Life After Divorce

Published Nov 14, 2018, 8:00 AM
For this week's episode, we're exploring many of the transitions that occur after a divorce. For this conversation I was joined by Chautè Thompson, LMHC who is a therapist in Florida. Chautè and I discussed some of the common challenges that might come up when contemplating a divorce or after a divorce, things to be mindful about when coparenting after a divorce, tips for knowing when you’re ready to date again, and she shared some of her favorite resources about life after divorce. 

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Welcome to the Therapy for a Black Girls Podcasts, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session eighty three of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. In today's episode, we'll be digging into some of the challenges that may come up after a divorce. But before we get to that, I want to remind you that the doors of the Yellow Couch Collective are now open and we've already started having some amazing conversations about how to be more assertive in our communication, dating in a new City, and Michelle Obama's new book Becoming Later this month, we'll be having a live Q and A with Shamira Howard, the sexologist you heard a few episodes ago to talk more about sexual freedom. So, if you have been looking for a space to connect with other Black women while also developing skills to help you thrive in your life and relationships, this is the place for you. Join us today at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C to secure your early bird pricing for today's conversation. I'm joined by Chautey Thompson. Chautey is a licensed clinician, speaker, author, consultant, educator, transformation coach, and certified family mediator. She's owner of Inspiring Hope Counseling Services, a private practice in Florida which focuses on helping families strengthen their family unit to become healthier and happier, and with families of divorce to transition smoothly. She's also the founder of Brand New Me, which focuses on providing resources, education, and empowerment enabling women to rediscover and redefine themselves, growing past the pain of divorce and other life changing events. Chartey and I discuss some of the common challenges that might come up when contemplating a divorce or after a divorce. Thanks to be mindful about when co parenting after a divorce, tips for knowing when you're ready to date again, and she shared some of her favorite resources about life after divorce. If you hear something while listening that really resonates with you, please share it with us on social media using the hashtag tb G in sestion. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for joining us today, Chas. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for the invitation. Yeah, I'm excited to talk with you because there definitely have been lots of conversations, especially in the Thrive tribe or women who are either kind of contemplating divorce or in the early phases of divorce, And so I wanted to hear from you as someone who specializes in working with women who are, you know, kind of navigating the divorce process. What are some of the common challenges that come up for women in this process, maybe like right before divorce proceedings start and then immediately after. Okay, when individuals or women are thinking about divorce and they're going through the separation phase or just having a difficult time with their spouse. Many times, if they have children, they're thinking about how is it going to affect their kids? How are their kids going to be able to function living in two homes and not really wanting their kids to have to live in two homes. So they're kind of struggling internally if they can stick it out and stay in the relationship or if they really should leave and focus on doing life a little bit different. So that's one of the main struggles that you hear many women dealing with when they have kids and they're in a relationship that they're not exactly happy in anymore. Some of the other things that they're focusing on are how are they going to manage moving from a two income home to a one income home. So they're trying to make sense of the transition, and that of course has provided that there were two incomes to begin with, right, like, because I can imagine that another transition could be you know, like if the woman was not working in her partner was you know, kind of the primary breadwinner. So yeah, involved, you know, like, Okay, what am I going to do to kind of be able to support myself and my family? Yes, very very true. Where now they're trying to make sense of okay, and I need to actually do something different, find the job, find a way to be able to support my children support myself. So I work with a lot of women that have gone through this, and then what they start to do is they start to backtrack and either start to develop some skills or think back on skills that they have had to use that to actually start looking for work and start entering the workfield. And can you think of any different challenges that maybe coming up for someone who maybe doesn't have children for sure? In the visuals without children and individuals with with children as well, they have the concern of friendships because many times when we're married, we have joint friendships. We might have couples that we constantly went out with and mingle with, or we might have friends that were our spouses friend but it became our friend as well or vice versus. So now it's the struggle of am I going to continue to hang out with indivisuals? Are they going to continue to be my friend? Am I going to be able to trust them with what's happening within me? How much do I