The Therapy for Black Girls Podcast is a weekly conversation with Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed Psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, about all things mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves.
Today’s session covers another topic requested by several community members and that is how to heal after an abortion. For this conversation I was joined by Keisha Wells, LPC. Keisha and I chatted about some of the common experiences women may struggle with after an abortion, how to support a friend who’s had an abortion, how support systems may change after an abortion, and she shares her favorite resources for anyone wanting additional support or information.
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Kay Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy hard and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or to find a therapist in your area, visit our website at Therapy for Black Girls dot com. While I hope you love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not meant to be a substitute for relationship with a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much for joining me for Session one forty of the Therapy You for Black Girls Podcast. Today's session is centered on another topic requested by several community members, and that's how to heal after an abortion. We know that this is a decision that can be very difficult to make and one that can be made for many different reasons in the aftermath, can be one that's very complicated to wait through. To offer her tips for healing and insight about how she works with clients in this space, we're joined today by Kesha Wells. Keisha is a licensed professional counselor and Perinato mental health specialists practicing in Columbus, Georgia. As the owner of Transformation Counseling Services, she helps women navigate the many transitions of womanhood and motherhood. Specifically, Kesha maintains a passion to support women who have endured life altering experiences such as pregnancy and infant laws and postpartum depression and anxiety. Kesha helps her clients to develop their voice and identify in grief and loss, as well as have hope and be empowered. She recently published her first book, From Three Heartbeats to One, a Gentle Companion offering hope in grieving pregnancy and infant loss. Keisha and I chatted about some of the common experiences women may struggle with after an abortion, how to support a friend who's had an abortion, how support systems may change afterwards, and she shares her favorite resources for anyone wanting additional support or information. If you hear anything while listening that resonates with you and you'd like to share, please share it with us on social media using the hashtag tv G in Session. Here's our conversation. Thank you so much for joining us a Keisha, thank you so much for having me on. Yeah, I'm happy that you were able to join us today because I know that your specialty is in working with women specifically around grief and perinatal lass and that kind of thing. And so this has been a topic that has been heavily requested by members of our community, is healing and taking care of yourself after an abortion. So I want to start Keisha by hearing like, what are some of the things that you find or you know previous clients are people that you've heard come in struggling with after an abortion. So in the aftermath, a person may struggle with grief emotional distress, which includes depression, feelings of regret, loneliness, feelings of sadness, and loss, particularly with loss that could look like a loss of identity, a loss of self esteem, even the loss of a partner or a loss of friendship, and ultimately a loss of what life and parenting could have been like with this child. A lot of times individuals state that they feel and complete, so may also be angry with themselves, with their body, with their significant other, even the medical professionals involved. And they may also wrestle with guilt, feeling that they've done a bad thing or shame, feeling that they're a bad person, that they're unworthy. They often struggle with confusion, you know, questioning if they made the right decisions, questioning what others may think about their decision, and even what others may think about them. And then two on the other end of the spectrum of you know, emotional issues and struggle as a person may lack feeling, They may experience numbness or detachment and be totally checked out on an emotional level. So really vary for each person, but many do report struggling in these specific areas. Yeah, I mean, and you really have shared a lot their keysha, because it feels like depending on like how this decision was made, and you know, the circumstances surrounding the decision making, like it really could determine like how you might react after actually having an abortion. Yeah, for sure, definitely, it's a very personal decision and very unique sort really very based on each person. And I want to go back to some of the things that you said around loss, because I think, you know, one, we tend to only think about loss as like somebody dying, right, and you really shared a lot of great information. It sounds like around like the loss of relationships that can sometimes result as after an abortion. Can you say more about that. Yeah, So a lot of times your world view really changes and so you change and the way that you interact with other individuals can also have a definite hit and have struggles and they may change as well. So with the loss of a partner, the relationship might take a hit, and so you lose that connection and some answers, couples may not stay together or there may be a loss of a friendship because you feel like that person that you thought was going to support you was not there for you at that time, so you may pull back. So your relationships can start to look different as your coping and dealing. You know with these emotions. You also really touched on Kisha v. Shame and guilt that can sometimes be related to this decision. And I'm curious, you know, from a therapeutic standpoint, like, what are some of the things that you might work with a client on to help, you know, to really kind of work through in process these feelings of shame and guilt. So I think it's really important to bring those emotions and feelings that you are experienced and to bring them to the surface so that you can deal so that you can identify and deal with that. When we think about shame, being able, you know, to separate the action or the experience from your identity. So that really is very important for a person to do because you know, the guilt says that I've done something that's bad, but in the shame part makes you feel like you are a bad person or that you're wholly unworthy, and that's really important to work through, you know, being able to differentiate between, like I said, your identity as a person versus your decision or the experience. I like that distinction that you made right, So the decision versus me as a person, those are not the same thing. What are some things or activities that you found in your work with clients that's helped them in healing after