Session 62: Lessons from the Red Table

Published Jun 20, 2018, 7:00 AM
My favorite episode of Red Table Talk so far has been the one that featured a conversation between Jada and Gabrielle Union about this weird tension that existed between them for years. This conversation highlighted an issue that I think comes up for a lot of us, what happens when we're intimidated in some way? I shared 3 questions to help you figure this out for yourself and also answered a couple of On the Porch questions.

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Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr joy Hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To get more information, visit the website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for session sixty two of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. If you haven't heard about it, then I want to take some time today to introduce you to one of my new favorite things to watch online, Red Table Talk. It's a Facebook watch show featuring Jada Pinkett Smith, her mom Adrian, and her daughter Willow. The premise is to have intergenerational conversations about a variety of topics, including things like sex and parenting. I love this show for lots of different reasons. One is that we watch it together every Monday night in the Thrive Tribe, so we can all watch it in real time and offer our commentary online. It's almost like we're all in one big theater being able to shout our thoughts at one another. And two, it sheds light on some very important topics that I really think need to be discussed in our community. So far, the episode that has been my favorite was the one where Gabrielle Union was invited as a guest to have a seat at the table. So apparently there was this long standing weird tension between Gabrielle and Jada, and neither of them really knew where it came from or why they were holding onto it, so they took this opportunity to have a conversation about it. They shared about how the tension likely was a result of some of their own insecurities and a lack of taking accountability on their parts. I was particularly struck by one story that Gabrielle shared where she was at a party and another sister walked into the party and she wondered out loud, how did she get in? She doesn't look like she belongs In the moment, Gabrielle was deep in her feelings, but a friend challenged her to think about what she gained from actually putting this sister down and then it clicked for her. She was able to acknowledge that she became defensive and felt like she was shrinking in response to her perception of what this other woman was. What do you think when you walk into a room and you see that sister, you know, the one I'm talking about, the one with the fly outfit and the perfect twist out, the one that can obviously command a room with her charm and conversation. When situations like this happened in your life, how do you respond? Do you shrink like Gabrielle shared and lash out? Do you withdraw and check out of the moment? Or do you expand and try to take up all the space in the room and become the thing that everybody is paying attention to. If your answer to this question is one that you're not very proud of, here are some questions that I want you to consider. One, where does this come from? Can you remember the first time that you had a reaction like this? When was the last time that you had a reaction like this? Are there similarities in the environments when you notice yourself having this kind of response? What are they getting an understanding of where this comes from for you can give you a good endo cation of what you need to do to fix it. Question number two, who are your people who can pull your coldtails in love? As Jada says, and tell you them maybe unpleasant and not so easy to hear truth about yourself. And if you have those people, can you actually hear what they have to say? Many of us have great friends who can share things in love, but oftentimes we're not ready to receive it. But many of us also have friends who thrive in our insecurities. So if we change, then what are they left with? Which friends do you have and what can y'all do as a collective to help each other be your best selves? And question number three what do you need to start taking responsibility for? Another part I loved about this episode was Gabrielle's description of what she calls the cloak of victimhood. Maybe you have one hanging in the back of your closet somewhere. It's this whole idea of everything in your life happening to you as if you're not an active participant in your life. We have to be honest. Sometimes we have messed up interactions with others because we're giving off a messed up energy. We're acting out of our hurts and insecurities. So what do you need to clear up in your life so that you have a better chance of having more positive interactions? This might involve some journaling to get to the bottom of things. Are working with the therapist to help you work through some of the issues that just might be holding you back. Either way, if you keep having the same kinds of issues with the same kinds of people, the common denominator there is you. So you've got to figure out how to move on from this place to a place that allows you to have the type of interactions you truly desire. So tell me what you think. Have you found yourself in these kinds of situations? What helped you to do things differently? I'd love for you to share your insights about the episode with us on social media. Be sure to use the hashtag tb G in Session and make sure to tag our accounts. You can find us on Twitter at Therapy for the Number four be Girls, and you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at Therapy for Black Girls. We also have a couple of on the Porch questions this week. Question number one is from Monica Monica says, I've been seeing a therapist to talk through some things going on, but I've discovered that beneath that I have been diagnosed with o c D, generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD, so much so that medication was recommended to help with things. I completely understand where my therapist is coming from, but I'm having a really hard time accepting that something is wrong and moving forward effectively with this new information. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for sharing, Monica. I'm happy to hear that you're working with a therapist, and I know that in the long run, you'll be able to appreciate the progress you make. But I also understand how you're likely feeling very overwhelmed and hesitant right now. I actually did a three for Thursday video about this a couple of months ago. UM, so you definitely want to check that out if you have it, and i't link to it in the show notes so that you can find it for easy access. But I will also summarize here what I shared in that video. So the first thing that you want to do after you have received a diagnosis and you know shocking news like this is to allow yourself the time and space to experience the range of emotions that you're likely having now. So it sounds like there is some shocks, some denial, maybe some anger there, and all of that is valid. You may be experiencing some grief, kinds of reactions, there may be some relief even um to kind of finally have a name or an idea about what's going on there. Whatever you're feeling is totally normal and valid, and it really is important to give yourself time to experience it and to process it with your therapist. So if you haven't talk with your therapist about what it feels like to now have this diagnosis, I definitely would encourage you to have that conversation with your therapists. The second thing that you want to do is to make sure you have an excellent treatment team. So it sounds like you already really enjoy working with your therapists. If you're going to