share? How much do I not share? So that concern of who's actually in my corner, who's not in my corner, and how am I going to move forward without these same individuals in my life. Am I going to be alone totally alone, without friends and without my significant other? Yeah? I do think that that is an interesting thing, and I think probably that's not something that's at the top of the list right like when everything is going on, but it is a big deal when you're thinking about, you know, like your support system and who's going to be able to kind of help you through this process, there may be a shake up in the friends circle. Um so, so can you give any suggestions for somebody who may be trying to navigate that, Like, are there any strategies you would help somebody to kind of work through to kind of figure out what happens with friends? Definitely on. Some of the strategies that I've used when working with clients are to start to make sense of what you're comfortable sharing and what you're not comfortable sharing. Starting to set some boundaries in place, because many times when we have shared friends, we don't want individuals to share our personal emotions and what's happening with us with the expouse. So it's important to set some standards and boundaries in place with our present friends so they know what we're comfortable with and what we're not comfortable with and really just voicing how we feel that we're able to be a startive enough to let them know how you'd like the friendship to move forward, seeing that it's going to be some changes happening. Yeah, I mean, I think sometimes you hear the joke about, you know, like who gets the friends and the divorce, right, that could also be another you know, like you would be grieving the end of this relationship, but there may also be some grieving related to friendships that have now changed or dissolved as a result of the divorce. Yes, very much so. So, I mean, when it comes to grief, this is something that's very high on the concerns for are in the visuals that are going through divorce because now they're they're trying to make sense of what they're feeling. And many times, while you're still in the relationship, you start to actually grief, and you're going through those five stages of grief while you're in the relationship and shortly after the relationship has ended. So what are some of the common feelings that come up for people when they are in the divorce process. Some of the common feelings comes with first denial, where you are not really trying to deal with any of the emotion. You're really just going with the flow. And once you start to go with the flow more and more and you're starting to make sense of your truly not happy, that's when you start to say, okay, everything might start to irritate you. Anything that they do that before you might have thought was cute, it's really just irritating you. Because you're just truly just not happy and not in a good place with your spouse and even with friends and family. Different things might start to anger you and bother you and irritate you throughout the process. And as you start to see that happen more and more, and you're going through trying to process how you're feeling and what's going on, you're thinking about the many different ways of how you can try and make this situation different and how you can make it better. So you're thinking a lot about the what ifs and the should have, could have, what is and okay if I change this? Your processing your own self and trying to understand your own emotion through it all, and it's just a lot of confusion. That's that's happening. This is what many individuals that are going through divorce start to happen, and then it goes right back to anger again because you're so upset that if there was infidelity, or if they're not valuing your feelings, or if they're not even trying to understand what you're unhappy about, all of that place a role with your feelings and processing. Do you think that there are differences in what comes up if you are the one initiated the divorce versus if you are the one who your partner has initiated the divorce on that's a really good question. It doesn't really matter who's initiating. Either way, you're going to feel the stages of grief. Either way. It is a loss. It is a traumatic experience. So for those initiating and for those that have been served and now have to go through this process not by their own choice, both parties are hurting deeply because this is a big aspect of their life that is changing drastically. So for both parties it's very traumatic. Social say, I know you do you also work in addition to being a therapist, you also work as a mediator, So can you talk a little bit about when somebody might use those services and what do you do in that role, oh definitely. As a mediator. This is a facilitator for divorce. So when someone's thinking about divorce and they're thinking that they want to not have to spend as much money when it comes to a litigation in the courts, they can go through a mediator. When both parties are somewhat amalable, you're able to make decisions to um that's best for your family, even though you're not going to be together anymore. So as a mediator, what I do basically is I help families work through dividing their assets, working through their thoughts about alimony, thinking about child support and time sharing with their children, and then if there's any depth that they need to divide as well. So during this process, we are sitting down and talking about all of the important things for their family and how to work through it. And once everyone comes up with decisions being made, I can type everything up for their court documents and they can file