an abortion? So some individuals report that they have found peace and comfort in performing rituals or having ceremonies surrounding the laws. For instance, some have participated in candle ceremonies or memorial ceremonies. They've also served other women or families that are dealing with this type of issue, and some have been able to plant trees or create flower gardens and tribute or memorial. This is a way of kind of on ring their child, and some have even named their child as well. Mm hmmmmmm. Yeah, so in some ways it was you know, Jennie talked about some of these similar kinds of things on the episode that we did about healing after a miscarriage, right, so it sounds like in some ways it would be similar kinds of processes. Yeah, so I want to teach you. You mentioned also the idea that like you might lose some friendships because friends may not have supported you the way that you thought that they would. I'm curious to hear if you have suggestions about how friends can support someone after they've had an abortion. Yeah. I think one of the really important aspletes to keep in mind is that just being available, you know, letting your friend know that you care and that you're willing to help. Specifically, that looks like you're being non judgmental, being compassionate, really being present with your friends listening. It's vital. It's a major part of communication, but it's often overlooked at times, and so and wanted to be that helpful friend. You know, a lot of times we're thinking about what is it that I can't say or do, but listening it's just as important. So a friend could provide a listening ear. They could also do some research in this area to gain understanding about the impact of an abortion. They could even provide resources such as sharing this podcast and even asking your friend, the friend that you're wanting to support, ax them for insights on what they need or don't need at this time. That can really be beneficial. And finally, I'll just say, you know, respecting your friends emotional healing process and managing their emotions at this time. Like I mentioned before, you know, grieving as unique and as a personal process, and healing is a personal process. So you want to check in with your friends and allow them to be a subject matter expert on their needs and their wants, and allow them to give you insight if they're able to do so. Want to just back up a little bit also, Keysha, because you talked about like the loss of partnership, and I would imagine that that would be really difficult to kind of heal from and kind of renegotiate with your partner. Like let's say, specifically, if your decision was to terminate the pregnancy and your partner did not agree with that decision, right, and maybe what that work looks like in a therapy space, like how do you even broach that conversation with a partner, you know, like what kinds of ways as a therapist because you support a client in their partner in talking about some of these things. But I think really just being in a space to allow them both to kind of share their perspective, share their concerns, you know, allow them to share their emotions and really work with them on coming to a point of just being able to kind of respect differences and really giving them good communication tools to be able to use so that they can and in a third of way, be able to speak and deal with conflict in a respectful way. But that can be very difficult, you know, of course, and any type of couple's work, you know, if individuals are not on the same path, but it can be really helpful to allow them to have that space to be able to talk and share and then also help them to you know, be able to respect each other's points of view. Something else that I have you know, in reading Kisha, it seems like something else that people struggle with specifically related to like healing after an abortion is like thoughts about like difficulty having future children or if there is some difficulty with like miscarriages, are you know, struggles with fertility in the future that there is a lot tied to like, oh, this is like punishment so to speak, for a previous abortion. Yeah, some do report experiencing and having those types of thoughts, And I think that's where therapy can be really helpful to have a person sit down and kind of work through those thoughts and work with those emotions, and then also, you know, the person being able to when they have these thoughts, you know, to process that, but then to also kind of as a form of self care, being able to replace that type of thought pattern with some self compassion and some self love. But it is a definitely concern and fear for many that and that kind of goes back to the shame piece is that I'm bad. So because I've done something that perceived as bad then and I'm a bad person, then I'm not going to experience any good things, meaning that I'm not worthy. So there can be a loss there in their innocence and parenting and kind of change their views of what parenting can be like for them. I'm really glad that you touched on the self compassion piece because I feel like that would be huge when you're talking with the client about some of these concerns. Right, just the ability to kind of be very gentle and kind with yourself. Can you say more about that? I think that is like one of the most major aspects of self care because that looks like you being really intentional with identifying and paying attention to how you handle you. So are you working to silence that inner critics, that condemning or negative voice. Are you identifying and challenging those negative thoughts and beliefs that you have about yourself? And do you understand what that source of that inner judges? Where does where does those negative beliefs and those feelings come from? Where does that voice come from? So it's like I said before, it's really important to work to differentiate between the experience and your identity and also being able to know who you are even in the face of loss in this most difficult outcome, you know, it's important to remind yourself of your strength and remind yourself of the ways that you may have process and work some difficult endings and losses. In the past. So self care, compassion and self love and positive self taut is an aspect of self care. Mm hmm. And because you already talked about like how many losses there may be, I would imagine that sometimes this can be a very alienating process, right, and taking care of yourself and the self care and healing that comes afterwards may be very lonely, right because of some of the shame pieces, or if there have been losses in relationships. So can you talk about maybe some resources either online or in real life that people might be able to utilize that would be able to give them some additional support at that point. Sure, a lot of individuals have stated that that they received support from retreats, so they've identified the retreats as being comforting, compassionate. They stated that they received clarity and healing and attending these retreats. And a person can do just a simple online search and come up with various results, and they would just have to be able to identify what