Living Single

Published May 1, 2019, 7:00 AM

For this conversation, I was joined by Dr. Melissa Robinson-Brown, Licensed Psychologist. Dr. Mel and I chatted about how hard and frustrating it can be to be single when you don’t really want to be, why she thinks dating apps are a blessing and a curse, and the self assessment she helps her clients complete to figure out if they’re approaching dating from a healthy place.

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M h. Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session one oh five of the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. In today's episode, we'll be digging into living the single life and many of the emotions one can experience while single. For this conversation, I was joined by Dr Melissa Robinson Brown, who's a psychologist in New York. 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These products all work beautifully together and take far less time for me to do my hair than any other process I've ever used. They are a complete lifesaver, so if you want to cut down on the amount of products you use and get some time back in your busy schedule, then I definitely would recommend you try them. You can find the Naturalicious products and over twelve d sally stores nationwide, or you can buy them online and natural sious dot net. And just for y'all, we have a ten percent off promo code so you can try or re up on your products. To use the promo code, go to naturalisious dot net and into the code joy j O y at check out to get ten percent off. Now let's get back to our episode, so let me tell you a little bit more about Dr Mel. Dr Mail is a licensed clinical psychologist, assistant Clinical professor in Psychiatry and Adolescent Medicine at Mount Sinai Medical Center, and an adjunct professor in the Steinhardt Department of Applied Psychology at n y U. She's the founder of Renewed Focused Psychology Services, a New York City based private practice focused on helping women feel like badasses in their professional life while also maintaining meaningful personal relationships, all in the context of whole body wellness. Doctor Mel's mission is to empower individuals to develop both the strength and vulnerability to show up as their most authentic selves in their lives, their careers, and in their relationships. Dr Mel and I chat at It about how hard and frustrating it can be to be single when you really don't want to be, how you can manage the emotions that sometimes come up when you're living the single life, why she thinks dating apps are both a blessing and a curse, and the self assessment she helps her clients complete to figure out if they're approaching dating from a healthy place. If you hear something while listening that really resonates with you, please share with us on social media using the hashtag tv G in session. Here's our conversation. Thanks so much for joining us today, Dr Mel. I'm excited to be here. I'm so excited, very happy that you're going to be able to join us today. So I feel like I say this every episode, but I do take a lot of requests from the audience, and of course these are very highly requested topics. So today we are going to be talking a little bit about being single when you don't really want to be single, um, and how do you navigate that? So Dr Mel, can you start just by telling us some of the concerns that kind of come up with people who you know, maybe want to be in partnerships but for whatever reason, are not currently sure. So I hear this so frequently, mostly a lot of women telling me I'm just I'm dying to find a relationship. I really want to be with someone, but there's nobody out there, and so that's one of the concerns I hear is like that the dating pool is just small that they feel like, especially as they get older, either all the men and women are taken or their suspect or I often hear all men are trash or all women are too needy, and so there's a real concern around, Hey, I want to date, but I can't find anybody that would be a good match for me. And then I also hear a lot of well, I'm never gonna be able to have this sort of life I've dreamed of where I have a family, I have a partner, we have kids, we sort of level up together. I'm not going to be able to have that because as I get older, I just can't seem to find this partner that I'm longing for. So that concern a lot as well. Yeah, and a lot of the points you bring up, Dr Mel I think are very difficult to navigate because so much of it is like out of your control, right, Like you can't do anything about like the numbers in terms of like the dating pool, and you know, you can't do anything necessarily about like the timing in terms of meeting somebody, you know, So a lot of it. I think it really brings up a lot around like your sense of control and managing, like the anxiety that comes up with that. Absolutely, Yeah, you're right. The anxiety goes up real high when we have these instances and experiences where we can't control who's at the club or who's at church, and we just don't feel like it's ever going to happen for us, um, no matter how much effort we put in. M Yeah, So, what are some of the things that you've, like work with clients or even under you do groups and things and presentations. What are some of the ways you have suggested for people who are worried, particularly about this piece of like not knowing where to meet them, Like how do I find these people? Do you have suggestions for people you worked with? I do. I do have suggestions about where people can find their