start on medication, you also want to make sure that you find a provider who you feel like we'll really listen to you and will answer any questions you have. You're far more likely to actually stick with the treatment plan if you feel like your providers actually hear your concerns and are responsive to your needs. So I would maybe ask your therapist for a recommendation of who they would recommend in terms of a psychiatrist or UM, whoever is going to be prescribing, because they may have a good working relationship which would only benefit you likely UM, so ask that therapist for a recommendation if you do plan to start medication. And then the third thing that you want to do is to cultivate a strong support system, and that includes anybody in person, so any family or friends who you think are really supportive. Also, i'd encourage you to look online for any kinds of communities that may be really helpful. You can check out nami UM, the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They may have a local chapter where you are, and you can also check the website for things like the International O c D Foundation. They have links to lots of resources that may be helpful to you, because having support from others, particularly those who are intimately aware of some of the issues you maybe struggling with, can really be helpful right now and help you to feel less isolated. So I definitely hope that this helps, and again I will link to that video that I did, because there was also an opportunity for people to ask any questions they had after I shared those tips, so you may benefit from that question and answer on portion as well. Thanks again for writing in Monica. Question number two comes from Rhonda. Rhonda stated, I just started listening to your podcast and I'm at the episode about friends. I just recently had an experience with a friend where I've been deemed the toxic one. I'm a tourist and would say that many have characterized me as bossy, but I'm actually really sensitive and feel things deeply. In this specific situation that happened, I was not being bossy or mean, but my friend was. Heia messing and lashed out on me, so I removed myself from our friends group chat to remove myself. I was hurt because she considers herself to be my best friend and I was surprised at her lashing out in the heat of this argument. She said to me, it's not Rhonda's world, and later on, my other two friends that are in the group chat said she was annoyed by me because I'm reactionary and that she was not going to chase me. I chose not to engage in an argument with her because, as mentioned above, I'm deem bossy and I'm tired of always being the bad guy. Two weeks passed and it was the day before my birthday and she sent me a text asking me if I was coming over to her house to pregame since we were supposed to be going to a concert together that day, and agreed upon that before the argument, But I did not respond to her because I don't think it's normal to not speak to someone for two weeks and then come over to their house as if nothing has happened. The following day, she texted me Happy birthday and I expressed that to her, and she told me that I prolonged the situation, adding on negativity. However, I do not feel that she acknowledged my feelings and us not understand how someone can move on without talking to someone about what happened. Long story short, we have not spoken since because she feels like nothing happened. As I write this, I realized I may have ghosted on her, as you mentioned in the podcast What Are Your Thoughts? I'm writing this because it has left me in a very vulnerable state where I feel isolated and misunderstood. Thank you so much for writing in with this question, Ronda. It definitely sounds like this is a bit of a sticky situation. Um. So, first, I think that any time we repeatedly hear a word like BOSSI used to describe us, we have to do some assessment to determine whether it's accurate. Now, you may do the assessment and disagree with what others are saying, but I do think it warrant's an assessment. So, how have you been engaging with your friends that has made them feel as though you always want to be in control? Maybe you can try asking them or some feedback and see why they feel this way or why do they see you this way? In regards to this particular friend, it sounds like this may have been a conflict that likely could have been handled pretty easily if y'all had spoken to one another, maybe even like two days later. But now it's been a couple of weeks and the story you've created around this incident has just gotten larger and larger. So at this point, probably no one wants to be the first one to call, But if the friendship is important to you, then it may be worth the call. It's hard to know how your friend perceived the incident because we don't have her thoughts, But I wonder if the disagreement that you guys had really wasn't a big deal to her and she was fine after a few days and just wanted to give you time to cool off. Her texting you about your birthday indicates to me that maybe she was over whatever happened and wasn't going to let it stop her from celebrating your birthday. Sadly, many of us don't know how to actually apologize when we've done something wrong, but instead just try to move on and hope that the other person is still not mad. But again, all of this could have been fleshed out if there had been a conversation. You would have been able to share how she hurt your feelings and clear up whatever you feel like was misunderstood, and she could have responded in whatever way she chose. But since that convo didn't happen, we're now here weeks later with all of these questions. So if you feel up to it, I do think that this still warrants a conversation. I'd encourage you to maybe invite her to have a conversation and share any lingering, concerns or thoughts you have about this situation. But more importantly, I think you could have a conversation that allows you, guys, to figure out how you want to handle conflict and disagreements in the future. It sounds like you're really good friends, or at least you have been, and so this likely won't be the only time there will be conflict. So having a plan for like how you might be able to handle this in the future may actually do you some good. I really hope this helps let me know how it turns out. If you have that conversation. If you have a question or a situation you'd like some feedback about, send it over to me at podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls dot com and it just might be answered on the show. If you want to continue the conversations we have on the podcast, or join us for the next Red Table Talk watch party, join us over in the thrive tribe. You can request to join at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash tribe. Be sure to answer the three questions that are asked for entry. If you're looking for a therapist in your area, make sure to check out the directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. I'm also really excited to announce that we are now accepting guest submissions for the Therapy for Black Girls website. So, if you are a licensed mental health professional and you have a piece to share that you think that our audience would really love to hear, visit Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash guest hyphen Bloggers to get more details about how to submit, and again, all of that information will be including in the show notes. You can find that at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash Session sixty two. Thank you all again for joining me this week, and I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care after the art

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The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a license 
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