that for their divorce. And I know that a lot of the things that you're talking about tend to be like the sticking points for couples, right like it tends to become about sometimes can be like a volleying for control over some of these domains that you've talked about as a way to kind of, you know, maybe get back at the partner or you know, to establish some control where you don't feel like anything else is in control. Come out maybe how um, how these sessions look like, how do you manage you know, maybe some of the titchen and maybe they are related to some of these topics. Yes, but there's very high tension in the room during those times. But really, what what I try and do is I helped them to see the big picture and I helped them to see that it's them actually being able to make decisions for themselves instead of the court and the judge having to make decisions for them. So when we do this, it's where we kind of go back and forth and they are negotiating and I'm simply facilitating. So I might either have them in the same room. If they're able to be in the same room they have lawyers, that's a plus because now they're lawyers are definitely advocating for each of them, and if I need to separate them, I do that as well. If they're truly just not getting along, I go back and forth between two rooms to let them know, okay, what are the deal breakers, the what someone's not gonna move on, and what we are able to actually make decisions on. Now, what happens in that process is if both parties there are certain things that they are not going to agree on no matter what, then those things they're going to have to take to court. So they're aware of that, and they can decide based on what they want to put their foot really firmly down with. And then sometimes they start to say, Okay, you know what, it's not that serious. I'm okay, And they might not be extremely happy about it, but they'll start to see that all right, I just don't want to fight as hard anymore, and we're able to all come up with some type of decisions that work best for everyone. So I'm guessing you would do this with like brand new couples. You would necessarily do this with anybody who, like you're involved in individual therapy with Oh no, I do not. I'm not able to have any of my in the visual clients come on as a client for mediation. It's it's completely separate, got you, okay, Okay. Definitely wanted to make sure I got understanding of it. Um So Another thing I think that often comes up, especially if there are children involved, is you know, wanting to make sure that like the children are not caught in the middle. Um, So, what kinds of things do you work with your clients on to, you know, to help them to make sure that they are putting their children's best interests first and not you know, kind of getting using the children in some kind of a punitive way in the divorce proceedings. Yes. Um, that's an excellent question because I do have a lot of families with children that are going through divorce. So I do a lot of educating to help them understand the importance of not having their children send messages between them, not bad out think the other parents in front of their children, and helping their children to understand that it's not their fault, really making age appropriate language for their child, to understand why individuals get married and why individuals get divorced. So that's something that I do in session, and then I practice that with parents so they're able to continue those type of conversations and support for their kids at home. And I think it also gets complicated, you know, because I know a lot of times after a divorce, you know, you want there to kind of be like a no contact kind of thing. That is almost impossible with children if you don't have children. What kinds of things maybe do you work with your clients on to help them to kind of cut that contact with the ex. Okay, well, many times when they do not have children, they don't want to have any contact with their X because they're so upset and irritated with the process of divorce and it's just a lot of bitterness and hate and unhappiness involved. So really what I do, because they might be connected on social media or they might be connected through chat groups that they used to be in, So for that I really talk with them about healthy boundaries, and I speak with them about how it makes them feel when they are interacting and how it affects them. And once we start to talk through that and they're able to see that it's really a trigger for them, we get to better understand. All right, how can we set some some space between and have some boundaries in place and only speak when need be or interact when need be and able to do so amicably and would say or maybe some suggestions or like people So maybe not soon after the divorce, because people probably aren't necessarily ready to date again, but then actually maybe a good question like how would somebody know that they are ready to date again after a divorce? Ha ha. I love that question because many times when we are trying to self soothe or have distractions, many times and the visuals rush back into the data scene instead of doing the work internally on self. Right. So what I'd like to work with my clients, my individual clients and my coaching clients. I kind of break down how they can become whole, how they can grow into their brand new self and do some self discovery to better understand themselves before they jump into a relationship. Because if we jump into a relationship before we are whole, then we're looking for someone else to complete us instead of being complimented by our significant other. So to do that self work, I start to have them first think about some of