mate, But I actually think that's the last step. I think that before we can even find a mate, we have to get ourselves right around what's going on in our own brains related to a dating. I think people sometimes look at a relationship as the cure, all as this is my magic pill, It's going to be magical. I'm going to find this partner and then life is just gonna be so beautiful and everything I've been wanting and looking for will fall into place. And a relationship is not that it's not the cure for how you're feeling about yourself and why life just feels so horrible for you right now. And so sure I get people suggestions on where they can find people and where they can date, but I actually encourage people to take a step back and let's do some work on yourself first, so that when you are out there trying to attract the partner, you're attracting who you want, right instead of attracting all of these people that you don't want, and then coming back in the office and saying, look, I went on a date and still it was this person that like didn't have their life together or was only wanting me for one thing. You're gonna attract what you don't want if you're not seeing what you want in yourself. Got you? So what is some of the groundwork then that you are doing with people to kind of get them ready to kind of be in this place to date. Sure, so first of all, it's mindset around dating again, what are you looking to a partner for? Is it about you living your best life? And then it would be really cool if somebody was there to join me on that journey or is it about pay I need somebody to complete me. So we really want to get clear around what you're looking at dating for first, and then we want to do a lot of self esteem work and see if who you're looking at in the mirror is this person you are absolutely in love with. You want to be able to look at yourself and be like I am how ship right, Like I'm a badass woman and I am showing up in this world in the way that I want to. And if you're not feeling like that about yourself, then we need to do groundwork around that building self esteem. Looking at your inner self talk. What are you telling yourself about yourself each day? How are you feeling emotionally? If you feel like you're sad most days, are really anxious most days, what's contributing to that, and do you need to do some therapy and work around that so that you're feeling better about yourself. Um, So there has to be a lot of groundwork around do I feel good about the person that I am looking at in the mirror? I also encourage people. The other piece of the work is what is your life like outside of this relationship? So let's just say you had a relationship, what would you be doing with your life if you had this thing that you're striving for would you be engaging in activities that feel really meaningful to you, that get you excited? Like, what are the things that get you excited and that you want to pursue? Are you doing those things? And if you're not, what's getting in the way right Why are you unable to sort of bring some things into your life right now that are getting you excited, that are having you feel good, that are making you excited to get up in the morning and pursue those things. Because again, if you're out here living your best life, trust me, you're gonna attract somebody who's also out here living their best life. But if you're not, you're also gonna attract people that aren't, that aren't doing their thing and that feel like they can just get by when it comes to a partner. So it sounds like what you're saying, Dr Marley is a lot around making sure that you are feeling whole, that you can kind of go into this you a potential relationship as somebody who kind of can stand on your own, and it's looking for a compliment as opposed to, like you mentioned earlier, somebody to complete you. Yes, absolutely, yes, got you. I think for a lot of people, and I think particularly for a lot of people who listen to the podcast, are like very high achieving and him, you know kind of quote unquote done all the right things right, you know, like done a lot of work on themselves, you know, working, you know, pursuing dreams, passions, that kind of thing, and maybe still are having trouble with finding this partner. So I think that is a particular struggle where people maybe have done some of this work in therapy and feel like, Okay, I'm good, and I still would like to have this partner in my life. What kinds of things might you say to that are help a client with in terms of that kind of a struggle. M hum. So, if you absolutely feel like you've done all the work, you feel like you're out here living in life that feels really good for you. You've also dealt with any of your past relationship baggage, right, so we have to deal with this baggage. We cannot take our previous relationship baggage into the future relationship. So if you feel like you've taken the time to deal with your past hurts to deal with things that either you feel like you haven't done so great in relationships previously, or to deal with the things or the people that have hurt you in the past. And you're like, hey, I'm here, I'm doing everything I need to be doing, and now I'm still looking for that partner. Then I would say, all right, so where are you looking for partners? Right? What are the things that you're getting out of your house? Now? Remember, you do need to get out to be able to right, you can't be home and wonder why you haven't met Mr or Miss Right yet? Right, So you you want to be able to get out