sounds like a disaster really waiting to happen. So the conversations I've had personally and professionally with my clients is I've told a lot of them who I see who are teachers. I'm like, I think this is where there needs to be a massive change in education, even temporarily, that if you are a teacher, you are an education. There is going to be an amazing opportunity for professionals and teaching to offer services for parents who do not want to homeschool their kids. Me included that was that was not pretty good, right and to be able to offer those services virtually or in person. I mean, I'm thinking like little house on the prairie, like one cool house situation where you offer services based on your knowledge base of teaching, math or reading or classroom management, any of those things that you're actually engaging students and helping parents that have to go back to work. And there's gonna be a lot of teachers who don't want to go back to work as a teacher in that kind of environment, And there's gonna be people who still need to have income and still need to work, and there's gonna be parents who need those services. So I honestly think just because the pandemic is inconvenient doesn't mean it's over right, And just because we say states and cities are open doesn't mean the pandemic is over. And I think that it's doing people as serious to service thinking of a false sense of safety. And I think opening up our schools in the fall is going to be a significant burden. And I think that it's going to be a big problem because we're putting a lot of our kids at risk. Little kids and kids in general are not going to not touch each other and at each other. So I think it's gonna be a lot of thinking and talking and exploring and really be able to work with our school districts and schools about offering something that makes more sense for parents while easing their mind. That's going to be a hard decision. I'm personally exploring looking at bringing in somebody and rather paying them to do that and keeping myself, myself and my kids safe, because I think that might be a better option. Yeah, I mean, and I've also heard of like groups of parents getting together in these little paths, right and already looking for like tutors or someone to kind of be able to teach a smaller group of kids, maybe at the same location, or maybe they rotate locations. So it sounds like people are already getting really creative. Are there other things like that that you've heard from parents? I've heard that what you just said, I've heard the virtual stuff. I've heard I think just uh teachers teaching kids in their home, a combination of nannying as well as teaching. Those are the majority of what I've heard from parents, because many parents have to go back to work and many parents don't want to homeschool. Yeah, that just didn't work for me. And I'm actually and I can teach. I know how to teach, but I don't know how to teach trick of fourth grade, right, And it's your kids, right, So it's it's differently dynamic. But you know, the funny thing is that they loved it though. They were like, you know, we'd like being at home. And I'm like, yeah, but I don't know if this is a permanent solution. Guys like this, I don't know, Like I can't teach science and math like that's not uh so even being able to teach have parents teach certain subjects that they're comfortable with, but some of the other ones that you're just like, there's no way I can do this, being able to have someone who can do that one on one. But I think we're gonna have to be very creative because I think a lot of this masking up and separating kids and no social interaction that's not a good solution. That's gonna cause more social anxiety than kids already have. Yeah. Yeah, And I like, you have heard some of those same suggestions right of plexiglass, and I had not heard of teachers in full ppe. But I guess if you're going with the plexiglass, it makes sense, right, But I've not heard any other suggestions about what it would look like if schools open up again. Yeah, I haven't either, And especially because we're hearing all this new information about Yes, kids can get COVID, it just differently, right, And it's like, why are we even taking that chance, you know when we think about historically pandemics last two to four years unfortunately, Right, So this is I don't want to be scary about it and anxiety provoking, but we have to be honest about it that it's it's an inconvenient situation and our lives have to move on, but we have to do it safely. Yeah, But I'm also aware Dr Lockhard, that a lot of people might not have a choice, right, you know, So I mean, of course you and I have the privilege of like being able to practice from home or you know, on a much more limited basis, But because businesses and things are opening up, there will be a lot of parents who will not be we have that option of whether they have to go back to work. You're exactly right, You're exactly right. And for us, my husband is a professor at a college and psychologists of course, and so although we were able to teach and do therapy from home, the challenge was we were teaching and doing therapy from home. So while I'm seeing clients and while he's teaching the kids were kind of you know, of course at a fourth and second grade or so, they can do some of the stuff on their own, but I was literally having to then on my breaks teach them and then go back to work. So it's like, Okay, I'm glad I have the opportunity and the privilege to be able to balance it, but at the same time, I was exhausted, Like I'm like, this is not gonna work. M hmm. Yeah. So for those so you know, let's say schools do open and maybe you have to go back to work because you work at a place that no longer allows the