retreat looks best for them and what's closer you know to them in their location. But a lot of people have identified retreats as a safe space for them to be seen, to be heard, and validated, so that can be a good resource as well as using bibliotherapy, so that means going to an online search just looking at different books that you know you may be to reading your spare time and read privately to get insight and to get skills and learn a ways to cope and manage. One particular book is The Healing Choice, Your Guide to Emotional Recovery after an Abortion, and this book offers really thought provoking questions and challenges the reader to confront the unresolved feelings that they may be having. And it also shares the stories of other women and their personal experiences and working towards healing and emotional recovery. And finally, I would say that counseling is really a good resource as well, because this is really the and personal work. So it can be helpful to find a good therapist who's a good fit, who works in your area, who works specifically in this area to be able to give you, you know, some tools to help you process and work through your emotions, because not everybody has, you know, a strong support system. So sometimes counseling can be helpful because it allows you to be able to, you know, speak unfiltered and work with someone who's not biased and judgmental. So counseling can definitely be a safe space. So in addition to the workaround self compassion and providing support in the face of maybe losses of support, are there other pieces of the therapy way that you think are really important for somebody healing after an abortion. I think it's really important and kind of ties into self care as well, is just to allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to grieve and identify emotions. And that's something that is so hard for many of us. So many times when we are grieving, we run, you know, from those difficult emotions because they are hard and their unpleasant to feel at the time. But the failure to identify those feelings can be really detrimental because those feelings don't go away, and so if we're not intentional and learning how to channel or work through them, they'll show up in negative and harmful way. So I would say that maybe journaling or even using a feeling list to be able to help identify what you're feeling and help your process and articulate those emotions, that can be a great asset. I know some people don't like journaling because it can be kind of overwhelming and you may feel like, well, I don't know what to write. But just simply taking notes and jotting down phrases that come to mind, or even using bulletin lists or even drawing can be effective to help you recognize and track emotions. So I think journaling is a good exercise and tool to help a person and identifying their emotions and allowing themselves to feel. And something else I think that is important to talk about, Keysha, is that there may be kind of conflicting feelings that come up after an emotion, right, you know, because I think you know, for some people, it can be an experience of maybe sadness and grief, but also maybe some relief, depending again, depending on the circumstances. Right, And so I'm wondering how you might be able to, like, what you might be able to share for people who may be really confused about like WHOA that doesn't feel like I should quote unquote be feeling that right now? Yeah, so when we are grieving, you know, because like I said before, it is such a personal experience. You know, you do feel a lot of different emotions, so you may, like you said, feel those conflicting emotions. You might feel a sense of sadness and despair and then on one end, but on the other end, you may feel like you have made the best decision for yourself, so that might bring about a measure of relief. So there really are no rules and no right and wrong when it comes to greeting and it because it is such a personal experience and it varies from person to person and it is so unique. There really are no rules to that. There's no right or wrong way to that. Yeah, And I think this is where, you know, sometimes the friendship piece can kind of get really sticky, right because it feels like for a lot of other things, maybe you don't agree with your friend in terms of relationship choices or whatever, but you still find a way to be there. Right. But it feels like abortion is one of those things, you know, because of the politics and morality and all those things that are tied into it. It feels like this is where it can be really confusing sometimes about like how to show up for a friend even if it would not be the decision you made. Yeah, and I think that's where it comes down to, like I said before, with the third omness, sometimes when you are on different ends and you have different arguments or concerns, you still have to be able to respect that person, you know, decision or respect their conviction and their thoughts behind that. Yeah, I appreciate that. So you already shared in terms of retreats in the book the Healing Choice that you recommend as resources. Are there other resources that you find particularly helpful for people who may want to read more get more support in this area. Well, I would say there is a wealth of information, and I think a part of being empowered on a person's healing and grief journey is really to kind of like explore on their own to do their own research. So I would advocate and and stress that as well that a person you know, just take that as a personal exploration to be able to kind of seek out what resources will work best for them, because again it is such a personal and unique experience. But as I stated before, retreats and the book and counseling Atholics are really good resources. Perfect And where can people find you? Keisha? Can you share your website as well as any social media handles you'd like to share? Sure? So I would love for listeners to connect with me online at Keisha well dot com or on Instagram at k Wills LPC, and those links will take it to the work that I'm doing in the field with women and mom perfect Keisha, thank you so much for sharing all that with us today. Oh, thank you so much. I'm so glad Keisha was able to share her expertise with us today. To learn more about Keisha and her practices and the resources she shared, visit the show notes at Therapy for Black Girls dot Com slash Session one forty, and don't forget to share this episode with two people in your circle and share your takeaways with us either on Twitter or in your I G stories using the hashtag tv G in session. If you're looking for a therapist, check out our therapist directory at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash directory. And if you want to continue digging into this topic and meet some other sisters in your area, come on over and join us in the Yellow Couch Collective, where we take a deeper dive into the topics from the podcast and just about everything else. You can join us at Therapy for Black Girls dot com slash y c C. Thank you all so much for joining me again this week. I look forward to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take good care,