their likes that they might have lost track of while they were taking care of everyone else. Because many times we all get lost as we are taking care of our children, are taking care of our spouse, or attending to our friends and working, we lose track of who we are at the core. So I work with them on really getting back to the basics of who they are, what they truly enjoy, and then starting to step out into some type of adventures to see what are some likes that you never thought that you might have even had. So as they do that, they start to learn themselves all over again. So that's one thing that I love to do with my clients. In addition to that, I helped them with the apology that they never received. Because many times we're looking for our ex to apologize to us for all of different ways that they've hurt us, and sometimes that apology never comes. So now instead of focusing on trying to get the apology, we have to focus on the lessons that we learned throughout the relationship and from other relationship ending what are some lessons that we can take from it to be able to improve and interact with others in a more healthy and happy way. And I would imagine Channa say, you know that there would be like a significant period of you know, like really having difficulty trusting new people that you're dating, right, and not even necessarily just if there was infidelity. I mean, I'm pretty sure they're for sure, um, but even you know, even if there was not an infidelity involved in the divorce and it just ended because you know, you grew upart or whatever. I think it probably would still be very difficult for somebody to kind of, you know, trust that somebody maybe has good intentions or where is this heading? You know that? So how do you work with your clients around you know, just the maybe like hesitance to kind of put themselves back out there again. Well, what I like to do is I work with some of Renee Brown's work. So what I like to do is I like to talk to them about the marble jar friendships and how they're able to build trust little by little, because it's it's in the small situations, the small moments that trust has truly built. So I talked to them and just educate them first about what trust is and how they feel that someone has earned their trust. And many times what takes places. They start to tell me that someone earned their trust by calling them and just checking on them during their difficult days after their divorce. And when these individuals check on them, it helps them to know that this person cares. And when we see the small moments of building with people that we have in our lives, the trust starts to build more and more. So I like to first approach it that way, but then I want to bring attention to how trust is lost so they're able to recognize when trust is truly being built instead of being focused on not wanting to open themselves up to trust at all. So can you say more about the marble joy friendship. I think I don't know that I'm familiar with that kind, Okay for sure. According to Burnee Brown, we have marble jar friends and the way that it works with our Marble Jar friends basically is us This built in these small situations. It could be from someone calling us when we're not feeling well, to someone knowing that we have a really big job interview and they contacted us after the interview to check and see how it went. To someone seeing that we're crying or seeing that we're sad and they come and just rub our back or they take us out just to get our mind off of things. By these small moments of people showing that they're in our corner, that they truly care. Um, that's how trust is built. It's not from the humongous gestures. It's really from the small gestures that a marble is placed in the in the marble jar, and the more this is done, the stronger the trust is with this individual. Um. So that's the way that that it's built, and the same way that it's built, it's it's in small moments where the marbles are removed. So sometimes you might just start to disk since yourself from individuals based on small things that that happen, and over time you are not as close anymore. So it's important to remember that. So as you're building friendships, as your meeting significant others or potential significant others, you're able to open yourself up to remembering that it's in the small moments that this a person actually showed me that they cared and that I matter. So that sounds like it could be even a cool like activity to do, like literally, you know, like as you're kind of developing, you know, like let's say you do start dating again and you keep a jar with actual like something like every time somebody does something to you kind of gain your trust, then you do put a marble in the joy so that you have a quite literal representation of, you know, how the relationship is developing. It's very funny that you say that because I have had one client that one side educated her about the marble jars. She did actually start that process. I can see how for some clients it would be really helpful to do something like that. Yeah, so are there other issues trying to say that we have not addressed that you feel like, oh, this definitely comes up a lot with my clients. Well, definitely what comes up with many clients as they are working through the self discovery piece is just the fear of being vulnerable and the fear of putting themselves out there again. So it's it's I really start to work with them about doing the work on self where they are sending some time educating themselves and finding ways to date themselves and too well spend some time reading and working with getting their social support system stronger. So I try really hard to help them to focus