and those things that you're pursuing that you enjoy, right, make sure you're out there doing things, even high achievers. Right. Sometimes I hear a lot of women who are high achievers. They put all of their effort into work because it's a really big part of their identity. And I get it and I understand that. Right. I'm one of those people who feels like work is a big part of who I am, and if I can succeed at work, then I'm feeling really good about myself. But we also can't let that take over. If work is the majority of our time, we don't have time or space to meet people. So we have to just make sure that we're finding a little bit of balance there. And you're going out and you're going to activities and to meet ups that are in line with the things that you like. That if you are somebody who is very devoted to your faith and you're building relationships in that way. Not only just to go to church, because we've heard that before. Right, go to church and you can potentially meet people, but do things with your church, right, join subcommittees with your church, go to outings with the church, and smaller intimate settings. What it allows you to talk to people and meet people. Go to the gym. If your gym rat, you're gonna meet another gym rat, right, So spend time. Don't just put your headphones on, put your head down, do your workout and bounce right. Be aware of who's there. Who do you see frequently? Who can you just look up at, say hi to and smile. You don't have to start up a whole conversation then and there and hand out your number. But some of this is just hey, I see you here every day. I'm just gonna say hello to you this one time and let's see where that goes. We sometimes lose sight of sort of these little things that can actually help us to meet people even when we're trying to find someone. Yeah, and I think this is the point where it's also really important to not be like so focused on the outcome that you like miss the idea of like just meeting new cool people, right. You know, so somebody that you see all the time in the gym or they're in your small group at church or whatever. You know, like, of course you may be looking for partnership, but you don't want to kind of go into it with the idea like, Okay, this is gonna be my person. Is more being open to the process of like, okay, this is a new person who may be interesting, right, right. Absolutely. I was recently talking to somebody who was approaching dating like that every time they would go out on a date or meet someone that would be their partner their boyfriend, right, And we really talked a little bit about, yeah, we've got a dating it's about fun too write and it's just about meeting people. And so if you can open up your mind to that, it really changes the way you approach the situations, right right. So, Dr Meyl, you also mentioned that I wanted to go back to that in case people may be wondering. You talked about making sure that you have dealt with any of this like past relationship baggage. So what does that look like, Like what kind of work do you need to do to make sure that you have kind of unpacked all of those suitcases to be ready for your next trip. M right. So this is not the easy work, right because dealing with relationship baggage dr JOIN means that, like I not only have to deal with people that have hurt me, so I have to confront that hurt. I have to take time and explore what that hurt was like, and I have to be able to let it go. We hold on so tight to hurt. We feel like it has to be our partner on the journey because someone has hurt us. And this is not to discount what it feels like to be hurt so badly by someone, but the reality is we sometimes spend time saying, Okay, that person hurt me, let me pack it away and let me push it down, and we don't ever just sort of sit in the space and say this feels horrible and I'm gonna cope with it, and I'm gonna focus on what this means, and I'm gonna again let it go. Once you've had a relationship with those feelings, don't hold on to them, let them go and let them sit in the past. But I think the other piece of relationship baggage that people don't always deal with is what were you like in your previous relationship? What kind of partner were you in this previous relationship. We sometimes look at relationships and think the other person was all bad person and I was the all good person. And it's a really polarized view of relationships because relationships take two people. So if relationships take two people, and yes, he or she might have hurt you in the past, but it's possible that you might have hurt your partner. And there are some things that you might have been doing in your previous relationship that actually was part of the deterioration of that relationship. So we've actually got to take a more deep look at ourselves and see what we were doing, but also just forgive ourselves for anything that we may have done, whether that be being unfaithful, whether that be being too intrusive, whether that being very needy or even too you know, so independent in a relationship, that people couldn't connect with you. We have to be able to look at our own stuff, but also forgive ourselves for anything that we might be struggling with that we did in a previous relationship. Okay, Dr Mill, which is going to a pause for the cause right here, because you have said a lot there, sorry and no, no, no no in a very good way though, because I think we need to kind of like dig into some of the things that you mentioned just now. So one I'm thinking about