flexibility of working from home or there things that you can consider in terms of keeping yourself safe and your kids safe. Yeah, I mean, I think being able to ask the school what they're doing, find out what your workplace is doing, what measures they're taking, I mean, and just really having honest conversations about it. And then I mean, really, if it comes to that and you have to be able to go back to work, which many of us do, and the kids have to go to school, it's just really having a conversation with your school, your individual school to school districts and being able to say, okay, how can we keep our kids safe? How can we do this so that we can move forward in a way that everybody feels comfortable. But it has to be an open and honest conversation throughout the summer, because I mean, like we've seen week by week things are changing, right, and so so many things can change between now and the time that everything starts to open back up. Yeah, you're right. I mean it's like some of those conversations should be happening now. Um, And I'm not, at least in our school districts seeing any conversation around like, okay, let's put our hands together and see what this might look like. Yeah, I haven't either. Yeah. Yeah, So it feels like it will be the kind of thing where they maybe make a decision really close to whether school will open or not. I'm just not sure like what kinds of things people are even considering well, and I think and it's scary and it's confusing because again we don't have anything to compare it to, and we want to put our parents at ease, but at the same time, like what does that look like? What does that mean? And it's just so that everybody can be in a place where kids can learn, kids can be kids. It's just it's hard. These are hard conversations, but they need to be had. So even if the solutions seem so far fetched, it's at least we're brainstorming and coming up with something to decide on. But we can't do it last minute. That's not the that's not the way right right, Yeah, absolutely, And so I'm wondering that a lot of card if you have suggestions, you know, like you mentioned all a lot of the things that we were able to do, like our retail therapy and being able to kind of get out, but some of that is still very restricted, or like you and I have both mentioned, we're still kind of choosing not to engage in some of those things. So are there other suggestions you for people of ways they can continue to work on regulating their own emotions, their own feelings so that they again can continue to help regulate for their children. Yes, definitely. So if you are able to take breaks for yourself away from your kids, I think that's important to have that alone time because you're everybody's cooped up. If you're one of those like us who are cooped up in your house and you're choosing to still stay or you or you don't have the choice to stay, to be able to find that time alone by yourself and make that plain to the people in your home to say, you know what, I need some time to myself, or actually leave the house and spend time to your with yourself, so being able to do things separately and take that break. Because again, that over stimulation of always hearing your kids, always being around your partner, your spouse, always being in the same environment that gets exhausting after a while. So that alone time is important. Finding ways of engaging in previously enjoyed hobbies and activities in a way that's maybe a little bit different and newer for you, and doing it anyway. So maybe I can't go to the store, like I actually tried to go to the store last week, and I didn't enjoy it at all, so um because I had to wear my mask and then everybody was like they didn't want to look at you, so then they were awaiting you in the store, and then I couldn't try on stuff. I didn't really want to try on stuff, so I was like, okay, and then I bought the clothes and they didn't fit. Because I actually gained some weight during quarantine. So then I have to take it back and I'm like, great, now i gotta go back. I'm like, I'm just gonna shop online. So I will do that so again instead of going to the store, maybe just shopping online. Or my husband and I have found some um YouTubers who have been teaching us how to make new things in an insta pot. So we actually bought an instapot and we've been making new recipes. And then last week or two weeks ago, we made homemade ice cream for the first time. Yeah, you creative. I mean, you gotta be mad, I mean, and it was amazing. We made the homemade banana ice cream and you know, so stuff like that was just cool because that's something we never would have done or would have made the time to do. Right. So that's what I'm talking about, is like finding new ways, Like he likes to cook and I like to bake, and so doing things like that that's different, that's unique, and finding new ways of doing it. And even with the kids, like finding new things to do with them that are different. Um where it doesn't really allow you to maybe you can't do the same things, but you're doing in a slightly different way. So my kids like will do more getting some lego pieces and uh sets and building them together and then doing like a like a competition. Or we've been looking at artists online who have done our drawing tutorials and we've been learning how to draw from the tutorials, like people who never would have done this before. Getting together with friends on play dates over zoom. We've done a weekly Sunday service with our entire family, like fifteen of us on zoom. M hm. So just things like that so that we feel less disconnected and we can find ways, because again, our family would never have done that had it not been for this this time, right right, Yeah, And I do