more on themselves instead of on everyone else that probably hurt them or that's not in their life as much anymore. Okay, And I know that is you know, like your whole brand right, like brand new me. So really helping people to rediscover themselves. And you know, like you mentioned, what are the hobbies that I kind of lost sight of or or there are new things that I want to do now, you know, like really helping them to kind of realize this is a part of your story, but it doesn't have to like define the entire story. Yes, very true. And then when it comes to co parenting, finding a way to communicate with your ex that's going to be healthy for your children. So what I like to do with clients is just help them to find ways where they can either email or text or not really having to do too much with the other spouse or their ex, so it's not hindering there on children. Got it? And are there other strategies that you have suggested besides like email or text? Are there are other things that you have found to be effective. Email is the safest way because it's a way to keep a record of what's going back and forth, and it's something that if something does go left, it's something that can be used in court to show that there is a disagreement where anything it's not working in the favor of your children. Okay, so that's one of those cases you were talking about where if like they couldn't figure it out, they would have to let go to a judge to figure that piece out. Yes, So what are some of your favorite books related to this issue. One of the books that I truly loved um is Loving Bravely. It's twenty lessons of self discovery to help you get the love you want, and that's by Alexandra Solomon. So in that book, you really start to do the work on self. You start to understand your history when it comes to relationships that you personally had with your parents and how that came into the mix with your significant others um and then from there or you're able to better understand how to move forward in new relationships. So that's a really good one. Another book that I recommend is by Hill Harper. It's The Conversation How Men and Women can build loving, trusting Relationships. So with that when he talks a lot about his own relationships while he's interviewing singles, couples, and divorces, and from there we can all learn from their experiences and place it into how it affects us and how we can grow and do better. And the last book is by Renee Brown. It's called The Gifts of Imperfection. So that was one of my favorites because it's where we start to work through shame because many times when we go through a divorce, we're blaming ourselves for a lot of what's transpired, or we feel um ashamed that we actually even went through a divorce. So it's where we start to do the internal work and we start to be able to be vulnerable with ourselves and with others and be authentic and understand how that all plays a role with who we would like to be. So it's letting go of our past and embracing our future. Okay, okay, And where can people find you online? What's your website as well as any social media handles you'd like to share From my website, there's Brand New Me Journey and there's Inspire Hope Health Healing. So for Brand New met Journey, this is where I provide coaching and consulting for individuals that want to go through divorce. I can coach them through the process and then I also helped them after the divorce has taken place to help them actually accept what has happened and grow into their best selves. And with Inspire Hope Health Healing, I counsel mothers, I count soul children and families that are going through divorce or have gone through divorce or separated and I help them strengthen their family unit, working from individuals to families. And for Facebook, I have a Facebook community called brand New Me Phenomenal You. But this is where you can get great resources, you can get great support, you can connect with other individuals that are on their own journey to grow into their best selves, because it's a lifelong journey. As we are going through breakups. It could be divorced, or it could be just a long relationship that we were in that now we're no longer there. So we're trying to make sense of our world. Okay, in any Instagram or Twitter, Yes, I do have Instagram. Sorry. Instagram is Chante Thompson, and Twitter is also Chante Thompson and and Facebook as well. All right, and we will include all of that information in the show notes for anyone who needed Thank you so much for joining us today, Chews, Hey, I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me. It was a pleasure. Thank you. I'm so grateful chart he was able to share her expertise with us today. To learn more about her and her practice, visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot Com slash Session eighty three and please make sure to share your takeaways from the episode with us in your I G stories are on Twitter, be sure to use the hashtag t b G in session so that we can find them and share them. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, be sure to visit the therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And don't forget to check out the Therapy for Black Girls swag store to grab yourself a T shirt or a mug to show your love for the podcast. And if you want to continue this conversation, come on over and join us in the Thrive tribe at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash trib. Make sure you answer the three questions that are asked to gain entry. Thank you all so much for joining me again this week, and I look forward to continue in this conversation with you all real soon. Take it care

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