just this idea that you know it is too people typically in a relationship, and so neither one of you were all good or are all bad. There was some particular dynamic that kind of caused the both of you to act and do the things that you did in that relationship. So really being able to both forgive them the other person, but also forgive yourself. But I also think you can't get to that place if you're not honest with yourself about how you may have done some things that you are not so proud of, or you know, acted in ways that you didn't even really you know, like that you may not have in the previous relationships. And so it comes down to some of that self assessment, which also spoke about in terms of this idea of like were you too independent in the relationship and not really kind of creating a space for your partner to join with you in the relationship. So that makes me think about, like what kind of self assessment do you need to do to kind of figure out like how do I even show up in relationships? Mm? Such a great question, Dr Joy. And also when you break everything down like that, you don't even realize how much you say sometimes when you get at but listen, Okay, we're gonna take it a step furtherm and be very better, right, Because this is like a parallel process, right, Like we're having this conversation with with each other and thinking through all of this stuff. But this is also like all of the clutter that I think is sometimes in people's heads when they're like struggling with being single and not wanting to be right, like having to try to walk through all of these layers. Yes, there are so many layers, right, And I think about this a lot, and I and and and really enjoy helping women sort of work through this. But you're right, the layers are just so many. But I want to get back to your question, which was how do we start with this self assessment? You touched on it, right, And this is this piece of complete honesty with self. And I think this is such a difficult thing for people to do because we don't want to necessarily believe that we are engaging in behaviors that could be turning people off or pushing people away. We think that if we have this relationship that we thought was so amazing, how could we do anything that would intentionally try to push someone away. And it's not always about it being intentional, right, Sometimes we are just doing things because that's how we've been taught, that's how we've been raised. We do things out of fear. So that self assessment starts with honesty, and it starts by doing two things. The first being what were the ways in which I engaged in this relationship that I would be really proud of? Right, and and I would even take some time and write it down, right, So take some time and just write down one are the things that I did in my most recent relationship that I would be really really proud of that I did. And to actually celebrate yourself with that, because you means you're showing up in the way that you want to. But then the second question is what are the things that I didn't like that I did in this relationship. Remember, this is a self assessment just for yourself. It's not like you're getting ready to go show this to your next partner, right, this is just for you. And so to really really take some time and say and write down what were some of the things that I did in this past relationship that I didn't love but I didn't like that. If I could look back, I would do it differently. And that sort of brings some of that honesty to the table, right, And when you write it down, you actually you have to look at it and you you have to soak some of that in. Yeah, and I think you mentioned that you know, some of it is really not intentional, right, So, I mean when we're talking about doing this self assessment, I think you have to maybe even ask for feedback from like friends about out maybe ways they saw you behaving in the relationship, because sometimes it is subconscious, right, and so you may have been doing things as a way of you know, thinking that you were connecting that actually were the opposite, right, m hmm. Not outside of view is huge, right, Yeah, I mean, and you know, at some point you may be able to even have this conversation with your ex right, Like, probably not immediately after because it's but you know, at some point later, you know, if you guys regain a friendship or something like that, you may be able to answer for some of this feedback that could actually be helpful to you, you know, and moving forward with dating in the future. Yes, absolutely, yeah, I agree. So I know, Dr Meyl, when we were talking about prepping for this podcast, you describe dating apps as both a blessing and a curse. Technology has moved in advance. That is a lot of the way people are meeting other people, right, Um, so tell us why you describe them as both the blessing and hers. Oh, this is also a conversation I have quite often with people about the apps. Um, and there are so many dating apps now. It used to be just one, right, Like I think everybody used to do like match dot com. And I don't even know if that was like an app. I think it was just online. And so now right, the market has boomed, tender match dot Com, plenty of Fish, Okay, Cupid, Bumble Coffee Meats, Veagel, the league I mean, like, really, there are just so many places that you can find, and what I hear often is that there's just so much overlap, and so you end up seeing the same people on these apps, which can feel very frustrating for people. So I think