think that that is a part of you know, kind of making lemonade out of limits so to speak. Um, is that it has slowed things down a little bit so that you know, we have been able to do things like ride bikes around the neighborhood when we would not have done that before, right, Or we're having picnics in our driveway, you know, so still finding ways. I think the sunshine is really good too, um, you know, be having opportunities to go outside as much as possible. I think has really helped us. Yeah, definitely. And you know, one thing that we've been doing which kind of works is that because most of the people in my office, my associates, we are doing virtual services. On Monday, my family, my husband, and my kids come with me to the office and my kids take different offices and they pretend like like it's their office and they'll like they'll do things, and we have like kind of a loose schedule and then and then I'll see clients all day virtually, and then they stay home with my husband on Tuesdays and Wednesdays since he's off for the summer, and then on Thursday, I work from home. So at least it gives me time like away from them what I'm on Tuesday and Wednesday, but then it gives them time to be somewhere else besides being at home. M m. Yeah, So kind of breaking up their monotony, like you talked about before, that is the monotony. Breaking that up that is so important. I can't emphasize it enough. You've got to do something different. It'll it'll it'll affect you. It affect your mental health and your physical health. You've got to break it up. Yeah. Yeah, So the other thing that, of course, as if dealing with COVID nineteen has not been enough, right, we are continuing to have to deal with police brutality and continuing acts of racism, and so again for our kids, who, depending on their age, may understand what's happening and may not understand what's happening, I feel like this is an additional stressor So what kind of the things maybe do you have to offer its appearance about maybe how to talk to kids about this, how to help them understand what's happening. Yeah, that's a great question. I've been having so many of these conversations and it's important to continue. Um. The first thing is that I think if you have kids, usually I'm thinking about ten or eleven or younger, is that they really should not be My professional opinion is that your young kids should not be exposed to the day to day news stuff. They don't need to know every time another black person has been killed. They don't need to know that. That builds more anxiety. And because kids are so concrete and literal and they're thinking, they're thinking, oh, that could mean I'm unsafe, And we don't need to breed more anxiety by feeding them these messages every day. When the kids are a little bit older, eleven and over, of course, they're going to be exposed to that. They're going to hear about it, They're gonna see that, and that's when we have to have these honest conversations about how they feel about it, talking to them about systemic issues going on with racism, talking to them about all these different things, not because we want them to hate white people. We don't want them to have that viewpoint, but to look at why these things are happening, why these things continue to occur, and then helping them have a voice. What do they want to do about it? If anything? Do they want to educate themselves? Do they want to find a way to be an advocate for themselves? Do they want to educate other people or themselves? Like what? How do they want to feel empowered by having this information? In this knowledge? And I think also as a parent, being able to take an honest look at ourselves about how we feel about it, because they're going to pick up on our feelings about it, all the tension that's going on, and be able to see how we are dealing with it. When we hear about all these things so I think having that honest, transparent, open conversation with them because if we try to keep it from them and hide how we feel, then they're going to pick up on it. Now for the little ones who aren't seeing the day to day kind of new stuff, which I I my kids are hearing about all the day to day new stuff, but we do have open, honest conversations about race and racism and our history and all those different things so that they can explore that and talk about those kinds of things, because that is important for them to be aware of that. So, yeah, that's that's a tough thing because like there's just one more stressor that we have to deal with, let's right in our faces right now. M Yeah, and I think I'm sure, Well I'm not sure, but I would imagine you heard about the sesame Street town Hall. Yes, did you get a chance to watch it? I didn't get a chance to watch it. I heard a little bit about it. Yeah, yeah, I mean so there was some upset that I thought that could have been a little better. But what I did really appreciate was the conversation between Elmo and his dad. So if you can't watch all of it, then definitely check out that piece. I will, because he was talking about like what are protesters and what does this mean? And you know that kind of thing, and I thought that they did a really good job of like really explaining that in a way that even small children could understand. