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M. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts, a weekly discussion about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information and resources, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, we have made it. It's been one year since we started on this journey known as the Therapy for Black Girl those podcasts, and I am so so thankful to each of you for your support, for sharing the podcast with your friends and family, and for all the messages you sent letting me know how the podcast has impacted you. This has been an incredible ride to think that a year ago I was nervous and unsure about how the project would be received, and now I'm sitting back reflecting on all the amazing doors that have been opened and the idea that I've been able to connect to so many of you through this platform is really just all inspiring. I am again so thankful and to give back just a small portion of the love you've shown me, I want to invite you to participate in my very first giveaway. If you listen to my three for Thursday video from a couple of weeks ago, you know I shared three books that every sister needs in her collection. I called them the getting your Life Together starter Kit. The books were Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud, The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr Burnet Brown, and Self Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff. You've likely heard guests on the podcast mentioned all of these books. Two lucky winners will receive their choice of either a hard copy or a kindle version of each of the three books, and they will also get the very first Therapy for Black Girls T shirts that will be dropping very very soon. To get all of the details about how to enter the giveaway, head on over to Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash giveaway. And now, those of you who know me in real life, I know that my little Louisiana Hart beats incredibly strong for a bounce track, So you know that nice for what has been playing a ridiculous amount of times in my truck in the past couple of days. And not only do I think that this is a strong contender for a song of the Summer, it's also just a great feel good track. Drake's words also inspired me to think deeper into the question nice for what, Who is served by our niceness? And why are so many of us invested in it? Of course, I think that much of it is related to societal expectations, you know, the old saying girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. And some of it is historical, as niceness definitely served as survival mechanisms for our ancestors. But how much of niceness is actually tied to our individual difficulties with being assertive, using our voice and taking up space. To answer this question, you'll likely need to take a deep dive into some childhood stuff, which is one of my favorite races to dig. What were you taught about using your voice as a child. If you're like me, then it wasn't uncommon for you to hear things like little girls should be seen and not heard, and given messages like this, It's quite logical that many of us might grow up feeling like our opinions don't matter and maybe aren't even valid. You also want to consider what was your relationship like with your parents or other caregivers as a child. Were you treated in a way that made you feel like you were only lovable if you behaved a certain type of way, or if you were only one type of person? In many ways, any behavior that we've held onto for some time probably served a purpose at one point. Our job is to figure out whether it still serves a purpose. So, yes, niceness may have been important and necessary as a child, but how is it working for you now? And I do want to make sure that you understand what I'm saying here. I don't think there's anything wrong with being kind. Kindness to me means being respectful and showing common courtesy. It's great to be kind, and it's also fine to be nice if the niceness doesn't come at your own expense. Are you somebody who struggles with this? Here are some ways that you will know if this need for niceness is showing up in your life. Do you have trouble voicing your needs and wants in relationships of all kinds? Have trouble doing things like asking your boss for that promotion even though you have solid documentation indicating the value you bring to the company. Do you have difficulty asking your professor to look at that essay again because you know that you made some very solid points. Do you have trouble asking for the correct order even when you know you said chicken and the server brought out fish? Or what about this? You struggle because you are going with your friend to sip and paint for the third time this month, even though all you really want to do is be home in your pj's watching Netflix. While some of these examples may seem trivial, and they may be in some cases, the cumulative effect of being too invested in niceness can be detrimental because when we struggle with assertiveness or setting boundaries, it usually doesn't just show up in one area of our lives. It shows up in multiple areas. So when we don't said boundaries are communicate assertively, the only one that usually ends up getting the short into the stick is us. So what can we do about this need for niceness? Or three tips? One get comfortable with the idea that those invested in your niceness may be put off by you divesting in it. If you're someone who has a real need to be liked, this will likely be very difficult for you. Learn to sit with and lean into the discomfort as opposed to giving into it. What do you feel immediately when you feel like you're disappointing someone, are not being nice? Do you feel it somewhere in your body? You get stomach aches, headaches, maybe some tension in your neck? Do you experience shame? Getting in touch with what your reaction is can help you explore more of what it's about and how you can manage it. Tip two, Write it out? What are you so afraid will happen if you're perceived as not being nice? So let's say you do tell your friend that you don't want to go to sip and paint this week? What will happen? And if this is an issue for you, I actually want you to take pen to paper and write out these scenarios. So what will happen if you don't go to sip and paint this week? She might go with someone else? And then what and then this other person and her will get close, and then what she'll begin to like this other person more? Okay? And then what she won't want to hang out with me anymore? Ding ding ding. Now we've got into what the fear really is. It's about you feeling like you'll be left behind, are not valuable anymore. That's where the work is. Talking to a therapist about this piece would likely yield some incredible growth for you. And tip number three start small. So may be you don't give up your niceness immediately by going to your boss tomorrow and asking for a raise. But could you start by saying that you want Pizza Hut instead of Papa John's on Friday night? What are the little ways that you can begin to be more assertive and start to be less concerned with being nice. I'd love to hear how others of you have gotten over the need to be nice or whether you feel like this is something that you're still struggling with. Share your thoughts with us on social media by using the hashtag TBG in session and make sure to tag the accounts. You can find us on Twitter at Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls. If you'd like to continue the conversation started here on the podcast, make sure to join us over in the Facebook community at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe, and if you're looking for a therapist in your area, be sure to check out the therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. I want to thank you all again for rocking with me for a year in this podcast. Make sure to check out the details about the giveaway at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Giveaway. I'll be chatting with you all again real soon. Take your care, m