that's sort of where it becomes this curse, is that when you start to see people again and again, you feel like again, the dating pool is so small. So there's one other thing too that I think the beauty of dating apps as it widens our dating we are. You know, it used to be a time where the only time you can meet someone is if you went out to a club, a bar, a party that was in your area more times than not unless you were traveling, and that's where you would meet people. And so it's really contained to essentially who your friends friends might know. Right, That's as far as it may get. But now with dating apps, not only can you sort of date in your zip code, but you can date beyond your zip code, You can date beyond your state if you want to. Uh, you can find people in different parts of the world, and so it really widens this pool that women have in terms of finding a partner, which I think is great on many levels because you it then sort of eliminates this idea of well, you know, the person for me may not just be for like, for example, in the case of where I in my geograph region. Right, So that's the blessing, the curse being that now that the dating pool is wider, there's so much more stuff to wait through. You. You know, when you were dating and you met people in person, you may need you know, four or five people and three of those maybe duds, and then you know, two may work out. But now that the dating pool is like multiplied exponentially, you gotta wade through a lot more crap before you get to somebody that might be a good match for you, And that can be really discouraging. People will tell me all the time, I just spend hours swiping and I don't even know what the right direction is, but swiping left right to like eliminate people, and one in a hundred I might be able to swipe right on. So that feels really discouraging for people. Yeah, so I think, you know, it really is about like managing just the idea that okay, I'm using these apps to try to connect with people, but then you're also managing like anything that comes up because it is like really a process and involve some time and energy. Yes, it does, and you can get lost people rabbit hole and black hole down dating apps for so much time you have to sort of you almost have to mindfully do it, if that makes sense. So you have to sort of schedule it and say, I'm gonna spend a little bit of time on this dating app, you know today, I'm gonna go through see who might have swiped right on me and maybe have a couple of conversations. But you have to be careful because it can take over. Yeah, yeah, and I wonder too if people because there is so much overlap, so you're seeing like the same people over and over across the apps. If it almost becomes like a busy work kind of thing, right, Like, so feel like you feel like you're being active in the dating process, but actually like you're going through these people that you've seen on multiple different ones where maybe you could try like an in real life kind of activity that might you know, you, and more results for you. Actually absolutely, absolutely, really very true, Like people just sort of use it to pass the time and it's not again, it's not mindful, You're not really thinking about who you're connecting with or making the decision Hey I'm just gonna engage in these two conversations and really sort of trying to get to know someone and then potentially look at setting up a date. It becomes this thing where you're you're really not you're not trying, You're not dating, right. You are just sort of saying you're putting in the effort, and that's not really what's happening, right right, So, like to mail earlier, you talked about, you know, wanting to make sure that you are approaching the whole dating process from a place of like wholeness and completeness and feeling like really happy with your life. But I do know one of the things that will often come up for women, especially if they want to have children biologically, is this whole taking clock right, even even if you are not necessarily considering it. I mean sometimes when you go for your annual O B G Y, right, like the position introduce this into the conversation and it wasn't even necessarily something you were stressed out about, right, Okay, you talk a little bit about that particular set of fears that will pop up for people, especially if they would like to try to have children biologically. Yeah, so you know, again sort of the statistics are really shifting, right, and so people are getting married later, people are starting families later in life, and so all of that has sort of really put our eyes on this idea of fertility, and it comes up quite frequently when I am talking to women who are looking for partners. They don't want to be single, but they are, and they really worry because they want to have kids. They want to have a family. Again, that's sort of been part of their life picture for so long, and so they have started to explore egg freezing. And so there's a term for it where if you are getting your eggs frozen, not because of medical necessity, but because again you're worried about this biological clock ticking and its social egg freezing, and so this idea of going through the process of freezing your eggs so you can preserve your fertility. And so more and more women are talking about this because there's a real fear behind Well, if I'm in my thirties and i haven't found a partner yet, even if you know I'm going to meet someone, I'm not gonna get married tomorrow, you know, it's gonna take time