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, So, I mean, so I'm glad that there or resources like that. But I'm also thinking about what happens if schools do open in the fall, right, And you know, I don't expect that a lot of this protesting and stuff will be done, of course, because it feels like we're always fighting. I'm fighting for our rights, right, And so I'm just wondering again, as schools are thinking about like how to even open safely if they are open in the fall, then what are the conversations around racism and how we know many schools even practice some of these same racist tactics. Oh yes, So one thing I feel strongly about, and myself, as well as many other parents I spoke to, have seen is that because we were schooling our kids at home, we were getting a big glimpse into what they're actually learning. And although I knew what my child was learning in terms of the basics. I didn't really fully understand the depths of what she was learning in terms of history, social studies. That was what I wasn't getting because a lot out of the learning was occurring in school, but it wasn't coming home. So when I was reading a lot of the books that she was reading, I was like, wait, hold up, what slavery wasn't all that bad because many of them were treated well by their masters. WHOA no. No. I was like, okay, sweetheart, we're gonna break this down, like like really really old bleached history. And it was amazing to me. I mean, I was beyond words. So I think what needs to happen is that we need to advocate for the proper type of education to be taught to our kids, just our black kids, if all kids, my kids should not be taught that black history is slavery. Martin Luther King and Obama like, that's not black history. And so to be able to give a books that they read that can we have a more diverse group of authors and storylines. I think that's going to be really important because the images and the literature and the art that kids are seeing that is super important because that's what they based their stereotypes and images off of so I that's a huge goal. I totally get it. I understand because many schools aren't going to do that, and they're not gonna want to do that, but we need to pressure them to do that. And I think, especially now, why I feel exhausted but hopeful about what's going on right now is that finally people are seeing they weren't seeing before. And I have so many white friends who approached me and said, I just didn't know. I didn't know it was this bad. And at first I'm just like, how did you not know? How is that even possible? How is it possible? But you know, but again, if you never are in environments and communities where there are black people, except if they're homeless and poor, and you are in a white school, a white neighborhood community, a white church, why would you ever need to know? That's the privilege. And that's where explaining to them, It's like, that is your privilege. You don't have to know, just like our privilege is that we don't have to worry too much about, you know, whether or not we balance homeschooling and working because we can work from home. That's a privilege. And so if you don't need to know about the ugliness of racism because you just were never inconvenienced by it, then that's a privilege. And so I think that's where we have to really educate people on an individual and in the school system. Now, we got to shake things up. Things need to change, and we have to start educating our kids with the right stuff, the books and the curriculum that are more inclusive and that are accurate. Yeah, I think that that is something else that has come from, you know, us trying to educate our kids at home is like you're saying, we're more aware maybe of what kinds of things they're learning. And I think because of some of those reasons, right, because we feel like there is such a deficit related to what kinds of history they're being taught in, what kinds of stories they being exposed to. I think that that's another reason why people are exploring these more creative learning environments to make sure that kids do get a variety of messages like that. Yep, exactly exactly what we're taking ownership of it that we're not just passively setting our kids and having them be taught whatever is being taught no and there needs to be a more active role in this. Yeah, yeah, got it. So Dr Lockhart, where can we find you? Where can we find you online? As well as any social media handles that you'd like to share? Yeah, definitely. So. You can find me on my website at a New Day s a as in San Antonio dot com. And you can also find me. I'm very active on Instagram at Dr Anna Louise Lockharts and that's probably the major parts and areas where you can find me the most. And I have lots of resources there and things that I post and other collaborations that I do with other individuals as well. Sounds great, well, we of course will share all of that in our show notes. And just thank you so much again, Dr Lockhart. You have answered lots of questions for me personally. Um so I am sure that our listeners and our community members will also benefit from this information. Thank you, Dr Joy. I appreciate the opportunity. I'm so glad Dr Lockhart was able to join us again this week. Don't forget to visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session one to learn more about Dr Lockhart and her incredible resources for parents. Please share your takeaways with us on social media using the hashtag tv G and session, and be sure to share this episode with the other parents in your life. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be sure to check out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And if you want to continue digging into this topic and connect with some other sisters in your area, come on over and join us in the Yellow Couch Collective, where we take a deeper dive into the topics from the podcast and just about everything else. You can join and us at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C. Thank you all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care.

Therapy for Black Girls

The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a license 
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