to build a relationship, and so that's a year or two and then we need to get married, and then then I'm going to want to have a kid, and by that time I might be in my late thirties and what happens to my biological clock. It's the pressure as women we face all the time. Your clock is ticking, Your clock is ticking, Your clock is ticking. And so people are exploring this egg freezing, and so it's a viable option, right, but I think that women need to be well informed about what it means and they need to spend a lot of time reflecting on what you are at actually achieving through egg freezing, if that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, And I think sometimes you know, I think we talked a little bit about on about this on one of the previous podcasts when we have the conversation around like these alternative roads to motherhood. Um, and it is not like an easy process, you know. It's not like you just go to the doctor and they like give you a shot and like they freeze your eggs in that visit. Like it's an arduous process, um, you know, and it's not cheap also, noe, So so you know, though it can be a viable option for people, there are a lot, like you said, to kind of think through and um, lots of process before you make that kind of a decision. Absolutely, And I think the other thing that was really um just just is this has been coming up more for me and with my work. I've just been spending more time looking at it. And I think age makes such a huge difference here. And again it's a viable option. But the older you get, unfortunately, the number of cycles you'll need to go through to get the number of viable eggs to potentially have a pregnancy later also goes up. And so the cost that you would have incurred had you sort of froze your eggs when you were thirty, it's gonna look very different than the cost you could potentially incur if you start to think about egg creasing at thirty six or thirty seven and then beyond. And so I think just again, feeling really well informed about it, um and talking to others who have either done it or haven't done it is really is really important. Uh. And to to watch how much that pressure you're feeling about having a partner about starting a family is sort of weighing on you. Um, and as you said, thinking about those alternatives to motherhood or alternative paths to motherhood, I should say, right, So, I think actor male and we haven't really touched on this, and I think that we really need to that. There is also a large part of like this whole conversation around like being single when you don't really want to. That is a grief kind of a conversation and really having to grieve the loss of these ideas about what you thought your life might be right now, grieving these ideas of what parenting may look like for you in the future. You know, maybe you wanted to do it with a partner, but you're committed and you will choose to do it, you know, single, you know, just grieving lots of these ideas and potentials that we thought we would lead to. So what kinds of conversations of what kinds of tips and strategies might you offer around like dealing with some of the grief around some of this issue. Mm hm. So I think it's it's first just naming that that's where you are, that you are in this process of of mourning and again experience what you're you're labeling is grief. We as women often don't name our emotions or even want to honor them that that's what we're actually going through. And so part of the process and the healing is being able to say, yeah, you know, I I am struggling with the fact that I thought that at thirty five I would be at the height of my career, I would have this amazing partner, and I would have at least one or two kids, if not thinking about more. And that's not where I am. And so and I'm and I'm sad about that, right, I'm I'm really sad about that. I'm really struggling with that. And so being able to first just name that that's where you are, and to too and when I say honor that, I mean to accept it, to not judge yourself or beat yourself up or you know, call yourself a loser or sit or or even start that dreaded comparison game. Right, Um, all of my friends are married and have you know, children, what's wrong with me? Um? And so to to really sort of accept and honor those feelings of where you are and to be not necessarily that you have to be okay with it, but that you just have to accept, right. And the second thing is to not to compare, because it's the It's one of the hardest things to do, right Dr Joyce, to not compare ourselves and look at others and think they have something I want. I don't have it. What does that mean about me? And so to stop that comparison if we can, and this is not easy work to do. It's definitely hard work to do, but to stop the comparisons and then to figure out what does the new picture look like? Right? So, where is my life now? I'm gonna go back to this idea of mindfulness in the moment, because that's what mindfulness is. It's about being in present moment and recognizing where you are now. And so some of this work is saying, okay, so this old picture, I'm going to grieve this old picture that I had in my head. Um again, I have to let that go because it's not where I am currently, and I have to look at what I have currently and figure out what does it mean that I'm here? What are the things in my life that I'm enjoying and experiencing right now that feel good for me? And where are the areas that I want to make changes, got you. Yeah. I also think related to that comparison game is really important. I think for people to be mindful of just because you are single and may be excited about being single, doesn't mean that everybody else is in that place, right, And sometimes I see see that going the other way, like, oh, don't worry about being important, like you get to wake up when you want and you don't have all these other responsibilities and all of that stuff. And while there may be some truth to that, that is not everybody's experienced. So, you know, being mindful of comparing yourself the other way as well, right right? Absolutely? Um, that mindfulness is huge. Yeah, it really is. Is that something that you are doing with a lot of your clients who are struggling with this kind of thing, is just helping them to stay really focused on like the present moment and what you can have patrol over. Yes, you know, a big part of of what people struggle with is they're thinking about again, I'm getting stuck in the past or thinking about what is my future going to look like? And those are really dangerous places to hang out, you know, especially if your past has been one that's been very difficult and has been sort of marked by a lot of hurt and relationships that you haven't loved or they're just just haven't worked out. And then the future is also I mean it can be great, but again dangerous places to hang out if you're just longing and longing for something. And so I do I do a lot of mindfulness work with people, and I really encourage people to focus on what's going on in the present. What are your thoughts doing right now, Where are your thoughts going in this very moment. How do you get more centered on your body and how you're feeling in this moment. It encourages you to stay in touch with yourself and to connect with yourself in a way that you can't do if you're stuck in the past or always looking at the future. Yeah, and I feel like it is a very delicate balance, you know, because a lot of what we talked about today is kind of like goal setting almost, like you know, like making sure you're going out and you know, doing these kinds of things. It is important to kind of strike the right balance of Okay, I'm doing these things with the hope of like meeting people, but also this is where I am now. Mm. Hmmm mm hm. Yes, So are there some resources back the mail that you find yourself recommending over and over that your clients have really enjoyed related to this topic. Yes, so I always tell people to so on the top topic of just mindfulness and sort of like getting yourself together with that particular piece. There is a um A book called the ten Minute Mindfulness. Especially if you're just starting your practice, it's a good way to kind of get yourself going right. So it's called ten Minute Mindfulness of Anyone Habits for living in the present moment. You can find it on Amazon um but it's a really great sort of way for you to start off your mindfulness journey. There is also a new book that I recently read, how to Be Single and Happy, and it's by after Jennifer Tate's t A I t Z. It's another good one. And then there's a book that actually you recommended, Dr Joy that I give to my clients called Getting Past the Breakup. So I like that one because it sort of gives us this getting past your breakup. I like it because it helps you in some ways to think about that last relationship and sort of to start to think about that self assessment piece that um we were talking about a little earlier. Okay, perfect, And where can we find you? Dr Mill? What's your website as well as any social media handles you want to share? Sure? So my website is uh www dot renewed Focus dot com. So I'll spell it a as an apple R E and as in Nancy E W E d as and dog f O C as in cat us dot com, so a renewed Focus dot com. I am on on Instagram at fit PhD mama m O M m A, and then I am also on Twitter as at fit PhD mama and on Facebook as at dr Mel pH d and dr is d R m E l p h D perfect And of course all this will be included in the show notes for anybody who missed any of those. Well, thank you so much for chatting with us today, Dr Mel, I really appreciate it. This has been amazing. Thank you so much for having me on the podcast. I loved having this conversation with you, and so I appreciate you having me here. Thank you. I'm so thankful Dr Mail was able to share her expertise with us today. To find out more information about her and the resources that she shared. Visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash one oh five and you know we want to hear your thoughts about the episode, so please be sure to share them with us on social media using the hashtag t b G in session. And if you love the episode, go ahead in Texas. It's two of your girls right now so that they can check it out as well. Don't forget to show some support for our sponsors for this episode. Color Noir in O I R is the first and only coloring book app celebrating black women in culture. It's free to download and to get it, all you have to do is open up your io s app store, search for Color Noir in o I R and enjoy. Make sure you hit subscribe in the app so that you can get all of the amazing images, updates and premium content dropping each and every month. And be sure to check out Natural Sious. 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Thank y'all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care. What What

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The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a license 
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